Take A Number

"You're Akai right?" Chloe asked, extending her hand.

"Yes, who are you?" Akai replied, exchanging the handshake.

"I'm Chloe. Agent and gadget specialist," she answered.

"Excellent, can you do anything about this?" Akai asked, pushing a small, cold DS into her hand.

"I could if I didn't have monitor duty, but I'm sure Charis could help you... her lab is just down the hall."

"Okay, it was nice meeting you Chloe."

---

Jared checked his watch as he worked on replacing the oil pan on his pickup truck, after he did that it would be all but repaired, after that was accomplished the vehicle would be all but fully rebuilt from it's clash with Death, he was pondering taking a break and going to find some pizza rolls when the door to his lab slammed open, the sudden noise startled Jared, causing him to slam his forehead against the very oil pan he was repairing.

"Ow! Whoever is there would it kill you to knock?" Jared responded, rubbing his forehead.

"It might, and surely you wouldn't want me to risk my life in such a menial way?" Akai said, grabbing Jared's sliding cart and pulling him out from beneath the pickup.

"Ah Akai, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" Jared asked, rubbing his sore head.

"A certain someone borrowed my DS without asking, and when I walked into the room they panicked and threw it in the freezer, now it won't turn on!" Akai said, handing the semi-frozen gaming device to Jared.

Jared pulled his collar and gulped as he remembered finding a DS on the table, getting up to get a bowl of ice cream and returning to the table without the console.

Crap, I must have accidentally stuck that thing in the freezer.

"Well I can tell you right now it's because the battery acid in your power cell is frozen, it's a good thing you didn't try to charge it or else it might have exploded." Jared mumbled.

"Don't care, just fix it..." Akai said, "You there, cookies!" She shouted at the Jun-akuma, the tiny demon happily obliged with a mid-sized platter.

"Small electronics aren't really my specialty, Charis or Chloe would be alot more qualified for this type of thing..." Jared said, searching around for his custom DS screw driver.

"I know, but they're both busy, that's why I'm asking you..." Akai stated between cookies.

Jared felt wounded at Akai pure, unrestrained bluntness.

"Wow, you really are negative..." Jared said, removing the back panel on the DS.

Akai just shrugged and resumed eating cookies as Jared tried to get the tightly packed battery removed.

---

"General, what is that?" Major Industry asked, pointing at the Jun-akuma floating nearby.

"It's ah... ah... turnip maybe," Idea replied, unsure of what to make of the creature which was roughly the same height as the tallest members of the LPGB.

"It's staring at us General, what do we do?"

"Hey, turnip-thing! What are you?" General Idea called, the Jun-Akuma just stared.

"Maybe it doesn't speak english?" Follower added.

"Tu hablo espaniol?" Captain Crunch prompted, the tiny demon did not react in the slightest.

"Let's return to base, I want surveillance teams to follow this... turnip-thing around until we actually learn what it is." Idea said before getting back in his Humvee.

---

"Well, I changed out your battery, I will let you know if I ever find out who put your DS in the fridge..." Jared said.

"Okay, thanks." Akai said.

"If you ever need any more work done I can hook you up right here..." Jared said, sliding back under the truck and going back to work.

"That's what she said!" Akai shouted.

"Wha- OW!" Jared yelled, leaning up and banging his head on the oil pan again.

The Jun-akuma floated next to Jared and pulled out a band-aid as Jared clutched his aching forehead.

"Come back anytime, I always aim to satisfy..." Jared said, bandaging his forehead.

"That's what she said!" Akai said before slamming the door.

"Somedays... it doesn't pay to be smart," Jared muttered, watching the closed door

Insert Nacht der Untoten Here (part 2 of 3)

"Mr. Churchill you are drunk!" ~Lady Astor
"Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober." ~Winston Churchill

 -

"My master, it is working!" Said the frail old scientist.

"Then my presence here is no longer required..." Said the shadowy figure, stepping out of the shadows.

"Instruct the engineers to begin fueling the Monster!"

-

"We've secured an army truck!" Chloe shouted, driving up to the collection of agents.

"Actually, it's just Chevila spray painted American army green with some canvas erected over the bed. But it's the best we could do on such short notice..." Ben said, kicking down the tailgate.

Agents began climbing up into the bed, with Tash opting for the passenger seat in the cab.

"Well, it's not exactly period specific. But Chevrolet did produce over 500,000 vehicles for use in both theaters of war. So as long as we keep moving and they only see the badge we should still go unnoticed." Chloe said.

"Couldn't you just cannonize."

"Jared hasn't fully repaired the cannonizer yet, during his last test only half of the truck managed to change form. Besides, with the Sue Storm device active, the fandom is far too weak to effect a change on the truck."

"Fair enough..." Tash said as she grabbed Chloe's Thompson and mowed down a zombie through the open window. "But where did the green paint come from?"

"Let's just say the the next batch of LPMC officers will be out of uniform for awhile.



"They did it!" Michael said, wiping his brow as he reloaded his SVT rifle. "The LPMC mortar bombardment is creating a zombie free radius around the Reichstag."

"That'll give us some time to rest, but eventually they'll run out of ammunition..." Jared said, struggling to catch his breath.

"How are we on ammo Nixie?" Drake asked.

The ex-hologram scowled as she threw down an old gym bag. Micheal tore it open.

"Drake, some of the zombies we've killed have had ammo for your weapon somewhere on their person. So we've managed to salvage 7 clips for you." Michael said, dumping a pile in front of Drake.

"I've managed to salvage several clips from our dead and wounded allies to last me quite awhile, how about you Phoenixia?"

"I've still got several shells left, and I've picked up an abandoned Mosin-Nagant and a sniper scope awhile back so I should be good."

"Jared, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Your gun is simply too thirsty. Most of the drums I've come across have been empty." Micheal said grimly, handing Jared a measly two drums.

"I'll see if I can't find a German gun around here, or if I'm lucky a couple more drums. I really am starting to get the feel for this gun." Jared said, fondly raising the PPSH.

BOOM! An explosion shattered the silence as a building down the battered street crumpled to the street.

"Good lord, what the crap was that!" Michael yelled.

"That sounded like somebody just ran a car through a blender on the world's biggest sound system, my ears are still ringing!" Drake yelled.

"We need to get off of the roof!" Jared said, "something tells me that there's more where that came from!" Jared said, as if to emphasize the point a the next building blew apart with a thunderous boom, bricks rained down on the roof as the Russian army began charging back into the Reichstag.

"Move! MOVE my comrades! Into the street!" A frantic Reznov shouted.

The army had just reached the parliament floor as a huge section of the wall burst inward, bricks pounded the army as a large potion of the ceiling gave way.

"This way!" Jared shouted, "Tremor!"

Wood and foundation stones blew apart as Jared threw his earth force into the floor boards, exposing an flooded train tunnel.

"Hope everyone's good at holding their breath!" Micheal said as everybody dove in.

Seconds latter with another mighty boom the Reichstag building crumpled to the ground with a deafening crash.

---

"Halt, where are you going! Deserters will be shot!" Shouted an marine as the agents crashed through the barriers in the courtyard.

"Librarian Art 6: Shield of Silence!" Adrian shouted, erecting a barrier that shielded the hail of American gun fire erupting in their wake.

"Oof!" Rhia shouted, bouncing into the air as one of the rear tires struck a massive pot hole in the road.

"This suspension was really not designed to take this sort of thing..." Chloe added as she fought to keep the speeding truck under control.

Tash attempted to take out a passing zombie but the truck lurched violently as she pulled the trigger and she wound up destroying the rear-view mirror instead.

"If anybody asks, a zombie did that..." she said as she put the gun's safety back on.

"American artillery does not a good road make, hang on!" Chloe said as a massive bump nearly flipped the truck. "I better slow down, it might take us longer but I should remind you that during the 80's most cars didn't come equipped with airbags..."

---

The four agents swam as fast as they could as large chunks of broken foundation began to slowly sink around them. The agents all broke out their waterproof flashlights.

"I hate swimming..." Jared thought to himself as he edged to avoid a stone.

"I like it in this tunnel, it's dark and moist... a pity about the lack of oxygen and everything. I suggest you swim faster..." The Darkness mentally communicated as Michael kept swimming.

"If you don't anything helpful to say I suggest you don't say anything at all..." The Michael replied.

"Whatever you say, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."

"There!" Drake mouthed as he pointed his flashlight towards a crack in the wall.

Michael swam forward and attached a satchel charge to the crack. Then, after quickly swimming to a safe distance he detonated it.

WOOSH, the water began surging through the aperture, depositing the agents in an adjacent tunnel full of multiple glowing eyes.

"Zombies!" Jared shouted, pulling the trigger on his SMG, he was only answered with a dull click.

"The water's taken out our guns, but no matter!" Michael said as the Darkness' tendrils extended and began tearing apart any zombie that got too close.

---

"What was that thing..." Drake asked as the last of the zombies were exterminated as they began climbing the stairs onto the streets of Berlin.

Drake was cut off by the sound of German loudspeakers through the city crackling to life.

"Society agents, leave now or be destroyed! You cannot win against my power!" The voice shouted.

"Well, it looks like we've been found out!" Michael said.

"It was bound to happen..." Jared said, reaching into his pack and pulling out his Boomhammer.

"How'd you fit that in there?" Drake asked before giving his signature shout of 'Wardrobe change!'

"The handle telescopes into itself, so I can conceal it more easily then my old one." Jared said.

"Why is the ground shaking?" Phoenixia asked.

Jared's communicator suddenly flared to life.

"Admiral this is Idea! Our airborne surveillance indicates a massive bogey heading your way from the east. I suggest you run!"

"How fast is the target moving?" Jared asked.

"Slow, roughly 9.5 MPH."

"What is it."

"Nothing I've ever seen before... Thermal imaging doesn't turn up a match on any known designs. Although heat signature and carbon readings are consistent with German U boats. But those things weren't ever designed to be amphibious."

The ground shaking increased and the agents grew aware of a mechanical rumbling.

"We need to go!" Michael said, and the agents took off at a run.

"You were warned!" Boomed the voice on the loud speaker. "Now suffer!"

The warning was punctuated by a resounding boom and shortly after a German bakery exploded.

Drake turned to look at the source but could see nothing through a cloud of dust thrown up by a massive vehicle. Black diesel smoke rose into the air from behind the massive object.

The agents broke into an all out dash as Jared picked up his radio.

"General Idea the boogy has opened fire, I have no clear visual. Can you provide artillery support?"

"Negative! Artillery depleted."

"Crap!" Was all Jared could say as a butcher shop was reduced to a crater following a massive discharge from the cloud. The agents were blown off their feet from the force of the explosion.

"Holy crap!" Michael shouted. "That butcher shop was over 45 feet away and I still felt that! That gun is packing way to much power to be conventional armor!"

---

"Now what?" Rhia asked as they stared into the sea of Japan.

"The trucks too heavy to float and it's too far to swim. How can we possibly get to the island?" Ben asked.

"I have a plan..." Tash replied, picking up her communicator.

---

"Boomhammer!" Jared shouted, taking out a zombie that had wandered into the street with a sonic powered swing.

"This isn't working!" Drake panted, "We can't keep running like this! That thing will catch us or the zombies will!"

At that moment a building at the side of the road burst inward as a massive shell struck it, spreading rubble across the road and cutting off escape.

The object pursing them began to settle, revealing the largest tank Jared had ever seen rolling to a stop.

"Behold gentleman! The Landkreuzer P 1500 Monster, the largest tank ever designed!" Said the Stu standing on the top of the turret. He was wearing a tattered German uniform underneath of a bearskin loincloth. He flashed a smile with his perfectly white teeth as he raised his megaphone.

"It is 42 meters long, 18 meters with and 7 meters tall with a crew in excess of 100 and ways over 1500 tons. Not to mention the 800mm turret on the front. It seems you have come to this battle unprepared!" said the man, stroking his long wavy black hair.

"Is that..." said Drake.

"Giddius?"






(Note: This story is incomplete, and the remainder of this chapter and the next will serve as placeholders for its future completion. Regular updates will resume on 11/6/13.)

Insert Nacht der Untoten Here (part 1 of 3)

The first scene is that of a gambler
Who had lost all his money at play
An' he draws his dead mother's ring from his finger
That she wore long ago on her wedding day
It's his last earthly treasure, but he stakes it
Then he bows his head that his shame he may hide
But, when they lifted his head - they found he was dead
That's just a picture from life's other side.

Pictures From Life's Other Side, By Hank Williams, 1951

April 30th, 1945, Berlin. Capital city of Nazi Germany.
The Red Armies advance through the streets has been just as swift as it has been brutal. Any German soldier brave enough to stand in the defense of the capital city of the third Reich was quickly gunned down as the Soviets marched onward to the Reichstag.

"Dimitri, plant charges on the final Flak 88 or our tanks will not be able to move up!" Sergeant Reznov commanded, laying down suppressive fire with his SMG.

Silently the hero of Stalingrad crept up, raising his FG42 Machine gun and mowing down a wave of advancing SS honor guard.

A bullet from a German rifle flew by his head as he knelt down to plant the explosive on the German artillery, Dimitri swallowed as the Axis soldier adjusted his aim and prepared to fire again.

A loud bang and a flash of light and the Nazi had breathed his last, Private Chernov ejected the smoking bullet casing from his Mosin-Nagant and prepared to fire again, taking notice the nod of thanks Dimitri gave him as he finished planting the charge.

The charge blew, effectively giving the AA gun an early retirement as the Red Army advanced up the stairs of the Reichstag.

-

Shuri Castle courtyard, Okinawa Japan.

With their objective complete, Sgt. Roebuck and his fellow marine raiders work was complete. Three of them were now going home. Two of them would be riding home on a boat, the other was being shipped in a wooden box.

Private Miller fiddled with the dog tag of his former friend and ally as he pondered the meaning of it all and the true cost of war. Roebuck walked up and laid a hand on his back.

"Polonsky's death was not your fault Miller, if I hadn't ordered you to stand down when I did he might still be alive." Roebuck said as army trucks drove into the courtyard, collecting the dead and salvaging whatever weapons and ammunition they could.

Miller turned to face Roebuck but remained silent, for there was nothing to say.

A marine raider stepped out of the truck and waived to them, indicating that there was room in the truck if they wanted to ride along. Miller turned and took one last look at the courtyard before slowly making his way to the truck.

-

Berlin, threshold of the Reichstag.

The last of the honor guard fell, for a brief moment something existed that many of the 3rd Shock Army had not experienced since the beginning of the war: Absolute silence.

"Advance men! Into the heart of the fascist Reich!" Reznov shouted, as the army began to move. Chernov the flag bearer led the charge.

Suddenly the doors of the building exploded outwards as a soldier that had been lying in wait barged out, gripping the trigger mechanism on his flamethrower.

A viscous tendril of fire lashed out from the mouth of the weapon, engulfing Chernov. The hammer-and-sickle covered flag of his homeland never once left his hand as he fell to the ground.

"Chernov!" Reznov yelled as Dimitri opened fire, killing the flamethrower.

The men all approached their fallen comrade as he lay dying, Reznov reached down and removed the charred, yet intact diary from his pocket.

"Someone should read this," he muttered slowly as Chernov gave up the ghost. "Onward men, his death will not go unpunished!"

The Red Army poured up the steps of the Reichstag, hearts set on avenging their fallen comrades.

-

In a bunker somewhere in Berlin, the sounds of battle can be heard above.

"It is finally ready my master..." An ancient scientist replied, as he connected one final wire to a futuristic looking machine that did not look like it belonged in the year 1945. Vacuum tubes and radio transistors were littered about the room, a telegraph machine ticked away steadily in the corner.

"I was beginning to think that the war would be over before you would complete your work." The shadowy figure called master replied, shouldering a massive sword.

"Shall I turn it on?"

"Yes... for the time of reckoning is nigh!" The figure shouted dramatically as the scientist pulled a lever, a shower of sparks erupted from the mechanism as the machine hummed to life. Almost instantly the telegraph machine's speed doubled, punching out digits as fast as the mechanical arm could move.

Throughout the city dead Nazi's began to rise from where their corpses had fallen, stiff muscles cracked as a brain that had long stopped functioning suddenly restarted and began commanding limbs to move again. All throughout Europe, the dead were rising.

On the steps of the Reichstag, Private Chernov's burned eyelids fluttered open, revealing two glowing yellow orbs beneath as with deliberate effort he began to stand.

Back in the subbasement, the shadowy figure whispered to himself, "You drove them deep into the heart of Reich. You thought they were dead. You were wrong."

He began to laugh.

-

Present day, Jared's room in the sleeping quarters of the Library Arcanium.

Jared awoke to the sound of pounding fists on his door, after jolting awake he rolled over and glanced at his alarm clock, it was one thirty in the morning.

Jared slipped on a pair of sweat pants and a wife-beater and answered the door for a frantic looking Chloe.

"What is so important that it couldn't wait until morning?" Jared asked his former lab mate.

"Tash has called an emergency meeting, help me wake up the remaining American agents, this cannot wait!" Chloe said, dragging Jared out of the room and slamming the door shut behind him.

"Why, what's happened?" Jared asked, suddenly feeling much more awake.

"The Sue Storm device has gone active..."

Jared felt his heart skip a beat.

-


"Everything that was asked of us, we've done. Every night we lay in a filthy foxhole praying the enemy won't slit our throats. Every day we spent crawling through the mud and dirt while bullets whistled all around. But this is the last time we're going to have to put our lives on the line. This is the enemy's last stand. When we take Shuri Castle, we go home. All of us." Sgt Roebuck

Roebuck and the remaining marines had barely made it into the truck before the dead began to rise. Miller hastily grabbed his M1 Garand rifle from the weapons crate in the back as he watched the swarms of the imperial zombies rising out of the ditches.

"Banzai charge!" Shouted a marine.

"No, somethings wrong. These troops are unarmed! Banzai may be glad to sacrifice their lives for their country, but they aren't stupid! They wouldn't do a suicide run if they had no hope of killing us." Roebuck shouted, loading a trench gun.

The zombies swarmed the road as the driver of the truck shifted into reverse and hit the gas.

"What in God's name are these things?" Roebuck shouted as he witnessed a marine fall beneath a wave of the walking dead.

"These aren't the enemy! These men were killed just this morning!" A soldier shouted, opening fire.

-

Several hours later the marines had fallen back to Shuri Castle. The structure's outer barrier consisted of many high walls that worked very well at keeping ancient intruders and zombies out. Unfortunately it was not so effective against the American artillery the had stricken it the day before and the assaulted castle's many wounds left many structural weaknesses that the zombies could freely exploit. As the battle drew on the marine's weapons began to run out and they were forced to begin to fall back to the inner courtyard. Somewhere in the middle of all this chaos nobody seemed to notice seven figures materialize on the roof.

"Rhia, we've got a zombie that's about the tear through the blockade on the east wall!"

"I see it, I'm taking the shot," Rhia whispered from beneath the bandanna across her face. She held her breath as she lined up her Springfield sniper rifle, taking much care with her aim as she lead her target. There was a flash of light as she pulled the trigger and the bullet began its course into the zombie. It's body fell back to the earth it came from with a spattering noise and a flop. Ingrid ejected the bullet casing and loaded a fresh one.

"Good shot, let's keep moving..." Chloe whispered, switching the safety off on her Thompson, taking extra care not to slide off the slanted roof tiles.

-

Berlin

Jared crawled around the floor of the burned Reichstag building searching for a new drum for his PPS, everywhere around him members of the Soviet forces flung lead, steel and blood into the unending horde.

"Don't you find it ironic that in the 1930's Hitler and the Nazi party blamed the fire in the Reichstag on the German Communists party and now Communists are attempting to save the aforementioned building from ruin?" General Idea mused from Jared's fake Russian uniform collar.

"Cram the history lesson and tell me how to reload this thing..." Jared answered, pulling an abandoned drum clip out from beneath a fallen beam.

The barrier behind Jared suddenly exploded as two zombies burst into the room.

Idea shouted as a zombie ran up behind Jared and dealt him a crushing blow before Jared could draw his sidearm.

Jared fell down and desperately attempted his pistol, gasping for the air that had been knocked out of him.

Two loud bangs penetrated the air as the zombies suddenly became much lighter around the midsection, Jared felt like he was going to be sick.

"You okay?" Phenoxia asked as she pulled out a hypodermic needle and stabbed it into Jared's thigh.

"That is not one for the resume!" Jared said softly, standing up.

"What?"

"Nothing, most characters from zombie mode have a series of humorous one liners, I'm experimenting..." Jared said, standing.

"Well it doesn't seem appropriate!" Phenoxia replied, reloading her sawed off shotgun.

"Well if I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying..." Jared replied, resuming his struggle with the drum clip.

Phenoxia ran up to the window and quickly began rebuilding the barrier.

"So the Germans have been holding out on us, now we face the real army!" Reznov shouted from the balcony as he blasted a zombie.

Jared finally got the clip changed and ran up to the second floor.

Three zombies broke through the barrier at the top and began rushing the stairs, Jared pulled the trigger and the bullets began to fly.

Arms and legs were shredded as the Soviet weaponry's high rate of fire tore into the zombies. To Jared's horror they didn't even slowed down.

"Why won't they die!" Jared shouted in frustration as he vaulted over the railing.

"Because they are already dead?" Idea offered.

"Not helping!" Jared growled, tearing into the approaching zombies again.

Jared's combination of spraying and praying eventually resulted in one of the zombies collapsing in a broken heap as the PPS' dull click indicated that Jared was once again out of ammo. Drake came from around the corner and finished the other two off with his MP40.

"In Soviet Russia, The grenades cook you!" Jared shouted, flinging the explosive through the shattered barrier, taking out another zombie.

"Jared, no offense but you are severely unqualified for this mission..." Drake said, whipping sweat from his brow with the dusty sleeve of his fake uniform.

"None taken, I'm just here for my experience with Sue Storm, I've never had more then basic arms training..." Jared replied sheepishly.

"It's astonishing how you ever made it to the rank of Admiral!" Idea added.

"Quite you."

-

Although it wasn't her usual choice of weapon, Tash couldn't deny that the M1 Garand rifle's bayonet was quite effective for her fighting style, she would of rather have had her sword but it was tough enough maintaining her disguise as it was.

"Has Charis discovered where the Stu is yet?" Ben asked, fast stepping out of a zombie's lunge.

"Code Words Ben! We're supposed to be Marine's here!" Adrian hissed, slaying the zombie with his Bowie knife. "We need to blend in with these soldiers if we want to have the best chance of pulling this operation off..."

"Er, has headquarters located Hitler's bunker yet?" he asked.

"Ben, We're in Japan... We have no reason for... Never mind," Tash said, face palming.

"To answer your question no, we only know he's either here or in Berlin although it's equally likely that there are devices in both locations, Engineering Corps is still tracking the target." Chloe said, trying to make her voice sound as masculine as possible beneath her heavy face guard.

The American Marines continued the fight against the Imperial undead for several hours with little success, for every zombie that fell two more would rise to take it's place. Moral was low and munitions were lower still.

"This is getting us nowhere!" Adrian shouted, "We haven't made any progress since we've gotten here, and we still don't even know where the Stu is!" Adrian shouted.

"We can't keep this up Adrian, both teams are exhausted... We need to rethink our strategy..." Tash replied, putting three rounds into a zombie with three distinct pops of her Garand.

The zombie didn't stop and hurled itself violently on top of her, Tash repeatedly began stabbing the abomination with her bayonet. With a mighty heave and a burst of fire magic she thrust her rifle bayonet clean through the zombies neck.

Adrian bounded over just in time to throw the zombie of off her with a powerful shoulder tackle.

Tash shot Adrian a look that expressed a simple, wordless thanks as she raised her rifle and unloaded the rest of her clip into the head of the final zombie in the courtyard.

"Okay everybody, we only have a few minutes before the next wave arrives... I want everybody to get to the barracks for extraction..."

"Hold on... I've got a tiny isolated blip on the radar, it's coming from a small island about 25 miles south of the coast!" Pete replied, toying with the frequency on his transistor radio."

"Could it be our target?" Adrian asked while reviving a fallen marine.

"Too much interference... I absolutely cannot tell, but I think it's probable." Pete replied grimly.

Adrian chewed his lip, "Alright, then we stay."

Tash turned to face the group.

"Chloe, Ben, go look around and see if you can't find some army trucks that still run. Ingrid! Get on the roof of that tower and cover them. I don't want to spend another bloody minute hear then I have to..."

-

It came as no surprise to Jared when they received the order to pull back to the roof, the struggle seemed very hopeless; the powerful soviet forces simply did not have the numbers to hold the Reichstag. It was only a matter of time before their ammo supply ran dry.

"Let's go..." Michael ordered, and the Berlin team advanced up the stairs.

"The problem is our usual MO of go-in-and-look-for-the-stu just doesn't work when we're confined to such a small area..." Drake replied.

"Not to mention that we just can't get past infinite waves of the undead when we only have a finite amount of ammo and energy." Jared added, aiming his gun towards an advancing horde as he slowly backed up the stairs, although there was no point as he had run out of ammo long ago.

Drake tossed a grenade into their midst, effectively dispatching them.

"Whoever survived that is probably just a crawler, we'll get by." Drake said as a cloud of dust rose up.

Jared pulled out his secondary pistol and inserted his final clip.

"Where'd Micheal and Nixie go?" Drake asked as he and Jared reached the top of the stairs.

"There are so many Soviets up here they probably just got lost among them. We'll meet em on the roof." Jared said.

"Couldn't we just use the LPMC to track him down?" Drake asked.

"Sorry, I sent Idea and his men on a special assignment a half of an hour ago."

Tiny plotholes opened somewhere in the corner of a long forgotten Nazi foxhole.

"Men, we require the German artillery at this outpost, we believe it to be deserted. But stay alert just in case..." General Idea said, fitting a silencer on a miniature Thompson SMG.

"Sir, remind me again why we're using all these inferior firearms." Colonel O'Korn asked, loading his Springfield.

"You remember the mission briefing don't you? Period weapons only soldier!" Idea harshly whispered.

"Does that apply to us?"

"SHUT UP!"

The little green army man advanced along the makeshift building's sandbag walls, reaching what could be considered the command post.

"Hold! I hear voices." Idea said, peering around the corner.

"Zees are dark time mein Freund." Said a Nazi officer slamming down a shot glass.

"Aye. Zee war es all but lost. Yet our superiors still expect us to fight to zee last. It is such a vaste. Now our fallen comrades are rising, but it ez not for Germany they are fighting. No, I've seen men I've fought beside for years torn down by zee corpses of men who fought under there command. It makes no sense to me."

The officer poured himself and the soldier across from him another drink.

"Nor to me mein Freund, nor to me." Said the officer as he drank the liquor.

"Surgeon! Industry!" Idea whispered.

"Yes general." The two units said in unison.

"Execute maneuver stille Nacht," He said.

"GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Industry shouted, squeezing of several rounds from his BAR and charging into the room.

"Vat iz zhis?" The officers said, standing up.

"I thought Germany was supposed to be the land of toys?" Industry shouted at the top of his voice synthesizer.

Industry opened fire, tiny bullets whizzed through the air, striking the glass on the table. Liquor and tiny shards flew every where.

"Surgeon! NOW!" Idea shouted.

"GAAH!" One of the officers shouted, grabbing his ankle and pulling out a tiny syringe. It was only a second before his eyes rolled back and he fell to the floor.

"You'll pay for that!" The second man said, drawing his Gewehr 43.

BONK! A LPMC bomber slammed into the officers' head, he fell to the floor.

"Sorry, didn't have another syringe... had to make some changes to the plan." Surgeon said, waving at the pilot that it is okay to land.

Idea shook his head disapprovingly as he and the LPMC advanced past another sandbag wall.

"Bingo!" He shouted, shouldering his weapon and picking up his radio.

"Idea to the Admiral, we have secured the artillery!"

"Great!" A flustered and increasingly irritable Jared shouted, "Open fire on the streets outside the Reichstag! We are going to push these zombies back and make our way into the city no matter how many flipping Zombies stand in our way!" Jared said, picking up an abandoned PPS clip and reloading.

Drake formed up behind him as the two of them began firing a spray into the zombies advancing up the stairs.

"As Gene Simmons put so eloquently, 'It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll!'" Jared shouted.

"Brian Johnson!" Drake said,

"Who?"

"Brian Johnson is the lead singer for AC/DC, not Gene Simmons."

"Drake, you can be right, or you can be killing zombies. It's your call."

"I think I'll just do both!" Drake said, resuming his attack.

Insert A Wonderful Life Here

"There, the program's ready!" Jared said, hitting the execute button on his compiler program. "All LPGB personal report to the training pod!" Jared announced to the lab.

"You heard the man, get to it!" General Idea shouted as the minute military men each lined up in there individual pods connected to Jared's Laptop via the USB port.

"Hey there Jared, how's it going!" Chloe said, poking her head through a conveniently placed hole in the wall. "Mind telling me where this came from?"

Jared scowled, "There was a Christmas wreath there, but it was apparently infested with wall-eating mog toad larvae."

"I didn't think there was such a thing..." Chloe mused, twirling a candy cane whimsically between her fingers.

"I didn't either until I saw a whole bunch of them chewing through my wall... I currently installing an upgrade in the LPGB that will allow them to track them down." Jared said, "Would you like to come inside? It's a bit strange seeing just your head."

"Actually, I was just sent down to come get you... they need your help setting up the sound system for the Christmas party."

"I can't, if this firmware upgrade gets interrupted the consequences could be disastrous..." Jared said, shrugging.

"Jared, they really need you... how much trouble could they possibly get into while your gone?"

"Well, I suppose I could tear myself away for a few minutes... who knows, maybe I'll find the mog toads for myself."

"That's the spirit!" Chloe said, retracting her head from the hole in the wall.

Jared walked out into the hallway and joined his former lab mate.

"Nice dress your wearing." Jared stated.

"Really, you like it?"

"Yes, it really compliments the drywall bits in your hair..."

-

The door to the science hall exploded as Dave crashed through the door.

"Out of the way!" he shouted at a surprised Charis as he leapt down five steps at a time.

Charis didn't even have time to ask Dave what was going on when a passing brown and polished blur made her question a moot point.

"Jared you gotta help me!" Dave yelled, damaging the hinges on Jared's door as he violently forced it open.

"Get back here, you're only delaying the inevitable!" Shirley roared. Just far enough behind that Dave was able to seal the door to the lab before she could cross the threshold.

Six inches of reinforced steel proved no match for the stick as she closed in on her prey. The hinges literally shattered she forced her way into the room.

Four streams of white goo arched through the air, burying Shirley beneath a pile of white gunk.

"Hopefully Jared doesn't mind me using his wood glue..." Dave muttered, dropping the sprayer and walking over to inspect his work. He was a little alarmed when the pile shifted.

-

"The glue does nothing!" Dave shouted, running through commons room, with a gelatinous white blob in hot pursuit, picking up things like furniture, book shelves, Christmas decorations and Tyler as it progressed. Jared and Chloe looked up from there work just long enough to see a recliner on the tail end vanish through the exit.

"I've never seen furniture go bad like that..." Chloe said, awestruck.

"Well, if you don't arrange it just right, the fueng schway can get get out of whack, leaving it vulnerable to demonic possession." Jared offered.

"I hope this won't delay lunch..." Tyler stated, chewing on a bit of Christmas tree branch from his position in the glue wad.

-

Meanwhile in Jared's lab, confused army men and smashed laptop pieces lay scattered everywhere. Despite the extreme damage it received in the crossfire of Dave and Shirley's battle it managed to make a brief coughing report of 'download incomplete' before blue screening.

General Idea stood up and held his hand to his head.

"Man, I haven't felt this bad since the time the Admiral forgot I was in his pocket and sat on me..."

"Is anybody injured?" A light headed plastic surgeon asked woozily.

"Yes, my thighs appear to be embedded in my spleen..." said a horribly deformed Major industry.

"Are we on a mission now? We usually only receive firmware upgrades before we are deployed." Asked Captain Crunch as Surgeon began pulling Industry's legs out of his torso.

"Yes, the admiral has given me specific instructions that we are to track down..." Idea's head jerked to one side with a shower of sparks as his processer ran into a block of corrupted data.

"AYESWHEREWASTHATTROUSERNOW...10100110 AAFF44 seg dual boot firmware... THEcakeISaLIE#DEBUG 00x999921 Got it!" Idea said, "Oh lord, I don't know if we're ready for this..." he said trembling...

"What is it?" Commander Follower asked.

"We are being ordered to capture the biggest communist of our time," Idea said darkly, "Gentlemen, we are going after Santa himself!"

For Tyler, Christmas couldn't be going any better. Despite the fact he was currently attached to an ever growing mass of angry Shirley, Dave's flight seemed to be taking him by a whole stash of delectable Christmas goodies, of course he usually only had seconds to grab them as they charged by.

-

"Hi Tyler." Ben said from atop the glue wad.

"Hey Ben, what brings you here?" Tyler asked.

"Dave ran under the ladder I was standing on while hanging lights, I kinda fell onto the pile. I got off easy when compared to Avak though."

"Where's he?"

"Under the pile..."

"Mfhhh wog!" Came Avak's muffled cry as he was dragged across the floor.

"Do you think we'll be hear long?" Tyler asked.

"From what Jared told me the glue dissolves in three hours, so until then you're literally stuck with me."

A hideous shriek burst forth from the center of the mass, as if to say 'I'll deal with you later'.

-

A sparking mass of malfunctioning LPGB sat in audience of General Idea at the podium. An old slide projector sat in the corner, emitting a flickering picture of Santa Claus onto one of Chevila's doors.

"The person you are now witnessing is none other then Santa Claus himself, the earliest known communist we have on file... Herttzzzz I AM ERROR! Fuzzy Wuzzy LEEERRROOOYYY!" Idea shouted as sparks burst out of his head.

Without even pausing to recognize his malfunction Idea resumed his briefing.

"There have been debates over whether or not Claus is actually an Red agent, but consider the facts: Claus is in charge of a legion of helpers who instead of wages exist in a state of servitude in exchange for community shelter and food, this is the strongest supporting detail in the case."

General Idea punctuated this sentence by spasticly waving his right arm around like a windmill as a shower of sparks erupted from a motor-server.

"For the most part he has not been the aggressor, choosing instead to spread his ideology by giving the youth of foreign countries toys, however if his network of spies identify a child who is strongly anti-Soviet, he has been know to inflict moral damage by depositing coal in there stockings, or clogs if you are in Sweden. But recently his pacifist demeanor has taken a violent turn."

Idea clicked his remote and the slide changed to a black and white aerial surveillance picture of an old woman walking down the street.

"On December 24th, 1983 at 21:34 hours in a small rural community in Ukraine undercover CIA Agent Elenore Jones, designation GRANDMA was close to making a breakthrough in finding out the secret location of Santa's workshop bunker when she was suddenly attacked by one of Santa's trained deer on her way home from a local pub. On his flight Santa noticed that she was significantly intoxicated from an abundant intake of eggnog, and he decided to make an attack of opportunity. Although she survived the attack, Jones was severely shell shocked for years. When she finally returned to duty she forced to take a desk job. The CIA lost a damn good field agent that day." Idea said, wiping a non-existent tear from his eye.

"How will we get to Santa sir?" One of the LPGB infantrymen asked.

"We can't, recent intelligence places Santa's bunker in a remote region of the North Pole, harsh weather conditions makes it practically invisible to radar, it is practically a fortress. Fortunately we have a lead."

Idea changed the slides.

"Her name is Natasha Rojenko Chugainov, or more commonly known as Mrs. Claus; we get to her, we get Santa!" Idea announced.

"That is all the briefing you are going to get, Operation Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh begins in 1 hour."

Meanwhile, in a more "stable" part of the Library.

"Well, how is everybodies holiday going?" Karrisa asked from her new position at the front of the glue wad.

"Full of sticky situations!" Dave shouted between pants a few feet ahead of the pack.

"Gumph!" Shouted Avak.

"I've had better I must admit..." Kyle replied from his awkward position of being glue to a lampstand.

Dave sprinted around the door and ran by Rhia's kitchen, Rhia herself chose exactly the wrong moment to step out side.

"Hey, does anybody want any Christmas cooki-!" she shouted before getting swept up.

Cookies launched into the air, falling ungracefully to the floor despite Tyler's every effort to dislodge himself to catch them.

"Hey Dave, I need to check my E-mail, think you can run by that laptop over there?" Ben shouted.

"Sure, not a problem!"

-

When Jared returned to the science hall he had a vague feeling something was wrong, the first rad flag seemed to spring up about the same time he was witnessing a mog toad chomping his way into Charis' lab.

"Funny, I thought Idea would have taken care of that by now." Jared thought to himself as he blasted the toad with earth magic, the creature dissolved into Mog Dust.

The second red flag went up when he saw the smashed in door of his lab.

The third red flag went up when he heard the scream from Charis' lab.

"What the heck is going on here!" He yelled, breaking through the door's lock with a swing of his hammer.

"This is your last ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chance! Tell us where we can find Chugainov before I start getting angry-y-y-y-y-y!" Idea sputtered at the tied up form of Charis.

"I ordered you a long time ago to leave Charis and her sister alone, now stand down and return to base for furthur disciplene!" Jared ordered to the startling effect of a total non reaction of the LPGB.

"What in the blazes! Did you not hear me? I ordered you to stand down!" Jared shouted.

"Jared, I think there's something wrong with them, they're acting strange even for them!"

"Alright, have it your way. Gentlemen burn the lab!"

Before the LPGB could set fire to anything Jared quickly pulled out his emergency overide remote and punched the shut off button, absolutly nothing happened.

Many of the LPGB began striking matches, Jared pulled out his Boomhammer. As much as it pained him to do it, he was going to have to destroy his beloved creation, it would take him months to put them back together but if he didn't Charis would never speak to him again. With one mighty swing the deed was done.

Silence reigned as Jared untied Charis, together the two of them swept the broken plastic pieces into a dust pan.

"All that hard work building them, now I have to start all over!" Jared said, pulling out individual memory coils so that they could be salvaged.

"Actually Jared, I don't think rebuilding your army will take as long as you think." Charis replied.

"Oh?" Jared replied skeptically, as Charis swiped the coils out of his hand.

"I was going to wait till the party to give this to you, and I almost reconsidered doing it at all after what just happened... but in the spirit of Christmas and forgiveness I'll show you your present!" Charis said, opening a drawer.

Jared's jaw dropped.

"Charis, that's amazing!"

"It's my way of saying thanks for getting the LPGB to leave Karissa and I alone, of course you have to fix whatever is wrong with their AI program before I let you have them..." Charis said, pulling out rows of heavily outfitted army men painted dark green bearing modern weaponry. Jared noticed the new insignia on their sleeves.

"I guess now I better get started programming interface drivers for my new... Little Plastic Marine Corps!"

-

It had taken awhile, but Shirley had finally managed to catch Dave, fortunately for him "caught" simply meant that he was attached to the exterior of the glue was roughly five feet away from Shirley's closest threatening appendage.

"When this glue dissolves you and Ben are going to get it!" Shirley shouted, although from inside the wad it sounded more like the sound of a fat man sitting on a rotten pumpkin then actual speaking.

"Does anybody know the best way to remove glue from very curly hair?" Ben asked.

"Ah... It's a wonderful life!" Chloe sighed from her spot next to Chrys on the left side of the Shirley wad.

Insert Successful Attempt to Hide the Truth Here

"Be careful Micheal, we don't know how many of them are inside..." Prometheus warned through ex-secret service agent Micheal Ford's radio.

"If I wasn't a careful person Prometheus, I would have been a Drudge value meal back at the Library of Congress." Micheal said, reloading his USP45.

"Actually, the Drudge don't eat humans, they are fueled by the same biomass that powers they're weapons. But the point is Micheal, inside the Pentagon is the largest nest we've encountered to date, if we don't wipe it out, we risk given the Trust a nearly unparalleled amount of power."

"Is there any good news?" Ford asked.

"Actually yes, I've managed to find you a partner, he's working on the inside posing as one of the Trust's puppets. You'll recognize him by the fact that that he's the only marine carrying a SPAS-12 shotgun."

"Not exactly standard issue... won't that raise suspicion?"

"He's assured me it won't, and I'm inclined to believe him..."

"Alright then, let's move."

"Time is of the essence Micheal, if you let them take the Pentagon we risk giving them control of all aspects of national defense, I don't think I need to tell you why it's important we don't allow that to happen."

"I got it, Ford out..."

-

Somewhere within the science hall a four cylinder engine roared to life.

"It's working!" Jared yelped, giving his newly repaired truck's gas pedal an experimental push as it idled forward.

"You know if you weren't spending so much time on the LPGB you would have gotten that done a long time ago..." Chloe said, working on repairing some damaged field equipment.

"Hey that's not my fault, that little incident with the Weapon of Minute Destruction forced me to scale back on all their weaponry, that takes time." Jared said.

"All agents report to the briefing room for an urgent briefing!" Came Micheal's voice over the loud speaker.

"Sounds like we gots us a missions!" Jared said, holstering his hammer.

-

"Who here knows anything about the Conduit?" Micheal asked the crowd of gathered agents.

"Only what I've read in Nintendo Power..." Ben answered.

"It's a conspiracy based first person shooter set in Washington D.C." Jared offered.

"What do you mean conspiracy based?" Micheal asked.

"The games plot is based around an underground organization called the Trust and their attempt to take control of the United States and establish it as the most powerful country in the world. They do so by staging an invasion of genetically engineered aliens called the Drudge. They earn President Charles Johnson's trust by convincing them that the Trust's advanced technology are the only thing that can combat the crisis, this continues to the point that the President actually gives them complete executive power in order to save Washington."

"Do they succeed?"

"Beats me, there's no way to know until the sequel comes out."

"Is there anything standing in their way?"

"Only an ex-secret service agent inside stolen armor technology with an experimental cipher device accompanied by a disembodied voice."

"Well it seams to me that you are the most capable agent for the job... how soon can you be ready?" Micheal asked.

"Well I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you, the amount of heavy weaponry in this fandom puts me at a huge disadvantage. I'm going to say that this fandom is too dangerous for any agent without adequate protection or knowlage of firearms.

"Well I'll go see if Drake or Ingrid are up to it then..." Micheal said, turning to leave.

"There's no need for that." Chloe answered, "I'll go!"

"But you don't have any armor, and that shield of yours won't do you much good in a full on fire fight." Ben added.

"No problem, I'll just take Chevila along..." Chloe answered, "you did get the cannonizer repaired right?" She asked while turning to Jared.

"Yeah, you know, that just might work!" Jared said, flipping his mission report form over and scribbling in some calculations.

"Yeah, there are no vehicles in this fandom, so there's a very high probability Chevila's cannonization will take the form of Trust armor, There's just one problem though..."

"What's that?" Chloe asked.

"Trust armor not being employed by the Trust itself takes at least two people to operate, somebody in the suit itself and somebody patched into the suit remotely with the responsibility of hacking through the suits defenses to enable it's functionality, and since Phoenixia is on a mission right now I'm going to assume my knowledge of the fandom makes me the most qualified for the job, I'll go set up in the monitor room and let you know when I'm ready." Jared said.

"Great, I'll head down to the lab and pickup my sword, and your Boomhammer too if you don't mind."

"What's mine is yours, and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Take General Idea along, his knowledge of tactics is alot better than yours and mine, and he'll be able to ride along in your ammo belt."

"Alright, now let's get moving." Chloe said.

-

Micheal Ford crouched below an overturned desk in one of the Pentegon's office rooms just in time to avoid being gunned down by a barrage of automatic weapons fire.

"Micheal, Adams has enslaved the minds of enough Marines to hold this room for hours, you're just going to have to find a way around..." Prometheus said over the radio,

"You don't have to tell me twice..." Ford answered, sticking his head up long enough to fire a couple rounds from his SCAR before heading towards the door.

"GWARRRGH! GUUUHHHH!" A Drudge shock trooper shouted, smashing his way into the room.

"Micheal! Watch out!" Prometheus shouted in vain as the Drudge pounded the agent off of his feet, causing him to drop his weapon.

Micheal tried to draw his USP as he began backing away, only to have it shot out of his hand by the Drudge's alien rifle.

"Prometheus! Can you give me any more power?" Micheal asked, hoping to defeat the Drudge in melee combat.

"I'm sorry, I haven't been able to hack your armor suffeciantly to stand up to a Drudge with the amount of injuries you've recieved... now because of my lack of ability nobody will be able to expose this conspiracy to the world."

"Now Prometheus, you give up to easily!" A man in a marine uniform carrying a shotgun shouted, appearing behind the Drudge and blasting the back of his head.

"Thanks for the assist, it's nice having someone on my side for once!" Ford answered, extending his hand.

"My pleasure," said the unknown man, helping Ford to his feet and giving him back his weapons. "Shall we go?"

"Gladly..." Ford said, holstering his USP and following the man through the door.

-

Chloe and Chevila entered the fandom on the roof of a mostly undamaged section of the Pentagon. Chloe wasted no time cannonizing the truck into a suit of Trust armor.

"Okay Chloe... I'm patching into your suit now." Jared's voice sounded in her ear.

"Great, I can feel my legs getting stronger... is that you?"

"Yep, so far I've only been able to enable enhanced jumping, I'll get to work on the damage reduction features next. If I were you I'd focus on getting your hands on a gun, you won't last against the tougher enemies relying on melee combat." Jared warned.

"I'm on it, so where do I need to be going?"

"Try finding one of the Pentagon's situation rooms, that's where the data the Trust is after is. If you suspect the Stu is nearby, use your Cannon Camera to identify him. Jared out." Jared said before ending the transmission.

Chloe reached for the sling on her back containing the Boomhammer.

"I beleive this is probably the best way inside..." She muttered, drawing the hammer and raising it above her head.

"Let's lock and load!" General Idea said, slapping a new clip into his M16 and pulling himself up to the point the upper half of his body was sticking out of the ammo belt.

"You do realize you're hear to consultant, not as muscle."

"Preposterous! The Admiral told me I was coming along to safegaurd your life and ensure the sucessfull apprehension of the Gary Stu!"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night..." Chloe chuckled, swinging the hammer down onto the roof with a thunderous crash.

-

"Did you hear that boom?" The Stu asked, tightening his grip on the SPAS-12.

"Probably just a Ther-mite accidentally detonating a ghost mine, don't be paranoid..." Ford answered.

"In the business of aliens and government conspiracies, if you aren't being paranoid, then you're wrong." The Stu answered, "C'mon, let's pick up the pace!"

-

"Boy, these things are everywhere!" Chloe shouted before slashing a knee high blue creature with her blade.

"Those are called Tear-Mites, there's no point wasting bullets on them when a good right hook can effectivly take them out of commission." Jared stated on the radio.

Chloe was about to respond when one of the mites leapt up and raked it's twin claws down her front, slicing through her armor.

"Ah!" She shouted before leaping back and slamming her blade into it's single eye.

"Don't underestimate them Chloe! They're deadly in numbers!" Jared shouted, "are you alright?"

"The critter got me pretty good, it hurts but it also feels kind of funny, and my visions gone green." Chloe answered.

"That's the suit repairing your wounds and sealing itself. Don't take it for granted though, it's very easy to receive injuries faster then the suit can repair them."

"Well that's wonderfully encouraging, you should be a motivational speaker..." Chloe said flatly as she ran the last mite through.

"Don't worry, I've almost broken through the second firewall, I'll be able to increase power in your armor shortly." Chloe heard Jared say over the sound of rapid keystrokes.

"I feel better... has the suit patched me up?" Chloe asked.

"My sensors indicate that your the picture of health, although you've gained two pounds since the last time you've had a checkup. Furthermore the biosensors tell me black isn't your natural hair color."

"Now you better shut your lying trap right now or...!"

"Relax, I was only joking, you know laughter's supposed to be the best medicine." Jared responded.

"Well we'll see who's laughing when I get back..." Chloe muttered darkly.

"Eek." Jared said flatly, Chloe couldn't help but laugh.

"You're gonna get it one of these days."

"We've got company!" General Idea shouted, raising his M16.

At that moment several human marine puppets stormed into the room shouting orders and wielding MP5KA4s and SCARs.

"Dang, I was hoping on getting hold of a weapon before getting into a fire fight!" Chloe yelled before diving behind a filing cabinet.

"Shall I send in a LPGB airstrike?" Jared asked.

"Don't bother, your micro-missiles may take out the average thug, but these are hardcore marines armored from head to toe. I don't even think my rubix cubes would do anything." Chloe said before sticking her head out and firing a few bursts from the end of the Boomhammer which did little more than knock the marines they hit down.

"I have an plan! Cover me!" General Idea shouted, pulling himself out of the ammo belt completly and jumping down.

"Where are you going!" Chloe said, firing of another shot.

"To the source of the problem!" Idea said, running around the filing cabinet.

-

"We must be getting close, we're running into alot more Drudge and alot less puppets!" The Stu said, delivering a headshot into the nearest Drone.

"Look out! Prometheus just detected a large biomass heading our direction!" Ford warned.

Micheal's words were quickly followed by the sound of strained dry wall as a giant Scarab broke through the wall.

"Look out! That hive cannon is deadly!" Ford shouted, taking cover behind a desk as a rapid fire barrage of exploding insects obliterated the wall behind him.

"Living ammunition... seems kind of cruel," the Stu remarked, retiring the shotgun in favor of a SMAW (Shoulder-launched Multipurpose Assault Weapon).

"Not nearly as cruel as shooting somebody with it." Ford responded, picking up a Drudge Shrike Rifle and begining to charge a shot.

"Fire in the hole!" The Stu shouted, firing a rocket from his SMAW.

The Scarab growled in fury as the rocket detonated, creating multiple stress fractures on most of it's exoskeleton.

"I'll cover while you reload!" Ford shouted, firing his rifle and generating a sizable crack in the Skimmer's exoskelaton.

"Thanks! We have him now!" The Stu said, securing a new rocket and firing.

The rocket exploded on contact with the creature, causing it to scream in pain as in knelt over in death.

"Well he won't be needing this anymore!" The Stu stated, dropping the SMAW and picking up the Hive Cannon, breifly cringing in disgust as it gave a squelsh of discomfort as he inserted his hand into it.

"If you plan on using it you'll need a couple of egg sacs." Ford said, picking up and handing his partner a couple of the white spheres.

"Thanks, that should be the situation room over there right?" The Stu asked.

"Yep, you'll need to hold the Drudge and the Marines off while I use the A.S.E. to steal the information John Adams and the Trust are after." Ford said, pulling out the spherical ciphering tool.

"I have a better plan Mr. Ford, you drop the All-Seeing Eye and back away slowly and I'll pick it up!" The Stu shouted, raising the organic Hive Cannon.

"What?"

"Wrong answer!" The Stu said, firing a rapid fire insect barrage into the unsuspecting ex-secret service agent.

"Micheal! What's going on!" Prometheus' panic stricken voice shouted from Micheal's radio as smoke began to rise up from the explosive ridden armor.

"This is Agent Zero calling John Adams, your little ruse worked. I have the A.S.E. device and direct access to the Pentagon's computer system. Give me half-an-hour and then I'll come and give you your gift."

"Excellent Mr. Zero, I'll be sure to wire the money into your account." Came the smooth voice of the head of the Trust.

Agent Zero pocketed the A.S.E. and turned slowly, strolling into the situation room with confidence.

-

"This cabinet isn't going to last much longer Jared, I'm going to have to retreat!" Chloe shouted as a bullet burst out of the back of the drawer next to her head.

"Belay that!" General Idea voice blared in her ear.

"How did you find this frequency?" Chloe demanded.

"The Admiral pretty much uses the same frequency for everything, LPGB communication, Chevila cannonization controls, inter-agent communication, etc. It's kind of lazy really." General Idea explained.

"I can't be bothered to memorize multiple sets of complicated numbers!" Jared objected.

"Never the less, I need to escape now while my armor is still in one piece!" Chloe retorted, as if to emphasize her point a bullet blew through the cabinet and slammed into her leg.

"Argh!" Chloe shouted in pain.

"Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound, you'll be fine in a moment." Jared assured as the suit went to work on the injury.

Chloe didn't have time to respond as an explosion rocked the room, flinging Marines into the air.

"What the heck! General Idea was that you?" Chloe asked.

"Yes!" Said the tiny plastic man as he came sprinting back, "I climbed the outside of the nearest marine's pant leg and pulled the pin off of one of his grenades. Never saw it coming."

"Well next time let me know what your planning before you run off and do it!" Chloe said, picking up and inserting Idea back into her ammo belt.

"What, and ruin it for the reader?" Jared said, followed by a loud rumbling and multiple voices shouting on his end of the radio.

"Jared, no forth wall breaking when you're not inside the fandom!" Micheal Wasson could be heard shouting.

"Well at least I have useful weapons!" Chloe said, picking up an MP5KA4 and a SCAR.

"Swipe a few frag grenades too, you never know when you'll need to blow up the crap out of something." Jared joked.

Chloe holstered the SCAR, feeling the MP5KA4 submachine gun would be more useful in the tight corridors as she opened the door to the stairwell.

"If my memory of this level is right, you need to go up." Jared said.

"How's the firewall coming?" Chloe asked, wanting to get more protection then her current access level allowed.

"Not good, the Trust's encryption methods are more advanced than I first thought, I've recruited Charis and Pete to help. Hopefully that will speed things along." Jared said as Chloe began climbing the stairs.

-

"Adams, I'm just about finished here... you better not try and double cross me like you did Ford at the Jefferson memorial."

"Don't worry, I understand now how frequently such double deals come back to haunt me, you'll get your money without any difficulty..." Adams said.

Unfortunately for Adams it was at that moment Zero looked up into one of the Pentagon's security monitors and discovered a person in a suit of Trust armor climbing the stairs.

"You liar! You think me such a fool that I could just do your dirty work and then be hung out to dry!" Zero said, terminating the download.

"Listen to me Agent Zero, that is not one of my men I assure you..."

"Lies! Ford was the only one who had managed to get his hands on a suit of Trust armor! I'm afraid our good relations will be ending here Mr. Adams, expect me to drop by sometime to partake in an exit interview!"

"I'm afraid I cannot allow that Agent Zero, if you will not cooperate with me I'm afraid I can't let you leave alive." Adams flatly stated as conduits began opening in the room.

"I fought my way through your Drudge army the whole way here! You honestly expect more Drudge are capable of beating me!" Agent Zero yelled, raising his hive cannon.



"There, I've just disabled the next firewall, you should now be able to take less damage... but be careful when you go into the next room. It's full of Drudge," Jared warned.

"Got it, I'm going in!" Chloe shouted, preparing to Boomhammer the door.

"Breaching in 3... 2... 1...!" General Idea shouted as Chloe swung, blowing the door off of its hinges.

"Glargh!" Shouted a wounded Drudge as Zero's Hive Cannon tore into him.

"Watch out for that Hive Cannon! It's capable of launching a focused bullet line or a powerful shotgun spread, it's deadly under any circumstance!" Jared warned.

"I see you! Don't even think of sneaking around me!" Zero shouted from the open space beneath the Balcony Chloe was on as she dived beneath a computer console.

"I don't give a frag!" Chloe shouted, pulling out and flinging a grenade.

"That joke was... extremely tasteless, I'm proud of you." Jared complemented.

Agent Zero looked up from beating on a Tear-mite just soon enough to leap out of the frag grenades range.

"Look out for the Drone!" Jared warned as one of the hulking creatures ran up behind Chloe.

Chloe turned around and held the trigger on the submachine gun down, repeatedly blasting the alien creature.

"Grah!" The Drone shouted, raising it's Shrike Rifle and firing, Chloe nimbly dodged as she replaced her now empty clip.

"Eat it!" She shouted, blasting the creature in the head, finally killing it.

"Chloe, toss your SCAR to the side and pick up that things Shrike Rifle, it's a much better weapon!" Jared prompted, which she complied.

"Despite that guys warning, I'm going to try sneaking around while he's busy fighting Drudge, it seems like a much better option then a frontal assault."

"I agree," said General Idea.

Suddenly a door on the balcony opened up, revealing the semi transparent form of a hulking monster with a black exoskeleton and a long scythe like claw extending from each arm.

"What is that thing!" Chloe shouted, firing her machine gun, visibly jumping when most shots passed right through it.

"It's a Storm Scarab! It's partially intangible, you won't be able to kill it without using the A.S.E. to make it more vulnerable, run!" Jared yelled.

Chloe holstered her gun, pulled the pin on another frag grenade and flung it straight up into the air as the creature charged, detonating as she leapt away.

"That won't do much more then slow it down, hurry down those stairs!" Jared urged, Chloe complied only to be pelted by a barrage of Hive Cannon missiles.

"Gah, it hurts!" She shouted as the insects exploded against her armor, causing her to stumble and roll down the rest of the stairs.

"Well I'd love to finish you off, but you have a Storm Scarab right behind you that will probably do the job for me!" Agent Zero said before turning his attention on a flying Skimmer.

Chloe gasped for air and rolled onto her back as the Storm Scarab grew closer.

The thing raised it's claws and brought them down violently, but not before Chloe could raise her Boomhammer and catch the blow.

"You have to be tangible enough to hit me, but that means I can strike too!" She coughed, before drawing the Boomhammer back and blowing the Storm Scarab across the room and back into the balcony.

Chloe dragged herself behind a desk before propping herself up against it and fishing around for another ammo clip.

"Chloe, your health is in the red, giving away your position now is suicide! Wait for your suit to patch you up."

"We don't have that kind of time, if I don't get him now while he's distracted that Scarab's gonna come right back down those stairs and fill my hands up again!" She said, poking her head above the desk and aiming down the sights as she prepared to run out of her hiding spot.

"Well if your gonna go through with this foolishness at least do it right and snipe him with your Shrike Rifle!" Jared implied.

Chloe lifted up the alien weapon.

"How? It doesn't have a scope." She asked.

"It doesn't need one, just hold it at shoulder level and it will enhance your eyes directly." Jared stated.

"What does that mean?"

"Just do it before that thing comes back!" Jared urged.

Chloe raised the rifle to her head, nothing prepared her for what happened next.

The blood vessels in her eyes suddenly became red and visible to her as her field of vision was forcible shrunken and zoomed in while everything she was seeing gained an orangish haze.

"Alg, this is so weird interfacing a weapon directly with my eyes!" She hissed as the weapon began to draw energy from it's organic biomass.

"There's no end to these guys!" Zero said, throwing aside the empty Hive Cannon and pulling out a futuristic looking red and black pistol before headshotting a drone.

"What is that thing?" Chloe asked.

"Be very careful, that's a Deatomizer MK9 manufactured by the Trust. It has three barrels that shoot two plasma blasts each that can be aimed individually! Further more if one of them makes contact with something all of the other plasma discharges are pulled to it. You can survive one or two discharges, but if you manage to attract the other four you'll be vaporized hands down!" Jared warned.

"Aimed individually, how the heck do you do that?" Chloe asked, steadying her aim.

"Let's just say it would only be possible on the Wii and leave it at that... now take your shot, I'm picking up heavy Drudge movements from on top of the balcony."

Chloe shouted a battle cry and released the trigger, sending a beam of biomass slamming into the Stu right as he took down another Skimmer.

"Blast it!" He yelled as his left arm was vaporized by the acidic reaction.

Chloe felt a wave of euphoria as the armor's regenerative capabilities finally became significantly active.

"Your under arrest for fandom manipulation and interruption of cannon!" She shouted, leveling her rifle as she walked out into the center of the room.

"Its you!" The Stu shouted.

"Pardon?" Chloe asked, aiming the rifle at his head.

The Stu reached up with his right hand and popped the strap on his gas mask, letting it fall to the floor.

"Don't you recognize me?" The Stu asked.

"I know you!" Chloe shouted after a moments contemplation.

"This is the Stu we busted back in the F-Zero fandom! I thought you were dead, how did you survive?" Jared asked.

"He can't hear you Jared, the radio is inside my helmet." Chloe muttered.

"Sorry, I forget."

"I escaped and have been laying low ever since the Library invasion, I figured this fandom was so wacky and conspiracy ridden nobody would notice a Stu double agent, I guess wrong. So what do we do now?"

"Obviously I place you under arrest!" Chloe said, approaching the Stu slowly.

"I don't think so!" The Stu declared, twirling his experimental weapon.

"But you've got no arm!" Jared found himself shouting in a hilariously bad accent.

"Tis Mearly a flesh wound!" Chloe could hear Ben shout in the background in similar vain.

"Children! Focus!" she shouted.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it..." Jared muttered.

Agent Zero's gun began rotating so the three barrels all focused on Chloe.

"So what's it going to be?" He asked.

Chloe's only response was the ignition of biomatter from the barrel of her Shrike Rifle as she dove to the side.

"A pity..." Zero muttered, dodging the shot and sending a barrage of plasma emissions at Chloe.

Chloe held up her Rifle to block the shot, which successfully blocked one. Chloe was startled as the explosion of the plasma attracted the other charges, effectively vaporizing her weapon while allowing another discharge to continue uninterrupted into her stomach.

"AH!" She shouted as a blinding fire tore through her armors sensors.

"Geeze!" Jared shouted at the monitor, "that single barrage just drained 75% of her total health!"

Chloe yanked the pin out of a frag grenade before hurling it a zero and jumping to the side.

"Tsk!" Said the one-armed Stu, disintegrating the grenade with a shot from the MK9.

Chloe pulled out her MP5KA4 and opened fire, none of the bullets found there mark though as the Stu sprinted into the shadows.

"Chloe, Trust weapons will tear through any conventional weapons you'll be able to get your hands on in this location. You've got to secure some Drudge firearms if you go toe-to-toe with this guy." Jared advised.

"What's that over there?" Chloe asked, cutting her eyes towards the middle.

"Perfect, that's a Striker, the Drudge equivalent of a guided missile launcher." Jared answered.

Chloe leapt from cover just long enough to grab the Striker, only narrowly avoiding being blasted by the MK9.

"Hold your fire!" Jared yelled.

"Why?" Chloe asked, shoving a biomass into the weapon.

"It's back..." was all Jared had time to say as the Storm Scarab charged back down the balcony stairs.

"Rawr!" It shouted, flinging computers aside as it charged towards the Stu.

"For pity's sake!" Zero screamed, holstering his weapon and pulling out the A.S.E. device.

Filmy, translucent tentacles reached out for the cipher tool and began running across the surface of the cloaked figure, searching for a way to deactivate the cloak as the Storm Scarab grew closer.

"Bingo!" Zero shouted as the scarab popped into visibility and stumbled to the ground with the shock of becoming tangible.

"This had better work!" Chloe shouted, firing the Striker.

The orange, glowing biosphere arced through the air with a piercing scream as it drew near the Drudge and the Stu, who was struggling to pocket the A.S.E. and draw his weapon before it hit.

The orb struck the ground right between the Scarab and the Stu, stunning the former and throwing the latter against the wall.

"Yes!" Chloe said, holstering her weapon and and pulling out a prohibitor.

"You are under arrest!" she repeated, not noticing a man in Trust armor limping into the room.

"Hurry Micheal, I can sense the A.S.E. up ahead!" Prometheus urged into Ford's radio.

"I'm going as fast as I can, but that hive cannon did a number on me!" Ford complained, raising the HVS enhanced pistol he had picked up.

"I don't think so!" Zero shouted, raising his MK9.

"Hand over the A.S.E!" Ford shouted,startling the Stu and Chloe.

"What?" Agent Zero asked.

"Wrong answer!" Ford replied, pulling the trigger.

Zero was pulled off of his feet from the impact and sent spiraling into the air.

"I got him!" Chloe said, starting to run.

"No! You're wearing Trust armor! Ford's gonna mistake you for an enemy!" Jared yelled.

As if to emphasis his point a high power shot tore past Chloe's ear, narrowly missing.

"But what about the Stu?" Chloe asked.

"Forget about him, the HVS is a one-shot-kill weapon, he's dead! Now get out of there!" Jared urged.

"Got it!" Chloe said, leaping through a plothole just before Ford could squeeze off another round.

-

"Well, the Stu evaded capture by not evading a bullet, somewhat ironic isn't it?" Jared said, filing the report.

"Yes, I suppose..." Chloe responded, polishing her sword.

"With that said, there's still one thing to do!" Jared said, getting up.

"You mean your not going to take that mission report to Tash?" Chloe asked.

"Oh I will," Jared said, picking up a Wiimote.

"What are you doing?" Chloe asked as Jared fired up his Wii. "We still have work to do!" Chloe objected.

"Sorry, I still haven't unlocked the Meryl ending yet, and you have to have your priorities!" Jared said, trading the Wiimote for a Gamecube controller.

-

Somewhere in the deep corners of the Pentagon, Agent Zero's body lay forgotten and abandoned as National Guard members rushed in, securing the room. Sparks fell like rain from damaged electrical components as rain poured in unhindered through holes in the ceiling. The National Guard salvaged what terminals they could, to their astonishment finding that all data pertaining to national security had been striped from the harddrives.

Despite all the chaos, some of the cold refreshing reached the still body of Agent Zero, who coughed and shivered as the National Guard stormed out of the room searching for the responsible party.

-

In the shadows of an underground lab in the city of Berlin, a figure was working on a giant machine.

"Can't you work any faster!" A shadowy figure shouted at it in authoritative German.

"Nien! I'm working as fast as I can!" The man spat back.

"Very well, but if your not finished by the time the Society arrives, I'll let you know now there will be consequences!" The figure muttered before turning away.

"Ack! One cannot raise an army overnight, if you are not patient you will not get one at all!" The scientist grumbled to himself before getting back to work...

The Few, The Proud, The Plastic

Oh, you'll meet lots of new friends and you're sure to get paid.

We'll show you the world and we'll teach you a trade. It's
not a job, it's an adventure, Oh yes sir I got that,

ahh but you never told me I'd get my ass shot at.

~The Ballad of Balad by Toby Keith Feat. the Hogliners

Private Industry pulled the pin on his flash grenade as he leapt just beyond Shirley's effective range.

"Shield your eyes!" He shouted to the other LPGB members as he threw the grenade, which was pointless since the LPGB's eyes were made of green paint.

Shirley leapt forward and swallowed the flashbang whole, there was a loud pop and light burst out from between Shirley's teeth.

"The flash was good, but it could have used a little more bang..." she commented, tearing up a piece of floorboard to block and smash a battalion of LPGB flamethrowers.

Shirley was getting irritated with these things, for months they had been nothing more then convenient snacks scattered throughout the Library, then as their numbers grew and their weapons evolved they became outlets for amusing little hunts. A month after that they became annoying as they began to use wood glue to hinder her mobility, but this was the first time they had actually sought her out and attacked her without provocation, she would have to deal them a heavy blow if she was to remain the dominant one in her relationship with the LPGB, which she admitted was a fun prospect.

"Industry! Take control of the predator!" Captain Crunch said, firing a burst from his M-16.

Private Industry pulled out a laptop and began operating the targeting mechanism for the unmanned aircraft that was flying around the room, after locking on to Shirley's position Industry launched the predator's AGM and began guiding it towards it's target.

"Missile inbound!" shouted Major Detail as he fired a rifle grenade at Shirley, the weapon exploded uselessly on her back.

Shirley looked up just in time to see the missiles strike, sending up a cloud of smoke in a six foot radius in every direction.

"Way to go men! We got her that time!" General Idea shouted, only to see one of two halves foot soldiers fly through the air past him.

"What! How can she still be combat effective! That air-strike should have reduced her into a brush pile!"

"Incoming!" Captain Crunch shouted, opening fire with an RPD as Shirley emerged from the smoke.

"You're fighting outside your weight class, General!" Shirley shouted, swatting aside battalion after battalion of soldiers.

"Gentlemen, we have no choice, prepare the 'Fat Lady Sings' anti-cliche stick missile!" General Idea shouted.

"But sir! The FLS hasn't been fully tested!" One of the foot soldiers objected.

"It's gonna get tested now! Now make it happen!" Idea insisted.

From the rear of the room a coffee table sized missle platform smashed through the door, carrying a similar sized warhead.

"What the heck is going on here!" Jared yelled, bursting in the room. "I'm getting reports from every single one of our leaders saying you guys are demolishing a room!"

"We are currently mounting an offensive against our deadliest enemy, the room is just a casualty of war!" Idea responded.

"I don't think Tash would feel the same way..." Jared remarked.

About that same time, Ben came in through the other door.

"Hey Jared, what the heck is going on here? You can here the noise all the way over in the monitor room!" Ben shouted over the LPGB weapons fire.

"Your muse and my army are going at it, their conflict appears to be escalating." Jared shouted, frantically trying to restock a bookshelf that had been knocked over.

"I'll say, have you noticed the sparking rocket over there?" Ben asked.

"Oh no! You had better put these on, and don't look directly into the explosion for the first ten seconds." Jared said, frantically handing Ben a pair of sunglasses and putting on a pair of his own.

"Gentlemen! Twenty seconds until we get to see the rocket's red glare! Fall back!" General Idea shouted as the LPGB blew the cover off a vent and began retreating.

"No thanks Jared, I'll be alright, I'm used to throwing nukes around rememb-"

Ben was interrupted by the sound of 'the Fat Lady Sings' rockets firing, Shirley stood her ground as the missile hurled itself through the air.

"Don't say I didn't warn you..." Jared said, putting on his glasses and kneeling in the corner with his hands over his head.

KKAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

"GOOOD HEAVENS WHAT WAS THAT THING AND WHY HAS EVERYTHING GONE WHITE!" Ben shouted on his backside at the opposite side of the room he had been standing!

"You call that a missile! I'll show you a missile!" A furious and smoking Shirley shouted, storming into the vent after the retreating LPGB.

-

"Well, as far as I can tell Ben has been both blinded and deafened from the blast, but thankfully that will wear off after a couple of days..." Valerie said, stepping out of the medical ward.

"What about Jared?" Tash asked.

"Charis still hasn't figured a way to get him out of the wall yet, as far as I've been able to tell from his spastic leg movements he's all right."

"Well, he better hope Charis takes her sweet time getting him out, because he is receiving more monitor duty and sue patrol than he has had since he joined up when he gets out!" Micheal remarked.

"Who said that and where am I!" Ben shouted from his bed in the corner.

"Hey guys, we have a problem!" Chloe said, coming into the room.

"We've got blond-wearing-blue-jumpsuits-identi-sues in the Army Men fandom!"

"Great, you feeling up to it Chloe?" Tash asked.

"A little too up I'm afraid, the characters in this fandom are an inch tall, if we send just any agent in they are going to do unspeakable damage to the fandom on account of being too large!"

"Well then, we have a problem... unless we have a shrink ray somewhere around here." Micheal responded.

"Well, there is a group in this Library that might be up to the job..." Chloe suggested.

"Who are you talking about, none of our agents are..." realization suddenly dawned on Tash's face.

"You aren't seriously suggesting... not after all the damage..."

"They have the best chance of getting the Sue you have to admit." Micheal chipped in.

-

"Gentlemen! I've just received orders from President Wasson, we are shipping out and opening up a new front in the Army Men fandom!" General Idea announced in front of the gathering of LPGB soldiers, minus those injured by Shirley occupying the med ward at the back of the lab. "Are their any questions?"

"What are the rules of engagement sir!" Asked one of the soldiers.

"We are to storm the enemy facility, wipe out all the sue-energy constructs and take the big bad as a POW before returning to base, green soldiers are friendly. All others are hostile. Now move out!"

-

A dozen miniaturized Sue Constructs began pacing the base that was serving as Tan forward command on the maple street, since the sues arrival they had been able to launch multiple successful offenses against the green army, forcing the miniture soldiers farther and farther down the street. At the rate the army was progressing, they were expecting a surrender within the week.

"Number 33 and 1/3, we have a problem!" said one of the constructs.

"Yes Number 24 over 2?" responded the constructs.

"We have multiple plotholes opening behind Green enemy lines, it appears the society is on to us."

"That isn't possible! They don't have any agents that can function in this fandom!" The Sue objected.

"They aren't sending any agents! It's the LPGB!"

"That isn't good, there weaponry could give the Green the edge they need to start winning this war, activate the Sue Storm device! Let's see if we can't attract some kind of assistance!"

-

LPGB Cobras and Apaches began pouring out of plotholes, souring over the ranks of the Green army, it wasn't long before their radio started receiving transmissions.

"Unidentified aircraft! State your intentions!" Crackled over the loud speaker.

"This is General Idea of the Little Plastic Green Beret, we have been authorized to provide air support for your men! Please allow us to pass through your air space."

"Access granted, you have my permission to use any of the resources of the green army to reduce the Tans back to puddles of molton goop!"

"Sir, we are approaching No Man's Land!" Announced the pilot.

General Idea picked the radio back up.

"All hands, arm all weapons, we are penetrating the enemy's defenses and going for their forward command post! Now Industry, get on that MK-19!"

Author's note: An MK-19 is a type of mounted grenade launcher.

"Tan AA batteries on top of the parked car!" Shouted the pilot, maneuvering just in time to avoid the anti aircraft fire, but the helicopter behind them was not so lucky.

"The Blackhawk is hit! I repeat, we have a Blackhawk down!" Industry declared.

General Idea shuddered, "Let's all be thankful Shirley isn't here..." He said solemnly as the Cobra's Gatling gun began shredding apart the Tan AA operators plastic bodies.

-

Tan soldiers began converging on the wreckage of the Blackhawk helicopter, Major Idea and Commander Follower began digging their way out of the wreckage, Major Detail felt around for ammo for his M-16, Follower had to make due with his pump action SPAS-12.

"This is Blackhawk 5, we have been shot down behind enemy lines, pilot and two infantry men are dead, we have hostile closing in on our position, please advise!" Follower spoke into his radio.

"This is General Idea, it is too hot for us to land in your position, we will not be able to extract you, your best option is to gather what you can and head back towards Green territory..."

"Roger, we will keep in touch, over and out..."

-

"Enemy tank! Evasive maneuvers!" General Idea shouted, grabbing the controls from the pilot and pulling up aggressively.

Outside the helicopter, an artillery shell from the Tan tank whizzed by the chopper, narrowly avoiding the fuselage.

"Industry!" Idea shouted, as the pilot fought to keep the helicopter under control.

"I got him!" Industry said before opening fire on the tank with the MK 19.

"Pilot! Set down by that barbecue grill, we'll proceed on foot from here!" Idea ordered.

"Aye sir!" The pilot replied, throwing the helicopter into a tailspin.

"Hang on, it's gonna be a rough landing!" Colonel O'Korn called out over the sound of stray bullets hitting the chopper.

-

"Адмирал! Мы обнаружения уникальных чтении энергии в "Army Men" франшиза!" The leader of the Little Plastic Spetsnaz called out.

"I don't see how unique lawn chairs in the Army Man fandom concern us in any way..." Deraj muttered with his nose in a copy of a Russian for Dummies book.

"No sir, what I meant to say was that we have detected the Sue Storm device." The leader replied.

"Well then what are you waiting for, get your men ready and deploy immediately!" Deraj said, pouring a large container of molten red plastic into molds containing motor servers and indo-skeletons.

"Right away sir! Все докладе Спецназ на службу! Мы движемся в течение часа!" The leader shouted to his subordinates.

-

"How Much farther to Green lines?" Follower asked, reloading his SPAS 12 behind the right front tire of a parked car.

"About one block, we might be able to make it if we stay near the curb..." Major Detail whispered, watching a battalion of Tan try to cross No Man's land, only to be obliterated by a Green MG.

"C'mon, lets go!" Follower said, pumping the SPAS.

The two LPGB officers began running along the curb, when they suddenly became aware of a plothole opening up inside a storm drain.

"Commies!" Detail shouted, drawing his M-16 and firing into the storm drain.

"уничтожить капиталистов во славу матери России!" The Spetsnaz leader shouted, raising an AK-47 and burst firing at the two LPGBs.

Commander Follower let out a yell as the bullets tore through his leg.

"I'm hit!" He yelled, as the leg snapped off at the hip, exposing the metal support rods on the inside.

"This is Sarge, leader of the Green Army, may we be of assistance?" Came a voice from Detail's radio as the soldier dragged his injured comrade to cover.

"Absolutely!" Follower shouted, ejecting a round from his SPAS and loading an unusual looking shell.

"What's that? It doesn't look like standard issue?" Detail asked.

Follower pulled the trigger, a burst of flame shot out of the end of the barrel of the gun, colliding with and melting a group of Spetsnaz unfortunate enough to have pursued the LPGB around the car they were taking shelter behind.

"That's because the Admiral didn't design it and doesn't know about it, it's called the Dragon's Breath. It's a special type of shotgun round that can allows the gun to function as a short range flamethrower. I had the engineers at the Anti-Shirley Glue Trooper division headquarters work it up..." Follower said, "But it's too dangerous to use continuously, it can warp the barrel of the gun after extended use, and a couple of our test subjects held the gun too close and melted from the excess heat." He concluded just as the stream of flame began to wane.

"You shouldn't have done that..." A deformed, partially melted LPS soldier on the edge of the burst said as he limped towards the group.

Detail raised his M-16 and pulled the trigger, he was answered with a dull click.

"Dang, I'm out of ammo!"

"My guns too hot, I can't risk another dragon's breath!" Follower shouted, fumbling for a pistol as the soldier raised his AK-47.

That's when a wild RPG shell exploded, blowing the soldier into a multitude of plastic bits.

"It's the Green army!" Follower shouted, helping himself to an LPS AK-47 while tossing Detail the SPAS 12.

-

"Incoming Spetsnaz forces!" General Idea shouted, picking up a Dragnov sniper rifle from the Cobra's gun rack as the Red soldiers began pouring out of plotholes around the hibachi.

"RPG!" Industry warned, as a rocket shot over the top of the cobra.

"I believe the B1 Bomber stationed at the Green airstrip is in a position to be of assistance, may I give the order to begin fueling?" Colonel O'Korn asked.

"By all means, we are grossly out numbered." Idea shouted, firing his Dragnov with reckless abandon into the swarm of Spetsnaz, not even bothering to use the scope. "And while your making phone calls, tell the pilot to refire the engines! We're getting out of hear while we still can!"

"Tank coming up the street!" Private Industry shouted, right before a rocket fire blew the Cobra in half.

"O'Korn! Get some C4 on the front stands on the grill, we need more cover! I'll send up a smokescreen!" General Idea shouted, tossing a smoke grenade.

Colonel O'Korn dashed over to the first leg of the grill, placed the charge and began running towards the second, only to be confronted by a Spetsnaz soldier that had wandered through the smoke.

"They don't call it plastic explosive for nothing!" O'Korn said, assaulting the LPS in the face with the butt of his rifle and attaching the charge to his chest.

O'Korn delivered a final kick which caused the Spetsnaz to fall next to the other stand on the grill.

"Kaboom!" O'Korn said, detonating the charges, the legs of the grill were blown off and with no support on the front the whole structure fell into the ranks of the LPS, crushing the ones leading the charge and spilling hot charcoal and burnt hamburgers into the rear.

-

The Green Armies advance was swift and brutal, Cutting through tan and Spetsnaz alike, enforced with the advanced weapons and training of the LPGB Anti-Shirley Shock Troopers that had been held in reserve until the final push into tan lines.

"Keep it up men, at this rate we'll be knocking on General Plastro's door in no time!" Sarge yelled.

"Ye-haw! Keep it up men, let's show this Tannies how we do it in the LPGB!" Major Pain of the Anti-Shirley Special Engagement Tropper division shouted, firing his minigun into the ranks of the Tan. The gun was designed for attaching large amounts of glue to a tree foot stick, as such the glue rounds went straight through the tan foot soldiers and attached plastic bits to the soldiers behind them.

"Those A.S.S.E.T. guys really freak me out sometimes..." Major Detail whispered to Commander Follower as he reloaded his SPAS 12.

"You'd be a little crazy too if your sole reason to live is to hunt murderous sticks of wood which you have little hope of ever overcoming..." Follower answered.

The army advanced like a tsunami, crushing every defense in it's wake.

"This is way too easy... weren't the Green's close to defeat when we got here?" Detail asked.

"Hey you're right, somethings not right..."

-

Idea, Industry, and O'Korn fired around the cover that the grill provided, finding it harder and harder to remain active as the Spetsnaz grew closer and closer.

"I can't get through to the bomber pilot, he's not answering his radio!"

"I ordered him to be standing by for immediate deployment! Why is he not at his post!" Idea ranted, as a stray bullet ripped his helmet off, "We need air support right now!"

"General Idea, this is Cobra 2-7 of the Green Army, we are reading you loud and clear, stand bye for extraction!"

"Thank goodness, it was getting a little too hot for us!"

-

Detail looked around, the Tan compound was now insight, but both he, Follower and Pain were feeling very uneasy about the ease of the attack.

Major Pain looked around, his keen eyes scanning the field of battle, he noticed almost every Green soldier was wielding an AK-47, which was quite unusual, then it hit him.

He and several members of the A.S.S.E.T. ran up to Follower and Detail and made a hurried whisper.

"What did the Nazis do at the Battle of the Bulge..."

Both LPGB officers sat bolt upright, raising there weapons.

"Ну, шевелитесь! Садись! Мы послали четкий сигнал с этим нападением, Макаров..." One of Sarge's supposed aids whispered.

"Это сообщение не ..." Sarge's impostor said, pulling out an M9 and firing into the back of the nearest A.S.S.E.T.'s head.

"Теперь это сообщение!"

The remaining A.S.S.E.T.s opened fire with their miniguns as Detail and Follower dove for cover.

"Idea! The Green Army are Spetsnaz in disguise! Do not trust them!" Detail shouted into his radio, only to get static in return as General Idea climbed up the landing ramp of the stolen Green helicopter 2 blocks away.

"Dang it! What can we do now!" Detail shouted over the sound of the A.S.S.E.T.'s miniguns.

"Call the Anti-Shirley Experimental Weapon Research and Design Station. They've got to deploy the Weapon if we are going to win this battle!"

"Are you crazy! That thing hasn't been field tested yet, and if we use it then we won't have another to use on Shirley!"

"Well, if we get gunned down by Commies, we won't have another one of us to use on Shirley either soldier. So are you gonna make that call or am I gonna have to come over their and rip that radio out of yours hands!"

"Very well, This is Major Detail calling the Anti-Shirley Experimental Weapon Research and Design Station, prepare the Weapon of Minute Destruction!"

-

Somewhere in a bunker far below a nondescript bookshelf in an undisclosed room in the Library, an LPGB telegraph officer sat in a dimly lit corner office as the telegraph machine punched out a coded message, the officer picked up the message and carried it over to his secretary, who then took it over to the translation department for decoding. The secretary their then took it over to the authentication department for confirmation, and that secretary took it to the secretary of the command station in the second floor of the bunker, who brought it in to the commanding officer, General Incharge.

"Are you sure this is accurate?" Incharge asked the secretary.

"Yes it is, we verified the fandom, coordinates and command codes twice before we did it again for third time," said the secretary.

"Very well, it was difficult to say the least to collect enough uranium to construct the mini-warhead, and I was hoping to use it on Shirley. But if we must use it, we will mobilize immediately!'

-

Alarms and flashing lights began going off from the first floor of the bunker as the motors beneath the bookshelf began to slowly slide the bookcase aside, revealing the entrance to the bunker.

It was unfortunate for Tyler that he chose that moment to enter the room, as mounted turrets hidden between books began firing on him.

"Ow! Ow! What gives? I was just heading for monitor duty! OW OW!" He shouted.

"You are entering restricted airspace! Leave immediately or we will be forced to fire surface to air missiles!" A voice over a loudspeaker demanded.

"Fine! I'll go through the science hall!" Tyler said, retreating from the barrage of friendly fire.

Once the Station believed that the coast was clear, the bookshelf resumed moving until the bunker was fully exposed.

The entrance began widening, exposing a B12 bomber on a runway, the aircraft began lifting off, until it faded away through a plothole. Once it was gone the bunker sealed up and the bookshelf began to move back into place.

-

"What is the command codes to deactivate the American Forces!" Deraj's favorite officer said, slapping General Idea across the face from where he was tied up at the back of the chopper.

"I'll never talk! You'll pay dearly for every LPGB and A.S.S.E.T. soldier you and your men have killed today soldier!" Idea shouted, attempting to spit in the Spetsnaz's face, which proved impossible without salivary glands.

"Well... we have ways of making you talk," said the soldier.

"You are aware that we LPGB can't feel pain right? The Admiral never designed pain receptors for us." Idea said flatly.

"That... complicates things to say the least, but never the less you'll give us the information."

"Actually, I no longer have the information... my computer brain automatically deleted all important information on my capture, you're really wasting your time."

"Very well... I suppose there's nothing to do but just kill the three of you," he said, drawing a Desert Eagle.

"Sir... there's something you need to see..." The pilot said in Russian.

"Not now!" The officer replied.

"Sir, it can't wait!" He shouted as the LPGB B12 tore past the chopper.

Idea smiled.

"Kaboom!" Follower shouted, as a mushroom cloud rose steadily upward from down the street, then the helicopter started spinning out of control as the concussion struck the craft.

-

"Did we get em?" a partially melted Major Detail crocked, crawling out of the sewer grate.

"I think so... and I think we've destroyed the Tan compound as well," said Follower.

"Yee-haw! Do you folks realize the three of us just went a nucular explosion and came out in one piece!" Pain shouted, slapping Detail on the shoulder, which had the unintended effect of removing his arm. "Sorry Detail-io, I'm sure the Admiral can fix up a nice new body for you when we get back!"

"I could sure use a new leg..." Follower commented, limping on his metal framework, then his eyes spotted a crashed green helicopter.

"The General!" Detail shouted.

The injured Detail and Follower were quickly outrun by Major Pain and the remaining and largely uninjured ASST soldiers, leaping over melted LPS infantry.

Pain got to the chopper and wrenched the door of it's hinges, finding only the three LPGB officers.

"The cowards plothole'd out before the choppers could crash, fortunately this helicopter is covered with lead based paint. It made it the perfect helicopter for flying into a nuclear explosion..." General Idea said, as Pain and the A.S.S.E.T. untied them. "Now get that B12 back here, we need it's plothole generator to get back to base..."

"And I thought we only had to worry about Ben and Doug nuking fandoms..." Tash sighed, using a magnifying glass to read General Idea's very tiny print.

"How big was the explosion anyway?" Jared asked.

"It could have leveled an entire room of the Library... you need to do a better job at policing the weapons they design without your knowledge..."

"What about the sues?" Chloe asked.

"Presumably killed in the explosion, although as simple constructs they weren't really alive to begin with," Charis said, pouring over monitor logs.

"Well, if that's all you need me for, I have to go..." Jared said, getting up.

"What for?" Chloe asked.

"Didn't you hear? Private Industry is getting promoted..."

-

"And for your outstanding performance, I hear by bestow upon you the rank of Major," General Idea said, handing the now Major Industry a ceremonial saber.

Idea then brought the promotion paperwork over to Jared for signing, which he did to make it all official.

"That concludes today's ceremony, dismissed!" Idea said, as the LPGB went back to their previous assignments.

-

"So was the experiment a success?" Asked a shadowy figure.

"Yes, the sue storm device was enough to defeat the protagonists of the series. Victory would have been complete had the LPGB not intervened... All in all a successful test." Said a blond sue construct.

"Very well, we will proceed with the final stage of the plan..." Said the shadowy figure.