Thursday, September 29, 2011

Insert Sharpshooting Immortal Here

A phone buzzed against the floor, before a loud blast of music burst into the room. There was a loud groan, followed by the 'fwump' of a pillow being moved to block out the unnecessary and annoying noise, however when this achieved naught, a long line of swear words were muttered into the dark room, and a hand reached over the bed and searched blindly for the infernal device that had been discarded the night previously along with the jeans that they currently resided in. An eternity of groping later, and the phone was slammed against a head.

"What?" the groggy Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society leader demanded.

"Bonjour Tash, ca va bien?" Jess asked, not sounding too great herself. The leader raised an eyebrow.

"Jess its Sunday and its..." she paused to check her watch. "Seven thirty four in the morning. Why are you, of all people up this early, and why are you waking me to inform me of this fact?"

Seven words was all it took to sum up the situation, and Tash flung the covers back and began searching for her bag.

"Be there in five. Don't go anywhere."

She hung up abruptly and reached for her discarded jeans. An arm wrapped itself around her waist and pulled her back against the mattress. Tash squeaked as she found herself pressed against the warm body of her boyfriend.

"Where are you going?" the Librarian asked sleepily. Tash considered telling the truth, but she knew this would incite her lover to get up and deal with the problem himself – something she would not allow, as he was still supposed to be on recovery from the last fight he had got himself into. So she opted for half of the truth.

"Jess needs some help," she soothed. "Go back to sleep."

A couple of well placed pets to the kitty ears ensured that he let go of her and settled back against the mattress. There was a small meow, and a vague mutter.

"...naughty angel... don't be long..."

Tash blushed and giggled, before crawling out of bed. Silently, she hopped into her jeans, seized her handbag, and slipped out of the room, her happiness dissolving as she recalled Jess's brief words.

"There's a Sue in the Underworld fandom."

Not exactly what she had hoped to wake up to.


Her name was Alina Albina Sara Renata Sona Jolana Corvin, and already every immortal on the planet knew who she was.

She had always been there, though no one had ever realised it. She had first come to attention when she had swiftly taken over Amelia's coven in the west, after the Elder's unfortunate demise. Now with Markus and Viktor gone, and war between the vampires and lycans reaching exploding point, especially with no Cleaners around any longer to cover up the evidence of the war from the watchful eyes of the human world, there was desperate need among the vampires for a new ruling power. A power that had been discovered in Alina.

Disdain was caused among the remaining vampires in the east of course – Alina had not even been turned five years ago. How could she hope to rule the total vampire immortals throughout the world when she had not even seen a decade as an immortal? But Alina had proven herself to be a wise and worthy leader. She was as ruthless and skilled as any Death Dealer, and yet retained the tact and sense needed in the world of vampire politics. She was everything the vampires could possibly need in a leader, particularly in such desperate times. She even extended an invitation to Selene and Michael, granting them sanctuary with the vampires – an act which caused much scandal among the remaining vampires who had seen the better part of the past millennia.

Then something even more astounding had happened – though by this point the author had abandoned her story in disgust, unaware that her creation had now amassed enough power to continue warping the fandom regardless.

Not a day before Selene and Michael were due to arrive in the west (where Alina now ruled both covens), Alina had run into a group of angry, newly turned lycans. Mad with bloodlust, they had attacked, and though Alina had fought them off bravely, somehow one of them had managed to bite her.

Rather than die however, something extraordinary had happened.

Her body had proven itself able to combine the powers of both species, turning Alina into a hybrid.

The vampires had been set to force their new leader out, but somehow, none of them could bring themselves to do it. She was so perfect, and the coven was finally united and organised enough to keep the lycans at bay as well as keeping their existence secret from the humans. Even as a hybrid, more than one vampire would have loved to take this mysterious and powerful immortal as their bride. And yet among the speculation and debate, no one could explain how this had come to be in the first place. An immortal supposedly could not survive a bite from both species unless they were a descendant of Alexander Corvinus.

The answer arrived along with Selene and Michael, the day after the attack.

Alina was in fact, Michael's older sister, whom he had not seen since leaving the states. She too carried the blood of Alexander Corvinus in her veins, and it was this that allowed her to survive the vampire and werewolf bite.

Michael had been shocked to hear of his sister ruling the vampire covens, for he had not even been aware that she had been turned into a vampire five years ago. Alina had pointed out (with tears in her bright blue eyes) that she had kept a low profile, feeling a failure in the family, when compared to her little brother, who had been going through college and earning his degree in medicine. She had felt hurt, and outcast, and so had severed ties with the family for all their sakes.

By now nothing made sense in this world any longer, and it was for this reason, that the Society had been alerted, and so many fanfiction readers had given this story up as a bad job.


Underworld was not a Black Listed fandom – a surprise to anyone who knew it, for it was certainly dangerous enough to merit a place on the infamous list. No one was entirely sure why it wasn't, but for whatever reason, the two Society agents were able to slip in without detection.

The worry was that so many characters in Underworld died easily – be they major characters or background filler, they all had a high chance of dying. And when the Society left a fandom, though they wiped all memory of their presence and the Sues, the one thing they could not do, was bring characters back from the dead. Keeping everyone alive (and the correct species) was a top priority for Tash and Jess, for that was one thing they would not be able to reverse if things went horribly wrong.

Right now, however, this was the least of the girl's concerns.

"We should have changed before we came here," Tash muttered, a blush of embarrassment remaining on her cheekbones, as she and her friend walked down the busy streets, trying to ignore the odd looks they were getting every now and then.

It was dark in the busy American town they had arrived in (apparently the location of Amelia's – now Alina's – coven), but the nightlife was by no means silent, and the streets were full of partying humans, unaware that they lived in a city that also housed a large group of vampires. From the loud thumping club music that seemed to stalk them through every street, and the fact that they had passed several shady groups of people, including a gang of drunken middle aged men, three hookers, and two young guys crouched in an alleyway, exchanging money, both girls already had the measure of the part of the city they had landed in. The thought that they had landed in the worst part of town did not comfort them, and they were taking pains to keep their heads down, to move quickly, and not draw attention to themselves.

"Well we did leave in a hurry..." Jess agreed, glancing down at the large Nightwish t-shirt she had slept in, and the dark purple pyjama pants that were just visible beneath the dark purple trench coat – Jess had swiped the coat from Adrian's laundry a few days ago, and was hoping that the Librarian would not miss it, for she was very attached to the colour.

Tash herself was no better, wearing her black jeans, and a nightshirt that stated "I am NOT a morning person..." in large letters across her chest. She was wearing the same blue trench coat that Adrian had given her so many months ago in the Fate/Stay Night fandom. Even now she couldn't help but think of the disaster that mission had been, and she hoped that this coat would not prove unlucky in such a dangerous fandom.

"We did," she nodded. The two girls had immediately grabbed their brief on Alina's actions from the computer, before heading to the weapons room to arm themselves to the teeth. Though they both possessed their own weapons (staff, body piercing needle and giant killer handbag deluxe version), they both knew that these were useless in a world where the fighting was done with guns at long distance, and not at close range. Maybe if they had been in the Rise of the Lycans part of this fandom, back when fighting was done with swords and spears, their regular weapons would have been fine, but for now, along with their usual Society gadget armoury, they were both armed with two handguns each, one with bullets of silver nitrate, and one with UV rounds. They were hoping that they would not have to use them though.

"Still," Jess gave her friend's coat a frown. "You couldn't have chosen a darker colour so we could blend in better?"

"I like this coat," Tash protested, before blushing as she realised how defensive she had sounded. "It smells like him..." she muttered, tugging it tighter around her body. Jess snickered.

"Ah to be young and with your first boyfriend..."

"I'm older than you!" Tash reminded her, her cheeks turning pinker. "And besides, you seem perfectly happy with your captured musicians."

Jess gave a grin that was anything but innocent. It was a well known fact in the Society that she had taken to using her room in the Library as a den of sin to 'entertain' various members of heavy metal bands (unsurprisingly, mostly from Nightwish).

"Any ideas how we're going to find this, Alina woman?" she asked.

"Not a clue," Tash admitted. "But I think if we wonder around this area enough, eventually a vampire or lycan will find us and give us somewhere to start..."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth, when there was a loud howl, and the wall to their immediate left exploded outwards in a shower of brick and concrete. Jess and Tash backed away hastily as a mess of matted dark fur emerged from the wreckage, snarling and baring teeth at them.

"Lycan," Jess stated, yanking one of her guns from her coat and unloading two rounds of silver nitrate bullets into the beast's skull. The immortal gave a pained screech, writhing in the wreckage, its claws scrabbling helplessly at the chunks of brick that littered the street.

A familiar face appeared in the space that had, ten seconds ago, contained a wall. Short dark hair framed electric blue eyes and skin that was so pale it was almost white. It was Selene, gun raised and her expression stony as she watched the Lycan's fur shrink back into its skin, and its body crack and twist as it regressed to human form again.

"Its dead," Jess stated firmly, replacing her gun as another figure jumped from the rooftops above their heads. Jess and Tash couldn't help but gulp. It was Michael in his hybrid form, and both girls couldn't help but realise how much more dangerous he looked in the flesh. Suddenly asking them for help looking for Alina didn't seem such a good idea – they were both perfectly capable of killing them just for what they had witnessed. Selene however, appeared to have another train of thought.

"You have silver nitrate rounds," she stated to Jess, her voice carrying a hint of demand. "Who are you two?"

"They're here to kill me!" came a cool voice from the rooftop. Tash and Jess turned just in time to see another hybrid land on their other side. Her skin was black, as were her eyes, and a pair of leathery bat-like wings extended from her back. They quickly shrunk back into her body however, and her skin turned back to a fair shade, her eyes regressing to a bright blue. She had long brown hair that fell to her waist, and somehow managed to stay out of her eyes no matter how much she moved.

Jess's brain was working rapidly – they couldn't take on all three at once, so her best bet was to Copyright Michael and Selene, so they didn't have to fight them too. She gave Tash a nudge in warning, before pressing her fingers briefly to her pentagram tattoo, and praying that something cool would happen.

An explosion of flames erupted from the concrete, blocking Alina from advancing. The Sue stumbled back briefly in shock, which gave Jess and Tash enough time to slap Copyrights on the stunned canon character's foreheads.

"Quick thinking Jess," Tash congratulated, as Michael and Selene shook their heads as though waking from a bad dream.

"What's going on?" Selene asked, as an angry shriek appeared from the other side of the flames. Alina ripped out her guns and fired. Tash and Jess scrambled for cover as Selene returned with her own bullets, and Michael shifted into hybrid form to counter the threatening immortal.

"Y'know," Jess stated to Tash. "Alina is up against another hybrid, and a Death Dealer who has enhanced strength from Alexander we really need to do anything?"

Tash tilted her head to the side, thinking for a minute, before she grinned. "Y'know, I don't think we do... you got any popcorn?"

She had only been joking, but Jess dug around in her handbag anyway...

...and let out an unholy shriek which attracted the attention of all three feuding immortals.

"What the crap?" Tash demanded as Jess dropped her bag and scurried behind the Society leader for protection.

"OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!" Jess's panic was bordering on hysteria, as her bag wriggled and a bald, wrinkled head appeared, looking around curiously. The creature looked very much like a baby which hadn't fully finished developing. Tash pulled a face.

"Wait... Jess is that...?"

"Leonard!" Jess screamed, squeezing her friend's arm tightly, her whole body shaking...

...except it wasn't just her shaking. The whole earth began to quake, and an angry glow emanated from Jess's tattoo. Winds picked up fiercely around the group, followed by a flood of water, and tongues of flame, which whirled around in the miniature hurricane, sending everyone flying flat to the ground.

Suddenly, the chaos vanished, leaving a broken, scorched and partially flooded street behind it, and Jess was slumped against the ground unconscious. Tash, recognising the symptoms of a full blown panic attack, and knowing that they didn't have time to wait until it was over, had slammed the hilt of her gun into the back of her friend's head, knocking her out immediately.

Throughout all of this, Leonard was crawling his way towards Michael with a look on his face that could almost pass for hunger...

...until Selene shot him in the foot with a silver bullet, and Tash had the sense to seize Jess's bag and dump it over the deformed creature. Scooping him up, she yanked the zip tightly shut, before dropping the bag in disgust.

"That was one of the most disgusting and frightening things I've ever had to do..." she stated. "I see why Jess is terrified of him..."

She glanced around, suddenly realising that someone was missing.

"Where did Alina go?" she demanded. Selene didn't answer with words, and instead began unloading bullets twenty feet away. Alina had crawled away from the wreckage and was scrambling through a hastily summoned plot hole. A scream and a shower of blood was the only impression the bullets left as the hole sealed up again.

"Bollocks!" Tash shouted, stamping her foot angrily.


"...and then I shoved my hand in and felt something slimy and there were these eyes looking back at me and I...ewwww!"

Jess was still freaking out an hour after waking up. Tash had dragged her back to the Library after ensuring that the Underworld fandom had been restored and the characters had had their memories wiped. The Society had been unsure of what to do with Leonard, until Adrian had suggested putting him in a cage, and locking him in the Room of Things Man Was Not Meant to Know, an idea with which everyone agreed.

Upon revival, Jess had immediately ordered her bag to be emptied for the first time in ages (a monumental task in itself). Food had been thrown away, medicine was being replaced, and the rest of her possessions were being disinfected as they spoke. Jess herself had taken a long hot shower, had the lump on the back of her head inspected by Valerie (while the healer berated Tash for being so violent), and was now curled up in one of the armchairs in a large fluffy purple dressing gown with a steaming mug of coffee.

"How did Leonard even survive in the bag?" Valerie asked, as she finished with Jess's head injury. "I thought he needed a host to attach himself too? Isn't that why he was killing all those people in the X-Files fandom?"

"Probably the concoction of chemicals in Jess's handbag," Tash mused having cleaned up and changed back into her own pyjamas. Jess gave another frightened squeak, and both girls sighed.

"Calm down Jess," the leader soothed. "Leonard is locked away nice and tight. He won't be haunting you anymore..."

"Except in my nightmares," Jess whimpered. Valerie looked upset to see Jess in such distress, and Tash gave her friend's back a cautious glance.

"You're going to need to learn to control that tattoo... we can't have you demolishing your room each time you have a nightmare..."

"I can help," Valerie offered. "I'm good with emotional magic."

Jess gave her a grateful look. Harriet strode into the room at this point, managing to look incredibly impressive despite the fact she was balancing a tray of food precariously in her arms.

"I have provisions!" she declared, several biscuits sliding off the tray as she set it on the table.

"M'not hungry..." Jess muttered. Harriet frowned and waved a long plastic bag in her face.

"Not even for a meatball marinara subway?"

Despite herself, Jess's mouth twitched slightly.

"Did you get me a foot long?" she asked, in a tone laced with innuendo. Harriet smirked.

"Of course. Only a foot long for my favourite lover."

"Hati!" Tash wailed. "I thought I was your favourite lover!"

"Shh!" Harriet covered Tash's mouth and plonked a Subway bag in her lap too. "You're my secret lover darling... and I got you a foot long too, so don't be jealous."

She picked up a shortbread biscuit and began to munch.

"So the Sue got away?"

"Yup," Tash nodded, digging her teeth into her sub. "She's wounded though, which is a plus..."

"But it doesn't excuse her for getting us both up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning!" Jess suddenly yelled with renewed anger and determination. Tash's eyes opened wide and she gasped.

"That's right! She'll pay for waking us up at seven am, especially on a weekend!"

They struck identical poses, and lightning flashed dramatically behind them. The other Society members in the room exchanged looks. Harriet smirked.

"See, all it takes to revive a fighting spirit is a Subway..."

"But where did the lightning come from?" Valerie asked curiously.

At this point, Adrian, who had been standing at the door unseen by everyone else, suddenly cleared his throat. Apparently he was the reason for the lightning crash.

"Just thought you'd both like to know," he fixed Tash and Jess with a look. "As of five minutes ago, Underworld is on the Black List, and you two are now dusting the biography section until I'm happy!"

"...bollocks," both agents said together.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Insert Calculating Strategist Here

"Sigh..." Doug huffed as he and Ben were dressed with aprons and carrying mops, mopping the floor of the Library. Today, they've managed to finish the common rooms and are now starting on the corridors. But a grandfather's clock chimed four times across the Library, noting time for tea.

"Ah, finally. Ben, wanna head for the kitchen? I've been dying for some of your Firebrand whiskey," said Doug, putting the mop into the pail, half-filled with dirty water from all the mopping.

"Sorry Doug, I just ran out of the stuff. Tell you what, I'll be sure to share it with you when I get a new flask," replied Ben, keeping the mop into the storeroom before heading off to the TV area. Doug nodded and kept his mop into the storeroom as well. He then headed into the firing range, where screams of the word 'DIE!' had been going all afternoon. He looked in and saw Rhia with her 'Plot Bunny Sniper Rifle', killing off slash pairing plot bunnies.

"Rhia, what's the body count?" asked Doug. Rhia stopped and looked at Doug, lowering down her rifle.

"So far, 25 kills. There's still more running about," replied Rhia, pulling out the clip off her rifle and reloading with a new clip.

"Mind if I get some target practice?" asked Doug, pointing at the box next to Rhia. Rhia nodded. Doug left and came back minutes later with an M4A1 SOPMOD (Special Operations Peculiar Modification) and started blasting rounds at typically 'wrong' slash bunnies. After 300 bullets, 7 grenades and a bundle of TNT, they were still enjoying the hunt. Eventually, Doug was stopped when a ball of soap the size of a cricket ball flew and hit him on the head.


"Ow!" wailed Doug in pain as he lost balance and fell down. Rhia stopped and looked at where the soap came from. It was Harriet, looking as though she had just thrown a winning bowl. There were traces of soap on the floor to show that the soap did bounce off the floor and to Doug's head. Harriet stood straight and folded her arms, looking disappointed.

"Douglas Kreig, your tea break was over 15 minutes ago. Back to work," stated Harriet, pointing out the door. Doug sloppily walked out when the Library alarm rang.

"Saved by the bell," thought Doug as the three of them headed to the Sue tracker rooms.


"It was a while, but we finally found her trace. But she managed to gather an army right under our noses. Looks like we have to get the entire Society again," explained Valerie, with pop-up windows flashing all about the computer screen. Harriet stood still and was in thought. Doug spoke straight away.

"That will not be necessary. My author prepared an army for this fandom; a direct reason why we nuked her in the first place," said Doug. Harriet turned and talked to Doug.

"Then why did you join the Society in the first place? You have a multitude of weapons in your arsenal."

"But we don't have the Sue-tracking technologies the Society has, and the armies my author maintains are not built for pursuing Sues. We still have to go in and capture her the old-fashioned way." Harriet nodded at the explanation and returned to her thinking. Then she spoke.

"We'll have to ask Adrian permission for this fandom. And also, we'll have an Agent to go in with you," said Harriet, still thinking on who to send in. Some are still recovering from the previous fandom, especially Tash who was mistakenly fed with Coke (she still has to go through insulin shots to reduce the sugar's effects) and Karissa, who was knocked out by the Sue.

"I'm blank, do you have any extra needs?" asked Harriet.

"Well, we need a spy of some sorts…" replied Doug, as he got his mind to work out the use of a spy.

"Valerie, call Cristoph. We've got a new assignment for him," said Harriet and Valerie reached for the telephone. Doug put out a hand, stopping Valerie from calling. He was holding some sort of GPS scanner with four white dots and an extra dot not far from where they are. Doug looked at the location and pointed at a corner.

"He's there," said Doug. Cristoph warped out from his camouflage and walked towards them.

"I have recently trained in the arts of concealing heat and was beaten by a tiny monitor?" exclaimed Cristoph.

"Heartbeat monitor, Cris, something I nicked off from the Call of Duty fandom. But trying to get your heart to stop beating, its suicide," remarked Doug.

"James Bond did it in 'Die Another Day'; so can I," replied Cristoph proudly.
"Stop it, both of you! We got a Sue in a fandom and we need to take her into custody. Got it?" said Harriet. Cristoph reacted with a bow; Doug with a salute. They both left and Harriet sighed.

"A military man and a ninja. There's not one day where either one tries to hide and find each other," commented Harriet, taking the receiver from Valerie and calling Adrian.


Adrian steps forward to the door in the encyclopaedia section. He looked at the pen-shaped key he had on his palm.

"When Ben entered, he was chased by bears. Tash went in and found herself in a plane full of terrorists. I hope I don't appear in the middle of a battlefield," thought Adrian as he put the key in and opened the door. He hopped in with his Hoshikuzu, hoping not to land between two warring armies.


Adrian found himself falling down. He looked around and saw birds and clouds. He looked down and saw the big, blue ocean.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN I HAD IMAGINED!" yelled Adrian as he plummeted down 1500 feet to the vast ocean.


He was underwater for a moment, but he managed to swim up to the surface and keep himself afloat. He looked around and saw nothing but oceans. He started to panic, as he was the only thing in the vast, blue sea. Then a drone of helicopter engines caught his ear. He looked around and saw a helicopter heading towards him. It was coloured in white and red; normal colour for a Coast Guard helicopter. The helicopter hovered above him and a coast guard came down on a rope line. He grabbed Adrian and the winch pulled them up to the helicopter. Another coast guard handed Adrian a towel. Adrian dried himself as the helicopter headed for dry land.

"How far is the shore from here?" asked Adrian.

"There is no shore in this world, sir," replied the coast guard. Adrian took a long time to figure out the world he's in.


The helicopter arrived in a very big island, but it was no normal island. It was a huge, mobile island, with gun turrets and anti-air defences scattered all around the island. The author came out from a building in the island and greeted Adrian.

"Welcome to my floating island fortress, Adrian. How was your trip here?" greeted the author.

"Other than being in the middle of the ocean, yea, it was okay," replied Adrian sarcastically.

"By the way, where exactly are we?" asked Adrian.

"The scientists call it the right hemisphere of the brain; I call it 'imagination'," replied the author in a sarcastic tone to compete with Adrian's sarcastic comment. Adrian just nodded. The author showed the way to the building built into the floating fortress. They walked through the narrow walkways to a monorail which passes through parts of the complex; like how you would see it in Half-Life. There were bays of parked tanks, bays for jets and their pilots, bays for hovercrafts for transporting the frontline troopers, a bay where they load payloads into missiles, training grounds for soldiers and labs for testing new weaponry and equipment. They eventually passed a bay where a giant walker was being prepped and welded. Adrian looked in awe.

"The frontline command centre. It will produce the rest of the military to suit the battlefield's needs. Isn't she a beauty?" said the author in an Australian accent. Adrian turned and looked at the author.

"You thought of all this in a fortnight?" asked Adrian, surprised that the author can create all this in a fortnight since Maya was trapped in the Command and Conquer fandom.

"Actually, it was more than a month. New units are created as soon as a new Command and Conquer game is announced," replied Doug. The monorail slowed down and stopped at a station which immediately led to the heart of the floating fortress; the control room. There were many characters that were in the Call of Duty fandom in the control room, manning the computers that will send commands to the army once they have landed into the fandom. The author's friend, Terry also was there, looking at the big monitor at the front of the control room.

"That explains the character usage," commented Adrian, but was too soft for the author to pick up. The author picked up a microphone nearby and announced.

"Attention all personnel, we are about enter a plot hole. Please get into the fortress before the insertion commences." Outside, soldiers and personnel rushed indoors as a giant ray cannon came out from the depths of the island fortress. Once the surface of the fortress was empty, all the personnel in the control room opened the cover for keyholes and inserted a key. They all turned it in sequence, like you would see in the Olympics Synchronized Swimming Event. Then the author opened his switch console, inserting his pen-shaped key, twisting it and pushing the red button. The ray gun outside fired out light rays, opening a plot hole in the middle of the ocean. The plot hole acted like a black hole; sucking everything closest to it. The fortress began to vibrate violently as it entered the plot hole, but due to its size, it felt no more than a little tremor. Once the fortress entered the plot hole, the plot hole closed, sealing the author's imagination world from the fandom world.


The floating fortress appeared in the Command and Conquer fandom, specifically called Red Alert 3. The floating fortress started to transform like a huge Transformer, opening decks to reveal the units that will be used in a war against Maya. Hovercrafts came out of the fortress and raced to the shore. Artillery shells bombarded the hovercrafts, most were misses. Jets flew past and destroyed the beach defences, paving way for the hovercrafts to land. Troops poured out of the hovercrafts, gunning down any resistance inland. Two giant walkers came out and headed for shore, where they deployed into fully-established bases. New units were built and strike forces were ready for confronting Maya's forces. Little propeller cameras came out from the frontline command centre so Adrian and the author can take a look at the battlefield in the safety of the floating fortress. In the control room, the author and his friend entered rooms that oversee the big screen of the control room. Adrian, seeing them entering the rooms, asked a question.

"What do I do then?" asked Adrian.

"You can stay here and watch the fireworks or go into the battle and risk your trench coat," the author replied. Adrian shuddered at the thought of his beloved trench coat disintegrated into pieces, and decided to stay. The author set himself in a chair with headphones over his head and a computer in front of him; he began to do some simple mouse clicks. That in fact controlled a battalion in the screen to move.

"To the author, this is all a game. I wonder how the boys are holding up," thought Adrian.


"Okay, Cristoph. You go in as an Imperial Shinobi and try to observe Maya's movements. If she changes to a new location, report to me through this radio," said Doug, handing Cristoph a radio. Cristoph indicated he wouldn't need a radio.

"I'm a ninja. I can communicate through Algazdun," replied Cristoph, with the hawk perched on his shoulder. The hawk squawked in agreement. Doug continued to push the radio to Cristoph.

"Just in case the birdie got shot down. There are not many birds in this fandom," said Doug. Algazdun glared at Doug before screeching and scratching him. After for a full 5 minutes, Algazdun was content with the damage he did. Cristoph sighed and began descending the mountain into Maya's main base. Doug recovered from the bird attacks and continued to observe the base from the mountain peak.


Cristoph went into the base silently and hid behind a power plant. There were some Allied Peacekeepers patrolling with Soviet War Bears (the same ones that pursued Ben the last time). A War Bear began to sniff about, pointing to where Cristoph was hiding. Cristoph tried to remain silent and hoped the bear didn't sniff him out. The bear then turned its attention away from Cristoph. Cristoph heaved a sigh of relief. He continued on and reached near a barracks. An Imperial Shinobi came out of the barracks. Cristoph quietly neared the Shinobi and sliced him with his ninjato, then dragging him away from sight. He then dressed himself as the Shinobi, with the purple team colour of Maya's army, not a favourite of Cristoph.

"Yuck!" exclaimed Cristoph in disgust. Then a Japanese Imperial Warrior walked towards him. H was carrying a futuristic bullpup rifle and a katana next to him. The Imperial Warrior began to speak.

"(Manabu, where have you been? Maya's troupe has been waiting for you!)," said the trooper in Japanese. Although Cristoph is a ninja, his Japanese wasn't very good. He replied with a nod. The Imperial Warrior left to go back to his patrol duty and Cristoph headed to the command centre. There, he saw the prize of the Society; Maya with a group of Shinobis and katana-wielding Imperial Warriors surrounding her. He stepped into the group and pretended to guard Maya. They headed into the command centre.


Allied Apollo fighters took off from the airbases, but were shot down by the author's Alpha Raptor fighters. They then made a run for it; with Soviet MiGs after them. A group of Imperial Troopers surprised the ill-prepared Soviet air force. This cleared the way for Cliffhanger tanks and Gattling tanks to steamroll into Maya's airbase outpost. On board the floating fortress, the author and his friend were doing several mouse clicks and pressing hotkeys on their keyboards. This led to unit movement in the large screen, with the tanks and infantry levelling the base in seconds. The strike forces were ready for another roll; into Maya's main base.

"The only thing she's not overpowered in this game is that she sucks at it," commented the author.
"Yea, the computer bots were harder to deal than Maya… LOOK! Her units are scattered and firing at multiple targets while we're having a field day!" exclaimed the author's friend. Adrian remained silent throughout the chatter.


"No! Why aren't they destroyed after one shot? The author must be cheating. Those aren't even cannon units!" exclaimed Maya as she saw her units on the computer screen getting obliterated by the author's forces. Clearly she didn't know that in RTS games like Command and Conquer, units can take up to several hits before dying. And also, the author designed his units to suit the upcoming game, Command and Conquer 4, making him one step ahead against Maya.

"Eergh! Send the commandos!" commanded Maya.


The three female commandos of the Red Alert 3 fandom, Tanya, Natasha and Yuriko Omega, came out of the barracks and headed towards the oncoming Tiberium-esque forces. The commandos did considerable damage to the initial forces, ripping them apart. The author's forces retreated.

"Heh! See you laugh that off, author!" exclaimed Maya, mocking the author. Back in the floating fortress, the author and his friend did mouse clicks, making the rest of the forces retreat from the three commandos.
"She learned how to use commandos! How exciting!" exclaimed the author in an extremely bland manner. From the tone of his voice, you can tell he's mocking Maya.

"How can you mock her when she's got three of the best units of the game?" asked Adrian, after looking at the remaining of the author's forces retreat.

"Dear Adrian, best or not, there's a way to counter them. It's in game balance," replied the author as he made a few forward clicks on the monitor. From the tactics that the author and his friend employed, they managed to split the three commandos from each other and attack them when they're alone. Tanya was taken off with Gattling tanks, Natasha with a few Viper helicopters and Yuriko with Imperial Stormtroopers in APCs. Maya slammed her fist on the table, infuriated by the defeat of her three, most powerful units.

"THAT-IS-NOT-POSSIBLE! They should've taken care of them without a break of sweat!" exclaimed Maya, starting to pull on her shortened hair (thanks to Vespin) out of stress. Obviously, she doesn't know that although the three commandos are powerful, they're not Sues like her. Back in the control room, the author's friend was laughing out loud. (And for you Instant Messenger users, it's lol)

"Now for a little surprise," commented the author, typing a few coded lines and pressed the 'Enter' button. Suddenly, waves of transport aircraft flew over Maya's base, dropping soldiers. Most of them were the author's characters.

"Wait, if they're there, then who's…" Adrian stopped as soon as he saw the empty computers in front of the control room. "Oh."


Doug was eating a cup of instant noodles at a cliff when transport planes flew above and began to drop soldiers into the base. He heard the radio crackle and he picked it up.

"Capture Maya, now," said the voice. Doug kept it, and threw his half-eaten instant noodles away and clipped himself to a rope at the edge of the cliff. He abseiled down the cliff at about the same time the soldiers reached the ground. He drew out his sword and regrouped with his siblings. They were all carrying the same sword as he was.

"Where's Melvin?" asked Doug. They all looked at each other until they heard of a person shoddily running towards them with bags hanging all around him. He had black hair and wore glasses. They helped him out by throwing off all his bags.

"I didn't know what to bring when the author commenced the drop, so I brought everything," said Melvin. His bags are filled with writing utensils, books and weapons from different ages. Doug sighed.

"Just your two most powerful weapons, Melvin," said Terry. Melvin took out an empty book and a pen. They all headed towards the door of the command centre, where several soldiers are ready to blast it through. They all leaned next to the wall and a soldier thumbed the trigger.

"Blow the charge," said Doug.


The door blasted open, and an automatic mini-gun that Maya had prepared, fired at the doorway. It smoked so much that the doorway was barely visible. The mini-gun overheated, and it stopped to assess the damage. The smoke cleared off, and not one soul came through the door.

"What the…" Maya stopped when the wall next to the doorway blew up, with laughing gas grenades flying through it. The units nearest to the grenades were the first to be affected by the gas, rolling on the floor laughing (rofl). A group of helmeted soldiers entered, destroying the mini-gun and gunning a few of Maya's personal guard. Her Shinobis acted fast, taking out the helmeted troopers, who are now properly called Imperial Guards. When the gas cleared, Doug, Terry, Ivan, Rina and Melvin entered, rushing in with their swords, slashing out all the guards, leaving Maya alone. They attempted to attack Maya, but she dodged them and landed near Cristoph.

"Shinobi, go!" commanded Maya, pointing at the siblings. Cristoph sighed and drew out his ninjato and pointed at Maya.

"You have bad colour choice," said Cristoph, pointing the ninjato at her throat. Maya quickly summoned her sword and deflected Cristoph's sword, then pushed him to the wall. She tried to stab him, but Doug was fast enough to push her sword away. He made a few slashes, with Maya dodging every one of them before she dodged to another corner. This time, Terry McCormick lunged at her and clashed with her sword. There was a bit of swirling around to see who dominates in the swordfight before Maya managed to find an opening and kicked him, sending him to a wall. Rina managed to grab hold of him to stop him from crashing into the wall. Ivan quickly tried to do a sneak attack at her, but Maya managed to block the attack and head to another corner. She experienced a twin's effect as she did a sword battle with Rina and Doug, seeing two characters of identical height but of different gender. She managed to escape that swordfight landing in front of Melvin. She stood up and saw Melvin writing something in his book. He tore out the page and threw it over Maya's head.

"Landslide!" Melvin said, and the paper turned into a landslide of mud and rock. Maya stared in shock as the mud and rock buried her underneath. When the landslide settled, Maya burst out of the sediments, looking all angry. Grappling Prohibitors flew at her grabbing her by the neck, arms and ankles. She began to lose her powers, but then she tried doing the same thing she did in the Call of Duty fandom. Before she could even scream, the Prohibitors sent a surge of electricity through her body, preventing her from even doing it until that power was drained from her. Doug, who was operating one of the Prohibitors, smirked.

"The same trick won't work twice, Maya," said Doug as Maya slumped to the floor. Doug, his siblings and Cristoph approached her and locked another five Prohibitors just to be safe. When Maya was all weak and powerless, unable to walk on her own, they carried her to an awaiting helicopter, with the author and Adrian waiting for them.

"Good job, Doug and Cristoph. The author is quite happy with what you did to get her," congratulated Adrian. Doug and Cristoph threw her into the helicopter and then entered in later. The helicopter took off and Adrian spoke.

"How did you get the idea that electricity stops the Sue?" asked Adrian.

"Jumper," replied Doug, making a reference to the movie.

"Ah, so when will the Grappling Prohibitors be ready for the Society?" inquired Adrian.

"Not for a long time Adrian. Production costs for one of these Prohibitors are enough to bankrupt the Society, so there are only five free units as a thank you gift from my author," replied Doug. The author nodded. Adrian and Doug looked ahead as the helicopter approached a plot hole.


"So what happened to Maya?" asked Tash, cured from her hyper-activeness, sitting on Adrian's desk. Adrian was sitting behind his desk.

"The author offered to take up his own mess and kept her in a Sue-proof cryo tube. There, he will cleanse her of her powers and memories, making her start off anew. So don't be alarmed if we see her next time we enter the author's world," replied Adrian, walking towards the office cabinet and keeping the folder about the mission into it.

"Hmm, I wonder if he could do the same with Willowe and the others," commented Tash. Adrian returned to his seat.

"Honey, let's not push our business on the author. Willowe and the rest are the Society's business," replied Adrian, which earned him an ear rub from Tash.


"…so that's what happened," said Doug, finishing his story with Ben and taking a shot of the Firebrand whiskey. Ben was amazed at Doug's story.

"Wow! Just accomplishing the mission puts us off the cleaning roster! Sweet!" said Ben, taking his shot of the whiskey. Then they heard something trotting past the kitchen doorway. It was Shirley.

"Just hold on a sec, Ben," said Doug, walking out the doorway. Minutes later, he reappeared in front of the doorway with a flamethrower.

"SHIRLEY! I'M GETTING YOU FOR EATING MY TERMITE FARM!" yelled Doug, running towards Shirley's direction, blasting the flamethrower. Minutes later, Doug was running in the opposite direction.

"AAAIIEYAAAAA! CRAZY MATCHSTICK!" screamed Doug as Shirley, in flames, but the fire didn't seem to affect her. She began chasing Doug in the Library, the smoke causing the fire alarms to go off.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Insert Lack of Living Killing Machines Here

Bored, bored, bored.

Yes, that was right; Karissa – despite being a new Agent of the sometimes quite hectic Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society – was bored.

She wandered through the Library's stacks aimlessly today, picking up books briefly before setting them back on the shelves, but nothing caught at her interest. She hadn't read a library book since the summer started. Her long fingers itched for a new title, and her brown eyes were fractionally twitchy – which you could tell only if you squinted really hard – but she was unable to sate her addiction. The Library Arcanium was impressive in so many ways, but even it couldn't produce books before they had been published in the real world.

She drifted, now, between the Fantasy and Sci-Fi shelves. Looking rather like a lost puppy, she rounded the farthest bookshelf to search out the Mystery section and almost jumped out of her skin when another Agent accosted her. "Jeez, Charis! You nearly gave me a heart attack." Karissa hated to give away the shock she'd experienced, so she adopted one of the sarcastic retorts of Chandler Bing from Friends.

Charis, for her part, didn't seem at all fooled by her sister's act. "Yeah, I nearly did, didn't I? Next time I'll do one better." The older-but-shorter girl tossed her long auburn hair over one shoulder charmingly. For a moment, her poise was perfect...and then she crumbled. "Karissa! I got lost in here more than an hour ago, and I can't get back outside! You know where my lab is." She shuffled closer to her sister, identical brown eyes opened wide, pleadingly. "Lead me to my lab, Ka-ris."

Karissa sighed. "I thought it was odd that you were inside. Fine, I'll take you back to where you belong. You're like a misplaced book."

"That I am," Charis agreed, immensely relieved that her sister would help her.

The two girls walked a while longer in that corner of the Library, and then suddenly Karissa tugged Charis through a gap between two carousels. Almost immediately, warm gold light washed over the pair. Karissa got ready to leave her grateful sister behind. "Wait, Kris!" Karissa responded obediently to her sister's voice, although she'd mangled her given name again in some parody of an affectionate pet name. She turned just in time to catch a well-thrown object tossed at her by her sister. "My latest invention! The prototype is courtesy of the ACMSES Science lab, and I'll give it to you in thanks."

Karissa smiled warmly in the direction of her sister. "You know just how to win me over with gifts."


An hour later, Karissa had returned to wandering – though she no longer appeared so aimless – and this time it was an apparently disembodied hand that loomed out of the shadows to scare her. "Ack! Tash!" Karissa clutched at her composure all the more quickly when she saw that the Society's de-facto leader faced her.

"Karissa, a while ago our computers picked up a signal in the DGray-man fandom. The signature didn't resemble that of a Sue, but then I added in those search parameters that you recommended... someone Bookmarked is certainly present in DGray-man."

"You think it's Lela?" Karissa guessed knowingly.

"I think it has to be. Only two Bookmarks have been activated so far, and the Protection Society would probably make it trickier to track their Agents."

"Alright, I'm on it-"

"Wait. DGray-man is a black-listed fandom, as you may or may not know. I'm afraid I'll have to require you to take a partner on your mission."

Karissa visibly blanched, her pale complexion becoming more ghostly than usual. "Charis-"

"Is needed here for her work. Besides, she has no weapons or abilities to defend herself with in a hostile fandom."

"None that she'd let you know about," Karissa muttered.

"According to the Librarian's rules you'll need one of the Society's founders to go in with you. Or we can ask Adrian himself, if you're comfortable with that."

Karissa shook her head a little too vigorously. "I'm sorry, no offence, but-" She couldn't bring herself to expand upon her height issues to the Society leader. It would sound too ridiculous, especially since Adrian wasn't all that much shorter than her.

"Well? I can't let you enter DGray-man alone." Tash frowned at what she thought to be simple stubbornness.
"I can contact my Author! She owes me one!" Karissa exclaimed in inspiration, excitedly pounding a fist into her other hand.

Tash blinked. "Wait, you're not a Self-Insert? That's what you listed yourself as on the application."

Karissa brushed past the trifle. "I get lazy when I fill paperwork. But if you need proof, my Author stated on her FanFiction profile that neither 'Karissa' nor 'Charis' was her real name."

An ominous rumble thundered in the distance. "NO. FOURTH. WALL. REFERENCES!"

"Oops. And I was so careful to avoid Adrian's attention- or anger – before now. Can I go?" Karissa turned a panicked face on her superior.

"Get your Author. Then run," was her pitying reply.

Karissa made tracks, glancing over her shoulder fearfully every few seconds until she was able to lock herself in her room.


"Remind me why I'm here with you again? I'm all for letting Lela have her dalliances. She's practically harmless, anyways."

Karissa and her Author had been walking together in a companionable silence up to this point, but the Agent was unaccountably glad that she wasn't the one to breach the quiet. "You're here because I needed company, and otherwise I would have informed the Society about that Sue-ish fanfic that you're writing with your friend on Facebook, even though you know better."

The deliberately masked Author could be said to wince at this utterance. "But Ren started it. I just wanted to collaborate with her, and she decided to write a World Ends With You fanfic where she ended up with Joshua. I didn't want Neku either! She forced him on me!"

"It doesn't matter! As long as you help me, no one needs to know about the affair! That's why this is called blackmail."

Karissa's Author lapsed into a hurt pout. "To think, my own creation turns on me."

"Hey you! Shut up!"

"I told you could call me 'Cay' for the time being. Just because I'm battling my mom on the whole privacy issue, that doesn't mean I appreciate 'hey you!'"

"Well, Cay, can you allow me to focus? We're nearly at the point where Tash informed us Lela would be. DGray-man is dangerous enough without a rogue half-Pureblood roaming the fandom, and who knows if Lela's acquired any other powers while she's been here?"

"She wouldn't have," Cay said confidently. "But I agree that the Akuma and the Noah, especially, are scary enough when considered by themselves."

"Right! So zip it, and let's not let Lela know that we're coming for her." Until now the two girls had been conversing in the airy expanse of a small Greek Island-esque town. Just then, they'd reached a house like any of the others, and now Karissa reached out a hand for the door. The moment that they stepped through the portal, Gate 9 of Noah's Ark deposited them inside the second Headquarters of the Black Order.

"Oi!" Alert, Karissa rolled into a fighter's crouch, invisibility slipping over her like a light, outer skin. However, no one in the room – a training room, by the looks of it – had paid them any notice. Most of the attention in the room was focused on a fight between a slender-but-muscled long-haired male and a short caricature of a Chinese martial arts master. Both Karissa and Cay recognized Kanda and Bookman instantly.

"This is Chapter 185," Cay said in recognition. "Kanda and Bookman fight, Allen and Marie are in the midst of a fight...and then the Third Exorcists arrive." She swung her head wildly to catch a glimpse of the manga's young protagonist. "I always loved that short fight scene between pages 09 and 14."

"Well, you're not going to see it," Karissa spoke tersely. "Look who's over there with Allen." Her finger pointed unerringly at the only head of white hair in the room – there was Allen Walker.

Allen was a 15-year-old Exorcist of British origin, a handsome teenage boy. His unique hair colour, cursed eye (marked by a pentacle) and "deformed" left arm marked him out from the other older Exorcists in the room. Of course, Allen's left arm was actually his parasite-type anti-akuma weapon. In this fandom, living weapons called Akuma were created by the antagonist, The Millennium Earl, in order to bring about a Doomsday-like scenario. Chosen wielders of Innocence - a divine substance able to harm and kill the Akuma – were called Exorcists, and they were recruited by the Black Order – working under the Church itself – to oppose the Earl.

Allen looked every inch how he was supposed to, but on his right arm hung an attentive and attractive girl who had no right to exist in DGray-man. Lenalee Lee, maybe, would have looked natural at Allen's side (although even that wasn't an official canon pairing yet), but Lela Persim Spica Clover Ginger Sarah Minnie Ono-Kuran definitely did not. Her short but lustrous dark hair, slender and robust figure, and iris-tinted eyes drew the human eye harshly towards her. In this fandom, her appearance was plain, but still Karissa and Cay were forced to look at her with loathing (albeit considerably less loathing on Cay's part).

As Cay had predicted, the Third Exorcists – half-breeds of human and Akuma genes – chose that moment to show up, and they did walk through the training hall like they owned the place, but this time no fight erupted between Allen and Goushi. Only Inspector Howard Link's sharp eyes caught the passing of the people of Crow. Because Allen was not fighting with Marie he was neither pushed into Goushi, and his Innocence did not provoke a reaction from Goushi's Akuma side that would have lead to a – let's face it – rather humiliating defeat on his part. In fact, Lela clung so tightly onto Allen's arm, nuzzling his shoulder with one porcelain cheek, that Karissa doubted if he could even stand up. Disgusted, she abandoned her concealment and marched right up to the Mary-Sue.

"Lela Persim Spica Clover Ginger Sarah Minnie Ono-Kuran, I hereby arrest you for protagonist harrassment!"

"Oh, it's you again." Somehow Lela hadn't noticed her own tagalong Agent until the very last second, but she didn't seem that surprised to see her. Attached to her hand, Allen tried to rise at last, but a murmured reassurance from Lela easily set him at ease. "My last name's not Ono-Kuran anymore. You were right, it was an alias particularly suited for my last fandom, nothing more. Now I claim the surname Kai-Lee. Get up to speed."

"Whatever!" Karissa scoffed. "Anyhow, isn't Allen a little young for you? He's 15, for crying out loud!"

The teenager in question looked affronted. "I look older than my age! And I'm good enough for Lela, regardless! Who is this girl?" Allen directed the last at Lela, truly confused. His cursed eye wasn't reacting (ergo it wasn't bursting out of his face, swivelling in warning) so all he knew for sure was that she wasn't an Akuma. She wasn't an immediate threat.

Lela shrugged his question off condescendingly. She no longer looked infatuated with the Exorcist, allowing her sincerely Sue-ish side to show. She shot back at Karissa, "Kanda's drawn too femininely for my tastes, Lavi's too immature, and I don't date above my age. That ruled out all the rest of the hot guys. The situation wasn't exactly ideal, I'll admit, but I convinced myself that it was better than a blind date."

"Ugh, must you always go after the men? I'm just surprised to see that you haven't tried to take over the fandom, like you elected yourself Queen in Vampire Knight."

"DGray-man's on hiatus since the mangaka injured herself. It's hard to warp too many events when the plot isn't moving."

"She has a good point," Cay noted, coming up belatedly behind her creations. Lela didn't recognize the person that was her Author as well; Cay's blank mask really must have worked wonders. "So you didn't need me for this trip, after all." Inside her red Pitter Patter Plaid coat, Cay carried a small notebook that her former Writing teacher had mandated all his students must carry. The backup plan had been that she would endow Karissa with some temporary skills to empower her in this fandom, and by simply tearing out a page in her notebook she could just as easily dispose of Karissa's extra abilities later on.

"I guess not," Karissa said grudgingly. She was frustrated – precious blackmail evidence gone! – but a deal was a deal. "I'm still going to take you in, Lela."

Lela threw off the arm of a thoroughly bemused Allen, who remained the only witness to this whole confrontation – the more experienced Bookman had just beat Kanda to a figurative pulp, raising cheers from the rest of the fallen, and effectively diverting all attention from this three-person showdown – before she stood up in a flash. "Here we go again. What makes you think you can catch me?" Lela pulled off an incongruous purple cap that had been resting on her head, and a pair of luxurious cocker spaniel ears cascaded down her shiny locks. "Your dog ears have been nothing but an aggravation. They don't actually do anything."

"Let me correct that." Karissa calmly took an object out of her red trenchcoat pocket, and this time around she allowed Lela to see what it was. It looked like nothing more than a Deluminator from the Harry Potter books. She flipped the lid, and when she pressed down on the trigger for the lighter... there was light. A bright flash of light illuminated the room, finally drawing any and all notice, and when the brightness died away Lela's ears (her dog ears) trailed to the floor. "A booklight makes errors in writing even clearer, for me, anyways. I always used my booklight at home to stay up late, read through a book for the second time, and dissect it. I can't help but notice mistakes even in works that I love. This Booklight emphasizes non-canon discrepancies in a fandom. Its cleansing light washes out all that's right and desirable, leaving behind anomalies like you that are vivid in contrast."

Lela shrieked in pure indignation, whether at her looks being further marred or being called an anomaly, it was uncertain. The characters that had been previously warped by her Sue powers even looked afraid of her, now. Kanda went so far as to give a sneer at the un-ladylike behaviour of the "Beansprout's" girl.

"Yeah, Charis says hi." Karissa put the Booklight back in her pocket, patting it satisfactorily, and that action was followed up with the disclosure of a standard Prohibitor. "I couldn't get our Author to bless this. But an ordinary Prohibitor should be good enough for a Level 1 Sue like you."

"Just try it!" Lela seethed. She was too angry to call up her own plothole, and Karissa knew that. Their Author had written Lela as someone tied to emotion in every way. She felt emotion comparably deeper than anyone else and, similar to an empath, her powers were therefore tied into her emotions. With no other options, Lela charged at the Agent, grappling against Karissa's grasping hands with some practiced blocks. Only an observer with a bird's eye-view could have seen her circuitous dance with Karissa lead eventually towards the opening of Noah's Ark. Cay had stood to the side, believing Karissa could handle the Sue by herself, and so she was the last person Lela passed when she finally managed to dash past her opponent to freedom.

"Good luck, Lela." Cay's voice was soft and sad. It disappointed her to see the girl so angry; her perfect countenance was meant to radiate with happiness born of a smile.

Lela turned marginally at the tug of recognition that assailed her. Falling backwards into the embrace of the Gate, she could just be heard to whisper in horror, "Oh no, it's you."


"What the hell did you say to her, Cay?"

"I wished her good luck, as I would for any of my creations."

"And what did she have to say about that?"

"She reacted much like you would. Hopelessly livid on the outside, she wouldn't hear me."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Insert Pun on Genetic Mutation Here


"Shirley's at it again," Aster commented, not even looking up from her manga as Ben came screaming past the door, which was slightly ajar.

"When is she not?" Jess mumbled.

Neither Aster nor Marcus, who was performing routine umbrella-maintenance in the corner, paid any attention to the fact that Jess was sitting upside down in an armchair, her head resting on her hands on the floor and her feet in the air – it was getting to be a fairly common sight in the Library Arcanium when she was trying to work something out for her latest novel.

"If you were an Italian gypsy with a motorbike living in France, would you call your daughter Amélie or Roxanne?" she asked.

"Amélie," Aster put in, as Marcus said "Neither."

Suddenly, a terrific sound echoed through the hallways. All three Agents looked up, aghast. It was like rhythmic thunder, pounding through the Library with the force of a storm...

"I'll get the Galaxy!" Jess made a movement towards the gargantuan purple handbag on the floor in front of her for the precious bar of chocolate, but it was too late.

With a crash, Tash kicked the door fully open and stomped into the room.

"Jess, your t-shirt's ridden so far up I can practically see your arse. Marcus, don't you have a report to file?"

"I'm just letting my tattoo..."

"I'll do it in..."

"Never mind! I need one of you to go into The X Files fandom. The computer's picked up..."

"X FILES!" Tash's words were drowned out by Jess giving a shriek and dramatically leaping to her feet.

"...are you sure?" Tash fixed a steely glare on Jess, who was flinging her handbag over her shoulder and attempting to strike a dashing pose (it should be noted that dashing poses only work on people who can see past their fringes). "I know what you used to be like about Mulder, and the threat seems to be coming from one of the earlier X Files seasons. You won't let anything interfere with your work...?"

"Oh, never." Jess put on her most solemn expression. "Besides, I love the X Files canon pairings far too much to mess this one up. So what am I up against?"

"It's too early to be sure, but we have what looks like a Sue-aged girl wandering into an episode about a circus-type thing and a small creature that chews on people..."

The other agents watched in some interest as Jess's mouth closed (a rare occurrence as it was quite unknown for her to ever stop talking) and her face went completely white.

"Not... Humbug?" she squeaked, her voice a good octave and a half higher than usual.

Tash checked a computer printout she held in her hand. "Yes, that's the episode name. Humbug. Apparently a new 'sideshow freak' has popped up who wasn't there before..."

"Oh good god." Jess sank into her armchair, the right way round this time. "That's... that's the Leonard episode."

"The what?" Tash raised her eyebrows. "Look, if you're not up to this..."

"I'm up for it." Jess took a deep breath and sat up straight. "You see, this is the only episode of The X File I've ever been scared of. The monster in it... well..." She gulped. "He's haunted my nightmares for years. But now I have the chance to..."

"No, you're not getting it drunk!" Tash interrupted.

"I wasn't going to suggest that! I was going to say, I finally have the chance to make my peace with it and see it's not really all that scary. And," she stood up again, clutching her handbag like a lifebelt. "I'll take as many invading Sues out as possible while I'm at it."

With a self-possession that was almost frightening to watch, Jess marched from the room, to face her issues (and the possible Mary-Sue) head on.

Tash shook her head. "I give her ten minutes."


Agent Dana Scully rolled her eyes. Her partner, Agent Mulder, was getting far too into this case, even though she had a niggling feeling it was supposed to be just a normal, run of the mill paranormal (well, not so normal then) case that could be solved in a couple of days.

People in the small circus town of Gibsonton, Florida, were being subjected to a terrible fate, and the recently-arrived FBI agents were getting no closer to finding out what was going on. Each victim was dying in the same way, with horrible wounds in their sides, all seemingly carried out with the same weapon. Yet there were no other similarities – they were people of all ages, races, religions... there was just no discernible pattern.

Yet somehow, one resident of the town was identifying each victim just hours before they met their maker.
Leonor Chelle Cassidy was fairly unusual, as winter residents of Gibsonton went. She didn't have a beard, she wasn't overtly tall or short, and she couldn't ram nails up her nose... not your average sideshow 'freak'. She stood a few inches above five feet tall with short black hair cut in a sweeping fringe across the side of her face. Despite her somewhat odd attire (for the early nineties, at least) of ripped skinny black jeans and a large Rolling Stones t-shirt, and the studs in her nose and tongue, there was something about her that pulled the residents of the town around her in a protective force. Maybe it was the big, trusting brown eyes and flawless white skin contributing to make her look a lot younger than her twenty two years, but it was certainly making her friends... Agent Mulder among them. He seemed to find her attempts at looking 'tough' somehow endearing.

Leonor claimed to have been cast out from a travelling funfair she had been part of for accurately predicting the demise of its bearded lady. She came to Gibsonton to get away from her 'cursed gift', but it had followed her in a horrible way. Whenever she mentioned this, those big brown eyes filled with tears in a way that had every male within a ten block radius sprinting for the tissues... but there was still something doubtful about her, at least to Agent Scully.

Could this girl have been causing the suspicious deaths? Was she the murderer? The fact that she had accurately told Mulder and Scully the names of the most recent three victims before they'd been found dead was a factor that led Scully to strongly believe the girl had something to do with it. Yet Mulder was convinced she was innocent.

Scully stood outside her trailer, looking over to where Leonor had assembled half of the men of the trailer park around her. From somewhere she had produced a guitar, and was singing in a voice so sweet it grated on Scully's ears. The men seemed happy, though, from the sappy grins on their faces. Seriously, Scully had never seen Mulder look so dippy. All of Scully's years of training were screaming that something wasn't right... but she couldn't for the life of her work out what it was. For goodness' sake, even she was starting to feel a little bit protective for this lonely girl, cast out from her home and so sad, so alone...

"Ugh, definite Sue." Suddenly, Scully realised she was not alone. As if from nowhere, a fairly young woman had materialised next to her. In a panic, she reached for her gun. "Oh, put that away, I'm here to help. I'm Jess. And I'm going to need your help here, so you need this." The girl was rummaging in a large purple handbag. With a flourish, she whipped a small object out, and Scully jumped about three feet into the air as Jess smacked a sticker emblazoned with a large letter 'C' onto her back.

"Oh!" Scully gasped. It was like her vision was clearing... Suddenly Leonor didn't look half so innocent, sitting over there with her little cluster of males.

"Copyright," Jess nodded wisely. "Now she is not meant to be here, and we have to get her out. I've been watching what she's been up to..." Suddenly Jess jumped, as a cat ran out from under the trailer. "Holy shit, I thought that was... never mind. Anyway, point is, she's not the one killing people, she doesn't even have a purpose here. She's turned up to warp The X Files and somehow get herself tangled up with Mulder."

"With Mulder?" Scully raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah, don't ask. Let's just say she's not supposed to do that..." Jess stopped herself from carrying on. After all, Leonor had plonked herself into Series Two of The X Files... Mulder and Scully's relationship wasn't set to develop for a while yet. Though it wouldn't develop at all if she couldn't get Leonor out of the way.

"Right, so what are we supposed to do? I'm meant to be working out this murder case, not sorting out lovesick, guitar playing..."

"Leave her to me," Jess's eyes narrowed. "You do your job, though try and get Mulder away from her as much as possible. I have a hint – you're not supposed to be hanging around here right now. I suggest you go and check out the local jail. There's a guy in there with a conjoined twin problem I think you might want to go and see."

As Scully obediently trotted off, dragging Mulder away from Leonor by the scruff of his neck, Jess sat back to wait until the impromptu concert was over. She hoped it would be soon. She knew that once Scully and Mulder reached the jail and saw Lanny, the man with an undeveloped conjoined twin called Leonard hanging off his side, there was going to be one hell of a chase scene that she didn't want to be in the middle of.

By the way, the murderer was Leonard, the conjoined twin. His brother was dying, and he knew it. In his undeveloped little mind, the only way he could survive was to find a new person whose side he could burrow into. Yes, he could detach himself at will. Yes, he was an exceedingly creepy looking creature, like a deformed baby with huge teeth. Yes, it was him that Jess had feared since watching the episode for the first time when she was thirteen. She had no desire whatsoever to still be around when he started tearing around the trailer park.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go to bed for the night," Jess realised Leonor was saying. "I'll play some more tomorrow..." She started to head back towards her trailer, Jess following a leisurely few paces behind.

Leonor strode confidently into her trailer, flinging her guitar onto the sofa and sighing happily. Suddenly she wheeled around.

"Do you think I didn't know you were following me?" she spat. Jess didn't flinch as the girl's eyes flashed. Not so trusting and innocent any more – more like evil and glittering. Typical Mary-Sue, Jess thought calmly.

"Then you know why I'm here," she said, nonchalantly. "Are you going to come quietly or am I going to have to take you out?"

"Come quietly? I'm not going anywhere with you." Leonor pulled out a small gun from her pocket and swung it around her finger.

"You're going to tase me?" Jess raised her eyebrows in disbelief, recognising the weapon. "Come on, surely you've got something more interesting than that up your sleeve..."

"Oh yes," Leonor nodded.

Aha, Jess thought. Why is it that Sues always have such a desire to show off about their masterplans? Jess reached slowly into her pocket, hoping that Leonor wouldn't see her inching her way forward with her Prohibitor.

"Yes, come close, that'd make it so much easier," Leonor laughed a tinkling laugh. "You see, I've been nosing around this series of The X Files and I've found these useful little implant things... once you're unconscious, I'll insert it into you and you'll be under my control... I knew I'd attract your attention by coming into The X Files, you see I've done my research... You're one of the weaker agents, you're so easy to overcome. I'll be able to cause so much havoc in that Society of yours..."

"I'm sure you will," Jess said nicely.

"Though I'll have to change some things," Leonor ruminated. "I mean, you call yourself a metal fan? Nightwish aren't metal..."

"You what?" Jess leapt back in shock. "Now that's going too far!" In an instant, she'd rammed the Prohibitor back into her pocket and reached into her handbag to pull out her faithful body piercing needle, and with her famous battle cry lunged forward.

Now usually in this kind of situation a Mary-Sue would jump backwards, shrieking "no, no, not my beautiful flawless skin!" However...

Leonor stood her ground.

"Oh come on," she said, sticking out her tongue to reveal the tiny diamond stud. "Do you think I'm going to care about being pierced?"

"Oh." Jess stopped in her tracks. "Bugger."

"And don't you dare even try seducing me, I'm straighter than a metre ruler. I know your tricks, Miss Leather."

"Oh... bollocks." Absently, Jess reached around to scratch her back. "Um..." Instantly, all her Society training seemed to vanish. She'd never come across a Sue who wouldn't flinch away at her needle before, and she didn't have time to plug in her straighteners and cause damage that way.

Suddenly, Jess realised her new tattoo was feeling really itchy. She'd been told not to scratch it, but hey, she was about to be put under the control of a Mary-Sue. Why not go out minus an annoying itch? She gave the bottom left point of the pentagram a quick scratch...

And the trailer exploded.

"What the fuuuuuuck..." Jess yelled as she was catapulted through the air. It was like the ground beneath the trailer and risen up and burst through the walls and floor, sending both Jess and Leonor zooming up through the ceiling. Jess could hear Leonor shrieking somewhere next to her as they both hit the ground with identical thuds.

It was like Jess's wits had been returned to her with the shock of the explosion. She rolled over and bounced onto her feet, pulling out the Prohibitor from her pocket and snapping it onto Leonor's wrist before the stunned Sue could react.

"Yes!" Jess whooped. "You're coming with me, girl!" With a quick snap of the Plothole Generator she wore on a chain around her neck, Jess opened a portal to the Library and dragged Leonor through.


"Well done, Jess," Tash patted her on the back as she made sure Leonor was securely sulking in the Basement of the Library. "Quick thinking there."

"But what I want to know," Jess said slowly. "Is why the ground did that kind of erupty thingy? Why did the whole bloody trailer explode?"

"Me and Adrian have a theory," said Tash as the two agents started up the stairs back to the main Library. "You said you had the overwhelming itch on your tattoo? Well isn't the pentagram one of the most powerful magical symbols you can get?"

"Well... yes..."

"And they can be said to represent earth, fire, wind and water controlled by the spirit? Maybe it was something to do with that..."

"You mean I'm actually getting some magical ability?" Jess looked truly shocked. "Bloody hell... Wow. Man, now I need a drink..." She reached for her handbag to find her trusty emergency hip flask. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed.

"What's the matter?"

"When the trailer exploded, my handbag was still in there! I've got to go and get it!"

"Look out for Leonard!" Tash called after her as Jess activated her Plothole Generator.

Jess picked through the remains of Leonor's trailer, desperately searching for her big purple lifeforce. Without that handbag, she was useless. It had everything in it – it had similar properties to the famous carpet bag belonging to Mary Poppins, and contained everything from Nurofen to Galaxy chocolate, along with Jess's much needed supply of sugared almonds and four-colour pens.

"Hey, who are you?" Jess looked up to see Agent Mulder standing over her.

"Oh, hi, I'm just looking for my handbag," she said€, blushing at the sight of the character she had such a big crush on for so many years. "Have you seen it? Purple, leather, rattles a lot..."

"No, I haven't, sorry. Have you seen a small humanoid creature, covered in blood, answers to Leonard?"

"No..." Jess leapt to her feet in fear. "Is he around here? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my good freaking god. Leonard's on the loose and I don't even have my handbag... shiiit..."

"Calm down," Mulder laughed. "We have a theory... you know the geek here?"

"What, Lee's here?" Jess shook her head in surprise at the thought of her friend from Real Life turning up in the X Files fandom. What the hell was going on?


"He's the biggest geek in the world, you know, computerish, spends a lot of time listening to podcasts, studies far too hard for his exams..."

"No, not that kind of geek!" Mulder laughed again. "Are you not from around here? We're in a circus town, a geek is a really weird kind of person..."

"Oh, the guy who looks like a walking doodle?" Jess nodded in comprehension.

"Yes, that's the one. Well, he was around the area where Leonard escaped... and he eats anything. And now he's complaining of a stomach ache..."

"I see..." Jess visibly relaxed. "Well, thank god for that... my handbag!" Forgetting Mulder entirely, she flung herself across the wreckage. "Oh and it's not even damaged! Thank god!"

"Bye then..." Mulder waved and started to leave. Jess didn't even notice; she was so pleased to see her handbag again.

As Jess flung it happily over her shoulder to make her way back to the Library, she didn't notice that it was somewhat heavier than usual... or twitching slightly.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Insert Overuse of Nuclear Devices Here

Adrian was walking around with a brown file in hand. The file had the name 'Call of Duty 4' imprinted on the cover. Apparently, he had been finding Doug for the past hour in dealing with the fandom Maya had recently entered, where the Society's computers picked up the Bookmark signal. He walked past the kitchen and found Tash munching on a sandwich.

"Tash, have you seen Doug?" asked Adrian.

"Well, not since this morning since I went past his booby traps to get to his sandwich… THIS IS GOOD!" Tash said with her mouth full of the creamy concoction of condensed milk and Milo powder.

"Is that the Milo sandwich?" asked Adrian, his mouth watering. It was watering so much that Tash noticed it and quickly stuffed the sandwich into her mouth. Adrian frowned.

"Come, my little kitten. Let's find our missing Agent," said Tash, walking out of the kitchen and patting Adrian's head. His tail stood erected. They went to his lab and found no one in it. They then went past the Library common room and found Ben, acting out of character, reading a book.

"Ben, have you seen Doug?" asked Tash. Ben turned around and looked at the two leaders of the Society.

"Since when do you read a book?" asked Adrian. Tash nudged him so Adrian would stay on topic.

"Oh, he told me that he's back in his world to test a piece of new equipment for the Society," replied Ben, returning to his book. The leaders though for a while before remembering Doug told them about a portal into his world, and needing a key. They also remembered eavesdropping that he gave one of the keys to Ben so that Ben could get him when the Society needed him. Tash spoke.

"Ben, as de facto leader of the Society, I demand the key…" She stopped as soon Ben tossed a pen-shaped key to her, the same ones used by Rina and Terry. Tash was speechless for a moment.

"I though he said not to give the key to anyone else," commented Tash.

"He knew you were eavesdropping and he'd get keys for you and Adrian after the testing. By the way, the last time I went there, I was chased by an army of War Bears, only to be saved by a pack of dolphins," replied Ben, his eyes sticking to his book. Tash and Adrian stared at him awkward and left him for the encyclopaedia section. The book Ben was reading was 'Dealing with Bears for Dummies'.

Tash and Adrian reached the encyclopaedia section and pulled out the door-sized encyclopaedia of the word 'Guardian'. They set it down and saw a key hole matching the pen-shaped key Ben gave to them. Tash unlocked it and opened the door. They couldn't see beyond the door because it was dark.

"Adrian dear. Why don't you set the conference room while I fetch our Agent," said Tash, pecking him on the cheek. The Librarian purred in satisfaction. Adrian left while Tash summoned her staff and entered the portal, feeling prepared to face anything that may befall on her.


"We're going deep, and we're going hard," said a masked man with a German accent. He turned on a welding torch and began cutting.

"Surely, you can't be serious," commented a masked man with an American accent.

"I'm serious," replied the German masked man.

"And don't call me Shirley," said a third masked man with a Russian accent. The German masked man finished cutting, then punching through the cut he made. The three masked men dropped from the ceiling and observed their surroundings which look like an interior of a commercial airplane. With MP5 SMGs in hand, they quickly took cover behind corners and waited. They heard someone flushing the toilet and a terrorist came out from it. The American rushed and stabbed the bugger.

"Weapons free," declared the German, firing at another two terrorists down the aisle.

"X-ray down at Section-One-Alpha," announced the Russian. The American fired a few shots and hid behind the seats.

"X-ray down!" announced the American. They moved forward and found terrorists coming from another section of the airplane.

"Gas deployed," said the German, pulling the pin and throwing a grenade at the terrorists. A gas came out of the grenade canister, which made the terrorists begin to laugh uncontrollably. They gunned them down and went through to the next section of the aircraft. They fired at a group of terrorists hiding behind some seats. The bullets ricocheted and poked holes on the plane's hull.

"We've got a hull breach! Get down! Get down!" exclaimed the German.


The plane had a gaping hole on the fuselage, which immediately decompressed the entire area and sucked the terrorist out. The aircraft began to tilt a bit before readjusting level. The three soldiers moved forward and walked up to the second deck of the plane. More terrorists await them. The German threw another gas grenade at the terrorists and moved forward. The terrorists were laughing uncontrollably, dropping their arms and curled on the floor of the deck. After going through the last section of the airplane, they moved to the conference room where the target is located.

"Watch you fire up here. We're looking for…" said the German before the door of the conference room burst opened and a terrorist was holding Tash at gunpoint. The German pulled out his pistol and shot the terrorists through the leg and the head. Tash dodged and cowered on one side of the plane. There was a beeping sound coming from an open briefcase.

"Shit! Someone's armed the bomb. We don't have much time, we've got to go, now," said the American.

"Preparing to breach," said the Russian, planting a C4 explosive at the aircraft door. He hid behind some chairs and pushed the trigger. The C4 exploded, creating a hole where the door used to be. The German slung his submachine gun behind his back and pulled Tash off the floor.

"We're going for a little freefall, mate! On your feet!" Tash could only scream in horror as they jumped off the airplane. The American followed; the Russian soon after lifting a beer keg.

"Mission accomplished!" exclaimed the Russian.

"See ya next time, mate!" replied the German before the airplane exploded in mid-air.


Tash passed out when they leaped off the airplane. Now she found herself waking up on a log with bits of the parachute covering her. The surroundings showed that she was near a lake with the forest around her and mountains in the distance. She found herself at a campfire, with a beer keg and three faces looking into the fire. One of them was Doug.

"Woken up already, Tash?" asked Doug, looking at her. Tash rubbed her eyes and sat herself comfortable on the log she was sleeping.

"What just happened? Where are we?" asked Tash, bewildered.

"Don't worry. We're safe on the ground. Mind you, my eardrums almost exploded when you screamed in horror," replied Doug. The American blonde and the silver-haired Russian let out a small giggle.

"Who are they?" asked Tash, pointing at the other two characters.

"They're my brothers, Terry McCormick and Ivan Gredenko," replied Doug. Then Tash asked the question that Adrian had asked a fandom before.

"Are they joining the Society or something?"

"No, they were just helping out during their free time."

"But they're characters."

"Aw, not this again!" exclaimed Doug, slapping his forehead. Tash looked in confusion.

"He doesn't want to talk about it," spoke Terry on behalf of Doug. Tash nodded.

"Thanks Terry," said Doug.

"No problem," replied Terry.

"Doug, we need to talk," said Tash. There were 'oohs' and 'aahs' from Doug's brothers, which was not helping the situation.

"Hey! You guys know me! No offense, Tash, but I don't date older women!" remarked Doug, and his brothers replied with a low 'aww'. Tash just stared at their antics, and then began to speak.

"Doug, we have a situation in the Call of Duty fandom. Since it's in a war scenario, we're mobilizing every single Agent we can spare," said Tash. The three of them looked at her in surprise.

"You're not serious there, are you mate?" asked Doug in a fluent Australian accent.

"You don't actually want to send an entire Society to their doom in a war fandom?" asked Terry, his eyes wide open.

"You don't seriously think of going in there without taking vodka?" asked Ivan in a serious tone. Doug and Terry looked at him and Terry knocked him over with a beer bottle. Tash yelped in surprise.

"Excuse my brother. He needs to take a lot of alcohol just to keep himself sober," explained Terry. Tash nodded and spoke again.

"Well, you can give your best course of action at the meeting," said Tash. Doug nodded in agreement. Terry got up and picked up Ivan, who was knocked out by the beer bottle.

"Well, we'll be going, preparing for the insertion into the fandom," said Terry before disappearing in a flash of light. Tash looked on as Doug got up and doused the fire with a splash of sand.

"Who invited them?" asked Tash. Doug huffed.

"Since this IS a very dangerous mission, we're gonna need more than the Society could offer," replied Doug, getting ready to go back to the Library.

"Wait! How do we get out of here?" asked Tash, getting up and approached Doug.

"Easy, just hold the key and wish for the location," replied Doug, holding on his key. Tash searched around and found she did not have the key.

"I lost it," said Tash. Doug sighed.

"Okay, just touch me. You need to be in contact to be teleported," explained Doug. Tash held on his arm and Doug began chanting. They could feel something surrounding them, and before she knew it, they were back in the Library common room.

"How did you know I was on the plane full of terrorists?" asked Tash out of curiosity.

"We didn't. Our main target was actually the beer keg," replied Doug. Tash gave a disappointing 'oh'.


"Welcome to this urgent meeting," announced Doug as he took centerstage, explaining the fandom the Society is about to get involved, historically one of the most dangerous fandoms the Society had ever visited. He had his laptop on with the projector showing whatever the laptop screen was showing. It had short footages of the game, with soldiers from the different factions of the game in action. There were Russian Spetsnaz and British SAS troopers against the rebel Ultranationalists in Russia, and also USMC soldiers against the OpsFor in an unnamed Middle Eastern country. The Agents settled in and began to listen to what Doug had to say.

"As you all know, Maya has entered one of the most dangerous fandoms in Society history. Adrian and Tash told me that the entire Society has to get involved because the probability of an Agent dying in this fandom is almost 80% if gone alone," explained Doug, with footages of USMC soldiers rushing forward to a TV station against the relentless OpsFor, with up to 20 soldiers dying from a platoon of 50. Doug continued.

"For those who are experts in magic may fare better, but real world weapons are just as dangerous as the magic you cast. The fandom is locked on the level 'Veteran', where a single shot from a sniper could kill you, and two shots from a normal rifle spell death to any careless Agent." The Agents began discussing about even entering the fandom. Doug spoke again.

"But not to worry. My author has managed to bring in multiplayer aspects into the story. The 'Juggernaut' perk allows you to survive the gunshots enough to get out or take out the enemies that may appear before you," explained Doug. Then Tash lifted a hand up.

"But which story are we following in 'Call of Duty 4'? The USMC or the SAS ones?" asked Tash. Doug pulled out the map that Maya had manifested. It looks like a hybrid of the maps in 'Shock and Awe', and 'All Ghillied Up and 'One Shot, One Kill', with the Chernobyl power plant smack right in the middle of the map.
"My friends, she has taken the most dangerous maps of the game and combined them into one. The desert side is 'Shock and Awe'; the mission where the entire US Army entered the Middle Eastern city to capture one of the main antagonists, 'Khaled Al-Asad' and a nuke goes off. The cold winter side is 'All Ghillied Up' and 'One Shot, One Kill', where the SAS attempted to assassinate the main antagonist, 'Imran Zakhaev', in the abandoned city of Pripyat, Ukraine. They failed, and they had to escape," explained Doug before pulling out pictures of the main protagonists.

"And to make matters worse, she somehow managed to pull in all the characters of the game to her side. These are the characters that we must salvage from her," said Doug. The characters were Captain Price, Captain Macmillan, Gaz, Soap, Sgt. Jackson, SSgt. Griggs, and Lt Vasquez.

"The reason she took them is because throughout the game, these characters are the hardest to die. Plainly speaking, a grenade near them won't kill them. This may make it easier for us to get Copyrights at them, but the problem is getting to them. Currently, there are more than 500 times more A.I. soldiers than there are of us," explained Doug. There have been doubts of even going into the fandom.

"Thus, I have requested additional help from my author. He's going to help us by sending an army of his own soldiers into the fandom," said Doug, trying to dispel doubts the Agents had. Adrian spoke.

"But that makes the Society redundant in its role, isn't it?" asked Adrian.

"No, we needed the commanding manpower of the Society to lead my author's soldiers. Thus, your roles are not redundant. You ARE the commanders of my author's forces," replied Doug.

"Cool! I get to control an army!" said one Agent, as giddy as a schoolgirl.

"Good. Prepare and get geared up for it. We'll be leaving in half an hour," said Doug, closing the meeting. He then began discussing with the Society Leaders on roles for the entire Society.


A giant plot hole opened, and the Society exited the plot hole. They appeared in an army base, which was in the desert. Most of the Agents concluded that they were on the desert side of the map. The army base was huge; Leopard and Challenger tanks patrolling the perimeter, Panzerhaubitze artillery vehicles parked near the barracks, Eurocopter Tigers and Cougars landing and taking off with weapons systems, soldiers who are armed to the teeth warming up…even an airstrip for the AC-130 gunships and Eurofighter Typhoon jets to land and take off.

"Hey, I read this before. All this can be found in Doug's author's story, TSWAT," noticed Adrian. A short Asian man walked towards them.

"Thanks for stating the obvious," said the man. He stood no taller than Tash, had black hair and skin colour points out that he's of Chinese descent. He had a wireless headset on his head and wears a white lab coat. He let out a hand to Adrian. Adrian shook hands with the man.

"I'm the author, Douglas. Thank you for coming in to help capture Maya. By your standards, she has grown to a Level 8, as powerful as that Sue…" The author stopped, trying to remember the name of the Sue similar in power as Maya. Adrian continued for him.

"Willowe Foxblade?"

"Yes, that Sue. Because of the danger level of this fandom, I'm granting you all-level access to all my soldiers from my fiction, TSWAT. Good luck and Godspeed," said the author before taking a pen hanging around his neck and literally drawing a plot hole to head back to his world. The Society Agents stared in awe.

"He can do that?" commented Tyler, surprised. Doug, who was away on an errand, came back with a list.

"Listen up, guys. I'm going to assign you to your teams of soldiers which you will use to head in and capture Maya," announced Doug before looking at the list.

"On this side of the map, Harriet, as the Society leader, will run all our operations from the command centre here with the help of one of my author's friend. This will be our distraction force for a small insertion force on the winter side," said Doug, shaking hands with Harriet and leading her to the command centre of the base. After Harriet left, Doug continued.

"Tash and Aster will be operating on the AC-130s to provide air support. After all, it's the safest place in the fandom," announced Doug, pointing towards the AC-130 gunships on the tarmac. Tash gave a 'wow' after looking at the machine she was about to operate while Aster gave a 'Kyaa~'.

"Adrian and Rhia will lead a group of women soldiers with the help of my sister Rina, and with that another 10 platoons of PeaceKorps soldiers," announced Doug. Adrian looked at Rina and her team of women, and behind them 10 platoons of a hundred blue, bulky soldiers each. Adrian made a remark on their attire.

"You girls wear SKIRTS into battle?"

"You got a problem with that?" remarked Rina in an annoyed tone, which Adrian cleverly noticed and stopped asking questions. Rhia just looked on and giggled at the way Adrian shuddered. The teams headed to the waiting helicopters.

"Ben and I will go in with my brother and my team from TSWAT, together with two platoons of TSWAT personnel," said Doug. Ben was surprised that that he was picked to lead with Doug, especially after looking at the TSWAT personnel. TSWAT troopers looked very competent for their age. They too headed to the waiting helicopters.

"On the other side, Drake, Tyler, Christoph and Karissa will lead a team of ghillies, since the other side requires the skills of stealth and going through booby traps," announced Doug. Drake, Tyler and Karissa looked around and found no team of ghillies that Doug mentioned.

"Where are the ghillies?" asked Tyler.

"They are already on the other side of the map," replied Doug. The Agents nodded in agreement, before Drake noticed Christoph wasn't with them.

"Where's Christoph?" asked Drake. Doug pulled a contraption down from his head and looked through the contraption.

"He's there, sleeping," replied Doug, pointing at the spot where Christoph was meant to be. The Agents turned around and saw on one.

"But no one's there," said Karissa. Doug picked up a stone and threw at the location.


"OW!" screeched Christoph as he morphed out from his camouflage. The other three Agents giggled at him.
"Impossible! How did you see me, Lord Doug?" asked Christoph.

"Chris, you may be a ninja, but I can still see you with thermal goggles," replied Doug, pointing at the contraption over his eyes. Christoph cursed quietly and swore he will find a way to cheat technology. Doug sighed and continued.

"Danielle and Marcus will go in with the ghillies, as Danielle's foresight will be useful for spotting traps and Marcus' split personalities may be useful for helping the teams sneak in," continued Doug, and Danielle and Marcus joined the other four Agents.

"Valerie, Stacey and Monika, will stay back at base and help our chief surgeon from TSWAT, Cheryl Kisungji, to treat wounded soldiers as they exit the battlefield. In this desperate hour, your powers will be useful," said Doug to the three empaths, assuring them that if they couldn't stand the sights of war and death, they can leave as they please. Valerie and her team shook their heads, stating they're willing to help in any way possible. Doug nodded and the empaths headed towards the medical tent. Doug looked on.

"Let's go!" exclaimed Doug to the Agents before rushing towards the helicopter that was ready to takeoff. The helicopter consists of his team from TSWAT, Ben, Adrian, Rhia and Rina and her team as well. Doug got in and the helicopter took off.

"Adrian, I'm sure you heard I was testing a new piece of equipment for the Society. Well, here's the final product," said Doug loudly over the sound of the helicopter engines. He handed two canister-like grenades to Adrian.

"What's this?" asked Adrian.

"These are 'Laughing Gas' grenades. Just pull the pin and throw it at the intended target. The target will begin laughing; the effects can last up to 3 hours. But be warned, you need a gas mask if you don't want to get the effects," replied Doug. Adrian nodded. Their helicopter got up joined the other helicopters heading towards the city.


"This is Blackbird 3, we're approaching the city," announced the pilot of the helicopter.

"Copy that, Blackbird 3," replied the radio in a feminine voice. Adrian looked out of the helicopter and saw other helicopters flying in formation. The attack helicopters flew in ahead of the transport helicopters. There was an oil tower on fire. The Leopard and Challenger tanks rolled in with their turrets primed at the city. Eurofighter Typhoon jets zoomed past, dropping bombs and shooting down other jets from the sky. They were obviously US military aircraft, in control by the Sue. Some Cobra helicopters tried to intercept the transport helicopters from the flanks, but Tiger helicopters rushed in and took care of the Cobras. A missile flew past and grazed through the helicopter's underbelly. Adrian freaked out with a shriek.

"Settle down, Adrian. We're not there yet," said Doug and patted him on the back. After Adrian calmed down, Doug popped a Mentos into his mouth. The artillery vehicles quickly moved and stopped before the city, firing shells into the city. The tanks engaged the Sue-controlled Abrams tanks. Some transport helicopters broke formation and landed nearby, dropping troops to engage the other Sue-controlled USMC soldiers. The sky glowed with a burning red haze.

"We're approaching the drop point. Stand by," announced the helicopter pilot. Doug threw the half-eaten tube of Mentos out of the helicopter and pulled down his mask and his goggles. He pulled the bolt of his rifle as the helicopter began to land. Once the helicopter landed, they all jumped off the helicopter and rushed for cover. The helicopter took off, only to be shot by a missile. They looked at the direction where the missile came from. There was a group of USMC soldiers on top of a building. Doug recognized three of them immediately.

"Adrian, there's Griggs, Jackson and Vasquez. We need to get them," shouted Doug, pointing at the USMC group. Adrian nodded and they all rushed towards the building, but they were blocked by a platoon of USMC soldiers.

"Ach! Librarian Arts 9: Pillars of Knowledge!" yelled Adrian, driving his sword into the ground, and pillars of the word 'knowledge' inscribed in different languages burst out from the ground. The USMC soldiers were thrown out into the sky, but there were more troops coming in and they opened fire.


On the outskirts on the other side of the map, Drake, Tyler, Karissa, Christoph, Danielle and Marcus were crouching next to a tree, looking for the ghillies Doug had mentioned. All they saw was fields of overgrown grass.

"Where's the army he promised?" asked Tyler, feeling a bit worried. Christoph patted him on the back and spoke.

"Don't worry, we can go without them. With my ninja skills, I can detect anyone…" Christoph freaked out when someone tapped his shoulder. The other five Agents looked at each other before facing a man covered in grass and leaves, and carrying what looks like a sniper rifle. The man put a finger on his lips.

"Shh! I'm Ivan Gredenko, one of the many of ghillies hiding in this field. Are you the Society Agents?" asked Ivan in a low tone. The Agents nodded.

"Good! Follow me, we have to get through the radioactive areas without getting spotted," whispered Ivan, before walking forward while making a hand signal. More soldiers covered in grass and leaves appeared, freaking out all the Agents, especially Christoph.

"I thought ninjas are the most excellent silent assassins. I was proven wrong," commented Christoph. The Society Agents followed them.


(Back to the desert side)

Rhia was running up the stairs as fast as she could. The heat was enough to make her sweat. She reached the top floor. She kicked the door. It wouldn't budge. She tried hitting the door down with her body. She bounced back and rolled down the stairs. She moaned in pain. She could hear someone running up the stairs. It was a brunette with Asian features. She wore similar uniform as those worn by Rina and her team. Her hair never went past her shoulder. The brunette let out a helping hand.

"Is the door open?" asked the brunette. Rhia grabbed her hand and the brunette pulled her up from the floor. The brunette was at least a couple of inches taller than Rhia.

"No, the door won't budge. We have to go to another building," replied Rhia.

"That won't be necessary. Stay here," said the brunette. Rhia stayed and looked around for any hostiles as the brunette went up the stairs. The brunette came down seconds later with a detonator in her hand.
"Fire in the hole!" yelled the brunette as she pushed the trigger.


The brunette grabbed her sniper rifle.

"Come on, it's open," said the brunette. Rhia sighed and spoke.

"You're just like your boyfriend, Maddie," commented Rhia.

"Not exactly. It's actually part of the job description," replied Maddie. Rhia just shook her head and went up the stairs.


"We have the building. We'll give you sniper cover as you move on ahead," said Maddie on the radio.

"Thanks, Maddie," replied Doug as he let a few rounds from his rifle at the USMC soldiers. The USMC soldiers pinned the Agents down pretty well. But with sniper support from Maddie and Rhia, the USMC soldiers were taken out. Doug, Terry, Ben and few other troopers in their team went forward. A Humvee appeared around the corner. Ben released a blast of energy from his Bahamut, sending the Humvee flying. A USMC soldier appeared from behind a broken wall and was about to shoot Ben from the back when something chomped the soldier's head. The soldier screamed, which immediately attracted attention from Doug and Terry. They both fired their weapons on the AI soldier. Ben was shaken, but immediately regained composure.

"Thanks Shirley!" exclaimed Ben, putting thumbs up. Shirley didn't care; she continued munching on the dead soldier's head. Ben sweat dropped.


"This looks all too familiar," commented Adrian. Rubble-mostly consisting crushed cement blocks and dilapidated, war-torn buildings stuck out like skeletons. Debris of glass and carcasses of burnt vehicles scattered around the city blocks. Great patches of the undamaged earth as scorched black and glossy, the road surfaces warped into a razor-thin layer of glass from artillery shells and explosives. The song '21 Guns' appeared out from nowhere.

"Dude, pay attention! This is 'Call of Duty', not 'Bleach'!" yelled Rina as she dragged him to cover. Basically he was daydreaming in the crossfire between the Sue-controlled USMC soldiers and Society-backed PeaceKorps soldiers.

"Woah! What just happened?" Adrian snapped out of his flashback from his first mission as Society Agent. He and Rina were behind a broken wall; Rina was firing bullets at the USMC soldiers. Adrian stepped out of the broken wall and stood in front of the crossfire, again.

"What the hell are you doing?" yelled Rina. Adrian quickly chanted a spell.

"Librarian Arts 6: Shield of Silence!" chanted Adrian, and a shield engulfed him. The bullets and rockets that were heading towards him were stopped by the shield, which surprised Rina.

"Why didn't he do that in the first place!" exclaimed Rina. Adrian chanted another spell.

"Librarian Arts 2: A Thousand Words in an Instant!" Adrian disappears from view, and the USMC soldiers stopped firing. Rina put a hand signal to stop the PeaceKorps soldiers, and they all stopped firing too. The street became quiet. Then Adrian reappeared at the same spot where he chanted the spell. Rina and the PeaceKorps troopers rushed towards him.

"What did you do?" asked Rina. Adrian turned around and answered her. His face was covered in blood of the USMC soldiers.

"I slashed them all. The way is cleared," replied Adrian in a monotone voice. Rina stroked his back.

"They're not real, Adrian. They're computer-generated AI controlled by Maya," said Rina. Then a string of flames burst out from behind Adrian, scaring the Society Agent and all the idle soldiers. The soldiers rushed back to their positions and faced their next target; an M1 Abrams tank with a flamethrower turret. Adrian, who was hiding behind the same broken wall with Rina, took off his burning trench coat and dumped it.

"My beautiful trench coat…" said Adrian as he became teary-eyed over the loss of his trench coat. The tank was approaching the teams, and without an anti-tank weapon, running seemed to be a good option…


The tank was incinerated as artillery shells fell from the skies. The explosion was so close to the teams that it disorientated them for a bit. Then the radio crackled.

"This is Tash in the skies! You guys missed me?" said the radio. One of the PeaceKorps soldiers yelled a 'Hell Yeah!' Rina passed the radio to Adrian.

"Good to hear from you, Tash!" said Adrian on the radio.


(In the AC-130 Spectre gunship)

"These controls are easy!" exclaimed Tash as she played around with the joystick. She moved the camera around with the joystick, then pushing the red button to fire an artillery shell. The aircraft vibrated a bit from the cannons, but otherwise stable.

"Good job, ma'am. You're learning fast," praised the pilot, before answering to command. Tash felt that her throat was dry.

"Guys, don't you have any drinks abroad? I'm thirsty," said Tash.

"Well, we have beer," replied the TV operator.

"No beer for me. I'm teetotal," said Tash. The TV operator nodded and suggested another drink.

"We also have Vanilla Coke. The fresh taste of Vanilla, the refreshment of C…" A voice yelled on the radio.

"TV operator, you are breaching the rights reserved! I demand you stop immediately!" The voice was identifiable. It belonged to the author.

"Yes sir," replied the TV operator before putting a bottle of Vanilla Coke next to Tash. Tash opened the cap and started drinking it.


There was random fire coming from the AC-130 gunship in the sky. The shells were hitting dangerously close to the teams on the ground. Adrian was running away from the area.

"Tash! What are you doing?" screamed Adrian on the radio.

"Teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!" was the only reply he got. Rina rushed towards Adrian.

"What's happening?" yelled Rina. The other PeaceKorps soldiers were running in the opposite direction; away from their target area.

"I don't know! Suddenly she was acting all high!" Then an artillery shell hit near them, causing them to duck for cover. Dust and debris covered their bodies.

"Is she nuts? That was just yards away!" yelled Rina, getting up from the ground. Adrian passed his radio to Rina.

"Patch me to the pilot!" yelled Adrian before another shell hit nearby. Rina ducked again as debris started falling again. Rina quickly readjusted the frequency of the radio and passed the radio back to Adrian.


"Ma'am! You're firing too close to the friendlies! Watch for the blinking strobes!" exclaimed the pilot.

"Heeheeheeheeheehee!" Tash was giddy as a toddler who found a fun thing to do. The radio crackled.

"This is Adrian! Who is that on the line?" the radio crackled with a very loud voice. The tone was not pleasing.

"This is AC-130 pilot speaking. I was telling off Miss Tash about firing dangerously close to allies on the ground," replied the pilot.

"Do better. Did you see the warning label on her back? From what I heard, she is extremely giddy," said Adrian. The pilot raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me, sir. She has a warning label?" The pilot was definitely surprised.

"Yes, she does. There are some things you're not meant to give her. Read it," replied the radio. The pilot put a hand around the microphone and asked the TV operator.

"TV, check Miss Tash's back for the warning label." The TV operator did as he was told. But it was hard; Tash was fidgeting and couldn't sit straight.

"Do not feed Coke…Oh dear," said the TV operator.

"What?" demanded the pilot.

"She was thirsty and I gave her Vanilla Coke…" The pilot pinched his forehead.

"Take the Coke away from her," commanded the pilot. The TV operator tried to take the bottle away from Tash but she quickly snatched it and held it close to her.

"My precioussssssss….." The TV operator got scared and reported back to the pilot.

"Pilot, she's gone Gollum like Lord of the Rings," responded the TV operator. The pilot face palmed and made a decision.

"Restrain her, TV. We're going back to base, boys," replied the pilot as he turned the gunship around.


"There goes our air support," commented Rina as her team and several PeaceKorps soldiers regrouped with her and Adrian. Adrian, who was looking at the gunship go, turned back to the soldiers. For the first time, Adrian actually recognized some of the soldiers, especially the women in Rina's team.

"I recognized you," said Adrian, pointing at a blonde in Rina's team. Soldiers turned around and looked at the mentioned blonde.

"Me?" asked the blonde, pointing to herself.

"Yes, you. You're Saber from Fate/Stay Night, aren't you?" asked Adrian.

"If you put it that way, then yes. But I'm a carbon copy, not the actual character. And please, call me Arthuria. I'd prefer it that way," replied the blonde. Adrian looked at Rina.

"You're telling me your author stole characters from other world and implement them into his world?" demanded Adrian. Rina immediately explained.

"No, he CARBON-COPIED them. They're not the exact same character as the one in other fandoms. That's why they looked and acted a bit differently." A gunshot was fired, hitting one of the PeaceKorps soldiers. The other ran for cover. Rina and Adrian hid at the same broken wall they hid before the AC-130 fiasco. Rina fired a few rounds back.

"Go on. I'm listening," said Adrian. Rina was annoyed by Adrian as she tried to deal with USMC soldiers.

"This is not a good time. Can we talk about this later?"

"No," replied Adrian sharply. Rina hid and sighed.

"Ok, fine. My author's not very good at creating characters. I mean, most of his characters are based on his friends. Doug is based on him, Terry is based on a friend with the same name and the one helping Harriet at the command centre, and I'm based on Doug. Does that sum it up?" explained Rina in an annoyed tone. Adrian was dumbfounded. Rina threw a grenade at the USMC soldiers before returning to Adrian.

"But because we're all original copies, it is highly unlikely for this so-called 'Protection Society' to have our direct opposites, because a Copyright will kill them off. Understand?" said Rina. Adrian nodded before getting up and moving forward to attack the AI soldiers.


(On the other side of the map…)

"There are troops, there, there, there, there and there," whispered Danielle, pointing locations on the map. With her gift of foresight, she managed to see upcoming events of if the Agents and the ghillie army went through the map without her. There would be deaths and they will be chased down; but not sure who. Danielle decided to stay back with some ghillies watching her back, coordinating from the starting point. The other Agents, Ivan and his six ghillies nodded, and they quickly moved to the first checkpoint. There was an abandoned house. Ivan, Christoph and Karissa moved first and looked inside from the window.

"Four tangos inside," said Ivan. Christoph immediately faded into the background.

"Where's he going?" asked Ivan. Karissa shook her head. They both looked inside the house again. They could see the outline of Christoph approaching the four Sue-controlled Spetsnaz troopers. He closed in and took them out swiftly with his pair of Sais. He then morphed out of the background. Christoph gave thumbs up. Ivan and Karissa moved to the corner of the house. They saw a trooper standing by a car. Ivan took aim and plucked him out. He made a hand signal and the other Agents and ghillies moved forward. They approached an abandoned church. There was a patrol and a watchout on the church tower. Karissa immediately went invisible and Christoph threw a shuriken at the patrol.

"Christoph! We still have a watchout in the church tower. He's going to see the body," whispered Ivan.

"No, he's not, Lord Ivan," replied Christoph.

"How do you know?" And before he knew it, the watchout fell off the church tower and hit the ground, killing him instantly. Karissa reappeared and gave thumbs up. Ivan sighed.

"And drop the 'Lord', just call me Ivan," stated Ivan to Christoph. Ivan kicked the door open on the church and everybody went into the church. Christoph, with his good sense of hearing, heard something coming.
"Did you hear that?" asked Christoph. Everyone else had their ears fixed on the sound.

"Enemy helicopter," replied Ivan. He waved at his team of six ghillies and they all picked up Stinger missiles in the church. Ivan and the six ghillies went out under the cover of shadows and looked into the sky. A Russian Hind appeared.

"Target locked," reported the six ghillies.

"Shoot the helicopter!" commanded Ivan, and they all came out from their hiding. All seven of them fired their rockets, not giving any chances to the helicopter. The helicopter spotted the missiles and ejected flares. But it was no use. Two missiles tracked to the helicopter and hitting it down. The helicopter spun out of control and crashed nearby. The Agents continued on. When they reached a broken pipeline, they stopped and hid behind it. An army of Spetsnaz and armoured tanks rolled from behind a mound and was heading towards them.

"Any ideas?" asked Drake. Tyler just shook his head. Christoph spoke.

"I could distract them," replied Christoph, ready to move. Ivan stopped him and shook his head. Suddenly, artillery shells fell from the skies and hit the army, incinerating them. The radio crackled.

"KYAA~!" was the only word they heard. Drake picked up the radio and replied.

"You're a life-saver, Aster," said Drake on the radio before they all moved on ahead.


(Back on the desert front)

"We've got the building! Ben, Terry, James, Yee Lin! Left side door breach!" yelled Doug and they all went for the door on the left side of the building. Adrian, Rina and her team raced past them and went on the right side.

"We're ready," said Rina on the radio.

"On my count. 1… 2… 3… Breach!" said Doug. Ben was standing in front of the door with the Bahamut in hand. He screeched a tune, and the door blasted open. Doug and his team went in and cleared the room. There were no soldiers in there. They could hear the other side explode and scattered gunfire was heard. They regrouped at the main stairs.

"They're up on the second floor!" said Doug and they went up the stairs. Before reaching the second floor, Doug stopped the teams and threw a laughing gas grenade into the floor. He then pulled down his mask. The rest followed. When they saw the gas engulf the room, they rushed in and tackled the laughing characters. Adrian, Doug and Ben stuck Copyright stickers on the characters and gave them oxygen masks. They were cured within minutes.

"Where the hell are we?" asked Vasquez.

"We're your ticket out of here, let's go!" replied Doug briefly and tossing an M16 rifle at Vasquez. The other characters were given their weapons, and they all went back to the streets. A PeaceKorps soldier came by and saluted at Doug. Doug saluted back.

"Call in the choppers! We need to evac these characters outta here!" commanded Doug.

"Yes sir!" replied the soldier and they led the characters to the extraction point. Another soldier came in with a case. He opened it and passed grappling gun devices at Doug and the Society Agents.

"Grappling Prohibitor Version 2!" announced Doug, slinging the Grappling Prohibitor to his back. The other Agents followed as well, slinging the Grappling Prohibitors on their backs. Rina, Terry and other PeaceKorps soldiers grabbed theirs. They all rushed towards a building that looks like the Chernobyl power plant at the horizon.


On the other side of the map, the Agents and the ghillies were inside a hotel overgrown with weeds. They were all looking at a location near the Chernobyl power plant with their binoculars. The area was filled with jeeps and Spetsnaz troopers. And in the middle was Maya, sitting in her throne with two ghillies flanking and two game characters directing the troopers. There were identified as the British team; Macmillan, Price, Gaz and Soap. Ivan spoke on the radio.

"Maya spotted with the four British characters. Command, please respond," said Ivan. There was static for a moment before an answer came by.

"The desert side has finally got the USMC characters and are now heading to your location. ETA: 90 seconds," was the reply. The Agents were already in their position, waiting for the signal. Ivan whispered to the other ghillie with him; one who was aiming with an M82 Barrett sniper rifle.

"Can you get a clear shot?" asked Ivan.

"Yea, but the wind's getting a bit choppy," answered the ghillie in a feminine voice.

"Do your best," replied Ivan. The ghillie continued aiming at Maya. It was for 30 seconds before Ivan gave the signal.

"Now!" said Ivan. The ghillie took a shot, which precisely hit the Sue in the head. The Sue-controlled characters looked around for the shot. That's when the Society Agents stepped in. The Society Agents rushed in and pushed out the Spetsnaz troopers away. The British characters rushed to position and opened fire at the Agents. The Agents took cover. Five of the ghillies rushed out of hiding and sniped off the annoying Spetsnaz AI, but careful not to take the characters out. That gave chance to the British characters to take out the ghillies. Russian Hinds came in. The Agents began pulling back. Maya got up with the bullet wound healed and struck back with psychic powers. She began lifting jeeps and hurling them at the Society Agents.

"She's got a lot stronger!" exclaimed Tyler, running away with Drake.

"Like we didn't notice!" replied Drake as they dodged a jeep. Suddenly, a missile flew past and hit one of the Hinds. The Society Agents looked towards the missile trails. The Agents from the desert side had finally joined them.

"Yes! Victory through numbers!" exclaimed Tyler before swinging his staff to his side and rushing towards the Spetsnaz AI. Drake followed after, activating his bracelet and forming a neo suit around his body to combat the troopers. He went in with speed, taking out most of the Spetsnaz troopers. The Agents from the desert side quickly rushed from the flanks, taking out the rest of the Spetsnaz troopers with gunfire, magic and 'Laughing Gas' grenades, leaving behind Maya and her four characters. Before Maya could react, Drake did a Storm Punch, sending the Sue flying to a nearby building. The characters were immediately Copyrighted, and taken away from the field. Helicopters began rushing in to collect the characters. Shells from Aster's AC-130 battered the downed Sue at the building she crashed on. The Agents quickly regrouped and looked at the blown-up area where Maya was. She had disappeared.

"What a gyp!" exclaimed Drake. The other Agents looked disappointed. Then they heard a crackle.

"You Society Agents are soooooooooo dumb," announced Maya, standing behind Drake. She punched Drake, sending him flying all the way where Ivan and the ghillie were positioned. Drake crashed through the wall with a bang, and the two snipers rushed down to get Drake.

"You ok, Drake?" asked Ivan. Drake got up and retracted back his neosuit.

"Wow, her punch damaged my suit so well that I have to bring it back for fixing. Looks like I'm out for the count," replied Drake. But the Sue didn't stop there. She immediately spotted Christoph and Karissa who were invisible, sending a kick to Christoph and a punch to Karissa. Karissa was sent flying off a few feet and Christoph over the power plant. Those Agents didn't have time to react, because she was moving in bullet-time. But that gave other Agents time to move; Adrian jumped 30 feet away, Doug dodged and rolled to a nearby obstacle, Ben started running away, Tyler crawled to get Karissa, Marcus barely being hit by Maya, and the soldiers were already flying in the sky. But Terry was way too far for Maya to reach. He quickly grabbed his Grappling Prohibitor and fired it at Maya. Maya dodged it.

"Damn!" exclaimed Terry as he dodged one of Maya's attacks. He tried dodging another, but Maya was way too quick for him that he got hit and he was hurled to the power plant walls. Ivan and the ghillie saw the attack and the ghillie got pissed.

"She kicked my brother," said the ghillie before running out of the hole in the wall.

"No!" yelled Ivan, but the ghillie wouldn't listen. The ghillie ran at breakneck speed; almost at Sue-speed, and tried to slash the Sue with one of her katanas. The Sue dodged and pulled out her own sword out of nowhere, slashing the ghillie on the face. The helmet flew off, revealing a Japanese girl with short black hair and pale skin. The blade only grazed her face, but the cut was instantly healed.

"Aha, the author's pet, Vespin. How amazing," mocked Maya. Vespin drew out her other katana and got into fighting stance and lunged at Maya. Maya dodged the attack. Vespin quickly spun around and sliced at Maya with her two katanas, managing cuts on Maya. Maya looked at her cut before they healed off. Maya looked back at Vespin; she was grinning.

"What's so funny?" Vespin charged at her, spinning the katanas like helicopter blades. Maya barely dodged the katanas; her blonde locks fell off as the blades cut through her hair. Maya quickly recovered and jabbed at Vespin. Vespin knocked her sword down and elbowed her face. Maya recovered and growled as Vespin got low into fighting stance again.

As Doug got up from escaping Maya's wrath, he looked over the obstacle and found Vespin sword-fighting with Maya. He quickly reached for his Grappling Prohibitor on his back but it wasn't there. He looked around and found a Grappling Prohibitor lying on the ground, near the fight scene. Doug made a decision.

"Even though Vespin is nearly a Sue herself, she has a weakness. If this goes on, Vespin will tire out and get killed by Maya," thought Doug as he rushed for the Grappling Prohibitor. At the fight, Vespin was getting tired after her third strike on Maya, managing a deep cut on Maya's abdomen. Maya gripped her abdomen and gritted her teeth in pain. Vespin felt drowsy; her vision fading out and dropping to her knees. Maya, with her wound fully healed, walked towards Vespin whose face got even paler.

"The puppy can't bite anymore? Then the puppy shall be put to sleep," mocked Maya as she raised her sword up, preparing to kill Vespin. Then a grappling hook flew and clenched her wrist, making her drop her sword. The Sue wailed in pain as the effects of the Grappling Prohibitor did its job. Adrian, who just recovered from jumping 30 feet away, quickly chanted a spell.

"Librarian Secret Art: Boot to the head!"


The Sue was sent flying, but the Grappling Prohibitor held her back. Doug reeled in Maya as Adrian used his to grab Maya's other wrist. Since she grew to a Level 8 Sue, the Society isn't taking any chances. Maya struggled with the Prohibitors as her powers started to fade. More grappling hooks came after her; grabbing her by the neck and both her ankles. Ben was holding one, while the other two was held by Rina and an unknown PeaceKorps soldier. Ivan quickly carried Vespin off the scene. Maya started to fall to her knees, but then she had one more trick up her sleeve. She screamed, and a wave blasted out from her head, disabling all the Grappling Prohibitors. She got her powers back and started lifting jeeps to fling at the Agents.

"I forgot to factor in EMPs! Why must Chuck Norris have his own jokes?" swore Doug, dodging one of the jeeps.


It was all so sudden. At the command centre, where Harriet was commanding with one of the author's friend, saw all the computers shorted out and no piece of technology worked.

"What happened?" asked Harriet, looking around the dim command centre. While the officers at the command centre tried to sort out the blackout problem on their computers, the engineers came in.

"An EMP blast occurred. The entire base is down," the engineers reported. Then a scream went through the base, breaking every glass in its way. It was lucky that the command centre was built like a box with 6-inch concrete. But even the thickness of the concrete cannot block the high-pitched scream. Everyone in the command centre had to close their ears because the pitch was enough to hurt their ears.

"Augh! Who's voice is THAT horrible?" exclaimed Harriet, cupping her hands over her ears. The author's friend (who is OBVIOUSLY named Terry), was unmoved by the scream, but he got worried. He grabbed the pen around his neck and literally drew a portal.

"Where are you going?" asked Harriet, putting her hands down as the scream has passed.

"I'm telling the author about the scream. I think it's best to get them out now. What do you say?" said Terry, waiting for Harriet to give the call. Harriet was silent for a while before making a decision.

"Get them home," replied Harriet. Terry nodded and jumped into the portal.


All the Agents were hiding from the enraged Sue, who had become more powerful than all of them combined. Doug, Adrian and Ben were hiding in a ditch; Tyler was holding up Karissa and hiding in an abandoned building; Christoph could only hope that Maya couldn't see him; Drake was looking at her from afar; Ivan walked as fast as he could with Vespin on his back to the starting point; Rina was pulling the unconscious Terry away from the field; Marcus could not be found and the PeaceKorps soldier who were with them were sprawled on the ground. From afar, it looks like a killing field.

"Now what are we gonna do?" asked Adrian, looking at Doug who was knocking his radio, hoping the action will make the radio work. It didn't. Doug threw the radio away in frustration.

"Our only means of communication is gone. What can we do? Take on her? If we do that, we're just as good as dead," replied Doug, feeling down. Then the sound of helicopters grew louder. They all looked up and saw attack helicopters firing all weapons at Maya. Maya just formed a shield bubble to block all the attacks. With a snap of a finger, she destroyed both helicopters. More attack helicopters came.

"What's the use? She'll just kill all of them," commented Adrian when another group of transport helicopters flew in and landed nearby. This time, helmeted troops with capes came out of the helicopters and rushed towards the Sue with swords and laser rifles.

"Whoa, what are they?" gasped Adrian. Even Doug was surprised.

"Those are my author's most loyal troops from his Command and Conquer fandom, the Royal Guards," replied Doug. A Royal Guard came and spoke to them.

"We're here to evac you guys outta here. We'll hold her off long enough," said the Guard. Doug nodded and waved at the Society Agents to get into the helicopters. When Ben was about to go, Doug stopped him.
"Ben, I need you for something." Just as every Agent and author's characters got on the helicopters, the transports got off the ground. Adrian noticed that Ben and Doug were staying back.

"Why are they not in the transports?" asked Adrian. The trooper in the helicopter answered him.

"They're on to something." After all the helicopters have left and the remaining Royal Guards slaughtered, Maya stood triumphantly with her nose high up.

"Ready?" asked Doug. Ben nodded. They both stood up from the ditch and pointed at Maya. Maya turned and saw the two Society Agents say their last words that gave this fanfic its title.

"DON'T MESS WITH NUKES!" Doug didn't have the powers that Ben had, so he had to push a detonator button.

"Ok, Ben. Now…" Doug stopped when he found that Ben was already on the run.

"Dang! I need his speed to get me outta here!" thought Doug before finding a refrigerator.


A giant mushroom cloud rose to the stratosphere as the two thermonuclear warheads obliterated the map. Ben was at the outskirts of the map; well away from the epicentre, panting heavily from the run he just had. A helicopter flew past and landed before him. Tash and Adrian came out.

"Ben," stated Adrian disappointingly, rubbing his temples. "So that was your plan? To nuke the fandom?"

"It was Doug's idea," retorted Ben.

"Then where is he?" demanded Adrian. Ben looked around and sweat dropped.

"Er… oops," mumbled Ben.

"What 'oops'?" demanded Tash.

"I… um…. was supposed to… carry him out of there…" Ben was digging his foot into the ground, his hands behind his back and head down.

"YOU WHAT?" yelled Adrian. Tash's facial expression showed sadness and shock.

"We lost him… after three fandoms…" said Tash softly, looking at the mushroom cloud. Then a refrigerator fell from the sky and landed next to Adrian, shocking the three Society Agents. The refrigerator door opened, and Doug walked out while making a comment.

"Indiana Jones was right! You can survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a lead-lined refrigerator!" exclaimed Doug. The three was happy to see him.

"Doug, you're alive!" exclaimed Tash, rushing out to give a hug. Doug dodged and she fell flat on the ground.

"I'm still hot, radioactive hot. So don't touch me," said Doug and the other Agents laughed. Adrian approached Doug and spoke.

"So two thermonuclear warheads are supposed to kill her?" asked Adrian.

"No. It was for her to fall into a trap. When she opened a plot hole to escape, my author managed to reroute the plot hole to trap her in the Command and Conquer fandom, where she will be dealt," explained Doug. Adrian grinned.

"Nice plan, but you still nuked an entire fandom. Both of you are now on cleaning duty in the Library for a month," said Adrian before walking back to the helicopter. Both Ben and Doug sulked, knowing that cleaning duty is the last thing they wanted, and they both headed to the helicopter. Tash got up and got in the helicopter. The helicopter lifted from the ground and chugged off. Out of curiosity, Ben askd a question to Tash.

"How did they cure you from you hyperactivity?"

"I dunno. They gave me like some injection. Insulin, they say…" The helicopter disappeared into a plot hole.