Monday, January 31, 2011

Insert Defectively Typed-In Binary Here

The Digital World was at most times a peaceful place…aside from the psychotic, evil Digimon attempting to break free from their confinement and rule both it and the human world, but it happened on such a daily basis no one paid it any mind.

However, it WOULD acquire such human parasites as the prep, the emo, the bad ass, and the worst of the worst…

The Gary Stu.

This ones name was Alastor Everworthy Percival Francisco Kiang VIII and he was FAR worse than Zachary Bell.

Naturally, he was as gorgeous and as powerful as they come. As per most of his despicable, disgusting kind, he was gorgeous, with long blonde hair that drifted past his shoulders that seemed to be perfect, like candy floss or something of the like. He wore a pair of black jeans that complimented his red vest and pale skin. He wore a pair of steel toed shoes. A black trench coated with silver buckles about his attire made his outfit just EYE watering.

His parents were killed when he was a mere child, and since then he'd become the good guy/bad guy of all groups, being far too cool to help them but feeling cool ENOUGH to help people in their time of need.

What does he have to do with the Digital world? Well, it didn't help that he happened to be a chosen one, one that the other Digidestined hadn't a clue about. It was an odd thing, as the Spirit Warriors had been passed out amongst them all…

Hadn't they?

He made his grand appearance one day when Takuya and Koji couldn't seem to seem to take down a rather troublesome Digimon. Even with their Beast Digivolutions they couldn't take him on, and found themselves thoroughly thrashed about the digital world.

THAT… was when Alastor made his grand appearance.

Naturally, had his own spirit, one known as Arakumon, the Chaotic Digimon, as it was basically the combinations of the other Digimon, but looked like a handsome warrior in glorious golden armor (of course, he DESERVED it). He could combine the aspects and elements of the other Warriors, making him the best warrior the six of them could ask for.

Naturally, Zoe fell head over heels in love with the young rouge warrior, and it didn't take long before he began to return the feelings to the young blonde. Tommy looked up to him as if he were a hero, Koji respected him, and Takuya considered him as an idol.

The days turned to weeks for the seven warriors, and eventually a new evil took the form of a shrouded being known simply as Dusk, and he began to slowly change the digital world into a dismal area, filled with virus and death and destruction.

Naturally, when the time came, Dusk stole the powers of all the other Digidestined (Aside from Alastor, please, Dusk steal the powers from HIM? A Gary Stu? Unheard of!) and a great battle took place. Dusk and Alastor clashed for quite some time, and until then, didn't seem to be winning.

That was until the cheesiest thing happened, ergo, when the others shouted that they could believe in him, and that he was destined to defeat him. Warming his cold and icy heart, he defeated Dusk.

Ugh, Gag me.

The world settled down after that, and soon after, Alastor was granted permission to join the Royal knights, and he whole heartedly accepted, but asked to stay near Zoe, as he felt happy when around her.

And so everything started to become normal once more.

But with a Gary Stu around, we couldn't be happy until then, hm?

I should think not!

We join our Heroes currently lounging about on a beautiful day, no evil Digimon wanting to destroy them just yet.

Alastor had suggested he go out and search for some food and maybe find some Digimon in trouble, with any luck.

As he walked off, he didn't know there was a lone figure off in the distance staring at him, calculating, his eyes narrowed behind the Shakespearean Mask of Tragedy, his hand on the hilt of his sword and the lone thought in his mind was… maybe this one would be a bit tougher to beat than Zachary had…

Naturally, Alastor had been able to find quite a feast for his friends, carrying back some fruits and meat (Don't ask me, as a Gary Stu, apparently you find delicacy's laying about the ground… yeah) and hummed as he bit into an apple. "Mmm…"

The apple he was holding inexplicably was sliced in half and fell to the ground with soft thuds. He blinked in confusion, looking around. Wasting no time, he readied himself, ready to transform into Arakumon.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said a calm voice from behind the young boy.

Alastor spun around quickly to see the strange, cloaked figure that had killed Zachary Bell, the Gary Stu Gutter.

I really need to fix that name…The figured grumbled to himself, not moving, his cape flapping about and his hand on the hilt of his long sword.

Alastor narrowed his eyes a little bit at the sight of sword. "You got something against me buddy?" he asked him.

The cloaked one narrowed his eyes in return. "Just the fact you live buddy, and the fact I seem to be on a roll with you Gary Stu's…"

Much to his surprise, Alastor smiled. "Ah, so you're the one who took on Zachary Bell and beat him?" he asked.

The cloaked being blinked in surprise, taking off his mask to reveal (Big shocker spoiler!) Michael. "Hm?" he asked. "You know about him?"

"Heh, of course. Not a lot of people can stop a Gary Stu! Of course… you'd have to be part of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, hm?"

"So… you know about us then?" Michael asked in confusion.

"Please, who hasn't?" He grinned. "You lot have been chasing my sister Willowe all about the place on her own fandoms!"

THIS struck Michael. "You're Willowe's brother?"

"Well duh." He blinked a bit. "Isn't that obvious?"

Michael twitched and he growled. "That's it! That's more of a reason to gut you and SHOW you how you function!"

"Bring it on then!" Alastor shouted, getting into a battle position.

Michael did the same, holding his sword out and glared at him.

"Hey look, a distraction!" Alastor shouted, making Michael turn around quickly.

"What's that, where?" Michael asked. Suddenly, he got the trick pulled on him (his OWN trick, Dammit!) and spun around just to see Arakumon fly towards him and kick him, sending him flying through the air. As he got up, he grabbed his sword and reappeared right in front of Alastor, to which he stabbed his arm.

The Gary Stu howled and jumped back. "Heh, sorry mate." He grinned a bit, making Michael sneer in return. "I gotta take a quick break and see my sis. Think about this though… A Gary Stu and a Mary Sue are some of the strongest creatures in a fandom, supposed to be indestructible… if you can defeat one… Would that mean you're no better? Would that mean your society is no better than what you try to defeat?"

Michael opened his mouth, and shut it. That…was an absurdly good question. He tried to think of a question. So, he sat there and contemplated.

"Ah! Got it!" he spun around…

And Alastor was gone.

He face faulted and he groaned as he stood up again. "Of course he's gone." He grumbled a bit. He pulled out his communicator and began to dash off, putting his mask on again. "Miri, Tash, everyone else, keep an eye out. I have a Gary on the run, repeat, Gary on the run. He may get to your fandoms, keep an eye out!"

"Got it!" Tash exclaimed from her end.

"I'll keep an eye out!" Miri exclaimed.

"You got it!" Valerie shouted in return.

"Right!" Kate said.

"If I see him, he's mine," Marcus said to the other.

"Whatever," Blake growled.

Michael growled in frustration at the thought of losing a Stu and turned his communicator off, dashing off into the forest. He ended up in front of what appeared to be a rip in the time space continuum. "Yeah, totally didn't see this coming," he grumbled. He sheathed his sword and pulled out his ring, the one he got from his girlfriend before embarking.

"Miss you Claire, baby," he mumbled, kissing the ring softly. "I'll be home soon, promise… Hopefully!"

And jumped through the portal.

…And appeared once more, flashing his Prohibitor and turning off any and all results of the Gary Stu on the area.

"Keep forgetting to do that," he grumbled, jumping through once more.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Insert Whatever's In This Pokeball Here

It was a normal day in Bramble Town, the smallest, humblest town in the Naïveté region. The sun was shining, the Pidgey were cooing, a half-ton meteorite was hurtling down at Mach 2… wait, what?

The space rock crashed down and formed a huge crater right in the backyard of a ten-year-old boy named Kenneth, and immediately he rushed out to investigate. As he was admiring the mysterious rock, it split open before his eyes, revealing an internally flawless purple gem bigger than his fist!

Kenneth gasped as the gem released a bright red light. Slowly but surely the light solidified, forming into the levitating body of a creature decidedly not of this Earth. Its body was over five feet tall, red, with a humanoid torso and the gem embedded in its chest, and it had long, spindly legs ending in points rather than feet. Instead of arms, it had long tentacles, one red and one blue curled in a double-helix on each side, and its blue face was void of any facial features except for sharp, round eyes in parallelogram-shaped sockets.

Kenneth couldn't believe his eyes! This was a Deoxys, an obscenely rare Pokemon! He'd seen pictures of them in books, but he never thought he'd actually see one in person!

Just then the Deoxys let out a low hum, and immediately Kenneth knew something was wrong. The Deoxys was weak, and in considerable pain. It pushed him back and prepared to fly off, but Kenneth knew that he had to help it himself. He took out the Pokeball that he'd been carrying for the last two weeks and threw it at the DNA Pokemon with all his might. The ball struck the Deoxys right in the middle of its face, cracked open, and the Deoxys was converted into red light (different than before) and sucked into the Pokeball. The ball snapped shut and fell to the ground, wiggling back and forth for a few seconds before stopping cold.

Kenneth let out a cheer. He had caught the Deoxys!


A couple of hours later, Kenneth had packed his bags and was on his way. He'd called the Pokemon Professor at the laboratory in Nettles Town, the next town over, and told her all about today's strange phenomena. She'd ordered Kenneth to come over to her lab immediately, as she'd recently obtained some meteorites of her own, devoid of organic life but with a strange radiation, and she wanted to see if there was any connection. She'd even hinted that she might let him keep the Deoxys afterward. Now he was just in front of the town limits, and nothing could bring him down.

"OW!" came a voice to his right. "DAMN PLOTHOLE!"

Kenneth turned to see the source of the profanity, and found a boy, about eighteen, sprawled on the ground. The boy propped himself up and Kenneth got a better look at him. He was of average height, but a little chunky, and wearing a black sweatshirt and sweatpants. He was fairly unkempt, with shaggy black hair and a moustache and goatee to match. What his eyes looked like were a mystery, though, because they were hidden behind clip-on shades on wire-frame glasses.

At the same time, the mystery man sized up Kenneth. The kid was short and scraggly, with a dirty white polo shirt and jeans. His hair was curly and brown, and he had tiny brown eyes and a rather large nose.

"You okay?" Kenneth asked as the other guy dusted himself off.

"Fine," the mystery man replied. "You the kid with the Deoxys?"


"Good." Immediately, the mystery man pulled a badge from his pocket and flashed it in Kenneth's face. "Then I hereby place you under arrest for crimes against storytelling! You're going away for a long time, Stu!"

"Stu?" Kenneth repeated. "No, the name's 'Kenneth'. Who are you, anyway? What are you talking about?"

"I'm Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society," said Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society. "And you're coming with me."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Kenneth insisted.

"Oh, come on! You expect anyone to believe that a meteorite containing a Deoxys just happened to crash in your backyard, and you just happened to catch it without even battling it? That's beyond ridiculous!"

"Look," Kenneth insisted. "I don't know what you're going on about, but I'm not going anywhere without a fight!"

"A fight, eh?" Marcus chuckled. "I take it you mean a Pokemon battle?"

"That's right!" Kenneth snapped, taking out his Pokeball. "Let's see if you can beat me and Deoxys!"

Kenneth tossed the ball in the air and it burst open. Deoxys appeared with a flash of light.

"Sounds good to me," Marcus said, pulling a Pokeball out of his pocket. "Magmar, prepare for battle!"

Marcus threw his Pokeball, and a Pokemon materialized. This one had a vaguely humanoid body, but with clawed hands and feet, a long, straight tail, and an orange duckbill for a mouth. Its body was consumed in fire, but it showed no signs of burns. "Magmar," the creature grunted.

"Magmar?" Kenneth commented. "That's a Fire-type, right?"

"Quit playing dumb and battle already!" Marcus snapped.

"Fine," Kenneth sighed. "Sheesh! Deoxys, use Swift!"

Deoxys buzzed and put its tentacles together, but then, amazingly, did a double-take and shook its head.

"Stop fooling around!" Marcus ordered. "Magmar, hit it with your Flamethrower!"

"Magmar!" Magmar replied, expelling a stream of fire that struck Deoxys right in its chest.

"Good, now don't let up! Strike hard with Fire Punch!"

Magmar nodded and ran at Deoxys with a flaming fist.

"Use Counter, Deoxys!" Kenneth screamed.

Deoxys buzzed indignantly as it was knocked backwards, but otherwise did nothing.

"I thought I told you to stop clowning around!" Marcus snarled. "I may be new, but I'm a serious contender!"

"Hey, I'm new, too!" Kenneth complained. "Now, Deoxys, use Zap Cannon!"

This time, the DNA Pokemon didn't even bother trying to use the aforementioned attack. Instead it let out an angry buzz and its eyes glowed blue. At the same time, Magmar was surrounded by an aura of the same color, then lifted into the air and slammed back into the ground!

"I said 'Zap Cannon', not 'Psychic'!" Kenneth complained as Magmar got to its feet. "What's it take to get you to listen?"

Deoxys let out a cranky hum, then turned on its trainer, put its tentacles together, conjured an orb of dark energy, and shot a dark beam called a Night Shade attack right at Kenneth's feet, making him yelp in fright.

"Oh, enough of this!" Marcus growled. "Magmar, finish it with one more Flamethrower!"

"Magmar," Magmar grunted. "MAG-MAR!"

The Flame Pokemon launched one more wave of fire with all of its might, striking Deoxys in the back and knocking it into its trainer, sending them both crashing to the ground in a heap, the DNA Pokémon's eyes filled with swirls.

"Pathetic," the older boy said, recalling Magmar into its Pokeball. "A Level 5 Stu should've provided far more of a challenge than that! You don't even know how to use that Deoxys!"

Then it hit him.

"You're… not a Stu, are you?"

"I told you, my name's Kenneth!" the younger boy snapped, recalling his Deoxys. "I don't even know a Stu!"

"Yes, yes, that explains the lack of battle skills," Marcus said, more to himself than Kenneth. "Inexperienced, but obviously eager to learn, starting off with a Pokemon far too advanced and clearly showing it…" He extended a hand to Kenneth, who stared for a second, then accepted it and got to his feet. "You're not a Stu. You're a reasonably interesting character."

"Uh, thanks," Kenneth replied. "I, uh, like your shades."

"It doesn't make sense, though," Marcus pondered. "If you're not a Stu, then why did we get an alert?"

"Beats me," Kenneth shrugged. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get going. I told Professor Willowe I'd meet her ten minutes ago."


"Professor" Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Sandriline Delilah Aphrodite Bob Yuffiana Vipertooth Foxblade the Third paced her laboratory, waiting for her guest. It was a nice laboratory, big and high-tech, with all sorts of top-of-the-line computers and machines, and several interesting artifacts, the most prominent being four meteorites the size of basketballs in glass cases around the room.

The "professor's" appearance, however, was far more interesting. She was rather young, only about 23, with a very curvy body barely squeezed into a white lab coat. She had flowing, silky auburn hair, dark violet eyes, and teeth of a dazzling opalline white.

Finally, the door opened and somebody walked in.

"It's about time," the "professor" said. "You know, my schedule is quite tight, Kenne—who in the world are you?"

"The name's Marcus," Marcus informed her. "And I know who you are. You're Willowe Foxblade, Society Enemy Number One."

"Well, actually, the name's Willowe Diamond Ravenne—"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm here to arrest you in the name of the Society!"

Willowe laughed, a sound that brought to mind angels singing in perfect harmony. "Are you kidding?" she giggled. "A newbie like you actually thinks he can take me?"

"Hey!" Marcus objected. "I may not look like much, but I'm smart! I knew enough to borrow some strong Pokemon from one of my creations, and more importantly, I figured out your game!"

"Oh, really?" Willowe said, flipping her hair in amusement. "Enlighten me."

"You send down legendary Pokemon to ten-year-old kids and make them super-easy to capture. Then, once they come down here to see you about it, you drain away everything interesting about them and add another soldier to your army of Sues. You even compressed your level to five to keep the Society from getting suspicious, didn't you?"

Willowe looked stunned (yet still stunning), but quickly regained her composure. "Very good," she complimented. "It's a cushy job that I've been doing on and off for a while now. What I'd like to know is what you think you can do to stop me!"

"I'll defeat you is what I'll do!" Marcus shot back. "I've got a knack for writing battles, after all—I even refocused my writing to further increase my skills."

"As if I care," the Sue said, flipping her hair again. "But, hey, you've caught me in a good mood. I'll battle you, and on the off chance that you beat me, I'll leave this fandom. I'll even spot each of your Pokemon one free attack (although I wouldn't count on any one-hit KO moves landing). How does that sound?"

"It's your funeral," Marcus shrugged, taking a Pokeball from his back pocket. "Go, Magmar!"

With a surge of light, Magmar appeared, ready for battle.

"How cute, a Magmar," Willowe chuckled. "This will be even easier than I thought! Let's see you defeat this!

Willowe snatched a Pokeball (one of six) from her belt and lobbed it into the air. With a sparkle of light, an incredibly freaky Pokemon materialized. It was over twenty feet long, and serpentine in shape, with a strange pale-yellow orb on a string around its neck. Its body was gold, but with black and blue stripes on its belly, and a silver masklike structure over its blue eyes, and bands of the same color down its neck. It had silver spikes jutting out along its sides, and there were six long black tentacles extending from its back, each ending with a sharp blue spike.

"A shiny Giratina," Marcus sighed. "How predictable for a Sue."

"Just take your free attack," Willowe told him, rolling her eyes.

"Very well. Magmar, use Overheat!"

Magmar grunted and took a deep breath. It glowed red as its flames burned brighter, and finally it expelled a gigantic burst of flame that completely engulfed Giratina!

Willowe, on the other hand, simply laughed, and when the flames died down Giratina barely seemed hurt!

"You didn't actually think that that puny Magmar of yours could actually harm my Giratina, did you?" the Sue laughed, flipping her hair again. "Giratina, make this quick. Hit it with Ancientpower!"

Giratina roared and conjured a glowing white ball of energy in its mouth, then launched it at Magmar. The Flame Pokemon cried out in pain, then fell to the floor, unconscious.

"Okay," Marcus muttered, recalling Magmar and exchanging its Pokeball for another. "So much for the direct approach. Let's try this."

He threw the ball and another Pokemon appeared, this one looking like a fat palm tree that stood on two legs. Three coconuts dangled beneath its leaves, each with a smiling face.

"Exeggutor, use Leech Seed!"

"Exeggutor!" the three heads replied in unison, and then, from within its leaves, a large seed appeared. The Coconut Pokemon laughed and launched the seed, striking Giratina in the belly. The seed burst open and long, leaf-covered vines spread and constricted around the shiny Pokémon's body.

"That'll do you absolutely no good," Willowe snickered. "Giratina, use Shadow Claw!"

Giratina snarled and slashed Exeggutor with its six tentacles, which temporarily took on a dark aura. Exeggutor fainted on the spot.

"Okay, next stratagem," Marcus said, recalling his Pokemon and sending out another, this one a purple and black anthropomorphic pig with a black pearl in its navel and two more on its forehead.

"Odor Sleuth, Grumpig!"

The Manipulate Pokemon grunted and began sniffing the air. A white aura appeared around Giratina for just a second, then faded.

"That's how you use your one free attack?" Willowe laughed. "Giratina, knock it out with Dragonbreath!"

Giratina exhaled a wave of green breath that engulfed Grumpig, which dropped where it stood.

Marcus said nothing this time, simply exchanging his current Pokemon for another, this one a three-foot-tall humanoid chameleon with a red zigzag on its belly.

"Kecleon, hit it with Shadow Claw!"

"Keclee!" the Kecleon squealed, leaping at Giratina with its right arm engulfed in a dark aura. Giratina backed away slightly, but otherwise seemed unharmed.

"Pitiful," Willowe sneered. "Ancientpower, Giratina!"

"Kecleon, use Substitute!" Marcus cried.

Once again, Giratina conjured and fired an orb of glowing light, but as it did, Kecleon created a dummy of itself and hid behind it. When the smoke cleared, though, the dummy was gone and Kecleon was on its belly, not moving.

"Amazing," Willowe said, flipping her hair again for no real reason. "Your Pokemon actually managed to faint even after using Substitute. I've battled a lot of Pokemon, but I've never seen one that pathetic!"

"Battled a lot of Pokemon, eh?" Marcus replied as he recalled Kecleon. "I take it it wasn't in the name of Pokemon research?"

"Of course not!" the Sue laughed. "I've never researched a Pokemon and I never intend to! My only goal is to seize control of the multiverse with my army of Sues!"

"I figured as much," Marcus said with a nod. "Now, I believe I still have two unused Pokemon."

The Society agent produced another Pokeball and tossed it, causing yet another Pokemon to appear. This one was rather small, and completely spherical, red on top and white on the bottom, with two angry eyes on the top half.

"Let's not draw this out, Voltorb!" Marcus ordered. "Just use Explosion!"

"Voltorb!" Voltorb replied in a mechanical-sounding voice. It squinted its eyes in concentration and glowed white, then, with the force of about four sticks of dynamite, it exploded!

When the smoke cleared, the lab was almost completely destroyed and Voltorb was unconscious, but Giratina still seemed relatively unharmed!

"Wow," Willowe giggled. "This time you even spared me the trouble of attacking! I guess that explains why you used Odor Sleuth, though—you needed to make Giratina vulnerable to Normal-type attacks so you could try and take it down in a suicide attempt! Too bad it didn't work, and now you're down to your last Pokemon, and based on what I've seen, I doubt you could possibly have one strong enough to beat my Giratina!"

"He might not," said a familiar voice. "But I sure do!"

Immediately Kenneth burst through the door, looking livid. "You were right about Professor Willowe, Marcus! She really did just want to use me! Now let me help you! Here," he said, handing Marcus his only Pokeball. "Use Deoxys to beat her into the ground!"

"Thanks, Kenneth!" Marcus said, tossing the Pokeball and releasing the DNA Pokemon. "You ready to win this, Deoxys?"

The Deoxys waved its tentacles and let out an excited hum.

"Good. Now, I believe I get one free attack? I'll go with… PSYCHO BOOST!"

Eagerly, Deoxys flew up in the air, then arced its tentacles to form an X with its gem in the middle. With a loud buzz, it formed a glowing multicolored sphere and shot it right at Giratina's face!

Giratina roared in agony. That attack had actually done some damage!

"Yes!" Marcus cheered. "The tides are turning, Willowe!"

"Congratulations, kid," Willowe sneered. "But that's as far as you'll get! Giratina, strike it down with Shadow Claw!"

"Dodge it, Deoxys, and touch one of those meteorites!" Marcus suddenly cried out.

Deoxys nodded and narrowly avoided Giratina's tentacles, then flew over to the nearest meteorite case (which had been blown wide open) and touched the meteorite with a tentacle of its own.

The transformation was immediate. Deoxys slimmed down considerably, and the red coloring on its legs and torso became black. Two of its tentacles (one red, one blue) had disappeared, and a long, narrow plate grew back from the top of its head. Only its face and gem seemed completely unchanged.

"Now do you see why I used Explosion, Willowe?" Marcus bragged. "It wasn't just to damage your Giratina (though I'll admit I hoped it would). I knew those meteorites would allow Deoxys to change between its Forms, and now they're within easy reach!"

Willowe scowled at her opponent, but showed no fear. "So you've unlocked a few transformations. So what? You still can't hope to stand against Giratina's raw strength!"

"We'll just see about that!" Marcus shot back.

"We sure will! Giratina, hit it with Ancientpower!"

"Use Agility to dodge it!"

Giratina launched another glowing sphere, but Deoxys put on a burst of speed and easily avoided it.

"Try a Dragonbreath!" Willowe ordered.

"Dodge with Agility!" Marcus commanded.

Giratina exhaled more green breath, but Deoxys just sped up and flitted aside.

"It's only a matter of time before you lose, Willowe!" Marcus taunted. "Thanks to Exeggutor's Leech Seed, Giratina's energy has slowly been draining away. At this point evasion tactics alone could win this for me."

"Oh, is that what you think?" Willowe raged, tossing her hair in anger. "Well, think again! I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve! Try dodging this! Giratina, Shadow Force!"

Giratina let out a roar. Its mask glowed red and then, amazingly, it vanished into thin air!

This isn't good, Marcus thought. There's no telling where that attack will come from!

"Hurry, Deoxys," he instructed. "Get to another meteorite!"

Deoxys nodded, zoomed across the room to another destroyed case, and brought about another transformation by touching the stone within. It grew much bulkier and regained the red coloration on its torso and legs. It regrew its two lost tentacles, and all four grew wide and flat. Its head and neck had merged together into a dome shape, but its face and gem still hadn't changed.

Just when the transformation was complete, Giratina appeared behind Deoxys and shot an arcing black beam from its mouth.

"Turn around and use Mirror Coat!" Marcus ordered.

Deoxys turned and spread its tentacles just in time to take a blast to the chest. It was blown back, badly injured. It remained airborne, though, and then, amazingly, it shot a beam from its gem, the exact same color as Giratina's last attack but twice the size, that nailed the Renegade Pokemon in the face and caused it to buckle under the attack's incredible power, struggling to remain conscious.

"This battle's nearly over, Willowe!" Marcus said. "Giratina just took its own attack at double the strength! One more hit and it's finished!"

"The same can be said of Deoxys!" the Sue retaliated. "And, in case you didn't realize, Deoxys is too slow to dodge attacks in its Defense Form!

"Now, Giratina, win me this battle with a Dragonbreath!"

"Avoid it, Deoxys, and get to another meteorite!" Marcus commanded.

Willowe just laughed as Giratina exhaled its green fumes, but she stopped short when Deoxys narrowly avoided the attack and moved to another space rock at moderate speed.

"Impossible!" the Sue exclaimed. "How can it be moving so quickly?"

"Don't you remember how Deoxys kept using Agility in its Speed Form?" Marcus responded. "Its Form may have changed, but it still kept the boost."

In only a couple of seconds, Deoxys reached the third meteorite and initiated its third transformation. This one looked a lot like its Normal Form, but its torso was black, and it had three pointy fins on its head, one on the top and two on the sides. Its face and gem were the same as ever.

"Excellent," Marcus said. "Now, Deoxys, since your attack strength has just gone up considerably, it's time to end this with a Hyper Beam!"

Deoxys let out an excited hum and held its tentacles like it did for Psycho Boost, but this time the ball of energy was a yellow-orange color.

"Defend with Dragonbreath, Giratina!" Willowe screamed.

Giratina exhaled more green breath just as Deoxys released a powerful beam from the orb of energy, but the defense proved to be ineffective. The Hyper Beam blasted right through the Dragonbreath and, with a final roar, Giratina was defeated.

"Yes!" Kenneth cheered. "You did it! You finally beat her!"

"Hardly!" Willowe sneered, recalling Giratina and flipping her hair for… I don't know, emphasis? "In case you've forgotten, Giratina was only my first Pokemon! I have five more to use, and each of them is every bit as strong as Giratina!"

"Oh, really?" Marcus said with a grin. "Show me."

"You bet I will!" the Sue told him. She reached for one of the Pokeballs on her belt but, to her complete surprise, they were all gone!

"My Pokeballs!" she cried. "Where are they?"

Marcus smiled bigger and pointed beside him. There was a red zigzag floating in the air. The colors around it morphed and in a second Willowe recognized it as the Kecleon she had battled earlier.

"Keclee!" it said, opening its mouth to reveal the five Pokeballs within.

"W-what?" Willowe stammered. "B-but how—?"

"I had this all planned out from the beginning," Marcus bragged. "You see, I knew you wouldn't have just a single Pokemon, no matter how confident you were, so I came up with a plan to make sure you couldn't use them.

"You were right when you said that a Pokemon can't be knocked out right after using Substitute. In reality, Kecleon only pretended to be unconscious so I could recall it and use it later.

"Voltorb's Explosion provided the perfect diversion to cover me releasing it again, and it immediately camouflaged itself. Then, while you were distracted by the battle with Deoxys, it snuck up behind you and stole your Pokeballs with its tongue!

"I was three steps ahead of you the entire time. Face it, Willowe," he finished. "You've lost!"

"A battle and a cushy job, yes," the Sue snapped. "But not the war! You haven't seen the last of me, kid—that's a promise!"

With that, she tore a hole in time and space and leapt through.

There was a moment of silence in the laboratory, finally broken by Kenneth.

"Wow," he said. "Where'd she go?"

"Search me," Marcus shrugged, taking the Pokeballs from Kecleon and recalling it and Deoxys. "But for now, my work here is done. Here," he said, handing Kenneth the Pokeball containing Deoxys. "I'm keeping the other Pokemon as evidence. You just go on that journey of yours. We'll be monitoring you, but if you're lucky (but not too lucky) you'll never have to see me again."

The Society agent pulled out his portal gun and shot open a plothole of his own. With a final cry of "good luck!", he leapt through and disappeared.


"…and that's pretty much the whole story," Marcus finished reporting to Tash, his tall, blonde, British boss. Then, out of nowhere, she slapped him across the face!

"That was for not calling in backup when you first heard Willowe was there!" she told him as he rubbed his raw cheek. "Willowe is Society Enemy Number One! You can't just go after her alone, especially on your first mission!"

Then, even more surprisingly, she reached over and squeezed him in a bone-crushing hug.

"And that," she said. "Was for upending her plans for that fandom. It slowed her progress considerably. The Society definitely needs your brains."

"And I'm glad to provide them," Marcus replied.


Willowe, meanwhile, was sitting on her throne in her base, going over the day's events in her head. Finally, she came to a decision.

"Xavier!" she called.

Immediately a white-haired, blue-eyed, teenaged Stu appeared before her.

"What is it, my liege?" he asked.

"I'm assigning you a new duty. That boy I just battled? Marcus? Something he said about his writing caught my attention. I want you to investigate him. Take him on as much as you can and report your findings straight to me."

"Yes, ma'am!" Xavier replied. "I'll get right on it!"

"Good," Willowe said with a dazzling smile. "He's hiding something, and I'll do whatever it takes to use it against him!"

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Insert Unimaginative Pirate Name Here

Captain Jack Sparrow was on the alert.

He had been up most of the night, every night for the past few days, watchful, waiting. He couldn't afford to sleep, not with the dangers that were now prowling the ocean waters. But it wasn't a monster he so feared, not some foul creature of the deep. He had died once, he could handle whatever any monsters could dish up. No, his nightmare was a human foe, one of surpassing beauty and intelligence and deviousness and beauty and...

Stop that! He whacked an open palm against the side of his head in an effort to halt his treacherous train of thought.

If you haven't guessed it by now, you haven't been in the fanfiction business for very long.

Yep. Jack Sparrow was on the lookout for Mary-Sues.

Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Hikaru Arwennia Heliotrope Sandriline Delilah Aphrodite Bob Yuffiana Vipertooth Foxblade the Third had approached him seven days prior, claiming to have "information of interest" to him. Now, when she said it, she had fluttered her long, perfectly curled eyelashes and swished her extravagant, luxurious, ankle-length auburn hair in the most beautiful fashion, all the while telling him about her murdered parents and rebellious, sequel-fodder younger sisters. So it was no surprise or consequence that Jack failed to notice that she was, in actuality, distracting him while Barbosa and his crew stole the Chinese map. It was completely not his fault that he, along with every other man in the room, fell to her charms. It was unavoidable, perhaps even expected.

That was what he told himself, anyway.

It wasn't until a few days afterward (a length of time that felt like weeks to the poor readers) that Jack was approached by another woman, and for a moment he thought it was Willowe again. However, this woman was clearly less jaw-droppingly gorgeous as her, though she did have similar red hair. He remained suspicious, however, and approached with caution. It was in meeting her and her companions, a group of women who called themselves the Anti-Chiche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, that he discovered what manner of beast that Willowe actually was: a demoness with unmatched skills in combat, a woefully come-and-bond-with-me tragic past, and supernatural powers of seduction. After no small amount of bargaining (which will not be written here - either because the authoress hasn't seen the POTC movies recently enough to dialogue it properly or out of laziness, no one can be certain), Jack agreed to help the Society set a trap for Willowe.

"Are you sure this will work?" he asked one of them.

Valerie nodded. "Self-inserts have many of the same abilities as Mary-Sues," she began. "We can take advantage of plotholes, blend in instantly to whatever fandom we're in, and be able to fight as well as we'd like. We also have a slightly less exagerated ability to attract male characters, but we're not supposed to use that power unless it's a dire emergency." At this she gave her fellow Society members, particularly Terrie, a stern look.

"What?" Terrie asked, putting on her best I'm innocent face. Valerie rolled her eyes.

Monika added, "Sues are a completely different breed of character than self-inserts. They don't even need to be made by a fanfiction author. Sometimes they're completely built into the story by its original author. There's nothing we can do then."

"Yeah," Danielle muttered, "Ever read Twilight? One of my first solo assignments, and my biggest mistake."

"Mary-Sues are just better equipped than self-inserts," Valerie concluded.

"Sues also have much more exceptional hearing," called a melodious (yet rebellious with a suitably sarcastic edge) voice. "We're also much better at keeping our mouths shut on stealth missions, in case you couldn't tell."

Out from the shadows stepped a young woman in her late teens or early twenties (depending on the fandom). She was form-fitting black and red corset, a long skirt with a slit up the side, and an off-white chimese for that "wansering gypsy" look. The outfit was completed by multiple gold and silver bangles and other various jewelry that refused to clink together and give away her position, and a scarlet bandana that offset her ankle-length auburn hair that was billowing gorgeously in a nonexistant breeze. Her stunning violet eyes seemed to pierce the night, and yet they held a sadness that Jack felt somehow compelled to wipe away...

Damn it! he thought furiously, smacking himself on the head again. One of the girls behind him giggled, then stopped.

"Wait..." said Stacey, brow furrowed in thought. "We're on a ship in the middle of nowhere. How did you get here without our knowing?"

Willowe smirked cutely and pointed to a rapidly closing black hole hanging in the air. "Same way you guys did: plothole."

"How do plotholes work, anyway?" Jack asked, staring at the contraption. This could prove handy knowledge in the future...

"Every fandom is nothing but plotholes, at least in its earliest conception," Valerie explained. "It's up to writers and occassionally fanfiction authors to close them as the story grows, but sometimes there are still a few left. It just takes an experienced eye to actually see them. Unfortunately, there are some fanfiction authors who take horrible advantage of these plotholes and use them to sneak Mary-Sues and self-inserts into a fandom. And once a Sue is well into a fandom, she's pretty hard to get out."

"But aren't you guys self-inserts too?"

Stacey shot the captain a look. "We're here for a good cause, thank you very much."

Valerie blinked, then stepped forward. "We are the Anti-Chiche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society!" she intoned gravely, thinking it appropriate for the creepy dead-of-night setting.

"Anticlimactic, more like..." Willowe muttered, rolling her eyes.

Valerie chose to ignore that one. She frowned and pulled out her pirate cutlass, holding it up threateningly. "Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Hikaru Arwennia Heliotrope Sandriline Delilah Aphrodite Bob Yuffiana Vipertooth Foxblade the Third, we are placing you under arrest for attempted mutilation of no less than six fandoms!"

"Jack Sparrow!" Willowe called, ignoring the Society members, "I can lead you to the Fountain of Youth you know. With the map gone, I'm the only one who knows where it is. And don't think you can use your lovely little magic compass to find it," she added as Jack attempted to interrupt, "Just give it a try. It won't work."

Curious, Jack pulled the compass out of his pocket and held it in his hand. The needle spun around once before quivering to a halt. It was pointed directly at Willowe. More specifically, it was pointed to a part of her immaculate anatomy that would be mentioned here, were it not for the fact that the authoress has ratings to uphold. The Society members rolled their eyes, and Willowe took a few steps forward.

"I can take you there, Captain," she said in her most dangerously seductive voice. She walked forward in time with her words, and the pirate was putty in her perfectly manicured hands. Too easy, she thought smugly to herself.

However, it was at this point that Valerie smirked confidently and nodded to Terrie and Danielle. Both rushed from their hiding places and charged the surprised Mary-Sue from behind. Willowe was soon pinned down in a (surprisingly graceful) heap and Jack, released from Willowe's passionate embrace, fell to the floor with a resounding thunk. He lay there for a while, still caught in a Sue-induced stupefied daze. Stacey, recognizing the signs of personality mutilation, went to him to make sure he wasn't too hurt. Willowe fought mildly under the girls' hold, but wasn't too bothered. Things were all going quite predictably, really...

...until Valerie came forward, holding a small, complicated-looking machine about the size of her fist in her hand. Willowe's eyes widened at the sight of it, and her struggling increased dramatically. "No! No!" she cried. "Get that thing away from me!"

"What is that?" Monika asked as she assisted the others in restraining Willowe.

"Plot device," Valerie answered grimly. "One of the only things able to stop a Mary-Sue in her tracks. I'm writing a fanfic, so I had a spare one, and I think it's about time we used it."

Terrie looked at the device apprehensively. "Val, you gotta be careful with those things. One wrong move..."

"I know," she interrupted, "but this one's eluded capture far too many times. Now hold her still."

The other three pressed down hard to hold Willowe down, and Valerie carefully placed the plot device in front of the Sue. A small probe rose up from the top and lit a tiny light in a sweep around the scene. "It's examining our surroundings," Valerie explained in a hushed tone. "It analyzes everything in the immediate area to decide on the best course of action." Willowe stared wide-eyed at the device, real fear evident in her eyes for the first time in years. The world seemed to go quiet as everyone waited...

The device glowed briefly, then exploded into ash.

Stacey blinked and stared at the place where the little machine had been. "That's it?" she cried incredulously. "It didn't do anything!"

"Oh yes it did!"

Everyone looked around frantically for the source of the voice. Finally Danielle pointed. "Up there!"

In the middle of the sky, a positively enormous plothole ripped open, dwarfing everything and everyone below. From its inky depths came a male figure, lean but muscular, with casually swept-back blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes. This figure swung down on a rope that also emerged from the plothole (which was somehow suspended in midair) and heroically swooped Willowe out of the grasp of her captors. The rope took them across the sky and deposited them a safe distance away.

The Society looked on in horror. "What are you doing?" Valerie cried.

"Hi," the male figure said casually. "I'm Russell. I'm here to pick up my girlfriend, since you lot are being such bullies."

"But she's destroying worlds!" Monika protested. "She needs to be put away so she can never ruin a fandom ever again! How can you be helping her?"

Willowe smirked and leaned against her rescuer's chest, her ankle-length auburn hair wrapping around him lovingly. Russell placed a protective arm around her shoulders and stood very heroically in the dim lighting. It was then that the Society members realized what they were up against.

"You're a Gary-Stu?" Stacey whispered in wonderment.

"Wasn't some guy named Michael supposed to be taking care of them?" Danielle wondered aloud.

"Valerie! Guys!" A tall blonde figure came running from out of the mist that was conveniently gathering around the... wherever it was they were at. Really, it didn't matter at this point, so description would be entirely redundant. Really. Anyway, the woman ran up to the Society members, panting from the exertion. After a moment she stood tall, and the group recognized her as Tash, the de-facto leader of the Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society. "Guys," she said, still a bit breathless, "I came to warn you! I just got a message from Blake, there's a Gary-Stu on the loose, and he's likely to join up with Willowe, so..." she trailed off as several of the Society members pointed wordlessly at the couple in the distance. "Oh."

"You're too late, Miss Natasha," Russell called mockingly, "and now my girlfriend and I bid you all a fond farewell." He tugged on the rope, which rose of its own accord and swung them both back into the giant plothole, which promptly closed behind them.

For a while no one moved.

"I'm so stupid!" Valerie finally shouted, falling to her knees in frustration.

Terrie patted her friend on the shoulder. "I did warn you to be careful with that plot device, didn't I?" she said quietly. "They can be used to promote Suishness if used incorrectly." Valerie simply punched the ground angrily, then winced and shook out her sore hand.

The others began packing up when Stacey waved them over. Jack was regaining consciousness. He blinked blearily, then looked a tad bit surprised at being in the presence of so many women. "Did I die again? Because this must be heaven..."

The Society members giggled a bit, and Tash rolled her eyes with a resigned smile. "When in Rome..." She quickly summoned a plothole to take them all to Tortuga, where they took a brief but fun vacation with some of the sexiest pirates alive.

Meanwhile, Willowe and Russell were already deep into another fandom, and were currently relaxing in a shady grove, away from any prying eyes.

"Our list of enemies is growing," Russell remarked absently as he stroked Willowe's pale, flawless arm.

"Well," said Willowe, "that doesn't bother me much. We've no shortage of allies either, and no matter how many Society members there are, we'll always be stronger." She leaned up and delivered a soft kiss. "Especially now that we're together again."

Underneath the kiss, Russell smirked. Nothing will stop us now...

Insert Poorly Recorded Hyrulean History Here (lost)

Our very first lost episode, I'm afraid. Written by DuelistBlake1988 (later known as Game Master Blake, later known as Warlord Sonic Snake, later known as GamerBlake90), Blake quit the Society due to some personal issues, and deleted all of his entries. Only a summary on our wikia remains, to be re-posted here:

"A mysterious person shows up in the Legend of Zelda fandom… who looks exactly like Link, only with white instead of green clothing. Link can’t understand what’s going on until new Society agent Blake shows up revealing that the new person is actually Russell, Willowe's boyfriend, and he’s using the Chaos Emerald from the Sonic fandom to warp reality! Blake chases Russell out and restores the fandom but fails to capture the Stu… and also plays a little prank on the fandom just for kicks."

This was the first of a planned trilogy of stories, only two of which made it to Our appologies for the inconvenience. An extra chapter will be posted today to make up for it.


Resident Healer
Current Blog Updater
Only Psychologist In The Room (It's A Big Room)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Insert Unpronounceable Alien Species Here

Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurella Dewdrop Hikaru Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Vipertooth Foxblade the Third paced the TARDIS, the heels of her boots clicking as they moved with quick, flowing steps. The Doctor shook his head in a fond manner before going back to tinkering with the controls of his beloved ship. As they began to fly to their next destination, a smile of anticipation crossed Willowe's delicate face, as she realised where they were headed next.

From beneath one of the floor panels, Captain Jack Harkness watched Willowe pace, his eyes turning soft as he gazed at the beautiful stranger. It seemed like only yesterday she had been discovered hiding on planet Earth from the Daleks, who wanted her dead because of her previously unknown ability to arouse the most powerful emotions in the hearts of any human. It was no surprise therefore that Jack was completely besotted with her, and even the Doctor had not hesitated to invite her onto his ship.

The length of time was meaningless to the poor readers however, who by now felt like getting on their knees and praying for the end of the universe.

Willowe seemed to feel the eyes of the handsome captain on her, and she turned and crouched beside the open floor panel, her long thick locks of auburn hair flowing down her back, causing Jack to wish he could touch such beauty.

"When the Doctor lands the TARDIS, would you accompany me on a walk down the beach Jack?" she asked, her melodic voice tinged with hope.

"I would be delighted," Jack said in his most confident manner, despite the fact that inside he was melting with joy that the most beautiful woman he had ever seen wanted him.

"Wonderful!" Willowe said happily. "Excuse me. I must go change outfits again – this one won't do at all."

She glided gracefully away, leaving the Doctor and Jack alone in the main room.

"Have you told her?" Jack asked the good looking Timelord.

"No," the Doctor shook his head. "She must not know that she's really the last Timelord besides myself in existance. She's clearly used to living as a human, and that amount of information could kill her."

Jack looked horrified at the very thought.

"She must never know," the Doctor cautioned. "She's already seen too much in her life. What with her parents dying at such a young age and being left to care for her sisters with no one else to turn too. I will not add to her burdens."

Jack was about to admit the Doctor was right, when the alarm suddenly went off. Puzzled, Jack jumped out of the hole in the floor and the Doctor pulled one of the monitors around to see what the problem was.

"What?" he asked, upon reading the screen. "What?"

"Teleport breach?" Jack questioned. "Where?"

There was a sudden warp in the wall behind them, and a plothole opened, spitting out three girls onto the floor in a disheveled tangle of limbs.


"BETH! That's my foot!"

"Well that's my stomach Kate!"

At this point, Willowe reappeared, dressed in tight skinny jeans that accentuated slim but powerful-looking legs, and black knee high boots. Finishing off was a fitted pink t-shirt. Her perfect brow creased as she saw the three new arrivals.

"Who are they?" she asked.

"Oi!" the Doctor yelled, as the three women picked themselves up. "Get out of my TARDIS!"

"Who are you three?" Jack asked, his eyes drawn to the t-shirts that the young hitchhikers wore. They were green with red Welsh dragons on the front. All three women had blonde hair, but the two smallest ones (who looked as though they could be twins) had curly hair that exploded in every direction, while the tallest had straight hair that came half way down her back. As one, they all pulled out identity cards.

"Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society!" one of the shorter girls proclaimed.

"We're here," the other continued. "To arrest Miss Foxblade for messing up the canon personalities in this fandom."

"You people!" Willowe gasped. "Where are the girls who normally run the Society?"

"Well," the tallest girl said. "Tash's team are currently helping another faction of the Society deal with a Gary-Stu…and Valerie's team are still stuck in the Sailor Moon world from what we heard…"

"Emma!" the second girl shouted. "Stop rambling and help me!"

She had latched onto Willowe's arm and was trying to drag her away from the Doctor. Willowe whirled around and was trying to flee, her waterfall of auburn locks flying out behind her.

"God Beth!" the girl's twin rolled her eyes, grumbling in a scouse accent. "You're so bossy! Let me help."

Shaking her head, she grabbed Willowe's other arm, ducking another face full of silky hair as the Sue struggled.

"I see what Lauren meant – that hair is annoying as hell."

Emma grinned sheepishly at the Doctor.

"Sorry, it's our first day on the job," she explained.

"Rookies, eh?" Jack winked at her, and Emma felt herself blush.

"Oi!" Beth snapped. "Stop flirting with my sister!"

"You rather I flirted with you?" Jack asked, giving her a once over. Beth arched an eyebrow before dropping Willowe's arm.


"Beth!" Kate cautioned. "Tash warned us about this in training! We can't let our Self Insert-ness interfere with our mission!"

"…oh screw Tash!" Beth proclaimed. "It's Jack Harkness!"

And she crossed the room and lip locked with the handsome American captain.

"Beth!" Kate yelled. "You're useless you!"

The Doctor, who's canon personality had been shattered by the sight of so many pretty fangirls, decided to speak up at this moment. "We've landed on the beaches of Karak."

"Oooh beaches!" Emma said enthusiastically. "Nice ones? We don't have any of those in Wales!"

"Wanna join me?" the Doctor asked, grabbing his long coat. Emma beamed.

"Sure! But first…" she reached up and ruffled his messy dark hair. "I've always wanted to do that!"

Kate had gone completely slack with disbelief as Beth began undressing the captain, and Emma strode out of the TARDIS doors hand in hand with the Doctor. It was only when the doors slammed shut, that she realised that she had let go of Willowe, and the Mary-Sue was nowhere to be found.

"Well darn and smite," she muttered. "I suppose I'd better go report this…Tash was right. These captures never go as planned." She grinned suddenly. "Good thing I have a boyfriend!"

And so while Emma and Beth were significantly distracted by their time travelling admirers, Kate returned to report their failure. Meanwhile, Willowe retreated into another plothole, cursing the expanding society for foiling her tragic life even more, and returning to her sequel fodder sisters to plot her next fandom invasion.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Insert Overly-Dramatic Henshin Sequence Here

Usagi was thankful for a new member of the Sol System Senshi, but she wasn't expecting this. Several months ago, Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Hikaru Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third entered Juuban Junior High School. Usagi, Ami, Makoto, and Minako quickly befriended the girl and found out she was Sailor Sun, the long lost older sister of Princess Serenity.

Now, Usagi, Mamoru, Chibiusa, and Willowe stood in the park. Tears rolled down Usagi's cheeks as she watched Willowe kiss Mamoru's cheek. "But…Mamo-chan, why?" Usagi demanded. Mamoru sighed and shook his head.

"Surely you can see, Usako. Willowe's so intelligent, and beautiful. She'd make a much better bride than you," Mamoru replied.

"Yeah! Willowe would be a better mom than you, Usagi!" Chibiusa cried as she crossed her arms.

"Not you, too, Chibiusa-chan!" Usagi cried.

"I'm sorry, Usagi-chan, but it seems they're both against you. I hope we can still be friends," Willowe said with a smile.

"Mary-Sue Thrashing Avalanche!" a voice called. From the shadows stepped five girls dressed in fukus of the same style. The first was a girl with red-streaked, short brown hair. Her fuku was violet, with a gold brooch bearing the symbol of a group of women chasing an impossibly beautiful girl with torches and pitchforks. "I am the daughter of Mother Nature, herself! Sailor suited pretty soldier, Sailor Thrasher!" she cried.

"I am the chosen daughter of the angels. Sailor suited pretty soldier with the power of the soul, Sailor Punisher!" the second of the five girls cried. She had long, brunette hair and was fairly taller than the first brunette. Her fuku was green, bearing the same gold brooch.

"I am the messenger of the rain! Sailor suited pretty soldier, Sailor Basher!" cried a girl with dark blonde hair. Her shoulder-length blonde hair was pulled into two pigtails at the base of her neck. She wore a fuku of blue.

"I am the shining star of light! Sailor suited pretty soldier, Sailor Executioner!" cried the thin redhead beside Sailor Basher. She wore a fuku of silver. In her hands was a large scythe. Her wavy red hair was pulled into a ponytail.

"Finally, I am the dancer of the wind. Sailor suited pretty soldier, Sailor Judge!" cried the tallest of the five girls. Her fuku was the strangest of all, covered in vibrant rainbows.

"On behalf of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society…" began Thrasher.

"…we'll punish you!" the others chimed in.

"Oh joy…I wondered when you freaks would show up," Willowe stated, and with a single flourish of her hand, had her henshin wand ready. "Sun Crystal Power, Make-UP!" she cried and transformed into a gold and orange fuku. "Now…shall we get down to it?" Willowe, now Sailor Sun, asked.

"Hold it, could someone explain what's going on?" asked a female voice. Thrasher turned and had to cover her mouth to keep from squealing. There, stood a tall, blonde female senshi, dressed in a fuku of navy blue and yellow. Beside her were three teenage women dressed in leather fukus.

"Aren't you four a little early?" asked Punisher, pushing her hair out of her face. She smiled slightly at Seiya, but turned around to look at Willowe and Mamoru. "Would you get away from him?" she asked, and with a flick of her hand, sent Willowe flying. She grinned at Mamoru, only to be trapped in a conversation about how she used her powers.

"Not again…" groaned Sailor Executioner. "Terrie!" she cried. Thrasher nodded and took that chance to rush at Willowe. "Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Hikaru Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third, you're under arrest!" she cried, and fell forward, lifting herself onto her hands. Lifting one of her hands, she forced herself into a spin, kicking out her legs, to catch Willowe in the jaw. She flipped onto her feet and grinned.

"Where'd you learn to do that!" Basher exclaimed.

Sailor Thrasher grinned, striking a pose. "Karate class," she stated simply.

Uranus patted Thrasher on the shoulder and grinned. "Not bad," the blonde senshi stated.

"My turn!" Sailor Executioner said with a grin. She lifted her scythe and took a six-foot swing at Willowe who managed to dodge by leaping into the air over the weapon. "Terrie, you're the only person with fighting experience! A little help, please!" Sailor Executioner cried.

Sailor Thrasher had found herself wrapped in the arms of Sailor Uranus. She turned and looked at Sailor Executioner. "I couldn't help it! She's just so cool!" she cried.

"How about we go grab a bite?" Uranus asked.

"Okay!" Thrasher cried, and walked off with Uranus.

Mamoru smiled. "Count us in!" Punisher cried and rushed off after them with Mamoru.

"Terrie! Valerie!" Sailor Basher cried. She groaned and lifted her hands into the air. "Basher Suebane Waterfall!" Sailor Basher cried, sending the water from her hands, and into Willowe's chest.

"Well, how 'bout it?" Yaten, who had detransformed with the rest of the Starlights, asked, grinning at Sailor Basher. The blonde girl nodded and headed off down the street with him.

"Stacey!" Executioner cried, only to receive a light elbow in her ribs from Seiya. She couldn't help but realize how that perverted smile reminded her of a certain feather-hatted character in one of her own stories and was off with him.

"C'mon!" Sailor Judge cried, but sighed unhappily, but she couldn't help noticing the nerdy stud beside her. She smiled a bit at Taiki and took the offered arm.

Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Sakura Foxblade the Third sighed and shook her head. "Why am I not surprised?" she muttered and took the chance to exit through another plothole.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Insert Innacurate Historical Reference Here

Several weeks had gone by since Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third showed up as a transfer student to Kagome's school, befriended the girl, and began walking her home on a regular basis. Her own home - a mansion, since her tragically negligent adoptive father was the new British ambassador to Japan - was conveniently located only a few blocks past the shrine. The man had opted for this job in order to get away from their old home where his wife had been mysteriously murdered and Willowe's rebellious, sequel-fodder younger sisters had vanished only months earlier, but that was besides the point.

During this time, Willowe had successfully turned Hojo's attention away from Kagome (this was how they made friends), felt a "mysterious calling" coming from the direction of the Goshinboku, and fell down a plothole into the Sengoku Jidai. It was soon discovered that Willowe could see Shikon Jewel shards, though she could not use the Well to get back to her own time. So, since she was currently trapped in this era with no way home, Willowe bravely decided to make the best of her situation, honing her newly-found priestess powers with Lady Kaede.

This entire sequence of events only took a few days, despite the fact that the poor readers felt like it took a few years.

She was currently traveling with the Inu-tachi, on the trail of another Jewel shard. Miroku was asking Willowe to bear his child for about the twentieth time when suddenly she stopped in her tracks, her luxurious ankle-length auburn hair swishing slightly and her stunning yet piercingly intense violet eyes wide.

"What is it, Willowe?" asked Miroku, disappointed that he didn't get to ask his trademark question yet again.

Willowe shuddered dramatically, goosebumps rising on her flawless alabaster skin. "I sense something... powerful... coming this way!"

Sango, who was in the middle of pounding her love interest on the head yet again, asked, "Can you tell from which direction?"

Before Willowe could answer, a great wind passed just over the group, causing her luxurious ankle-length auburn locks to rise and fall with the wind in the most beautiful fashion. When the wind fell, out from the trees came...

"Sesshomaru?" everyone asked incredulously and simultaneously.

"Indeed," said the taiyoukai, "I am here because Willowe's great beauty and purity has entranced me, and I have come to make her Lady of the West because I am irrevokably in love with her."

Somehow, this statement surprised no one, especially those familiar with Mary-Sue stories. However, Inuyasha felt compelled to at least ask, "But how can you be in love with a human? I thought you hated them."

"Yes, well, that's for me to know, isn't it?" Sesshomaru responded, sounding annoyed. "If you must know, her purity and tragic past won me over. Now, Willowe, will you be my mate?"

Before the unspeakably beautiful girl could answer, Inuyasha's ears perked up adorably, and he growled at the scent of another being stalking out from amongst the trees. This man was not nearly as handsome as Sesshomaru, as cute as Miroku, or as rugged as Inuyasha, but rather bore a look of untamed malevolence. This, plus tentacles extending from his back, was a dead giveaway.

"No!" Naraku shouted in a frustrated and completely out-of-character fashion, "I refuse to let this start again! Every time a Mary-Sue is introduced, I am always shunted off to the side! I'm the main villain, dammit! The Final Boss! You people can't just toss me aside!"

Sesshomaru, who had retained enough of his canon personality to be bored by this outburst, casually examined his claws and said, "Your point being?"

"My point," the evil hanyou spat, "is that I am tired of authors using Mary-Sues to ignore character and plot development!"

"We couldn't agree more, Naraku!"

Everyone turned in the direction the new voice came from - that is, all except for Willowe, who suddenly looked annoyed.

Five women stood side by side in the clearing ahead. The tallest of them had wavey blonde hair and a button nose, and bore a look that suggested she found the whole situation incredibly amusing. Only a few inches shorter than her was a brunette with a confident smile. To either side of them stood a shorter girl with darker blonde hair and an impossibly slim redhead. On the second blonde's opposide side was a heavyset girl with cropped, dark brown hair and enormous brown eyes. All of them wore matching t-shirts bearing a group of women chasing a particularly gorgeous woman with torches and pitchforks.

"It's a good thing we're in a forest," Willowe remarked casually, examining her perfectly manicured nails, "otherwise these introduction scenes would be really hard to write."

"Shut it, Sue!" the shorter blonde said harshly. "We're with the Anti-Chiche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, and we're here to stop you once and for all!"

The taller blonde giggled a bit. "You tell 'em, Stacey!"

"Really," Willowe sighed, "this is getting old. If I may ask though, where are Tash and the rest? I thought they made up the Anti-whatever-it-is society."

At that, the shortest brunette snickered, and the redhead and tall blonde both rolled their eyes. The taller brunette spoke up. "They all got caught up in shameless romantic fantasies - one of the risks of being self-inserts, I guess. Anyway, I'm Valerie. With me are Monika..." she indicated the tall blonde, who waved, "...Terrie..." the short brunette struck a pose, "...Stacey..." the darker blonde smiled cutely, "...and Danielle," the redhead bowed and rose up with a mock salute. "We're the new deputies to the Society while its leaders are, uh... busy," Valerie concluded with a shy grin.

"And now that introductions are out of the way," Danielle said impatiently, rushing forward to grab the stunned (but still somehow retaining her beauty and grace) Mary-Sue, "Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third, you are under arrest!"

Stacey grinned as her redheaded friend expertly pulled Willowe into a half-Nelson, and walked over to help her restrain the Sue. "Oh, come on," said Willowe, "We all know how this is going to end. You're going to think you caught me, and then you'll get distracted or something, and I'll get away to invade another fandom. That's how it always works."

"Not this time," said Monika with a triumphant grin.

Valerie nodded in agreement. "We won't be pulled into that black hole. We made a committment early on that we would never - Terrie!"

The shortest of the bunch was unable to answer her friend's outraged cry, as she was currently engaged in a passionate embrace with none other than Naraku. When they broke apart, Terrie grinned impishly at her friends. "What?" she said, "I've always wanted to do that!"

Monika sighed and shook her head, and Valerie continued to stare in shock. "Terrie, you swore!"

Terrie gave the group a look. "C'mon. You guys know me. Did you honestly think I wouldn't, if given the chance?"

In what seemed like a far-off corner of the scene, the hitherto forgotten Inuyasha cast look at each other in confusion. "I'm confused," Inuyasha said bluntly.

"You're always confused," muttered Shippo, who received a sizable lump on the head for his efforts.

Stacey, who had been trying her best not to stare at Inuyasha's positively adorable puppy ears, simply couldn't hold up anymore. Releasing her hold on Willowe, she trotted over to where the hanyou stood, blushed furiously, and reached up to tenatively rub his velvety soft ears. Inuyasha, surprisingly (or perhaps conveniently), allowed it, refraining from his usual volley of curses.

Kagome sighed. "Come on, Sango," she said. "Let's get out of here. The boys'll go back to normal once the self-inserts are gone. Honestly, they seem to cause more trouble than they prevent!"

Miroku, who had until now been lost in his own hentai thoughts at the sight of so many women in one place, shook his head as if to clear it, then purposefully strode over Danielle, who was struggling with keeping the Sue captive on her own. He took her hands into his own and looked deep into her clear, blue-grey eyes. "Will you bear my child?" he asked her in a deep, passionate voice.

Somehow this statement seemed like the most normal event of the day thus far.

Danielle looked into his dark violet eyes, hesitated, then gave in. "No," she said, "but we can do other things."

Miroku's face lit up with a boyish grin. "Good enough for me!" The pair smirked at each other and walked off-screen.

Valerie and Monika looked hopelessly at each other. Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third had long since gotten away, just as she had predicted. Terrie and Naraku were snogging very much in public, and Naraku, who was simply happy to be included in a romance story for a change, was showing more and more skin as the kiss went on... though how he got clothes around all those tentacles no one had any idea. Stacey was currently enjoying herself with Inuyasha, who was hesitant at first, then decided to go with it, his canon personality having been shattered into fragments by exposure to a Mary-Sue. Danielle and Miroku were nowhere to be seen, though what they were up to could most definitely be guessed at. Sesshomaru stood at the center of all this, looking exceedingly put-out for not having achieved his mate (every male personality had been mangled, it seemed).

Valerie looked at the taiyoukai, then at Monika, and sighed. "You go," Valerie said, "I'll go inform the Society of yet another failed arrest."

Monika smiled at her friend. "We'll catch her someday," she said cheerfully. Then with a wink, she ran after Sesshomaru, calling, "Sesshomaru! Are you still looking for a mate?"

Meanwhile, Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third looked over the now throughouly mutilated scene with a thoughtful frown crossing her perfectly alabaster brow. "Things are much less complicated in a fandom without so many girls in it," she thought to herself. Then she jumped into a plothole, off to continue on her mysterious, adventurous, perfectly Sueified quest.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Insert Badly Translated Egyptian Here

His name was Zachary Emerald Atemu Powerhouse Bell, and compared to the others in the small town of Domino, he was considered a god.

No one really questioned as to where he came from, for he didn't know himself. The gorgeous, overwhelmingly perfect creation of nature had come to Domino with amnesia.

He was a gorgeous creature, as all Gary Stu's—erm, people who were always over powered were. He wore an open ended vest to reveal his perfect muscular structure and a pair of blue jeans over his hips, and a body that had zero to almost negative amounts of body fat. His face was simply perfect, boyish look with long brown hair that hung like a veil obscuring his face (Some girls who met him thought this as a sin and a virtue at the same time, it just seemed RIGHT) with blue eyes to a point where the shade of blue was almost sickening.

All the girls fawned over him almost instantly, as his gorgeous blue eyes and massive muscles were enough to cause any female within a small 100 mile radius to drop whatever they were doing to merely GAZE upon his incredible stature. He was just that amazing.

It didn't exactly help when he beat the combined forces of Kaiba, Yugi and Joey…at the SAME TIME. Using monsters they themselves had never heard of.

And he had the gall to LECTURE them, noting that all cards had a spirit one must possess to use them properly and other such nonsense.

Normally Kaiba would have told him to go screw himself but the speech itself was so life changing that he too began to listen to what he said. Joey drooled like a fanboy.

Then worst of all came…

Yugi asked for tips.

The boy pretended to be modest and said that he couldn't teach the very King of Games new tips that he all ready knew, but he figured he would have the time.

It would only grow worse.

He eventually grew into one of the most well-known people throughout the entire Domino region, as he had every girls phone number, was envied by all males and was now the proclaimed greatest duelist to breathe.

It was another month before he remembered who he was, but he kept it a secret: Lord knows he wouldn't want people to find out he was merely the King of some far away land, and to find out that he was the reincarnation of a Pharaoh older than Atem himself didn't help matters either.

As he dueled some unmistakable horror that only he could beat for some unknown reason or another (aside from being god powered, super powered, merely being Zach Bell helped in those situations) over the very future of the earth it was only then he realized that he would become the chosen one to wield the Millennium…something or other, gods alive.

By the end of the week the world was in his debt, all the girls were eventually his girlfriend at some point and all the men looked up to him as if he were a god. In some senses, he was.

One, however, would see through this veil of deceit…

He was walking through the woods, having gone through a wonderful date with the lovely Mai Valentine (whom, at this point, had completely forgotten about Joey) and recently saved the world from another evil (couldn't they leave him alone just ONCE?), merely happy to be alone for once, not surrounded by fans.

A branch snapped.

He turned around and was encountered by one of the strangest beings he'd seen (And coming from Zach, that was saying a lot).

He was about a good five foot eight inches if anything else, wearing nothing but black clothing. However, he sure didn't seem like a ninja, as his face was concealed by the Shakespearian mask of tragedy. In his hand was a sword, short and simple, and on his head was a straw hat.

Zach frowned. Who was this stranger who dared approach him, the seemingly perfect person in existence?

"And just who are-"

"Be quiet, you sickness," said the masked man, narrowing his eyes darkly behind the mask.

Zach blanched. He'd been spoken too in a snappish manner! That has never happened before! Usually people were struck silent at the mere sound of his voice. Something was odd…

"What did you call me?" Zach asked, taking a step forward.

"I called you a sickness," said the man again, his hand on the hilt of his sword, "A sickness, a disease, a mistake upon human lives that seem to dampen it all into a depressing lump of emotions." He chuckled darkly. "I think that fits you in a nutshell."

"How dare you speak to me?" Zach shouted, turning to face him, "I am Zachary – "

"Be quiet," said the man calmly, gripping his sword tightly.

Zach blinked. "Wh—"

Before he knew what was going on, the man was now beside Zach. One big difference…was his sword was now pressed hard against his jugular. "I said be quiet, scum…"

"What? How did you get that close to me with a sword? My mere aura causes other swords to rust and break within five feet of me!" Zach shouted, horrified.

"I'm immune to your threats, creature,' said the swordsman. "I'm immune to your powers, unlike the other humans you've manipulated and ruined."

He brought the sword down, and jammed it into his thigh. Zach cried out and fell to the ground, clutching his leg. Sure, he wasn't spurting blood on the ground. Perfect creature as Zach was, why would he need to bother with blood?

The swordsman slammed his foot into the chest of the Gary Stu, sending him deeper into the ground. "Scum like you ruins fanfictions," he said to the creature. "A sickness that puts perfection to a new high. Perfection that should never be achieved."

"How…how can you be immune to my powers?" Zach gasped after cringing in pain.

"I can thank my friend for that," he said. "She's almost in the same business as me… She handles the Mary Sue's though." He grinned. "Your kind is my specialty."

"But… but…" Zach gasped. His eyes flashed lifelessly. A Gary Stu can have no life though… bit of a contradiction ain't it? "These people need me! I'm… I'm… the… chosen… one…"

"Shhhh…" the Swordsman hissed at his newest prey. "Calm down child… the suffering shall end soon enough." He smirked, his eyes flashing.

After Gary Stu's rather impressive and extremely brutal (FAR too brutal for this story even!) occurred, it was as if Domino had woken up from a bad, bad dream. Everything seemed to go back to normal soon after…

You know, despite the headless, cut open form of Zachary Emerald Atemu Powerhouse Bell currently being strung up by its own internal organs found in the woods by a couple of unsuspecting children. The poor kids would be rather scarred for life.

A note was found near the body, along with a medallion with a GS on it, with a circle and a line going through it.

"Dear good people of Domino,

I merely write this to tell you of the destruction of a great evil that would have otherwise potentially ruined you all. It's as simple as that.

Despite the fact he seemed perfect; he was flawed in every sense of the word. He is far better off dead than he ever was alive.

I have come to do you all a good deed. I did it not out of honor, out of rewards, nor out of anything else egotistical.

I did it out of a good deed. And what can I say? I like killing Gary Stu's.

Do not attempt to follow me.

Do not attempt to find me.

For I am all ready gone.

Sincerely yours…

The Gary Stu Gutter."

Tash stared at her friend with a rather disgusted look. "Was the evisceration really necessary?"

"Yeah Aniki…" Miri mumbled. "That was more than what I needed to see…."

"Oh please." Michael rolled his eyes as he put his sword and mask away… for the time being anyway. "You may not handle Mary Sue's the same way, but I take care of Gary Stu's differently! I nip them in the bud and keep them from spreading."

Both girls rolled their eyes, but both grinned. "We're gonna give you props for killing your first Gary Stu…but you're gonna have others. Lord knows there's a lot of stuff out there that can have a Gary Stu in it!"

"Yeah, you best be ready Aniki!" Miri nodded.

Michael merely smirked. He was more than ready.

He could get used to his new job…

Monday, January 10, 2011

Insert Grossly Mutilated Latin Here

The Great Hall was abuzz with chattering students as Willowe Diamond Sparkle Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Heliotrope Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third, glided gracefully towards the Gryffindor table for lunch. Heaving a sigh from beneath her flowing Hogwarts robes, which somehow conformed to her naturally slim and beautiful figure, she deposited her stylish muggle bag on the bench, which despite being filled with the books for every subject in the school (and then some) she managed to carry around with unconscious elegance as though it were feather light.

She sat down next to Harry and gave him a glorious smile, before switching on her suitably cool lime green iPod Nano and placing the headphones into her perfectly shaped ears. Harry felt himself smile in return. He had never met anyone quite as wonderful as Willowe. It had only been a few weeks since she had mysteriously turned up at Hogwarts and been sorted into Gryffindor, but he felt as if he had known her all his life. He had told her everything about his own life and problems, and she in return had informed him that they shared a common bond – Willowe had been orphaned at a young age after her parents were killed in a freak accident on a pirate ship, orchestrated by none other than Lord Voldemort, the man who had tried (and failed many times) to kill Harry.

And so they had both sworn that they would help each other in their attempts to track down the Dark Lord, and make him pay for all the wrongs he had committed on them.

For now however, they had sixth year work to progress with. Willowe, being naturally talented and smart in every way, was taking every subject the school had to offer for N.E.W.T level, and still managed to find time to sign up for all extra curricular activities. This made her loved in the eyes of all the teachers, even Snape, who had gained an extreme amount of respect for her after Willowe had beaten him in a wizards duel in front of the rest of the Potions class. Even the Slytherins seemed to like her after discovering that her parents had been previously unknown pureblood wizards.

Willowe waved at Remus Lupin, who was seated at the staff table, having once again taken the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Sirius Black also sat at the table, being in charge of the school's security after Willowe had saved him from the veil and cleared his name in the eyes of the Ministry. Both of them waved back at her.

"It's great having them both here," Harry remarked, seeing where Willowe's attention was focused. "And it's great having you here too Willowe."

Willowe smiled, her wide violet eyes flashing with sincerity and care for her dear friend. "I am glad to be here Harry. Just knowing I can finally take my revenge on the heartless wizard who murdered my parents, and left me alone to care for my five sisters, is a joy."

At this point, the Hall doors banged open and three women, who were most definitely not students, charged in with roars of rage, brandishing wands and broomsticks. Several students screamed in fear, and ducked under the tables, thinking they were about to be attacked where they sat, but most people just looked rather confused.

"What's going on?" Harry asked, tensing with his own wand in his hand. Willowe rolled her eyes.

"It's the three authors!" she explained, rising to her feet and shaking her long auburn hair over her shoulders, where it rippled down her back in glorious waves of colour that were captured by the sunlight pouring through the enchanted ceiling. The shortest author twitched.

"Willowe…" the tallest author was panting as they pulled to a stop beside her. "This has gone far enough!"

"We've chased you over three different worlds now!" the middle author continued. "And you keep getting away!"

Willowe huffed in annoyance. "Why do you three feel the need to deprive me of my revenge? All I want is to get even with Lord Voldemort" – there was a shudder that rolled around the Great Hall – "for killing my parents and leaving my sisters to grow up without knowing who they were! Is it so wrong to want closure for the most horrific moment of my tragic life?"

Several of the students burst into tears of sympathy for the beautiful young stranger who had captured all their hearts. The three authoresses just looked disgusted.

"Someone gag me," the shortest asked.

"We don't care about your life's tragedies Foxblade," the tall author snapped, holding out her Firebolt. "Now get on the broomstick!"

"…y'know Tash," the middle author said. "If you took what you just said out of context…"

"Oh shut up Harriet!"

Sirius and Remus, who had by now overcome their shock, descended onto the Gryffindor table.

"What is going on?" Remus asked. "Who are you three?"

"We are the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society," all three of them proclaimed. "And we're here to arrest Willowe!"

As one, the three women pulled off their cloaks to reveal identical T-shirts with the name of their society and the logo splashed across the front. Sirius's eyes lingered on their chests a little longer than was strictly polite.

"Nice image," he complimented. All three authors raised their eyebrows.

"Ooooh no!" Tash said, waving her hands frantically. "We are not doing the Self Insert thing again! It always gets the better of us!"

"But being Self Inserts is the only way we can catch Mary-Sues," the shortest author pointed out.

"Lauren's right," Harriet nodded. "We should make the most of this opportunity."

And she turned to the Gryffindor table, grabbed the only person who wasn't shrinking away from her in fear (Cormac McLaggen) and jumped into his lap. The eyes of the other two authors went wide.

"Harriet if you're even thinking…" Lauren never got to finish, as Harriet had already grabbed the boy by the collar and was making out with him. Both girls groaned.

"Stop her!" Willowe shrieked at Sirius and Remus. "I'm supposed to be going on a date with Cormac tomorrow and teach him to discard his arrogance and pride!"

"Willowe!" Ron spluttered. "I thought you were going on a date with me tomorrow!"

"No! She was going out with me!" Draco Malfoy protested. "I was here first Weasel King!"

"Don't you dare interfere with Harriet's work!" Tash warned, glaring at Sirius who just stared at her.

"You're feisty," he remarked. "I like that in a woman!"

And not caring for her yelp of surprise, he swooped the author off her feet and carried her from the hall. Lauren looked a little helplessly around, before her eyes landed on Remus.

"I don't care if you're a werewolf Remus," she said, as the Defence teacher's mouth opened to protest. "And I don't care if you're poor. You're one of the bravest men alive in my opinion."

All Remus's resolve seemed to magically evaporate at the heartfelt words, and he pulled Lauren into a tight, loving hug to loud applause from the rest of the students.

Willowe left the school that evening under cover of darkness to confront Lord Voldemort, and after a long struggle, Willowe's charm and magically pure soul overwhelmed the Dark Lord so much that he snapped his wand in half and lived out the rest of his days as a tree-loving hippie. Harry Potter quickly got over the loss of his newly found friend and followed canon by dating Ginny Weasley (after his brief fling with Draco Malfoy was brought to an abrupt halt by the power of fangirls). Willowe left this world and continued on her journey, praying that she would one day find a way to eliminate such a devious and cunning group as the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Insert Badly Spelt Japanese Here

It had been a week since Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Bob Foxblade the Third had shown up mysteriously in Domino High School, and explained the tragic accident involving ancient magic that had torn her away from her home and her five rebellious, sequel-fodder younger sisters, and left her stranded in the city of Domino. It had also been a week since the Millennium Ring had homed in on the long lost Millennium Bracelet, which now rested around Willowe's dainty, slim, pale wrist. And it had also been a week since Willowe had come to the public's attention by defeating Seto Kaiba in a public duel.

So naturally all these events are why it just felt like seven months to the poor readers and not just seven days.

Willowe was currently seated beside the counter of the Kame Game Shop, watching Joey and Yugi duel, occasionally leaning over Yugi's shoulder and offering advice. Despite beating Seto, she had lost to Yugi, though only by a margin of fifty life points and one draw. Willowe heaved a sigh from her ample chest and flicked a lock of her ankle-length, auburn hair out of her deep violet eyes. The movement caught the attention of a certain Pharaoh, who had been leaning against the wall watching her intently. The Millennium Bracelet had given Yami and Bakura bodies of their own and both ex-spirits stood in the room observing along with Tea and Tristan, who were playing their usual role of duelling cheerleaders, and Marik, who had moved to Domino after Battle City for a reason unknown to the rest of the group.

As Joey was about to attempt a comeback, the door to the Game Shop opened, and one Seto Kaiba strode in, his icy eyes glaring at the gang, and in particular on Willowe, who gave him a warm smile that almost melted the ice around his heart – almost.

"Foxblade," he said.

"Seto?" Willowe asked sweetly.

"I'm here for a rematch," the CEO snapped.

This surprised no one, and Willowe heaved another sigh, reaching for her deck in a pink box in the pocket of her short skirt that exposed much of her graceful legs. Before she could remove it however, another voice interrupted.

"No you're not!" An angry brunette stepped out from behind Kaiba, a manga volume gripped in her left hand, an identity card in her right. Her T-Shirt proclaimed 'Screw The Rules, I Have Money!'

"Who are you?" Yami asked, stepping forwards in an attempt to protect everyone should the need arise. The woman held up the identity card.

"Anti-cliché and Mary-Sue elimination society," she recited before pointing at Willowe. "And you Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Bob Foxblade the Third, are under arrest!"

The fact that she managed to get the full name out in one breath was astonishing. Willowe attempted to flee the scene, her long, shimmering hair flying out majestically behind her. However she was stopped in the doorway by two more women. Another brunette, who was shorter than the first, carrying another manga volume and wearing a T-shirt with 'My Breasts Challenge You To A Duel!' splashed across the front. And a tall blonde, who carried a Duel Monster deck, and who's T-shirt read 'My Voice Gives Me Super Strength!'

"Got her Harriet!" the blonde pronounced gleefully, as they both frogmarched Willowe back into the room.

"Who are you people?" this time it was Marik who asked.

"They're the authors!" Willowe explained, her melodic voice tinged with a hint of fear.

"That's right!" the first woman, who apparently was Harriet, said. "We're here to save you all, by taking this miscreant out of this world so she stops messing up the balance of the Millennium Items and the status of famous duellists!"

"And for the love of God stop swishing your hair woman!" the shortest barked, as Willowe's curtain of hair fell in the way of her beautiful angelic face. The blonde author set about relieving Willowe of her deck and fishing through it until she found what she was looking for.

"But…if you guys are the authors," Joey said slowly. "Doesn't that make you…like, self inserts?"

"You know that's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say Mutt," Seto said. Joey looked ready to explode, but the tallest author jumped in with a frustrated growl.

"Argh! Why does this always happen when we try to save worlds?"

"Tash never mind about being self inserts!" the shortest girl, who's name was Lauren, said. "Just rip up that card already!"

Tash looked down at the fifth Blue Eyes White Dragon card that she had just plucked from Willowe's deck, and handed it to Seto, who gleefully ripped it to shreds.

"Now that that's over with," Harriet said, sweeping her own deep brown hair from her glittering green eyes, pouncing on the nearest bishie (Marik) and nibbling on his neck.

"Harriet!" both her companions whined, while Joey and Tristan started to wolf whistle.

"What?" Harriet said. "I'm a self insert! I won't apologise!"

"…fine, but the Tomb Robber's sexy ass is mine!" Tash proclaimed, grabbing Bakura by the back of the head and snogging him. Sitting next to Yugi, Ryou's eyes opened wide with alarm as he watched Bakura shrug and decide to just go with it.

"Oh dear God…" Lauren muttered, slamming the manga volume into her forehead a little too hard and almost concussing herself. She swayed on the spot a little bit and Yami immediately leaped forwards to stop her from crashing to the floor.

"…this is weird." Ryou proclaimed.

"Yeah weren't they supposed to be saving us or something?" Joey asked.

"Maybe they're planning to use fangirl love to drive away our enemies?" Tea suggested, as Lauren decided that she might as well join in, slipped the Millennium Bracelet onto her own wrist, and accepted the Pharaoh's proposal to be his queen.

"Yay for fangirl love!" Tash squeaked, in between tugging Bakura's shirt off.

"Whatever," Kaiba muttered. "If Foxblade won't duel, then I want to duel against Yugi!"

And so Yugi defeated Kaiba for what seemed to be the millionth time for all fans watching, as the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society took a brief break in Domino to have wild, passionate love affairs with their chosen partners. Meanwhile Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Bob Foxblade the Third mysteriously disappeared once again to wreak havoc upon another unsuspecting world and author… at least, until the Society catches up with her again.