Insert Overly Long and Descriptive Title Here

"Hey Em, I need you to do me a favour. Give this to Tashy, and whatever you do, don't let anyone else see it."
Emily looked up from her depiction of suffrage in the eighteen thirties, to see her adoptive mother looking even more harried than usual.

"Sure," said Emily. "But why..."

She was cut off by Hati leaving the room, and seemingly vanishing into thin air. Putting down her paintbrush, Emily resigned herself to an evening that would not be spent exploring the finer points of impressionism.

OOO

The non-geographically precise sea upon which Ardelisa's ship floated was almost impossible to navigate in the pitch-darkness of the Count de Vinevil fandom. From an age where overly descriptive scenery was an unpopular choice, the novella's world offered little in the way of moon or stars or anything else which would have been useful as a navigating tool. Ironically, it was only the treasury keeper's vehement insistence that Hati enter the fandom with a small one-man sailboat, rather than the million dollar speedboat of her original choice, that offered her a clue as to where the ship she pursued was heading. The only wind that existed within the fandom had one function – to deliver the ships of the storyline from one place to another.

The sails of the 'Willowe' were at full tilt. Hati supposed this was so the ficticious ships could make the 100 mile journey across treacherous seas in under six pages. The small boat rocked fiercely and the society founder was thankful that the author had never felt the need to write any sharks or man-eating piranhas into her works.

She had been travelling for almost an hour before the small merchant ship that was supposed to have delivered Ardelisa to the clutches of the evil pirates appeared. It seemed deserted, but seeing as the author had only written in two sailors, that wasn't unusual.

"Hello?" Hati called, not really expecting a response. From where she'd jumped into the story it seemed that Ardelisa's second abduction had already taken place. She ticked off the story events on her fingers.

Ardelisa living her slightly tragic lovelorn life in France.

Ardelisa kidnapped by mercenaries for her immense beauty.

Mercenaries attacked by pirates

Ardelisa dressed as boy so pirates won't take her.

Pirates turn out to be gay and take her back to...

"Turkey!" Hati snapped her fingers. "Gay Turkish Pirate seraglio in Turkey."

To be on the safe side, she boarded the deserted ship, just to be sure that there were no survivors hanging about. There weren't, the cabins were empty, with the signs of a struggle all around her. Since no one ever stopped to eat in Penelope Aubin books, there was a sad lack of food, and sadly, no fresh water to pilfer.

There was however, a richly drawn map upon the cabin wall. Because only three places were only ever actually mentioned in the novel, they were the only things on it. Scratching her head, Harriet wondered since when had there been nothing but sea between France and Turkey. Or since when there had been a small desert island between the two. However, this was the book world, and normal rules did not apply.

Hati folded the map hurriedly and shoved it into her pocket. She had anchored her sail boat, but did not trust the strong currents to have left it in tact.

OOO

Meanwhile, back in the Library.

Emily had plead her way into the medical wing, and was sat on the end of Tash's bed, reading the letter Hati had left. It seemed that the Society founder had finally found the missing piece of the puzzle.

"Ardelisa (or Lisa as she's been calling herself) belongs to, what was possibly the first Mary-Sue story ever written – a little known novella from the eighteenth century. Unfortunately her age probably made her extremely powerful, as well as extremely dangerous."

Hati had left a P.S saying that she had gone exploring in Ardelisa's home fandom – the Adventures of the Count de Vinevil and his Family, and was going to make absolutely sure. The final P.P.S was written in all capitals, and fiercely proclaimed...

"EMILY, IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING AFTER ME, I WILL STOP YOUR POCKET MONEY FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS!"

"So?" said Emily. "What are we going to do?"

"Well obviously," Tash said. "You're going in after her."

OOO

The journey to Turkey was unexpectedly quick, possibly because no journey ever took more than six pages in the Count de Vinevil fandom. Upon reaching the shore, Hati secured her boat in the pitch darkness, and lit a match.

Turkey looked alarmingly like France, which in turn looked alarmingly like Jersey. From her brief researching session earlier in the evening, Hati knew that Penelope Aubin had lived in Jersey most of her life, and had almost certainly never been to Turkey. That much was evident from the fact that Turkey consisted solely of a seraglio, a dockyard, and a route by which Ardelisa would later make her escape. Clearly the author's descriptive skills hadn't been well used when composing these scenes.

Hati froze as she heard footsteps behind her. There shouldn't have been anyone in this scene but her.

"Hati?" a familiar voice came from the darkness.

"Emily!" cried Hati. "Boy am I glad to see you! – umm. I mean...you're grounded young lady!"

"I know," grinned Emily. "But Tash told me to come."

"And if Tash laid down in the middle of the M3, would you do that as well?"

"What's the M3?" asked Emily curiously.

"Never you mind what the M3 is... now, as long as you're here, you may as well make yourself useful."

"What do you want me to do?" Emily inquired.

"Well first of all," Harriet said. "I thought we'd find Violetta, and-"

"Find who?" interjected Emily.

Hati paused.

"Sit down, I'll tell you from the beginning."

Five minutes later they had a small campfire going and were roasting marshmallows companionably.

"Ardelisa comes from this book," Hati began. "Its called "The Count de Vinevil and his Family, and it was written in the eighteenth century by a woman named Penelope Aubin."

"So this Ardelisa," Emily broke in. "Is the same Lisa we've been chasing through multiple fandoms?"

"That's the one. She's a very innocent, quietly tragic, and lovelorn young girl, who lives with her widower father. One day she's kidnapped by mercenaries."

"Why?"

"I don't know, she just is. The author never really went into why. Might have had something to do with the fact that the lead mercenary found her unbelievably beautiful and wanted to take her to bed, but that's beside the point..."

"So then what happens?"

"The mercenaries are attacked by pirates," Harriet continued. "And the mercenaries dress Ardelisa as a boy to protect her virtue from them."

"Does that work?" asked Emily.

"No," said Hati. "They turn out to be gay Turkish pirates. So they kidnapped her regardless."

"Oh..." said Emily. That certainly explained Harriet's earlier rantings. "So are we looking for these pirates?"

"They're in there," Hati pointed to the seraglio on top of the hill. "Ardelisa should be there too."

"...the man that she's been looking for in all these fandoms..." Emily remembered suddenly. "Is that her father?"

Harriet thought hard for a moment. "Can't be. Her father is killed when the mercenaries attacked...more likely she's been looking for her husband, the Count de Longeville. She must believe that since she had enough power to break out of her book, that he must have too." She snorted. "No wonder she's been so desperate. She spends most of the book trying to get back to him – having to cross of fandoms to find the man she loves won't have deterred her."

"So..." said Emily slowly. "As Mary-Sue hunters, maybe she thinks we've done away with him."

"Hopefully she's not right," Harriet muttered. "Can you imagine what trouble we'd be in if we tried to rehabilitate a genuine book character?"

Emily nodded grimly. "But if we haven't, and we help her find him, maybe she'll go back to her fandom and leave us alone."

Harriet nodded. "But if we have done away with him, the repercussions could be dire."

The pair looked up at the light coming from the seraglio.

"Well there's only one way to find out for sure," said Hati. "And first I need to find Ardelisa..."

OOO

Morning found the Library nearly deserted, save for Tash, asleep with her head on a pile of books. Having decided there was nothing she could do about her shocking news from Valerie the night before, she had thrown all her energies into researching Ardelisa, in an effort to distract herself.

So far she seemed the perfect Sue. Beautiful, tragic, a damsel in distress, but with a surprising kind of stupid bravery. Not to mention an unswerving belief in Divine Providence – which when you got down to it, was basically god given good luck, which certainly explained some of the Sues abilities and actions in previous fandoms.

Most surprising of all, was the presence of a character who, if Tash did not know better, she would have believed to be taking the mick out of Ardelisa herself. Violetta, a character who's story appeared to run parallel, was the bad girl to Ardelisa's good girl. Having been kidnapped by the seraglio master, she had decided that she quite liked living in a luxury mansion full of good looking men, and had made no effort whatsoever to escape. The fact that her happy ending was happier than Ardelisa's made Tash smell a rat. What sort of Mary-Sue story was this, if the Sue's non-sueish companion came off better?

With a sigh, Tash went back to her studies. She hoped she would find the answer before Hati and Emily returned.

OOO

Having climbed the hill, Hati and Emily found themselves hiding under the window of Orsino's boudoir.

"This," whispered Hati. "Is where my very favourite scene takes place. Orsino takes Ardelisa, who is still dressed as a boy, up to his boudoir, and makes a long impassioned speech about how he/she is going to be his new lover. Then at the height of his passions, he rips open her shirt, and realises something is slightly amiss. Then he does a frantic u-turn and realises he's got to be somewhere else, leaving Ardelisa alone, in a room full of swords and fire."

"Clever man," responded Emily, before frowning. "How did you come to read something this filthy again?"

"My university class," Harriet explained. "We were studying what women read in the eighteenth century, which turned out to be mostly porn with a healthy side of trash."

"..." Emily looked at her with a disgusted expression.

"Anyway," Hati said, moving swiftly on, "if she's arrived and hasn't escaped yet, this is where she's most likely to be."

A sudden exclamation of "sweet boy or maid, I know not what thou art..." caught their ears and they ducked further down and out of sight. Ardelisa was close by, just about to have her true sex discovered by Orsino, thankfully rescuing her divine innocence and virginity from the ravages of an evil (but handsome and rugged) pirate. Sure enough, the rip of material floating through the still night air, heralded the shock of discovery.

"I... I... I've just remembered the most urgent... dental appointment... got to go."

At the sound of the door slamming, Hati jumped to her feet.

"Quick! She's alone in there. Now's our chance!"

The pair scrambled through the window, surrounding Ardelisa on either side.

"Hold it, right there!" Emily shrieked, pointing her supersoaker in the Sue's face. Ardelisa ignored her with a cool that sultry look that only Mary-Sues could pull off quite so perfectly. Turning to Hati, she lowered her voice to a menacing whisper.

"So, you finally figured it out did you? You finally realised that the novel from which you plucked my poor innocent husband was the one where you'd find me?"

"Ardelisa," Hati groaned, clapping a hand to her forehead. "Don't you know where your husband is?"

"I have a good idea," spat Ardelisa. "In your clutches! Probably tortured! Maybe even..." she trailed off for dramatic effect. "...re-educated!"

"Actually..." Hati folded her arms. "He's in a monastery in France, wailing about how his one true love was kidnapped by mercenaries. In fact, the only reason you haven't been able to find him is because once you burst out of your fandom you never returned to tell him you were alive, you silly girl!"

"...oh," Ardelisa looked slightly embarrassed. "So...you didn't want to re-educate me?"

"Unfortunately," Hati replied. "Since you're a canonical character, we can't do a thing... not unless we wanted your publishing house coming down on us like a tonne of bricks."

"Oh..." repeated Ardelisa. "I suppose then... I've been rather silly..."

"That's to be expected," replied Hati. "You are only a Mary-Sue after all."

"Yes... terribly sorry," Ardelisa managed. "If you wouldn't mind taking me to my husband now...?"

"That's no problem," smiled Hati. "But since you did cause us an awful lot of trouble..."

"Oh, how can I ever compensate you?" declared Ardelisa. "I have nothing. I am penniless and derelict in this cold and cruel world...unless you count the millions I just inherited from my deceased father..."

A meaningful look from Hati made her pause.

"Oh, you want my millions! Oh well, go ahead. I was just planning on running off to some small corner of France with my husband and living happily ever after anyway."

"Deal."

 OOO

No one was more surprised than Tash, when Hati and Emily reappeared through a plothole, baring four giant briefcases full of money.

"Where on earth..." she asked. "Did you get that?"

"Easy peasy," replied Hati. "We put the storyline back together. Ardelisa's back to her harmless and vacuous little ways, and she won't be bothering us any more."

"Oh..." said Tash. "Good... and the money?"

"Well. Emily's been such a good girl recently, I thought I'd give her a five hundred year advance on her pocket money," said Hati.

Insert Ancient Cro-Magnon Civilisation Here

"Zelandoni! Ayla!"

The two healers of the Ninth Cave lifted their heads to see the tall blonde form of Jondalar enter the dwelling. The drape allowed them both a glimpse of the crowd gathering outside the entrance to the cave, and both of them were immediately intrigued. Something was definitely going on.

Ayla placed the plants she had been preparing to one side, and picked up Jonayla from where she was crawling across the floor. Zelandoni got up slowly from her stool, observing the young man in the doorway.

"Jondalar. What has happened?"

Not wasting a breath, Jondalar explained. "Willamar and Tivonan found a woman unconscious, not too far from Down River. They're bringing her in now."

The donier moved quickly, in spite of her size, pushing aside the red ochre she had been grinding, and clearing a space for the incoming patient. Ayla seized her medicine bag in readiness, and handed a squirming Jonayla to her mate. Jondalar understood he was to watch her while Ayla helped Zelandoni with the stranger.

Willamar appeared in the doorway, smiling warmly at Jondalar and Ayla, before pushing the drape open all the way, to allow Tivonan to enter. In his arms, he cradled a pale, incredibly delicate looking young woman. Her hair was a fair blonde which seemed to shine even in the dim light of the dwelling, and her face had a distinctly foreign look about it. She wore strange clothing, the likes of which none of them had ever seen before, but that did not disguise the body beneath – she was very thin, and it was easy to see from her frame that she lacked physical strength.

Ayla wondered who her people were, and how she had come to be alone. Surely someone this frail looking could not have been living by herself – there was no way she would have survived. Was she ill? If she was, it would be important to find out, if they were to treat her effectively. Her thoughts settled there, and she pushed everything else out of her mind, and began assisting Zelandoni in assessing if she had any injuries.

Jondalar was also staring, but for another reason. The mysterious woman was breathtakingly beautiful. Despite her strange clothing and apparent vulnerability as she was settled down, no one could deny that she was completely, and unbelievably...

The daughter of his hearth squirmed in his arms, still uncomfortable at being picked off the floor and held, when all she wanted to do was play and explore. Jondalar's attention returned to her, and he felt an unexpected flush of guilt for standing and staring like a fool. Tivonan was explaining to Zelandoni just what had happened, and Jondalar felt Willamar's hand on his arm. His mother's mate gave him a reassuring smile, and guided a confused, and anxious Jondalar out of the dwelling.

OOO

"Gang way! Coming through!"

The tall blonde Society leader barrelled into the main reading room, not bothering to shut the door behind her. Too impatient to go around the sofa, like a normal person, she proceeded to clamber over the back of the furniture, between Jess and Harriet. It was a surprise to no one that she appeared to have run all the way from Real Life to get here on time.

"You're just in time," Ossa assured her, passing the bucket of popcorn over to Rhia, and turning the volume up on BBC HD, in time to hear the pleasant female voice happily announce that Doctor Who was about to start and that everyone should hide behind the sofa for it.

"What did I miss?" Emily scurried through the door, kicked it shut behind her, and plopped down on the floor next to Dave.

"Not a thing," Dave assured her. "How's your arm?"

Emily shot Harriet a filthy look over her shoulder. "Painful."

The leader shrugged. "You'll thank me when we have a mumps epidemic."

After the scare Lily had given the entire Society, Harriet had immediately begun panicking about Emily's state of health. It had needed Valerie to calmly point out that Emily was not a full Mary-Sue yet, and after three colds, two flus, and a bad case of food poisoning, had shown that unlike Lily, she had a normal immune system. Unfortunately for Emily, Harriet correctly assumed that she had never had any vaccinations either, and so Emily had been strapped to the bed, while Valerie and Phoenixia had brought her up to date with tetanus, diphtheria, MMR, polio and meningitis.

The main problem with this had been that Emily was terrified of needles.

"Poor girl..." Rhia patted her on the head, and Emily munched on popcorn.

"Ugh... sugar cube didn't do anything. I can still taste the polio drops..."

"Shh!" Aimee hissed. "You're drowning the Doctor out!"

They had about three minutes of peace, but as the show's theme began to play, it was interrupted by a beep from Tash's communicator.

"I thought we said no mobile phones, communicators, laptops or pagers in the reading room during this most sacred time?" Jess placed her hands on her hips and frowned. Leonard, seeing Tash pull out her communicator, became very excited, believing that they were ordering pizza, and bounced around on Jess's lap, looking disturbingly like a deformed monkey. He received a pillow to the face for his efforts.

The leader paid little attention to the annoyed looks of her fellow fangirls. Rather, her entire face morphed into an annoyed groan, and she got to her feet.

"Come on Harriet. Its Lisa again."

"Whaaa...?" Harriet looked distraught, and began waving her arms at the giant TV. "But, but, but..."

"I know, I don't want to go either," Tash informed her. "But its the Earth's Children fandom, and I want another leader with me."

She dragged her friend by the back of her dress to the door. Harriet had just enough time to grab her favourite blue handbag as she was pulled from the television.

"What's Earth's Children?" Alice enquired curiously.

"Its one of Tash's favourite book series," Emily explained, scooping up Tash's forgotten handbag and gadgets. "Its also highly dangerous, purely because most of the canon characters are Mary-Sues themselves. And there are so many random background characters that its easy for runaway Mary-Sues to blend in."

"It sounds like Twilight..." Ben muttered, ignoring the annoyed look from Louise, who was a closeted Twilight fan.

"It is like Twilight," Emily confirmed, before reluctantly tearing herself away from the television, and legging it after the leaders. "Just with no sparkly vampires, and an actual plot."

OOO

The fire had almost burned down, but no one in the donier's dwelling had made any attempt to reach for the firestone and relight it. All eyes were focused on the beautiful stranger, who wore a confused, and frightened expression, which gave her elegant face a humbled look.

"You have... no memory?" Joharran was struggling to wrap his head around this aspect of the mysterious stranger's story. "How is that possible?"

"It isn't unheard of," Zelandoni interjected. "Sometimes memories, particularly if they are painful, are blocked off by the spirit. Or an accident can cause enough trauma to the body that can cause it to forget entirely..."

Ayla had heard of similar stories in her life, but did not trust the stranger. Her innate knowledge of unconscious body language, developed by years of living with the Clan and communicating through a language spoken in silence, told her one thing for absolute certain – the woman was lying. She was obviously not proficient at telling untruths, as she made very little effort to hide her nervousness. Ayla had learned quickly when she had begun living with her own kind, that when people told more lies, they got better at concealing their body language from other people – though never well enough to escape her notice.

This woman did not tell lies very often, as far as Ayla could deduce, and she was poor at concealing herself. She was sure Zelandoni must have noticed too and wished the Ninth Cave's spiritual leader could speak Clan – it would be so much easier to communicate what she had noticed if she could say it without speaking.

"Well..."Joharran was watching the young woman closely, trying to get a good read of her and any kind of danger she may pose. Blonde hair scattered over her shoulder, falling artfully in front of her face, and her deep, blue eyes fell pleadingly on the Ninth Cave's leader, silently begging him to allow her to stay. For where else could she go? She remembered nothing of her past, and knew not the reason her memory was apparently blank...

"Please let me stay?" she whispered, her voice edged with fear for her own survival. "I don't remember anything. Not who I am, or how to look after myself. I won't survive on my own..."

"You can stay until we find out more," Joharran finally said, and the young woman seemed to relax. "You certainly can't go anywhere until your memory returns."

The young woman blushed hard, and Ayla silently agreed with the sibling of her mate. Without any basic knowledge of how to survive on her own, the woman would not survive. She was so weak and frail looking, with no muscle on her at all. She was not strong enough to hunt, or forage on her own. Indeed she looked so delicate, that the mere exposure outdoors for too long would kill her. The Medicine Woman was overcome with the sudden strong urge to protect her, and she promised herself that while she was under her care, this young woman with the strange name would not perish.

"Lisa?" Ayla tried out the unfamiliar name, which came off her tongue with her Clan accent. "You must be hungry. If you are able to stand, would you like to join Jondalar and I for the midday meal?"

And just like that, Lisa fell into the structure of the Ninth Cave, and across the globe, hundreds of fanfiction readers turned away from the fandom in disgust.

OOO

"There she is!" Valerie pointed at the monitor screen. "Lisa's got most of the Ninth Cave eating out of the palm of her hand."

According to the readout, it had been three weeks in the fandom since Lisa had shown up, and already everyone loved her. They had all been seized by the same urge to protect the vulnerable looking woman, and she had a harem of single men lusting after her, and praying for a chance to lure her into their furs.

"How has her scarring gone?" Emily demanded, flabbergasted by the image of the perfect young woman on screen. "I hit her with half a bottle of fangirl strength disinfectant! And most of it was in her face!"

"She's a Mary-Sue," Harriet shrugged. "She got better."

She stretched, and cast a hasty look at her watch. "So Tash, what's this fandom about anyway?"

The Librarian shrugged. "Its a five book series, with the sixth one due out in a few years – the author likes detailed description, so each book is the size of the average brick and takes about seven years for the author to finish writing. Its an alternate historical fiction, set around Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal man."

"The Mary-Sue readings for this fandom are worse than Twilight," Valerie stated, watching a particular monitor screen flash pink and green.

"The fandom is worse than Twilight," Tash admitted. "The main characters, particularly Ayla, are all canon Mary-Sues. And there's so many background characters, that its easy for Mary-Sues to hide here. It's also where the Pro-Cliche and Mary-Sue Protection Society have taken to dumping the Mary-Sues under their protection. We'd never had enough time to root them all out."

As they watched the screen, Jondalar appeared from the storage room at the back of the cave, carrying a basket of vegetables, presumably for Ayla to cook that night. As he moved, the basket slipped from his grasp, and the food scattered across the floor. Seemingly from nowhere, Lisa appeared and began helping him gather them back into the basket. As they worked, they exchanged shy smiles, and Tash went nuclear.

"Oooh that does it! She's ruining one of my favourite fandoms! Jondalar isn't supposed to be attracted to any woman except Ayla and Zelandoni!"

She seized her gadgets from Emily, and began generating the plothole, muttering angrily under her breath about the wrongness of it all.

"She just helped him pick up a bunch of vegetables," Harriet sighed. "How can you find romantic connotations in that?"

"I'm a fangirl! I can find romantic connotations in anything!"

OOO

Squeezing her thighs gently against the body of the mare beneath her, Ayla slowed Whinney into a trot, her grey/blue eyes scanning the area around her. Spring mean the herds were moving out again, and the Ninth Cave would start resupplying after the long winter, and in preparation for the Zelandonii Summer Meeting. In addition to this good news, the cave was in good spirits after Zelandoni and Joharran had announced that they would be holding a Festival to Honour the Mother. In the preparations that had followed, for the evening which was now upon them, Ayla had had very little time to herself, and so had decided a good long ride with Whinney was just what they both needed. She had left Jonayla with Marthona for the afternoon, and set off on her own.

Her thoughts strayed, as they usually did as of late, to the stranger – Lisa. It was hard to think of her as the stranger any longer. The woman had blended in almost as if she had always been a part of the Ninth Cave. Though Joharran had not specifically said anything, Ayla got the impression that the festival tonight was partially to honour her arrival. Quite ironic when one considered that Lisa had spent the announcement looking confused, and as soon as it was over, she had quietly asked Ayla what a Mothers Festival entailed. Ayla was not surprised – after all, Lisa claimed to have lost her memories – but her reaction had not been what the Medicine Woman had expected.

After explaining that the Festival was a celebration in which there would be feasting and dancing, and (as was the whole point) sharing of Pleasures to honour the Mother, Ayla had (non too delicately) had to explain to a confused Lisa what she meant when she said "the Mother's Gift of Pleasure". As the explanation had continued, Lisa's face had turned steadily more and more white, until Ayla was concerned that the young woman would faint. The stranger had quickly excused herself, got up and left the cave, presumably to clear her head.

Initially it had made very little sense to Ayla, why the young woman should react so badly to the idea of sharing Pleasures with someone. But then she had thought about it, and remembered her own past experiences. There could be many reasons why Lisa did not like the idea. She was definitely old enough to have had her First Rites (that is – she reminded herself – providing the people she came from had them), however with no memory of it, it was no surprise that she should feel apprehensive about the prospect. Most girls were nervous before their first time, and since Lisa didn't remember anything, this would be like her first time all over again.

And even if that were not the case, she could be anxious for other reasons. Even if she did not remember, she might subconsciously retain the feelings and memories of any previous sexual experiences she may have had, and they might not necessarily have been good ones. She could have suffered a similar experience to Madenia of the Losadunai, or maybe even worse. Ayla remembered all too well her own experiences with Broud, and was quite sure that had she not met Jondalar and learned differently, had she been in Lisa's position, she too would have felt quite anxious...maybe even upset? No, she wouldn't have been upset, Ayla reasoned. Before she met Jondalar, she was still Clan, and would have accepted it, just as any Clan woman would have. She may not have liked it, but she wouldn't have resisted.

Lisa had returned later in the day, and Ayla had not mentioned the subject again, but she had been careful to observe the young woman's behaviour as she continued to live at their hearth. She was definitely more tense, and this was not helped by the young men who stared, and sometimes even followed her whenever she left the cave to sit with the other Cave members while they worked on their craft. Oh Lisa had noticed the young men, who were completely enamoured with her, but since the conversation with Ayla, she seemed to have become more aware of them, and something had changed in the way she viewed their presence. Gone was the almost unnoticeable look of pleasure she had when she realised she was being watched or admired. Now it was replaced by something that was almost fearful, as though she had realised for the first time just what they wanted from her.

Ayla shook her head, and Whinney, sensing her confusion and restlessness, whickered softly in anxiety. Ayla bent down slightly to soothe the horse, slowing her to a stop, and sliding off the mare's back.

There were a lot of unanswered questions about Lisa that had been puzzling Ayla, but which she knew the young woman would be unable to answer due to her amnesia. Zelandoni had the same problem, and in her capacity of spiritual leader, the wellbeing of everyone in the cave was her responsibility. Thus Zelandoni had spent much time in meditation, trying to recall anything that could help the mysterious young woman, and hoping that in her focus, the Great Earth Mother would provide her with some answers. Following her lead, Ayla had been doing the same, determined to assist her mentor (as was her duty as acolyte), but more importantly, to help the young woman whom she had sworn to protect from the moment she had entered the Ninth Cave. But so far, nothing had turned up.

Ayla had only been on the ground for a moment, when Whinney became spooked, and began rearing her head with exaggerated cries of fright. Ayla patted and stroked the horse, and only her love and trust for the woman kept the horse from bolting. Ayla herself felt a shiver of fear, and what felt like the touch of the spirit world, as what seemed to be a gaping hole split into existence in front of her. She swallowed the fear and nausea that welled up in her throat, and held her ground. This was what she was trained for, and she would not run away from any spirit...if indeed that was what was coming for her.

What tumbled out of the hole was certainly not what Ayla had expected however.

The first woman (or were they spirits, Ayla wondered) was tall, though not as tall as Ayla herself, with chin length brown hair, and the most bizarre clothing the young Medicine Woman had ever seen. The material was certainly not of this world, and seemed to have been tailored to flatter the young woman's curves (of which she had plenty). The second woman was dressed similarly, though she had no curves to flatter. She was blonde, and the first to realise that Ayla was standing there, which prompted her to elbow her companion hastily in the side. As the two scrambled to their feet, the hole to nothingness closed up behind them.

Ayla's unconscious study of them puzzled her immensely. They were ordinary looking women, except for their clothes. They walked (or at this stage, stood) the same way, gave off the same body language (which to Ayla's trained eyes indicated their unease and alertness to danger) and perhaps most importantly, she could sense very little in the way of presence and power from them. Over the course of her life, she had met people, like Creb, Mamut, and Zelandoni, who had a strong presence, that made people sit up and take notice, without them even doing anything. They were strong people, and it showed in every move they made. She sensed nothing from these two. They seemed ordinary. None the less, she was on guard.

"Who are you?"

She had been about to ask, "what are you?", but if they were spirits, she did not want to offend them. Rather than answer, the two women just exchanged confused looks, and Ayla could tell from their expressions that they had not understood her. She hastily repeated her question in Losudunai, and when that failed, she tentatively tried Sharamudoi.

Just as she was about to doubtfully try Mamutoi, the blonde girl planted her head into her hand, and gabbled something to the brunette, who's eyes widened in understanding. Ayla was glad one of them understood something, because she was completely lost, and beyond startled. Though she had only heard a brief line, the language they had used was nothing like any of the languages she had learned over the course of her long Journey. But there was little time to try and make sense of it, as the two women pulled tiny blue round substances from their pockets, and swallowed them whole (their faces twisting in obvious discomfort as they did).

Ayla didn't know how – possibly it was the extensive years of medical and magical training, as well as her own unique insight – but she knew that they had taken some form of medication.

"That's better!" the blonde woman exclaimed in fluent Zelandoni. "Sorry Harriet! I forgot since languages are a plot point in this fandom we wouldn't be able to understand!"

Her companion (Harriet apparently, though the name was distinctly foreign to Ayla), grumbled something under her breath about her forgetful friend, but the blonde was no longer listening. She was smiling widely at their present company, and trying to adopt a friendly expression.

"Hello Ayla. Sorry if we startled you."

"Who are you?" despite how afraid she was now, Ayla's voice came out strong. "How do you know my name?"

"Oh we hear things," Harriet's tone was bright, but impatient. "We hear you have a newcomer at the Ninth Cave?"

Ayla's hopes soaring, were coincided with a dramatic increase in suspicion. If they were spirits, they should have already known this.

"We think she may be one of our...party," the brunette continued. "We're quite anxious to see that she is safe, and to get her back home where she belongs."

Any positive feeling or hope evaporated in that instant for Ayla. This woman was lying. It was evident in every tiny hint of her body language. Invisible to most people, but plain as day to Ayla thanks to her years of speaking in sign language. If they were spirits, they were malicious ones, seeking to bring harm to the young woman who had made her home in the Ninth Cave.

Subtly, so as not to draw attention to it, Ayla began to slip closer to Whinney, while at the same time, reaching for the folded leather in her belt that was her sling.

"Can you help us?" the blonde beseeched. "Please? We are so worried about her."

"I'm sorry," the canon character shook her head. "I don't help spirits who lie."

And with a swift leap, she jumped onto Whinney's back, and fled for the Cave at a fast gallop, that did not entirely match the thundering of her own heart.

OOO

Harriet was not happy. And when Harriet was not happy, threats were made, cricketer's were insulted, and budgets were blown in superfluous ways. Right now, so unhappy was Harriet that she was making various plans to turn rooms of the Library into an indoor swimming pool. Screw the books. Harriet wanted somewhere to dunk people who annoyed her. Like Matt Prior, or the people who said that walking was a fun means of exercise. She certainly didn't feel fun filled now, being forced to trek all the way to the Ninth Cave, when they had only the rough sketch of the area that was drawn in the front of her friend's copy of Shelters of Stone.

Tash however, was mentally kicking herself. She considered herself a fan of the series, waiting on the edge of her seat for the next book to come out. So how could she have forgotten Ayla's ability to detect a lie? It was one of her most commonly mentioned traits. No wonder she hadn't fell for their story. It had larger holes in it than some anime characters in an M rated fanfic. The leader felt like punching herself. She really was stupid.

Fortunately for both girls, the Ninth Cave was the easiest one to spot – by the time they arrived, it was starting to get dark, and the cave was lit by the multitude of fires that had sprung up. They could hear on their approach, the sounds of drinking, dancing and partying. Frowning, Tash skimmed her book.

"There's no feasts due soon...they should be leaving for the Summer Festival too..." she bit her lip, before groaning. "Must be a Festival to Honour the Mother..."

"Which is?" Harriet prompted.

"Basically a party where everyone gets drunk and has a lot of sex, with whoever they feel like," Tash replied, thinking hard. "And if Lisa has shown up here maybe they're taking the opportunity to throw a festival for her." She rolled her eyes. "And being a Mary-Sue, we'll probably find her in a main character's furs."

Her imagination working much harder than she wanted it to, Harriet pulled a face. "Lovely...guess we'd better get this over with."

"Better find some clothes first," Tash chewed her lip, glancing between herself and her friend. "We didn't exactly think before jumping into this fandom..."

OOO

Ayla decided to forgo Laramar's barma tonight, and even Marthona's wine when it was offered around. After her encounter earlier, she wanted to keep her wits about her. She had no doubt that those lying spirits were still around, and she wanted to be sure she was alert if something happened. She had told Zelandoni the whole story of course, and the donier had suggested that they both keep an eye on Lisa tonight, and make sure she was not alone at any time. Ayla had agreed, and was making sure to keep the young woman in her line of sight at all times. She hoped Lisa would find a young man to share Pleasures with later – she and Jondalar had their own honouring to do, and if Lisa was in someone else's furs, they were guaranteed some privacy.

She seemed to have loosened up a little bit after a few cups of wine and barma, and was dancing spiritedly with Brukeval, who was looking utterly thrilled to have a beautiful woman fawning over him. Lisa did not seem to care about his appearance or heritage, and since he was so shy around beautiful women, she did not seem to feel as nervous or threatened by him as she had been with other men ever since Ayla had explained the nature of the festival to her. It was good for the pair of them, Ayla thought, glad to have Brukeval's attention diverted from her for once. The man with Clan in his blood made her nervous ever since their last proper conversation (which had dissolved into a screaming match), and she had been steering clear of him ever since.

Ayla felt Jondalar sit beside her, before she turned to look at him. Her mate's eyes had darkened to a violet shade in the firelight, and she felt the same rush of desire that she always had for him. Jondalar's attention was fixed on Lisa however, watching her carefully and cautiously. Ayla's passion seemed to dim slightly. It looked like Jondalar wasn't ready to leave and begin their own honouring yet.

"Do you think she's alright with him?" her mate asked. Ayla turned her head back to the dancers and pondered her answer for a moment.

"I don't know," she answered truthfully. "She's so hesitant about this festival, I don't think she'll do anything... but then again, she might feel safe with Brukeval..."

It was clear from the expression on Jondalar's face that he was not convinced. Ayla scanned the crowd again, and to her surprise, Lisa was gone. Brukeval had gone to get more barma, yet the young woman had completely vanished. Hastily examining the faces of every person in the vicinity, Ayla dread rise up like a cold chill. Something was happening. She just knew it.

Swiftly, she got to her feet, vowing to find the strange woman.

OOO

"Stupid festival..." Tash muttered in irritation. She and Harriet had bypassed the dancing, drinking crowd outside completely, opting instead to check on the dwellings in the cave for any signs of Lisa. So far she had not seen perfectly rounded hide or shimmering hair of the young woman, however she had seen plenty of stuff she really wished she hadn't. Some people were already intoxicated enough to begin their own private honouring of the Great Earth Mother.

She pushed open another dwelling drape, and was assaulted by the scent of herbs and medicine. This must be Zelandoni's dwelling, she realised, and sure enough, it was the largest in the cave. Positive that the donier would not be here, Tash decided to take a look around, just in case Lisa was lurking in here. Visitors to the cave generally did stay with the One Who Serves Mother, so it was a good bet that Lisa may have been sleeping here. Though given the nature of the fandom, Tash wouldn't have been surprised to find Lisa in Ayla and Jondalar's dwelling. They were the main characters after all, and Lisa like many Mary-Sues, liked attaching herself to the main characters, particularly if they had gifts she could take advantage of. And the characters in this fandom had no shortage of gifts.

That was something that had been puzzling the Librarian for a long time – in the last two fandoms Lisa had shown up in, she had been looking for someone, and attempting to utilise the canon characters abilities or technology to help her. No one could figure out who she had been looking for, and any attempts to investigate were short – Lisa covered her tracks very well. If they could just get some kind of clue as to her motives, that might be all they needed...

The drape rustled, and Tash spun around just in time to feel something small and hard smash painfully into the side of her skull, spreading blackness across her vision. Just before she blacked out entirely, she saw the tall, blonde figure of Lisa in the doorway, a rock clutched tightly in her white fist.

"Harriet will be mad..." was her last disjointed thought.

OOO

Another embarrassed scream informed the leader that she had the wrong dwelling again.

"Sorry!" Harriet was past blushing at this point. Every time she walked in to find a random canon pairing otherwise occupied on the furs, she just apologised and left quickly.

Growing impatient, the leader yanked out her communicator, and hit the second button. The device rang, and rang, and rang some more.

"For Gods sake Tash," Harriet groaned. "Of all times to ignore me..." She hung up and redialled, this time praying that someone in the Library would pick up instead...

OOO

"BUGGERATION AND BOLLOCKRY!"

Jess threw herself around the corner of the Library corridor, Leonard hanging off her neck like a baby chimp, turning to hiss occasionally at their pursuers. He gave a screech as a wall two corridors down was blown to pieces.

"HONESTLY EMILY!" Marcus had split himself in panic, and his Emotion half was showing no signs of shutting up, as the Society agents fled as far away from the explosions as they could. "WHO KEEPS A PLOT DEVICE IN THEIR FRONT POCKET?"

"I didn't mean to trip, Marcus!" Emily snapped, still clutching the broken gadget in her hands. "And I certainly didn't mean to open a Plothole to the Doctor Who fandom with it!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Ben roared, doing a quick headcount, as they ran. "Just think of a plan!"

"Life forms detected," came a synthesised electronic voice that had become one of the cornerstones of British television.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

"And think fast!" Ben added.

OOO

There was something warm and sticky on the side of her face. Tash wondered what it was, and whether it was connected to the pounding headache that she seemed to have. That would make sense. Maybe the stickiness was blood. Whatever it was, it was strange, and she raised a hand to touch it...

Or at least, she tried to. Her hands had been bound with a length of sinew. A quick scramble told her that her ankles were in a similar state.

And then she saw Lisa, seated at the table where Zelandoni prepared her medicines and herbs, and everything rushed back to her, causing her headache to triple in intensity. The Librarian groaned, wondering if she could burn her way through her bindings. She dismissed that idea quickly. With a headache like this, she would probably set the entire dwelling on fire.

Lisa spared her a glance over her shoulder, but seemed satisfied that she could not move, and continued with her work. "You should have stayed unconscious..."

"You should have stayed in Sarah-Jane Adventures," Tash managed to force the retort out from her mouth when all she wanted to do was curl up and will this stupid headache away. "How has your scarring gone, by the way?"

"I'm a Mary-Sue," Lisa flipped her flowing blonde hair, which tonight had strings of beads and shells woven into it for added beauty. "I got better!"

"Huh...you didn't get smarter," Tash muttered. "You still hunting for this mysterious friend of yours? Or has it occurred to you that maybe they don't want you to find them. Maybe they've got normal people to hang around with -"

She shut her mouth as Lisa swung around and landed a kick to the other side of Tash's head. The Librarian wondered if this was what it felt like to have a fractured skull...certainly it was painful enough. It felt like her head was breaking apart like an eggshell.

"Don't play coy with me, Librarian," the Mary-Sue's usually beautiful face was twisted into insane anger. "I have searched the multiverse for him, and only after I met the Pro-Cliche and Mary-Sue Protection Society did I learn the truth!"

"The Pro-Cliche Society?" Tash thought. "Crap... they must be using this fandom as a dumping ground for Sues. That's why Lisa is here..."

"The reason I can't find him," Lisa continued. "Is because your Society have already killed him!"

She paused, to allow the statement to sink in. Unfortunately, the Librarian was a very bad prisoner, and burst into hysterics instead.

"You think we've killed your boyfriend?" She snorted. "Oh please! You and the Pro-Cliche Idiots are all grossly misinformed. We've barely captured a handful of Gary-Stus since the war, and none of them to date have been killed."

"You're lying!" Lisa screeched. "Its because of you I cannot find him!" she drew a deep breath and seemed to compose herself somewhat. "Enough. I grow tired of your lies. Retsa shall be here soon...she can deal with you."

She turned to the table, picking up the object of her previous attention – a small wooded medicine bowl.

"What you going to do?" Tash asked, worried now. "Poison me?"

"No!" Lisa sounded horrified by the mere thought. "I am a civilised woman! A woman of virtue and purity of soul! I would never kill anyone! This is datura. It'll knock you out until the Pro-Cliche Society arrive."

Tash paled, her headache fading to nothing as adrenalin flooded her system. Datura was used frequently in this fandom as a pain reliever, anaesthetic, and more specifically in certain preparations, as a hallucinogenic. Employing the strength she gained from her fear, she pulled hard at the sinew. It held fast, and a choked gasp of fear escaped her as Lisa knelt beside her, and pulled her head back by her hair, forcing her mouth open and pouring the milky white liquid past her lips.

"It was divine providence that I met you Librarian," Lisa whispered, tossing the empty cup to one side and pushing Tash's jaw closed. With her other hand, she pinched her nose, forcing the leader to swallow or choke. "And divine providence that lead you here to me. Just as it shall be divine providence that leads me back to my beloved Count."

She released Tash, leaving the Librarian to cough and pull air gratefully into her lungs. Lisa rose gracefully to her feet, and wiped her medicine stained hands off on her tunic.

"I'll leave the drape open," she said casually, reaching for the tie as she did. "Let some fresh air in for you. I just hope for your sake, no drunk men wander in here by mistake." She gave a wicked smirk. "Wouldn't want you to get taken advantage of again, would we?"

She departed, leaving the Librarian to struggle weakly on the floor. Tash had already felt that her pockets were empty of her gadgets, and her handbag was out of reach. Her pendant was still around her neck though, so maybe...

The muscles in her arms were seized by pins and needles, and then rested against the floor, completely numb. The sensation was spreading now from her toes, slowly up her legs. The headache from earlier had faded away, replaced instead with a dull throbbing sensation, that seemed to pump blackness into her vision the longer she tried to fight it.

In her panic induced mind, mixing quickly with the drug, Tash thought she could hear someone screaming her name, before her thoughts tipped away from reality and into a living nightmare.

OOO

"If I see one more bloody couple shagging..." Harriet let the threat trail off, her right hand twitching around the handle of her cricket bat. She had searched nearly half the cave, and had lost count of the number of couples she had walked in on. She wished Tash had dragged Phoenixia along instead. This was just the kind of fandom for the sex starved ex-hologram.

She was startled out of her irritation, when a plothole materialised just across the communal area from where she was standing. Harriet gave an undignified shriek, and ducked behind a drape, just in time to see several unwelcome and familiar figures appear.

"Retsa?" Harriet was stunned. "Ssej and Relyt? What are the Pro-Cliche and Mary-Sue Protection Society doing here? Are they using this fandom as a place to hide Sues?"

Then Lisa appeared, in her usual beautiful glide, her hair flying out behind her. Harriet felt a wave of jealousy for the young woman with perfect curves and perfect blue eyes...she slapped herself. She was as bad as the canon characters!

"They must have hid Lisa here, given that she doesn't look surprised to see them," Harriet surmised to herself. "Wonder if I can get a little closer..."

"You have her, then?" Retsa's voice was no nonsense, and she was making no effort to hide her annoyance. She was not happy at all about being called out to an obscure fandom by a Mary-Sue who owed their Society a great deal.

And the woman had some supernatural kind of audacity – no doubt brought about by her age. She was standing there smiling at them all like she was the one with all the power. It irked the Pro-Cliche Society leader.

"She's drugged and tied up in the dwelling over there," Lisa swept to the leader's side. Retsa snapped her fingers, and her two companions strode into the dwelling, Relyt had a strange kind of hunger on his face, as he barged through the entrance eagerly, and Ssej followed calmly, humming what sounded like country music under her breath.

"Any sign of anyone else?" Retsa inquired.

"No one," Lisa replied, sighing heavily from her ample chest. "This is such an obscure fandom, they probably only sent the Librarian."

"Good," Retsa tapped her foot impatiently against the stone floor. "I dislike interruptions."

Lisa made a noncommittal noise, before speaking again. "I have now cleared my debt to you, for saving my life, I assume?"

"Yes, yes, all cleared," Retsa waved a hand dismissively. "Providing we retrieve the Librarian as you promised we could, and there are no interruptions."

"You doubt me?" Lisa gave a sigh so sad that it caused Retsa to get an uncomfortable feeling she had never experienced before – guilt. "Did I not prove my trustworthiness by telling you my whole story? My true name?"

The guilt evaporated, and the Pro-Cliche leader sneered at her. "Yes, your whole tragic obscure story, which has been lying forgotten for centuries, until you gained enough power to break fr –"

CRACK!

The sound of wood against bone sent Lisa leaping backwards in alarm, as Retsa flopped to the ground like a ragdoll. Harriet, a murderous expression on her face, swung her bat menacingly.

"I want my agent back, you bitch," she hissed.

As if waiting for their cue, Ssej and Relyt appeared, supporting the drugged Tash between them. Both stopped dead upon seeing their leader crumpled on the floor, and the Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society founder facing down the Mary-Sue. Relyt was fastest, flinging an energy blast so hard across the cave that it ripped a gash in the stone beneath them. Acting completely on instinct, Harriet brought her cricket bat up in front of her face, and to her amazement, the energy bounced off, and impacted heavily on the cave ceiling, sending chips of stone raining down upon them.

"How did you do that?" Relyt demanded, completely stunned. Harriet got over her surprise quickly, and swung her bat up to her side.

"Made in Britain!" she announced proudly, her stance shifting to a batting one, as another burst of magical energy was thrown toward her. Swinging her bat behind her, she slammed it against the ball, and sent it soaring back the way it had come. Her aim was spot on, impacting straight into Relyt's chest and sending him flying backward into Zelandoni's dwelling.

"SIX!" Harriet's cry was triumphant, lifting both her arms into the air in as her score had dictated. Elated, she turned on a trembling Ssej. "Fancy being substitute bowler?"

The agent shook her head, dropping the prisoner and fleeing (humming what sounded like panicky getaway music as she went).

"Get back here!" Harriet's rage was primal. "I'm not done with you yet!"

It was in the midst of this fury, that Lisa, who was stood to one side, observing the fight, had an epiphany. She understood why Harriet was the leader of the Society. The founder may keep to the shadows and rarely take missions anymore, but there was one characteristic which was all she needed to be a good leader. When someone hurt her agents, there was not a force in the multiverse that could stop Harriet from getting even.

"Thwack! Thwack!"

The double stone sling signalled the arrival of the two canon protagonists, and Ssej's form collapsing to the ground from the two sling wounds indicated that Ayla's aim had been true as it always was. The Medicine Woman and her mate had arrived just in time to see the attack take place, and Ayla's instinct had been to reach for her favourite weapon.

Seeing that her quarry was down and out, Harriet whirled, spotting Lisa trying to edge out of sight. She lifted her cricket bat again, eager to do some damage as she advanced on the trapped Mary-Sue.

"You're under arrest Lisa. I'm taking you straight to a holding cell."

"You shall never capture me!" Lisa cried, her voice full of beautiful belief. "Divine Providence shall aid me in my quest!"

Those two words stopped Harriet dead in her tracks, at the same time a plothole opened from nowhere above Lisa's head, and a flamethrower miraculously dropped into the Mary-Sue's hands.

The founder of the Society could not even begin to grasp the situation, her thoughts scattered and pulled to pieces by what she had just heard.

"It can't be..." she finally managed to string together a single thought. "There's no way..."

Yet there was no one else this woman could be.

Ayla had no clue what was happening, but she knew two things instantly. Whatever Lisa was holding was a weapon. And the brunette was in shock, and would not be able to dodge in time, unless she snapped out of it.

"Move!" she screamed.

Harriet's legs obeyed her enough to prevent her from getting a face full of flames. The ends of her shirt caught fire though, and the leader screamed, ripping off her top and stamping it against the cold stone floor. There was a clatter as Lisa turned, shouldered her newly acquired weapon, and leaped through a plothole.

Harriet gave a scream of rage, storming toward where the plothole had vanished...only to trip over Retsa's prone form, and bang her head against the floor. Cursing, she sat up, rubbing her skull.

"Screw the drowning pool," she muttered. "When I get back, I'm turning the Library into a giant cricket pitch..."

OOO

In her usual dismissive fashion, Harriet had brushed aside all the questions from the canon characters, knowing that any answers she gave would be wiped from their memories as soon as she left anyway. Once she had regained enough of her wits to think straight, she had pulled out her Plothole Generator, and opened a door to the Twilight fandom (she was feeling understandably vindictive at this stage), and thrown all three Pro-Cliche and Mary-Sue Protection Society agents straight into it, not caring where in the fandom they ended up. She had then located her friend's handbag in the donier's dwelling, hoisted Tash over her shoulder, opened up a Plothole back to the Library, and stumbled wearily back home.

The monitor room was strangely deserted when she arrived with her load.

"Doctor Who should have finished by now," the leader tutted, marching out of the monitor room in the direction of the medical wing. "They probably got sucked into watching Over the Rainbow. Well I won't let this tardiness go unpunished! I'm going to get Tashy to the hospital wing, and then I'm going to -"
BANG!

A section of wall down the corridor fell away, smothering Harriet in dust. Though her vision was obscured, she could hear perfectly well.

"RUN DAMN IT! RUN!"

"We are running!"

"How many freaking villains did I let in?"

"Exterminate! Exterminate!"

The last voice was cold and robotic, and Harriet turned red with anger and disbelief.

"You have got to be kidding me!" she growled, stomping off to find her wayward agents.

Insert Computerized Alien Species Here

Bannerman Road was getting to be familiar territory for the removal men these days. Though this time they were just moving one person in, rather than a whole family, which was more than enough to make the residents curious. And so it was, that many a member of the street watched, with their noses pressed against their windows as the removal men hefted a surprisingly small number of boxes and a sparse amount of furniture into the house, and a young girl entered with a pleased smile on her face.

She was an undeniably beautiful girl, no older than fifteen, with long silky blonde hair, a body that would make supermodels jealous and skin so fair that it looked as though the slightest sunlight would burn her. And yet her most stunning features were her eyes, which spoke of pain, sorrow, and age that one so young should never have to experience.

With her journalist's nose for a story, it was not long before Sarah Jane became interested in the girl who, apparently lived alone. She hastily invited herself over to number eleven, with a thermos of tea, and a plate of cookies, much in the same way she had done earlier that year with Rani's mother, when the Chandra's had first moved into number twelve.

Once again, Sarah Jane proved that she could sniff out strangeness accurately, for the girl had a very interesting story to tell. Her name was Lisa Vine. Her mother had died in childbirth, and her father had been murdered trying to protect her from men who had broken into their house one night. Her blue eyes had filled with tears at the memory of his death, and she had busied herself with some of Sarah Jane's offered tea, before composing herself enough to go on. She spoke about how she was looking for someone who could help look after her, and care for her. When Sarah Jane had asked if she meant relatives, Lisa had merely smiled mysteriously, and said in that perfect voice "something like that".

Barely two days later, and a lost and utterly terrified alien dropped smack into the middle of Bannerman Road, after its ship malfunctioned, and began shooting anything that moved in fear for its life. Sarah Jane and her friends had attempted to reason with it, to no avail. The poor creature was simply too terrified…at least until the mysterious girl from number eleven appeared.

At the sight of the sparkling blue eyes, and the understanding expression on that beautiful face, the alien had instantly calmed, as Lisa had told it about her own horrific and tragic past, and how she had overcome her fear in order to keep on going. The alien, placated by her kind and brave nature, had allowed Sarah Jane to use K-9 to fix the malfunction in the ships controls, and was quickly on its way.

Even though a little voice had told Sarah Jane in the back of her mind, that allowing another child into her dangerous life was a bad idea, she had ignored it and accepted Lisa into her strange little family – after all, how could she say no to such a brave and helpful young woman?

As the next week had dawned, Lisa had enrolled in Park Vale school, and instantly fitted in with almost everyone. During this time, she was able to get Rani to admit (in secret of course, when the boys were not listening) that she had a thing for Clyde, and she had promised the taller girl that she would do what she could to help them get together. She also, after much prodding, got something that sounded suspiciously like a confession of love out of Luke, when discussing Maria (though of course Luke was highly confused about his own feelings, have never felt anything like them before). Lisa had assured him that there was nothing strange or unusual about the way he felt, and that he should tell Maria about it as soon as possible.

It was about now that most fanfiction readers had either reached for the brain bleach or collapsed into a Sue-induced coma, and a certain Society were alerted as to her existence.

OOO

The papers were packed to exploding point in her bag, but still the small girl ran, skidding to a halt at the end of the corridor. Puffing from her impromptu race across the Library Arcanium, Emily pulled the briefing room door open as silently as she could and slipped her tiny figure around it...

...and was immediately met by about thirty pairs of amused looking eyes. She felt herself blush, and shuffled to her chair beside the leaders.

"You thought just because you're small we wouldn't notice you were missing?" Harriet inquired, before smirking. "Well we did, and you're late young lady. That's not very becoming..."

Emily tuned out the rest of Harriet's speech. She could not have missed much, as none of the paperwork had been issued yet, so she focused her gaze on the table and muttered an apology when the leader took a second to breathe.

"Right, before we begin this meeting," Tash called everyone to order. "I'd just like to say there may be some interruptions because unfortunately –"

She was cut off as the thundering noise of drill against concrete made itself known to the entire briefing room. Emily immediately clapped her hands over her ears, as did several others. Tash continued to speak, but her voice was drowned out.

"What did you say?" Marcus asked, as the noise subsided. He had been appointed note taker for this meeting and he was scribbling so frantically that Emily was sure his hand was trying to separate itself from his arm. "I couldn't hear you because Doug is drilling a new piping system into his lab downstairs."

Tash gave him a look. "That's what I said. I said there may be some interruptions because..."

The drilling pounded through the room again, muting the leader's voice once more.

"...still didn't hear that..." Marcus informed her.

"...let's begin," Tash looked as though she were fighting the urge to hit Marcus with the book. "We have apologies for absence. As we've just heard, Doug isn't here."

The drills began again. This time, Tash waited before continuing.

"Jared and Chloe also send apologies for not attending. Also, Emma, Beth, Kate...and I guess effectively Meg too, have handed in their resignations due to Real Life commitments. They shall all be greatly missed."

There as a murmur of agreement and Emily's face fell. She had liked the Welsh girls, as they were the ones that had rescued her and brought her to the Society. It wouldn't be the same with so many people leaving. She couldn't help but notice Tash did not look happy about this either.

Harriet, perhaps to ease everyone's sadness, helpfully began throwing papers at people.

"Okay, weekly rotas are being... thrown around," Tash continued. "Read, memorise, the usual..."

"Hey, why am I on monitor duty again?" Ben complained, yelping in surprise as Shirley chomped her way through the rota in disgust. Frowning, the three leaders grabbed a copy and scanned it quickly.

"Oh bol-!" the leader's cursing was fortunately cut off by another short burst of drilling.

"You printed out last week's copy," Michael stated, to the snickers of the agents. Tash hid her face in the rota in embarrassment.

"...I'm afraid I didn't hear what you said just now Tash," Marcus piped up. "Shall I leave a blank in the minutes?"

"No Marcus," Harriet sighed. "Do not leave a blank. I think you'll find what she said was essentially an unfavourable word, often used by British people to describe either testicles, or a dire situation."

There was a very long silence following this declaration, punctuated only by Marcus scribbling down the notes.

"Right... moving on," Tash muttered. "I'll get the rotas round at lunchtime then. Item one..."

"Oooh wait!" Harriet got to her feet again, and began throwing folders to various agents around the table. "I have field reports checked, corrected, stamped and approved from last week..."

Emily was pleased to see that along with the field reports, a file was thrown at her with a large "APPROVED" stamp across the front. She had submitted her latest completed gadget (well...it was technically half hers – one of Tash's friends in Real Life had come up with the original designs) to the leaders, and it seemed she had succeeded.

Tash was drumming her fingers against the table, as Harriet marched around the room, patting gold stickers onto the heads of the agents who had successfully completed their paperwork without spelling mistakes (Tyler immediately began to eat his).

"Finished?" Tash asked Harriet, as the leader sat down, with a smile and a nod. "Good. Then we can move on to item one..."

"I almost forgot!" Harriet gasped suddenly, leaping from her chair and marching over to Emily, who suddenly felt the room develop a nasty chill. There was something in Harriet's face that made her wish she had skipped the meeting all together, and stayed in Tash's hanger.

It was only when the leader produced a party hat, and a large flashing badge with the number eleven on it, that Emily realised what her intentions were, and her face went magenta – it couldn't be the twenty seventh of February already, could it?

"Happy birthday to you..."

At the sight of their leader waving her arms like a drunken orchestra conductor, the rest of the Society burst into a hasty chorus of song, accompanied by surprised and excited grins on their faces. Harriet's personal string quartet also appeared and began a wailing screech of violins that almost drowned out the singers. By the time the song was finished, Harriet had pressed the party hat, and badge bearing the number eleven onto a mortified looking Emily. She had honestly forgotten all about it...

"You never told us it was your birthday!" Tyler sounded put out, as did several other agents. Emily immediately felt bad, but it was outweighed by her sudden desire to vanish into thin air. She didn't want to be here anymore. She wanted her room and some privacy...but the Society would never allow her that...why had Harriet had to bring this up?

Desperate now to get the meeting over, she put on as good a smile as she could muster, and turned to Tash.

"Tash, do me a favour and move to item one, before Harriet decides I'm small enough for the birthday bumps."

Tash grinned. "Sure. Item one..."

"Wait!" Marcus held up a hand, his other still scrawling furiously. "I didn't get all that... happy birthday dear Emily... happy birthday to you... what came next?"

Tash gave him a very blank look, before shaking her head. "Just skip it..." She turned to the rest of the Society, who had settled back into their seats. "And now, at last, item one..."

"Actually, bugger item one," Jess got to her feet, fishing in her bag for her supply of fabric paint, which was usually reserved for concerts. "I'm going to go decorate the reading room so we can have a birthday party!"

"I don't want a birthday party!" Emily protested, utterly horrified at the idea. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate the thought, but a party was the last thing she wanted to face right now. Jess's determined stride did not break however, as she scooped a disgruntled Leonard back into her handbag. The rest of the agents began muttering excitedly amongst themselves.

"Well the rest of us do!" Jess charged from the room, muttering to herself, "I wonder if Doug will notice if I steal his bedsheets..."

"Yeah, I'm with Jess," Rhia declared. "I'm going to go make a birthday cake! See you all later!"

And she shot from the room, leaving a cloud of dust in her wake. Emily could only sit and watch the agents excuse themselves from the meeting.

"I'm going to get some music together!" Ben declared loudly.

"Me too!" Jared added.

"I'll help decorate the room!" Willie cried.

"No way!" Michael bellowed over the din. "I remember what happened last time you decorated! If you even think about putting up more shrunken heads I'll lock you in a room with Phoenixia! And she'll make sure you're naked!"

The only person in the room, who was not making a fuss, was Tash. The leader just sat in her seat, with her head resting on her hands, a twitch working its way into her fingertips as her meeting adjourned itself.

"Just once, I'd like to get through a meeting and get to my main point..." she muttered.

"Shall I minute that?" Marcus asked, as he prepared to pack his notes away.

Tash's only response was to reach over and smack him over the head with a rolled up rota, before answering her communicator. Emily immediately regretted mentally asking herself how the day could get any worse, as she saw the leader's face turn serious.

"Sue loose in a fandom?" Harriet asked, as her friend got up and began to pack her belongings up. Tash nodded.

"Not just a Sue… it's that Sue from the His Dark Materials fandom."

OOO

Lisa was smiling to herself, as she watched Clyde and Rani exchange looks ahead of her. Her bag strap was intolerably tight on her shoulder, and she lamented such a long time trapped in her story with no form of exercise. Though she had retained her beauty, she had had very little time to get use to the strenuousness way people would walk everywhere and carry things themselves in this time. She reminded herself that they were only two streets away from Bannerman Road, and she would survive.

As she watched the two ahead, Rani would hastily return her eyes to the pavement beneath her feet, and Clyde would clear his throat awkwardly and loudly change the subject. The new arrival to the group had to smile. It wouldn't be long before they admitted their feelings. She had to sigh though. Things moved so slowly in these times. She remembered a time in history where men had just come right out and admitted their intentions to court the opposite sex. In those days, it was the actual courting that took time, not admitting ones feelings.

Things really had moved on without her in the past few centuries. She would need to adapt quickly if she wanted to survive. And yet she had no fear. Divine providence would see her through these terrible times.

"Freeze Sue!"

She gasped, her hands flying to her mouth in horror. Surely the Society had not found her already? She had been sure that good fortune and providence would provide her with more time than this! And yet there they were. The tall blonde leader, who was scowling in a most unbecoming way, and another agent with hair that caused Lisa's jaw to drop (it was dark purple, lest her eyes were deceiving her!). Both of them looked ready for a fight, despite the fact that the plothole had dumped them unceremoniously on the ground before the group.

"A dimensional gateway!" Luke identified, his eyes fixed on the closing plothole.

"Who on Earth are they?" Clyde folded his arms, his guard up. Rani had taken a step back (and inadvertently closer to Clyde too). Tash noted this and gave a groan.

"Oh come on! You two are so out of character!"

"They're aliens from another dimension!" Lisa exclaimed, clinging to Luke's arm. "They're here to kill me!"

"Really Lisa, why on Earth would we go to the trouble of killing you?" Jess huffed, spinning her body piercing needle in one hand. Noting the Sue's wide eyes added. "We hacked into the Park Vale records to find your name."

"Shame," Tash muttered, casually pulling her necklace off and morphing it into Nephthys. "I had a lot of inventive nicknames I'd been calling you instead."

Lisa ignored the leader and continued. "Of course you'll kill me! I know how the Society operate! Alina told me all I needed to know!"

Now it was the turn of the Society agents to recoil as they remembered the infamous Luxe fiasco. "Alina?" Tash spluttered.

"That crazy bitch worked for you?" Jess was aghast.

"What's going on?" Rani, and the two boys had bunched protectively around Lisa. The Sue continued in a breathy voice, tinged with the perfect amount of fear and anxiety.

"These people killed a dear friend to me, some time ago! And they've been trying to do the same to me ever since! They have to be stopped before they kill more people!"

"We're not going to kill anyone!" Tash protested, but even as she spoke, a car came around the corner fast, splashing through a puddle and sending a wave of cold and muddy water at the two Society agents. The canon characters and Sue accomplice took the opportunity to escape.

"Bollocks!" Tash yelled, before remembering that she was in a children's fandom and was supposed to be keeping things PG.

"That woman is going to die!" Jess hissed, water dripping from her hair into smaller puddles on the ground.

OOO

"Why are they after you, Lisa?" Luke had no problems with running – he was born running after all – however his heart was thudding in fear for Lisa. The girl was beside him, running gracefully, with her long blonde hair flying through the air. Luke could see she was holding back tears of fear, and he wanted desperately to hug her.

"And why did they call you Sue?" Rani asked. Lisa bit her lip, before replying. Even when running she did not sound out of breath in the slightest.

"They are from another dimension," she explained. "They killed my friend. I myself have escaped from them before, and now they seek my death."

Luke had a nagging feeling that this was not the whole story – Lisa hadn't directly answered his question, and she hadn't touched Clyde's. But now was not the time to be demanding answers.

"We should get to Sarah Jane," Clyde said. "She'll know what to do."

And so the running continued.

Unseen by any of them, as they rounded the corner to Bannerman Road, a small head of light brown hair rose up from behind a wall. Pushing her glasses up her nose, Emily watched as the canon characters raced up the road, accompanied by a figure who could only be the Mary-Sue, Lisa. Emily frowned. She didn't look too dangerous... but then again, neither had her sister until you had pissed her off...

FLASHBACK

"Heeeere Palm Tree..." Ashley whispered. The girl had just whimpered and pressed herself back into the bookcase, wishing that she could cloak herself in the room's darkness. But she knew it was too late. She had been found.

"You're a bad girl," Aspen joined her twin and giggled. "We told you to stay hidden for a whole hour-"

"- and then you'd get your present," Ashley smirked. "But its only been-"

"-fifty eight minutes," Aspen finished. "So no birthday present for you!"

"Too bad," Ashley added. "But now we get to play a new game. Its called-"

"-murder in the dark," Aspen said. "And you're it!"

There was a snap and the lights came on again.

"Birthday games, is it?" the oldest Foxblade sister had glared harshly at the twins, and for the first time in months, the youngest girl felt safe again.

OOO

Emily blinked and shook her head hard. She had to stop thinking about that! So what if it was her birthday? She had a job to do. She had been lucky to be allowed to come on this mission at all, and Harriet had only allowed it because it was one of her favourite fandoms. She had a job to do, and she had better do it right.

The canon characters were half way up the road, still clustered protectively around the Sue. Emily pulled her new phone out and dialled.

"Tash? They're heading for Sarah Jane's house. What happened?" she paused in surprise. "A car? But nothing has come down here... yeah... okay, I'll wait here."

She hung up quickly, and returned to watching the retreating back of the Mary-Sue. She was definitely old – Emily shivered as she felt just how anciently powerful the woman felt – and beautiful (strangely, Emily couldn't help but try and compare her unfavourably to Willowe, but she knew she was probably bias in her late sister's favour), and beneath all that, Emily knew could sense that she was intelligent. She might look pure and innocent, but she was definitely not an idiot – they would have to be just as clever to catch her… or especially lucky, which was more likely in the case of the Society.

"Hey kid! Get off my front lawn!"

Too late, Emily realised the wall she had crouched behind was in fact someone's front garden, and with a squeak, she scrambled out. She would definitely need to work on subtlety if she planned on doing this again...

Jess and Tash rounded the corner, wet, bedraggled, and distinctly unhappy. Emily took two steps back, just in case they felt like hugging her.

"What do we do now?" she asked. Tash frowned.

"We need to Copyright those characters..." Jess snorted.

"They're not going to come near us. You heard what Lisa told them. We're dangerous murderers."

"Then we have to draw them out," Emily finished. "And in this fandom that shouldn't be too hard." She turned and smiled at the leader. "They already think we're aliens, and all good aliens have a spaceship..."

Tash beamed. "That would get their attention!"

"Great...but unless you've got a spaceship hanging around that you don't need..." Jess trailed off as she saw the looks on her companion's faces. "...you are kidding me, right?"

Tash pulled out a small silver key, with a large blue button on the top. "You did want to know about the secret project Emily and I had been working on for months, right?"

OOO

"Sarah Jane, I have detected an alien spacecraft at the end of Bannerman Road."

Sarah Jane was startled out of her web browsing by the voice of her sentient computer program. It was highly unusual for Mr Smith to give the alert for an incoming spacecraft when it was already in Earth's airspace – usually he could detect it approaching when it was still on the other side of the solar system.

"That was unusually quiet," she muttered. "And no one noticed it in the air before now?"

By no one, she meant him.

"The ship did not arrive by air," Mr Smith went on to explain. "It materialised through a temporaral distortion at the very end of Bannerman Road."

"What kind of temporal distortion? A wormhole?"

"I cannot confirm. The distortion has now disappeared."

An unstable hole in time and space was definitely something to worry about, but the ex Time Traveller was currently more concerned about the alien ship.

It only took a matter of seconds for her to cross the attic and peer through the window at the other end of the road, and yet to her surprise, Sarah Jane saw nothing. The road seemed perfectly normal and calm – no sign that an alien ship had just appeared through a hole in space. And yet Mr Smith never lied...well except that time involving the Slitheen, but that was different.

"Mr Smith, I can't see anything," Sarah Jane turned her head back toward the computer. Immediately, a scan of the road appeared on the screen, and to Sarah Jane's surprise, the image showed that there was definitely a spaceship at the end of the road.

"A cloaking device is currently active on the vessel," Mr Smith informed her patiently. Frowning, Sarah Jane turned back toward the window, and looked hard down the road at where she knew the ship to be.

And yes... there was a ship there, exactly matching the detail on Mr Smith's screen. It was big – very big. And were it not for the fact that number six Bannerman Road was up for sale and the large garden at the front vacated, the ship would have been intruding right into the road and disrupting any traffic that chose to drive down it. It's design was interesting – it reminded Sarah Jane of a ray in flatness and shape. The hull was sleek and the silvery metal shone in the afternoon sun. It had taken her a while to see it, but now she understood. The cloaking device Mr Smith had described was a clever one – it didn't make the ship invisible. It just made sure that no one noticed it. A sensible move considering how likely the sight of an alien craft was to make people panic.

The attic door swung open, and Sarah Jane tore her eyes away from the window to see Luke, Clyde, Rani and Lisa, out of breath, and pink cheeked. Instantly, Sarah Jane knew something had already happened to them.

"Mum, there are a bunch of aliens after Lisa!" Luke gasped.

OOO

"And now, we wait," Tash leaned back in the pilot's chair, and went back to stroking the ship's console. "Good girl..."

"Should we leave you and the Manta alone?" Jess asked. She had spread herself over the floor, and was midway through cutting holes in a bedsheet that she had pilfered earlier from Doug's empty room.

"Oooh no don't stop Tashy..." a voice dripping with desire came through the speakers. "What you're doing feels soooo good..."

"PHOENIXIA!" Tash screeched, yanking her hand away as though burned, while the computer program herself snickered at her misfortune. Jess burst out laughing, almost stabbing herself in the hand with her scissors. Emily thought she understood what was being implied, and let a tiny giggle escape her, which she hastily tried to hide behind her hand. She could feel her cheeks burning too, though Tash's seemed to be beating hers rather spectacularly at the present moment.

"One thing I would like to know," Jess raised her hand. "Why exactly is no one in the street running away screaming that there are aliens invading? I mean, we did just dump a very big spaceship in the middle of the street."

"That's my latest invention," Emily beamed, holding up a circular device, about the size of an alarm clock, with a large red button on the front. "Well... your friend Kiara came up with the plans, I just built it. It's called an SEP field."

"SEP?" Jess asked, frowning.

"Someone Else's Problem," Tash explained. Emily took a deep breath and rattled off the explanation.

"Anything which the SEP field is attached to immediately becomes unnoticeable to almost anyone in the vicinity – exceptions include those with special conditioning." She pointed out of the ships window. "Those people out there. Right now, all they're thinking is "Oh... there's a spaceship... eh, someone else will deal with it." That's how the field works. It stops people from caring about odd things like this. It wouldn't work on someone like... Phoenixia for example, who is trained to see things in a different way to human beings."

"And I'm just that awesome," their computer interjected. "And since the leaders approved Emily's new gadget for Society use just this morning, it's now available to anyone who requests it."

"Okay, which just leaves me with one question," Jess said, turning her most annoyed look on to Tash. "When in the name of Marco Hietala's trousers did you get a spaceship?!"

Tash rested her head on the console. "It's a very long story..." she gave a chuckle. "Literally. It was a very long, bad crossover fic, written five years ago, and resulted in a self insertion that was so Sueish she made Willowe look cute and harmless." She gave a smile. "Actually, it's the same fic that Sati came from."

"Until recently the Manta was in the Vault of Abandoned Ideas," Emily explained.

"And the characters and familiars were sealed into the fic," Tash finished, closing her eyes. Jess patted the leader on the shoulder.

"It was five years ago," she said, remembering her own close encounter with her past creation recently. "We all have our ghosts... so what's the plan?"

"First, can you stop mutilating those bed sheets?" Tash begged. "You're getting paint on my floor! Emily and I spent ages cleaning it!"

Remembering those long days spent putting the ship back together brought a fond smile to the eleven year olds face, but something else was nagging at her.

"For the record Tash," Emily added. "Willowe was never cute and harmless..."

The leader uncomfortably went back to fiddling with her ship, and Emily's thoughts continued privately in her head.

"She was always calculating, always thinking, always ahead of you..." she thought. "And one day, I'll be the same..."

FLASHBACK

"Are you looking after yourself?"

She wondered how Willowe knew that Ashley and Aspen hadn't been looking after her. She shrugged, pushing her long fringe out of her eyes. How strange, she thought. She had been so thrilled to see her big sister, not a few minutes ago, after the young woman had shown up, told the twins that she had come back for Palm Tree's tenth birthday, and she was taking her out for a walk. And now that they were here, she was suddenly seized by the urge to treat Willowe with a cold shoulder. She had been gone for the better part of the last year, running from fandom to fandom, supposedly trying to find a safe home for them.

The girl known as Palm Tree snorted. She wasn't stupid. She had heard what everyone was saying. That Willowe was raising an army to take on the Society and achieve something incredible. She wasn't looking for a home for them anymore. She was looking for war.

"I got you a present," the beautiful elder Foxblade, always so certain of herself, and positive in her actions, was hesitating as she held out a small blue box to the girl. Despite her resolve to show Willowe no feeling, Palm Tree was curious, and she opened the box cautiously.

A hairclip, designed in the shape of a palm leaf, rested in the box. The leaf was painted a vibrant shade of green, and at the base was a tiny diamond. Unconsciously she raked her hair out of her eyes again, and Willowe smiled.

"I know you won't grow your hair, or get your fringe cut, so I thought you could use this instead," her smile vanished quickly, as she realised that the younger girl was making no effort to try it on, or even take it from her grasp.

"Why did you come here Willowe?" she muttered. "Did taking over the world get boring?"

The words came out bitter, and Willowe recoiled.

"I... how can... what is wrong with you?"

"You leave us for over a year," there was no stopping the anger now. "We've heard nothing from you. You said you went to look for somewhere for us to live – where we could be a family. What kind of family are we now? Holly and June are looking for you, and messing around in fandoms of their own, and you're more interested in taking on Harriet and causing trouble for the Society than finding a place for us to settle down quietly!"

Where have you been these last few months when the twins have needed someone to guide them? Where were you when I needed protecting from them? I'm scared, sister, and you aren't even around to hug me and promise that this nightmare will be over soon! What's happening to you that's so powerful that even your family can't help you?

The thoughts stayed within her head.

OOO

Sharp knocks banged against the hull of the Manta, and Emily's head snapped up from where it had been clasped between her hands. She hadn't realised that she had screwed up her eyes until she opened them. Jess was still on the floor with the bedsheets, half way toward becoming birthday banners. Emily felt the strongest urge to shred them.

"They knocked," Jess was highly amused, as the external cameras displayed the visiting canon characters and Mary-Sue. "How very British."

"Emily," Tash turned to the youngest member of the group. "Y'know those modifications you made to the rear guns for this mission? Don't suppose we can use them now?"

Emily understood, and flipped a few switches. "Setting to Copyright mode..."

"Allow me," Phoenixia materialised in the gunner's chair on Tash's left, and not a second later, the rear guns aimed and fired at the canon characters, tiny darts embedding themselves into their necks. Jess watched in surprise, as Sarah Jane, Luke, Rani and Clyde blinked rapidly to clear their vision.

"Copyright darts?" she asked. Tash nodded.

"Nicked'em off Doug." Jess burst out laughing.

"Oh and you dare to judge me for stealing his bed sheets! You hypocrite!"

"Lisa's making a run for it," Emily pointed out, watching the Mary-Sue turn tail and flee. "Shall we follow?"

"Suppose we'd better had," Jess agreed. "Just lemme grab my bann..." she paused as she realised Emily was already down the stairs. Then she paled.

"Umm, Tash... when we first came here, you said something about Emily being a fangirl, didn't you?"

OOO

"Mr Smith," Lisa slipped into the attic quietly, despite the fact that the house was empty. "I need you."

The fanfare started loudly and the computer emerged from the wall with its usual hiss as all the systems fell into proper place.

"Lisa," Mr Smith sounded surprised, but not unwelcoming. "What can I do for you?"

Lisa thanked God that her powers and charm seemed to affect the computer program too. "I need you to search for someone."

"...is this something Sarah Jane has asked you to do?" Mr Smith asked. Polite though he may be, and accepting of Sarah Jane's apparent trust in the girl, he was not stupid, and wanted to be sure that he would be assisting the correct person in this. Lisa chewed on her lip, as she answered.

"Umm... yes, it is..."

That sounded to Mr Smith like a lie...but Lisa was trustworthy (though he had no idea how he knew this), so he went right ahead and asked, "Who am I searching for?"

Relieved, Lisa let out the breath she had been holding. "The name is... the Count of Longueville..."

OOO

"So... you're not aliens?" Clyde repeated, requiring clarification. Ten minutes after introductions had been made and the explanations had begun, he still didn't trust these newcomers at all. Part of his mind was sure that any second now they'd reveal zips on their foreheads and turn out to be Slitheen or something of the sort.

"Nope," Jess shook her head.

"You're dimension travellers who track down fictional characters who distort the fabric of reality?" Luke questioned.

"Yup," Tash nodded.

"...and more importantly," Rani folded her arms. "Is your friend going to let go of Luke any time soon?"

"Now that..." Jess turned her gaze to the fourteen year old male in question. "We don't know..."

Luke looked highly uncomfortable at the attention now being directed to his midriff, where Emily appeared to have surgically attached herself, with a maniacal grin that only fangirls could manage. Once everything had calmed down it had taken about three and a half minutes for the eleven year olds self control to snap, and she had pounced on the startled teen with a blush blooming magnificently across her cheeks.

It could have been worse; Tash and Jess had consoled themselves. At least she hadn't developed the habit of fangirl squealing yet.

"Emily," Tash tried to coax. "Come on... let the poor boy go..."

An interesting noise came from Emily's mouth, which sounded something like "Mnyehhh..." and she held on tighter. Jess gave a mournful sigh.

"And here I always thought she would be the one person never to develop fangirl tendencies...oh well. I suppose everyone has their weaknesses..."

"We have no time for fangirlism!" Tash spluttered. "And believe me; I never thought I'd be the one to say that! We need to find Lisa and grab her before she does any more damage here! She's already ruined things by setting you guys all up for romantic relationships when you're still supposed to be awkward teenagers!"

The aforementioned awkward teens blushed furiously at this, something which Sarah Jane at least, found very amusing.

"Think like Lisa, what would you do...?" Jess asked. Tash snorted.

"I'd be making a run for it. That seems to be all she's doing. That and searching for someone or something..."

"She said that when I first met her," Sarah Jane said suddenly. "Something about trying to find someone who could help her. But she said she was still searching for them."

"Searching..." Emily's head appeared suddenly from Luke's waistline. "She's searching! Of course! You guys," she gestured to the canon characters, "have the biggest search engine in the world sitting in your attic! That's why she befriended you!"

"Mr Smith!" Rani was aghast, while Tash and was mentally smacking herself.

"Of course! When I first confronted her, she was trying to persuade a canon character to search for her too! That's why she's visiting all these fandoms!"

"Less talking, leader," Jess pushed her friend away from her ship and toward the road. "More running! Phoenixia, can you stall Mr Smith until we get to Lisa?"

"Done!" the hologram promised through the speakers.

"Umm..." Luke was frozen mid stance. "Where did your friend go?"

Tash and Jess turned to see that Emily had vanished from Luke, and yet they hadn't seen her let go, or heard her run.

"What happened to her?" Tash shrieked. "Harriet will kill me if I lose Emily!"

"She just let me go, summoned another temporal distortion and vanished through it," Luke reported. Jess frowned.

"Temporal distortion?" she gasped suddenly. "You mean a-"

"Plothole," Tash finished, dread filling her voice. "Emily can summon plotholes."

OOO

"May I enquire as to the need for this search?" Mr Smith enquired politely. Lisa appeared not to hear him, pacing backwards and forwards across the attic nervously.

"You seem anxious Lisa," Mr Smith continued. "Is something the matter? Has something happened to Sarah Jane?"

"Sarah Jane is fine," Lisa replied quickly. "How is the search going?"

"No results yet," Mr Smith informed her. "Search approaching fifty percent completion." An alarm went off suddenly and Lisa jumped.

"What's that?"

"Incoming data," Mr Smith reported, his screen flickering suddenly. "Search pausing."

"No! Don't pause!" Lisa begged. "Keep searching!"

The computer's speakers seemed to crackle, and then a burst of static appeared.

"Oooh... downloading always gives me a headrush..."

For any fan of the Sarah Jane Adventures, hearing a distinctly female voice come through Mr Smith's speakers was beyond bizarre. It was certainly not helped as the voice dropped to a sultry tone.

"Well hello big boy..."

Mr Smith's tone was surprised. "There is a foreign body within my systems."

Lisa scowled. This had to be the Society's doing. "Delete it!" she cried. "Hurry and finish the search!"

"I don't think so," Phoenixia snorted. "Mr Smith, this search compromises your purpose to safeguard the Earth. This person is a dangerous entity known as a Mary-Sue, and your search is aiding her in her goal."

"A Mary-Sue?" Mr Smith paused for a second, obviously searching for the term. "I see. I shall cancel the search."

"No!" Lisa's cry went unheard, as the search window closed and Phoenixia laughed.

A plothole appeared in the middle of the attic, and Emily tumbled out. She neither knew nor cared how she had managed to get a plothole just when she needed one, but she was thankful that she had. She appeared right in the middle of Sarah Jane's attic, just as Mr Smith ended the search, and Lisa let out a scream of anguish.

"God, who died?" Emily rubbed her ears, causing the Sue to jump and spin around.

"You?" she gasped. "You're not an agent! You must be a Sue to summon a plothole like that!"

Emily flinched hard, and pulled her supersoaker over her shoulder from where it had been strapped to her back. "I am not a Sue!" she snarled. Lisa took a step back in horror.

"Where did you get that weapon?" she demanded. Emily glanced briefly at the gadget attached to the top.

"SEP field. It was here all the time. No one ever noticed it." She pumped it a few times. "This thing is loaded with Fangirl strength disinfectant. It'll leave a nasty burn."

Lisa's eyes flicked over the girl in front of her. "You are a Mary-Sue too. You should be helping me. I must find him and escape the Society! They would destroy me, and destroy you too if given half the chance!"

Emily took aim. "I would rather stick with the Society and be destroyed – by your kind – than be a Sue and live in a perfect world!"

"So you choose to side with them..." Lisa shook her head. "Then I am sorry. But I shall not be deterred from my quest. Divine providence shall see me through!"

Fed up of the speech, Emily fired. Lisa sidestepped, plothole materialising behind her as she did. The spray caught the side of her body, splashing her face and hair, and filling the attic with the smell of burning cloth and flesh. The Sue screamed and tumbled backwards through the plothole.

And just like that, everything seemed to stop. Emily knew that without the Mary-Sue there twisting canon, the effects she had on the fandom would slowly start to vanish. By the time the Society got out of there, things should be back to normal.

Shouldering her supersoaker, she left the attic, ignoring Mr Smith's flustered attempts to eject Phoenixia from his systems, and Phoenixia demanding an explanation from Emily. She didn't hear him.

FLASHBACK

"Palm Tree, please, listen!"

People on the street were starting to stare, especially after the younger girl had loudly refused to take the gift.

"Why should I? You're never around to listen to us!" she drew another breath, not caring that it was shaky with sobs. "You care more about taking over the universe than being a good sister!"

Willowe recoiled as though struck. "That is not true! It's because of you that I am doing this! You're too young to understand –"

"Shut up!" she shouted back. "I'm ten years old! I'm old enough to know when someone is being selfish! Just leave me alone! I hate you Willowe! I really hate you!"

She ran as fast as her short legs would take her, struggling not to cry.

I didn't mean it. I really didn't. I'm sorry big sister. Please don't go!

OOO

She didn't know where her plothole had opened, or indeed if she was safe, in danger, alive or dead. She only knew it was dark, and the ground beneath her body was stone. She felt pain...the burns that the disinfectant had caused were melting her skin, and leaving dark red patches to mar her perfect face. She was going to die, and she knew it...but none of her pain compared to the pain of knowing that she had failed. She had not been able to find him... the computer's search had failed her, just as she had failed him. Had divine providence forsaken her after all this time?

"Hey… are you... okay?"

The voice was male, but she could not discern anything else. She turned to face the direction the voice had come from, her depthless blue eyes sparkling with frightened tears.

"Wow..." the voice muttered. "Retsa! Get over here! We've got a Sue! She's injured!"

A set of footsteps approached, and a light flared into existence, causing Lisa to wince and blink spots from her vision – already she could tell her life was fading – her vision was turning dark at the edges.

"Who did this to you?" a female voice whispered, anger laced through her voice. In her pain filled mind, Lisa could only think of one group to blame.

"The Society..."

That was all that her apparent rescuers needed to hear.

"Don't worry miss," another male voice said, anger evident through his voice too. "They shall pay for this..."

"Who are you?" Lisa managed to ask. The female – Retsa – replied.

"We are the Pro-Cliche and Mary-Sue Protection Society... and you're safe now my dear..."

OOO

An hour after the group returned to the Library, Jess had finished the bed sheet banner, and was tearing around the main reading room with the rest of the Society, trying to finish the preparations for the birthday party. Phoenixia had remained in Mr Smith long enough to try and find out who Lisa had been searching for, only to discover that the computer's search history for the past few days had been completely wiped. To everyone's surprise, Phoenixia had not returned to the Library for several hours, and when she had, she had been seen with a wide, naughty smirk on her face. Everyone knew what that smirk meant, but all Phoenixia would say in response to questioning was, "Cyber sex definitely has its benefits…"

As for Emily, she was lying in her room, Willowe's letter in one hand, her new phone in the other. She had tried to distract herself from the day by messing around with her present and its applications, but that hadn't been distracting enough, and soon she had found the letter from her sister and begun rereading it again. This time she had allowed herself to cry as she had reread her sister's words and understood more than ever before.

"That's why I'm doing this, little sister. It's all or nothing. I will take over the Real World and use it to control every possible fandom and world and then, with everything bent to my will, I can only hope the urge will be satiated and because everything will already be perfect, you will grow up and not wind up like me. Or the Society will stop me and that'll be the end of it, too."

She hadn't understood back then. Willowe hadn't just wanted to take over the multiverse. She had genuinely wanted it to all be over. And the only way she had known how had been to keep going.

She had never realised to this day, just how selfish her words had been a year ago. She had wanted Willowe back for her own happiness – to protect her from Ashley and Aspen, and to just be a proper big sister. She hadn't cared what Willowe had wanted, or indeed considered that she may have a bigger motive behind wanting to conquer the multiverse. She had just seen an absent sister, who didn't seem to care anymore.

"When I saw her she was always thinking and calculating her next move," Emily thought. "I thought that she did that with me too, that I was just another variable in her plan to be counted. But maybe I wasn't... maybe I was the only thing that she didn't have to figure out..."

She struggled not to cry again, wiping her eyes on the edge of her sleeve, and freezing mid motion as she caught sight of something.

The envelope which had been clutched in her hand with the letter, had black ink melting into sight on the inside. Emily pulled it open as far as it would go so that she could be sure she wasn't seeing things.

The handwriting was unmistakably Willowe's.

"Twilight. 7pm. 66845 – 6654."

OOO

There was only one Twilight that the message could be referring too.

Emily had originally despaired at getting there – after all, she did not have a plothole generator like Society agents, and she could not just ask Tash or Phoenixia to generate one for her. They would demand to know where she was going, for what purpose, and then insist that they accompany her. She had already made up her mind that she was going on her own.

She was relieved to discover however, that sliding in and out of plotholes seemed to come naturally to her. She realised that this must be one of her powers developing – the first of them – she couldn't help but feel scared as the plothole appeared in front of her, but she remembered what Willowe had told her about not being afraid of her own powers. Clutching the letter tightly in her pocket, she had stepped through into the fandom.

The string of numbers were coordinates, which according to her recently upgraded phone, led her to a small quiet corner of the park in Forks. The latter digits represented the timeframe. She had arrived with five minutes to spare, and quietly took a seat at a bench in the corner. She knew of course, that Willowe had been imprisoned here for some time, and she wondered if her sister had ever sat at this bench.

"Palm Tree Foxblade?"

Her head snapped up, to see an unassuming young man in postal uniform. She couldn't feel anything that felt like Sue powers... in fact compared to the usual inhabitants of this fandom, this guy was painfully normal. Then she realised he had addressed her by her old name.

"That's me," she said. The man looked her over and nodded.

"Yeah, you look like your sister," he admitted, pulling out a padded envelope, sealed with copious amounts of sellotape, from his bag. "This package was delivered to the post office three months ago, with instructions to deliver it to this corner of the park at this exact time." He shrugged, holding out the clipboard. "Oddest delivery we've ever had, but she was such a looker none of us wanted to say no..."

Shaking a little, Emily scrawled a signature, and took the package. The young man replaced the clipboard in his bag, and headed back the way he had come. Down the pathway, Emily could see his bike, but she did not dwell on it for long, and was already trying to tear her way through the sellotape, remembering how Willowe had always wrapped presents beautifully, but had had an incredible habit of sticking excess amounts of sellotape to envelopes.

Finally she tore a hole in the side and shook out the contents – a small simple blue box.

Her shaking hand came up automatically to push her fringe from her eyes.

OOO

"Emily!" Harriet marched through the corridor, calling her charge's name. "Emily! Come on! Everyone is waiting!"

"I'm here Harriet."

The leader turned to see the eleven year old, her head bowed, and a sheepish grin on her face. "Sorry. The Library rearranged the feminism section again."

Harriet chuckled. "It's okay. Now come on. Birthday girl can't be late for her own party."

She steered the girl toward the reading room, not noticing the small palm leaf hairclip in her hair or the radiant smile on her face.