Insert Dandy-Talking Kendama Here

Thirty had entered.

One passed out when the Fourth Wall broke and made a ceiling light crash down on his head.

Four passed out when they saw that happen.

Two had passed out during the opening speech, delivered by Michael. One ran away screaming and hasn't been seen since.

Six had passed out when they saw Phoenixia come in to haul out the bodies of the unconscious hopefuls.

(Two of them were faking it)

Three bit the dust when they saw the tests.

Of the remaining thirteen, one was a Mary Sue infiltrator, one was a lost Viking who had no idea what was going on or how he had gotten there, and one was staring off into space.

After fifteen minutes of writing in impeccable handwriting, the Sue turned in her paper with a dazzling smile, her teeth so white they could have been used as mirrors. Michael took one look at her, took her paper, and directed her to walk through the door on the left. She did so, and was met with several waiting Agents on the other side. She now has a nice cell in the Basement.

At varying intervals during the test, hopefuls turned in their papers to Michael, and were either directed to go through the door on the left or the right. It didn't really matter which one they went through; they both led to the same place, and would have their memories wiped by Tash, who was waiting on the other side with orders to wipe whoever walked through the doors. The only way to keep her from doing that was a button hidden under Michael's desk.

At the forty five minute mark, the distracted hopeful was jolted out of his daydream when the Fourth Wall broke again. His attention span was nothing to write home about, and it was even worse during tests. A quick glance at the clock on the wall behind Michael told him that there were only fifteen minutes left in the exam, and he quickly took out his pencil, ready to go through the test as fast as he could.

After rapidly jotting down his answers, he brought his paper up to Michael. He was the last person taking the test, excluding the Viking

"I'm done," He said, holding out his paper with his hands only slightly shaking. Michael took it from him, looked over it for a minute, and pointed a thumb towards the door on the left. The Rookie, with his heart beating in his chest, opened the door and walked out, prepared for the worst.

What he was not prepared for was Tash, sitting in a foldout lawn chair and reading a book, obviously unaware of his presence.

"…Hello?" he said, trying to get her attention. He wasn't sure if she was there to mind wipe him or welcome him to the Society, but he sincerely hoped that the latter option was correct. Tash looked up, glanced at her Communicator to see that she had received the signal from Michael, marked her place in the book, and set it aside, standing up to greet the Rookie.

"I can assume you're not a Stu?" she guessed.

"Last time I checked, my name was Stephen, not Stu," He responded with a slight grin. Tash grimaced as a screech reverberated through the Library.

"WHO SAID THAT!" it screamed, sending shivers down the spines of everyone hearing it, and sending Ben and Dave cowering under the nearest piece of furniture. A second later, Shirley the Cliché Stick rounded the corner to the hallway outside the testing room, murder in her… eyes? Does she have eyes? Anyway, the stick was looking positively murderous. When the stick saw the Rookie who had told that horrible joke, she started rubbing her claws together evilly.

…I just felt so silly writing that sentence.

"Fresh meat, huh? Looks like the Rookie is about to get a mandatory appendectomy…" She plotted, taking slow, imposing steps forward. Stephen quickly stepped behind Tash for some manner of protection.

"Easy, Shirley. You know the rules: New kids get immunity for one hour after passing the entrance exam," Tash reminded the angry piece of wood. The rule in question had been created soon after Dave had joined, and the Cliché Stick had removed one of his kidneys not even five minutes after he left the testing room.

"I passed?" Stephen repeated, his eyes lighting up, quickly forgetting that a second ago, his life had been in mortal danger. Tash gave him a thumbs up as Shirley skulked off, grumbling something about the Rookie's kidneys. Michael stuck his head out of the testing room, as loud battle cries and sounds of things breaking came from behind him.

"Aneki, there's a very upset Viking in here going berserk. Can you give me a hand?" He requested, wincing at the sound of a table breaking.

"Sorry, can't help. Gotta get this Rookie, uh… What did you say your name was?"

"Stephen."

"Stephen, thanks, out on a mission. Just get the big guy into the Norse history section and I'll deal with him later. And DON'T let Jess see him. I don't want to have to drag a Viking out of the Den of Sin."

"Got it. Good luck, kid. Try not to space out!" Michael called out before returning to the angry Viking.

"Now then. Walk with me; we've got a mission all lined up for you and ready to go. Do you know anything about the Märchen Awakens Romance fandom?" Tash asked Stephen, motioning for him to follow her. He quickly started beaming as he fell into step behind her.

"Do I know it? That was one of the first anime I ever watched! Something I've never really gotten around to finish watching! My first venture into the land of fanfic!" He admitted.

"Care to give me the basic background?"

"Okay, let me think. It follows the adventures of Toramizu Ginta in a world called Mär Heaven, with a lot of references to old fairy tales. There's Jack and the Beanstalk, Snow White, The Wizard of Oz, et cetera. The weapons in the fandom are called Ärm, which are accessories that can turn into weapons, monsters, and other things with different effects. The main antagonists are called the Chess Pieces, who hold a series of fights called the War Games to take over the world. Ginta's weapon is –"

"Okay, okay, I'm glad you know it. There's a Level Two Stu there; you know what to do?"

"Track it, whack it, clack it, right?"

"'Clack' it?"

"Yeah. Clack a Prohibitor on it. I couldn't think of anything that would fit that ended in -ack."

"O…kay. Anyway, Charis has all your equipment and can also give you a weapon if you need one. Have anything in mind?" Tash asked him, still confused about his word choice. A grin formed across the Rookie's face.

"Well, there's something I've always wanted to do…"

-

In the Mär fandom…

For the first time in ages, Mär Heaven was peaceful. The Chess Pieces had all been annihilated, all due to the actions of one man from another world.

Absicus Musclus Lithicus Hotticus Sexyicus Oldspice-icus had literally fallen into Mär Heaven, summoned by the Gatekeeper Clown that any fan would know should have brought in Toramizu Ginta. Practically the second that his muscular, limber body touched the ground, things started to get better. Absicus entered the War Games on his own, telling the world's peacekeepers, and the enemy of the Chess Pieces, the Cross Guard, that he could easily take out the entirety of the Chess with his bare hands, and look damn good doing it. Nobody questioned him.

True to his word, Absicus was able to win the War Games, putting the Chess Pieces, as he had eloquently put it, in checkmate. Soon after, all of Mär Heaven made him their king, and his first action was to rename the land Märtopia.

By this time, the author who'd written this little gem had gotten bored, and all of the readers had reached for a large bottle of Brain Bleach.

-

On the outskirts of the King's Vacation Castle…

A plothole ripped open, creating a tear in the very fabric of the fandom, which Stephen stumbled out of, hunched forward to bear the weight of the enormous sword strapped to his back. How big was it? Let's put it this way: Most Final Fantasy characters would be very jealous. As soon as Stephen's feet touched the ground, his back straightened up, as if the sword had become lighter.

"Thank you, weaker gravity of Mär Heaven," Stephen said to himself as he started stretching out his legs. The sword hadn't gotten any lighter, but he had gotten stronger; people from other worlds were exponentially stronger in Mär Heaven than they had been in their own worlds. With his warm up completed, Stephen made his way towards the castle that Absicus had built for himself out of solid gold.

The town around the castle was fairly crowded, and Stephen stood out from the crowd due to his clothing: a faded orange wide brimmed hat with a black stripe where the brim met the bowl of the hat, a deep blue t-shirt, and a pair of cargo shorts that currently held his Society Gadgets.

"Sorry, sorry… Oh, sorry… Don't worry, that'll wash out…" Stephen apologized as he moved through the crowd in the market place, occasionally bumping against random passerby. Heading towards him through the crowd was a man wearing a black cloak that covered his features. Stephen didn't see the cloaked man until he bumped into him.

"Sorry 'bout that!" Stephen apologized, continuing on his way to the castle. The man looked back at him, and then looked down at the Plothole Generator he had slipped out of Stephen's pocket. The man smirked, tucked the device in the folds of his cloak, and vanished.

-

Later…

"Who goes there!" A guard called down from the other side of the moat surrounding the castle. Absicus had dug it himself using a toothpick.

"I'm the plumber you guys called. You said something about a backed up chamber pot, I believe," Stephen answered, praying the guard would be an idiot.

"Nice try. We don't even have chamber pots anymore! His Highness made a plumbing system out of cardboard!"

"I'm the… mailman?"

"You just said you were a plumber."

"It's a hobby."

"Well, the mailman just came."

"Pizza delivery?"

"Where's the pizza?"

"Crap. Oh, man, I was afraid I'd have to do this…"

"What was that?"

"I'm here on business from the King. Highly confidential. I have the papers to prove it, if you'd let the drawbridge down so I could show you."

"Hmmm… Fine. Lowering drawbridge!" The guard called, as the large wooden bridge dropped down. Stephen crossed it, pulling out a piece of paper as he did.

"Thank you very much. Here're my papers…" He said, holding out the folded paper to the guard. The guard took it, unfolded it, and looked at it, confused.

"Wait… This is bla-" The guard said, before a fist punched through the paper and knocked him out cold. Stephen knelt down next to his unconscious body.

"Look, I'm really, really sorry about that, but I didn't have much of a choice. If it's any consolation, by the time you wake up, you won't remember a thing, and you won't know why you were tied up with your uniform gone. Really, really sorry."

-

Meanwhile… Library Monitor Room…

"Oh, he got that trick from Indiana Jones."

"It's still effective."

"I bet five bucks that he puts the guy in a broom closet."

"I'll see your five bucks and raise you a cleaning shift, Ben."

"Drake, I'm already taking everyone's cleaning shift, remember?"

"Quiet, you two! Jess, pass the popcorn… Jess?" Tash repeated. The majority of the Society that wasn't on a mission or busy was in the Monitor Room, watching the Rookie's mission. The Library had expanded the room so everyone could fit, and had even supplied theater-style chairs.

"Kyaa, I think I saw her go into her room with some bearded guy with a funny hat," The Society's resident idiotic Fae told the Librarian. She groaned.

"Oh, bollocks. Michael, I thought you put him in the Norse history section!"

"I did! Jess didn't see me!" Michael defended himself.

"Did anybody else see you?"

"I ran into Phoenixia…"

Tash and Michael both looked at the ex-hologram, who was whistling innocently.

-

Meanwhile…

With his newly acquired disguise, Stephen was able to make it to the Throne Room unhindered. He changed out of his disguise before entering the room, returning to his usual clothes. He pushed open the door and entered the throne room.

Absicus Musclus Lithicus Hotticus Sexyicus Oldspice-icus was lounging in his throne, being fed grapes by a beautiful pink haired witch in a black dress. He didn't even look up as Stephen entered.

"Shut the door, would you?" He asked, waving a hand dismissively.

"Absicus Musclus Lithicus Hotticus Oldspice-icus…"

"Absicus Musclus Lithicus Hotticus Sexyicus Oldspice-icus."

"Whatever…icus. You are hereby under arrest for a count of major fandom manipulation, having a stupid name, and…" Stephen noticed the woman dangling a bunch of grapes over the Stu's mouth. He paled.

"Is that Dorothy? NOW you've pissed me off!" Stephen screamed, steam shooting out of his ears. Absicus turned his head to take a look at Stephen, and both parties froze.

"…Oh God. It's you," Stephen groaned. If you removed the broad jaw, the wide shoulders, the perfect waviness in his dirty blonde hair, the seven feet of pure muscle, the flawless ivory skin, the bronze tan, and the previous contradiction, the Stu would look just like Stephen. It was the main character from his first fanfic, set in this fandom. Stephen couldn't put his finger on it, but something just seemed off…

"My, my, my. I never thought that you'd come far enough out of your comfort zone to find me. Hello, author," Absicus spat, swinging his legs out and standing up to his full seven feet of lean muscle.

"Y-y-you can't be from that story! The character that I wrote about was more like me, not Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

"I went on a workout program. It would do you a world of good, you know…"

"Hey, shut up."

"Doro-chan, could you leave us for a few minutes? I'll make up for it later…" Absicus promised suggestively to the woman at his side, completely ignoring his former author now. Without a word, a blushing Dorothy left the room. Stephen and Absicus were left all alone. Absicus ripped off his shirt, showing his sculpted, tanned body. Stephen retched.

"Will you put your shirt back on?" Stephen grumbled. Absicus responded by flexing.

"Look at this beautiful body! Why should I cover it with a shirt!"

"Did I seriously write you?" Stephen asked himself, grasping the hilt of his sword and pulling it off his back, dropping into a ready stance. In an instant, Absicus was in front of his creator, smacking the weapon out of his hands. The sword embedded itself in the ceiling above.

"Oh shi–" Was as far as Stephen got before receiving a large knuckle sandwich to the face. Stephen reeled backwards as Absicus continued to attack.

"Do you remember sixth grade, author? Back when you wrote the emblem of perfection that is beating the crap out of you right now? Your own friends were ignoring you, finding better friends, as you retreated into your shell, blocking out the entire world by burying your face in a book. Is that still what it's like? ARE YOU STILL A COWARD?" Absicus screamed, punctuating his final shout with a shattering punch, knocking Stephen into the wall, his wide brimmed orange hat covering his face.

"You weren't able to make your own world to retreat to, so you cowered in somebody else's! You were weak! You still are!" He continued to shout, grasping Stephen's throat and starting to squeeze.

Stephen's hand shot out and grabbed Absicus' wrist like a vice. The Stu's eyes widened in surprise.

"I can't believe I wrote you… A muscle-bound idiot…" Stephen looked up and shot his enemy a deadly glare, his left eye blackened and blood dripping out of his mouth from a split lip, "That can't even throw a good punch!" With his free hand, he pinched Absicus in the part of the elbow where the funny bone resides, causing the Stu to drop him. Free from his captive, Stephen started going on the offensive, with Absicus doing his best to block the Rookie's punches.

"There's one difference between you and me! When I wrote you, I was a shy, scared, and lonely kid! I felt like I could relate to Ginta, so I wrote something off the top of my head, and you came out! But it's been almost five years since I wrote that, and I've grown up! I reconciled with my friends, started opening up, started actually writing better!" Stephen proclaimed, continuing to punch at the Stu's every opening with no effect other than hurting his own hands on Absicus' rock hard muscles. Absicus jumped away, gaining some distance between himself and the rookie Agent.

"You were one of the lowest points of my writing career. Now, I'm going to fix that mistake!" Stephen swore, charging at Absicus. With a battle cry, Absicus ran at him as well, his arm pulled back for a punch.

The punch moved the air around it, creating a wind that ruffled every banner in the room. Much to Absicus' surprise, Stephen wasn't hit. He had moved out of the way before the punch had even been thrown, and aimed a low kick at the side of Absicus' knee, not shattering it, but making it so it wouldn't be moving easily for a while, and sending the Stu reeling, screaming in pain.

"You may be stronger and faster than me, but I have a few more years of experience in martial arts under my belt, and a few more belts…"

-

In the Library Monitor Room…

"I swear, when that kid gets back…"

"Shirley, he's still got half an hour of immunity."

Shirley growled.

-

"…Than you do. I must've been a yellow belt back when I wrote you," Stephen finished. Absicus growled and started opening up a plothole.

"As much as I'd love to finish this fight, creator, I don't quite feel like wasting my time with you. But I will kill you the next time we meet," Absicus swore, limping towards the open plothole.

"There won't be a next time," The open plothole said. A man in a dark cloak stepped out of the plothole, a sheathed katana at his side.

'Wha–?" Absicus started, but was literally cut short when the stranger unsheathed the sword and cut him in two without even breaking pace. By the time the dark blade was returned to its black sheath rimmed with silver, Absicus' body had faded away into nothingness. The plothole closed behind the stranger.

"Now that that pathetic clone is out of the way…" The man said as he threw back his hood. Stephen's one good eye widened before his face turned steely.

"…I thought he seemed off. You're the main character from that fanfic, aren't you?" Stephen asked, even though he already knew the answer. Standing before him was a perfect copy of himself, except with sunken in eyes that showed utter hatred for the world.

"Correct. That was just a low quality fake that I created to test your strength, creator. And I must say, if that was the best you could do…" The newcomer vanished, and reappeared in front of Stephen, his sword lightly touching the Rookie's neck.

"You don't stand a ghost of a chance against a real enemy," He said, then blurred in the air, reappearing ten feet away.

"…Why didn't you kill me?" Stephen asked, feeling a slow trickle of hot blood from his neck. The Stu smiled.

"What fun would that be if I just killed you right now? I want some challenge, creator," He said, sheathing his sword, "And, I wanted to ask you something…"

"What is it?"

"What. Is. My. Name," The Stu asked, burning hatred in his eyes. Stephen started fishing in his pockets for his Plothole Generator, sensing that he couldn't fight against this opponent.

"Looking for this?" The Stu asked, pulling the Plothole Generator out of the folds of his cloak and crushing it in his hands. Stephen groaned.

"Yes. Why, yes, I was looking for that. Thanks so much," He said sarcastically.

"Now tell me what my name is," The Stu ordered.

"I don't know what your name is. I wrote you years ago," Stephen admitted, thinking furiously about how to escape. He had no idea what the power level of Nameless was, but he didn't think that he would be able to fight him in his current state.

"I thought so. In that case, I guess I'm still Nameless," The Stu said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. "Oh, well. You have thirty seconds, creator."

"Thirty seconds? For what?"

"To escape. If you can't find a way to get out of this mess in that time, I'll kill you without a second thought," Nameless answered, grasping the katana's hilt. Stephen gulped, and started fishing through his pockets for something that could help him get out. Two Copyrights… No good. The Prohibitor… He didn't feel like getting in range of that sword. A Scene Transition…

Perfect. All he needed was the perfect chance to use it.

"Five. Four. Three. Two. One…" Nameless said, dramatically pulling his sword out, creating a soft sound of metal on metal. Just before he hit zero, Stephen pulled the gold watch out of his pocket.

"See ya later," He said, and clicked the button.

-

Scene Transition = Win…

When the Transition faded, Stephen found himself standing in a cavernous room filled with gold, jewels, and silver trinkets that he recognized as Ärm. The Scene Transition filled him in on what had happened, telling him that Nameless had stepped on a conveniently located switch on the ground, that had opened an even more conveniently located trapdoor under Stephen's feet that led to the Treasury.

"Now then, if I'm really lucky…" Stephen said to himself as he started digging through the nearest pile of silver Ärm. Absicus had collected an impressive collection of rare Ärm, but Stephen paid no attention to the various powerful weapons, guardians, and other useful items. He was looking for a copy of the one ultra rare Ärm that could get Stephen out of this fandom and back into the Library. After several minutes of digging and trying to ignore the gleaming piles of gold and jewels (It was a miracle that his ADD hadn't made him start swimming in the mounds of shiny objects), Stephen found what he was looking for. It was a small ring, with a tiny doorway with two chains covering it, with a circular face with a long tongue and two crosses for eyes in a hood over it. Grinning, Stephen slipped it on his finger and smuggled the pinky of his other hand under the two chains.

The Ärm he had found was the Gatekeeper Clown, one of the rarest Ärms in the fandom. It was able to open a gateway to other worlds, and was the very same Ärm that had brought Ginta to Mär Heaven from the real world. If Stephen was lucky, it would be able to open a gateway to other fandoms as well, such as one where the Society would be able to find him.

"Man, I hope this works…" he prayed, and pulled, snapping the small chains and causing a circle of light to surround him.

-

In the Library…

"Where'd he just go? Rhia, can you detect his Communicator signal?" Tash asked. The Society had just lost sight of Stephen after he used his Scene Transition, and his Communicator signal had disappeared from the fandom. Rhia, who was officially on Monitor Duty, started tapping some keys on the keyboard in front of the screen. After a moment, she looked back up, a mixture of relief and fright on her face.

"Well, I've got good news and bad news…" She said.

"Bad news first!" Tyler called out. Rhia shook her head.

"Sorry, good news first. The good news is that his signal has disappeared from the fandom and has appeared in another one," She said. The assembled agents let out a sigh of relief.

"So what's the bad news?" Michael asked. Rhia bit her lip.

"Well, that would be which fandom it's appeared in…"

-

Later…

A plothole opened up in the Monitor Room, which Drake and Michael stepped out of, supporting a barely conscious Stephen. They gently set him down on the ground as Valerie rushed up with a first aid kit and started checking his vital signs.

"Is he okay?" Tash asked Michael. He nodded solemnly.

"He's a little shaken up, and we found him surrounded by 'vampires', but he'll probably be okay. It's just the usual exposure to the Twilight fandom," Michael said. Sure enough, Stephen was showing signs of the exposure. His skin was sparkling very softly, hardly enough to recognize, and his face seemed to be completely devoid of all emotion.

"Poor guy… Why'd he send himself there?" Tash wondered. Usually, Agents only went into the Twilight fandom if they were forced to. Michael shrugged.

"He probably thought that we wouldn't help him when he was still in Mär, so he sent himself to a fandom that he knew we couldn't resist rescuing him from," Michael guessed. Tash lifted an eyebrow in confusion.

"…Even though we were just about to go help him?"

"Hey, he didn't know that."

-

Later…

Stephen was sitting up in his bed in the Medical Wing, surrounded by Tash, Michael, and Valerie, and was currently being given a checkup by the latter. His skin had lost most of its sparkle, and he was now able to show slight emotion, but not much. Valerie removed her stethoscope from his chest and draped it over her neck.

"He'll be fine, I think. The effects should wear off in a little while, but in the meantime, I'm going to be giving him a constant infusion of decent vampires. I'll need an audio book version of Dracula, every Castlevania game we can find, and a whole lot of Count Chocula," Valerie noted, scribbling down Stephen's prescription on a clipboard.

"That's good. In the meantime, I believe this belongs to you," Tash said, holding out a badge bearing the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society's emblem on it: a crossed quill and rapier. Stephen took the badge and tucked it away, his face hardly showing any emotion.

"I'm happy. Really, I am. I just feel too chagrined to show it," He said flatly.

"Now, would you mind telling us more about that Stu you fought?" Michael asked him. Stephen nodded slowly.

"That was the main character from one of the first pieces of fanfic that I ever wrote, set in Märchen Awakens Romance. The main protagonist, Ginta, was a lot like I was in those days, so I wrote a story that was sort of set a few years after the show ended. I wanted to make it original, but it ended up just being a character that was a lot like me doing basically everything that Ginta had done with minor variations. I only wrote about six pages before I got bored of it, though. I'd guess that Stu got out of the Vault of Abandoned Ideas somehow, and now he wants revenge. Now I have a question for you: What did the monitor say about his power levels?" Stephen asked. Michael grinned, and opened his mouth to say something, but was stopped by an elbow to the side from Tash.

"Hey, what was that for?"

"You were going to say something about it being over nine thousand, weren't you?" Tash asked him. Michael started looking sheepish.

"Was not."

"Were too."

"Was not."

"Can someone just answer my question, please?" Stephen asked, putting a stop to the childish banter between the Chief Agent and the Librarian.

"His level was around four; that's the usual level for the average mission we go on," Tash told Stephen. The new Agent clenched his fists.

"Next time he shows up, he's mine. I wrote him, and I'll put a stop to him," Stephen swore.

"Don't worry. If he ever pops up again, you'll be the first to know," Tash promised, "In the meantime, get some rest. I've got to go deal with finding a room for you."

"And I've got to go take care of the paperwork. You're very welcome," Michael added, following Tash out the door.

"And I've got to go find your prescription. Just try to get some sleep, okay?" Valerie asked him, leaving to go procure the impromptu medicine. When he was finally alone, Stephen reached for a pad of paper and a pen that was on the bedside. He started writing down a list of different fandoms, with various weapons from each on a bulleted list beneath them. Gilgamesh, the Ten Commandments sword, Zeus' Master Bolt…

He wouldn't be able to defeat Nameless with only his bare hands and martial arts skills. He'd need something else, something more powerful to help him in battle.

He'd need a weapon.

Insert Temper-Tantrum-Throwing God Here

Michael dived for cover as another explosion rocked the ground. "You can't hide from me agent!" The Stu laughed manically and continued raining fireballs down on the hiding place of the Gary-Stu Gutter.

"I just wanted to get out and clear my head." Michael muttered. "Not get roasted alive."

Then someone called from behind the Stu, "Hey, you with the face!"

The Stu, trembling with rage, turned to see a boy about sixteen years old. "My name is Vincent Peridot Crow Rabban; who the hell are you?"

"I'm Tom, archeologist." He smirked, "Always wanted to introduce myself that way. Now, en guard!"

Tom lunged at him rapier in hand, while Vincent countered with his cutlass. Their blades clashed again and again until Vincent used a hand gesture to slam Tom into a nearby wall. He held him several feet off the ground and choked him. "Well, well," he sneered, "Mr. Hero's gonna die- Ugh!" Michael had slapped a prohibitor on his wrist and smashed a sword pommel into his head.

"You saved my life." Tom said as Michael helped him to his feet.

"The way I see it you saved mine." Michael took a good look at him now. He had short brown hair, blue eyes, an adolescent mustache, the scraggly beginnings of a goatee, and a mild case of acne. He wore a battered brown hat, a long multicolored scarf, a brown trench coat, a black long-sleeved shirt, brown pants and hiking boots. "I'm Michael by the way, chief agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society."

"So it's true, you are one of them. I'm Tom, archeologist and author. And I would like to join the Society."

"You do?"

"Yes, I'm an excellent candidate. I've studied with some of the finest sword masters in the fiction worlds, and I'll face any test you give me.

"Well it's not a choice to be made lightly."

Tom looked him strait in the eyes. "I make it a point to do my homework. I know what you're facing. I also know I might die, but I've made my choice."

Michael sighed, "Fine, I'll let you take the written test. That doesn't mean you're going to get in though."

Tom was ecstatic. "I promise I won't disappoint you."

-

The testing room was full of hopefuls chattering nervously before the test started. Then a leader came in, introduced herself as Harriet, and began explaining the dangers and myriad ways of dying in the Society. Some people fainted, Tom didn't blink. He knew what he was getting into. When it was over he turned in his test with the deeply assuring feeling that came when whenever he knew he had done well. While the others sat around and compared answers he just waited.

Until Harriet came back, "Congratulations, you passed."

Tom let out the breath he'd been holding unconsciously. "But you're still not full agent until you go on your training mission. Which we should have ready in a few hours; you can hang out in the library till then."

"Thanks," he said then giving her a Joker grin, "Wait'll they get a load of me."

"I'd be careful using phrases like that. We have a cliché stick."

"What's a cliché stick?"

-

Tom burst through the door and slammed it closed behind him; then leaned on it while he caught his breath. "Holy mother of God, what is that thing!"

"I see you've met Shirley." said a girl in a slightly amused voice from across the room.

"Shirley? That's the cliché stick?"

"Yes. Now since you've burst into my lab may I ask who you are?"

"I'm Tom, archeologist and new guy." he said while walking over to shake her hand.

"I'm Charis," shaking his hand.

"I'm really sorry for interrupting you like this; I'll leave if you want." At that moment they heard the sound of glass bottles being tapped against each other out in the hallway.

"Oh Tooom, come out and plaaay."

"That's okay; you can stay here until Shirley is gone. It's not like I can do anything until this test finishes." she said gesturing at a screen behind her. "Why don't I show you some of the gadgets?"

"Sure."

"This is a prohibitor." She held up a yellow clunky bracelet. "When you put this on a Sue it drains them of their power and erases their actions in the fandom. This is a plot-hole generator, for traveling to fandoms. This is a copyright; it makes a cannon character immune to Sue powers. These are copyright darts, Doug came up with those." And the list went on. But now Tom was smiling, a plan already forming in his mind.

-

Tom was in one of the Library's lounge rooms when Michael found up him. "There you are. We have your training mission ready." Tom hopped up and followed him down a hallway. "She's a level one Sue in the Everworld fandom. Think you can handle it?"

"I know I can."

"That's the spirit. Want me to show you the way to the tech room?"

"No, I know the way."

"Alright you can read her file on the way. Good luck."

"Thanks."

-

Charis was pacing back and forth across the room, her skin crawling with impatience, when Tom got to the lab.

"Did you get it?" she cried eagerly.

"As I promised," he reached into his coat and pulled out a packet. "Jave Harron's Trans-Human Upgrade blueprints." Charis took the packet out of his hands, hugged it to her chest and squealed in fangirl delight.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she squealed again and ran off to look through the files.

"Now for your end of the bargain."

"Yes, yes, I made your gun. It's on the table over there." She pointed at the mission gear table and returned to studying the blueprints.

"Thank you kindly." He holstered his gun, strapped the equipment onto his belt, opened a plot-hole, and stepped through.

To the final battle of His Dark Materials. "Um… my bad." He opened another plot-hole and stepped through.

-

A week before, Allia Yusanna Videc had arrived in Everworld. Almost immediately she rescued David, Chris, Jalil, and April from a large force of Hetwan, (how such a massive force managed to get by the scouts and why the heroes were so far away from their troops were questions that the author was trying to cover up with an elaborate description of her raven hair and brilliant green eyes) befriended them, and became their leader. She soon confided in them that she, like Senna, was a witch who had grown up in the Chicago area abandoned by her mother until the day she had fallen through a plot-hole to Everworld. It seemed that no one had ever liked her, despite her supernatural good looks and sweet personality, and she just wanted some friends. How could our heroes say no when she asked them if she could join them?

She soon proved herself to be an excellent general, a natural leader and a skilled fighter. When she spoke, everyone listened. Mortals and gods from all around put aside their differences and joined her cause, which was what they were calling it now. Despite what Senna had done everyone trusted her, if anyone had ever speculated that she was controlling them with sorcery they have been shocked that someone could accuse her. They confided secrets in her regularly, and David had fallen head over heels in love with her. Now, just when the readers couldn't stand another sentence of this travesty, help arrived.

-

Tom stepped out of the plot-hole to a mountainside with a street of marble lined by Greek temples. "Yes, Mt. Olympus! I did it!"

"Oh look," Harriet said. (She was the only one watching the monitor) "He finally made it there."

"About time," Tash grumbled, "if he spent any longer trying to get there I was sending someone in after him."

"Give him a break Tash," said Michael. "Not everyone can master plotholes on their first try."

"Not unlike a certain founder." said Harriet with a sly grin.

"That was years ago! And you promised you wouldn't tell!"

"I was talking about Lauren."

"Oh." An awkward silence fell as everyone turned and focused on the screen.

Then Michael spoke. "I've been meaning to ask, what's with the scarf he wears?"

"Tom Baker wore it when he played the fourth Doctor." was Harriet's response.

"Oh, okay."

-

As Tom walked the streets he found that Olympus was garrisoned with an enormous army. Soldiers of all kinds were hurrying everywhere: Greek, Roman, Viking, Medieval European, elves, dwarves, fairies, even Coo-Hatch making rifles and cannons. Well, someone's been busy.

The Olympus summit was dominated by a huge dome, the home of the Olympian gods. As he tried to enter the Olympian palace he was stopped by two hoplites.

"No one is allowed inside while the war council is in session. You may put a request with a messenger if have news for the Lady Allia."

"Oh but I was told to attend the meeting. I have… an important task."

"Nonsense, I would have been told if that were true."

"Ugh, I don't have time for this. You will let me pass or I will thrash you with a shrubbery."

"You'll what?"

A small bush suddenly grew from the ground. He pulled it out and held it like a club. "I warned you." A few minuets later he entered the dome leaving two unconscious hoplites behind.

-

Allia and the others stood around a large table at the center of Zeus's throne room. Gods from dozens of cultures waited for her command to lay waste to Ka Anor's citadel. David outlined battle plans but kept looking over to Allia, asking for reassurance they would work. "We can march at a moments notice Allia." he said. "Just give the order and we'll move."

Allia then spoke to everyone in the council. "My friends, the day has come! Today we march forth and destroy the Hetwan scum. Today all of Everworld unites to drive back the aliens. Today we gain victory!"

They were cheering for Allia their savior when the sound of slow clapping was heard and a boy pushed his way to the front. "Okay, fun's over. Time to put your toys away."

"So the Society has found me at last." She saw the word on his shirt. "And they only sent a recruit. I'm insulted."

"Sorry to disappoint you. Anywho, Allia Yusanna Videc, you are under arrest for fandom manipulation, and crimes against good fiction. Are you going to come quietly?"

"Ooh, so eager to please your masters. First tell me something rookie, why do you hunt my kind? I am only trying to help this world."

"Helping this world by destroying it? And my name is Tom."

"Improving it Tom."

"All that the gods were is gone now. You've molded their personalities like putty."

"The gods were two year olds with the power to blow things up. I've saved so many lives this way."

"Are those lives you saved worth living now? Look at David. You've taken a man and turned him into… a creature, a worshiper."

"Ha, David was child's play. I almost didn't need my powers to take him. His self-hatred over failing Senna forced him to fall for me. You fools probably think I'm a level one Sue. It seems I am better than I thought. I am actually a level three Sue." Then with an evil smirk she turned to the others and said, "Oh David, come here."

The cannon characters had been standing in a dazed trance while this conversation was going on, their personalities eroding away. But now David snapped out of it and said, "What's going on Allia? Who is that guy?"

"He's come to take me away David, he fears my power. Just like Merlin and Senna, isn't that right?" The last part directed at Tom.

"Well… maybe, I guess so. But Merlin was right in the end!"

David ignored him and drew the sword of Galahad. "I won't let you touch her!" Chris and Jalil roared similar battle cries and charged him.

Oh, this is just great, he thought while he dodged their blades. My sword isn't protected against cannon weapons, just Sue weapons. Meanwhile Allia turned to the gods. "Great ones ignore him! Begin the ritual! Summon the Great Scroll so we may crush the alien blight!"

"What!"

"Now you see my true purpose. I will take the scroll and rule countless worlds!" But while Tom was distracted David struck at his head again. Tom ducked but his hat was slashed open.

"NOOOOOOOOO! My hat!" Twitching with rage he pointed at its destroyer. "No one. Touches. My hat. Loose the hounds!" Out of nowhere a pack of war dogs leapt at David, Chris, and Jalil. They tried to fight them off but were overwhelmed as the dogs tore at them viciously.

As he turned to face Allia, he was hurled against a wall and held several feet off the ground. "Now, now, we can't have you trying anything dangerous." she said while using telekinesis to remove his gun, prohibitor, and copyright. "Wait, why do you only have one?" At that moment April hit her in the back of the head with a wooden pole.

"I won't let you control me or any of my friends witch."

Tom dropped to the ground, grabbed his gun, and shot a dart into Allia's arm. She cried out as the aura of beauty around her faded and all characters looked around in confusion.

"I stuck her with a copyright as I passed." said Tom. "And this bad boy," he said while waving his gun, "is a prohibitor dart gun."

That's when all hell broke loose. The gods snapped out of their trance and realized that their mortal enemies were standing next to them. Lightning bolts, fireballs, and every attack imaginable blasted the dome apart. Through the confusion Tom saw Allia jump through a plot-hole. He barely had time to grab the remnants of his hat, open a random plot-hole and leap in.

-

"Bollocks." was all Tash could say to the explosion on the screen. She glanced over at Michael, "We should get down there now."

-

The first thing Tom noticed was that his nose was smushed into the floor. "Uhhh, she got away."

"Considering that half a fandom was blown away you should be happy with still being alive. I'm Tash, the Librarian."

"Yeah… sorry about that." he said as he stood up.

"It wasn't your fault. But I believe you've earned this." She handed him a gold badge. "Welcome to the Society."

"But I failed my mission."

"You stopped the Sue from getting her objective. That's a job well done for a rookie. Now you just need to finish the paperwork."

"Paperwork? You're joking right?"

"Not at all." She showed him his desk, sprawling with forms.

"We are a vigilante society operating out of a trans-dimensional library to hunt down overly perfect characters. Why do we need to do paperwork?"

"Because if we don't it will breed."

Tom glanced disgusted at his desk and back to Tash. "Do I even want to know?"

"No, you really don't."

Tom sighed and got to work, but his mind was elsewhere. All he could think about was his next encounter with Allia. The prohibitor gun doesn't stop her ability to use plot-holes; I'll have to ask Charis if she can fix it... I should get my sword strengthened against cannon weapons in case she tries to use them again…

She will not escape me again.

Bless The Stars On High

Rhia shook the pan that held the grilled cheese sandwich. She was gearing up for some culinary tricks, like Mario Batali in Iron Chef. Lighting food on fire and such. Today's trick was to get the sandwich in the air, flipping it side over side twice, and then over once more so that it landed on the uncooked side.
Pick the pan up… jiggle the sandwich around… 3… 2… 1… flip!

The grilled cheese sandwich flipped over itself twice, and then once again above her head, and then landed on the floor behind Rhia.

"Oops…" The self-proclaimed cook of the Library sighed. "There goes that sandwich. Again." She bent down to pick the screw-up off the floor when the bell above the kitchen door rang.

Now, Rhia had a policy. Only five people were allowed to come in here without warning beforehand. They were Adrian, Tash, Harriet, Lauren and Cristoph. Rhia ran her kitchen like a military operation, and unknowns like Tyler or Jess threw that into complete disarray. Now, don't get her wrong, she loved those two. Jess was always willing to try stuff and Tyler would eat anything, but their organizational skills were a bit lacking.

"Tash?" No answer. The footsteps continued. 'Hmmm. Maybe it's one of the guys…' "Cristoph?"

A chuckle. "No, Rhia. But I hope you're glad to see me none-the-less. It's been a long time. And I owe you something."

The girl flinched. She hadn't heard that voice since her first mission. Whipping around, she came face to face with one of the only people who had a massive grudge against her. "Russell!" Eyes like sapphires looked back at her, and there was no warmth there.

"Aww, Rhia, I'm hurt. I'd thought you would love to see me again. After all, you kept me from dying. But then again," the Stu paused to think. "Death would be preferable to what you put me through. So let me do you a favor, and kill you now." He sneered. "Of course, it isn't going to be painless."

Time stopped. The Stu was right there, barely a foot from her face. How'd he get out? Who let him out? Are the other Sues and Stus free as well? Rhia tightened her loose grip on her pan. She wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Her eyes narrowed in a glare. "Too close, Russell!" All those months of lifting heavy pans laden with food finally paid off. The pan Rhia was holding came up and whapped him upside the head in a good imitation of Adrian's 'Boot to the Head.' With a ringing 'GOOOONNNG', Russell fell straight to the floor. He probably had a pretty nice concussion, too.

"Man… he dented one of my favorite pans…"

Strapping a couple of kitchen knives to her belt, and hooking her newly christened battle pan to her hip, she grabbed her wakizashi and ran out the door. Someone had to know what was going on, and the Sue incursion had to be stopped.

-

A grim smile crossed Adrian's face. "You guys didn't really think that I hopped dimensions using Plot Holes, did you? I'm not a Stu. I'm the Librarian and I can summon these doorways to move from place to place when I need to... and this particular door leads back to the Real World."

Rhia hissed out a breath. 'Retreat? Damn. Adrian's nervous. Otherwise, he'd let us go and unleash everything in a free-for-all against the Sues.' She listened to the others as they protested the move when a sinking feeling dropped into her middle. 'What about the original characters? Where will Emily and Lily go? And Aster, and Tyler, and Doug, and… Cristoph.' The sinking feeling turned bad and went to dead worry in the pit of her stomach. Rhia clenched her fists to keep them from shaking.

"But what about Emily and Lily? They're Sues - they can't exist in the Real World!" Hati demanded. "And why do we have to go to the Real World? Surely there are other places we can retreat to, ones were we can get an army or weapons or something!"

"I will get Emily and Lily to a place until the crisis is over where they'll be safe."

The worry in Rhia's stomach only eased a little bit at this. 'If Adrian says they'll be safe, I have to trust him. I have so far.'

The assembled agents slowly, reluctantly, stepped through the door that led to the Real World. None of them liked this decision, and Tash disagreed so strongly that Adrian had to knock her out so that she would go.

Rhia walked toward the door just as slowly as the other agents, but looked back just before she went through the threshold. The look in the Librarian's eyes was oddly soft for such a desperate situation. It was then, Rhia knew, that not everything was going to end nicely.

-

The Smiths were everywhere. The agents were sorely outnumbered, and they knew it. The Counter Guardians had their hands full with the Sues up on Stonehenge, and Tash was hopefully winning against Willowe in the Sahara.

The Smiths weren't just fighting physically against the agents; it was a psychological fight as well. Taunts floated on the air, destroying the self-esteem of any agent that heard them.

"Come now, Agent Rhia. Surely you see that this fight is simply pointless? We've found the other agents that did not come through with you here. They are one with us now, and you cannot win."

Rhia heard this, and then all sounds went painfully quiet in her shock. The fear that she had been denying the whole time for Cristoph surged through her system. It stung. A moment more, and it turned to an icy rage. It flushed liquid nitrogen through her veins, numbing all the aches and pains she had gotten so far in the fight. This same freezing liquid shattered a floodgate somewhere deep inside her, unleashing something that had no problems killing everything in sight. In any way it could.

Rhia screamed, a hoarse, angry yell that made all the nearby agents jump and the Smiths' eyebrows go to their hairlines. The lioness was free and was thirsty for blood.

-

Rhia's bloodlust didn't die until the skies in the Real World returned to their normal blue. Aches and pains revealed themselves at the same time the number of Smiths she had killed was realized. Some had their heads smashed in from her pan. (Said pan was now an unrecognizable lump of metal.) Others had kitchen knives in their chest or had their throats slit.

Others were in the same position, with the bodies of dead Smiths around them. Michael's darkness was fading, and all that was left around him was pieces of bodies.

It was with relief that every agent went back to the Library, with Tash leading the way. However, nothing but hurt was there to greet them. The Library was almost utterly destroyed.

A door opened on a mostly intact wall and out came Aster. It shut behind her and then opened again to reveal Lily, and then Doug, Tyler, Kyle, and then Cristoph.

Tash told them the news of Adrian's death, and then walked off somewhere to be alone.

-

Rhia started to cry when she saw the level of destruction the Library had gone through. Had the Smiths been telling the truth when they said they had found everyone? But then a door appeared and Aster came through it. The others were a blur, Rhia's hope rising to an almost fevered pitch until Cristoph came out, looking slightly confused. She held herself back to Tash could talk to them for a moment, and then threw herself at him.

No words were needed at the moment. Maybe later, but for now, the two of them just wanted to make sure of the safety of the other.

-

Cristoph, Pete, Doug, Karissa, Rhia and Drake were in Adrian's office. They were some of the few that could function through their hurt, at least during the first few days. Each split off to a different part of his office in an attempt to right it after the attack.

Rhia went for the filing cabinets that had been dumped everywhere, spilling mission files like paper snow.

'So many missions. How have we kept the deaths down until now?' The reports went together first by date, then by agent. Gathering them together from around her, she picked one up with the name of Blake at the top. Her breath hitched. 'We haven't even told him. But…maybe…it should stay that way. If one person can be saved this hurt…' Blake had left the Society not on the best of terms, but he had still been an agent, and therefore deserved to know when something like Adrian's death happened. Rhia shook her head. 'No, I won't send him a message. If anyone should tell him, it should be one of the senior agents.'

More shuffling of papers, and she came upon her first mission. She didn't have to read the report to remember so vividly what, exactly, had happened. 'And Adrian had been so lenient that time. I forgot to wipe the Stu interference from the fandom, and he let it slide…He could have kicked me from the Society at that point.'

Rhia constantly sniffled her way through the rest of the clean-up. She blamed it on the dust.

-

"Let it go, Cristoph." Rhia said, softly.

-

A week later, and Rhia had finally cleaned up enough of the mess Russell had made in her kitchen to start restocking. He was dead now. Adrian had killed all of the Sues that had stayed behind except for a few, and they were dead too.

Grief permeated the Library like a miasma. No one had so much as smiled in a week. Rhia was not immune to this, but there was another emotion prodding at the back of her head. Relief.

She had asked Cristoph to help her by checking off the items in the cupboards by the ceiling. She couldn't reach those without the use of a step ladder, and that would take a lot of time.

"I feel so selfish." Rhia put down her clipboard to rub at her arms. Cristoph walked over and looked at her from the side with an eyebrow raised. "Adrian would come in here every now and then. He liked my bread…"Rhia trailed off. She couldn't lift her head to look him in the eye. Her shame wouldn't let her. "The Smiths, in the real world… they taunted us. Said that they had completely invaded the library, and that they had found where you had gone. And that they would make you like them. Cristoph, I've seen all three Matrix movies! What the Smiths do, it's worse than death." She took a strangled breath; she was trying to hold back tears. Her voice was tight. "I understand how Tash felt, when Mary-Ann talked about Adrian. I near about lost it with the Smiths. If one was in front of me, it died. I came back hoping against hope that you were all right, that they hadn't found you—hadn't turned you."

Cristoph still wasn't quite used to showing affection, so when he placed his arm around her shoulders, he wasn't sure if it was appropriate. To his relief, Rhia leaned into it. "I'd be where Tash is now if anything had happened to you. I bless all the stars on high that you are all right."

"Then what's wrong? I'm here. I'm fine."

"My relief for you overrides my grief at Adrian's death. It doesn't feel right."

Cristoph waited. He knew that she had more to say.

"Cristoph… this is hard… God his death hurts, but I'm grateful that if someone had to die, it was him. And not you.

I understand where Tash is right now, and if you had died, I'd be right where she is. And for that, for the fact that I do not have to deal with that pain, I thank him with all my soul. I'd give almost anything to bring Adrian back for all of us, but I can't.

I almost thought I'd lost you, when the Smiths said they'd found you, and turned you into one of them.

I know exactly where Tash is, in her grief. I don't have to imagine it."

Cristoph's brow furrowed, and he blinked. He wasn't really sure how to respond to this. On one hand, he knew what it was like to go into battle, and worry about the safety of his companions until the battle was over. On the other hand, to be presented with this kind of concentrated relief from worry for just himself from someone else was mystifying.

"Is it right to think such things? If only I knew. Such things are beyond my ken. But if it helps any, Lady Rhia… perhaps, the feelings I have when I think of you are enough to justify your feelings. When I entered that door, I knew there would be no way for me to aid you, or anyone, and even as I stood there in the primordial darkness, I constantly fretted for you and prayed for your safety. Is it the same way of thinking when compared to you?

I don't know. I wish I knew. Because I want a sense of justification, too. It is something I feel like I'm missing... and wonder if I'll ever get it back."

Rhia nodded, and took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Then, she picked up her clipboard and got back to work.

Lovestruck

"Bloody hell..."

Tash Marquand scowled to herself as she marched down the street. She didn't know what fandom she was in and she didn't really care at the moment- her hair was windswept and he clothes were ruffled up and she had smudges of dirt here and there and she still hadn't caught Willowe!

"Of all the days for Hati and Lauren to be working or test-taking..." Tash grumbled and ran her hands through her hair, trying to get the little twigs and dead leaves out of it. She had found Willowe in some sort of park, basking in the presence of the fandom's main characters and then fled when Tash showed up, using some sort of wind spell to cover her escape and delay Tash.

It had delayed her - by hurling her into the woods. Some of those trees would never be the same...

Sighing to herself, she readjusted her clothing and started to look around, hoping to randomly spot something that would give her a clue to Willowe's location and she could finis her mission and go home. "At least nothing else can go wrong today..."

That was when something slammed into her head and drove her facefirst into the sidewalk. "BOLLOCKS!"

Wrenching her face free of the concrete, Tash rubbed at the back of her head and winced as she felt the ache in her face. "What the bloody hell hit me!" Then she blinked when she saw what it was. "A book...?"

Reaching out and picking the object up, she lifted it to eyelevel so she could study it. It was a thick black-covered tome, with gold lettering on it in a language that didn't look like any she had ever seen. Despite how thick it was and the fact that it smacking her head had caused to try and grab a snack of concrete, it felt light in her hands, almost like a feather and Tash wondered if the book was magical.

In fact, the more she looked at it, the more Tash decided it was-the lettering on the cover seemed to be shining softly and she couldn't really tear her eyes away, it was so pretty. In fact, why didn't she listen to that voice in her ear (The little one she had only just noticed and it sounded so natural, too.) open the book and see if she could read it... her hand inched for the cover, because one little peek couldn't hurt, after all...

"May I have that back, please?"

Tash jerked, startled and nearly dropped the book. "Uh? Who? Wha?" She flushed, embarassed for some reaons and lifted her head to see a youngish-looking man standing in front of her.

He had snow-white hair that fell just short of his sharp violet eyes and he was dressed in what looked some very expensive clothes-a fancy button-up black shirt and pants that seemed to be made out of silk and a white trenchcoat that had black detailing along the edges and currently, he was looking at her with a small half-smile on his face, one hand held out for the book. "That book. May I have it back?"

"Oh- yes." Tash handed him the book. "The thing fell out of the sky and walloped me on the head, you know."

"The sky, miss?" The man blinked at her and then smiled. "I'm afraid that the book may have hit you harder than you thought - there's no way it could have out of the sky and hit you. You see, I was coming back from the local library and I tripped on the curb behind you and it went flying out of my hands and struck you in the back of the head. I am very sorry about that, by the way."

Tash raised an eyebrow at him skeptically. "You tripped... and the book me hard enough to shove me into the ground?"

He rubed the back of his sheepihsly. "Weeeeeeellll, I was kind of running really hard at the time..."

"I still say it fell out of the sky..." The British girl blinked as she realized she didn't have to stand around talking, she had to get back on track and find Willowe. But she also wanted to stay- part of her had just realized how cute this guy was. "Ummm... you mind telling me your hame?"

"My name? It's Adrian." Then he pointed down the street. "If you follow this place to the end, take a left and then take a right at the next interesection, you'll find who you're looking for." At Tash's blink of surprise, he smiled. "Let's just say it's my job and leave it that, shall we?" Then pointed over Tash's shoulder. "Look! A distraction!"

"What! Where!" Tash whirled and then swore when she realized that she had been tricked. "Dammit!" Spinning back around, she glowered. "That was not very nice and why would you do that to-?"

Her voice trailed off as she realized that he was gone. "Wha... where the heck did he go?"

Then there an explosion and Tash watched a rain of debris and dust billow into the air and she heard some shouting and then sighed. "Sounds like Hati had a one too many teas' before coming on the mission..." Then she was darting down the street to help her friend.

But in the back of her mind, she couldn't help but wonder who that Adrian fellow was... and wishing that she had gotten his phone number.

TTTTTT

"You're staring again, Tash-san..."

Tash jumped in her chair and felt her self flush a bit red as her head snapped around. "I am not!"

Aster, hovering a few above the table, casually pullled a manga from the equally tall stack of it in front of her and swiftly replaced it with the one in her hand, barely causing it to sway. The Society hadn't been inside the Library for two whole weeks yet and already the little fae had staked the managa section as her own. "Yes, you are."

"I am not." Tash jerked her chin, where on the otherside of the room, Adrian was busy with some of the books, many of them floating around him, open to specific pages as he pulled one close to him, skimmed it's contents and then pushed it back up into the air, already grabbing another book while his other hand was already yanking yet another tome. "Besides, with something like that going on?"

"It's nothing more unusual than that train of scrolls that followed him around the Library yesterday." The fae replied, now reclining on the air like it was a couch as she read. "You're just looking at him just to look.."

"Nnnnn..." Tash sighed and dropped the argument and returned to her book. Several minutes of silence past and she carefully, carefully, began to lift her head...

"He's looking this way."

Tahs squeaked and ducked her head down behidn her book. "Did he see? Did he notice?" Then she really flushed this time and glared at Aster. "He wasn't really looking, was he?"

"No." Aster said off-handedly and then pricks up, before darting away down an aisle with a beat of her wings. "I skpped an issue!"

The British girl sighed and returned to her book for a second time. "Good lord, she is thick... I was not staring..."

A few long moments passed and then she started peering around the edge of her book at the busy Librarian. "I was peeking..."

TTTTTT

It was getting so he could set his clock by it.

The British Agents, still operating on British time, would get ready for bed- shower, brush their teeth, slip into their nightgowns, wish everyone good night and crawl into their beds while the other Agents usually went home or took their turns at monitor duty while Adrian would retreat to his quarters to meditate or read or whatever he felt like doing.

About half an hour later, his ears would prick up as he heard footsteps outside his door and for a minute or two, he could hear them shuffling back and forth as their own sat and debated with herself whether or not to knock.

Eventaully, he'd get tired of waiting and go open the door and find a flushing, embarassed Tash, who would manage to squeak out a question and if she could sleep with him tonight?

This night, however, was a bit different.

The Librarian had barely settled down to read one of Phoenixia's latest works when his ears pricked up at the sound of his door opening and he lifted his head to see the door to his bedroom open, Tash slipping in quietly, dressed in a pale blue nightgown. "Well, this is new... usually I have to go fetch you..." Then he frowned when he noticed the distraught look on Tash's face. "You had a nightmare, didn't you?"

She nodded and clambered into the bed next to him as he set the book aside and cuddled her close, stroking her hair and murmuring reassurances softly while the British girl buried her face into his chest and breathed deeply, hoping his scent could chase away the lingering fingers of the nightmare that teased at her mind.

After several minutes of this, Tash lifted her head and snuggled closer and tighter to him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Mmmmm, I feel better already..."

"Good." Adrian stroked her hair idly and began to purr softly as she wound his tail once around her wrist and began to pet it. "Tell me about what it was about?"

"I don't remember..." Tash shook her head and grinned a tiny bit as his purring picked as she rubbed the tip of his tail between her fingers. "And I don't want to...I just want to be safe and with you..."

"Well, you are safe." He promised and kissed her head, causing her blush a bit. "So long as you are with me, you're safe."

"Thank you so much, love." The Chief Agent nuzzled him a bit and then shifted her head to give him a quick kiss, which quickly devolved to a duel of tongues and soft mewls.

Breaking for air, Adrian blinked when he found Tash swinging her leg around, stradding his stomach. "Excuse me...?"

"Make love to me." Tash unbuttoned her nightgown and pulled it off, revealing that she wore nothing at all underneath. "I want you..."

The Librarian squirmed a bit, uncomfortable. While he was definitely no stranger to sex in it's many many forms, the thought of doing it with Tash, someone he loved so much, was a bit unsettling for some reason. "Tash... isn't this a little fast?"

"No, it's not. I love you, Adrian... more than I thought I could ever love anyone and I know in my heart you're the only one I will love my entire life." She cupped his face and leaned down to kiss him gently. "And even if it is fast, I don't care... I want it... I need it..."

She straightened, trailing her hands gently, softly down his chest as she did. "Please, Adrian, heart of my heart... make love to me... please?"

There was a long moment and then Adrian's arms slid around her form and pulled her down on top of him.

TTTTTT

Fire and light flared momentarily, briefly outshining the sunlight in the forst and then massive roar and shockwave followed a seconds later, knocking down a circle of tears and kickin up an ever-expandeing ring of dust.

Tash screamed as she sailed backwards, knocking down a trail of branches and leaves with her flight before smashing into a tree trunk and thudding to the forest floor admist a rain of bark, dirt and leaves. "Uhhhhhh..."

Then she was rolling to the side as Adrian's form blurred into sight above her, Hoshikuzu slicing through the air where her head had been and cleaing through the three-foot thick tree behind like butter, a crescent of power leaping from the tip and Tash felt it singe the ends of her hair." Why are you lying down! I didn't say you could rest!"

Tash rolled to her feet, swinging out her staff in a desperate swing, but the crystal sword blocked it easily and she was forced back up and back up rapidly as Adrain came at her, the air in front of him nearly a violet smear as he rained blow after blow at her and her staff creaked with the strain of blocking them. "Love, we've been at this for three hours! I need to rest!"

"No!" Adrian leaned back to avoid her desperate counter and energy gathered in his blade. "Not until I see some improvement!"

"Dammit!" Fire alighted on Tash's back and with a beat of her wings, she took the sky, soaring up above the treetops backwards, even as Adrian leapt up after her. "Dammit, love, I said I need a break!"

"And I said no!" The air hissed as he started to swing the shining Hoshikuzu at her. "We're not done yet!"

"Grrr!" Tash clenched her fist in anger and drew back her staff like a baseball. "Yes... we... ARE!" Then she swung and it connected with the poor Librarian.

What she was not expecting was the massive fireball that exploded from the end of her staff and sent Adrian flying away like a comet. "Oh..."

Adrian, for his part, managed to get out "I'M ON FIRRREEEEEEEE AGAAAINNNN!" before he flew away out of earshot and smashed through the forest canopy about a half mile away.

"Bollocks!" Coming to her senses, Tash flew after him. "I"m sorry, love!"

Diving down at the crater he had made, she winced as she saw the blackened circle of earth that had been plants and forest and the good number of trees toppled over. "Oh, I'm so gonna pay for this."

Landing at the center, she blinked as she saw Hoshikuzu driven blade first into the ground, but no Adrian. "Ummm..." Then her face grew worried. "I didn't burn him up, did I? OH god, no!"

"Little help, love?"

Tash whirled at the sound of his voice and then stared for a long moment... then erupted in a fit of giggles.

At the edge of crater, Adrian had somehow become entangled in a tree, dangling upside down and trailing wisps of smoke while what remained of his trenchcoat lay smoldering on the ground beneath him. "Yes, yes, very funny... now get me down!"

The British girl sauntered over and studied him, grinning. "I don't know... wasn't you said that a good fighter took advantage of any openings as they saw them?"

He scowled at her. "That doesn't apply here... now, get me down, love and we'll take a break."

She put a finger to her lips. "No, I have a better idea..." Planting her staff into the ground so that it would remain upright, she kicked the remains of his coat away and stood directly underneath him.

"Hey, hey! What do you think you're doing!" Adrain squirmed and then a look of soft bliss appeared on his face as Tash reached up and began to pet his ears. "Nooo... you can't to this me..."

"Can so..." Tash grinned. "Not so bossy now, are you now, kitty?"

"Mmmmm..."

She giggled and continued to stroke his ears, still giggling...until he relaxed his way right out of the tree and landed on top of her, pinning her instantly. "ACK! Heavy kitty! Heavy kitty!"

"Mmmmmmm..."

TTTTTT

"You know... I've never been love like this before..." Tash murmured softly, idly stroking the length of hair that fell over her shoulder as she lay tangled up betsheets that were twisted and scrunched from their recent lovemaking. "I never thought anyone would want me this way..."

"And now you do and you've shown me that in so, so many many wonderful ways." She sighed happily. "And I mean, it's not just the sex, love- not that it isn't so damn good, mind you, it's absolutely perfect- but all the little things you do, too. The hugs and kisses... the way you cheer me up when I'm sad or upset... the way you always know just when I need a fluffy white kitten my lap to pet... even just the way you look at me all the time..."

Tash blushed heavily, embarassed despite knowing that her love couldn't see her since she was facing away. "When you're away, I miss you so much, even if you're just on the other side of the hallway... just seeing you makes me smile... loving you, being with you, being yours... it's like some kind of amazing, gorgeous dream and I never, ever want to wake up."

A giggle escaped her and she grinned. "Speaking of dreams, I had a good one a few days ago and we did some stuff I'd like to try for real..."She rolled, her grin going naughty and met a pair of violet eyes. "What do you think, love? Up for it?"

The eyes were violet, but the body attatched to them had long, silver-blue tresses falling across the owner's face and curves that had curves, with long legs that didn't seem to end, a slim, flat tummy, silky-smooth skin, and breasts that were probably just a bit smaller than their owner's head and topping it all off, like a cherry on a sundae that already had a generous amount of whipped cream, chocolate and strawberry slices on it, was a pair of full, pouty, smirking lips that were licked sensually and slowly. "Oh, definitely am I up for it. After such sweet words, I don't think there's a force anywhere in the univese that could stop me from taking you right here, right now."

"ADRIAN'S A GIRL!" Tash shrieked wildly, leaping a foot of the bed as she flailed wildly, becoming more entangled and snared by the sheets and finally toppled off the bed, landing on the floor with a 'thud!'

"Tash! What happened!" Said Librarian came skidding to a stop in the doorframe a moment later, catching it to stop himself. The fact he was in his robe was damp in some spots and his hair was sticking this way and that, as was the fur on his tail, indicated that he had come running from the shower at Tash's scream.

Tash squirmed and disentangled herself from the sheets and sat up, her head poking above the edge of the bed, flipping between the doorway and the bed. "Who? How? What! When! I mean... Why!" Then she frowned as she heard merry laughter and flushed furiously. "Phoenixia!"

"You say my name like it's a bad thing..." The buxom holographic woman rolled over, clasping her hands against her stomach and crossing her ankles, her laughter dying down to mere ggigles. "Good morning, by the way."

Adrian glanced between his lover and his sentient naughty computer program and shot the latter a swift scowl. "You know better that, really... a woman your age, scaring the living daylights out of someone? I seriously thought something was wrong! She could have set the bedsheets on fire again!"

Phoenixia just grinned, her eyes twinkling. "Oh, she was setting something on fire, alright, though it was with some very touching words and it set my heart ablaze." She looked at Tash and gave her sweet, loving look. "That was so wonderful, Tashy, I didn't know you felt that way." The older woman wiped a imaginary tear from her eye. "What shall we name the kids? And do you want a July or August wedding?"

Tash, who by this point was so red she could pass for an apple, desperately wished she could bury her face in the pillow and hid forever, but couldn't since Phoeinixia was currently using both pillows and so settled for skittering over to Adrian, dragging the besheet behind her and hugging him tightly and burying her face in his neck. "Mmmmmmmmmmnneeeyyhhhhhhh - make the mean old lady go away!"

Adrian hugged her back. "It's okay, love, the mean old lady can't hurt you while I'm here." He lifted an eyebrow at Phoenixia, who was currently playing with her hair, alternately switching it from straight to ringlets and arraging it to see how it well or little it covered her breasts. "And where have you been all weekend? I tried to call you, but you didn't answer and now you just show up in my bed, naked and completely unannoucned?"

"What?" Phoenixia just grinned at him and let her hands wander across her stomach. "You don't like finding hot, naked women in your bed and wanting you? Especially now that you have two of them?"

There was a muffled sound from Tash that sounded vaugely like 'I'm not hot' and Adrain ignored it, privately deciding that if he licked his finger and pressed it to her face, he would get steam. "I get you popping in unannounced like a goddess of sex or whatever, but seriously, dearling, where have you been?"

"Oh, I had a fun weekend." Phoeinixia slid off the bed and clasped her arms over her head and stretching, prompting Adrain to roll his eyes. "That Cherokee Agent and I decided to spend the weekend having some fun. I think that red-haired Irish girl might have been there, too - but it was two days of mind-bending pleasure and skin and lovebites... did you know that girl has a chain? And she knows how to use it, too..."

The Librarian raised an eyebrow. "You spent two days doing nothing but that... I'm surprised that they were able to walk out of that..."

"Adrain, you should know by now that anyone I get really serious with for that long will not be walking anywhere for a good while..." Phoenixia shook her head and ran her hands through her hair to get the tangles out of it. "Anywho, I just popped over to say 'Good morning' to my two most favorite people and check up on you." She put on a face fit for a stern matron, though it was ruined by the fact she was completely naked. "Can't have you two doing any hanky-panky under the sheets, now."

A snort of amusement escaped the silver-haired man as Phoenixia swayed her hips over to him. "Well, thanks for your concern, but we got it under control."

"Don't I know it..." The hologram gave them both a hug and slid past him, pausing to grab his tail and run a hand up its length, wriggling the tip near her face. "Hmmm... feels like you still need to finish your shower... need some help drying off?" Then she blinked as she realized that Tash had snagged Adrian's tail out of her grasp.

"Mine kitteh!" Tash said and wrapped his tail around her wrist, sticking her tongue out childishly at Phoenixia before burying her still flaming face into his neck again.

Phoenixia giggled. "It's okay - I'm tapped for awhile, anyway. You two fun- it feels like someone is trying to illegally download hacked movies using the computer and I need to go see which one it is before I punish them and take it for my own." With a flair of motes light, she was gone.

"Hope she doesn't suprise them naked..that might cause a bit of an incident..." Adrian said and then gently lifted Tash's head off his neck and looked into her still embarassed eyes. "Hey, she said you were saying some sweet things... since they were meant for me and I didn't get to hear them, can I have them now?"

Tash looked thoughtful for a minute and then slid her arms around his neck and tangled her fingers in his hair. "Sure... I love you, my Adrian." Then she kissed him and wished the moment never had to stop.

TTTTTTTTT

He was... gone.

And he'd taken her heart with him.

Tash stood in front of his closet, staring, but not really looking at the wide variety of trenchcoat color and patterns before her. It had been nearly a week since... since 'that' happened... and she had to get dressed for another day, even though she didn't want to.

What did it matter? Adrian... her love, her only love... was dead... so what did matter?

But... she had to. Adrian had made her Librarian. And she knew that in the end, that job outweighed her sadness and grief and heartache. She couldn't sit and lie around...not anymore.

Tash stood in front of the closet, working his pendant between her fingers as she looked at the were so simple, really. Just one solid shade of a color, with a well matching color choosen for the detailing along the edges. A red coat with gold. A blue one with black. A black one with white.

Adrian always wore a coat and she had to beg and plead and order and bribe him to get him to wear anything else and for the longest time, sighed and rolled her eyes when he flatly refused to discard his coats, wondering how men could be so stubborn over the silliest things.

She haed never quite gotten why he had wore only these trenchcoats. Oh, she didn't really mind- she always thought he looked really handsome and dashing in them and he definitely cut a fine figure in them. But he was the Librarian and he knew so much magic and knowledge and what not he could boggle her mind with a word. Hell, he could probably enchant or spelll the coats to be better tha an armor, even.

But he didn't - to him, they were just coats. Things he liked to wear and thought looked nice and he felt comfortable in. And Adrian was, well, Adrian. He carried so many secrets, did so many things that she'd never understand, knew so much, did so much for people who didn't even care about him, suffered and suffered... he'd lived so long, expereinced so much, there were somedays she just couldn't grasp it. And she guessed that there were some days he couldn't, too.

Tash reached out and pulled a random one off the rack- it was a simple black coat and it had white detailing on the edges - a waving line with a dot in each dip of the line. Simple colors, simple pattern.

And that was when Tash figured out why Adrain loved her so much.

She was simple. Not that she was stupid or plain or silly or dumb or anything like that. She was just simple. She loved him for who he was and what she knew what he was in her heart- a wonderful, heroic man who deserved so much more than the raw deal he had been handed.

That was it.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

She didn't ask him for to be a hero or do anything speceal or give her gifts or take her out or be a kitty when she asked or anything like that. But he did it anyway.

Because she was simple.

She loved Adrian for Adrian.

Just like the coats. They didn't judge or ask him for things or make him out to be anything special. They were simply coats - something to wear that looked nice.

He loved her because she saw him as who he was, not what he was.

With a soft moan, Tash clenched the coat tightly and sank to her knees, sobbing into it as she wished she had only figured this out sooner.

"I love you... I love you... I love you... I love you... I love you..."

Insert Plural Noun As Title Here

For a brief minute, let's forget about Tally Youngblood.

I'm not kidding. Despite the fact that Tally is the most important character to Scott Westerfeld's painstakingly created series, let's forget she exists and concentrate on another character.

Alyana Markerstone is our main character for today. She resides in the dorms in the ugly center of the wonderful city of Diego itself.

And for the first time in Mary Sue history... she ISN'T astonishingly beautiful to every person she sees.

Alyana's story goes as such. She grows up in Uglytown, anticipating her sixteenth birthday. She is considered horrifically "ugly" by everyone in her dorm, but considering everyone's called ugly there, she doesn't care.

She pulls off a set of tricks that alert the authorities somewhat, then continues off with her life. Then one day she gets a little lost exploring the Rusty Ruins and meets... Zane.

Apparently Zane has not died like he was thought to have in Specials, even though it was pretty obvious that he was close to flatlining and the only thing keeping him alive was the machine. But no, actually, Zane has somehow been made into a Special. And he isn't a rewired Special like Shay or Fausto. He's dangerous, much like a worse version of Tally. GASP. SHOCK.

Zane threatens poor, sweet Alyana and lets her go. But Alyana cannot find her way back, and stumbles into the city where Tally Youngblood lived years ago. She then finds a cult, much like the Japanese cults from Extras (although that book shall not be mentioned considering many fangirls like to pretend that book, and Aya Fuse and Frizz Mizuno, don't exist). The cult grabs Alyana and makes her into a Special. She gets the exact same operation that Tally Youngblood has gotten years ago.

Alyana becomes part of the cult and meets and falls in love with another faux-Special, named Jonas. But when Alyana comes face-to-face with Tally Youngblood herself...

Ah, there's Tally.

Alyana meets Tally and instead of attacking each other like they should, Tally instead takes Alyana's arrival as good news. Tally isn't the last Special anymore, so she is no longer bound to Dr. Cable's last wish. And so Tally opts for the surgery that makes her an ugly again, and Zane meanwhile is also given the surgery. He meets Tally again, and a mushy-gushy love scene happens, and they both acknowledge that they do have beauty - just not the way society wants it.

Yuck.

Oh, did I mention, David has suddenly popped out of existence?

Alyana and Jonas are also given the surgery, and Jonas tells Alyana the same thing that Tally and Zane have just told each other: that although nobody else may acknowledge it, Alyana is truly beautiful...

Tired of this nightmare already? Me too. Let's cut to a more interesting scene.

-

"Adrian-kun~!"

Adrian, who was sitting on his sickbed, paled as the blue-haired vision of total idiocy burst through the door, holding a box.

"Tash-san told me you were injured!"

At this rate, I'm probably going to be even more injured considering you've walked in, thought Adrian.

Aster sidled straight up to Adrian, smiling mischievously. She then opened the lid of the box to reveal a pile of candy. Immediately Adrian's uncomfortableness disappeared.

"(gag)"

He hadn't had candy in over a month...

Obediently, Adrian opened his mouth as Aster unwrapped each candy, held it over his mouth, and dropped it in his mouth, the same way one would give a treat to Meg.

"Aster!"

Aster turned around to find a very livid Tash at the door.

"What on earth are you doing?"

Quickly, Aster sidled away.

"You know that considering Adrian is injured he could choke on one of those!"

I wouldn't care even if I did, thought Adrian.

"And I never said you were allowed to visit! From now on, no food or drink will enter this room without my express permission!"

As Tash pushed Aster out of the room, she swiped the box from her. "And I'll be eati- er, confiscating that!"

-

As Marcus arranged the books, he saw Aster walking towards a familiar shelf...

"Ah," he said, putting his hand up. "You can't do that."

"Why?" said Aster.

Marcus pulled out a list. Adrian had dictated this to Marcus to make sure Blake wasn't the only one tending to the library while Adrian was in abstentia.

"...Uh, here. #3: Under no circumstances should Aster be allowed to pull any manga, manwha, light novel, anime DVD, Korean drama DVD, or whatever else she's currently into, off the shelf."

Aster stared blankly at him for a minute. Then she said, "Hey, Marcus-kun, do you like origami?"

Marcus blinked. "Um, yeah?"

Aster held up a paper. "Do you want this?"

It was a paper folded into a shape barely recognizable by the common man - but Marcus was able to get it immediately.

"A monkey!" said Marcus. "Tell me how to make it! Tell me!"

Aster winked and pulled a copy of Hana Yori Dango Vol. 6 off the shelf.

-

"Hey! Tash!" said Kate on a nearby computer. "We've got a tag. New Sue. Uglies fandom."

"Uglies?" said Adrian, on his bed. "You mean that book series about people getting operations at sixteen to be supermodel pretty and yet at the same time be brainwashed by the government?"

"Yeah, that one," said Kate.

"Kyaa~, anyone who's brainwashed already should be an easy target for a Sue," said Aster.

"But that's the thing," said Kate. "The 'mind-rain' happened years ago. They should be normal right now."

"Should be?"

"And I'm detecting lesions in many canon characters' brains. Something's wrong."

-

It had been so easy, thought Alyana.

She had wormed her way into a plothole after receiving orders from the Lieutenant (and a few genetic modifications, although not nearly as many as Flare's - for God's sake, he was a hedgehog). She had entered the Uglies fandom, posing as a fifteen-year-old, and had "accidentally" run into a group of faux-Specials (actually friends set up by the Lieutenant). She then acted out a few scenes, and had resurrected Zane. Eventually, she did some things that would attract Tally Youngblood's attention, and became the hero of the story.

When Tally wasn't looking, Alyana booted her skintenna (almost identical to the ones present in the other Diego citizens). She then pulled up a familiar name.

"Markerstone?" a cool female voice said.

"Lieutenant," replied Alyana. "All systems are go."

"Good," replied Lieutenant Mary Sue. "Make sure you don't fail like Willowe has been doing lately. Seems she has some...personal...issues getting in the way nowadays. She has lost the purpose of our organization: to make worlds perfect."

"Permission to commence temporal distortion."

"Granted," said the Lieutenant.

Alyana cut off the connection. She then looked upwards, and made a motion as if she was grabbing something from the air...the technique used by Nagato Yuki in the fourth Haruhi novel.

Soon, thought Alyana. Very soon.

-

"Huge signal on GPS locator."

Harriet twisted the small device. "Diego. I'm assuming this is some twisted future version of San Diego?"

"They did mention Death Valley in the first book," said Kate.

Then suddenly Aster screeched to a halt. She looked around, and seemed to wave her hands in the air.

"What are you doing?" said Tash.

"Look," said Aster. "It won't let me in."

True enough, when Tash felt ahead of her, it was like she was blocked by a barrier. Aster had been trying to pound on it.

Eventually Aster lost it and shot different-colored beams at the barrier from her fingers, but the barrier seemed to absorb them.

"Wonder if Adrian-kun could do anything," said Aster.

It was mayhem. Tash was on a screaming fury to get in, Michael was attempting to stab the barrier with a sword, Miri and Aster were trying to blast the thing off, Marcus was using brute force - with both halves, and Harriet and Lauren were trying to electrocute it.

It just stood there.

Tash had an idea. "One of two things. It's restricted access for Society members, or it only allows Sues in."

"Both," said a voice.

They all turned around to behold Alyana Markerstone.

"Hell-o," she said. "We may or may not have met. I dunno. I see so many Society members around."

"What is this?" Tash demanded.

"If you inform us, reverse the damage, and hand yourself over, we'll put you on parole," said Lauren.

Alyana tossed her head back and laughed.

"You really don't know? Ask her."

And she pointed at Aster.

Everyone stared at Aster, wondering how this mundanely idiotic agent would know. As Aster followed the glares at her, she shook her head.

"No, I wouldn't... but... oh!"

Her face came into realization.

"Temporal distortion line... She's turning the time backwards, restricted to a certain area... kyaa~..."

"How on earth would you know that?" said Tash.

"I read the Suzumiya Haruhi series, you know..."

Alyana laughed again.

"Yes, she's right. It is a temporal distortion line. Anything inside it will be going backwards. It covers Diego and any city 30 miles from it. At this point," and here Alyana looked at her watch, "we should be in the middle of the second book right now. If you do manage to get inside, you'll be forced to go backwards as well. Only I can go in and out without being affected."

Harriet rubbed her hand on the invisible barrier, and watched a leaf fly by inside it. Aerodynamically, it was going backwards.

"Now," said Alyana, "leave me alone..."

She pulled out what looked like a small pistol. Words were inscribed on it: PLAIN JANE.

"Watch out!" said Tash, and pushed Miri out of the way just in time to avoid what looked like a small pin shooting at them.

Tash breathed heavily. Lauren took out a cloth and picked the pin up with it, holding it like it was a poisonous snake.

"Plain Jane pins. They're lethal to self-inserts... they'll rob us of our identity if they touch us..."

Lauren looked up to see Alyana pointing the gun at her.

Luckily, Lauren moved away in time, but the pin struck her shoe. Lauren kicked it off with the other foot.

"Get out of here. Now," said Alyana.

The Society didn't need telling twice, except Aster, who continually stood her ground.

"I'm not a self-insert," said Aster.

"Aster, get out!" said Tash, pulling her away.

-

"We need help."

Tash lectured the ragtag team of Society members.

"Is there any way we can get some?"

Blake had a suggestion. "Canon characters. This is a futuristic universe. Some character could explain it to us and help us out."

"There's a problem with that one," said Michael. "All the canon characters are trapped in that time bubble."

"Ah..."

Aster had interrupted.

"When you told me about that series, I looked it up in Adrian-kun's library...There's a fourth book, it's in Japan, kyaa~"

-

"I hope to God she hasn't put a temporal distortion in Japan too..."

"The fourth book is usually uninterrupted by fans. Most people hate it."

They used a helicopter stolen from a nearby city to land in Tokyo, and Aster's eyes got very, very big...

"Ah - I - "

Then suddenly Aster fell on the floor, throwing a tantrum, swearing in Japanese and yelling, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CITY?"

"Apparently she can't handle the future changes," said Tash.

"Be thankful there are changes. It means this place is untouched."

-

Tokyo was swarming with cams.

Tash could practically feel the cams scanning her. She didn't have an eyescreen, but she had a feeling...if she could see her face rank it would probably be over a million. (Aster's would be lower, probably.) Considering that nobody in this place knew her name, she'd have the lowest. Actually, she wouldn't be on there.

"Tash-san..."

Great, maybe it was Aster's fault, but Tash had just made it into the reputation economy.

"Tash-san, where are we going?"

"Shuffle Mansion," said Tash. "We need to find a certain canon character, and we have to get in."

-

Shuffle Mansion was huge.

Aster ogled at it. She lived in a small apartment in her universe, and this place defied whatever her imagination had fed her before.

"Tash-san, it's huge."

Tash reached for the door, but the handle mildly electrocuted her. The automated system said something in Japanese.

"Crap," said Tash. "I forgot. This place is supposed to be secure."

"How do we get up then?" said Michael.

"Send them a message?" suggested Miri.

Tash noticed a small intercom, and pushed the button. Japanese phrases came out.

"Hey!" said Tash. "English please!"

However, in the Uglies fandom, the author had clearly defined a language barrier, which required a Japanese-speaking person.

"Aster, get this right. Or else there will be consequences!"

"Kyaa~, don't be so hard on me~"

Aster walked up to the intercom, and in Japanese, said: "For Fuse Aya. I am Aster Selene. I have information that concerns you, your city, and most of all, Tally Youngblood. If you want juicy info, please open the door. I am not a normal extra."

15 seconds later, the doors swished open.

-

"So, I want an explanation," said Aya Fuse.

Aster blushed.

"Well?" said Tash. "What does she want?"

"An explanation," said Aster.

"Hm," said Tash. "Explain to her about Mary Sues."

"But you're the one who says it better, kyaa~"

"But you're the one who speaks Japanese!"

Aster blushed even more and explained the situation to Aya. Hiro, Ren, and Frizz made a few side remarks. Finally, Aya nodded and said something intense to Aster. Aster turned back to Tash.

"She says she'll help if she has permission to kick the story to help her face rank. She won't mention the Society, or authors, but she'll talk about Sues..."

Tash faced the rest of the Society. "That could work..."

-

Aster screamed.

"What - is - that!"

"Moggle," said Aya. "My camera. I need shots to kick a story."

"But...it's...looking at me..."

"Get used to it," said Hiro. "We're all kicking this story. And get ready for a jump in face rank, because once people see you around Aya..."

-

The Society and Aya were swarmed with cams as soon as they walked out.

"Ren!" said Aya. "Reputation bubble! Hurry!"

Ren took out his preprogrammed jammer and slowly the cams fell from the sky.

"Quickest way to America..." said Tash. "Besides a ten-hour long helicopter ride..."

"I do hope I get some more merits as soon as I kick my story, because I spent a lot to get this..."

-

Despite Aya's general newfound fame from kicking the City Killer and Leaving Home stories, she still fussed about her merits. Perhaps it was habit from being an extra. But the Society found it worth it, because who could resist a plane ride in the future?

"Kyaa~," said Aster.

"So," said Aya. "Are you really self-inserts? Or are you just a cult of uglies - except for her," and here she pointed at Aster, "who just had a very bad attempt at a manga-head surge?"

"We're Authors," said Tash.

(All this time, Aster was scrambling back and forth as translator.)

"And you are here to catch... Mary Sues?" (She pronounced it "merisu".)

"Yes," said Lauren.

"She's damaging the city of Diego, and Tally Youngblood," said Blake.

"Tally-sama..." Aya gulped. "Maybe we should have involved the government?"

"No," said Tash. "We can't have the idea of authors spreading across your Japan."

-

"Wha- no! Canon characters!"

Alyana Markerstone stared in horror at the large Society group and the four Japanese canon characters.

"Moggle, are you getting this?" said Aya.

"Ah..." Alyana found that she would be close to being seen by almost all the feeds in Japan. "Well..." A grin slowly spread on Alyana's face. "What if I - "

But Tash got there first.

Alyana had charged and attacked Aya. A full scale brawl broke out.

In the background, Moggle curiously zoomed in.

Everyone was rubbing some area of the body in pain, but Alyana merely stood up. She healed fast. "I'm tired of this charade."

She pushed a button on her crash bracelet, and the mask covering her fell off. Within a few seconds she had revealed herself to be a Special.

The Society had been duped. Alyana had not received the ugly surgery after all.

"You're gone," said Aya in slanted English. "I will post this on the feeds, and everyone will catch you."

"I don't have to stay in this fandom anymore!" said Alyana. "And to make sure you don't pursue me, I have something you need!"

Alyana pulled out a small screen and showed what was in it. Tash gasped in horror.

"I have your little puppy," said Alyana. "Don't worry, she'll be a great companion. But if you annoy me..."
Alyana laughed and disappeared through a plothole.

-
Although she was dismayed at Alyana's last trick, Aya had enough shots, and would kick the story to be on the watch for more Sues.

"Dammit..." said Tash. "We have to get the Sue, and rescue Meg."

-

In the Library...

Tash was already feeling down but Aster was making it worse.

" - how on earth could you possibly be a HaruKyon fan, Haruhi's not meant for that, Kyon even says in novel #5 - "

"Not now, Aster - "

" - total disgrace to Kyon, everyone knows Yuki's the one for him - "

" - Aster - "

" - so since season 2 is coming out, I expect there to be a sharp increase in YukiKyon fans, and if you're not one of them by then, then you are going to have a lot more up your sleeve than a lost dog!"