Insert Another Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Here

Note: This takes place during multiple places in the timeline. Insert them where they go.


"Okay, how about Gilgamesh?"

"No."

"Um… Crown Clown?"

"Um… No."

"Excalibur?"

"Okay."

"Really?"

"No."

"Fine. What if I bound an Elder God to my will?" Stephen asked, tossing his rather crummy drawing of Excalibur into a messy pile of several dozen others behind him and replacing it with another crummy drawing of himself riding Cthulhu, who was ripping through a Mary Sue. Tash lowered the book she'd been reading to look at him, her jaw dropped.

"Do you seriously expect me to okay that?"

"No, not really. But what if it was a baby Elder God?" Stephen asked, replacing his current picture for a drawing of a tiny Cthulhu in a diaper, with what looked like a leg bone sticking out of his mouth.

"No!"

"Oh, come on! I'm running out of drawings!" Stephen moaned. Tash rolled her eyes and held out her hand.

"Give me your Plothole Generator," She ordered. Confused, Stephen handed his new Generator to her. The Librarian pressed a few buttons on it and handed it back to him.

"There. I've set it to randomize. I'm giving you a week off duty to go find a weapon of some sort. If you ever find anything that you like, contact me and I'll give you the verdict," She told him. Stephen took the Generator and put it back in his pocket. When he did so, Tash noticed the small leather sack hanging from his waist.

"What's that?" She asked him, pointing at it. Stephen took it off and handed it to her.

"It's my Bag O' Doodads," He explained as Tash emptied it. Inside was a white bouncy ball, a few rubber bands, a red Silly Putty egg, three paperclips, a spool of black thread, a small prism, a mini-slinky, a box of chalk, and a laser pointer. She looked up at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Please tell me you didn't get these things from a fandom," She asked him. Stephen shook his head vigorously.

"I didn't! It's just regular stuff that may come in handy!" He swore. Tash held up the egg of Silly Putty, an 'are you serious?' expression on her face.

"You have one week, Stephen. Don't forget to contact us regularly," She said, scooping the odds and ends back into the bag and handing it to him. Stephen took it and turned around to leave. And Tash nearly slammed her head against the desk.

Hanging from Stephen's back was a small green humanoid in a diaper with a dome shaped head and tentacles all around its mouth. It turned its head and gargled at Tash.

"Ste-PHEN!" She screamed as he opened the door.

"I'll put him back! I'll put him back!" Stephen said, waving a hand as he left.

-

Later… Unknown Fandom…

Stephen broke through the Plothole at a run, skidding to a halt as it closed behind him.

"Note… to… self… Kangaskhan… not… that… friendly…" He panted, putting his hands on his knees and drawing in deep breaths. It was day six of his journey through the fandoms, and so far he'd had no luck, even though he'd been through at least two dozen fandoms. Once he caught his breath, he looked at his surroundings.

It seemed to be in the middle of a park, on a path with a bench and a glass telephone box under a streetlight surrounded by bushes and grass. It was the middle of the night, and Stephen could see the lights of the city around the park. He plopped down on the bench, and threw his head back to look at the few faint stars in the night sky.

"Well… Judging by the position of Polaris in relation to the Big Dipper, I'd say that I…" He paused, "Have no idea where I am." He started laughing so hard that he slipped out of his sitting position, and lay down on the bench, continuing to laugh and look at the stars.

Then, something small hit him on the top of the head.

"Gah! What the?" Stephen shouted, falling off the bench and looking towards where the not-very-painful attack had come from. There was only darkness. Stephen started feeling along the ground to find whatever it was that had hit him. Finally, he found it. It was a rectangular piece of plastic, about the size of a credit card, but with no protruding marks on it that Stephen could feel. There may have been a design on it, but it was too dark too make out.

"Weird," He said to himself. Of course, it only got weirder when it started pulling him. He was yanked to his feet, being apparently led by the card straight towards the telephone box. He couldn't let go of the card, and could only utter expletives as he was dragged towards the light.

As the light got closer, his eyes grew bigger.

"Oh. SHIT," He said when he could fully see the card in the light.

It was almost blood red, with six large black letters on it that sent chills down Stephen's spine. Now he knew what fandom he was in, and he knew what was about to happen. The name of the fandom was the same name as the word on the card.

Just six letters.

PSYЯEN.

The door to the phone booth opened, and Stephen tried digging his heels into the ground to stop his progress. He kept on being dragged towards the phone, as if the card was magnetic. Finally, he was in the phone booth, and the door shut behind him. The red card zipped into the calling card slot, and the payphone started to ring. The phone seemed to automatically pick up, and a woman's voice came through.

"Welcome to the Psyren Immigration Services. Please…" After that, the voice started speeding up until it was unintelligible, and the one and two buttons on the phone started pushing themselves in a seemingly random order. Stephen knew what was happening: the phone was automatically answering the seemingly pointless survey the woman was supposed to be giving him. Finally, the woman's voice slowed down, and the buttons stopped pressing themselves.

"Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren?" She asked. Stephen started jamming the two button (for no) repeatedly, but the woman's voice kept on repeating itself.

"Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren?"

"NO! I DON'T QUITE FEEL LIKE IT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Stephen screamed, giving up on pressing the button and starting to shove himself up against the door. It didn't budge.

"Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren? Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren? Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren? Hey, hey, Stephen…" The woman said. Stephen turned around when the voice said his name.

"…Wanna beat Nameless?" The phone asked. It was silent after that. Stephen looked out at the bench where he had been sitting. His Plothole Generator and Communicator had apparently fallen out of his pocket when he had been lying there, and were now in several pieces on the bench. How that had happened just because they fell out of his pocket, Stephen didn't know.

"…Well?" The phone asked again. Stephen pressed the one button. Yes. The Psyren calling card came out of the slot, and Stephen took it with shaking hands.

"Now then…" He turned to look out at the bench again. Not to his surprise, there was someone, or something, standing right outside the door. It was dressed in a silver robe with what seemed to be fur at the neck, and wore a strange bird-like helmet. It was Nemesis Q, the one who summoned the Drifters, like he had just become, to Psyren. Slowly, Q pulled out a silver cell phone and put it to its ear. A quiet ringing sound began. Stephen knew it wasn't from the phone; it was only in his head, and it was calling him to Psyren.

"…Let's begin," Stephen said, and took the payphone from its cradle and put it to his ear.

-

"Your world is now… con-nect-ted," The phone said, and then burst into static. Stephen let it fall to the ground as he looked over the wasteland that was Psyren.

Slowly, he took in a deep breath.

"Well, shit," He said. A small trickle of warm blood started to flow from his nose.

"Well, double shit."

-

Intermission…

Okay, while I'm getting sick and awakening my new psychic powers (I'll explain in a minute, just hold on), let me give you the rundown on this fandom.

Welcome to the world of Psyren. Population: Not too much. Guess who's got two thumbs and just became what's called a Drifter? This guy.

What's a Drifter? Simple. A Drifter is someone from the present day world who is given the red Psyren calling card by Nemesis Q, and are forced to travel between their world and Psyren at Q's whim.

When a Drifter is called to Psyren, they are given a mission: They start out at one phone, and they have to get to another designated phone if they wanna go back to the present until their next calling. No time limit. No rules. Just one piece of advice:

Don't die.

See, Psyren's a weird place. The scenery is basically just sand and craggy rock, with the occasional ruined buildings. There are man-eating creatures called Tavoo roaming around, whose bodies dissolve into dust when they die. The sky is covered by a thin membrane from an asteroid from another dimension, blocking out direct sunlight, the people who breathe the air get psychic powers, and…

Hold on. Gotta go hurl again.

…

GUH. I don't think it's supposed to be yellow. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. The psychic powers.

Well, to cut a long story short:

Breathe Psyren's air.

Get psychic powers.

That's really about it.

Of course, when that happens, you get really, really, really, really sick for a few hours, and then, boom! Psychic powers! Of course, that's what's going on with me right now. It's not really supposed to happen right after taking one breath, but I guess I can just chalk it up to all that inter-fandom travel I've been doing the past few days. I have no clue. Now, let me tell you a little bit more about these powers…

Okay, startin' to get dizzy. Imma pass out right now, if nobody minds. Probably wake up in about a day or so. Nighty-night. Don't let the Tavoo bite.

…Pretty please?

-

Several days later…Insert the events of Insert Jaw-Dropping Reveal Here Here…

Stephen stood on the top of the tallest building he could find and surveyed the landscape. It had been several days since he had arrived in Psyren, and he was trying to get a hold on his new abilities. His clothes were slightly ragged, except for his hat, which was kinda ragged to begin with. Another major factor to consider was that he had not had his ADD medicine in a few days, and was a little bit… hyper. When he was satisfied with what he saw, he started backing away from the edge slowly.

"One small step for Stephen…" He said, and started running to the edge.

"ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND!" He shouted as he leapt off the building, going farther than a normal human should be able to jump. Of course, Stephen isn't exactly a 'normal human' at the moment.

Let me explain.

In this fandom, there are three categories of Psy (Psychic powers).

There's Rise, which is what Stephen's using right now. Rise just increases physical capabilities to superhuman levels, can lower damage taken, and even heal.

Burst is the more classic type of Psy. It includes abilities that alter the world around the user, such as pyrokinesis, telekinesis, and electricity control. It's also the most taxing of the three types of Psy, but Stephen can't use that. Or, if he can use it, he just hasn't figured out how yet. Rise just comes to him easier.

The third is Trance, which includes mind abilities, such as mind reading and mind control. It's also the…

"Dude, nobody's listening to your ranting," Stephen said as he landed on the ground about a hundred yards from where he had jumped. He hit the ground running, fast.

Wait, what? How did you…

"I haven't had my ADD meds in a few days. The Fourth Wall is nothing to me right now."

You're a Self-Insert! You're talking to yourself!

"Hey, I haven't had a good conversation in a while. We both know that volleyball wasn't a very good conversationalist."

That is because you threw him into orbit.

"He was looking at me funny."

He didn't have eyes.

"I know that. That's why I drew some eyes on him before I chucked him. I'm very considerate," Stephen said, making a running jump and going about twenty five feet. He didn't start running again when he landed.

"You don't have to describe everything that's going on, you know. I'm right here," Stephen pointed out.

I'm saying it for the readers, stupid.

"You just called yourself stupid. And if there are readers, they're not exactly being very excited by the story right now. I'M starting to get bored," Stephen complained.

Get bored with this.

The sharp sound of a siren pierced the air. Stephen nearly jumped out of his skin, and started looking at his surroundings as if something would jump out and eat him. It probably would.

"Why didn't you tell me there was a siren tower nearby?" Stephen hissed.

Well, this is what you get for breaking the Fourth Wall so much. Lesson learned?

The siren towers were one of the major dangers in Psyren. They frequently let loose a loud siren, luring unwitting Drifters to their dooms. The towers were patrolled by the deadly Tavoo, and the only way they could be beaten would be through the use of Psy or by exposing them to direct sunlight.

"Fine! Fine! No more conversations with the narrator! That's Tyler's jurisdiction!" Stephen promised, starting to back up towards where he had come from. Then, he bumped into something that hadn't been there a few minutes ago.

Stephen slowly turned around to face his new obstacle. It was a giant, eyeless worm maybe twenty five feet long and about as wide as Stephen, with a dark sphere above its round dagger filled mouth that Stephen recognized as an Illuminas Core, marking it as a Tavoo. Stephen looked at the giant worm for a moment.

And grinned.

"I shall name you… Lowlie," He decided. 'Lowlie' struck out at him. With a small jump, Stephen evaded the attack, letting the worm get a mouthful of rock. It swallowed the snack and turned back to Stephen.

"Okay, there are going to be a few rules in our partnership," Stephen said as he charged at the Tavoo. He dealt it an uppercut, sending both of them air-born.

"Rule number one! I will be wearing the pants in this relationship!" Stephen shouted as he threw a flurry of punches strengthened by Rise. After that, he gripped the worm and threw it to the ground.

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LEGS!" He continued as he landed on the worm feet first.

"Rule number two! You will show me where I can find some food!" Stephen said as he grabbed the worm's tail and started swinging it around. He let go, allowing it to spin through the air.

"Because unlike you, I can only go so far on eating rocks and dirt!" He added when the worm struck a boulder, making a cloud of dust. When the dust cleared, there was a new hole in the boulder that Lowlie would fit in. Stephen started looking around, waiting for it to surface.

"Rule number three!" He shouted when he felt a rumble in the ground beneath him. He leapt straight up just as Lowlie broke through the soil, its mouth open wide. The worm followed him up as far as it could go. When Stephen started descending, and was about to land in Lowlie's mouth, he stuck his legs out, slightly bent, striking opposite sides of the worm's mouth, blocking it and holding him in position.

"Attempts to eat me are frowned upon!" He finished, stretching out his legs and making a new rip in the worm's mouth. It bellowed in pain, and Stephen jumped down to the ground. Lowlie writhed on the ground in front of him, shrieking in pain. Stephen dusted his clothes off and shook his shoes to remove worm saliva.

"Are we understood?" He asked.

Even if Lowlie could have talked, it never got the chance to. Because at that moment, the impossible happened, and the membrane covering the sky vanished, letting in pure sunlight.

Now Lowlie really started screaming. Its body started to dry up and crack, before it dissolved into dust which was blown away by the wind. Stephen looked up at the clear blue sky. It wasn't just one hole in the membrane; the entire membrane was just gone.

"Well, that's not supposed to happen."

-

 Meanwhile… The Library…

At the moment, the Library was in chaos. People were madly searching for the fandom that Stephen had gone missing in; not even the revival of Adrian, the Librarian, disturbed them from their hunt.

Heh heh heh heh. Yeah right. They had completely forgotten about him.

-

Meanwhile…

She had come, and she had brought the sun with her.

Her name was Genevieve Lucifia Sol, Jenny to her friends (and almost everyone she met became her friend), and she was a Drifter whose Burst manifested itself in complete control of sunlight. With her ability, she was able to destroy the membrane blocking out the sunlight, destroying the Tavoo and the fandom's Big Bad, W.I.S.E. She may have specialized in Burst, but she was also fairly proficient in both Rise and Trance, making her one of the most powerful Espers in Psyren. With her abilities, she had become the leader of the human survivors, and led them to build a mighty city out of pure crystal.

She was a Mary Sue.

She was Stephen's ticket out.

-

Stephen stood outside of the Crystal Palace, where Genevieve ruled with a delicate iron fist. Stephen clenched his fists and thrust the doors open.

"This is for you, Lowlie…" He promised. Then he stopped dead when he saw what was inside.

It was a banquet to end all banquets. Food was piled high, and people milled about, talking and laughing. Stephen saw several canon characters, not to his surprise, but his attention was drawn to the large piles of thick, juicy steaks. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that he had only been eating dirt and rocks for the past few days.

"This is also for you, Lowlie…" He said as he approached the steak mountain, his mouth watering.

-

Later…

"Okay, time to get back on track, I guess," Stephen said after he had decimated the banquet's stores of steak, broccoli, and baby potatoes. He walked towards the largest group of people that he could see; knowing the common behavior of Sues, she was most likely to be in the very center of it. He reached into his Bag O' Doodads and pulled out the bouncy ball, the laser pointer, the spool of thread, and the prism. This was the reason he had compiled it; he could use the contents of the bag in very clever ways, if need be. He concealed the bouncy ball in his left hand and prism in his right hand, and used the thread to tie the laser pointer to the underside of his right thumb.

After shouldering his way through the crowd, he got his first glimpse of her.

Everything about her was reminiscent of the sun. Her hair was golden, so bright it seemed to shine, her skin was so pale it reflected the light, and her eyes were so alight with kindness, they seemed to be miniature suns. It was almost hard to look straight at her. He tapped on her shoulder to get her attention.

"'Scuse me, miss. I was wondering if you'd be willing to open a Plothole for a trapped Agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society," He said bluntly. Things got quiet very, very quickly. Genevieve turned to face him.

"…Are you insane, or just stupid?" she asked him. Stephen shrugged.

"Little of column A, little of column B. It sounded like a good idea in my head," he said. Sunlight began to filter into the room unnaturally, gathering around Genevieve like a halo.

"So, is that a no?" Stephen asked. The people around Genevieve started to build up their own Psys; they were all canon characters, and all incredibly strong.

"Okay, plan B," Stephen decided. He cupped his hands in front of him, as if he was caging something in his hands. He pressed the button on the laser pointer hidden in his hands, which shot a beam of red light into the prism, and the little points of light from it started escaping from his hands.

'I feel like I just broke the laws of physics… Oh, well,' He thought to himself. The people around him started looking uneasy; for all they knew, Stephen could have been preparing some incredibly powerful Burst. The light show didn't hurt, either.

Finally, Stephen produced the white bouncy ball from his hands, turning off the laser pointer and stopping the light show.

"Behold my power! Highly compacted Burst energy, just waiting to be released! If I drop this thing, we're all going to hell!" He shouted dramatically. They bought his bluff. Even Genevieve looked like she fell for it.

"Now, I'll ask again: Will you open up a Plothole for me?" Stephen asked Genevieve. She shook her head.

"…Fine," Stephen said, and dropped the ball. People turned tail and scrambled away from the tiny sphere of rubber as fast as they could. Even Genevieve moved away from it.

There was only silence when it bounced off the floor.

Stephen was gone.

Genevieve's face twisted into a scowl, and she screamed in rage before disappearing.

-

Stephen dashed away from the Crystal Palace as fast as he could, reaching impressive speeds thanks to Rise. He was cackling like a madman.

"I can't believe it worked! I can't believe it worked!" He crowed, feeling very proud of himself.

"I'll admit it was clever. I don't plan on falling for it again," Genevieve said. Stephen did a double take; Genevieve, who was incredibly skilled in Rise, had already caught up with him. She was moving at the same pace as he was, and didn't even look like she was going full speed. Stephen started racking his mind to think of how to shake her off. A grin broke across his face.

"Race you to Cape Soya and back!" He called out. Genevieve grinned.

"You're on," She said, and then she was gone. Stephen slowed down to a stop, watching as she raced off to the north. He chuckled.

"Lucky she's hot, cause she ain't too clever."

-

Later…

Genevieve arrived back at the starting point of the 'race' about an hour after she had left, panting for breath. Stephen was sitting on a rock, obviously waiting for her.

"Took you long enough," He said, standing up and brushing himself off. Genevieve scowled at him.

"Are you done playing games, Agent?" She asked venomously. Stephen considered this for a moment, and then shook his head.

"Not really. Like I always say: When the going gets tough…" He reached behind a rock and pulled a long object out, laying it on his shoulder, "…Cheat."

"Is that what I think it is?" Genevieve asked, pointing at the object that Stephen was carrying. He nodded.

"Yep. This is the end point. I doubt it was intended to be used like this, but you get the picture," He said. What he had on his shoulder was a payphone on a thick metal pipe, wires still sticking out of the end of it. The phone itself had been fastened to the cradle with a wad of Silly Putty. Of course, it wasn't just any payphone. It was, as Stephen had said, the end point of this leg of their journey through Psyren. If a Drifter put the phone to their ear, they would be whisked back to the present day world until Nemesis Q called for them again.

"...Wait, how'd you know I was a Drifter?" Genevieve asked, sunlight starting to gather around her.

"I read your character introduction," Stephen said simply, and then leapt at her, the payphone above his head. Genevieve jumped out of the way, but Stephen pulled back his swing and chased after her, another swing prepared.

Genevieve shot a thin beam of sunlight at Stephen, but he lifted his hand with the prism in it. The sunlight refracted into numerous spots of rainbow colored light. Stephen swung the payphone at her, making contact and sending her headlong into a boulder. Stephen shouldered her prone form, knocking the breath out of her lungs. He kept her pinned to the rock while he pulled the phone off its cradle and held it out to her.

"Fo-fo for you!" He said as it pressed to her ear. She vanished. Not wasting a second, Stephen put the phone to his ear as well.

-

It was the middle of the night on the wooded outskirts of the city. Stephen was still holding the payphone-on-a-stick, and he brought it down again on Genevieve, who was trying to run away. She was knocked to the ground, as Stephen used the payphone to keep her down.

"Don't think so!" He said. Genevieve grunted in anger.

"You pathetic human! We may be weaker when not in Psyren, but I can still control sunlight!" She screamed at him. Stephen looked up at the sky.

"It's the middle of the night, stupid," He said flatly. Genevieve howled again.

"So, how about it? If you open up a Plothole for me, I'll let you go, and you'll never see me again. Or, you can be the first Sue to ever get brained by a payphone. Your choice," Stephen said. Genevieve growled at him.

"…Name the fandom," She snarled.

Stephen told her.

Genevieve started laughing.

"Never thought I'd hear an Agent willingly say he wanted to go there!" She laughed, no doubt finding this hilarious. Stephen kicked her in the side.

"Just open the Plothole," He said. Genevieve snapped her fingers and the Plothole appeared in the air in front of them. Giving her one last parting whack with the phone, Stephen walked through the Plothole without looking back.

When he was gone, Genevieve shrugged off the payphone and sat back against a tree. After a moment, someone dangled a can of coffee in front of her face. She looked at the man who was offering it and snatched it from him.

"You have my gratitude, Genevieve," Nameless said, leaning against the tree, his katana at his side. Genevieve opened the can with a click.

"We're even now, Nameless. You saved my life, I helped you with your little pet project," She grunted, taking a sip of the coffee. Nameless smirked.

"Nevertheless, I still owe you a favor. And I always pay back favors," Nameless said, standing up straight and turning his back to Genevieve. She didn't see the hand he had on his sword.

"Yeah? And how are you supposed to pay me back?" She asked, laughing into her can of coffee. Nameless flicked the katana slightly out of its sheath with his thumb.

"With a painless death."

"What –?" Genevieve started to say. Nameless fully unsheathed his sword, spinning around and cutting through her and the tree behind her, returning to his former position. Genevieve Lucifia Sol faded from existence, and Nameless sheathed his katana with a click at the same moment the can of coffee and the tree hit the ground. Nameless opened a Plothole and left, leaving the spilled can on the ground.

-

Several days later… The Library…

With a sight that simply cannot be described without inducing mass vomiting, the Great Persona of Crack, Fred, appeared in the Library Arcanum. When the eight-hundred pound mustachioed man wearing a grass skirt and coconut shell bra touched down in the common room, where Adrian, Tash, Ben, Jared, and Aster (in her manga fort) were relaxing, it registered as an eight-point-oh on the Richter scale, and was mistaken for the Fourth Wall being broken.

"ASTER!" Adrian shouted, not noticing the walking mountain that had appeared behind him.

"Kyaa! Adrian-kun, I'm right here!" Aster moaned, sticking her head out. Then she noticed Fred.

"K-kyaa?" She said, not knowing what to say about him. The other residents of the common room looked at the Persona of Crack. Their reactions were varied.

Ben dropped down to one knee in front of his old mentor, his head bowed. Jared groaned, knowing that he would be called "Whatey" soon. Tash's jaw dropped to the floor. Adrian turned very pale as he recognized the walking tank in front of him. Aster just returned to her reading, after realizing the fat man wasn't getting in the way of her and her manga.

"Ah, the good ol' Library! Just like old times!" Fred said joyfully, stretching his flabby arms. His moustache mimicked his action. When Fred's stretch was done, he turned to the people staring at him.

"Why, hello there, Ben, Whatey, Lady-I-Don't-Know, Other-Lady-I-Don't-Know, and… Well, by Mount Rushmash! Is that you, Adrian?" Fred shouted, plodding up to the Librarian and embracing him in a hug that brought him off the ground. Adrian nearly vanished into one of Fred's many fat rolls.

"Oh, uh… F-Fred, it's, uh, it's been a while…" Adrian said when Fred finally let him go, "You've, uh…" He tried looking for the right word to describe the change that had overcome his old acquaintance.

"You know this guy?" Tash hissed to him.

"Yeah, back when he weighed about six hundred pounds less!" Adrian hissed back.

Fred, who had not heard their conversation, guffawed.

"Oh, you don't have to be shy about it, Adrian. I know, I know…" He struck a 'sexy' pose, the moustache doing the same thing, "I have gotten damn sexy."

Tash threw up a little in her mouth. Jared turned a shade of green and returned to his book. Ben's facial expression couldn't be seen.

"Well, uh, as… nice as it is to see you again, what, uh, what brings you here?" Adrian asked, trying very hard not to be distracted by the way Fred's layers of fat were jiggling. Fred crossed his arms, the moustache reaching down and scratching his uppermost chin. A second later, the moustache snapped it's 'fingers'.

"Uh!" Fred said triumphantly, proud he had remembered. All he received were confused stares.

"Oh, you know, Agent Uh? I met him a few days ago back at my new Mount Rushmash in Twilight. He said he needed me to help him get back here, and I decided to help him, but I, well… forgot about him for a few days," Fred said, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Who's Uh?" Ben asked, looking up. In response, Fred started fishing through his fat rolls, finally pulling out a large clump of mashed potatoes, with…

With a faded orange hat.

-

Later…

"The mashed potatoes… Please, please, no more… No MORE!" Stephen screamed, a look of abject terror on his face as he shot up out of the bed in the Medical wing. The four people at his bedside jumped back in surprise.

"The patient is awake!" Valerie announced. Stephen curled himself up into the fetal position, his eyes wide open and continually muttering something about 'great veins of gravy'.

"You're saying Fred forgot about him for how long?" Michael asked.

"About three days. He said something about an ice cream truck…" Adrian started, but Stephen shot up, stiff as a board.

"ICE CREAM TRUCK!" he screamed, and then fell back down.

"Doo-doo-doo-da-da-doo-dadoo… doo-da-doodooda-doo-da-doo-doo…" he started singing under his breath before sticking his thumb in his mouth.

"We'll ask him about it when he's feeling better. Right now, he needs something to eat that's preferably not mashed potatoes," Valerie decided.

"Agreed," Tash said.

Stephen continued to hum the ice-cream truck jingle with his thumb in his mouth. He soon returned to a comatose state.

-

Several days earlier… Twilight…

It is widely known that the people in the Twilight version of Forks, Washington are about as sharp as hammers. Their truancy officers were practically nonexistent, they didn't notice that some of their students in the high school sparkled, and they paid absolutely no attention to the giant pile of mashed potatoes in the center of town. Bella Swan looked at it, thinking (for one of the first times in her life).

"Eddie? Why is there a giant pile of mashed potatoes in the center of town?" She asked her vampire fairy boyfriend stalker. Edward Cullen, resident douche bag vampire hottie jackass, shrugged.

"Let us ignore it, dearest lamb. Like we ignored the helpless victims of the Volturi, one of whom was likely a philanthropist who gave millions of dollars a year to charity, and is now Volturi pee. Come, let us frolic and touch faces."

And so they did.

Fred, the Great Persona of the Crack genre, sat upon his squishy throne and worked on his tan. He was slowly inflating as he drew in the powers of pure crack that only Twilight could provide. At the foot of Mount Rushmash, a Plothole opened, which Stephen stumbled out of. Fred lowered his mirror screen and looked at the newcomer. The tanning could wait.

"Why, hello, there, child! What's your name?" He asked, standing up and sliding down the mountain. Stephen was speechless.

"Uh…" He said. Fred grabbed his hand and started to shake it vigorously.

"Why, it's a pleasure to meet you, Uh! Now, since you have a name like that, I'm willing to bet you're an Agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Food Source – I mean, Society. Am I right?" He asked. Stephen started shaking his head.

"And I can assume that you're stranded with no way to get back to the Library, and you need someone to help you get there, right? And this somebody is one of the greatest Personae in existence, is shaking your hand right now, and has a name that rhymes with 'head'?" Fred continued, still shaking Stephen's hand.

"That's about it, Fred," Stephen said when his hand was released. Fred broke into a wide smile.

"Well, then, hop aboard, young one! All aboard the Fred Express! Toot toot!" He called, lifting up one of his fat rolls and beckoning Stephen to climb in. Stephen looked at it warily.

"Um, are you sure that's sa –" He started to ask, but Fred got impatient and shoved Stephen inside. Fred let the fat roll fall down, and Stephen's shouts of protest were drowned out.

"Now then…" He said, sitting down and bringing his feet up to his open mouth. Then, he stopped dead when a familiar jingle filled the air.

"ICE CREAM TRUCK!" He shouted, jumping up and bounding after the object of his hunger.

-

Several days later…

Of course, with Fred, when it came to ice cream trucks, you couldn't have just one. Soon after catching the first truck, emptying it, and mentally scarring the driver for the rest of his life, he started chasing another, and another, and another, and another, until he began a day long chase with a truck shaped like a giant hot dog. The chase was put to an end when the truck was run off the road.

The driver hugged the dashboard hula girl close to his body as he felt the ground shake under Fred's feet. The Great Persona of Crack leaned down to look through the window, a large smile on his face.

"Why, hello, Mr. Hot-Dog-Truck-Man! What's your name?" He asked.

"Uh…" The driver tried to say something, but couldn't. Fred looked confused for a moment.

"Uh? Strange… I seem to remember a guy named Uh… What happened to…?" He paused as realization dawned on his face.

"Oh. Crap," He said, then sat down, put his feet in his mouth, and ate himself. The driver sat there for a few minutes before finally passing out.

-

Several days later…

"Subject has been comatose for a total of three days so far… Am using a remedy suggested by Ben to rouse the patient," Valerie said from inside her hazmat suit. She pulled out a dropper with some strange liquid inside and hung it over Stephen's open mouth.

"Applying one drop of concentrated Firebrand Whiskey essence…" Valerie announced to the leaders watching from a safe distance. Valerie carefully squeezed the dropper, letting one drop fall into Stephen's mouth. The effects were almost instantaneous. Stephen's eyes sprang open and he shot out of bed, running circles around the room at breakneck speeds, screaming unintelligibly before finally crashing in a heap at the feet of the leaders.

"Gnguuhh…" He groaned, looking up at Adrian, Tash, Hati, and Michael. He paused when he saw Adrian.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked, too tired to be polite.

"Polite kid, isn't he?" Adrian said sarcastically.

"How long have I been out? What did I miss? Who is this guy?" Stephen asked, forcing himself up on his elbows.

"You missed a lot. Where were you?" Hati asked, helping Stephen up to his feet.

"Long story. I was in a fandom called…" Stephen froze, staring at a patch of empty space as if there was someone there.

"Stephen?" Michael asked.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," Stephen groaned, fishing through his pockets. He pulled out a red piece of rectangular plastic and looked at the back of it. He put it back in his pocket before the others could get a good look at it.

"Sorry, but I can't tell you where I was," He finally said, still staring at the same spot. The others followed his gaze, but they couldn't see anything. Valerie, however, could see a faint silvery blur, but couldn't make out any details.

"What? Why not?" Tash asked.

"In the words of a so-called 'moe' time traveler," He made air quotes around the word moe, "Classified information. Now then…"

He clapped his hands together and turned to face Adrian.

"I still don't know who you are."

Insert Reincartnated Evil Here

Production at any price
Admiration of those who earn
With blood on their hands
We will never learn
A gift of today's world
Heroes to us!
-Kalmah, Heroes To Us





-

Soma Cruz panted for air as he leaned against the doorway, staring up at the malicious blood red moon in the dark night sky. Bats flitted back and forth through the air, sending flickering shadows across Soma's face. The moon seemed so close Soma half believed he could reach out and touch it. Turning his gaze away from the moon, he stared up the crumbling stone staircase that led up to the throne room of Dracula's castle. The throne room itself was located in a high tower that stood separate from the rest of the castle. A long set of stairs reached from the castles top floor, over a grassy, statue filled courtyard several hundred feet below to the spire where the throne room lay. The stairs had most likely been ivory once, but centuries of wear and weathering had turned them an aged yellow color.

Soma sucked in a deep gulp of air and straightened up. He had fought his way through the castle for hours, cutting down hordes of demons that stood in his path. His long white overcoat was covered with dust and stained with blood of various hues, some of it his, most of it his enemies. It hadn't been easy, but he'd finally reached the top floor of the castle. All he had to do now was defeat the insane missionary Grahmn and he, Mina and everyone else trapped in the castle could go home. Rested, Soma adjusted the oversized Claimh Solais sword on his back and started up the staircase, his eyes fixed on the door at the top.

Before he was even half-way up the stairs though, there was a bright flash of rainbow-colored energy right in front of his face. Startled, Soma stumbled and nearly fell backwards down the staircase. By the time he'd recovered and blinked the stars from his eyes, the light was gone and there was a boy his age dressed in a blue tunic and holding a large red book in one hand standing a few stairs above him, looking around almost appraisingly. When he noticed Soma he blinked, as if just now seeing him.

"Oh, hey." He said casually. "What's up?"

Soma blinked, unsure what to think of this nonchalant newcomer. "Who're you?" He asked suspiciously, his had creeping towards Claimh Solais' handle.

"Who? Me?" The stranger grinned, looking up from the open book he was now flipping through. "I'm Matthew. Matthew Slaymaker. Hey, could you do me a favor and hold still for a minute?"

Before Soma could respond, the stranger slammed the open book into his chest, knocking Soma backwards and sending him tumbling down the stairs, knocking crumbling bits of stone off to plummet to the ground far below as he fell. Soma groaned in pain as he came to rest at the bottom of the staircase and got slowly to his feet. His white overcoat had gained a fresh layer (oayer) of dust, and his newly collected array of bruises were doing their best to impede his progress.

Matthew sauntered down the stairs slowly, his eyes fixed on The Book of Prophecy, doodling in it with a quill pen. "Very interesting..." He said slowly. "The Power of Dominance, is it?"

Gritting his teeth against the bruises, Soma charged back up the stairs, Claimh Solais drawn and ready to strike.

"And what's this called?" Matthew asked, still not looking up. "The Claim Soles?" He flicked his wrist and instantly an identical twin to the diamond sword in Soma's hand appeared in his.

Soma's eyes widened with shock as sparks flew when the two sparkling blades met in mid-swing and gasped in pain as Matthew sent him tumbling back down the stairs with a shove.

This time Soma managed to halt his fall before he reached the bottom of the stairs. Tears of pain were gathering in the corner of his eyes as he stood. His bruises were screaming at him, but he still had plenty of fight left in him.

"Legion!" he barked, raising a hand and three tentacle-like appendages sprouted from his back, each firing a beam of blue energy at Matthew.

Matthew didn't even blink. "Chronomage," he responded smugly, waving his wrist lazily.

Instantly, the color spectrum inverted and time stood still. Frozen in place, Soma could only watch in horror as Matthew strolled towards him, twirling his version of Claimh Solais, the sparkling diamond blade reflecting the light of the red full moon evilly.

What's going on? Soma throught desperately. There was only one Chronomage in the castle and I absorbed its soul! I thought I was the only one with The Power of Dominance! Just who is this guy?

Matthew stopped not two feet in front of Soma and shrugged apologetically. "Sorry," he said, pulling back with the Claimh Solais like a baseball bat. "But I can't have you getting in the way around here. Fore!"

With that he swung Claimh Solais as hard as he could. Soma screamed and blood sprayed from his body as he died and Lily let out an outraged gasp sighed as the "Game Over" screen showed it's mocking face once again. She shot to her feet and stalked out of her room, DS still in her hands.

-

Lily had gained a reputation as quite a gamer over the past few weeks, something that had come by quite by accident.

Two weeks ago she stood in the one of the Library's many training room, staring dejectedly at a training dummy several feet away, covered in rips and scorch marks inflicted on it by her Pin's Psychs. She had started this training regimin in the hopes that it would prepare her for her next conflict with Matthew Slaymaker. She had even attatched a dummy 'Book' to the dummies hand and spent several hours practicing shooting the book out of the dummies hand. But it was one thing to shoot at an immobile target and yet another to hit one that was constantly in motion, and she doubted she'd be able to convince Matthew to stand still and let her hit him for anything.

She sighing, she decided to take a break and go find Charis and Karissa. Normally, she would have sought Ben out for companionship first, but Ben was still trapped on cleaning duty as punishment for his recent rampage in Metalocalypse.

Hey, Charis," Lily said, opening the door to her lab. "What's-AAH!" Lily ducked just in time to avoid a miniature missile that screeched over her head to impact on the wall behind her, creating a small crater.

"Forward, men!" General Idea shouted from atop a filing cabinet upon which several mortars and rocket launchers were being manned. "We must crush the communist spies once and for all if we are to acheive victory in this war!"

"JARED!" Charis screamed from where she was hiding behind her overturned desk. "Get these things away from me!" The desk was covered in burns and scorch marks from where several advancing toy tanks had fired on it.

Just then, the LPGB's unmanned Predator drone whined into the room, fully armed and making a beeline for the desk Charis was taking shelter behind. Without hesitation, Lily raised her hand and was preparing to shoot the drone out of the sky with Excalibur, when it suddenly veered off-course and crashed into the wall as the rest of the LPGB collapsed where they stood.

A second later, a harried-looking Jared scurried into the room and hurriedly started scooping up handfulls of deactivated army men.

"You idiot!" Charis raged, standing up from behind her overturned desk in order to better berate Jared.

"Sorry, sorry!" Jared winced, scuttling around the room, avoiding eye contact with his fellow techie.

"That's the third time this week!" Charis shouted, turning her desk right side up. "If this happens again, I'm going to melt all of them down and force-feed you the result!"

Jared was bending over and trying to pick up the Predator drone without dropping any of his soldiers. He wasn't having much luck.

Charis sighed and turned to Lily once Jared had retreated back to the safety of his own lab. "Sorry about that." She winced. "Did you need something?"

Lily shrugged. "I was just wondering if you were free and wanted to hang out."

"Oh, I would trust me," Charis said, bending over to pick up the objects that had been knocked off the desk when it tipped over. "But I was working on a project even before I was engaged by the idiot brigade." She straightened up and looked around her trashed lab. "Despite everything they managed to mess up, it doesn't look like they really broke anything, so I should be able to salvage almost everything. So, no, sorry." She gave Lily an apologetic grin.

"Oh, well do you know where Karissa is, then?"

Charis shook her head. "I actually haven't seen her for a while either."

"Oh, well, thanks anyway. I'll let you get back to your work!"

"See ya!"

Lily sighed as she closed the door to Charis's lab. So Charis was busy and Karissa was MIA. Mabye Ben had managed to get off work early somehow.

When she found him, Ben was in a foul mood. It wasn't leftover resentment at Justin Cloudbreeze for screwing with his favorite band, no, sticking him in a room with Shirley was just about the worst fate imaginable and it easily quenched his thirst for vengeance.

It wasn't anger at Michael for Blacklisting Metalocalypse either. Ben's hero worship of Dethklok ran so deep, he considered himself unworthy to even set foot in the fandom, so he never visited that world either.

Neither was it the fact that he'd been sentenced to cleaning duty as punishment for his rampage. Ben got into trouble so frequently he was almost constantly on cleaning duty, so he was used to it by now. In fact, Ben had gotten so good at cleaning, that most people considered him the semi-official Library Janitor. No, what pissed Ben off was the fact that Michael ordered him to wear a frilly pink apron while he worked.

"W-w-w-WHAT?" Ben had spluttered on hearing this and seeing the apron. "Why?"

"Because," Michael had replied calmly. "Given the amount of trouble you get into, it seems the usual punishment isn't enough of a deterrent for you to learn to discipline yourself. Mabye this will get the message through your thick head."

So over the next several weeks a glowering Ben stalking around the Library pushing a mop became a common sight. It also became apparent that he was in no mood for jokes either when Tyler was seen fleeing down the hallway with nuclear fire consuming the seat of his pants. Anyone who inadvertently caused a mess could usually count on wringing coffee out of their clothes for a while.

Ben was in a foul a mood as usual when Lily found him, but when he saw her, his scowl morphed into a smile and he reached up to pull his headphones off. The headphones were just one of the little things Ben did that never failed to reassure Lily about how he felt about her. He normally never removed them for anyone, and would only turn them down if a Leader was speaking, but only for Lily would he take them off completely.

"Hey," he said, glad for a distraction. "What's up?"

"Well, I was going to ask you if you were still busy but I guess I just got my answer."

Ben grimaced. "Yeah, I've still got to finish mopping this hallway and the cross-hallway, and then Michael wants me to wax it too. Sorry I can't hang out with you. Why don't you go find Charis or Karissa?"

"Charis is busy, I can't find Karissa at the moment and I've trained all I care to."

 "Bored, huh?"

Lily shrugged. "Don't mind me. I'm sure I'll find something to do."

"Well, why don't you try this?" Ben asked, pulling his DS out of a pocket and handing it to her. "That should keep you entertained for a bit."

"You sure?" Lily asked, flipping the device open. Ben shrugged and gestured at his mop and bucket. "Hey, I'm too busy with this to play any games anyway. I've got more games in my room if you don't like that one. You know where they are, right?"

Lily nodded, and slipped the DS into her own pocket. "OK, thanks, Ben."

"No problem!" Ben said, slipping his headphones back on and muttering along with the song under his breath as Lily walked off.

Lily took to video games like a duck to water, quickly blowing through Ben's library of DS games before starting on his older Game Boy Advanced collection. She had nearly finished Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow when Matthew invaded the fandom and interrupted her play-though.

Soon, she was standing in Michael's office, explaining the situation to the situation to the Leader.

"So Slaymaker popped up again, did he?" Michael asked, leaning back in his office chair.

Lily nodded. "He's still got the Book of Prophecy and he's killed Soma Cruz, the game's protagonist and stole his powers."

"He killed a canon character?" Michael frowned. "You'd better get him out of there right away. What's Aria of Sorrow about, anyway?"

"From what I've heard the Castlevania games revolve around the centuries-old conflict between Dracula, and the vampire-hunting Belmont family."

"From what you've heard?" Michael asked.

Lily shrugged. "Apparently the Sorrow games break the usual tradition, since the hero is a high school student named Soma Cruz. Also the game takes place in the near future, as opposed to the past, decades after Dracula's final destruction."

"OK, so what's it about?"

"When Soma and one of his friends go to watch a solar eclipse, they get sucked into the eclipse itself, where Dracula's castle had been sealed. Only there he finds out that he not only has the ability to absorb the souls of the monsters he kills and can use them for his own, but that he is Dracula reincarnated."

Michael raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"According to canon, he was supposed to nearly become Dracula himself, but avoided fate with the help of his friends."

"Sounds dangerous."

"The fandom is just this side of the Blacklist," Lily admitted.

Michael frowned. "You'd better take Ben with you then."

Lily shook her head. "I'm not a Rookie anymore, Michael. I can take care of myself." She didn't want to tell Michael the real reason she didn't want to go with Ben.

Michael considered it for a long second before nodding. "Be careful."

-

Lily jammed her Plothole Generator into a pocket and looked around. She was standing in a dark granite hallway, filled with demonic, ominous statuary. Apparently she was on the top floor of Dracula's castle, one of the game's final areas. She pulled Ben's black DS out of her pocket and flipped it open, using the in-game map to figure out her exact location before starting down the hall.

Her footsteps resounded loudly in the empty hall, providing an appropriately ominous counterpoint to the flickering shadows cast by the pale blue flames burning in the wall-mounted braziers periodically placed on the walls.

Lily frowned as she ascended a staircase made of the same dark stone as the rest of the hallways. Something was wrong. According to the map she was already halfway through the area, but she had yet to encounter a single demon, monster or an enemy of any sort. The Top Floor area should have been swarming with some of the strongest enemies in the game, but she had yet to encounter a single opponent. She was getting nervous.

Suddenly, something clattered behind Lily and she whirled, hands raised, Pins at the ready, prepared to annihilate whatever was sneaking up behind her.

There was nothing there. She turned slowly, surveying her surroundings. It had been easier in the game when she could actually see her enemies. Whatever was going on there, it was creeping her out and she wanted to finish this mission as soon as possible. She continued her journey warily, keeping a weather eye on the shadows.

Finally, she spotted the glow of moonlight coming from a bend ahead and when she turned the corner she found herself standing at the foot of the stairs Matthew had killed Soma on. At the top of the staircase was the engraved blue door leading to the castle throne room, and most likely, Matthew.

Giving one last wary glance behind her into the castle's gloom, Lily started up the stairs tentatively, her white sneakers blending in with the colorless stone stairs. She wouldn't put it past Matthew to try the same trick he had with Soma and pick her off while she was exposed like this.

Surprisingly, Lily reached the top of the stairs unmolested. The enchanted blue door stood before her, pulsing gently with magic. These specific doors were used in the game to indicate a boss battle area. Lily guessed that Matthew's leaving it up like this was his way of making a joke. Reaching out, she gently pressed a hand against the barrier and it rose with a rumble.

The throne room lay on the other side of the barrier. The floor was covered in blood flowing from the eyes of a giant bust of the Virgin Mary that stood behind the throne at the top of a dais. Marble pillars lined the walls, bearing tattered curtains that stirred deadly despite the fact that there was no wind in the room.

Matthew lay sprawled casually across the throne, one leg hanging over the throne's arm, flipping through the Book of Prophecy idly. He looked up as Lily entered and sighed in exasperation. "You again?"

"Matthew Slaymaker," Lily began formally. "You are hereby charged with two counts of Fandom mutilation, the murder of a canon-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Matthew waved a hand dismissively. "Let's just get this over with." He said, standing from the throne.

Lily took the opportunity to assess her opponent. Matthew wore what appeared to be a miniature version of the black and blood-red armor worn by the giant Shadow Knight demons and if the way the armor bulged was any indication, Matthew had bulked up, most likely by using the Book of Prophecy to graft the strength of a high-level demon into his body, probably a Red Minotaur. He still had Claimh Solais slung over his back, dangling in between two spiny, bat-like wings that Lily guessed he'd stolen from a Demon Lord. His fingernails had grown and sharpened as well, and had a purple tint that suggested they were a Skull Millione's and thus, poisoned.

"Looks to me like someone's over-compensating," Lily said, running a critical eye over Matthew.

"Starting the smack-talk early, are we?" Matthew raised an eyebrow, amused. "Guess you don't like wasting time, do you?"

Lily shrugged. "Not really, and that's why I'm prepared to offer you the same deal as before. Surrender now, and I'll see what I can do about getting you an early parole."

Matthew just shook his head in disgust. "You Society Agents," he said. "Always running around, acting too high and mighty. Who gave you the right to burst in and screw with our lives, huh?"

Lily started to reply, but Matthew cut her off with a wave of his hand. "I'm not in the mood to get a lecture on morals from a traitor. So are we going to do this or not?" he (He) asked, closing the Book of Prophecy and standing from the throne.

"If you insist," Lily sighed. "It would be a lot easier on you if you'd just surrender the Book of Prophecy and turn yourself in."

"As if I'd do that," Matthew snorted. "I've got big plans for this baby!"

"Such as?"

"Oh, you'll see," Matthew smirked. "Providing you survive! Beam Skeleton!" With that, Matthew thrust a palm forward, a beam of bright blue energy surging forth.

Excalibur!" Lily cried, countering with a blast of lightning from her own hand. The two energy streams crackled and sparked as they collided and canceled each other out.

Matthew pulled Chlaim Solais from it's place on it's back and sprang from the throne at in human speed. Lily responded instantly, triggering her Top Gear and Ice Blow simultaneously. In a flash, she teleported several feet to the side and a giant shard of ice several feet tall sprouted from the ground where she'd stood an instant before, angled perfectly to impale Matthew mid-charge. With a contemptuous sneer, Matthew swung Clhaim Solias with ease and shattered the icicle into millions of shining fragments.

Before Lily could respond, he half-turned and used one of his bat-like wings to clobber her to the ground. Lily hit the ground so hard she actually bounced once, earning a gasp of pain as she slammed into stone, the blood on the floor staining her clothes. Even stunned, Lily retained the presence of mind to roll out of the way as quickly as possible and not a moment too soon, as a boulder smashed into the ground where she had lain only seconds before and shattered into fragments.

Lily was covered in blood as she rolled to her feet, but she ignored it, shouting "Live Slow, Die Fast!" and making a throwing motion with her hand. In response, one of the limp, stained curtains ripped from its bracket and entangled itself around Matthew, snagging on his claws and tangling around his wings.

As Matthew stumbled around trying to free himself from the enveloping fabric, Lily took several steps back and raised both her hands high above her head, the purple Wild Line pin on her wrist glowing as it charged. "Wild Line!" Lily shouted, swinging the giant glowing sword down with all her might. At that same instant, the diamond blade of Chlaim Solais tore through the curtain trapping Matthew and shot up the block the blade. The sword exploded into motes of light and Matthew slashed through the rest of the entrapping curtain and was free in an instant.

"Skull Millone!" He spat and the indigo claws sprouting from his fingertips extended even farther outward, giving the resulting swipe a surprising range. Lily saw the blow coming though and the puff of air generated from Top Gear's Psych activating was dispelled from the slipstream of Matthew's extended blow.

There was a rustle of fabric not two feet to his left which gave Matthew just enough of a warning to open his mouth in time. "Buer!" he roared at the same time she shouted. "Excalibur!" A cloak of fire surrounded Matthew just before the lightning bolt struck it and was carried away. Lily was forced back from the heat, using a hand to shield her face from the blazing barrier Matthew had enveloped himself in. Within the raging inferno, Matthew smirked.

Got her.

The ringing in Lily's ears from Matthew's activation of the Buer Soul ended just in time for Lily to hear the words "Bomber Armor!" and the hand she held up lowered just in time for her to see the large black round explosive flying towards her. Her eyes widened in shock, then slammed shut again as the resulting explosion blew her clear across the room, through the door and back out onto the stairs.

Lily flailed around wildly, trying to find something to grab onto to halt her tumble down the stairs, but all she got was a numb, bleeding arm when her elbow connected painfully with the stone edge of the stairs. She got to her feet slowly, her battered body screaming at her, but she gritted her teeth and shook the stars from her vision just in time to see Matthew floating in the air several yards up the stairs, the Demon Lord wings on his back beating gently. "I've gotta say," Matthew smirked. "It's been real, but to be honest, you're starting to get on my nerves." He raised a palm. "So, not only will I have the Book of Prophecy, but I'll be the executioner of one of the most heinous traitors the Sues have ever known." His smirk changed into an evil grin. "This is gonna be an honor."

Lily's eyes widened.

"RED MINOTAUR!" Matthew roared and instantly, an obscenely large battle-axe appeared in his hand. Despite having grafted incredible strength into his muscles with the Book of Prophecy, not even Matthew could control such a gargantuan weapon with just one hand. Fortunately, he didn't need to as gravity did all the work for him. Still half-stunned from her tumble down the stairs, Lily could only watch in horror as the giant axe descended relentlessly towards her. It fell slowly at first, but picked up speed until it raced at her, growing so large it consumed Lily's entire field of vision.

Forgetting she was standing on a staircase, Lily stepped backwards reflexively, stumbled when she discovered there was nothing directly behind her to support her weight, and fell. The axe roared past, barely missing cutting Lily's foot off at the ankle and crushed straight through the staircase instead. It was too much for the decrepit stone staircase to handle, and it crumbled under the trauma, dropping Matthew and Lily towards the ground several hundred feet below. Matthew snapped his bat-like wings out to their full extension and his fall stopped immediately, leaving Lily to plummet to the earth alone.

Matthew's smirk had been disturbed by his short-lived impromptu sky-diving lesson, replaced by a wide-eyed look of shock, but it reasserted its position on his face as he watched Lily's tumble. He was looking forward to seeing her splatter. Just before Lily reached the ground though, she vanished from sight.

Matthew's smirk morphed into a scowl. That teleporting ability of hers was starting to get on his nerves.

-

Ben grimaced and shook his hand to work the writers cramp out. He'd had more time to work on his project that he'd thought. He had hated having to send Lily off on a misson alone, but if if the project panned out, the nobody would have to go on a solo mission ever again. He pulled out his Communicator and turned it on. "Hey, Michael? You there?" There was no response for a moment before the Head Agent's face came on-screen. "What do you want, Ben?" Michael's voice sounded just a tad irritated. "I'm busy."

"Can you meet me in your office in five minutes? It's important ."

Michael sighed. "It better be," he said, before breaking the connection.

Michael's shortness didn't faze Ben one bit. He couldn't really blame Michael, given all the trouble he'd caused, Reaching out, he gathered up the scribble-covered papers strewn across his desk and collected them into a folder.

Michael looked up from a stack of paperwork on his desk when Ben walked in. "We have over 30 Agents currently on active duty and apparently I'm the only one capable or required to do paperwork," he said with a sigh, dropping his pen and shoving a dangerously high stack of paper aside. "Have a seat. You said it was important?"

"I've got an idea." Ben said, sitting. Michael groaned. "Ben, no! Have you forgotten what happened the last time you got an 'idea'?"

"Hey!" Ben protested. "The blood stains came out, didn't they?"

"Yeah, along with about a gallon of gasoline."

"Well this doesn't involve any gasoline." Ben said, opening the folder and flipping through it. "Tell me," he said. "What is the one thing the majority of the Society has in common?"

"We're all insane?"

"I said majority, not everybody." Ben chuckled. "No, what I was thinking of was the fact that over-half the Society are self-inserts, and thus, Authors."

"So?" Michael frowned.

"So, the fact that the Sues sorely outnumber us has always been the biggest obstacle standing between us and victory."

"Well, there's not really much we can do about that, is there?"

"More than you'd think," Ben said, selecting a few sheets of paper from the folder and sliding it across the table.

Frowning, Michael picked them up and started reading. "You've created a character," he said at last.

Ben nodded. "His name is Avak."

"I still don't get what you're getting at."

"Think about it!" Ben urged. "As Authors we have the power to create! Why not create more characters to boost our numbers and give us an edge?"

"But we can't just churn out characters like an assembly line!" Michael protested. "And what makes you think this will even work? "

"I developed Avak as a test case, a prototype, so to speak," Ben replied. "You can watch and evaluate him for a while, and if you decide he isn't worth the effort, we can always scrap the project and I'll find another use for him in one of my own fics. I already talked it over with Avak in my Imagination. I told him if he didn't want to become an Agent, then he could become a character in some of my original fiction where I guaranteed him a happy ending.

"What if they go Sue?" Michael asked. "I mean, there's no way for you to guarantee that won't happen."

"Actually, there is." Ben said smugly. "After Avak agreed to become an Agent, I took him to the Hall of Personae so the Great Personae could screen him and filter out any overly Stuish traits."

Michael leaned back in his chair, pondering Ben's proposal for a long moment.

"You said this Avak is just a test case?" He asked at last. Ben nodded.

"All right." Michael sighed. "I'll squeeze him into the next testing session, but you're going to take full responsibility for his actions. If he snaps and ends up going Stu, I'm going to hold you accountable."

Ben nodded. "Understood."

-

Matthew sat crouched on a ledge jutting out from the castle walls, high above the courtyard down below, scanning the ground for Lily. His irises had turned red as a result of his using the Book of Prophecy to give himself the eyes of a Peeing Eye demon.

He shifted slightly on his perch, stretching his bat-like wings to work the kinks out of the joints. He had sat nearly motionless for several minutes, waiting for Lily to emerge from her hiding place. He considered bombarding the area with a salvo of Bomber Armor explosives in an attempt to smoke Lily out, but decided against it. If it didn't work, all it would do was drive Lily even deeper into hiding.

For all he knew, she'd already retreated from the fandom entirely to lick her wounds and prepare for a second attempt later. If that was the case, he may as well leave now. He'd already gotten what he'd came for, and there was no reason to give Lily an edge by remaining where she could easily find him.

Standing, Matthew spread his wings and prepared to fly off when movement on the ground caught his eye. Lily had emerged from her hiding spot and stood in the middle of the open courtyard, apparently fiddling with her communicator. Matthew frowned and dropped back into a crouch.

What was she doing? Bad reception? Either way, Matthew wasn't about to allow a golden opportunity like this to pass by. Lily was completely exposed and apparently defenseless. From this heigth, he could swoop down and kill her in a single blow before she knew what hit her.

He stood, spreading his wings and drawing his sword silently, although at this distance it was unlikely Lily could hear him anyway. Flexing his grip on Chlaim Solais' handle, Matthew bent his legs and sprang into the air, beating his wings once to gain some height, then folding his wings flat against his body as he plummeted towards the ground.

Lily was still preoccupied with her communicator, shaking it and holding it up to her ear, completely oblivious to his approach. A mad light grew in Matthew's eyes and an insane giggle was welling up in his throat. He was less than 30 feet above her now. He pulled his sword back and swung (swing) with all his considerable strength, intending to separate Lily's head from her shoulders when she vanished into thin air. Surprised and thrown off-balance, Matthew had no time to halt his descent and crashed head-long into the ground. The bone-crushing impact would have killed anyone else, but since Matthew was a Stu, he was merely stunned.

Lily's trap had worked perfectly, Wild Line's charging period ending just as she activated Top Gear, teleporting several feet into the air as Matthew crashed to the ground. The giant energy blade flared to life and Lily wrapped her hands around the handle as she descended, using the momentum of her downward fall in addition to put even more force behind the blow. Suddenly, a figure appeared from nowhere, grabbed the Wild Line blade, and with an effortless swing, sent Lily flying. She crashed into one of the courtyard's numerous statuary, the Wild Line blade fizzed into nothingness. Sparks lit up behind her eyelids as the back of her head struck stone and everything went black.

-

Valerie's workload had been considerably lighter over the past several days, mostly because Ben had been too busy with cleaning duty to raise Shirley's ire. Since she no longer had to drop everything every 15 minutes in order to deal with various puncture wounds or stuff Ben's intestines back into his body, she had the opportunity to finish other projects she'd had sitting on the back burner for what felt like forever.

Having finished most of her usual duties, she picked up Seiryu off her desk and started for the door, intending to get some practice down at the Archery range when it opened and Ben walked in. Valerie sighed and set Seiryu down, reaching for the bandages she always kept close at hand for Shirley-related injuries.

"Just have a seat on the bed," she said in a semi-tired voice. "Where'd she get you this time?"

"I'm actually not here about an injury for once." Ben laughed.

Valerie frowned. "Oh?" This was unusual.

Reaching into a folder he carried under his arm, Ben handed her a sheet of paper.

"Project Warpath?" Valerie asked. "What's that?"

"Read it," Ben replied, leaning against the steel frame of one of the beds as the healer read the document.

"OK, so basically you're creating a super-soldier project," Valerie said at last.

"Well, not exactly "Super", but that's the gist of it. With this, we'll be able to create our own foot soldiers."

"OK, so what are you talking to me for? This is something you should talk to Michael about, not me."

"I already ran it past Michael," Ben said, pushing his glasses up. "And he gave the the go ahead to create a single test subject."

Valerie raised an eyebrow.

"Come on in!" Ben called. "This is Avak," He explained as Avak walked in. "He's the first of the soldiers I've created."

Valerie took the opportunity to look Avak over as Ben continued. Avak was shorter than Ben, and appeared to be about a year younger. He had a broad, stocky form that, while not exactly muscular, definately suggested the potential for strength. His eyes were the same color as his messy brown hair. Valerie didn't need to be an empath to tell he was nervous, the way he kept shifting his weight from one foot to the other and looking anywhere but at her was a dead giveaway.

"It's nice to meet you, Avak," Valerie said gently, trying to soothe him, reaching out her hand.

"Nice to meet you too," Avak replied shyly, shaking her hand in a calloused, yet firm grip that bespoke the strength of his arms. His voice held only the slightest hint of an accent.

"This is Avak's base," Ben explained, handing Valerie the folder he was carrying. "How I created him and everything about him are in there."

Valerie hefted the folder. It was surprisingly light "

Ben streched. "Well, I better get going."

Avak's eyes widened in alarm. "You're leaving?"

"Don't worry," Ben chuckled. "She won't bite. I promise. See ya!"

Avak stared plaintively at the door for several seconds after Ben had left before turning back to Valerie, his face pale.

Something wasn't adding up, Valerie could tell. If Avak was supposed to be a super soldier of sorts, why was he so easily intimidated?

Moving slowly and deliberately, so as not to alarm the already frightened teen, Valerie sat down in her chair, putting Avak's folder on her desk, leaving it unopened. She had a feeling she'd learn more about Avak from himself than from his base story.

Avak himself was still standing, looking distinctly uncomfortable. Valerie gestured to a near-by chair. "Would you like to sit down?" she asked gently.

Avak's eyes widened in mild alarm, darting from Valerie to the chair as if gauging the possibility that her offer was a trap. Then he realized his own hesitation and sat down rapidly, blushing with embarrasment and glancing furtively at Valerie then looking away.

Valerie smiled kindly but her mind was working overtime. The only reason she could think of as to why Avak was acting like this was because of something in his past, either abuse or abandonment issues. The problem with that was that both of those pasts had Stu-ish connotations to them. It didn't make any sense, Ben had developed Avak specifically as an anti-Sue weapon, so why was he acting this way?

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself, Avak?" Valerie asked gently.

Avak nearly jumped. "W-what do you mean?" he asked hesitantly.

"Well, why don't you tell me about your background?"

"Background?"

"Yeah. Like, what did you do before Ben asked you to join the Society. You know, your past?"

Avak bit his lip. "Um... I don't think I have one..."

Valerie's eyes widened. "What?"

"I said I don't have a past," Avak repeated slowly obviously afraid he'd done something wrong.

Valerie frowned. "So... you have amnesia?"

Avak shook his head. "I don't think so... I just don't remember anything up until about ten minutes ago."

Ben created a character with no past? Why on earth would he do that, Valerie wondered. It could just be because he was trying to avoid Stu-ism, but this was taking it to an extreme, not to mention the fact that this boy didn't seem like he could hurt a fly, and he was supposed to be Ben's big plan? What was he thinking?

Avak flinched. "S-sorry," he said nervously and it was only then that Valerie realized she'd been glaring.

"Oh, no, I wasn't angry at you," Valerie said quickly. Avak nodded, but he still looked scared. Valerie sighed. Great. Here she was trying to comfort the poor boy and so far all she'd done was frighten him even worse. She was going to have to have a serious talk with Ben later.

"Hey," she said gently, leaning forward and putting a hand on Avak's knee, causing him to jump again. "Nobody's going to hurt you or anything here, I promise, OK?" Valerie smiled reassuringly. Avak nodded, his fear lessening somewhat and his smile steadying.

"So, let's take a look at your file here, shall we?" Valerie asked, picking up Avak's folder and flipping it open. It contained surprisingly few sheets of paper and what was in there was spartan. Outside of a basic physical description of Avak, the first few pages were bare. Valerie had to admire the almost antiseptic quality of Ben's work. Only the last page presented any intangibles. "Well, this is interesting," she murmured.

"What is it?" Avak asked, leaning forward to get a better look.

"It seems Ben took a page from Amanda's book when he created you," Valerie said, re-reading the sheet of paper.

"Who's Amanda?"

"Amanda is... or was the Author of Lily, Ben's lover."

"Ben has a lover?"

"She's former Mary-Sue," Valerie explained. "What set her apart from the rest of her race was her altruism. Rather than just using her powers for her own ends, she was trying to help people. Ben took her in and she just recently became an Agent here now."

Avak nodded as Valerie continued. "I had a look at Lily's original fanfic a while back when she first joined the Society and I can see a lot of paralells between her personality and yours. Most notably, you both share the same desire to help other people. I suppose Ben had to give you something to start with, otherwise you problably would've been a soulless husk."

Avak cocked his head to one side. "Do you think it would be possible for me to meet this Lily?"

"I think she's out on a mission right now," Valerie replied. "She should be back soon though..."

-

It was the voices that woke Lily. She started to open her eyes, but the vice squeezing her head in its iron grip discouraged that notion. One of the voices she recognized through the grinding shriek of her headache belonged to Matthew. The other was high pitched and drilled right through her aching skull.

"Hey! Looks like she's finally waking up!" There was the sound of footsteps drawing nearer and a second later someone was slapping at her face. "Hey, hey, hey! Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty!"

Lily weakly raised an arm to try to bat the slapping hands away and wedged her eyes open. The slapper was a girl with bubblegum pink hair, rich blue eyes, and a cute face that just screamed trouble.

She looked Lily over, shaking her head ruefully. "Seriously, Matthew," she pouted, planting a fist on her hip. "It's one thing to cheat on me, but to do it with something like this? You must be joking."

"Sorry, Holly," Matthew smirked, walking over. "But she forced herself on me."

Weak as she was, Lily still managed a growl and tried to sit up. A sneer distorted Holly's face as she planted a heel on Lily and forced her back down to the ground. Her head struck the ground again, igniting a fresh batch of stars on the interior of her skull and cranking the shriek of her headache up a few decibels. "Stay down where you belong, traitor." Holly spat, then turned back to Matthew, keeping one foot on Lily's stomach. "So," she asked. "What's so important that you had to drag me half-way across the multi-verse to this little backwater fandom just to end up saving your cute, yet sorry butt from this thing?"

"This," Matthew replied, hefting the Book of Prophecy. Holly frowned. "But you've already showed me that before."

"And I showed you what it could do, didn't I?"

"Yes, modify anything it scans and change it anyway you want."

Matthew nodded. "The thing is, I got so caught up in the Book's more advanced powers, that I missed the possibilites of it's most basic features."

"And that is?" Holly prompted.

"The more I delved into the Book's secrets, the more I realized just how similar it is to our powers. The only difference is, whereas even we have limits, this book has none!"

Holly's eyes lit up as Matthew continued. "It's like a reactor. Even if you only put a spark of power in, you still get an entire ocean of power back out."

"So, what are you going to do with it?"

"You remember what I said about the Book's most basic abilities? The Book's most basic power is that of duplication, creating clones of the original data contained inside. I didn't realize the potential at first, underestimating the Book's limits, thinking that at most only two or three copies would be feasible."

"But since the book has no limits-"

"-there are no limits on how many clones can be created!" Matthew finished. "You could create an army with just this book without ever having to worry about running out of troops!"

"So what are you doing here then? Why haven't you already crushed half the fandoms in the multi-verse then?"

"I brought it here for a test run, just to be certain it would work the way I intended it too. It took me longer than I'd anticipated, but I finally managed to use the book to absorb every single demon in the castle."

"I was wondering why this place was so empty..." Holly nodded.

"So," Matthew smirked. "Shall we take her for a test drive?"

"We shall," Holly replied, an evil grin plastered on her face as the two backed away from Lily, Matthew flipping through the book until he found the appropriate demon. "I think a Red Minotaur should do nicely, don't you?" he asked, golden energy swirling around the Book Of Prophecy. "Ready... Aim... FI-GAAACK!" Matthew was cut off as Karissa materialized behind him, Gekkou wrapped tightly around his throat.

"What?" Holly whirled taking her attention off Lily for a split second.

Lily took advantage of Holly's distraction to activate Top Gear and teleport away. Holly spun back just in time to see the statue Lily had been lying against a second before falling towards her, propelled by Live Slow, Die Fast. She threw herself to one side as the statue crashed to the earth and scrambled back to her feet. Matthew had dropped the Book of Prophecy in his struggle with Karissa, and Holly scooped it up, opening the book to a random page and pulling out a gun of all things. A surprising weapon to be available in a fantasy fandom like this, but she had no time to ponder the game's avalabale arsenal.

Raising the weapon, she fired, the bullet whizzing past Karissa's ear. The Agent ducked, releasing her grasp on Gekkou as she did so.

Gasping for air, Matthew broke free and stumble towards Holly. With a flick of her hand, Holly opened a plothole and started helping Matthew towards it.

"Oh, no you don't!" Lily shouted, leaping over the fallen statue and running towards the fleeing couple. In response, Holly half turned, raising the gun still in her hand and firing off several rounds. Lily ducked and the bullets went wide. By the time she looked up again, both Holly and Matthew had vanished.

"Hey," Karrisa called, jogging over, Gekkou safely stashed away in its sash. "Are you OK?"

Lilly nodded "Yeah, I'm fine." She sighed sighed, staring at the place where Matthew had vanished. "How'd you find me?"

"I was the one on monitor duty," Karissa explained. "Sorry it took me so long to get here."

Lily shrugged wordlessly.

Karissa follwed her gaze. "Hey, you'll get him next time."

"Will I?" Lily's tone was unconvinced.

Karissa didn't know how to reply.

"C'mon," she said at last. "Let's go home."

-

"Matthew's planning to use the Book of Prophecy summon an army," Lily said bluntly. She and Karissa were standing in Michael's office, who was apparently losing the war with the paperwork covering his desk.

Matthew's eyes widened. "Are you sure? Is the Book even capable of that?"

Lily shrugged. "According to him it is. At least that's what he told Holly."

"Oh, yes." Matthew sighed. "I forgot you mentioned her. So now we have another Sue to worry about."

"You might want to put a freeze on Aria of Sorrow too," Karissa added. "Apparently Matthew used the book to absorb every single demon in Dracula's castle."

Michael groaned. "That's two fandoms we've had to put on lockdown because of this Stu. You'd better catch him quick, Lily."

Lily shrugged. "I'll try."

"Didn't you mention something about him killing a canon character too?"

"Oh," Karissa giggled. "I took another look at the monitors on the way here and apparently Soma re-spawned at the last save point without remembering a thing. Fortunately Matthew didn't meddle in the fandom more, or it would have been harder to undo."

"Thank god for small mercies," Michael sighed. "Anyway, I'll be sure to tell everyone else to keep an extra close eye on the monitors from now on. You're dismissed. Try and get some rest, Lily. You look beat."

Lily nodded and started out the door and down the hallway, keeping her eyes fixed on her white sneakers.

"Hey! Wait up, Lily!" Lily turned to see Karissa hurrying to catch up. "Hey, what's wrong?" Karissa asked.
Lily shrugged. "Nothing."

"Don't lie to me. Something's bothering you, I can tell. Now what is it?" Karissa asked.

"It's nothing, just-" Lily sighed. "That was my second mission," she explained. "And it was the second time in as many missions that I had to be rescued by someone else." Her hand curled into a fist. "How am I ever supposed to prove myself strong enough to fight alongside Ben if I keep needing someone else's help?"

"You think that Ben never needed anyone's help?" Karissa asked in disbeleif. "Why else do you think Shirley follows him everywhere he goes? It's to make sure he doesn't get himself killed!"

"He doesn't always need her!" Lily protested. "He beat both me and Neb without help from anyone!"

"Lily," Karissa sighed, putting a hand on the smaller girl's shoulder. "You don't have to prove anything to Ben! He loves you!"

"I know that!" Lily replied. "But I don't want to be a burden to him! I need to be able to hold my own!"

Karissa was about to say something but she was interrupted by a voice from behind. "Um, excuse me?" The two girls turned to see a short, stocky boy with messy brown hair standing behind them, looking. "You're Lily, right?" he asked shyly.

"Yes, but who are you?" Lily asked.

"I've never seen you around here before. Are you new?"

He nodded.

"I'm Avak."

-

Ben, Shirley and Jess sat on the floor with their backs to the wall in a small colorless room in a secluded part of the Library. A well worn drumset, several amps and a purple stationary keyboard on rusty legs sat dejectedly in one corner of the room. The keyboard's keys were smoking gently.

"Ooooh..." Jess moaned, massasing her aching fingers. "I haven't played that loud or hard since...I've never played that hard."

"Well, you nearly drowned out Shirley if that makes you feel any better." Ben grinned from where he sat hunched over Bahamut, fiddling with the machine heads.

"If that's the case I'll just have to start practicing on you in my free time, won't I?" Shirley growled.

Ben gulped.

"Knock it off, you two," Jess mumbled from around a stubby pencil as she looked over the clipboard in her hands.

"So what do you have for us?" Ben asked, keeping his gaze fixed on Bahamut.

"Well, so far, all we have is the three of us, and our instruments. We still need a vocalist and a bassist at the very least."

"Not to mention a band name, genre or any original material," Shirley put in.

"Give it time, girl," Ben said, plucking Bahamut's strings methodically. "I mean, we've barely had two jam sessions. The band hasn't even existed long enough for us to write any songs."

Shirley huffed and folded her knobby arms.

"I'm surprised you're so dedicated to this, Shirley," Jess said, glancing up deviously. "I thought your new boyfriend would've kept you too busy for things like this."

"Are you kidding me?" Shirley growled. "Your mutant freak is driving me crazy. Sure, he's giving me some space, but nowhere near enough. This is one of the few times I can get away from him."

"I'll have a word with him," Jess said distractedly, attention back on the clipboard. "Let's take one thing at a time." She sighed. "What genre are we even going to play?"

Ben shrugged, still not looking up from Bahamut. "Doesn't matter to me, so long as it's heavy."

Shirley raised an eyebrow. "That's pretty shallow for a Metalhead like you."

Ben glanced up breifly for the first time in five minutes, before looking back down at the instrument in his lap again. "It's not that," he said. "It's just that I can work with any genre. It doesn't matter if it's Thrash, Death, Power or whatever. I can work with anything."

"And so long as it's not symphonic, right?" Jess asked dryly. The lack of a symphonic element to their music was really going to cramp her style.

Ben shook his head. "I never said that. I don't mind symphonic music, I'm just picky about them is all. We can be symphonic if you'd like."

"So symphonic, yet heavy. What, are we going to play Symphonic Death Metal or something?" Shirley snorted.

Ben and Jess glanced at one another.

"Works for me."

"Same here."

Shirley looked from one of her bandmates to the other in disbelief. "I was kidding!"

"I wasn't."

"Me neither," Jess agreed as she added their new genre to the clipboard.

Shirley sighed."OK, if you keep taking everything people say seriously, we're going to end up being a Psychostick copy-cat band here."

Ben shrugged. "Well, we already have ONE Psychostick..."

"THAT'S IT! C'MERE!"

"NOT THE FINGERS! I NEED THEM TO PLAY! NOT THE FINGERS! NO, AAAAGH!"

Jess ignored them.

Insert Serious Crack-Smoking Here

Kyle was in a bit of a rut. It was sometime after his mission to the Samurai Pizza Cats Fandom and the Leaders had forbidden him from staying in his room, except for sleeping, and from training for a number of days. Apparently, they wanted him to interact with other members of the Society more often. Naturally, this didn't sit well with him, but he wasn't about to vent himself at the Leaders. For the most part, he stuck to either the Monitor room or the main Reading room during this time. On his way to the kitchen for some lunch one day, something moving caught his eye at the other end of the corridor he was in.

He looked up and saw a person's shadow along the wall, which quickly moved away as if the shadow itself was aware that he had seen it. Thinking it suspicious, Kyle crept towards the end of the corridor, where it split off left and right. Pressing himself against the nearest wall, he allowed himself to see down the hallway from where he was. Seeing nothing there, he slid ever closer to the corner he is flat against. Peeking around the corner and also seeing nothing, he briefly wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him, only to mentally kick himself, thinking that his mind is stronger than that.

Stepping away from the wall and into the hallway's split, Kyle closed his eyes and listened for footsteps. When he didn't hear any, he wondered if he had missed whoever it had been. That's when he heard someone clear their throat behind him, causing him to spin around and face them. This person was someone that Kyle didn't expect to see in the Library; a massively fat man, Kyle wasn't sure how he could even move with his size, with a mustache that seemed to have a mind of its own. What made this weirder in Kyle's mind was, this man was standing on the ceiling.

"You are Kyle, yes?" This massive man asked as his mustache grew longer and then crossed itself as if it were a pair of arms.

"I am. Who are you?" Kyle responded in a deliberate tone. The man didn't immediately respond as he fell from the ceiling and turned into a blob of fat upon impact with the ground. It apparently didn't harm him as he reformed almost immediately in a standing position.

"I am Fred, the Great Persona of Crack," Fred's mustache started moving, as if upset about something. "Oh yes, of course, sorry about that. This is Larry."

Kyle wasn't sure if he should facepalm, facefault, or run away screaming. He could already tell a headache was starting to form. Reaching up and massaging his forehead, he asked, "And what does the Great Persona of Crack want with me?"

Almost with glee, Fred walked over and started to put his hand on Kyle's shoulder. Kyle zipped back a few steps to avoid that. Undeterred, Fred walked towards Kyle to repeat the act. Again, Kyle zipped back a few steps.

"Sorry, but I don't really like people touching me, especially if I don't know them."

Larry drooped a bit as Fred just stood there for a moment. Then he just shrugged and Larry perked up again. Fred cleared his throat and started saying, "Kyle, Ma Boi."

Kyle knew where that came from and immediately facepalmed. Wiping his hand over his head, Kyle let his attention go back to the fat man.

"I, the Great Persona of Crack, have been asked by your friends in the Society to help you learn the joys of the Crackfic," Fred declared with glee.

"It's because I only got them gift cards for Christmas, isn't it?" Kyle thought aloud as he wondered what he had done to deserve the Society calling this guy down on him. As if he hadn't spoken, Fred continued.

"Come, there is much for you to learn," A portal appeared on the wall as he finished that sentence. With all the psychedelic colors swarming in this portal, Kyle couldn't see any destination.

"Where does this portal lead to anyway?" Kyle asked almost defensively. Larry took on a smile-ish appearance as Fred replied.

"Why spoil the surprise? Come on now." Fred entered the portal as Kyle hesitated. Kyle considered just walking away and forget that this ever happened. It apparently wasn't a choice as a fat hand shot out of the portal and grabbed his arm. With no time to react, Kyle was dragged in.

-

When Kyle's senses came back to him, he found himself in midair...on a broomstick. As he was looking at his mount, he noticed that he wasn't in his leisure clothes anymore. He was dressed in Gryffindor quidditch robes. This brought the rest of his attention to the happenings around him and what he saw shocked him. There was only chaos on the Quidditch field; instead of the normal 7 players per team, there were several dozen. So much was happening that Kyle wasn't able to follow all of it.

What he could follow made him want to bang his head on a hard, flat surface. Instead of the Quaffle ball, the Chasers were playing with live chickens. The Bludgers weren't balls of iron, instead they were flying copies of Taz, the Tasmanian Devil. Along the ground were Road Runner and Speedy Gonzales being chased by Sylvester the Cat and Wile E. Coyote, who were riding broomsticks in quidditch robes. He watched as Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam were taking potshots at Bugs Bunny with their guns. Each time, they missed and hit Daffy Duck instead.

Kyle was watching with growing mirth. He grew up with Looney Tunes and he still finds them funny, usually. He started laughing when an Anvil fell out of the sky and slammed down on his head. The anvil cracked, falling off in two pieces and left Kyle with a long cartoony bump in his head. He pushed it down and then rubbed the spot for a moment. After that, he looked up only to see an empty sky above him. Then he looked down and saw that the anvil halves had hit Sylvester and Wile E, flattening them.

While Kyle knew that they'd be alright, he started heading towards the ground as he felt better with his feet on something solid. As he descended, a boot came out of nowhere and hit him in the face. It slid off like it would in most cartoons and left a red print from chin to forehead. He reached up and took his glasses off as they were pressing into his face because of the boot. By the time he landed, his face was normal again and he put his glasses back on.

"That was funny to watch. Ready to go?" Fred popped up behind Kyle, causing Kyle to jump a bit before he turned around to face Fred.

"If we're leaving, I want to choose the next place. Got it?" Kyle was kind of peeved that he got hit twice out of nowhere. Fred shrugged as a portal opened up on the stadium wall. After taking a deep breath, Kyle entered the portal with Fred following.

-

The area where Kyle and Fred ended up was kind of confusing. Confusing in the fact that, it was just an ordinary sandy desert. Fred was looking a bit disappointed at the scene. Turning to Kyle, he said.

"A desert? I let you control where the portal goes and you take us to a desert?" Larry was apparently expressing Fred's anger as he was moving about lividly. Kyle didn't say anything as his stomach grumbled. Fred had interrupted his lunch time after all. Instead of reaching into his Astral Vault to get something, he reached down and scooped up some sand and then ate some of that. Fred's eyes widened in surprise while Larry turned into a bunch of bristles in shock. When Kyle finished that handful, he decided to explain.

"This isn't a true desert. I decided to be a bit humorous and brought us to a stealth pun location. Everything here is edible. For example, the sand is cookie crumbs." Kyle reached down and got another handful. Fred blinked a few times and then tried to reach down himself, but couldn't due to his girth. So instead, he faceplanted into the cookie sand. Standing back up, he swallowed his mouthful and said.

"I have to admit, this is good sand. There's hope for you yet. Just like Whatey."

"Who?" Kyle asked blankly.

"Whatey. He's one of your buddies from the Society that my old student, Ben, introduced me to." Fred replied in a kind of incredulous tone, like he was surprised that Kyle didn't know who he was talking about. Kyle just stared at him blankly, but then just shrugged. He was about to scoop himself another handful of sand when the ground started rumbling. Out of the sand came... a giant gummy worm. Kyle facefaulted upon seeing it.

"What is this, the Dune Series?" The gummy worm looked at them for a moment and then the front of it opened to reveal what could be called its mouth. It pulled back a moment and then basically hawked a dark brown lugee. Kyle jumped back a bit and watched it hit where he was. It was steaming as it sat there. Kyle sniffed the air for a moment and then facefaulted.

"A giant gummy worm that spits hot fudge? That doesn't make any sense at all!" The worm burrowed back underground while Kyle got busy rubbing his forehead to forestall a headache. After a few moments, the grounds stopped shaking as the worm apparently left the vicinity. Kyle sighed and then said, "This has not been a good day. What will happen next?"

He probably should have kept his mouth shut as, suddenly, hundreds of giant slabs of meatloaf fell from the sky. The meatloaves got up, Kyle grumbled to himself as he facepalmed, and then music started playing. Kyle recognized it as Michael Jackson's song, Thriller. When the meatloaves began dancing to the music, Kyle slapped his forehead once again. He looked over at Fred to find him joining the meatloaves in their dance like Michael did for the zombies in the music video. Watching a impossibly fat man dance with hundreds of slabs of meatloaves made Kyle's mood worsen several points. You see, Kyle can be easy to annoy and/or frustrate and a quick way to do that is to constantly break his pacing. Anyone who knows this could tell that his annoyance would soon peak and then the song hit this point.

"And though you fight to stay alive
 Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller"

"The, END!" Kyle stretched out his arms and a burst of chaotic fiery energy shot out from them. Fred and the Meatloaves stopped dancing to watch the incoming attack. It struck the ground and erupted in an explosion that would put Ben's nukes to shame. While not actually a nuclear explosion, it was pretty darn close. When the dust settled and all of the smoke was clearing, Kyle was found on his back. He slowly got up, aching all over and in need of some new clothing, though he wasn't indecent. Then the smoke cleared enough for him to see Fred and the Meatloaves. Where Fred was, a blob of fat took his place while all the meatloaves had been burned to a crisp. When the blob reformed into the 800 pound man, he looked around in horror at the charred meatloaves.

"Noo, Meatloaf!" Fred ran over to the nearest one and knelt down beside it as best he could. "Hang in there, Meatloaf... Meatloaf... MEATLOAF! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!"

Kyle had changed into new clothes while watching this. With a facepalm, he gets close enough to Fred to say, "What a Large Ham. That was so full of Narm, it was ridiculous."

Fred got up and turned around. Kyle didn't expect Larry to be smiling or for Fred to say, "Thank you. I've been practicing that for hundreds of years."

Kyle blinked, "You're not upset? Even with that Narm, I thought you were actually upset."

"Whatever gave you that idea? This is a Crackfic, everything that happens is done for the humor." Fred stated as Larry was essentially shrugging. "Besides, I'm the Great Persona of Crack, I could bring them right back in an instant if I wanted to."

"Please don't. The first time was disturbing enough," said Kyle as he fought down a shudder. "Anyway, are we done yet?"

Fred got a devious look in his eyes and said, "Not yet. I don't think you understand the joys of Crack yet."

Once again, the portal from before appeared, this time on the nearest cactus. With resignation, Kyle was caught off guard by Fred and Larry dragging him through the portal.

-

This next area that they were taken was far beyond what Kyle expected it to be. After all, he hadn't pictured the Great Persona of Crack would drag him to a massive futuristic metropolis. He'd almost compare it to the Futurama fandom. Only thing that made it truly different from Futurama was the fact that the population of this future was nothing but zombies...sparkling zombies. These zombies apparently take after the vampires of the Twilight fandom as only those in direct sunlight sparkled. Kyle wasn't paying any attention to the zombies though, his eyes were on all the advanced tech. Fred was a bit surprised to see Kyle zip from one place and gaze at the technology to another and try handling a strange device or two. While holding one such device, a zombie came up to him and said, "Hail stranger, art thou living?"

Kyle didn't take his eyes off the device as he replied, "Thouest wonders of my state of life? Doth this make thee a bigot?"

The zombie stood there a moment in thought. Then he said, "Nay. Thine state of life offends me not. Thy state merely catcheth me off my guard. Living beings hath been deceased for many a century."

For a second, the zombie paused and then got an almost possessed look on its face, "...Living beings with, BRAINS!"

"Thou speaketh truly?" Kyle asked, slamming the device in the zombie's face as it lunged at him. When the zombie backed down and shook its head to clear what passes for a mind, Kyel set down the device and turned to face the zombie. His face was deadpan as he continued, "Speakest thee, what cataclysm robbed the lives of thy world?"

"Oh stranger, a cataclysm most destructive and disturbing. Storms of coconut milk fell from the sky while the sea turned to soy sauce. A plague of waffles cleared the sprawling cities of their Facebook. Humming squirrels preyed upon the cookies of the clueless. Ubsurdity turned cows against chickens in a happy hour that deluded millions. It was the signs of the Foamy!" The zombie exclaimed to the wondering Kyle.

"Mine ears cannot but accept this as truth." Kyle said with some sadness in his voice. The zombie was so shaken up by his own explanation that he wandered off spouting "The signs of the Foamy!"

Kyle watched him walk away before moving on himself to check out more advanced technology. It was shortly after he started moving again that he came across a kiosk for hamburgers. Apparently zombies in this place had to eat just like normal people. Anyway, as Kyle got close, a zombie manning the kiosk spoke up.

"Hail stranger. Thou art the first living being I hast beheld since I lived. Hast thee eaten yet?"

Kyle turned to answer him, "Nay, but snacks. Pray thee answer this, what meat dost thou cut for thine burgers?"

"Pray my answer sates thee, only the best rat meat is cut for burgers here." The zombie replied.

"Rat meat, thou sayest? Only rats survive to serve and sate carnivorous hunger, then?" Kyle questioned.

The zombie looked a bit surprised, but then responded, "Correct, stranger, unless thy prefer the taste of insects... or brains. Of course, other animals still stand, but just like us, they have rotted and decayed, rendering their meat foul. No fresh brains have been seen in years."

Like the other zombie before it, this one paused as it gained a possessed look, "Fresh... BRAINS!"

Kyle nodded and then thumped the zombie on the head with his fist. As the zombie recovered, Kyle said as he started walking away, "Thank thee for the knowledge and I pray for thy success in thy endeavors."

He was some ways away when he heard someone behind him say, "Have fun yet?"

When Kyle turned around, Fred had caught up to him while holding a burger.

"Well, it seemed like you were. You certainly know your Le Olde English." Fred said before looking at his wrist like he had a watch on. "Oh my, would you look at the time. I've almost used up all of your dream. Time for me to leave you with your regularly scheduled program."

Kyle blinked at this comment. Fred created the portal on a nearby wall and vanished through it. Almost immediately, it closed and the massive metropolis was replaced...by Kyle's room. It took a moment for Kyle to recognize where he was. Once he did, he realized that he was naked. A giggle came from behind him so he turned around to find Chun-Li from the Street Fighter fandom underneath the covers of his bed in the same state of dress as he was. She held up the covers in invitation while Kyle approached with a look of awe on his face.

-

Kyle snapped out of his slumber. Sitting up, he sighed dejectedly as his mind kept that last bit of his dream for several moments. "Dang it... always at the good parts."

After a time, the dream faded from his mind. Checking the clock, he moaned at the early hour and then tried going back to bed. He turned on his side to face the wall, unaware of someone looking at him from his closet. Fred was watching the sleeping form on the bed when a woman appeared behind him. She had an ethereal beauty to her; lightly tanned, smooth skin, a blue veil covering her midnight black hair and it was topped by a sky blue toga.

"I have to thank you, Persona of Crack. I've finally been awakened after so many years." Her voice was as beautiful as she was. Fred turned to her with a grin on his face.

"Well, I can't really take all the credit, now can I? It was the person you serve that remembered that he loved mad-libs." The woman smiled in response to this. She turned to look at the sleeping character.

"His Society character is too serious to play with Crack, but my Author is reawakening to me, his Muse of Mad-libs and Improv. While I cannot be certain he can do more Crack, my return means that he can start being less serious." Fred and the Muse stood there in silence for a moment before they both faded away.