Insert Frankly Disturbing Shipping Here

"Get the fuck OUT, Leonard!"

It was a peculiar feeling, zooming through the air, but it was one Leonard was getting used to pretty quickly. Once upon a time he had leaped through the air, mouth gaping, reading to latch onto his human prey with fearsome incisors.

Now, his airborne experiences tended to come from Jess, usually bodily throwing him out of the Den of Sin when she wanted to use it for her own special purposes. There were always men involved, Leonard pondered. Men with long hair and quite often strange beards. This one was no exception.

Leonard wondered what his personal pet human could be doing with all these men in her room. Maybe they were playing board games? His old brother used to play board games when he wasn't rat-arsed beyond belief. As she also spent quite a lot of time rat-arsed beyond belief, maybe that was what Jess liked to get up to, too.

As his legs were still too stick-like to hold his skinny body off the ground, Leonard dragged himself along the Library corridor, shooting a hiss at Dave as he pelted past. Hopefully someone would have ordered pizza in the past couple of hours... Leonard felt very strongly that he could do with a nice slice or six of his favourite Meat Feast topping.

However, he was very much distracted as the reason for Dave's dash past sped around the corner and nearly collided with him.

Leonard quite liked Shirley. Considering she was a sentient piece of wood and he was a deformed ex-parasitic twin, they had a lot in common. Claws, fangs, inducing mutilation and fear, chasing people... Shirley seemed to be a fan of aiming for the vital organs when she took offense, whereas Leonard had a predilection for ankles... though, of course, that was more because Jess would severely punish him if he started going for the liver again.

Ambling along the corridors, Leonard wondered what to do with himself. When would pizza be arriving? There didn't seem to be anything at the delivery point, which was a shame. With a disappointed hiss, he dragged himself in the direction of the Main Reading Room. Maybe someone would have left some pizza in there...

However, before Leonard could find anything remotely pizza-like, something strange caught his bloodshot eye, shimmering quietly in a side-corridor not far from Jess's room. He edged towards this strange, bizarrely-rainbow coloured patch of air with some trepidation. He'd seen these before... Jess and the others seemed to be going in and out of them all the time. Maybe he'd been through one himself, once upon a time...

Could it possibly be...?

Was it even imaginable...?

Could that be... where the pizza came from?

With a semi-shriek of delight, Leonard hurled his skinny body through the Plothole, and tumbled into another world.

-

"One of these days I'll get you, you bearded British birdbrain, and you will know a whole new world of pain!" Shirley shook a fist as she drew to a halt at a crossroads in the Library corridors. Damn Dave – he'd managed to get just a tiny bit of a head-start on her after his last punning-related incident. Now he'd disappeared into one of four possible corridors... and Shirley didn't know which one.

Maiming needed to be achieved, and Shirley needed to be the one to achieve it, if she had to search the whole Library Arcanium to do it.

With a huff of annoyance, the rather-beautifully polished (if she said so herself) piece of wood shifted her gaze onto each corridor in turn. Her black eyes narrowed, and she decided she'd try the most obvious hiding place – she knew that Dave's room happened to be in the same nook as Ben's and Jess's, just down the corridor that twisted off to her right.

Shirley's anger levels, never exactly far from the surface, seemed to rise even higher with every metre she covered. She hadn't beaten anyone up for approximately, oh, twenty minutes. To be honest, it was making her tense.

And a sodding great Plothole appearing right in her path wasn't exactly going to make her any happier.

Of course, that's what that over-punning Agent would have done – sprung a Plothole and hidden in another world. Some people would do anything to protect their beloved limbs and vital organs. Pah. Well, Shirley wasn't going to fall for that one... especially if the Agent in question was too dim to close the Plothole behind him! Pausing only to make sure her claws were at their best (she thanked whatever deities pensive planks pray to that she'd given herself a full claw-maintenance check only a few hours earlier) she threw herself head first into the fandom.

-

Shirley wasn't quite prepared to land herself in the middle of a Lord of the Rings torture scene. Especially when that scene seemed to be in the middle of a post-battle Helms Deep.

"Well, I suppose this is as good a place as any to hide..." was her first thought.

"...did someone else get him first?" was her second.

"Wow, I never noticed how strange his screams are!" was her third.

It took just that long for Shirley to realise that she wasn't the only person to stumble into this fandom... though 'person' was pushing it as a term.

Instinctively, Shirley ducked behind a conveniently situated rampart to fully take in what she was seeing.

Leonard was writhing around as much as he could from his position smashed against a portion of blown-up wall, pinned at the neck by a pair of large, distinctly Aragorn-like hands. His inhuman screeches were almost painful to the ear; many soliders of Rohan were backing away, wincing and covering their ears. Legolas, Gimli, King Theoden and Gamling were gathered loosely around the struggling, shrieking creature, while Gandalf poked him in the stomach with his staff.

"Insolent creature!" the wizard boomed. "Stop that noise and make sense! Why are you here?"

"We were of the impression that you were following Frodo," Aragorn spat. "Is this some kind of trap? Are you leading him here? Or have you decided to follow us instead?"

"It must be some ploy of Saruman," Theoden growled. "This creature must be answerable to him..."

"Gollum has never had any dealings with Saruman, or so I thought..."

"They think Leonard is Gollum!"Shirley laughed to herself. The canon characters, Gandalf in particular, must have been quite surprised that Gollum's appearance had deteriorated quite so much... and that he had lost the power of speech.

"We'll take him to Saruman," Gandalf declared. "This must be one of his more twisted experiments. We shall set out now."

"We'll have to wait," Theoden frowned. "Éomer must come with us... where is he, anyway?"

"The last I saw he was talking to a girl..." said Gimli, slowly. "I must have not seen correctly, for she had purple hair..."

Shirley laughed out loud this time. Now she could see what had happened. The Plothole hadn't been opened by Dave after all... Evidently Jess had tired of heavy metal musicians, and she had moved onto Lord of the Rings characters. Well, most of them had long hair and beards...

"Enough of this," Shirley yelled, leaping from the ramparts into a knot of confused canon characters. "Gimme that... Leonard."

Nobody spoke. Shirley quite hoped that the Library monitors were picking up what she was seeing – she was quite enjoying the look on Gandalf and Aragorn's faces and she was hoping she could show the others back in the Library.

"Now come on, let him go, or you won't like what's coming your way." Shirley flexed one of her claws and grinned malevolently. Ooh, that Aragorn looked like he had a couple of nice kidneys. She wouldn't mind having a go at one of those... or, you know, both.

Sadly, Aragorn let go of Leonard's throat just as Shirley was about to have some fun. With a terrified hiss, Leonard shot towards the still-open Plothole. With a sigh and a shrug, Shirley followed.

The assembled characters just stared at the Plothole for a moment. Gimli looked down at the pipe in his hands.

"I'm going to have to find out what they put in this pipe weed..."

Shirley let out an exasperated sigh as she stepped through the shrinking Plothole back into the Library. She would have liked to spend more time in the fandom in order to further acquaint her jaws with Gimli's trachea, but any longer in Helm's Deep and chances were Leonard would've ended up being eaten by an Orc or something.

"OK, numb-skull... or... half a skull or whatever you want to call yourself, exactly why were you--gah!"

With a shriek, Leonard had pounced at her and appeared to be trying to bite her in half. Shirley stumbled backwards in surprise, trying to decide whether to tear the little freak limb from limb or just to throw him off her when she realized he wasn't attacking, he was giving her a hug.

"OK, OK real nice, but get off!" Shirley snapped, smacking Leonard on the head with a gnarly fist. With a yelp, Leonard toppled over and fell backwards, his stick-like limbs flailing about wildly in the air for several seconds before he managed to right himself. He turned back to Shirley and started jabbering something in a peculiar combination of shrieks and growls.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Shirley waved a hand dismissively. "Little freak nearly ruined my polish." She muttered as she turned to leave.

Leonard watched her go with his head cocked and a strange expression on his face.

-

It took a couple of hours for news of the stray Plothole to reach Tash's ears. By this time Alice and Louise, who had been on monitor duty at the time, had sensibly and quietly Copyrighted any Lord of the Rings characters who had witnessed the kidnapping of one of their own, along with a deformed humanoid and a bloodthirsty piece of wood apparently storming the fandom. They felt it might be sensible to get things back to normal and perhaps save Jess from some of the inevitable wrath that would be coming her way.

Plus, Jess was still ensconced in the Den of Sin with Éomer and nobody particularly wanted to disturb them.

When Tash found out, mind you, she wasn't quite so considerate.

"JESSICA!" she hollered, stamping down the corridor and slamming open the wooden door. Thankfully, the couple had apparently finished whatever they were doing and were in the process of getting dressed. "You are in big trouble this time!"

"Calm down, dear, it was only a bit of fun." A voice came from under the bed. "There's my bra."

"PHOENIXIA!" Tash's jaw dropped, then she turned to a slightly flushed Jess, who had frozen in the act of pulling her boots on. "Didn't I hear you say once you were straighter than a metre stick?"

"I am not a lesbian – TM." Jess shrugged. "I never said I wasn't up for experimentation."

"And I just couldn't leave this one untested," Phoenixia appeared from under the bed and gave Éomer a pat. His eyes were strangely unfocussed and there was a particularly out-of-character dreamy look on his face. Apparently he'd had a rather good time...

"Right." Tash's voice was measured. "Phoenixia, please take Éomer back to the Lord of the Rings and make sure he's well and truly Copyrighted. You... come with me."

As Phoenixia led an obedient future-King-of-Rohan out of the room, Jess made to follow Tash... but the pair of them were met in the doorway by a rather sorry sight.

"...Leonard?" Jess's eyebrows raised so high they practically became characters of their own.

The small creature on the floor had never looked so pathetic. If his major mode of transport hadn't been dragging himself along on his arms, he would have been dragging his feet as he slowly slid into the room.

"Is... is that a tear?"

Leonard let out a particularly heartfelt sigh, and, barely-formed lips trembling, he made his slow way towards Jess's iPod and speaker. Before either Jess or Tash could react, the (rather incredibly depressing) Nightwish song 'Forever Yours' was blasting out.

-

Over the next few days, things got worse and worse. Even if Jess had been free to go back to her room from the stacks and stacks of paperwork and cleaning she'd been put in charge of, she wouldn't have wanted to. For roughly eight hours each day, more and more emo-ish music was being played at top volume, while Leonard howled and hissed along.

For the remaining hours of the day, he was tailing the object of his affection everywhere she went, a big-eyed expression of pure adoration on his face. Several Agents had a bet on how long it would take Shirley to crack and cause Leonard some serious bodily harm. Some were privately psychoanalysing why she hadn't broken in the first fifteen minutes and just snapped him into pieces, one limb at a time.

On one particular uneventful day Tyler decided to follow the pair of muses/creatures/whatever they were just to see how many times Shirley yelled "BEAT IT YOU LITTLE FREAK!". He counted twenty three in a period of four hours, interspersed with one incidence of "I WILL EAT YOUR LIVER!" and one over-emotional burst of shrieky crying (the latter from Leonard).

For almost a week, Ben's tolerance of the whole 'affair' was impressive. He seemed to find Leonard's attempts to win Shirley's love amusing, if nothing else – he just had to make sure that he was out of the way at that special hour each day when Shirley finally had enough and had to take out her anger on someone. That was the time of day when Ben closeted himself with Lily and the pair of them firmly barricaded the door.

However, he finally got fed up when things came to a bit of a head and he ended up in the hospital yet again... though for once, it wasn't a Shirley-related injury.

Leonard had changed his approach after god-only-knows-how-many cries of "BEAT IT!" He just hadn't been able to understand how his dogged devotion wasn't working – he had even tried to get Shirley to come and play Monopoly with him. What could be more of a draw than that?

But then Leonard found himself watching Harriet wander into her office, clutching an armful of flowers and explaining to Emily that her boyfriend had given them to her. From the way she was smiling at the time, she had to be happy...

A plan was forming in Leonard's small mind.

-

"It's good to be free," Shirley sighed, enjoying a rare moment of peace in Ben's room. "Leonard must be off listening to Paramore again."

"Has he washed off the Magic Marker yet?" Ben asked, striking a random chord on Bahamut and causing the light fitting to shudder.

"God knows," Shirley rolled her eyes and cracked her knuckles. "I know he's an emo now but trying to look like he was wearing eyeliner? Too far..."

"Oh, I'm not sure," Ben grinned. "There's the hair..."

"The hair," Shirley cracked her knuckles harder. "We are not mentioning the hair."

"For a creature with only about three strands of hair, getting them into a side-fringe was pretty impressive." Ben paused. "Especially as he took the Magic Marker to them, too."

Shirley groaned.

"You should be flattered, really," Ben pointed out.

Shirley opened her mouth to speak... but suddenly the Library was rocked by a fearsome holler.

"WHAT- THE- HELL?"

"That didn't sound good..." Ben leapt to his feet, clutching Bahamut.

"WHO DID THIS? MY... GARDEN!"

"Oh," the Agent sat down again. "It's just Phoenixia. Maybe someone let some poisonous slugs in from somewhere again."

Shirley raised an eyebrow. "She sounds pretty angry this time... Oh no. Oh, we're for it."

The reason for Phoenxia's irk was poking his (still covered in black Magic Marker stains) head around the door... a 'bouquet' of somewhat bedraggled-looking flowers extending towards Shirley.

Shirley groaned. "You again?"

Leonard growled something softly and pushed the ragged flowers a little closer to Shirley.

"OK, OK, fine," the Clichè Stick snapped, snatching the flowers, causing several dying petals to flutter to the floor. "Now beat it!"

She rolled her eyes and turned back to a snickering Ben as Leonard shuffled out, feeling that he may at last have accomplished something.

"You'd better not let Phoenixia catch you," Ben snickered. "She'll blast you from here to next week!"

"Oh, I don't intend to," Shirley said, tossing the flowers at Ben and running out of the room.

Ben caught the flowers awkwardly with a confused look on his face. "Hey, what do I do with these?"

He got up to follow his muse just as Phoenixia appeared in the doorway, Incandescent Silverriegn in her hands and murder on her mind.

"Oh, snap."

Ben tried to hide the stolen flowers behind his back, but it was too late.

"So it was you!" Phoenixia shouted.

All color drained from Ben's face.

"No! Wait! Listen, it wasn't me, it was—"

"Hold still!"

"AAAGH! NO! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT THING!"

*BLAM!*

"AAAAGH! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE KNEECAP!"

*BANG!*

"AND THAT WAS MY SECOND-FAVORITE KNEECAP!"

-

"Right, Shirley, this has got to stop." Ben groaned, struggling to sit up in his designated hospital bed (it seemed to him like he spent more time in it that he did in his normal bed).

"It really does," Lily scowled from the chair beside Ben's bed (it seemed to her like she spent more time on it than she did on any other chair in the Library).

"I agree," Shirley heaved a sigh. "I'm the only one who's meant to send you to this bed... But." She paused. "This is so... strange. I actually don't want to hurt him."

"Shirley..." Lily began. "Are you...?"

"Shut it! Right, I'm off to talk to him."

"He won't be far away," Ben provided helpfully. "I'm surprised he hasn't come in here yet with chocolates. Or tried serenading you..."

"He already tried that," said Shirley grimly.

"Be nice to him, Shirley," Valerie bustled over, privately thinking 'if you can'. "He's only just working out what it is to be human, and whatever he looks like now, he is human. Sort of. He can't seem to control his feelings and emotions, you need to take a gentle path with him or else he might regress entirely."

"Gentle," Shirley scoffed. "Well, I'll try."

Shirley had to admit there was something almost sweet in the way Leonard's scrunched-up little face lit up when she marched determinedly into Jess's room, giving the iPod speaker a firm whack and shutting up Evanescence mid-wail.

"Right you, we need a discussion." Shirley put her hands where hips would be on your average human. "This has got to stop."

Leonard looked up at her, naked admiration in his eyes, and gave a gentle hiss.

"I know you're only just discovering your humanity or whatever it was Val was on about. But this is getting too much. So I saved your life – I'd have done it for anyone in the Society."

Leonard raised what would have been an eyebrow, if he had more hair. In a split second, Shirley realised that what she had just said wasn't entirely true.

"Oh fine, fine. So I like you." Shirley sighed loudly as Leonard nearly knocked her off balance in one of his clumsy attempts at a hug. "Woah, calm down, I don't like you that much. Now if this is going to work, I don't want you hanging around me all the time, all right? I need space."

Leonard nodded eagerly.

"And another thing, I'm a busy piece of wood, I have lots of things to do and not enough time to do them. I could definitely use your help with a few things..." Shirley's black eyes took on a slightly evil glint. "First things first... I never quite got Dave back for that Stonehenge pun. You know what to do."

With a happy growl, Leonard scampered off.

"What have I got myself in for?" Shirley sighed. "Oh well. Everyone needs a devoted slave or two."

-

As Leonard dragged himself happily down the corridors, he felt his first twinges of triumph. He knew stealing those flowers would get results...

Insert Complex Physics Term Here

The floor of the Library was shaking.

Valerie could feel the rumbling from the medical wing. Rhia had to rush around her kitchen to stop things from bouncing off the surfaces. In the Basement, several Sues perked their heads up, hoping another takeover-bid was in the offing.

No such luck for the Sues.

"What's going on?" Emily burst into Tash's room, a terrified look on her face. "Is it happening again?"

"Nope." Tash was sprawled on her bed and didn't even look up from her book. "But if you see Jess coming towards you, I suggest you stay away."

As if to illustrate Tash's point, a sudden shriek came from somewhere down the hall.

"LEONARD!"

"She's off." Tash still didn't bother to look up.

"CHRIST ON A BICYCLE!"

"Um... what's she on about now?"

"It's best not to ask."

"BRING THAT BLOODY IPOD BACK!"

"I know Jess gets possessive about her music, but this seems extreme..." Emily was confused, and more than a little scared.

"Oh, it is," Tash raised her eyebrows over her book. "Let's just say... there's been a break up."

"Oh," Emily relaxed slightly. "And this is normal?"

"Well... ish."

Tash didn't feel like explaining to such a young person the dynamics of Jess' relationships and what tended to happen when they ended. In this case, Jess and her pet American back in Real Life had mutually decided to bring things to an end (before his girlfriend could find out what had been going on).

Mutual or not... Jess was still pretty damn pissed off. At it seemed she was taking it out on the Library floors.

Stomp, stomp, stomp.

Jess was angry. Bloody angry, actually. She'd known things would have to end, but she hadn't expected the end to come so soon. Buggeration and bollockery. And now Leonard had run off with her iPod, probably fed up of hearing Jess screeching along to 'Valley of the Damned' over and over again.

Briefly, Jess wondered if the Society had a gym anywhere. She really felt like giving a punchbag what for. It had to have one somewhere, she reasoned... But being the type of person whose preferred exercise regime involved running from kitchen to kitchen trying to find more chocolate, she wasn't entirely sure where one would be found.

"Right, who's in here?" she growled, stamping into the Monitor room. Ben turned from his position at a screen, a somewhat terrified expression crossing his face.

"...me?"

"Yes, you'll do. Any idea where the gym is in here?"

"I... um. Actually I was just about to call you. That Sue you were looking for in the Glee fandom has just popped up again."

"Oh, excellent," Jess smiled. Ben shrank back in fear – it was not a happy smile. In fact it was the smile of a psychopath who was in the mood for some psychopathing. "Far better than a punchbag."

"Maybe someone else should go... She's up to Level 5 now, I should really check with Tash..."

"Screw that, I'm going." Jess took a leap across the room and glanced at Ben's computer screen. "Big Bang Theory? Christicles, she's getting diverse. Right, see you later!"

As Jess activated her Plothole Generator, Ben picked up his Communicator.

"Tash, I think we have a problem..."

The first thing Jess noticed was the heat. Wherever she'd turned up was so swelteringly hot, she felt she could almost be back home in France again in the middle of the summer. Oh well, the Big Bang Theory was set in California, she supposed. Not too unusual for it to be baking, then.

The second thing she noticed was a slightly familiar looking boy standing right in front of her.

"Who are you?" he said, his eyes bulging slightly in shock.

"Never mind who I am, I'm looking for someone," Jess stared around her, ignoring the teenager. She seemed to be in a bedroom, but it wasn't any of the bedrooms she'd seen on the TV show. "Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz, Sheldon Cooper..."

"But I'm Sheldon Cooper," said the teenager.

"No you're not," Jess said absentmindedly, sticking her head out of the window and looking around. Funny, this didn't look like Pasadena... it seemed far too arid. The heat was strong enough in the house but with her head outside she could almost taste it. Surely this wasn't quite right...

"I can assure you, I certainly am."

"Oh... fuck." Jess stuck her head back in the room and stared at the gangly teenage boy standing straight as a rod in front of her. "I'm in Texas, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are."

"And you're a kid, right?"

"I don't know what you mean by 'kid', but I am sixteen years old if you're questioning my age."

"Oh... crap." Jess gave her head a good whack. "Why didn't I do some research?"

"SHELLY!" Suddenly a loud Texan voice hollered from somewhere below. "Dinner's ready! Tell Leonor too!"

"Leonor?" Jess snapped to attention. "So she is here..."

"What do you want with Leonor?" Sheldon's eyes narrowed.

"She's a... an old friend." Jess was trying her very hardest to stay calm and not grab Sheldon round the neck yelling 'Where is she? Where is sheeeee?'

"Is it normal for you to search for your 'friends' in strangers' bedrooms?"

"Yes." Jess put on her best glare. "So how do you know her?"

"She moved in down the street a few weeks ago..." To Jess' abject horror, Sheldon's face went slightly slack and his eyes took on a strange fuzzy hue. "She's... so different. She understands me. She... she knows me."

Well, being a Mary-Sue who had evidently studied the fandom and inserted herself into a point of it that could change the course of canon forever... yeah, it wasn't hard to see how she knew Sheldon. However, while Jess knew this well, poor Sheldon didn't. And that sappy look on his face was so out of character it was scary. Sheldon wasn't meant to have romantic thoughts... he wasn't meant to even comprehend them. Jess was willing to bet they were going round and round in his head now. If he started to get like this, she wouldn't expect things to turn out how they were meant to. He would probably never finish his second dissertation, he might never move to California, he would never meet Leonard Hofstadter, who would therefore probably never meet Penny...

"She is getting so damn good at doing this," Jess growled under her breath.

"Excuse me? I didn't quite catch that."

"I said, where is she now?"

"She was just in the bathroom..."

"Oh, great, I'll just go and surprise her."

Doing an impression of the proverbial speeding bullet, Jess darted out of the room and onto a landing.

"First on the right," Sheldon called from his room.

"Thanks, mate," Jess whispered, edging towards the door. She pressed her ear against it... and heard a very strange sound for a bathroom. Some kind of... knocking? A kind of... scraping? "Screw this."

With a bang, Jess gave the door a good kick.

As it flew open, she breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn't inadvertently stormed in on Sheldon's father on the toilet or some such lovely sight. Instead, sitting on the windowsill with a screwdriver determinedly trying to get the window frame out, was Leonor.

"Oh, crap," she hissed, seeing the somewhat formidable figure of Jess framed in the doorway. "I thought you'd take longer than this."

"Not this time, Leonor," Jess' voice was low. "This time, you're going back to the Basement."

"You think?" Leonor sneered, landing lightly on the tiled floor.

The Sue hadn't changed much since the last time Jess had seen her, way back in the X Files fandom. Like the last time they'd met, she was wearing black skinny jeans almost identical to those Jess had on, along with an oversized band t-shirt – the Rolling Stones had been replaced with Blondie.

"Hey!" Jess exclaimed, noticing something different. "You've had your eyebrow pierced! Copycat!"

"You can talk," Leonor sniffed. "You nicked my hairstyle."

"It's a popular style!"

"Funny you only got it after meeting me..."

"Well at least mine's purple... Just a quick question – what the hell are you trying to do to the window?"

"I heard you coming from a mile away. I wasn't exactly going to hang around and wait for you to get me, was I?"

Jess looked around her. "Um, just in case you haven't noticed... You're in a bathroom. I'm in front of the door. You can't get the window open. I think you've hit a dead end, dearie. Now come here and let me put your personal Prohibitor on and we'll go back to the Library like good-"

Right up until then, Jess had actually been feeling fairly disappointed that she wasn't going to get some kind of chase-and-punch-up out of Leonor... but all of a sudden, it looked like she was going to get her wish.

Leonor had made a quick lunge forward, something silver glinting in her hands that Jess had failed to notice. Jess dropped to the floor to avoid the knife, whipping out her piercing needle from where it was tucked in her sock and stabbing it into Leonor's ankle as she tried to leap towards the door.

With a howl of pain, Leonor attempted to clutch her foot and missed, dropping her knife and falling to the floor. Jess was back on her feet in a second, grabbing her enemy by the throat and hauling her up to eye level. She could feel the pentagram tattoo on her back throbbing, physically willing her to use its powers to bring down Leonor once and for all... but Jess had had too much building up in her in the past while. She wanted to do this herself.

"I've wanted to do this for a while," she hissed through gritted teeth, shoving Leonor against the wall. The Sue gasped as her airway was effectively cut off, held halfway up the wall by the bigger girl's iron grip. Jess stared at her, eyes narrowed, as the flailing of her limbs got weaker and weaker. "You're a useless piece of shit."

With a hideous sounding crunch, Jess' free fist made contact with Leonor's nose. "You don't deserve to roam the multiverse." With another crack, Jess' fist smashed into the Sue's face again. "You're not worth my time!"

Jess pulled back her fist to deliver the blow that would knock Leonor unconscious... and fell to the floor herself.

Jess opened her eyes... and instantly closed them again, the lights of the Medical wing shining far too intensely.

"Oh... bugger. Man, you've got to sort those flaming lights out."

"Welcome back, Jess," said Valerie brightly. "The land of the living has missed you."

"What the-"

"You forgot to Copyright Sheldon." Tash was sitting on the end of Jess' bed. "He heard you smashing around and decided to rescue Leonor. He came in the bathroom when you were shouting and clonked you on the head with a copy of 'Contemporary Physics'. I was just on my way to come and calm you down, I got there just in time to see Leonor scarpering out the front door."

"Crap. Shit. Fuck. Jesus, Tash, how many bloody times are you going to have to show up and save my ass while I'm left on the ground?"

"Honey, I'm worried about you," Tash said gently. "It seems to me you weren't exactly yelling at Leonor back there..."

"Of course I was yelling at Leonor." Jess put her stubborn face on, and Tash sighed. She could tell when her friend was closing up. "Who else do you think I was yelling at?"

"You're still wearing the American's t-shirt," Tash felt the need to point out.

"So? It's comfy."

"And now bloodstained."

"What?" Jess' face fell.

"Case in point."

"Shut up," Jess glowered. "Never mind that. Any sign of Leonor?"

"Nope," Tash sighed. "It's looking like running away is her speciality. God knows where she'll pop up next."

"I'll be there when she does."

"Don't you think you should leave her to someone less... homicidal?"

"No. She's pissed me around too much now. She's mine."

Insert Classic Show Tune Here

"Howl! Seven days to the wolves! Where will we be when they come?"

"Oooooow... ssssss ..."

"Well, it's better than nothing." Jess sighed and flicked off her iPod speaker, giving Leonard a stare. He was sitting on the end of her bed, looking as studious as a skinny, ex-parasitic twin could manage. "I suppose at least you're getting the howling down..."

"Oooow." Leonard repeated, what could pass as a 'pleased' look crossing over his deformed features.
Since arriving in the Library, Leonard had truly come on in leaps and bounds. The murderous misshapen foetus was well on his way to becoming... well, if not a member of normal society, at least a being that didn't spend the majority of his life trying to chomp on people's innards. Even the casual observer could tell that now his favourite food was pizza – especially anything with lots of nice chunky meat on it.

Jess had even finally managed to achieve one of her greatest goals with her creepy little sidekick... through coercion, bribery and outright threats, she had managed to get him to wear a Nightwish t-shirt. He was getting more and more human by the day.

"OK, that'll do for now," Jess gave in. "Off you go, see if Shirley wants a fight or something." Obediently, Leonard flopped off the bed and scurried out of the room. He was still managing to get around by dragging himself on his stick-like arms – his legs were just too malformed to support his meagre weight... even though, thanks to all the pizza, he was starting to develop a little pot belly.

"He's not the only one," Jess mumbled, patting her own stomach as she settled back onto the bed. The Library gave a brief shudder. Somewhere, Jess was sure, someone else would be taking the blame. Well it's true, Jess thought, sticking her tongue out in the direction of the ceiling. We have far too many pizza parties around here and I have far too little inclination to exercise. I fit into my new outfits so that'll do.

It had been a fun day for Jess – she was always a fan of shopping, after all, and shopping with Tash and Harriet was even more fun than usual. It made things a lot more amusing that the three of them had spent half the afternoon crammed into one tiny changing room in Ann Summers, attempting to lace one another into various corsets and skimpy items of lingerie. Harriet was planning an intimate night in with her boyfriend. She and Jess had insisted that Tash come shopping with them; there could be little in life more cheering than trying on underwear all day.

Jess glanced towards the corner of her room, where the reason for its name (the Den of Sin) stood empty. She was bored, and furthering Leonard's education wasn't really what she fancied for the rest of her day. She kicked herself for forgetting to replenish her cage of kidnapped musicians... she rather fancied someone to play with and show off her new purchases, not to mention her new piercings and tattoo. She thought of her pet American back in Real Life, then sighed out loud.

"Buggeration and bollockery." Her problem? His girlfriend was visiting him. Could cause... issues.

Quite literally, thanks to the recent shopping trip, Jess was all dressed up with nowhere to go.

"Bollockation and buggery!" she groaned, then shrugged her shoulders, as if convincing herself of something. "Oh well, nothing else to be done." Pulling an enormous green hoodie over her corset that clashed alarmingly with her hair and giant purple handbag, she strode from the room.

The first room she came to was Rhia's kitchen. She listened carefully at the door, but couldn't hear any voices and she didn't want to barge straight in – nor did she want to receive a frying pan to the head for doing so. Fine. She stalked along a little further, the heels of her boots clacking loudly on the floor.

"Aha, this is more like it!" With a triumphant flourish, she marched into the nearest reading room, the fact that there was not one but three males sitting in there making her smile. All three of them looked up from various books and manga.

Jess rubbed her hands together in a very businesslike fashion."Right." She surveyed the three boys with a critical eye. "Marcus: nope, that definitely wouldn't work out, would it? Tyler: sorry love, too small. Dave... Dave..." Slowly, one eyebrow elevated itself, and Jess started to advance across the room. "Why did I never notice before..."

"Notice... what?" Dave's eyes widened and his hand twitched towards his battleaxe.

"How- aargh!" Suddenly, Jess gave a very un-seductive shriek and toppled straight into Dave's lap. "Bloody hell, Leonard!"

Sure enough, the creepy little sidekick had flung himself straight into the room and catapulted himself onto Jess's back, sending her off-balance and straight on top of poor Dave.

"Oh, come on Jess, you can pounce on men all you like, but doing it physically might get you arrested."

"Phoenixia, if you're going to turn up out of the blue, you can at least be useful and get this little bugger off me!" Jess's voice was muffled.

"I've come here to put the little bugger on you, actually," Phoenixia's sardonic voice was grim. "He got into my garden. Keep him away from me, please, or I promise you I'll find some way to never have to see him again."

"Fine, fine," Jess extracted herself from the armchair, just about managing to balance on her heels with Leonard hanging off her back. "Oh, shove up a bit." She prodded the creature into a proper piggy-back position. With indecent (or actually, considering the circumstances, entirely decent) haste, Dave was leaving the room, with a flustered goodbye.

Jess sighed and reached back around to give Leonard another poke."You are a pain in the bony ass, you know that?" Leonard gave a soft, slightly ominous hiss aimed somewhere in Phoenixia's direction... then gave a shrieky squeal.

"You look a little hot and bothered, dear," said Tash, staggering slightly as Leonard leapt from Jess onto her shoulder. "One question, why does your sidekick seem to like me so much all of a sudden?"

Jess shrugged. "You tend to order the pizzas."

"Good point," the new Librarian gave Leonard an awkward pat on the head. Jess almost expected him to purr. "Anyway, the monitors have been having a bit of a beep. Guess who's causing havoc now?"

"Who?"

"Remember Leonor?"

"The Sue I nearly blew up in the X Files fandom? Led to me finding Leonard? Not scared of my needle? Yeah, I remember her... wait a sec." Jess raised her eyebrows. "Isn't she in the Basement?"

"Clearly not," said Tash. "We'd put her down on the casualty list after the Invasion." She took a breath. "But apparently she wasn't interested in joining the other Sues so she wasn't taken down... she just hotfooted it out of here."

"I'll go get her, it won't take long," Jess was already halfway to the door. "Let me restock my Copyrights and I'll be on my way. What's the fandom?"

"Glee. Never seen it..."

"GLEE!" Jess gave a very high pitched shriek. "Oh my god, you have got to come with me. It's just such a fun fandom, it'll be hilarious!"

"I don't know..."

"Come on, Tash," Jess wheedled. "Everything's been so depressing around here lately. I swear, five minutes listening to the music in this fandom and you'll be grinning like Leonard at the words..." Jess paused. "M-e-a-t f-e-a-s-t."

"Meat feast?" Tyler piped up innocently. Instantly Leonard's face split into a frankly rather terrifying toothy grin, and he bounced from Tash's shoulder to the floor, scuttling at top speed from the room.

"He's going to the delivery point," Jess sighed. "Oh well, we'll be gone by then, someone else can deal with him when he finds out there's no pizza."

Within half an hour, McKinley high school seemed to have gained two new pupils. If anyone noticed that they were considerably older than the general mass of students, nobody was saying anything.

"She'll be at the Glee club meeting," Jess said confidently. "If I remember Leonor correctly, she'll have seduced someone, or at least be in the process of seducing someone. She's not very original. I'd guess she'll be aiming for Finn, Puck, or even Mr Schue if she's feeling particularly sure of herself."

"When's the Glee club meeting?"

"Um... in an hour. Can we find a French class so I can show off?"

"No."

After a brief argument, the two Agents ended up sitting in the choir room, waiting patiently for the Glee club – and the Sue – to arrive. Jess, as always when faced with a piano, was showing off. Not entirely successfully, of course, considering she was actually pretty rubbish at playing the piano. But she had plenty of enthusiasm and was, as always, very loud.

"Wow, Bohemian Rhapsody is one of my favourite songs!" Suddenly, the Agents realised they weren't alone. While Jess had been hammering the piano like it had mortally insulted her mother, Mr Schuester and the majority of the Glee club had trooped into the room and were starting to warm up.

Jess leapt up from the piano stool at once, as if it had suddenly burst into flames. Tash was already standing, scanning the assembled crowd with narrowed eyes.

"It's always great to see new members," Mr Schue continued talking, grinning his infectious grin. "Did you hear about our great performance at Sectionals? Of course you're welcome, especially with a good liking of Queen... 'Somebody to Love' is one of our specialities."

"We're not actually here-" Tash began.

"Of course we'd love to join in!" Jess interrupted. Tash shot her a look.

"Right guys, we're going to go through the dance for Bad Romance now, then we'll work on putting the vocals together," Mr Schue clapped his hands and the traditional members of the Glee club filed into place. "By the way, your names are...?"

"I'm Jess, she's Tash." Jess gave Noah Puckerman, who happened to be standing fairly close to her, a suggestive wink. "We're on an exchange from the UK." She turned to Tash and whispered, disguising herself in the general noise of the high school students warming up their voices. "I don't see Leonor anywhere. We might as well blend in and see if anything's going on. And it's Bad Romance!"

"But Jess... we can't sing."

Back in the Library, Dave was idly watching the monitors, just to make sure his fellow Brits didn't land themselves in any trouble. It wasn't turning out to be the most interesting mission he'd ever watched, though Jess's over-eager piano playing had been bizarre to say the least.

However... Dave's eyes widened as he realised that Jess and Tash were both... dancing? Could that be called dancing? It was debateable. The expression on Tash's face said quite clearly "I do not want to be here." Jess was obviously having the time of her life.

"This I have got to see! Someone watch the monitors," he called out, sprinting from the room.

"And back step-ball-change, and right step-ball-change, clap once, clap twice, and around, around, step-ball-change..."

"When we get back I'm going to eat you," Tash growled, staring at her feet and willing them to go in the right direction.

"Ah get over yourself, this is fun!" Jess giggled, waving her arms somewhat uselessly. She didn't seem to care that her feet were going in a completely different direction from everyone else's. "Wahoo!"

"OK, that's the basic dance step sorted, now let's work on layering the vocals on top... Kurt, Finn," Mr Schue sighed. "Do you mind saving it?"

"Sorry Mr Schue!" Kurt chirped, good naturedly slapping Finn's arm from around his waist. "Won't happen again... until later, anyway." He sent a lascivious wink in Finn's direction... which Finn returned.

"Now, Jess and Tash, what are your vocal ranges?"

"Um..." The two girls shot slightly panicked glances at one another.

"You know, it's probably best if we just join in and follow along, then we can work out where we're going to be," Jess bluffed. She knew perfectly well that both she and Tash's vocal abilities ranged somewhere between 'lower awful' and 'higher awful', with no impressiveness whatsoever.

"Good idea, just follow on. From the top, guys!"

"Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah, roma, ro-mah-mah, gaga ooh la la... want your bad romance..." The entire Glee club burst into song, Jess and Tash bouncing along behind them as they started their dance routine.

"This is priceless," Dave murmured. He had slipped unnoticed into the room and was quietly filming as his friends stumbled their way through Bad Romance. Tash was keeping her voice low, but Jess was happily bellowing out the lyrics, taking great pleasure in the line "I want your love and all your lover's revenge." She was not entirely in tune.

With a triumphant "Want your bad roma-a-ance" the song came to a close.

"Excellent, guys!" Mr Schue clapped his hands together. "With a bit of polishing this'll be great for Regionals. Take a break for a moment."

"Jess, we have got to get out of here," Tash hissed. "There is no sign whatsoever of the Sue..."

"Yeah but things are definitely messed up around here," Jess hissed back. "Finn and Kurt? I love it, but it's definitely not canon. And Mr Schue seems a bit... wussy. He didn't even try to audition us, or anything. I'm sure that's out of character. And... look over there." She subtly gestured to the piano stool. Puck was sitting on it... and Rachel was sitting on him. The pair of them were rubbing noses like very soppy Eskimos.

"They're quite cute," Tash commented. "They're obviously mad about one another."

"Exactly," Jess raised her eyebrows. "Look at that drippy expression on Puck's face." The bemohawked bad boy of the Glee club did indeed look rather loved up. "I swear that expression has never crossed his face in his canon life."

"We're going to need a fair few Copyrights and the Sue hasn't even turned up yet," Dave agreed.

"Definitely..." Tash nodded, then jumped. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Dave grinned and brandished his camera. "I'm the new reporter for the school paper, if anyone asks."

"Oh... bollocks," Tash sighed, and got to her feet. "Right, Jess, we need to stop wasting time dancing around like maniacs and find this Sue."

Suddenly the face of Emma Pilsbury, the school's guidance counsellor, appeared at the door, smiling at Mr Schue, who jumped slightly and started to grin widely.

"Right, I'm calling an end to this rehearsal," he said, clapping his hands once again. "I've just realised I have somewhere else to be... Keep practicing, guys!"

He was out of the room within seconds.

"See!" Jess gestured towards the door. "He cares far too much about the club to be this flip about it. Even for Emma. Someone has definitely been messing with this fandom."

"Me and Dave will go back to the Library," Tash said. "You stick around here and try to find out what you can. If we pick up any clue as to Leonor's location from the monitors we'll let you know."

"Good stuff, see you soon!" Jess waved as her friends made a swift exit. She took a deep breath, then looked around the room. Most of the Glee club members had already left. In fact, as Jess paused to consider it, most of them had been very quiet throughout the whole practice. Practically two-dimensional, in fact.

Yes, the Sue had definitely been doing something... though for her not to actually be at the centre of the fandom was certainly a bizarre twist.

"So you're from England, right?" Jess looked up from her pondering to see Mercedes and Kurt, official Glee club divas, standing in front of her like a pair of sentinels.

"That's right," she put on her most winning smile and stood up in front of them. "It's a lovely place."

"Oh, I know," said Kurt, flicking a loose strand of hair out of his eyes. "I went to London last year. I could live in Harrods."

"Me too, the shoe boudoir is my heaven," Jess eagerly replied.

"So, tell us about yourself," said Mercedes. "If you're going to be part of the Glee club, we'll have to work out if we like you."

"I'm Jess," Jess shrugged. "What more do you need to know?"

"Do you realise that your hoodie clashes with your hair?" Kurt pointed out, raising one impeccably waxed eyebrow.

"Oh, yes, but it's just to keep me a bit respectable." With a flourish, Jess whipped off her hoodie to reveal her favourite black and white corset. "Didn't think this'd be appropriate wear for an American high school."

"Is it appropriate for an English one?"

"Wouldn't know!" Jess said brightly, then added under her breath. "It's been a few years since I've had the pleasure."
"Come have a drink with us," Kurt and Mercedes took Jess by an arm each and marched her out of the room, giving her just enough time to fling her giant purple handbag over her shoulder. "We'll get slushies and go watch Finn at football practice."

Jess smiled to herself. She knew she'd been accepted. Nothing like a slutty corset to impress a teenage fashion geek or two. Next step, information...

"So, how long have you and Finn been an item?" she asked. "You make a cute couple."

"Not long now," Kurt smiled widely.

"But you'd think they'd been together forever," Mercedes put in. "They just can't keep their hands to themselves!" She nudged Kurt as they joined the queue at the slushy machine.

"Was it a... sudden thing?"

"I liked him for years," said Kurt, slightly misty-eyed. "But he only changed his mind about me a couple of weeks ago. He was into girls."

"Yeah, I heard he was going out with that celibacy club girl..." Jess said slowly.

"Oh, you don't want to know about that," Mercedes laughed wryly as the trio started to meander towards the football field. "Talk about drama... she got pregnant, pretended Finn was the father... now she's left the school and apparently had an abortion."

"What?" Jess stopped in her tracks. "But she was so... what do you call it... pro life! Christian, all that stuff..."

"She changed her mind," Mercedes shrugged. "She made a new friend..."

Aha, Jess thought. She could see where this was going...

"Leonor," Kurt said, a note of reverence in his voice.

Bingo! Jess's inner voice was having a celebration.

"She joined Glee club a few weeks ago," Mercedes explained. "I don't know where she's got to today..."

"She was one of us before that, in other words totally anonymous," Kurt put in. "None of us had ever really noticed her. But she's incredible. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be with Finn... Rachel and Puck would never have got it back together and so Rachel wouldn't be out of our hair ninety percent of the time..."

"She sounds like quite a character," Jess mumbled, trying to work out her next move.

"I think you'd like her," said Mercedes with a smile. "She's great."

"Hmm," Jess muttered. True, she had found inspiration for her most recent haircut from Leonor's sweeping side fringe, and she had been wondering if a tongue piercing would suit her like it did the Sue. But no matter. "I'd like to meet her. Is it... unusual, for her to miss a rehearsal?"

"Definitely," both canon characters nodded. "She's the best singer we have, even better than Rachel."

"I should have known," Jess raised her eyebrows.

"I really don't know where she's got to," Mercedes said, perching on one of the seats in the stands. The football team were warming up on the field below. Kurt was rather distracted. "I haven't seen her all day."

"Does she live in town?" Jess was almost as distracted as Kurt, though more by the problem of find-the-Sue than the beefy bodies of the football players below – which admittedly made quite a change, though she did also admit to preferring rugby players.

"I don't know..." Mercedes began, but was suddenly interrupted by a harsh beeping from the pocket of Jess's skinny jeans.

"Excuse me a sec." Jess leapt from her seat and pulled out her Communicator. "Tash, what've you found?"

"She's gone," the Librarian sighed. "There's no sign of her in the fandom whatsoever. Get Copyrighting, then come on back."

"Aww, I was making friends!" Jess whined.

"Jessica..."

"All right, all right, I'm going."

"So she's completely disappeared?"

"Yep."

Jess and Tash were back in the monitor room, staring at the screens.

"She must have got wind of us," Jess sighed.

"I reckon so, you were making a lot of noise on that piano," Tash poked her gently. "I checked out some readings, though. She's been corrupting the characters-"

"Yeah, I noticed. I mean, no way in hell would Quinn have got an abortion. And much as I'd love Kurt and Finn to get together, it was never going to happen... and when I tried to flirt with Puck, he didn't even flirt back!" Jess shook her head in disbelief. "The normal Puck would never be like that."

"As I was saying..." Tash gave Jess a quick glare. "She's been corrupting the characters and using the energy from their transformations to build power for herself. She's getting stronger."

"That's never what we want to hear," Jess groaned.

"Now, all we can do is wait for her to pop up somewhere else."

"I'll be on my guard," Jess promised. "I'll get her."

"Before you do that, you might want to get Leonard," Tash commented. "He got upset when he found out there were no pizzas and may have raided Rhia's kitchen... Cristoph tossed him into an empty cage in the Basement."

"Oh no!" Jess leapt off. "What if this makes him regress? It took me so long to get him into that t-shirt..."

With a bang of the door, Jess ran off to liberate her unfortunate sidekick.

"That girl has got to get a life," Tash sighed, shaking her head.

Insert Slightly Flaming Metaphor Here

"JESS! FOR GOD'S SAKE GET YOUR LITTLE CREATURE OFF ME!"

It was your average day in the Library Arcanium. Paperwork was being surreptitiously stuffed down the back of sofas, pocky was being chomped on, and Harriet was shouting. Loudly.

"Jesus, Jess, where are you?" The leader of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society crashed into the main reading room, where a small selection of Agents were happily absorbed in the delights of the Library's many bookshelves. In one of Harriet's hands was a cricket bat... which was being repeatedly poked into the ribs of the bizarre being attached to her left ankle.

"Wow, Harriet-san, you've made a friend," Aster piped up from her stack of manga.

"Where is Jess? He won't leave me alone!"

The creature hanging happily from Harriet's leg was named Leonard – a freaky-looking partially-formed conjoined twin, who had sneaked his way into the Library via The X Files fandom and a large purple handbag. It was still unclear exactly why he'd decided to stick with a hapless Society Agent, but the large quantities of pharmaceutical products gathered around the bottom might have had something to do with it... it was one theory as to how he was staying alive without a host body, at least.

"Last time I saw her she was going that way," Aster pointed towards the corridor, her eyes narrowing. "She was refusing to join my anime class... again."

"She's probably got a musician trapped beneath her somewhere," Ossa pointed out matter of factly. Harriet nodded grimly and limped off, Leonard swinging happily along.

In fact, the Agent in question was, for once, not in her room (or, as it was commonly known, Den of Sin) with a captured metal musician. Harriet finally tracked her down in one of the smaller reading rooms, sitting alone, cross-legged on the floor. Soft, atmospheric music was playing, and the lights were dim.

"Jess, will you take this thing away please?" With an almighty kick, Harriet detached Leonard, who flew through the air for a brief second before landing with a thud in his mentor/owner/feeder's lap.

"Be calm, Harriet," Jess said in a slow, ethereal voice. Harriet stopped in mid-stomp-from-the-room and turned around in amazement. Jess hadn't moved from her position, and had her eyes closed, completely ignoring the ugly little creature positioned on her lap. He and Harriet both instantly adopted identical expressions of 'What the hell?' (although on Leonard it was a lot more disturbing).

"What are you doing telling me to be calm?" Harriet raised her eyebrows.

Jess took a deep breath, then opened her eyes.

"Sorry about that," she stretched her arms behind her head, then stood up. "I've been learning how to meditate. Trying to get control of my powers and all that," she barked a raucous laugh, shaking her head as if to clear dust from it. "Hasn't worked much. I singed one particular bassist's beard the other day and I didn't even mean to..."

Sensing that life was back to normal again, Leonard let out a gruesome snarl, and shimmied up to Jess's shoulder like a disturbing take on a monkey. He gave Harriet a glare.

"Did he bite you?" Jess sighed, as the two Agents headed out of the reading room towards one of the Library's several kitchens. "If he did, don't worry, he's had all his shots now..."

"No," Harriet shook her head. "He just seemed to want a ride." Jess raised her eyebrows. "Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"At least he's starting to make friends," Jess shrugged. "He's getting more civilised by the day, I'm sure he's going to start talking soon..." From her shoulder, Leonard gave an angry sounding hiss. "Well, maybe not, but he's trying. Thanks for not ripping his head off though, I owe you a drink." Jess reached for her handbag – there was bound to be some kind of alcohol in there. There always was, after all.

Suddenly, a skinny blonde whirlwind flew around a corner in the corridor, nearly smashing straight into Jess. Leonard wobbled dangerously and growled.

"There you two are," Tash panted. "The Sue Monitor is making quite nasty noises, we need someone to go and check it out; and it needs to be one of the older Agents. That means one of us."

"What's the fandom and what's going on?" Harriet asked, almost lazily.

"It's a relatively new fandom, and the Sue doesn't seem to have too many powers... but she's got the ability to shake the fandom quite seriously. She's found her way into the time before the books actually started, and if she carries on the way she's going she's going to stop them from happening at all! She's setting things in motion that aren't meant to happen for nearly ten years..."

"Fandom, Tash?" Harriet clucked.

"See the reason we can't send any of the younger Agents in is that in this fandom, teenagers are kind of... bashed about a bit. Understatement. No teenager is safe, they could be sucked into something quite horrific. Imagine Big Brother with blood. So we need someone in their twenties to go."

"I know what this is!" Jess exclaimed suddenly. "It's got to be! It's 'The Hunger Games', right?"

"Well done," Tash nodded. "I'm going to take that as volunteering."

"Sure thing," Jess grinned. "Those books are brilliant. So it's before they started, you say, but in the same world?"

"Exactly. I haven't read them myself..." Tash consulted the printout in her hand. "It's in a place called 'The Capitol'. Do you know what that means?"

"Yup," Jess nodded. "Aww, I hope I run into Cinna, he's a cool dude-"

"Focus on the mission, madam!" Harriet gave Jess a quick glare.

"I will," Jess attempted to pout, but was grinning too much. It had been a while since she'd been on a mission and she was looking forward to a bit of danger. Which, of course, she'd find pretty easily in the Hunger Games fandom...

-

The Capitol was in an uproar. It was the day before the sixty-eighth Hunger Games were to begin, and their whole organisation had been turned upside down... by one insignificant teenage girl.

For nearly seventy years the Hunger Games had been the focus of the year for the whole of Panem. As a punishment to the twelve Districts that had rebelled against the Capitol all those years ago, twelve boys and twelve girls were selected randomly each year and thrown into the Arena. The aim was simple: be the last survivor. The Gamemakers did their best to mix things up; conditions for the teenagers, or Tributes, were always hard. Even if they were on their own, they'd find it hard to survive.

But that was without the threat of the other Tributes hanging over their heads... for to be the last survivor, of course you had to kill off your competitors...

It was such a major event throughout the whole of Panem – the Capitol had turned the whole thing into a celebration, televised and broadcast throughout all twelve Districts, and of course the Capitol itself. It was there that the Games were the most enjoyed. After all, the Capitol didn't have to provide any Tributes. All they had to do was watch, bet, and take pleasure in the senseless deaths of Panem's teenagers.

Yet this year, everything was changing – in ways it was not supposed to.

One sole girl from the Capitol was making noises, and those noises were being heard. Nobody knew quite where she had come from. Some people seemed to think she had been there all her life, though others had a sneaking suspicion she'd just turned up to cause trouble.

At first glance, Hazel la Mendiante was not beautiful, but then you caught a glimpse of her shining green eyes... and you were captivated. It was only then that you would notice her glossy mahogany curls cascading down her back, and the humble way she held herself in a world of excess and ostentation. Unlike most Capitol residences, her smooth, pale skin was untouched by gaudy tattoos and make up, and her clothes were simple. One glance into those eyes and you would be overwhelmed by her intense air of vulnerability and innocence, and the urge to protect her would come upon you...

Hazel's life in the Capitol had started quietly – moving carefully through the city, she had started to spread whispers of unrest. The Hunger Games were brutal, pointless, murder, she insisted. They needed to be stopped. After all, how would the Capitol residents feel if it was their children who were herded into the Arena to be slaughtered like animals?

Where others had failed, Hazel's innocence and humility touched the Capitol residents like never before, and they were starting to see the light. When she personally volunteered to go into the Arena herself, the city broke down en masse. Faced with her pleas, the Gamemakers were powerless to ignore her, and they allowed her to start the process of becoming a Tribute, never mind the rules.

The Capitol was facing rebellion... seven years early.

-

"Ensilumi satoi kahdesti, maalasi sieluni taulun..." Jess sang to herself as the lift shot upwards, clutching her faithful purple handbag to her side. Despite being well past her twentieth birthday, she couldn't help but be a tiny bit scared that somehow she'd end up chucked into the Arena. Humming a bit of Finnish metal usually calmed her down, but for some reason she couldn't shake the feeling of foreboding creeping over her.

She'd been told the Sue had been given quarters in the Training Centre tower, just like all the other Tributes. She had a small set of rooms at the top, behind the District Twelve area. Typical, Jess sighed. Talk about attention seeking.

Within second the lift door were opening on Floor Twelve... and Jess came face to face with a massive guard.

"What are you doing here?" he looked down, raising his stencilled eyebrows. Jess opened her mouth to give her story... then shut it immediately as the guard's face went slack. "Oh, of course, you must be a relative of Miss Hazel. The resemblance is uncanny," he murmured. "Though you've done something with your hair and your eyes aren't quite as..." He tailed off and adopted a very moony expression as Jess gripped at the end of her purple bob in shock. Her mouth fell open. What the fuck was he on about?

She decided she might as well make the most of it.

"Yeah, I'm her sister," she nodded, closing her mouth.

"Funny, she's always claimed to have no family, but the evidence is here," the guard laughed. "I'm not supposed to let anyone see her, she's such a celebrity now... but I can make an exception for family. Especially such... well clad family..." His eyes roved over Jess's figure and she sighed. Maybe she should change her battle outfit, she reasoned as she was led along the plushly carpeted corridor. After all, a black leather corset might work at a metal gig, but it could cause some problems in a fandom... especially teamed with very tight black jeans...

"We'll talk later, dear," Jess patted the guard firmly on the shoulder as they came to a halt in front of a door. "Now, she's in here?"

"Yes," the guard nodded.

"Right," Jess squared her shoulders. "Now, if you hear any strange noises from in here, don't worry. You know, crashes, explosions, screams... we tend to greet each other quite vociferously, my sister and I." With that, she pushed the door open and strode into the room.

"Finally," Hazel sighed, turning around from where she had been standing at the window, her curls gently floating behind her in a slight breeze (where had that come from? Jess wondered briefly. Sues always seem to get 'slight breezes' just when they need them...hang on-). "I was beginning to think you weren't coming and I'd have to actually take part in those awful Games. I've been waiting for you to come and find me."

"Gah," Jess managed to say, flopping onto Hazel's bed.

It was the first time she'd ever been encountered with a Sue of her own creation. And it was scaring the shit out of her.

"What... the... fuck?" she managed to spit out. Hazel watched her from her position by the window with a measured expression.

"I thought coming here would attract your attention," she said simply. "I knew out of all those 'Society' people, you'd be the one most interested in the Hunger Games. I thought I might as well come here and stir things up a bit, that'd get you."

"If you wanted to talk to me, couldn't you have just sent me a letter or something?" Jess protested weakly. "I'm your author. Fairly easy to contact. Just send a plot bunny my way. Smoke signals. Anything."

"Where's the fun in that?"

Suddenly, Hazel was millimetres in front of her creator, an emerald-encrusted dagger at her throat. Jess wasn't fast enough to move – Hazel had taken advantage of her shock and had grabbed her by the fringe. Damn, I need to get that cut, Jess thought in a moment of madness.

"You abandoned me," Hazel hissed. "You left everything at a cliffhanger. Siranna had the Stones, Xara and Seamus's children were still kidnapped, and I was just about to have sex with Darion!" her voice rose to a shriek. "And you stopped writing!"

Jess flinched with embarrassment at the memory of her first novel. She had meant to write a sequel where Hazel's issues got resolved... but having read back over the story two years after its completion, she'd laughed at herself and shoved it away, never to be seen again. She hadn't expected another two years to pass and to find herself face to face with her old creation – the protagonist of a strange little story called 'The Dragon Stones'.

"God, you really can tell whose creature you are," Jess murmured in spite of herself. "Your major concern is getting yourself laid."

"Think about it," Hazel said softly, dropping Jess back on the bed. "In a way, I am you. You created me in your image..." She tossed her hair. "Only better. We have the same hair, the same face, the same body... well, we had the same hair." She wrinkled her nose. "What have you done to it? It's purple for goodness sake!"

"Fashion, darling," Jess gave a wry grin. "I'm older and wiser now – and some kind soul invented GHDs. And by the way, in case you haven't noticed, we don't have the same body anymore, either. You were me at fourteen... I've developed a bit since then." She stuck her tongue out.

"Not... the... issue," Hazel shook her head and flew across the room again. "I couldn't really care less about your bloody chest. You left me sitting on the edge of a bed in my nightie for the rest of eternity, Darion inches away from me... naked! For that, you are going to bloody pay!"

Hazel flung herself on top of Jess, her dagger at her throat again... but this time, Jess was prepared. With a ferocious kick of her spiky-heeled boot, she sent Hazel sprawling to the floor. In one swift move, she leapt up from the bed and stood over her creation, a scowl on her face.

"Nobody tries to kill me and gets away," she spat. "Well... not often. And you're not going to be one of them!"
But before Jess could whip out her trusty Prohibitor, Hazel was back on her feet again.

"In case you don't remember, you didn't exactly write me unprotected," her eyes glittered, and she tossed back her hair to reveal her ears. Noticing the way they were slightly upswept and pointed made Jess groan.

"Bollocks and buggeration," she groaned, as Hazel closed her eyes, almost beginning to pulse. With a screech, Jess started to levitate slightly off the ground. "Hey, you're not supposed to know you can do that until the sequel!"

"I've learnt some things in the past four years," Hazel murmured softly, as Jess felt her throat begin to constrict. Jess groaned again as she remembered that she herself had planned for Hazel's half-elven powers to manifest themselves in psychic manipulation.

Suddenly, a massive gust of wind battered against the Training Tower, and the window of Hazel's room shattered under its immense pressure. Hazel jumped and Jess dropped back to the floor.

"I've learnt some things too," Jess grinned, feeling the rush of elemental power flow to her fingertips from her Pentagram tattoo. She took a step forward to where her Sue cowered in a pile of broken glass. "You'd be surprised."

"So would you," Hazel hissed, and Jess felt herself begin to spin, her body losing control.

"At least I haven't been stuck as a virgin!" Jess managed to yell as she span faster and faster towards the gaping hole where the window used to be. "I have a sex life!"

Abruptly, she stopped spinning as Hazel gave a wordless cry of rage. "You created Darion, you know how damn sexy that elf is!" she shrieked. "You try being stuck unable to touch him for four years!"

The distraction gave Jess just enough time to leap out onto the bed. "Wow, this is bouncy!" she exclaimed, giving a little jump – just high enough to avoid the dagger that Hazel had thrown from across the room. "Thanks, Hazel!" Jess picked it up and glanced at it. "Hey, this is your Irish dagger! How cute!" Her eyes narrowed. "Have it back."

With a simple flick of the wrist she sent the dagger speeding back through the air towards the Sue, who dodged out of the way. She regained her composure with another toss of her hair (Jess resisted the urge to use her powers to make an atmospheric slight breeze) and closed her eyes again.

"Oh no you don't!" Jess shouted, quickly focussing her energy to her tattoo. She'd been lucky with the wind – now, she felt it was the time to use a different element... fire. Jess began to concentrate on her Pentagram, and focussed the energy on the carpet directly in front of Hazel's feet...

However, again Hazel was too quick. This time Jess felt her eyes begin to droop, and she gave a yawn in spite of herself.

"Are you feeling sleepy, author-darling?" Hazel said sweetly.

"Hey," Jess complained drowsily. "I never gave you that power."

"My new boss has taught me some things," Hazel murmured, her soft voice lulling Jess's eyes almost entirely closed...

Then they snapped open again. Jess looked around, confused that Hazel had given up – but then she saw the door slowly opening.

"Miss Hazel, I brought you and your sister some-" It was the adoring guard.

"GO AWAY!" the author and the Sue yelled at the same time. The guard stopped in his tracks, totally perplexed. In one glance, he took in the shattered glass all over the room and the gaping hole where the windows used to be. Hazel's previously perfect face was covered in blood from several scalp wounds, and Jess was standing on the bed in a quickly assumed battle crouch. The guard's eyes narrowed and he started to move towards the supposed perpetrator of the mess... Jess.

"Oh, give over," she sighed, and bounded forward. Within two seconds the guard had a Copyright beautifully affixed to his forehead. His expression went briefly blank, then he wandered happily out of the room, totally ignoring Hazel, Jess, and the chaos of the room.

"What did he just do?" Hazel asked, confused. "He just... left."

"Not even this room is meant to be here, as it was built for you," Jess explained. "He won't register anything that's not entirely canon, now. Anyway, where were we?"

"Here," Hazel growled, her forehead wrinkling as she began concentrating again.

"Oh, so not going to work," Jess chuckled, advancing towards her self-made Sue. While her eyes were closed, she dropped one hand gently on the back of her neck... and concentrated. "I don't want to kill you," she murmured. "But I'm prepared to if you don't stop this."

Hazel's eyes snapped open and she stared up at her creator, who seemed to be fairly thrumming with energy. Suddenly her eyes bulged. "I... what are you-" She tried to speak, but her words were cut off abruptly by the flow of water into her throat.

"Do you want me to stop?" Jess continued to use the same soft, calm voice as she had while meditating, feeling the power of the water flowing through her and into the Sue.

But Hazel didn't capitulate. With an effort that must have hurt her, she focussed the last of her energy on her author. Jess felt her throat begin to constrict again – tightly. As she struggled to breathe, she felt her flow of water begin to falter. If she could just hold on longer than Hazel... if she could just give one final surge and let her lungs fill with water...

She couldn't do that.

"I can't kill you!" she gasped, releasing her grasp on the Sue. At the same time, she felt the grip on her windpipe relax. "You were right – you're me, and I'm you. It would be like... like a form of suicide."

Hazel said nothing, but coughed up a stream of pure water onto the carpet, looking like she was about to pass out.

Weakened, barely able to fill her own lungs with air, Jess saw her chance. With the last of her energy, she whipped out her Prohibitor and fixed it firmly onto Hazel's wrist. "There we go," she whispered, and fainted.

-

"Holy Hietala's Trousers!" Jess exclaimed and shot bolt upright in bed. "What the fuck? Where's Hazel? Oh bollocks and buggeration..."

"Calm down, woman!" Tash grinned. "You're safe."

Jess took a look around her. Sure enough, she was in the hospital wing. Valerie was on one side of her bed, measuring her pulse. Tash was on the other.

"What-" she began, before launching into a coughing fit.

Valerie scowled. "She messed up your lungs pretty well, I have to say. You're going to be out of action for a little while."

"Is she in the Basement?" Jess managed to croak. "Please tell me she didn't get away."

"Don't worry," Tash reassured her. "She's safe."

"I can't believe she turned so... odd," Jess sighed. "When I made her, I didn't make her like that. I'm sure she wasn't quite such a Sue..."

"You were fourteen, dear," Tash reminded her. "We all have our demons."

"Some have more than one!" With very little ceremony (for once) Harriet crashed into the room... Leonard's skinny arms wrapped tightly round her neck in a very bizarre imitation of a piggy back ride. "Have this one back!"

With a soft flump, Leonard landed on the bed and shimmied up to hang around Jess's neck.

"Aww, if I didn't know better I'd say Leonard was giving you a hug," Tash laughed. "But I can see his teeth..."

"Get... off!" Jess detached the parasitic creature from her neck and gave him a stern glare. "Bad Leonard! We talked about biting people! Have you been a good boy for Aunty Harriet?"

"Huh," Harriet brushed her hair back in an attempt to regain her leaderly composure. "I'm glad you weren't gone long, let's just say that."

That night, Jess had been allowed to return to her own room. For once it wasn't the Den of Sin, just a cosy little room, draped in purple curtains, illuminated by gentle candlelight. Leonard was snoozing contentedly in Jess's handbag in the corner, and soft music was playing.

"Staring, dreaming, cold rain, skin steaming, just some fog in my eyes," sang Marco Hietala over Jess's iPod speakers – his usually raucous voice soft and steady. Jess closed her eyes briefly.

She couldn't help thinking about Hazel. She couldn't imagine being suspended like the Sue had been, without a way out for so long. No wonder she had been driven to hate her author. For Jess it would have been a fate worse than death to be caught in a moment in time, with no resolution and no way to escape... and as Hazel had pointed out, author and creation had a lot in common. It must have been a relief to be released – Jess didn't want to start contemplating who or what had released her.

With a sigh, she opened her laptop. Maybe she'd give Hazel her happy ending after all... the ending she had always planned.

-

Locked securely in the basement, one Sue began to smile, as new memories began to fill her consciousness. She let her eyes drift closed... as she ceased to exist.

Insert Pun on Genetic Mutation Here

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT! IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE!"

"Shirley's at it again," Aster commented, not even looking up from her manga as Ben came screaming past the door, which was slightly ajar.

"When is she not?" Jess mumbled.

Neither Aster nor Marcus, who was performing routine umbrella-maintenance in the corner, paid any attention to the fact that Jess was sitting upside down in an armchair, her head resting on her hands on the floor and her feet in the air – it was getting to be a fairly common sight in the Library Arcanium when she was trying to work something out for her latest novel.

"If you were an Italian gypsy with a motorbike living in France, would you call your daughter Amélie or Roxanne?" she asked.

"Amélie," Aster put in, as Marcus said "Neither."

Suddenly, a terrific sound echoed through the hallways. All three Agents looked up, aghast. It was like rhythmic thunder, pounding through the Library with the force of a storm...

"I'll get the Galaxy!" Jess made a movement towards the gargantuan purple handbag on the floor in front of her for the precious bar of chocolate, but it was too late.

With a crash, Tash kicked the door fully open and stomped into the room.

"Jess, your t-shirt's ridden so far up I can practically see your arse. Marcus, don't you have a report to file?"

"I'm just letting my tattoo..."

"I'll do it in..."

"Never mind! I need one of you to go into The X Files fandom. The computer's picked up..."

"X FILES!" Tash's words were drowned out by Jess giving a shriek and dramatically leaping to her feet.

"...are you sure?" Tash fixed a steely glare on Jess, who was flinging her handbag over her shoulder and attempting to strike a dashing pose (it should be noted that dashing poses only work on people who can see past their fringes). "I know what you used to be like about Mulder, and the threat seems to be coming from one of the earlier X Files seasons. You won't let anything interfere with your work...?"

"Oh, never." Jess put on her most solemn expression. "Besides, I love the X Files canon pairings far too much to mess this one up. So what am I up against?"

"It's too early to be sure, but we have what looks like a Sue-aged girl wandering into an episode about a circus-type thing and a small creature that chews on people..."

The other agents watched in some interest as Jess's mouth closed (a rare occurrence as it was quite unknown for her to ever stop talking) and her face went completely white.

"Not... Humbug?" she squeaked, her voice a good octave and a half higher than usual.

Tash checked a computer printout she held in her hand. "Yes, that's the episode name. Humbug. Apparently a new 'sideshow freak' has popped up who wasn't there before..."

"Oh good god." Jess sank into her armchair, the right way round this time. "That's... that's the Leonard episode."

"The what?" Tash raised her eyebrows. "Look, if you're not up to this..."

"I'm up for it." Jess took a deep breath and sat up straight. "You see, this is the only episode of The X File I've ever been scared of. The monster in it... well..." She gulped. "He's haunted my nightmares for years. But now I have the chance to..."

"No, you're not getting it drunk!" Tash interrupted.

"I wasn't going to suggest that! I was going to say, I finally have the chance to make my peace with it and see it's not really all that scary. And," she stood up again, clutching her handbag like a lifebelt. "I'll take as many invading Sues out as possible while I'm at it."

With a self-possession that was almost frightening to watch, Jess marched from the room, to face her issues (and the possible Mary-Sue) head on.

Tash shook her head. "I give her ten minutes."

-

Agent Dana Scully rolled her eyes. Her partner, Agent Mulder, was getting far too into this case, even though she had a niggling feeling it was supposed to be just a normal, run of the mill paranormal (well, not so normal then) case that could be solved in a couple of days.

People in the small circus town of Gibsonton, Florida, were being subjected to a terrible fate, and the recently-arrived FBI agents were getting no closer to finding out what was going on. Each victim was dying in the same way, with horrible wounds in their sides, all seemingly carried out with the same weapon. Yet there were no other similarities – they were people of all ages, races, religions... there was just no discernible pattern.

Yet somehow, one resident of the town was identifying each victim just hours before they met their maker.
Leonor Chelle Cassidy was fairly unusual, as winter residents of Gibsonton went. She didn't have a beard, she wasn't overtly tall or short, and she couldn't ram nails up her nose... not your average sideshow 'freak'. She stood a few inches above five feet tall with short black hair cut in a sweeping fringe across the side of her face. Despite her somewhat odd attire (for the early nineties, at least) of ripped skinny black jeans and a large Rolling Stones t-shirt, and the studs in her nose and tongue, there was something about her that pulled the residents of the town around her in a protective force. Maybe it was the big, trusting brown eyes and flawless white skin contributing to make her look a lot younger than her twenty two years, but it was certainly making her friends... Agent Mulder among them. He seemed to find her attempts at looking 'tough' somehow endearing.

Leonor claimed to have been cast out from a travelling funfair she had been part of for accurately predicting the demise of its bearded lady. She came to Gibsonton to get away from her 'cursed gift', but it had followed her in a horrible way. Whenever she mentioned this, those big brown eyes filled with tears in a way that had every male within a ten block radius sprinting for the tissues... but there was still something doubtful about her, at least to Agent Scully.

Could this girl have been causing the suspicious deaths? Was she the murderer? The fact that she had accurately told Mulder and Scully the names of the most recent three victims before they'd been found dead was a factor that led Scully to strongly believe the girl had something to do with it. Yet Mulder was convinced she was innocent.

Scully stood outside her trailer, looking over to where Leonor had assembled half of the men of the trailer park around her. From somewhere she had produced a guitar, and was singing in a voice so sweet it grated on Scully's ears. The men seemed happy, though, from the sappy grins on their faces. Seriously, Scully had never seen Mulder look so dippy. All of Scully's years of training were screaming that something wasn't right... but she couldn't for the life of her work out what it was. For goodness' sake, even she was starting to feel a little bit protective for this lonely girl, cast out from her home and so sad, so alone...

"Ugh, definite Sue." Suddenly, Scully realised she was not alone. As if from nowhere, a fairly young woman had materialised next to her. In a panic, she reached for her gun. "Oh, put that away, I'm here to help. I'm Jess. And I'm going to need your help here, so you need this." The girl was rummaging in a large purple handbag. With a flourish, she whipped a small object out, and Scully jumped about three feet into the air as Jess smacked a sticker emblazoned with a large letter 'C' onto her back.

"Oh!" Scully gasped. It was like her vision was clearing... Suddenly Leonor didn't look half so innocent, sitting over there with her little cluster of males.

"Copyright," Jess nodded wisely. "Now she is not meant to be here, and we have to get her out. I've been watching what she's been up to..." Suddenly Jess jumped, as a cat ran out from under the trailer. "Holy shit, I thought that was... never mind. Anyway, point is, she's not the one killing people, she doesn't even have a purpose here. She's turned up to warp The X Files and somehow get herself tangled up with Mulder."

"With Mulder?" Scully raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah, don't ask. Let's just say she's not supposed to do that..." Jess stopped herself from carrying on. After all, Leonor had plonked herself into Series Two of The X Files... Mulder and Scully's relationship wasn't set to develop for a while yet. Though it wouldn't develop at all if she couldn't get Leonor out of the way.

"Right, so what are we supposed to do? I'm meant to be working out this murder case, not sorting out lovesick, guitar playing..."

"Leave her to me," Jess's eyes narrowed. "You do your job, though try and get Mulder away from her as much as possible. I have a hint – you're not supposed to be hanging around here right now. I suggest you go and check out the local jail. There's a guy in there with a conjoined twin problem I think you might want to go and see."

As Scully obediently trotted off, dragging Mulder away from Leonor by the scruff of his neck, Jess sat back to wait until the impromptu concert was over. She hoped it would be soon. She knew that once Scully and Mulder reached the jail and saw Lanny, the man with an undeveloped conjoined twin called Leonard hanging off his side, there was going to be one hell of a chase scene that she didn't want to be in the middle of.

By the way, the murderer was Leonard, the conjoined twin. His brother was dying, and he knew it. In his undeveloped little mind, the only way he could survive was to find a new person whose side he could burrow into. Yes, he could detach himself at will. Yes, he was an exceedingly creepy looking creature, like a deformed baby with huge teeth. Yes, it was him that Jess had feared since watching the episode for the first time when she was thirteen. She had no desire whatsoever to still be around when he started tearing around the trailer park.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go to bed for the night," Jess realised Leonor was saying. "I'll play some more tomorrow..." She started to head back towards her trailer, Jess following a leisurely few paces behind.

Leonor strode confidently into her trailer, flinging her guitar onto the sofa and sighing happily. Suddenly she wheeled around.

"Do you think I didn't know you were following me?" she spat. Jess didn't flinch as the girl's eyes flashed. Not so trusting and innocent any more – more like evil and glittering. Typical Mary-Sue, Jess thought calmly.

"Then you know why I'm here," she said, nonchalantly. "Are you going to come quietly or am I going to have to take you out?"

"Come quietly? I'm not going anywhere with you." Leonor pulled out a small gun from her pocket and swung it around her finger.

"You're going to tase me?" Jess raised her eyebrows in disbelief, recognising the weapon. "Come on, surely you've got something more interesting than that up your sleeve..."

"Oh yes," Leonor nodded.

Aha, Jess thought. Why is it that Sues always have such a desire to show off about their masterplans? Jess reached slowly into her pocket, hoping that Leonor wouldn't see her inching her way forward with her Prohibitor.

"Yes, come close, that'd make it so much easier," Leonor laughed a tinkling laugh. "You see, I've been nosing around this series of The X Files and I've found these useful little implant things... once you're unconscious, I'll insert it into you and you'll be under my control... I knew I'd attract your attention by coming into The X Files, you see I've done my research... You're one of the weaker agents, you're so easy to overcome. I'll be able to cause so much havoc in that Society of yours..."

"I'm sure you will," Jess said nicely.

"Though I'll have to change some things," Leonor ruminated. "I mean, you call yourself a metal fan? Nightwish aren't metal..."

"You what?" Jess leapt back in shock. "Now that's going too far!" In an instant, she'd rammed the Prohibitor back into her pocket and reached into her handbag to pull out her faithful body piercing needle, and with her famous battle cry lunged forward.

Now usually in this kind of situation a Mary-Sue would jump backwards, shrieking "no, no, not my beautiful flawless skin!" However...

Leonor stood her ground.

"Oh come on," she said, sticking out her tongue to reveal the tiny diamond stud. "Do you think I'm going to care about being pierced?"

"Oh." Jess stopped in her tracks. "Bugger."

"And don't you dare even try seducing me, I'm straighter than a metre ruler. I know your tricks, Miss Leather."

"Oh... bollocks." Absently, Jess reached around to scratch her back. "Um..." Instantly, all her Society training seemed to vanish. She'd never come across a Sue who wouldn't flinch away at her needle before, and she didn't have time to plug in her straighteners and cause damage that way.

Suddenly, Jess realised her new tattoo was feeling really itchy. She'd been told not to scratch it, but hey, she was about to be put under the control of a Mary-Sue. Why not go out minus an annoying itch? She gave the bottom left point of the pentagram a quick scratch...

And the trailer exploded.

"What the fuuuuuuck..." Jess yelled as she was catapulted through the air. It was like the ground beneath the trailer and risen up and burst through the walls and floor, sending both Jess and Leonor zooming up through the ceiling. Jess could hear Leonor shrieking somewhere next to her as they both hit the ground with identical thuds.

It was like Jess's wits had been returned to her with the shock of the explosion. She rolled over and bounced onto her feet, pulling out the Prohibitor from her pocket and snapping it onto Leonor's wrist before the stunned Sue could react.

"Yes!" Jess whooped. "You're coming with me, girl!" With a quick snap of the Plothole Generator she wore on a chain around her neck, Jess opened a portal to the Library and dragged Leonor through.

-

"Well done, Jess," Tash patted her on the back as she made sure Leonor was securely sulking in the Basement of the Library. "Quick thinking there."

"But what I want to know," Jess said slowly. "Is why the ground did that kind of erupty thingy? Why did the whole bloody trailer explode?"

"Me and Adrian have a theory," said Tash as the two agents started up the stairs back to the main Library. "You said you had the overwhelming itch on your tattoo? Well isn't the pentagram one of the most powerful magical symbols you can get?"

"Well... yes..."

"And they can be said to represent earth, fire, wind and water controlled by the spirit? Maybe it was something to do with that..."

"You mean I'm actually getting some magical ability?" Jess looked truly shocked. "Bloody hell... Wow. Man, now I need a drink..." She reached for her handbag to find her trusty emergency hip flask. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed.

"What's the matter?"

"When the trailer exploded, my handbag was still in there! I've got to go and get it!"

"Look out for Leonard!" Tash called after her as Jess activated her Plothole Generator.

Jess picked through the remains of Leonor's trailer, desperately searching for her big purple lifeforce. Without that handbag, she was useless. It had everything in it – it had similar properties to the famous carpet bag belonging to Mary Poppins, and contained everything from Nurofen to Galaxy chocolate, along with Jess's much needed supply of sugared almonds and four-colour pens.

"Hey, who are you?" Jess looked up to see Agent Mulder standing over her.

"Oh, hi, I'm just looking for my handbag," she said€, blushing at the sight of the character she had such a big crush on for so many years. "Have you seen it? Purple, leather, rattles a lot..."

"No, I haven't, sorry. Have you seen a small humanoid creature, covered in blood, answers to Leonard?"

"No..." Jess leapt to her feet in fear. "Is he around here? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my good freaking god. Leonard's on the loose and I don't even have my handbag... shiiit..."

"Calm down," Mulder laughed. "We have a theory... you know the geek here?"

"What, Lee's here?" Jess shook her head in surprise at the thought of her friend from Real Life turning up in the X Files fandom. What the hell was going on?

"What?"

"He's the biggest geek in the world, you know, computerish, spends a lot of time listening to podcasts, studies far too hard for his exams..."

"No, not that kind of geek!" Mulder laughed again. "Are you not from around here? We're in a circus town, a geek is a really weird kind of person..."

"Oh, the guy who looks like a walking doodle?" Jess nodded in comprehension.

"Yes, that's the one. Well, he was around the area where Leonard escaped... and he eats anything. And now he's complaining of a stomach ache..."

"I see..." Jess visibly relaxed. "Well, thank god for that... my handbag!" Forgetting Mulder entirely, she flung herself across the wreckage. "Oh and it's not even damaged! Thank god!"

"Bye then..." Mulder waved and started to leave. Jess didn't even notice; she was so pleased to see her handbag again.

As Jess flung it happily over her shoulder to make her way back to the Library, she didn't notice that it was somewhat heavier than usual... or twitching slightly.