Insert Overly Long and Descriptive Title Here

"Hey Em, I need you to do me a favour. Give this to Tashy, and whatever you do, don't let anyone else see it."
Emily looked up from her depiction of suffrage in the eighteen thirties, to see her adoptive mother looking even more harried than usual.

"Sure," said Emily. "But why..."

She was cut off by Hati leaving the room, and seemingly vanishing into thin air. Putting down her paintbrush, Emily resigned herself to an evening that would not be spent exploring the finer points of impressionism.

OOO

The non-geographically precise sea upon which Ardelisa's ship floated was almost impossible to navigate in the pitch-darkness of the Count de Vinevil fandom. From an age where overly descriptive scenery was an unpopular choice, the novella's world offered little in the way of moon or stars or anything else which would have been useful as a navigating tool. Ironically, it was only the treasury keeper's vehement insistence that Hati enter the fandom with a small one-man sailboat, rather than the million dollar speedboat of her original choice, that offered her a clue as to where the ship she pursued was heading. The only wind that existed within the fandom had one function – to deliver the ships of the storyline from one place to another.

The sails of the 'Willowe' were at full tilt. Hati supposed this was so the ficticious ships could make the 100 mile journey across treacherous seas in under six pages. The small boat rocked fiercely and the society founder was thankful that the author had never felt the need to write any sharks or man-eating piranhas into her works.

She had been travelling for almost an hour before the small merchant ship that was supposed to have delivered Ardelisa to the clutches of the evil pirates appeared. It seemed deserted, but seeing as the author had only written in two sailors, that wasn't unusual.

"Hello?" Hati called, not really expecting a response. From where she'd jumped into the story it seemed that Ardelisa's second abduction had already taken place. She ticked off the story events on her fingers.

Ardelisa living her slightly tragic lovelorn life in France.

Ardelisa kidnapped by mercenaries for her immense beauty.

Mercenaries attacked by pirates

Ardelisa dressed as boy so pirates won't take her.

Pirates turn out to be gay and take her back to...

"Turkey!" Hati snapped her fingers. "Gay Turkish Pirate seraglio in Turkey."

To be on the safe side, she boarded the deserted ship, just to be sure that there were no survivors hanging about. There weren't, the cabins were empty, with the signs of a struggle all around her. Since no one ever stopped to eat in Penelope Aubin books, there was a sad lack of food, and sadly, no fresh water to pilfer.

There was however, a richly drawn map upon the cabin wall. Because only three places were only ever actually mentioned in the novel, they were the only things on it. Scratching her head, Harriet wondered since when had there been nothing but sea between France and Turkey. Or since when there had been a small desert island between the two. However, this was the book world, and normal rules did not apply.

Hati folded the map hurriedly and shoved it into her pocket. She had anchored her sail boat, but did not trust the strong currents to have left it in tact.

OOO

Meanwhile, back in the Library.

Emily had plead her way into the medical wing, and was sat on the end of Tash's bed, reading the letter Hati had left. It seemed that the Society founder had finally found the missing piece of the puzzle.

"Ardelisa (or Lisa as she's been calling herself) belongs to, what was possibly the first Mary-Sue story ever written – a little known novella from the eighteenth century. Unfortunately her age probably made her extremely powerful, as well as extremely dangerous."

Hati had left a P.S saying that she had gone exploring in Ardelisa's home fandom – the Adventures of the Count de Vinevil and his Family, and was going to make absolutely sure. The final P.P.S was written in all capitals, and fiercely proclaimed...

"EMILY, IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING AFTER ME, I WILL STOP YOUR POCKET MONEY FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS!"

"So?" said Emily. "What are we going to do?"

"Well obviously," Tash said. "You're going in after her."

OOO

The journey to Turkey was unexpectedly quick, possibly because no journey ever took more than six pages in the Count de Vinevil fandom. Upon reaching the shore, Hati secured her boat in the pitch darkness, and lit a match.

Turkey looked alarmingly like France, which in turn looked alarmingly like Jersey. From her brief researching session earlier in the evening, Hati knew that Penelope Aubin had lived in Jersey most of her life, and had almost certainly never been to Turkey. That much was evident from the fact that Turkey consisted solely of a seraglio, a dockyard, and a route by which Ardelisa would later make her escape. Clearly the author's descriptive skills hadn't been well used when composing these scenes.

Hati froze as she heard footsteps behind her. There shouldn't have been anyone in this scene but her.

"Hati?" a familiar voice came from the darkness.

"Emily!" cried Hati. "Boy am I glad to see you! – umm. I mean...you're grounded young lady!"

"I know," grinned Emily. "But Tash told me to come."

"And if Tash laid down in the middle of the M3, would you do that as well?"

"What's the M3?" asked Emily curiously.

"Never you mind what the M3 is... now, as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful."

"What do you want me to do?" Emily inquired.

"Well first of all," Harriet said. "I thought we'd find Violetta, and-"

"Find who?" interjected Emily.

Hati paused.

"Sit down, I'll tell you from the beginning."

Five minutes later they had a small campfire going and were roasting marshmallows companionably.

"Ardelisa comes from this book," Hati began. "Its called "The Count de Vinevil and his Family, and it was written in the eighteenth century by a woman named Penelope Aubin."

"So this Ardelisa," Emily broke in. "Is the same Lisa we've been chasing through multiple fandoms?"

"That's the one. She's a very innocent, quietly tragic, and lovelorn young girl, who lives with her widower father. One day she's kidnapped by mercenaries."

"Why?"

"I don't know, she just is. The author never really went into why. Might have had something to do with the fact that the lead mercenary found her unbelievably beautiful and wanted to take her to bed, but that's beside the point..."

"So then what happens?"

"The mercenaries are attacked by pirates," Harriet continued. "And the mercenaries dress Ardelisa as a boy to protect her virtue from them."

"Does that work?" asked Emily.

"No," said Hati. "They turn out to be gay Turkish pirates. So they kidnapped her regardless."

"Oh..." said Emily. That certainly explained Harriet's earlier rantings. "So are we looking for these pirates?"

"They're in there," Hati pointed to the seraglio on top of the hill. "Ardelisa should be there too."

"...the man that she's been looking for in all these fandoms..." Emily remembered suddenly. "Is that her father?"

Harriet thought hard for a moment. "Can't be. Her father is killed when the mercenaries attacked...more likely she's been looking for her husband, the Count de Longeville. She must believe that since she had enough power to break out of her book, that he must have too." She snorted. "No wonder she's been so desperate. She spends most of the book trying to get back to him – having to cross of fandoms to find the man she loves won't have deterred her."

"So..." said Emily slowly. "As Mary-Sue hunters, maybe she thinks we've done away with him."

"Hopefully she's not right," Harriet muttered. "Can you imagine what trouble we'd be in if we tried to rehabilitate a genuine book character?"

Emily nodded grimly. "But if we haven't, and we help her find him, maybe she'll go back to her fandom and leave us alone."

Harriet nodded. "But if we have done away with him, the repercussions could be dire."

The pair looked up at the light coming from the seraglio.

"Well there's only one way to find out for sure," said Hati. "And first I need to find Ardelisa..."

OOO

Morning found the Library nearly deserted, save for Tash, asleep with her head on a pile of books. Having decided there was nothing she could do about her shocking news from Valerie the night before, she had thrown all her energies into researching Ardelisa, in an effort to distract herself.

So far she seemed the perfect Sue. Beautiful, tragic, a damsel in distress, but with a surprising kind of stupid bravery. Not to mention an unswerving belief in Divine Providence – which when you got down to it, was basically god given good luck, which certainly explained some of the Sues abilities and actions in previous fandoms.

Most surprising of all, was the presence of a character who, if Tash did not know better, she would have believed to be taking the mick out of Ardelisa herself. Violetta, a character who's story appeared to run parallel, was the bad girl to Ardelisa's good girl. Having been kidnapped by the seraglio master, she had decided that she quite liked living in a luxury mansion full of good looking men, and had made no effort whatsoever to escape. The fact that her happy ending was happier than Ardelisa's made Tash smell a rat. What sort of Mary-Sue story was this, if the Sue's non-sueish companion came off better?

With a sigh, Tash went back to her studies. She hoped she would find the answer before Hati and Emily returned.

OOO

Having climbed the hill, Hati and Emily found themselves hiding under the window of Orsino's boudoir.

"This," whispered Hati. "Is where my very favourite scene takes place. Orsino takes Ardelisa, who is still dressed as a boy, up to his boudoir, and makes a long impassioned speech about how he/she is going to be his new lover. Then at the height of his passions, he rips open her shirt, and realises something is slightly amiss. Then he does a frantic u-turn and realises he's got to be somewhere else, leaving Ardelisa alone, in a room full of swords and fire."

"Clever man," responded Emily, before frowning. "How did you come to read something this filthy again?"

"My university class," Harriet explained. "We were studying what women read in the eighteenth century, which turned out to be mostly porn with a healthy side of trash."

"..." Emily looked at her with a disgusted expression.

"Anyway," Hati said, moving swiftly on, "if she's arrived and hasn't escaped yet, this is where she's most likely to be."

A sudden exclamation of "sweet boy or maid, I know not what thou art..." caught their ears and they ducked further down and out of sight. Ardelisa was close by, just about to have her true sex discovered by Orsino, thankfully rescuing her divine innocence and virginity from the ravages of an evil (but handsome and rugged) pirate. Sure enough, the rip of material floating through the still night air, heralded the shock of discovery.

"I... I... I've just remembered the most urgent... dental appointment... got to go."

At the sound of the door slamming, Hati jumped to her feet.

"Quick! She's alone in there. Now's our chance!"

The pair scrambled through the window, surrounding Ardelisa on either side.

"Hold it, right there!" Emily shrieked, pointing her supersoaker in the Sue's face. Ardelisa ignored her with a cool that sultry look that only Mary-Sues could pull off quite so perfectly. Turning to Hati, she lowered her voice to a menacing whisper.

"So, you finally figured it out did you? You finally realised that the novel from which you plucked my poor innocent husband was the one where you'd find me?"

"Ardelisa," Hati groaned, clapping a hand to her forehead. "Don't you know where your husband is?"

"I have a good idea," spat Ardelisa. "In your clutches! Probably tortured! Maybe even..." she trailed off for dramatic effect. "...re-educated!"

"Actually..." Hati folded her arms. "He's in a monastery in France, wailing about how his one true love was kidnapped by mercenaries. In fact, the only reason you haven't been able to find him is because once you burst out of your fandom you never returned to tell him you were alive, you silly girl!"

"...oh," Ardelisa looked slightly embarrassed. "So...you didn't want to re-educate me?"

"Unfortunately," Hati replied. "Since you're a canonical character, we can't do a thing... not unless we wanted your publishing house coming down on us like a tonne of bricks."

"Oh..." repeated Ardelisa. "I suppose then... I've been rather silly..."

"That's to be expected," replied Hati. "You are only a Mary-Sue after all."

"Yes... terribly sorry," Ardelisa managed. "If you wouldn't mind taking me to my husband now...?"

"That's no problem," smiled Hati. "But since you did cause us an awful lot of trouble..."

"Oh, how can I ever compensate you?" declared Ardelisa. "I have nothing. I am penniless and derelict in this cold and cruel world...unless you count the millions I just inherited from my deceased father..."

A meaningful look from Hati made her pause.

"Oh, you want my millions! Oh well, go ahead. I was just planning on running off to some small corner of France with my husband and living happily ever after anyway."

"Deal."

 OOO

No one was more surprised than Tash, when Hati and Emily reappeared through a plothole, baring four giant briefcases full of money.

"Where on earth..." she asked. "Did you get that?"

"Easy peasy," replied Hati. "We put the storyline back together. Ardelisa's back to her harmless and vacuous little ways, and she won't be bothering us any more."

"Oh..." said Tash. "Good... and the money?"

"Well. Emily's been such a good girl recently, I thought I'd give her a five hundred year advance on her pocket money," said Hati.

Insert an Appropriate Title for EPIC FINALE Here

Alexa May Wells was not the sort of girl you would expect to find at a school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. For a start, she'd grown up firmly believing that, like her mother, she was a complete squib. Not that this worried her, after all, she'd gone to a muggle school and lived in a muggle town – there was something nice about blending in with her friends.

The letter had come as something of a shock, but a nice one. Her grandparents had always hoped she'd turn out to be a witch – a late developer, so to speak and they were thrilled with Hogwarts' decision. So thrilled, in fact that they'd bought her the crup puppy that she had lovingly named Archibald.

Her parents had seen her off that day from Platform 9 ¾ and she was missing them already. Eleven years old and away from home for the first time, it was certainly a daunting prospect. Alexa hugged her knees to her chest and sighed, wondering if anyone would come and join her in her lonely compartment.

"Erm… hi?" A skinny, dark-haired boy with glasses was peering around the door. "Can I sit here?"

"Sure." Alexa nodded. "Don't know anybody either?"

The boy shrugged, "Ron and Hermione are up in the prefect's carriage. I'm Harry by the way, Harry Potter." He held out his hand and Alexa shook it.

"Nice to meet you, Harry Potter."

# # # # # # #

Meanwhile, in the library, Tash and a collection of other agents were kicking back and relaxing after a long, hard day reading fanfiction – always on the hunt for dangerous Mary Sues. In fact, all was well, until…

The library fell into an awed hush as the shadow of their rarely-seen president loomed across the room in an ominous fashion.

"Surprised to see me?" Harriet asked, emerging in the shadows with a swish of her cape (worn purely for dramatic effect)

"Not really," Tash replied, "we could hear your string quartet playing your ominous entrance music from the lift."

Four violinists and a cellist scurried out from behind a now disgruntled looking Hati, only to be fixed with her newly acquired death-glare of doom, a trick the society members had been perfecting in their fight against Mary Sues.

"At least they weren't playing 'if you're happy and you know it' this time," Tash added in an attempt to placate her friend. "And I didn't know string quartets were covered by the society budget."

"Oh, I sold a sack of Oreos I found behind that bookshelf over there. I'm sure they won't be missed." The president said idly. The others looked around, hoping Adrian was not in earshot. "Anyway, you know why I'm here, don't you?"

The girls nodded. Today, the eagerly awaited arrival of the Canon Cannon version two was finally upon them! With a click of her fingers Harriet summoned four attractive and scantily clad young men, wheeling the Napoleonic metalwork between them. Tash raised an eyebrow.

"Harriet, are attractive male slaves covered by the budg-"

"Never you mind what is covered by the budget," snapped her comrade, going decidedly pink in the face. "Ever since the treasurer took all our money and ran off to the Canaries it's been hard work juggling both jobs."

"How is Lauren?" enquired Miri helpfully.

"Fine, she sends postcards every now and then, promises to be on the look out for any Mary Sues lurking in the pool side bar. It's a known hotspot for cliché activity."

"Says her." Tash grumbled. "Anyway, is the Canon Cannon ready?"

A quick nod to the string quartet caused atmospheric music to fill the air.

"The Canon Cannon," their leader declared, "was born ready."

"How are cannons born?" Michael asked, not looking up from his DS.

At that moment a thunderous boom stunned the society into silence. "Sorry!" Marcus yelled sheepishly, "just testing the sound effects button."

The others rolled their eyes.

"OK." Tash cried, "Are we ready?

"Don't be ridiculous!" Harriet scolded her. "Where is your beret?"

"Beret?"

"Yes, beret, Tash, you can't fire an antique Napoleonic cannon without proper ceremony. Now put on your beret."

Grumbling, the other society members pulled their berets onto their heads and starting eating Camembert in an attempt to be suitably French.

"Champagne?" Harriet offered.

"Harriet, I am teetotal."

"Merlot then?"

"Why do we have to do all this French stuff?" Camille asked, sniffing her camembert as if it may have risen up and bitten her at any given moment. Hari sniffed the air in what she thought was a suitably disapproving manner and attempting a withering look which only succeeded in making her look as if her nose was suffering a troublesome itch.

"For reasons you could never possibly understand, my dear underling." with a flourish, Hari produced a smiley-faced cigarette lighter and flicked it randomly at the fuse. "These things take a certain… canonical-ness."

Everyone exchanged bemused looks. Harriet sighed. "It's a canon cannon. It needs its own… canon."

"And it's from France!" Miri punched the air in triumph. "I get it now!"

Hati pulled a sheet of gold stars from her bag and gave one to the young agent as a reward.

Eagerly, the present society members gathered around to witness the maiden blast of the new-and-improved canon cannon mark 2.4b. There hadn't been a 2.4a or even a 2.3 for that matter, but Hati was insistent it sounded more impressive. The leader flicked the lighter a few more times, scowling in frustration. "Anybody here smoke?"

The society members shook their heads. A few frustrated clicks later the lighter actually managed a small flame which set the fuse hissing and burning.

"Get down!" someone yelled, the society members pulled their berets down over their ears for protection as a loud bang sent several bookcases flying.

Coughing and brushing aside bits of ash, the agents exchanged pleased glances that quickly soured when they realised what they had done to the library.

"Well…" the two society founders exchanged worried glances and began edging towards the door. "You guys can clean this up before Adrian gets back – right?"

"Why?" Miri asked, "Where are you guys going?"

"New recruits to train." Hati replied, grabbing Tash's arm and making a hasty retreat.

"Got to go!"

# # #

It wasn't a complete lie. There were new recruits to train that day and both Hati and Tash were eager to see them as only Drake had overseen recruitment that week – everyone else having been otherwise occupied. Having gained a safe distance from the main library, the two founders summoned the fifteen or so new recruits to them in order to see what they'd got to work with.

On the whole, the recruits were much the ordinary sort, grumbling writers, disgruntled readers and nervous fans all shuffling their feet and wondering what on earth had possessed them to throw themselves at the mercy of the society founders. Hati strode around, attempting to look important as the new recruits exchanged confused looks.

"So, these are the wee newbies, eh?" she prodded one experimentally. "They look fine to me. Who picked them?"

Tash shrugged, rifling through the exam papers they were about to hand out, making sure the large red stamp declaring them "TOP SECRET AND REALLY REALLY REALLY DIFFICULT" was terrifying enough. "Drake, I'm sure they're fine."

Hati gave a shrug and turned to address the new recruits.

"Friends. Romans. Countrymen."

The recruits exchanged bewildered glances, wondering if they ought to be speaking Latin.

"You have chosen to embark on a perilous journey. Some of you may die…" there was a squeak from the crowd as one of the new recruits fainted in terror.

"Er… Tashy? Medical wing, please."

Tash whistled for the medics who came and carried the unconscious girl away. Hati scratched her head. "Why does that always happen when I'm trying to give a speech?"

Tash shrugged "Search me."

One of the recruits, an attractive, auburn-haired boy with deep violet eyes raised his hand. "Excuse me, may I make a suggestion?" he said in a melodic yet suitably masculine and generally beautiful voice which called to mind choirs of angels singing in perfect harmony.

"No." Hati replied, busying herself with the exam papers. "No you may not. And minus ten points for interrupting."

Tash positioned the giant, ominous ticking clock so that it cast an intimidating shadow over the new recruits.
"You have sixty minutes for this exam, your time starts now."

The new recruits exchanged terrified glances. "But… but… what about desks and chairs and pens and stuff?" one of them asked. The founders exchanged glances.

"Honestly. Do you expect us to do everything for you? You have to show some initiative. In fact, finding yourself those things is task one."

The new recruits scrambled for supplies, the auburn-haired boy at the front, helping the less able and ensuring that fairness prevailed and the evils of pencil-hogging were avoided. With a flick of his gorgeous, shiny auburn hair he lowered his long, graceful legs over the chair he had found and settled down to filling in his exam paper with elegant yet stylish handwriting.

The hour passed quickly, too quickly for many of the recruits to manage to complete their papers. The auburn-haired boy, however, finished with minutes to spare and was first to offer his paper when Hati came to collect them.

"You may go now." The leader told the roomful of hopefuls, "We shall contact you in the cafeteria to tell you your results." The hopefuls trudged slowly out of the room as the girls settled down to the arduous task of marking the exam papers.

Twenty minutes later they were beginning to despair at the seeming lack of sense any of the new recruits possessed.

"Fail, fail, double fail, close fail, epic fail, fail." Tash put her papers down and sighed. "How about you?"

"Fail, fail, faily mcfail (must be Scottish) fail, fail, this person didn't even get question one right and… fail."

Both girls glanced down at the one remaining exam paper, neither displaying much optimism. It seemed unlikely after the previous performances that this one would be much better.

"Tick… tick… tick… full marks." Tash scratched her head, "that's strange, this is the boy you deducted ten marks from and yet… his paper is still perfect."

"What's the name?" Hati asked, curious.

"Will, Will Aurelius Bob Fox. Does that sound familiar to you?"

"Hmmm… vaguely, but I don't think I know any guys called Will."

"No," Hati agreed, "me neither. Oh well, I suppose we'd better tell him he's passed and memory wipe the others."

# # # # # # #

Later that day, qualified agent Will Fox had positioned himself behind a desk in the library, allowing his messy, auburn locks to fall in a poetic way across his perfect features as he read, leaving a trail of swooning agents in his wake.

Behind the nearest bookcase a small group of appreciative girls were gathering, giggling about their cute new colleague.

Beth, Emma and Kate had positioned themselves behind a nearby bookcase in order to spy, the new boy exuding a strange aura of irresistibility and also the feeling that everything he did was incredibly perfect and interesting. Will Fox turned the pages of his book with long, slender fingers, apparently unaware of the attention he was attracting. The peace was not to last, however, for at that moment the Mary-Sue-Sensors began flashing pink and green – the sign for a very dangerous situation.

Hati and Tash sprinted into the room in record time, causing several people to look around suddenly in alarm.

"Agents! We need a team together, by those readings there's a hugely powerful Mary Sue in the Harry Potter fandom." Hati shrieked, gathering up plot devices, prohibitors and whatever else she could reach. Tash pointed to various agents.

"Emma, Beth, Kate. We need you here, communications, everyone else, with us."

Everyone else, unfortunately, consisted solely of Adrian and Will, the other agents all having skived off to the canteen for an early lunch. They were both quick to respond, gathering up their equipment and reaching the two leaders in time to scramble through the plot hole and into the Harry Potter fandom.

# # # #

It was a crisp and clear winter's day and Hogwarts was covered with a blanket of white. The only ones about to see this, however, were the few remaining students who had not returned home for the Christmas holidays. The Gryffindor common room was almost empty, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Alexa the only ones to have chosen the warmth of the fire over a Christmas trip to Hogsmeade.

The emptiness of the common room, however, had its advantages. The four of them had the Marauders' Map open on a table and were deep in discussion, not needing to worry about being overheard. Not one of the inquisitorial squad had access to the Gryffindor common room, in fact, no one could get in right then…

"Hold it right there – SUE!"

The four friends looked up in shock as four people they had never seen before scrambled through what appeared to be a hole in mid-air. After exchanging looks with the others, Harry asked tentatively: "What's a 'Sue'?"

He didn't get a response, instead the dark haired girl called the others around to observe a strange-looking instrument. "It's not her." She stated, looking hugely puzzled. "She's a non-Sue, just a self-insert. She's perfectly safe."

Adrian and Tash exchanged puzzled glances. "Then… who set off the reading?"

"Excuse me." Alexa asked, "Who on earth are you?"

"The reading's still strong." Tash said. "Really strong, in fact the only Sue to give off these kinds of readings is… Willowe."

Somewhere, in the back of the agents' respective brains, something clicked into place.

"Where did Will go?" Asked Adrian, glancing around. "Come to that… where's the plot hole back to the library?"

It was no use, both were missing.

# # #

The residents of the library all started in surprise as Hati, Tash and Adrian burst through a plot hole and back into the library, all brandishing wands 'borrowed' from their latest fandom.

"We've come to rescue you." Tash told the bemused girls, who were happily munching on Krispy Kremes whilst playing Pokémon. They just blinked at her in response.

"Um… did that Sue do a number on you guys?" Beth asked. Hati shook her head.

"There was no Sue, just a regular self-insert. It was a diversion."

"For what?"

"We assumed, to take you three hostage. Where on earth is Willowe?"

Emma looked up in concern, realising that there were only three of them. "Oh no, where's Will? Is he hurt?"
At her words the two leaders and the librarian fixed her with a look. "Maybe I should rephrase my last question." Hati sighed. "Where on earth is Will?"

A chorus of shocked cries went up from the library. Will was Willowe? But he was so perfect, such flowing auburn locks, flawless skin, such likability and… come to think of it, how on earth hadn't they guessed?
"We just have to think." Tash told everyone. "If you were Willowe, where would you be?"

Hati rubbed her temples, "Think like Willowe… I'm so perfect everyone should worship me…"

"My hair is so amazing it merits four paragraphs of description every time I move…" Tash joined in.
"Spots are for people who aren't as great as I am…"

"Cake is for people who don't have the world's most perfect figure…"

"And I'm breaking into the library to…" Hati scratched her head. "My office! She's got to be in there."

The five girls and Adrian sprinted towards the office, the three who had stayed behind exchanging confused glances. Hati reached the door first, letting everyone know her prediction had been correct with a cry of "YOU PUT THAT DOWN NOW!"

She blanched as she saw precisely what Will was holding. "Oh no…. oh no. Someone get that disc!"

Adrian eyed the green floppy disc clasped in Will's elegant hand. "What's so important about-"

"Secret files." Hati said at once, "very, very important."

With an evil laugh, Will spun on the spot, his hair lengthening and his body becoming perfectly feminine as Willowe took her true form back on.

"Why so coy?" she asked in a sweet, honeyed voice. Hati snarled.

"Give me that disc."

Willowe rolled her eyes, "Threaten a sweet, seventeen year old girl?"

Hati snorted. "You're 23, you big faker." The other society members blinked,

"How did you know that?" someone asked. Hati turned pink.

"Because she's two years older than… someone I know."

Willowe laughed, flicking her flowing auburn-

"WE KNOW WHAT HER HAIR LOOKS LIKE." Shouted everyone except Adrian who yelled back,

"DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL IN THE LIBRARY" as the walls began to shake.

Willowe giggled in a sweet, girlish way. "You don't seem pleased to see me."

"Last time we met you tried to kill me." Huffed Hari, mightily unimpressed.

"Everyone suffers PMS…" Willowe smiled sweetly. "Even you… mummy."

A stunned hush fell over the library, the agents exchanging shocked looks.

"Hati…" Adrian asked, "You wrote her?"

Hati blushed bright red, "Oh like you've never done it! I was… I was naïve! I was 13 and in love with Orlando Bloom, ok? But I deleted that fic… I destroyed all copies except…" She looked over at the green floppy disc. "except that one."

Willowe smirked at the dissention in the ranks and with a flourish she turned to grab her portal gun. With a silent eenie, meenie, minie, mo she pointed it at each of them in turn, settling finally on Tash.

"But before I go, haven't you always wondered what would happen if you fired a portal gun at a human being?" when she received no answer she broke into an evil smile, "well you're about to find out."

She'd picked on the wrong agent. With a yowl, Adrian tackled Willowe to the floor, sending the disc flying through the air. As Hati ran to catch it, Tash pounced upon the gun, eager to keep it away from Willowe whilst Adrian was in her grasp. A flurry of punches echoed across the library as the librarian and the Sue battled across the desk but Willowe's Sue powers proved too much and within moments she had Adrian by the ears, eliciting a loud mewl of pain.

"Adrian!" Tash dived into the fray, reaping the rewards of her height by kicking Willowe on the side of the head. "Get off my man, bitch!"

The disc safely in her trademark pink shoulder-bag, Hati grabbed Tash's arm and hauled her away to the computer room, leaving the others to deal with Willowe.

"Keep her down!" Hati yelled, racing for the nearest PC and shoving the floppy disc inside. From inside the office they heard a cry of "Librarian Secret Art: Boot to the Head!" SCHWOOSH-FWUMP!"

"Hati?" Tash asked, "is that really what you said?" Hati gritted her teeth.

"I thought I'd destroyed every copy, I'd forgotten this one. Willowe must be able to sense it."

Tash nodded, "We could just destroy it – that might destroy her."

"It might," Hati conceded, "or it might destroy all her limitations, making her super-powerful and completely unstoppable."

"Ah." Tash bit her lip. "So… we're going to do what?"

"Edit it. Maybe we can take away her powers if we destroy the roots of them."

The Word document flashed up on screen, 'The lost girl of Middle Earth' with a quick exchanged glance the two leaders got down to work.

"The beautiful Willowe Aurelia Dewdrop Honeysuckle Arwenia Ravenclaw Bob Foxblade swishes her glossy auburn hair…" Tash read out. Quickly, Hati deleted Willowe's middle names from the fic, as each one vanished a pained screamed went up from behind the office door.

"It's working!" Tash cried, "What else?"

A few taps of the keys later, Willowe's hair was reduced to "brown and average with no hint of any interesting colour whatsoever" as Willowe screamed from behind the office door.

"Her powers are fading!" cried Beth from inside the office.

"It's working!" Tash grabbed the keyboard and started deleting all references to Willowe's good looks and talents, "she's fading!"

The office door flew open and Adrian ran out, "Prohibitors! While she's down!"

Popping the floppy disk out of the PC and walking over to the safe to seal it inside, Hari caught a glimpse of the plain, unremarkable girl sprawled on the floor where Willowe had been, four prohibitors being fastened to her wrists and ankles.

"What shall we do with her now?" Emma asked, holding one of Willowe's arms down.

"Put her in the Twilight fandom." Tash said, "So many Sues in there, her followers will never find her."

"Just one thing first." Hati said, pacing up and down. "Blast her with the canon cannon."

"Why?" Adrian asked, "What will that do."

Hati paused for a minute before replying "It'll hurt like hell."

# # # # # # #

A few hours later, the party in the library was in full swing, the cake declaring "Willowe is gone" and the music blasting out a variety of transatlantic hits as the agents deservedly danced the night away.

Curled up on the sofa, Tash stroked Adrian's kitty ears, sore from where Willowe had grabbed them.

"You know…" the librarian said, "you could do with some time off."

"Yeah, I suppose," Tash tickled under his chin, "But where?"

"I hear…" Adrian began to purr "That the Canaries are a known Sue hotspot… I've booked two tickets."

"Overtime." Tash grinned. "Sounds perfect."

Insert Poncy-Sounding Elvish Here

It seemed months since beautiful, 15 year old Willowe Ravenne Aurelia Arwennia Bob Foxblade the Third had fallen through the mysterious portal in the linen cupboard of the family house she shared with her five, sequel fodder, rebellious younger sisters whom she had cared for since their parents had died in a freak, tragic accident on a pirate ship involving Lord Voldemort, but in fact it had only been a few chapters (it just felt like months to the poor people reading).

With a swish of her shimmering waterfall of auburn locks, Willowe let out a melodic sigh as she gazed pensively out across the river, away from the rest of the fellowship (who, despite all being completely besotted with her, had failed to notice her absence). She turned the volume on her lime green iPod Nano, turned up the volume on a suitably cool (yet edgy, deep and rebellious) 21st century pop song, and began to sing in a beautiful voice.

Awoken from a dream about his beautiful companion, Legolas stared out at her from beyond a tree, admiring her with all his concentration and conveniently ignoring the fact he was suppose to keep watch.

Willowe sensed she was being watched and turned slightly, an auburn curl falling poetically of her shoulder. Instinctively she knew what the handsome elf wanted.

"I'd love to take you up on that moonlit, romantic stroll, Legolas, but I cannot" sighed Willowe Foxblade, tossing her shimmering ankle length auburn hair out of her deep, violet eyes, "Sadly, I must go and change outfits for the fifth time today despite only having bought a trendy 21st century rucksack on our travels, otherwise the author won't be able to describe my clothes for five pages and will actually have to insert some plot, and that would be even more terrible than if Sauron were to take the second one ring of which I am pure, sweet guardian"

Legolas turned away with fire and love burning in his deep, blue eyes as silent tears rolled down his pale, alabaster, porcelain (A/N: check me out, I can use a thesaurus) cheek. "I understand, beautiful Willow," he sighed in an overly emotional and dramatic manner. Oh how, HOW could he ever have suspected that a perfect creature like her could look at him - yet he had been certain he had felt the burning flames of love between them...

Willowe sighed sadly, a feeling of foreboding building in the pit of her perfectly toned stomach. Something was afoot, of that she was sure.

"Leggy!" she cried, her voice melodious and soothing despite the imminent danger. "Run!" Unsheathing a small, beautiful dagger with which she was more skilled than Aragorn, Boromir and the Ring Wraiths put together, she twirled elegantly in the air, landing in a fighting pose that accentuated her natural beauty.

"No, I won't leave you!" Leggy dried his tears and ran to protect his perfect, beautiful and stunningly modest despite her auburn ankle length hair which was so unforgettably beautiful it was mentioned on every other page, lover-to-be. "We will stand and fight to the end!"

To their shock and surprise, (through which Willowe still managed to maintain a look of great elegance and beauty) it was not Ring Wraiths who appeared, but three disgruntled-looking women, all brandishing copies of Lord of the Rings and what looked like large cans of disinfectant.

"Sauron!" spat Legolas, giving Willowe Foxblade the opportunity to flick her ankle length auburn hair over her inappropriately elaborate Elvin dress which she had kept clean despite climbing mountains in it and display her superior intelligence by correcting him.

"No... It's worse, far worse... Authors!"

"That's right!" snapped the one of the left, "We're here on behalf of the dark lord Sauron"

"Yup," Grinned her taller companion. "He says you can keep your bloody ring, so long as SHE," she jerked her head towards Willowe, "stops trying to win him over to the side of light and good with kind, loving words, honesty, and beauty."

"And stops swishing her bloody hair!" added the first one.

The third author, who was tall and blonde, added, "Or at least stop insisting the author describe it every time you do it."

"Who ARE you?" insisted Willowe Ravenne Foxlade, swishing her auburn ankle-length...

"WE KNOW WHAT HER BLOODY HAIR LOOKS LIKE!" shrieked the middle author, directing her comment somewhere towards the sky. "Now, where was I?"

"We're the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society," said the dark-haired one. "And you're under arrest"

Aragorn, Boromir (who had fully recovered after being nursed back to health by Willowe from his numerous arrow wounds) and Gandalf's long-lost, newly found, rebellious, good looking younger brother with a difficult and tragic past about which he could only talk to Willowe, came running from the woods.

"Wait!" shouted Gandalf's hot, tortured soul of a younger brother, "You can't justify taking Willowe away, not when you're..." he wrinkled his manly, tortured brow in horror, "SELF INSERTS!"

The three authors gasped in horror.

"We ARE self inserts," said the second tallest. "I suppose there's only one thing for it." With a flick of her shimmering brown hair from her deep, mysterious grey eyes she ran over to Legolas and leapt on him, licking his ear.

"HARRIET! Get a grip!" shouted one of her friends, hitting her with her copy of Return of the King.

"Get rid of them, Aragorn!" shrieked Willowe, stomping her Converse all-stars and pouting, but Aragorn couldn't tear his eyes away from the smallest of the three authors.

"Your disdain... it's so... beautiful.." he murmured, his eyes clouded over with love. "Will you be my queen of Gondor?" The author raised an eyebrow.

"What about Arwen?"

"The author conveniently left her out so I could flirt with Willowe."

"How could you not love me anymore Aragorn?!" shrieked Willowe. "You said the burning flames of love consumed you from inside every day you were with me."

"Well... after one of those nice authors gave me some Rennies I discovered it had only been indigestion, probably caused by that pizza we ordered on your really cool, hot pink Motorola Razr last night, I realise now that that girl over there is the only I truly love."

"Oh.. well... if you like then." shrugged the dark-haired author.

The third, blonde author looked up from where she was hastily undressing Gandalf's hot, tortured younger brother who looked very much like Johnny Depp. "Lauren, you're a self-insert, go with it."

"But shouldn't we, y'know, save middle earth or something?" asked Lauren.

"We will!" squeaked Harriet, biting Legolas's ear. "With the power of love!"

"YAY!" yelled Tash.

And their triple wedding inexplicably brought calm and peace to Middle Earth, Sauron was placated at the sight of Willowe Foxblade's beauty and they all lived happily ever after. Well, until the unnecessary sequel featuring Willowe's rebellious yet beautiful despite their tragic, orphaned upbringing sisters that is.