Sunday, February 27, 2011

Insert Ostentaciously-Colored Dragon Here

It had been a hell of a month for the Anti-Chiche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, and it was only going to get worse.

As the Society's infamy spread over various fandoms, it seemed that more and more Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus were coming out of hiding, if only to have the bragging rights of thwarting the Society in their mission. Unfortunately, many of them were succeeding. The techies in the Library basement were working overtime making new top-of-the-line gadgets to compensate for the sudden influx of Sueishness in the worlds, and more and more rookies were recruited to help stop the encroaching threat, but it never seemed like there were enough people to go around.

At the moment though, Valerie was taking a rare moment of down-time to relax. She wasn't needed right away, and everyone else on her team were otherwise occupied (Stacey and Danielle had gone to help train new rookies, Terrie was on her first solo assignment, and Monika was... somewhere. Who knew what that girl did with her spare time? She could be anywhere...), so Valerie had the Library virtually to herself.

Pulling out a particular book a few inches and unlocking the secret catch, the brunette stuck her hand behind the shelf and snagged a fresh box of Oreos. She grinned impishly as she tore open the top. Adrian could try and hide the snacks from her, but he'd have to be cleverer than that!

Just then, the opulant doors of the Library Arcania burst open, and a very harried Tash strode in, Miriku on her heels. She looked around for a moment, searching the library shelves, then rushed over to a corner section and began pulling out books. Miriku looked nervous.

"Tash," Valerie asked, concerned, "What's going on?"

Tash, who quite likely hadn't noticed Valerie until that point, turned around and glanced at the box of cookies Valerie was still holding. "Are those Adrian's cookies?" she asked.

Valerie blushed, then quickly hid the box behind her back. "Like you're any better."

The blonde smiled wryly, then went back to flipping through pages. Miriku answered Valerie's question.

"There's a new Mary-Sue developing in the Dragonriders of Pern series," she said. "We're hoping to nip this one in the bud, because it could be real trouble if she succeeds."

"She's attending a Hatching," Tash interjected. Valerie's eyes widened as she continued, "If one of those dragons Impresses her, she can and will cause no end of trouble, and not just in Pern either."

Valerie nodded, remembering Pernese dragons' ability to move between, an ability akin to the plothole power of authors and self-inserts. Tash turned to her. "I need you to take this-" She handed Valerie an oversized circular sticker with a large capital C emblazoned on it, "-and stick it to the queen egg."

Valerie turned the sticker over in her hands, checking the backing to make sure it could be peeled off easily. "What's it do?" she asked.

"It's a copyright," Miriku explained. "The techies just came out with it. Whatever it's stuck to can't be affected or changed by Mary-Sue powers or author powers, so use it wisely."

Valerie nodded and stuck the copyright in her back pocket, then paused on her way out the door. This would make her first solo mission, and it was a big one. By all rights it should be handled by a team, but everyone else was busy. Tash and her group were getting busier and busier with paperwork and other such necessities as the Society grew larger. Of course, Valerie's team had split for parts unknown at this incredibly inopportune time. Blake was off helping Adrian with something before heading back to his own mission, Marcus was chasing a Stu of his own, and Michael was on sick leave from the pounding he'd recieved in the Dragon Ball Z universe. Valerie was on her own.

As though reading her mind, Tash asked, "Are you sure your up for this? This is a pretty big mission. Normally we'd send an entire team, but with our resources spread so thin..."

"No worries," Valerie said with a sudden smile, "I'll just take my muse with me."


Stepping out from the plothole she'd come through, Valerie took a quick look around before ducking into a spare hallway. She'd chosen Benden as the most likely place for Sue activity. Ruatha was actually the most likely hotspot, as it was the home of the handsom young Lord Jaxom and his white dragon, but Ruatha didn't have a Weyr in its territory, so Benden was the next best choice. Valerie looked over the Hatching grounds with a careful eye. The stands were already filling up with people, and Ramoth was hovering over the queen egg in her usual irratible fashion. None of the candidates had arrived yet.

Now if I know my Sues, Valerie thought to herself, she won't be one of the candidates. She'll be waiting in the stands somewhere. Impressions are much more dramatic that way. But the stands were nearly full by now, and it was a large place to search, especially in Benden Weyr. Valerie frowned. This is not gonna be easy...

The main priority was to attach the copyright to the queen egg, but unless the Mary-Sue was found and captured, she'd just Impress one of the green dragons, or even a blue or bronze (that'd be a first, but Valerie never put anything past Mary-Sues). The candidates were filing in. Valerie needed a plan, and fast.

"Okay," she whispered to her muse, who in this world took the form of a gold fire-lizard, "Ari, you distract Ramoth while I get this sticker on the queen egg. We'll worry about the Sue once that's done." Ari chirruped and took off toward the great queen dragon, flying in circles around her head. Valerie smirked. Ramoth was infamous for her dislike of fire-lizards, and would soon be too busy with Ari to be as obsessivly protective of her egg.

Valerie winced. "And now for the fun part," she groaned.

The better part of the next five minutes was spent dancing and hopping across the excruciatingly hot and absurdly wide hatching ground sands. When she finally reached the other side, on the far end of the stands and near where Ramoth was hovering over her egg and snapping irratibly at Ari, Valerie was sorely tempted to dip her blistering feet, shoes and all, in ice-water. "Why didn't I open the plothole over here?" she moaned.

"Excuse me," said an icy voice, "but exactly what is your fire-lizard doing flying around my dragon?"

Oh crap... Slowly, Valerie turned around to face one of the most formidable characters in Pernese fandom. Though incredibly short and petite, Wyerwoman Lessa was a force to be reckoned with, especially when Ramoth was in a mood. "Lessa," she said quickly, "I need your help. Someone's going to interfere with the Hatching."

That got her attention. "Who?" she asked in a low voice, "And how?"

Leave it to Lessa to save the why for later...

"I'm not certain exactly who," Valerie said, looking around the stadium-like structure. At Lessa's skeptical look, she quickly added, "But I know it's going to be a female, someone very beautiful likable and probably has some sort of tragedy in her past. She's also likely to have an extremely long and complicated name. Have you run into anyone like that?"

Lessa frowned, a thoughtful look crossing her face. "F'lar picked up a girl wandering around Southern on one of his passes. She said she didn't have any memory of how she got there, but she'd already Impressed an entire fair of fire-lizards, several of which were in colors we've never seen before. Also, we recently discovered she can communicate with all dragons. Is that who you're looking for?"

Valerie blinked. "Is she pretty?"

"She's alright-looking, I guess," the weyrwoman shrugged.

Coming from Lessa, that meant she was drop-dead gorgeous. "That's the one. She got a name?"

"Called herself Ailianna Flamewing," said Lessa. "There were a bunch of other names, but that's the only part I remember. Anyway, that's her up th- What is she doing with F'lar?"

Valerie followed Lessa's outraged gaze. Near the front of the stands where the Lords, Masters, and Weyrleaders usually sat, a girl in her early twenties with red-brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes (and who looked uncannily like Kristen Stewart) sat very very close to the Benden Weyrleader, one hand on his knee and the other twirling playfully with his black hair. At Lessa's cry she turned toward where they were standing and smirked at them wryly.

"Caught on, have you?" Ailianna said with a smirk. "I've been expecting a Society member to show up eventually, but you're too late! The eggs are already hatching!" With that she put a suitably hypnotized look and began walking as though in a dream towards the queen egg. All the other candidates, already under her power, parted to make way for her. Even Ramoth didn't snarl at her when she approached. "I... I don't understand. S-She wants me?" Ailianna's voice was perfectly wavering and confused, with just the right amount of disbelief and humility thrown in.

Valerie felt like gagging.

Breaking into a dead run, Valerie pulled out her copyright sticker and standard-issue prohibiter and sprinted toward Ramoth and the egg (which was cracking open at an alarming rate) as Ari abandoned her attempts to distract the queen and dove for Ailianna's hair. This diversion didn't last long though, as the Sue's hair refused to tangle and pull, falling out of Ari's claws like water and settling perfectly back into place. It almost seemed like Valerie would make it until...


The eggshell split clean in half, and a glistening golden dragonet tumbled out in adorable heap. Almost immediately, her swirling, faceted eyes focussed on Ailianna, completely ignoring the other candidates, and the two began moving toward each other.

Now what? Valerie thought frantically. I can't copyright the dragonet and catch the Sue at the same time!

Making a split-second decision, the brown-haired Society member sprinted for the dragonet. Ramoth turned to snarl at what she percieved to be an intruder on this sacred ceremony, but Valerie dove between her legs and slid like a baseball player past the newborn queen, attaching the copyright sticker to the base of her tail as she went. The sticker glittered briefly and vanished into the chick's body. Nothing could remove it now. The baby was safe from Sue manipulations.

Suddenly, both Ramoth and the newborn started as though waking up from a deep sleep, and Ailianna scowled. "You think that stupid copyright'll stop me? I'll just Impress another-" The Sue was cut off as a glazed look came to her eyes. Slowly, gracefully, Ailianna Flamewing fell forward in an unconscious heap.

Standing just behind her, rock in hand, was Lessa.

"You so much as look at my weyrmate again," she said in a surprisingly vicious snarl, "and I'll... I'll..." Seemingly unable to think of a suitable threat, the Weyrwoman settled for giving the unconscious Sue a small kick.

Valerie got up and dusted herself off. "Thanks Lessa," she said with a shakey laugh. "I'll take it from here."

Lessa gave the Sue a withering glance before turning her attentions to her dragon, who by now was very confused. But by the time Valerie was done apprehending her prisoner and making sure the prohibiter was good and tight around her dainty wrist, the new queen had Impressed a rider, one of the girls in the line of canditates, and Ramoth proclaimed herself satisfied with her daughter's choice. Over in the stands, F'lar and half the other males in the immediate area were rubbing their temples as though waking up from a dream. Or maybe a nightmare...

Seeing that things were getting back to normal, Valerie threw Ailiana's dainty body over her shoulder (being a Sue, she was exceedingly thin and light, and so very easy to carry) and opened up a plothole to take them back to the Library. With a fond final glance at one of her favorite fandoms, she stepped through, Ari following after her as it closed behind them.

Lessa looked at the place where they had been. Once the Sue was gone from this world, everyone's memories of her had vanished as well, so her memories of the past week or so were a bit of a blur.

However, seeing as F'lar was approaching her with a celebratory grin on his face at another successful Hatching, she shrugged it off, whistling the tune to I Hate Little Fire-Lizards.

"Oh I hate little fire-lizards, and my dragon hates them too..."


Closing the specially modified prison cell with a particularly satisfying clang, Valerie grinned at Tash, who grinned back.

"Nicely done," said the blonde. "Wish I couldda been there. From what you wrote in the report, it sounded like fun!"

"Yeah. Fun," Valerie smirked wryly. "You try crossing the hatching sands sometime. Or maybe going face to face with the teeth of the biggest dragon in the world." Tash gave her a look, and Valerie's smirk turned into a smile. "Okay fine, it was fun," she admitted. "There is definitely something to be said for the excitement of solo missions. No wonder all the boys do it."

Tash grinned at her. "And you even resisted the fangirl temptation!"

Valerie grinned back, rather proud of herself. "Yep. It might be that teams of women actually egg each other on in that department."

Tash laughed. "Definitely. Ra knows Lauren wouldn't go all fangirl if the rest of us didn't bully her into it!"

The two girls laughed, then went together upstairs to raid Adrian's snack stash.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Insert Hackneyed Woo Foo Scrolls Here

"Okay, people," Tash told the Society as soon as they'd gathered for the meeting she'd called. "After the trouble that Michael had in the DBZ fandom, our techies came up with a new tool to help us. Here it is," she said, holding up what looked like a golden stopwatch.

"What is it?" Adrian, a tall, white-haired boy dressed entirely in black.

"Yes," Marcus said. "Do tell."

"It's called a Scene Transition," Tash explained. "Using it, you can escape a Sue or Stu in an emergency. When it ends, you'll be out of their clutches."

"Sweet!" Blake cheered.

"What's the catch?" Michael asked, rubbing one of his bruises. "There has to be one—like how a Prohibitor has to touch a Sue for at least a second to erase everything."

"You have to be careful not to overuse it," Tash said. "If you skip too much, the story falls apart. Also, time still passes around you when you use it, and you never know exactly how you'll end up when it's over, save for the fact that you'll still be alive."

"Incidentally," said Harriet, a blonde girl slightly shorter than Tash. "We have another Sue in a fandom I've never heard of. Is anyone here familiar with 'Yin Yang Yo!'?"

Marcus was the only one who raised his hand.

"Oh, do all of you have grudges against American cartoons?" he asked, looking around.

Everyone shrugged as he grabbed the Scene Transition and headed off into the fandom.


Upon arriving in the fandom, Marcus felt a few unexpected sensations, such as a breeze across his backside, bright sunlight in his eyes, and an urge to collect shiny objects and store them in his den to admire.

When he looked at his reflection in a nearby pond he discovered why—he was now a raccoon, with no glasses or clothing below the waist.

"Of course," he said to himself. "There are no humans in this fandom, and a lot of the characters don't wear pants."

This wasn't the first time that Marcus' appearance had changed in a fandom, but it was by far the weirdest. He'd never changed species before.

Once he got over the initial weirdness of being a two-dimensional bipedal raccoon (it took less time than you'd think), Marcus went to the town to obtain information.

When he got to the town, Marcus found the citizens crowding beside the street, watching a parade go by.

"What's the occasion?" Marcus asked Coop, the nerdy chicken who was currently holding the old Night Master's evil.

"You haven't buck-buck heard?" Coop clucked. "We're buck-buck celebrating the buck destruction of Eradicus."

"Yin, Yang, and Yo defeated him?" Marcus inquired, having a bad feeling he already knew the answer.

"Are you kidding?" replied Master Yo, the grumpy, old, and possibly last Woo Foo master or panda left, who was standing on Marcus' right with his students Yin and Yang, his pink and blue rabbit twin students. "I'm too lazy, and they're too undisciplined!"

"Hey!" Yin and Yang objected.

"Then who did defeat him?" Marcus asked.

"Take a buck look," Coop said, pointing at the next float. "Here she comes buck-buck now."

And there she was: an absolutely adorable purple rabbit girl with a bamboo sword slung across her back, looking so humble, despite her own parade. Next to her was the goat-like town president (not mayor—PRESIDENT!), President Muffin, milking it up as usual.

"Her name's Chi," Yang said. "Well, that's all I remember. She has the longest name I've ever heard."

"She showed up two days ago and used Woo Foo to destroy Eradicus and his minions." Yin elaborated.

"Now Woo Foo is finally getting the respect it deserves again," Master Yo finished. "I've already asked her to take over he dojo and take them off my hands so I can do whatever it is old people do when they finally have free time," he said, gesturing to his students.

Yin and Yang couldn't be happier about their new, not-grumpy master.

Marcus sighed. Chi had already charmed the heroes in this fandom. He'd have to gain help elsewhere.


The first choice for assistance was an easy one to make. There was one character in this fandom that would take this new rabbit girl's appearance and actions more personally than anyone, and was guaranteed not to like anyone, anyway. It was difficult locating him, but Marcus finally found him skinny dipping in the Stink Aardvark's slime moat.

"Excuse me," Marcus said, getting his attention.

The character replied with a loud belch, a scratch of his stomach, and a mean look toward the agent. Normally, Marcus would be at least a little insulted, but such was to be expected from Yuck, the unhygienic green rabbit formed from all the combined bad aspects of Yin and Yang.

"What do you want?" he growled. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You've heard of Chi, right?" the raccoon boy replied.

"Of course I have, stupid!" Yuck snarled. "That goody-goody freak destroyed Eradicus and took away my chance of being the greatest Woo Foo knight ever!"

"I thought so," Marcus said, not bothering to note that Yuck could never achieve such a title due to a lack of patience and ethics. "Well, how'd you like to beat her and take the title from her?"

Yuck thought for a second, then sneered and asked, "And why do you want me to do that?"

"I'm Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, here to arrest her for crimes against stories, and I could really use your help to bring her in. You're already stronger than Yin and Yang combined, and I need some muscle."

"Flattery gets you nowhere!" Yuck snapped. "I hate flatterers! And I don't help anyone but myself!"

"And here's the question," Marcus said, hoping his skills in psychology would work. "Who do you hate more: her, or me?"


Soon after Yuck dried off and slipped his shirt on, he and Marcus left for the Woo Foo dojo, arriving there with no real trouble. It was midday, and Yin and Yang were sparring in the outdoor arena as their new master supervised and their old master took another of his six-hour naps.

"She's distracted," Marcus whispered in his hiding place behind the very smelly Woo Foo outhouse. "Go on, now's your chance!"

"Don't ever tell me what to do!" Yuck hissed, but leapt and attacked Chi nonetheless. Brandishing a flaming bamboo sword, he attempted to slash her.

At the last second, Chi's perfect reflexes kicked in and she blocked with her own sword, sending Yuck flying back.

"Is that the best you've got?" Chi giggled, her students stepping in to watch their master fight. "Woo Foo lightning!"

In a heartbeat, a blast of lightning shot out of Chi's hands and zapped Yuck, leaving him charred and burned.

"Nobody zaps me!" Yuck shouted, leaping up and spinning around until he was more tornado than rabbit. "Yuck-icane!"

Chi was quickly sucked in and thrown back at the dojo wall, which she easily bounced off of and swiped the bottom of the tornado with her sword, snapping Yuck out of the cycle.

"Cheap shot, freak!" Yuck shouted as he landed on his back.

Now visibly mad, Chi brought out her finishing move.

"Woo Foo aura!" she shouted, taking a meditative position. At once, a giant purple energy rabbit formed around her, then delivered a swift kick to Yuck, sending him flying permanently out of this story.

"Hahaha!" Yang laughed as Chi's aura disappeared. "You totally kicked Yuck's butt!"

"Eh," Chi shrugged. "No big deal."

"It's still weird, though," Yin analyzed. "Yuck never just attacks out of nowhere. He always has some sort of plan."

Upon hearing this, Chi became slightly nervous. She'd been expecting this to happen soon. No problem, though. There was nothing she couldn't handle.


Marcus stopped in front of the grocery store and took a breather. He'd made a break for it as soon as Yuck lost. Clearly, he'd need more muscle for this. He quickly ran through all the show's villains in his mind. Ultimoose was strong, but not intelligent enough. Saranoia would be too proud of a woman achieving so much to stop her, Pondscum and the Chung Pow Kitties would be near-impossible to communicate with, Carl the Evil Cockroach Wizard was too unfocused in battle, Brother Herman couldn't get near the dojo due to his panda allergies, and Smoke and Mirrors would never relinquish Chi after capturing Chi to use as their own. The only one who'd probably be powerful enough to stop her was Frped, and he was far too fickle to trust.

Clearly, the only way to defeat Chi was to do it himself, and to do that he'd need a lot more power. Luckily, he knew just where to find it.


"All right," Marcus told the new class of Woo Foo students that had gathered in front of the dojo in the last few hours to learn from the great Chi. "Please move aside. I'm here to see Chi."

"We all are!" shouted Lina, Yang's turquoise girlfriend who's apparently a bear but doesn't look at all like one. "What makes you so special?"

"No," Chi said, suddenly looking serious. "Let him through."

"Thank you," Marcus said as he pulled a badge out of who-knows-where. "Now, Chi, I hereby place you under arrest for defeating a series' most important villain and leaving no chance of him returning."

Chi just laughed.

"I knew one of you Society twits was coming," she giggled. "But I never guessed it would be someone so dim-witted! I'll never go willingly! If you want me, you'll have to beat me!"

"Works for me," Marcus said, stone-faced.

Once again, Chi burst out laughing.

"What makes you think you can take me?" she cackled.

"I thought you'd never ask," the agent responded. Then, from the same place he got the badge, Marcus pulled out something else—a pair of briefs.

"The Woo Foo Undies of Unlimited Destiny?" Yin gasped.

"The what?" Yang asked, confused as usual.

"You remember," Yin told her brother. "From season one's 'Enter the Ant'?"

"Oh, yeah," Yang recalled. "It was the only time I ever wore underwear in the whole show."

"Right," Marcus said. "And whosoever wears them has their Woo Foo power increased ten-thousand percent, and—wait," he said, doing a double-take. "Did you guys just break the fourth wall?"

"Duh!" Yang replied. "We do it all the time!"

"We know this is a fandom," Yin explained. "And we know that Chi is a Mary-Sue, too, but as parts of the story, we can't really do much to help you."

"Plus we really don't want to," Yang added.

Marcus sighed and put on the tighty-whities, then spoke aloud his wish.

"I decree that I shall become as powerful as Chi without becoming a Gary-Stu!" he shouted. "And now, to activate their power! Pull! Self! Wedgie!"

And lo, as Marcus wedgied himself, he began to glow with a grey light. Smirking, he took a fighting stance.

"So," Chi sneered. "You get a little magic boost and you think you can defeat me? Well, think again! Foo orbs!"

At her words, two glowing energy orbs shot out of the Sue's hands and toward her opponent.

"Woo Foo racket!" Marcus announced, conjuring a tennis racket made of grey Woo Foo energy and sending the orbs right back.

"Foo field!" Chi shouted, surrounding herself with a force field just in time to shield her from the attack.

"That won't protect you!" Marcus yelled. "Paws of power!"

At his words, Marcus' fists swelled up to ten times their regular sizes and punched Chi—her Foo field still up—through the dojo wall before his paws returned to normal.

"That's it!" Chi screamed, brandishing her sword as she leapt back out. "Jam hammer!"

At that, Chi's sword turned into a sledgehammer with a jar of jam at the head. She struck Marcus with it, splattering blackberry jam everywhere.

"You may be as strong as me, but you don't have a weapon!" Chi shouted. "Now, Chi-arang!"

Chi's hammer now became a boomerang as she threw it at the agent with all of her might.

"Eh, it sounds cooler when Yang does it," Lina commented.

Marcus and Chi ignored her, focusing on the fight.

"Transfoomate!" the raccoon boy cried, firing a blast at the oncoming boomerang. The weapon turned into a butterfly and flew away.

"You were saying?" he chuckled.

"You'll pay for that!" Chi snarled. "Chi-cinerate!"

Upon these words, a wave of fire shot out of Chi's hands.

"And that's a much better pun when buck-buck Yin does it," Coop clucked.

"What, were these moves created especially for those two?" Lina asked.

"No problem," Marcus said, back at the fight. "Fooportate!"

Marcus disappeared and reappeared behind Chi, knocking her on her face.

"Woo Foo aura!" Chi screamed, leaping up and taking a meditative position. Once again, the giant purple energy rabbit formed around her.

"Anything you can do, I can do equally well!" Marcus jeered, mimicking the move and conjuring a giant grey energy raccoon.

The two auras began to duke it out, throwing punches and blocking to the best of their abilities. They pulled out all sorts of martial arts moves, as well as a few wrestling ones, until their tiny animal bodies couldn't take any more and the auras disappeared.

"And now, to end this!" Marcus shouted, pulling out his Prohibitor and running toward his opponent.

"Never!" Chi insisted, defiant to the end. "Transfoomate!"

At that second, Chi shot a blast out. The target: the Woo Foo Undies of Unlimited Destiny! The undies turned into a worthless pair of boxers and Marcus lost all of his new powers.

"Paws of power!" Chi laughed, her paws engorging as she punched Marcus to the ground, knocking him right out of his shorts.

Marcus groaned as he hit the ground.

"Now, to send the message to the Society!" the Sue cackled. "Woo Foo lightning!"

Marcus reacted quickly to his impending destruction. From the same place as the badge, the undies, and the Prohibitor, he pulled out the scene transition and activated it just before the blast could hit.


Marcus awoke on a moving locomotive to discover that his sweatshirt was gone, and so was all of his fur! There was only one place he could be—the super-secret Woo Foo shedding train (not to be confused with the super-secret Woo Foo training shed).

"Good thing this place is super-secret," he muttered, covering himself and trying to remember how he got here. To his surprise, the memories came to him easily. Using a daring and risky last-minute escape plan, he'd managed to get away and flee here. But that was two days ago, at least according to his memories.

"Okay," he thought. "She beat me and took my undies—gross!—and now there's absolutely no way I can overpower her, AND she'll be looking for me. What would the characters of this fandom do now?"

The answer was obvious—they'd have a flashback of something that Master Yo had said and get an idea from it.

Marcus gave it a shot. A second later, a thought balloon appeared over his head with the image of Master Yo in it.

"Are you kidding?" Memory-Yo said. "I'm too lazy, and they're too undisciplined!"

"No," the raccoon boy thought. "That's no good. Maybe something I wasn't actually there for?"

The flashback changed to Yo, now just a skeleton, standing in front of a mirror.

"I was right!" the panda skeleton exclaimed. "I am just big-boned!"

Suddenly, Master Yo's flesh and fur reappeared and his gut bulged out.

"Jiggly, jiggly bone," he said, poking it.

"Try again," Marcus thought.

The flashback changed again, this time to Master Yo eating a ham with Yin and Yang looking up at him.

"Um, Master Yo," Memory-Yin said. "Do you have any idea where that's been?"

"It sure didn't come out of the toilet," Memory-Yo replied, taking another bite and not knowing that that was exactly where it had come from.

"Oh, this is useless!" Marcus shouted, frustrated.

"Oh, yeah?" Memory-Yo said, clearly addressing Marcus. "Well, if I'm so useless, you can just get off this stupid train and come up with an idea yourself!"

With that, Memory-Yo slammed the thought balloon shut, making it disappear.

Marcus groaned, having lost the show's idea source and voice of "wisdom", but then thought about where he was. Then he thought about the episode where it appeared as a running gag.

Slowly, one last idea crept through his mind.


It wasn't nearly as hard for Marcus (whose fur had somehow grown back after he left the train) to find what he needed for this plan as it was to find the undies in that landfill. He was prepared in a few hours, marching up to the Woo Foo dojo with only a stack of golden papers.

"Ah, he returns," Chi laughed, holding up her sword, which she'd inexplicably recovered. "Ready to die?"

"Kill me and another agent will finish what I've started," the agent replied calmly. "But I have a proposal."

Chi paused for a moment.

"Go on," she finally said.

"I have here a contract," Marcus said, holding up the stack of papers. "It states, quite simply, that the Society is forbidden to interfere with anything you do, provided that you stay in this fandom. I've already signed my surrender, but to make it official you must sign, too. Do we have a deal?"

Chi snatched the contract and looked it over. With her speedreading skills and enormous legal vocabulary that she had for no good reason, she found that the contract stated exactly what Marcus said it did. He was on the level.

"Got a pen?" the Sue asked when she was done.

Marcus nodded and handed her a pen that he pulled out of the usual spot.

Chi eagerly signed her incredibly long full name on the equally incredibly long dotted line, ready to receive immunity.

Boy, was she surprised when two mittens appeared, opened her skull, scooped out her brain and eyes, placed a creepy-looking pink skull with red eyes inside her head, and put a sombrero made of tortilla chips on her brain. Though you've gotta admit, that hardly ever happens, especially in late January!

Well, she was probably surprised. It's a little hard to read a brain's emotions.

"Yes!" Chi's body shouted in a prissy male voice, ripping a coupon out of the carefully-cut hole in the contract. "I can't believe that that worked again! Now, with this unbeatable body, I, Mastermind, shall conquer this pathetic planet!"

"Yeah. Not quite," Marcus said, grabbing Chi's wrist in a tight hold and snatching the coupon and reading it aloud. "This coupon good for one free nacho sombrero if you give up your brain," he quoted. "Not permanent until sundown. Invalid if torn." Then he placed one end of the coupon in his teeth and ripped it in half.

The change was immediate. Mastermind's brain slipped back out of Chi's head and hers flew back in, leaving the sombrero behind. As soon as Chi got her body back, Marcus slammed the Prohibitor on her wrist and there was a bright flash of light that considerably weakened Chi and cleansed the fandom of all her Sue-ish past actions. The new Woo Foo students disappeared and Woo Foo became a laughingstock again. Master Yo could be heard in the dojo yelling at his students to stop throwing their dinners at each other, and in some remote location, Eradicus was probably plotting the destruction of Woo Foo.

"Okay, Chi," Marcus announced. "You're going away for a long time!"

"No!" Chi shouted, kicking Marcus in the shin and wrenching her arm free. "I won't go! And I know just how to avoid it!"

Chi, using her normal bunny speed, ran as fast as she could into the grotesquely smelly Woo Foo outhouse and locked the door behind her.

Marcus futilely attempted to break the door down as Chi chanted something inside.

"Chronologicum, hear my plea!
Remove the Prohibitor and take me
To the future, to stop more trouble!
Hurry up now! On the double!"

When Marcus finally got in, Chi was gone. He found the Prohibitor next to the hole (a small miracle that it hadn't fallen in), and saw how she'd escaped. She had used the Chronologicum, a magical hourglass with time-controlling properties, currently being used as a toilet paper holder.

The agent gritted his teeth and snatched up the Prohibitor, then opened a portal and returned to the Library Arcanium.


"Oh, it's good to be a three-dimensional human again!" the myoptic agent said, glad to be fully clothed as well.

"Nice work in the fight, man," Michael congratulated. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Thanks," Marcus replied. "But I think I'll stick with letting others do the fighting for me from now on, if it's all the sa—hold on!" he said, his eyes going wide. "How do you know about that?"

"We watched what happened," Tash explained. "After what you said about us not watching American cartoons, we decided to give Yin Yang Yo! a shot. It's actually pretty funny."

"It's also great to know that there are people we can be truthful about our missions with who won't think we're crazy," remarked Valerie, a confident-looking brunette. "Anyone who repeatedly breaks the fourth wall is potentially a useful ally."

"Too bad that Chi escaped, though," Blake lamented.

"Eh, she just went into the future," Marcus shrugged. "She'll be back someday, and when she comes, we'll be ready."

Monday, February 21, 2011

Insert Horribly-Named Ki Attack Here

The faint scribbling of papers was amongst the only things heard in the vast room that belonged to the blonde co-head of the Anti Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society, Tash.

"Why the bloody hell is there paper work?" She asked herself after pushing another piece off to the side. "We live in a society where we capture and kill Clichés… why do we need to file it out?"

"Gives you something to do when you're not out hunting yourself," Miri told her friend with a smile and a nod of his head.

"Shut up Miri," Tash giggled, "I'd rather be hunting."

"It's your own fault the Society grew so much, after all, if you hadn't spread the word so much, and then maybe, JUST maybe you'd have more time out there to hunt Willowe yourself!"

"Awww, then I wouldn't have you to talk to Miri-chan!" Tash grinned, glomping her seemingly out of no where. The red haired younger girl grinned and hugged her in return.

Suddenly, the communicator that Tash kept on her desk beeped, and the blonde grabbed it quickly. "Hello?" She asked into it.

"Oy! Tash! We got a MASSIVE spike in energy in one of the Fandom's. This one looks big." Emma's voice called out.

"Which one is it?" Tash asked, sitting up straight again.

Emma told her.

"Oh boy," Tash sweatdropped. "Okay…I'll send someone down to take care of it. No worries."

"Thanks," Emma's voice said before it went off.

"Oy!" Tash shouted out the open door. "Michael! Get in here real quick!"

Michael was in there in a matter of moments, mask and cloak missing but sword strapped to his hip still. "You called?" he asked hurriedly.

"Yeah, you got a job if you wanna take it," She said with a sigh. "Huge energy spike in the Dragonball Z Fandom."

"In the WHAT!" Michael exclaimed in horror.

Both girls blinked. "That's… bad?" Miri asked.

"Is it? The main characters in the show itself are powerful enough! A character can make a disk out of pure energy that can cut anything, and one can make a destructive ball of energy that can wipe off a good portion of the planet off! I shudder to think what the Gary Stu could do…"

"Oh… well, that's no problem, I think we can get someone else to take care of this one…" Tash mumbled.

"Hey, hey, hey, I didn't say I would TAKE it, I just said it would be dangerous." He chuckled a bit. "I'll go grab my stuff and be out in a minute."

And so he walked out, and Miri and Tash looked to each other.

"Think he can handle it?" Miri whispered.

"He's tough, he should be okay." Tash assured her. "Just to be sure… I'll keep some back up on the communicator just in case…"

"Be careful Aniki…" Miri whispered as she sat down and poked Tash on the cheek. "You got anymore of Adrian's cookies?"

"Those are MINE!"

"Pain is in my future," Michael said, sliding his mask onto his face. "TOTALLY didn't see that coming…" Sarcasm laced his words as he walked through the streets of the town of Hercule.

His name was Harold Alexander Belloe Something Or Other (his real name true story!) was one of the strongest beings in the universe. It was to be expected, being Vegeta's brother and all. He had spiky red hair that complimented the hardened look on his face and the Saiyen Armor he wore. He was a Saiyen, come on! Why shouldn't he be? Being a Gary Stu and all. His muscles were bulging, and the fact he was one of the strongest Super Saiyen's on the planet far from helped.

He was in fact so powerful he was able to defeat Vegeta, Goku, Gohan, Trunks, Goten, and numerous other fighters at the same time, all with his left hand behind his back and his eyes blind folded. Goku took an immediate liking to the warrior, and even after that he became a full on leader to the Z-Team.

Like others, he found himself smitten by the women of the fandom (and to his discomfort, even a few men) and merely wanted peace, finding himself far too "cool" to be dateable. He trained and trained and trained and trained and even trained some more, not stopping until he could prove he was the greatest warrior on the planet (dunno why… he all ready was…).

So he stood on a tall building in the town, his arms crossed and watched the traffic pass through, who knew what his mind was thinking about right now? Only he could—

"OY! YOU!" Michael shouted as he leapt onto Harold's building.

"Hey!" Harold whined as he spun around. "Don't interrupt my dramatic entrance speech!"

"Okay, look Stu." Michael said quickly. "I ain't got time to deal with witty banter, so if you wanna come peacefully, I can spare you the humiliation."

Harold smirked. "YOU? Humiliate me? There hasn't been a Society member around that has been able to humiliate me!" He cackled.

"Oh, I'd love to see that cockiness around when I'm scraping your face against the concrete…"

There was silence between the two fighters, and both narrowed the others eyes. Suddenly, Harold blinked, and Michael screamed, falling to his knees.

"What… the hell…." He gasped, his eyes wide in horror as he struggled to breathe.

Harold cackled. "You think you can beat me? I just broke a few of your rips with a blink of my eyes! You're WAY out of your league!"

And so he flew forward, and his knee connected with Michael's face. It cracked SOME form of bone, and he flew for miles and miles on end.

"Well… looks like it's time to go a searching." He chuckled grimly. He blasted off in the direction Michael was flying.

Michael hit the ground with a loud thud and skid for several more yards. With a groan, he pulled out his communicator. "Society… we have a problem…"

"What is it?" Tash asked. "You okay Mikey? You sound like you can barely breathe…"

"Something along those lines," Michael gasped. "This guy is HORRIBLY tough… he blinked at me and I think he broke a few bones!"

"Bloody hell!" Tash exclaimed.

"Aniki, are you okay?" Miri exclaimed through the communicator, as she heard the whole thing.

"Hold on guys, looks like he's coming in for round two!" He shouted, shut off the communicator and tucked it away.

And Harold was floating just above him, with his arms crossed. "Heh, whatsa matter, did that hurt?"

Michael groaned as he stood up, using his sword to keep him up and steady. "Bring it on you over muscled freak?" he grit his teeth and made the "bring it on" sign with his fingers. "Bring it on…"

Harold grinned. "Heh, oh I'll bring it on mate, you can believe that," he cracked his knuckles, and got into a tackling position. "Because when you go against a Super Saiyen 100, not a lot of people survive.

And so he began to transform.


His hair began to turn into a very glorious golden color, and his muscles bulged rather horrendously.


His eyebrows vanished, and his hair began to grow longer than that of a Super Saiyen Three.


His eyes turned into a majestic shade of emerald green, and his body began to grow slowly.


Ki bolts were racing all about his body, making it look as though his body was starting to conduct electricity.


He exploded with energy, making a deep crater, and smirked down at Michael. "Ready?"

"Oh, you're finished?" Michael asked, looking up from his cup of tea he was having. "Took you long enough…" he chucked the tea off to the side and stood up. "Bring it on!"

He didn't get much more than that, as Harold lifted his hands into the air and began to charge up a ball of energy that would put Goku's Spirit Ball to Shame.

"Oh blitz." Michael sweatdropped, and dashed down the field. It didn't take the ball of Ki long to shoot down and strike the ground, which ripped up a VERY impressive chunk of the earth and just KEPT going, until it hit Michael and made him scream in horror and pain as he was flung from the ground and into the air, screaming loudly "Oh bugger!"

He landed on the ground, cracking his ribs even further. He groaned and tried to turn over. His eyes widened when he saw that Harold was floating a few dozen yards above him… holding a Skyscraper.


He didn't get that much said after the Skyscraper flew down and crashed into his body and send steel and glass in all directions.

Harold laughed as he floated back down to the ground. "THAT was easy." He moved the glass away with a simple flick of his hair, and scooped up the broken boy.

"Ow…" was all he could get out as he was lifted into the air.

"Let this be a little lesson to the Society… don't… mess… with… Stus… and… Sues…" He pulled his fist back…

"Librarian Secret Art…" Called out a voice.

Both of them blinked. "What was that?" Harold asked.


A figure suddenly leapt out from in front of Harold and struck his foot into his face, a moments silence and shock between the two.

The figure stayed on the face of the Stu for a moment longer, until Harold cried out in shock and took a step back and dropped Michael.

He fell to the ground in a crumpled heap, blood and cuts all over his body. "Maybe I shouldn't have taken this job…"

"You okay?" Adrian exclaimed as he landed down beside Michael, his white hair flickering around him.

"As ready as I'll ever be when I got a Skyscraper dropped on me…" Michael groaned, his eyes rolling around his head. "Bloody hell am I glad to see some company…"

"Heh." Adrian chuckled.

"Fool!" Harold exclaimed, snarling (With a rather humorous boot print on his face now, mind you) I am perfection, I AM strength, I am your death!"

A flash of light, and suddenly he shrunk down.


"Prohibitors are great, aren't they?" asked Marcus from behind Harold, as the "Saiyen" was drained of all of his body. "Especially when you were a titan before and a wimp now."

Harold gawked and gulped. He took a step back.

Adrian grinned and took a step forward, cracking his knuckles. "I think I have some pent up frustration that's about to go all over your face… and stomach… and chest area…"

"I can go for some Stu whopping…' Michael grinned weakly, as he pulled his sword out.


"Hey you two, thanks again for helping." Michael said to Adrian and Marcus as Harold was tied up, beaten to near death and locked in the Library. "Thought I could take him…"

"No problem," Adrian said. "We Society Members need to watch each others back, cause lord knows no one else is…"

"You gonna be okay?" Marcus asked.

"I think… I just have a concussion… a broken bone or two… minor internal bleeding…"

"Well I know of something that can fix that," Adrian said as he walked over to a drawer. "Want a Starburst?"

"Ew… Yellow ones?"

Adrian twitched.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Insert Random Unnatural Phenomenon Here

Note: This is one of the very few 1st-person POV chapters. Told from Kyon's point of view.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm the one that Haruhi chose. Ever since being forcefully recruited for Haruhi's SOS Brigade, I've had no shortages of weird, reality defying encounters. I've been told that I won't remember this one, so I suppose I'll give thanks for that. Just a few hours ago while we, the members of the SOS Brigade minus Haruhi herself, were gathered in our clubroom, a young man about my age came to us and has been telling us of a dire threat to our world. I'd been calling him crazy if I hadn't already been in some unbelievable situations.

He identified himself as James Maverick, a "character" under the command of an "Author" who is busy doing something else at the moment. If I were to describe him, I'd say that he is a cross between myself and Nagato in terms of personality. He had short, dark hair of an undefinable color and wore so much black clothing that he must be boiling himself alive in this summer heat. He also gave off this aura of someone with a burden way too big for one person to handle.

"Excuse me, Kyon-san? Are you paying attention?" inquired James with a relatively flat tone, much like a teacher scolding a student.

"Unlike our absent leader, I am very capable of paying attention when someone's talking to me. So, what exactly is this dire threat to our world that you have been telling us about?" I replied in a way to get his attention off me and onto the subject at hand. The response he gave was not what I expected at all, even with all the time I've been in the SOS Brigade.

"Soon, your world will be visited by a Mary Sue and Gary Stu couple. By way of a special technique that most Authors use when selecting worlds to write about, it has been determined that they will be arriving around here shortly. Their names are Russell and Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Sandriline Delilah Aphrodite Bob Yuffiana Vipertooth Foxblade the Third." The similarity to Nagato that I saw in him was becoming obvious. I'm sure either of them could say that name five times fast with ease.

"Wait, when you say Mary Sue and Gary Stu... you mean the terms for over the top, good at everything they do, perfect characters from works of fiction? Oh joy, even more people with the ability to mess around with the world around them are coming." I could feel a headache coming on. "So how soon will they be arriving and what are you going to do to stop them?"

"They will be dropping out of a plothole on the field outside in five minutes, fourty-seven seconds. Our best course of action is to trap them as soon as they appear." I'd say that I wasn't surprised when Nagato was the one who responded, but then I'd be a liar. Apparently, she knows enough about this stuff that she is able to monitor it like she does with everything else.

"So, how do you know about this, Nagato?" I think I already know the answer, but it never hurts to confirm things.

"The Integrated Data Entity monitors all transdimensional traffic to and from this dimension. If this dimensional traveler hadn't come to this plane of time and space to deal with the encroaching threat, then the Integrated Data Entity would have commanded me to do it. In the three years that I have existed, I and many other humanoid interfaces have had to send away numerous dimensional travellers because they do not belong in this world. If we are dealing with Over the top, good at everything they do, perfect characters from works of fiction, as you described them, then most likely they have similar capabilities as any humanoid interface unit such as myself."

"Unfortunately, Mary Sues and Gary Stus are more on level with Haruhi-san in terms of reality manipulation. That's one of the reasons why they are so dangerous. Just by existing, they can bend reality around them to fit whatever desire they want. So far, the only way to deal with them is for an Author to self-insert into the world after the Mary Sue and/or Gary Stu has already arrived and capture them while restoring the damage they had dealt. However, these particular two have been plaguing various other worlds for some time now. It is the intent of my Author for me to ambush them here and take them to the Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society." Two people with reality warping powers along the same lines as Haruhi are coming here. I know I'm worried, it looks like Mikuru-chan is fretting about it, Koizumi actually looks serious for once and Nagato is Nagato.

"If this couple is able to bend reality to their whim, then how exactly are you going to stop them? You said that you're also a character... Do you have to be a Mary Sue or Gary Stu to match them?" This is in the front of my mind. I really want to know how powerful he is to be sent in his "Author's" place.

He shook his head and then pulled a device out of his pocket, holding it up for everyone present to see, "This is called a Prohibitor. The Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society recently began to make these. They are capable of suppressing the power of any Mary Sue/Gary Stu as well as restoring a world affected by said powers to its original plotline."

That doesn't make sense to me then. If he could just use that to suppress this Mary Sue/Gary Stu couple, then why doesn't it just do it and spare us of even knowing. I ask, "Why come to us then? Why not capture them on your own?"

He sighed in such a way as to indicate that he didn't want to explain, but he did anyway, "The Prohibitor is designed for Author usage. It hasn't been tested for use by Characters. I have no idea what's going to happen to my abilities when I activate this. By the way Nagato-san, how many minutes left?"

"Two minutes, nineteen seconds."

He grimaced almost privately, like it was more a thought in his head than the approaching problem that was painful. "Thank you. Now, the main reason I've been telling you all this is so you can assist me if something goes wrong. I'm not sure how much help you can be for this, but better than nothing I suppose. Makes me feel better at least."

Wait, makes him feel better? I think I've found the part of his personality that reminds me of me. Shaking my head to clear it, I ask, "What abilities do you have, exactly?"

He paused and thought for a moment before answering with, "Various offensive and defensive magic, several Psychokinetic powers, enhanced strength, senses, reflexes. Well, enhanced compared to your typical human. I'd have to say that I'm about fifty percent stronger than a person that competes in the World's Strongest Man competition, but considering some of the things I interact with on a daily basis, that's not much of an advantage."

I'd say that he doesn't need help, but with Mary Sues/Gary Stus having similar power to Haruhi only in control of it, then he'd need all the help he can get if something goes wrong. Not the most comforting thought. He starts talking again.

"Anyway, I'll take us down to the field. It'll only take a few moments and you'll feel weightless for that time, but it's completely safe."

I'd ask what he was talking about, but I get the feeling that I might be more willing to go along with it if I don't know what it is. I seem to get that feeling a lot around Haruhi. He held up his hands and muttered something I couldn't catch under his breath. I felt like I was about to leave the ground and then, what I was seeing changed. There was no transition, no moment of darkness from where we were to where we are. In less time than it takes to blink, we were taken from the club room to the schoolyard outside. Then my weight returned to me and I, in not expecting it, fell face first into the ground, hard.

Well, it wasn't too bad. Mikuru-chan came over and helped me up, asking me if I was alright in that cute, worried voice of hers. I could listen to that angelic voice of hers all day.

Nagato's voice cut through my thoughts like a gunshot, "One minute, thirteen seconds."

Two people are coming here to mess with the world as I know it even more than Haruhi does and they'll be here in about a minute. If I was actually able to do something to prevent that, I'm sure I wouldn't feel like something is going to go wrong. To make some conversation, I ask, "You said that your Prohibitor hasn't been tested for Character use...why not?"

He held up the device to look at it for a moment, then replied, "It's a specific kind of plot device. They are very fickle things if they aren't made for a purpose. Even then, they might malfunction just for 'comedy's sake'."

"Like in sitcoms?"

Nodding, he lowered his arm. The silence was oppressive, like it's anticipating some catastrophic event to end its existence. I shouldn't think of it as a catastrophic event because, for all I know, that's exactly what it'll be. Why doesn't the other shoe drop already?

As if in answer to my plea, a dark hole ripped itself into the sky. Out of it fell two people, who landed with an unnatural grace. I got a good look at the new arrivals. They were hideously beautiful, the kind of "perfect" that seems custom-made to cause gagging. The Mary Sue's auburn hair reached down to her ankles with big violet eyes blinking in confusion. Her skin was flawlessly pale and her body was so perfectly toned, it was sickening.

The Gary Stu, on the other hand, seemed to be a copied and then reworked Link from Legend of Zelda. He wore a flawless white tunic, which only seemed to accent his blindingly blond hair and disturbing white eyes. Saying he was a pretty boy would be insulting to other pretty boys. Now I'm really glad that Haruhi isn't here, she'd have a field day with this.

Our visitor, James, took a few steps forward and declared, "In the name of the Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society, as the chosen avatar of my Author, I hereby place you, Russell and Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurella Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Sandriline Delilah Aphrodite Bob Yuffiana Vipertooth Foxblade the Third under arrest!"

The Gary Stu, I'm assuming that's Russell, stepped in front of the Mary Sue protectively and retorted, "We haven't even been here for a minute and already you step in to bother us. Leave us alone, dang it! Don't you know our tragic past?"

James held up his empty hand in a stopping gesture, then replied, "Don't know, don't care, doesn't matter. Your kind plague works of fiction and it's the Society's job to keep all fandoms safe from your disgusting corruption."

Willowe spat from behind Russell, "And what are you going to do about it? I can tell you aren't a Gary Stu like my boyfriend here. What makes you think you can compete with a Mary Sue AND a Gary Stu?"

He held up the Prohibitor and the two corruptors took a step back in fear.

"Are you CRAZY? Don't you know what that thing is capable of?" Willowe spouted, almost in hysterics.

"Of doing to you, then yes, I know. Of what it might do to me, then no, I don't," if I could see his face, I could almost imagine him smiling while he next said, "Exciting, isn't it? The reason I believe no one should be perfect. Not knowing when something could go wrong and always striving to do better are some of the best reasons to be alive."

Russell spat, "Why should 'not knowing when something could go wrong' be a good reason to be alive? With everything perfect, then nothing can go wrong and everyone's happy."

"To quote the painter, Bob Ross; 'It may sound cruel, but I hope you are plagued with dissatisfaction your entire life. That way, you will always strive to go back and do better.' One of the kindest people I know of and he's right too. There's no such thing as 'good enough'!" James shot back.

Willowe seemed to take offense to James' remark, "No such thing as 'good enough'? Perfect IS good enough! We are perfect so it's up to us to make everything else perfect! No more sadness and no more pain!"

James shook his head, "Turn sadness into kindness and turn pain into strength. While there is never a good reason to cause suffering, only those who work a hard, honest life should be allowed to rest their burdens in a Utopia. The only regret someone should have is the wondering if they could have done more. Either way, you Sues are bringing ruination to fandoms and that has to stop."

Lifting the Prohibitor above his head, he pressed a button on its side. A bad feeling washed over me as it began to spark. In a flash of light; James, Russell, and Willowe were engulfed in a expanding white dome. I quickly shielded my eyes, waiting for the brightness to stop. And stop it did, after a few moments. In the middle of the schoolyard was a crater that was a few feet away from my feet. Confusion ran through my mind as I tried to figure out what happened. Koizumi said it best when he turned towards everyone and asked, "Um, what are we doing outside the club room?"

Lightning struck me as I realized that Haruhi was going to be ticked when she enters the club room and no one is there. Both me and Mikuru-chan scramble away in near sprint and Koizumi taking off with us at a jog. It a moment later that I turned back and saw Nagato staring at the crater. Normally, I'd wonder what she was looking at, but I really don't want to get in trouble with Haruhi right now.

"Hey, Nagato. Hurry up!"

Turning on the spot, she fluttered after me. Continuing my own rush, I had a feeling that I was going to catch hell from Haruhi.


James was kneeling in front of Tash, the tall, blond head of the Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society. He had just finished his report on ambushing Russell and Willowe.

"Let me get this straight. You had a small philosophical debate with them before activating the Prohibitor. Then, when it had activated, it flung you right back here while Russell and Willowe were tossed who knows where, is this correct?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And what happened to the Prohibitor?"

"Broken, ma'am."

"Very well then. You may return to your world now. Tell your Author that he'd better go do it next time we call on him." She scowl was frightening.

James started to fade away as he replied, "I'll make sure he gets that message, ma'am."

Tash sighed, "Well, at least we know now not to send characters to do Author work. Russell and Willowe are still on the loose and now we don't know where. Oh well, we'll know when they resurface."

Insert Badly-Deteriorated Hedgehog Here (lost)

Number 2 of GamerBlake90's planned trilogy, and the last one to ever hit FFN. The third simply never came. As per usual, here is the wikia summary and an extra chapter posted. Enjoy!

"Not only does Blake have to return the Chaos Emerald to the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom… he also has to apprehend a Gary Stu… named Flare the Hedgehog. That’s right, the Stu is a hedgehog! Once again, Blake fails to capture the target, but then Flare leaves a challenge for a riding-duel in the Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds fandom, but without setting a time limit. The invitation is clearly a trap, but what's an agent to do?"

Canonically, Blake's character is said to have left the Society some time after this. Other writers continued using his character for a time before the stories were deleted, but just take it as written that he quit as soon as he stopped appearing in others' stories.

Appologies for the inconvenience. The next chapter will also be up today.


Resident Healer
Current Blog Updater
Only Psychologist In The Room (It's A Big Room)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Insert Dreadful-Sounding Ghost Story Here

"Is that all you've got?" Danny Phantom laughed, easily avoiding another of Technus's mechanical tentacles. "My grandma fights harder!"

"Make witty banter all you like, child," Technus jeered. "But this time, I, Technus, master of all things computerized and beeping, shall destroy you!"

At that moment, one of the tentacles slammed Danny into the office building behind him, pinning him to the wall.

No problem. Danny would just go intangible, escape, then go over and blast Technus from behind.

But he never got the chance.

Out of nowhere, an ecto-blast hit Technus in the back of the head, knocking him to the ground, unconscious.

Danny took a good look at his unnecessary savior. She was an impossibly beautiful ghost girl with pure white hair in a ponytail down to her waist, glowing green eyes, and an absolutely perfect body held in a black spandex suit.

"Thanks for the help," Danny said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh…"

"Spirit," the ghost girl smirked. "And it's no big deal. With Technus, you just have to know which buttons to push."

Danny couldn't help but laugh at this line as Spirit pulled out what looked just like a pink Fenton Thermos and sucked Technus into it. He didn't question where she got it. Why would he question anything about this perfect girl? He just thanked her again and left.


Two days later, Danny got a distress call. Youngblood and his ghostly crew were invading the beach.
Danny zoomed off to assist, but when he arrived, he found only Spirit and a crowd chanting her name. She had beaten him to the punch.


The next day, Danny caught a live newscast of Ember terrorizing a movie theater, but before he could even go ghost, Spirit arrived on the scene and sucked Ember into her thermos.

And so it went. The ghosts kept attacking, and Spirit kept defeating them with no trouble at all. Skulker even switched her to his new top quarry. Nobody found her suspicious. Not even Danny's ghost-hunting parents. How could someone so perfect be a problem, even if they were a ghost?

Well, half-ghost, anyway. Danny discovered her in his history class with jet-black hair, blue eyes, and a ridiculously long name. She had recently transferred in and proceeded to get perfect grades and become the most popular girl in school.

After a while, Danny stopped showing up to distress calls. Undergrowth, Vortex, Sheriff Walker—Spirit handled everything. If it weren't for the giant statue of him in the middle of the city, Danny Phantom would've been forgotten entirely. He didn't care. This was a good thing. Now he had time for what a teenager should be focusing on: friends, family, school, sports, dating, and maybe finding a job. The sky was the limit.


Three weeks after Spirit arrived, Danny was in English class when an announcement came over the P.A.

"Danny Fenton," it said. "Please report to the principal's office. Thank you."

The voice was not Principal Ishiyama's.

Nontheless, Mr. Lancer excused Danny and sent him down to the office.

To his surprise, Danny found someone in the office whom he'd never seen before. It was a boy, barely eighteen and somewhat chunky, wearing a black sweatshirt and sweatpants and wire-frame glasses covered by clip-on shades. He had badly unkempt black hair, and traces of a goatee to match. All in all, not very intimidating.

"Hello, Danny," the boy said kindly. "It's very nice to meet you."

"Cut the pleasantries!" Danny shouted. "Who are you? Why did you call me here? And where's Principal Ishiyama?"

"Principal Ishiyama left temporarily," the boy said. "She was never a fan favorite, anyway. And I called you here to ask for your help. I'm Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, and I'm apprehending a dangerous criminal—the one you know as 'Spirit'."

"Spirit's a criminal?" Danny exclaimed. "No way! She's helping the whole town!"

"She shouldn't be," Marcus replied calmly. "She's doing your job, and that is damaging a fragile storyline. Even the fandom's name makes no sense now."

"Look," Danny said, getting frustrated. "I don't know who you are or what you're talking about, but I'm not about to help a complete stranger who's probably off his nut arrest a great girl who's doing my job for me for nothing!"

Marcus sighed, then resorted to psychology.

"Have you ever noticed that when someone new comes to town and starts hunting ghosts they tend to have an ulterior motive behind them?" he asked. "Valerie, Vlad, the Guys in White, Master's Blasters…Why do you think Spirit is any different?"

"Well, if she hasn't done anything in three weeks…" Danny said feebly.

"Tell me, Danny," Marcus said. "When was the last time you used your powers?"

"Um… about two weeks ago," Danny replied, blushing.

"I'll bet they're getting rusty," the agent told him. "I can see Spirit's plan. She's intimidated after you saved the world and is doing your work so you won't get practice. Now she can beat you in a direct fight."

Marcus held his breath, waiting to see if Danny would swallow this story.

"What's your plan?" Danny inquired.


That afternoon, Marcus and Danny went to the roof of the FentonWorks and waited for Spirit to pass by over them.

"Spirit," Marcus shouted when she did. "I hereby place you under arrest for interfering with various plots!"

Spirit just laughed and continued flying over them.

"That's it!" Danny shouted. "I'm going ghost!"

It took him a minute (much longer than usual), but Danny managed to change into his ghost form and chased after Spirit.

"Pull over, ma'am," he jeered. "I think the officer wants to see your license!"

"Oh, shut it, Phantom!" Spirit shouted, firing an ecto-blast that sent him hurtling into the street. "This isn't your fandom anymore!"

Danny barely managed to pull up and get back into the air, after which he tried to punch Spirit. She just laughed and flew behind him, then knocked him back down onto the roof.

"Come on, Danny!" Marcus urged. "I need you for this!"

Danny grunted in response, but then flew back up above Spirit.

"Try this!" the ghost boy shouted.

At that moment, Danny let loose a loud, moaning noise made of clearly visible green sound waves. The power of the ghostly wail was so great that even Spirit couldn't take it unprepared. She came crashing down in front of Marcus as Danny ceased and suddenly reverted to his human form, falling and landing on his stomach nearby.

Marcus wasted no time in placing a prohibitor on Spirit's arm. There was a bright flash of light and Danny disappeared, but Spirit just laughed.

"No-go, officer," she cackled. "You may have erased my past actions and taken most of my powers, but you forgot that even the weakest ghosts in this fandom can do this!"

With no effort at all, Spirit turned intangible and the prohibitor dropped right off.

"And now," she said, flying back up and preparing to blast her pursuer. "It's time to finish you once and for all!"

Marcus froze and waited for his imminent demise, but it never came. Instead, a figure emerged through the roof and grabbed Marcus and the prohibitor just in time to avoid the blast, then flew up to Spirit, still intangible, and placed the prohibitor inside her chest before becoming tangible again and placing Marcus back on the roof after another flash of light.

Marcus took the time to get a good look at his savior—a blue ghost man with a blue cloak and a staff with a clock on top. At least, he was for a second. Then he was an old man ghost with a long beard, and then a toddler. He just kept changing through them.

"Clockwork?" Marcus exclaimed. "Thank you, but… why?"

"I am sworn to protect and enforce the proper flow of time and its events," Clockwork replied. "When this girl toyed with reality, I had to act. Your prohibitor is trapped intangible inside her. Physical or intangible, she cannot remove it—a trick I learned from an enemy of mine."

True enough, Spirit kept going intangible, but the prohibitor just wouldn't come out.

"You may complete your mission now," Clockwork said with a smile.

Marcus smiled and held up his exact duplicate of the Fenton Thermos and sucked Spirit in, trapping her inside.

"That should fix the time/space continuum," Clockwork said. "Thank you for your help, Agent Marcus, and good luck on further missions. Should you return, I will be glad to assist you."


"Well, it's good to know we have one ally who's immune to the time/space changes we make so often," Tash said, taking the thermos after Marcus finished his report.

"That's just one fandom, Tash," said Blake, a tall boy with spiky blonde hair. "There are hundreds more of 'em."

"Hey," Marcus shrugged. "Every little bit helps."

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Insert Exceptionally Dramatic Clow Card Here

A cheek was peeled slowly off the paperwork scattered on the desk, and an irritated scowl appeared as the reason for the woman's rude awakening became clear – one of the communicators was ringing very loudly in her ear.

"This better be a matter of life and death," she growled down the communicator.

"Good morning to you too Tash," Emma said. "We have a bit of a situation."

The co-head of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society sat bolt upright, stubbing her toe on the leg of the desk as she did. The field reports on her desk scattered to the ground and she bit back the urge to curse.

"A Willowe situation?" she asked hopefully. "Did you find her?"

"Sadly no. We did find someone else… you know her rebellious, sequel-fodder younger sisters?"

"…you are kidding…" Tash muttered, sinking against her chair again.

"I wish I was," Emma said. "The good news is we have a lock on two of them."

"I'll go after one," Tash volunteered. "Which fandoms?"

Anyone outside the room heard a long volley of bad language before Tash stormed out, and hastily placed another call to another two Society members.

"Miriku, Michael, I need your help."


Meanwhile at Tomoeda Elementary School, a twelve year old girl seated herself next to Sakura Kinomoto. The pre-teen girl gave her a warm smile.

"You did well on that test Juniper-chan," she congratulated. Juniper Skye Broadband Topaz Veronica Esme Foxblade just smiled back, trying to look modest, a pretty blush staining her perfectly high cheekbones.

"Thank you Sakura-chan," she said, taking her chopsticks and starting on her lunch. "Have you seen Tomoya-chan? I wanted to go over outfits with her."

Sakura thought for a second before smiling again, this time mischievously. "I think she is with Eriol-kun…I'm pretty sure she likes him."

"The same way you like Syaoran-kun?" Juniper asked innocently. A cherry coloured blush spread all over Sakura's cheeks, but she nodded nonetheless.

"Y-yeah…" she went back to her food. Juniper let out a melodious laugh, and thumbed through her book while she ate, pausing at the front cover. A photograph of a beautiful young woman was taped to the front. Juniper fingered her shoulder length auburn hair, the same shade as the figure in the photograph.

"Who's she?" Both girls jumped (Juniper rather gracefully, Sakura squeaking in surprise) as Syaoran leaned over Juniper's shoulder to see the photograph. Truthfully, the young boy was rather taken by the striking woman in the picture, for she was incredibly beautiful.

"That's my sister," Juniper explained, her voice turning sad. Sakura shifted closer, her eyes sympathetic.

"What's her name?" she asked.

"Her name is Willowe," Juniper said. "People say I'm a lot like her… but she's much more amazing than me."

"Not possible," Syaoran said without thinking. Sakura gave him a slightly hurt look, and Juniper continued.

"She left me and my sisters to fend for ourselves… she said she was going to try and find a better life for us… I think she wanted to try and find our brother too. He went missing after our parents died."

Her sapphire coloured eyes were filled with tears that did not fall.

"We're sorry," Syaoran said, in a rare show of sympathy for someone who was not Sakura. Juniper smiled and pulled out another photograph, this one with more (amazingly beautiful) people in it.

"These are all my other sisters," she explained. "This was taken after Willowe left. There's me, Holly, the twins – Ashley and Aspen – and Palm Tree."

"…Palm Tree?" Syaoran asked, sure he had heard wrong. Juniper frowned, working her Sueish magic.

"Yes, my parents wanted a name that was exotic…is there a problem?"

Syaoran immediately felt guilty for sounding disbelieving. He did not know, that his guilt was actually a result of the spell Juniper's presence cast over everyone.

"Have you heard from her?" Sakura asked. "Willowe I mean?" Juniper shook her head.

"No. Alastor – my brother has though. They've been in contact recently. She's still searching for a home for us all. We can be a family again."

"So you found your brother?" Syaoran confirmed, wondering idly if this Alastor was half as intimidating as Sakura's brother Toya…and then he wondered why he cared so much.

"Yes," Juniper nodded. "He looks after me now."


"I still don't get why you dragged me out here," Michael complained, securing his Shakespearian Mask to his face. All three of them were waiting outside the school, debating on the best way to get in – through the front door was sounding like the most appealing option so far.

"Because I'm not thick enough to take Willowe's sister out on my own?" Tash said in a dry voice tugging her hat further down her forehead. "And besides, everyone else was busy except you two."

"I was busy," Michael retorted. "I was tracking down Alastor. I'm a Gary-Stu hunter, not a Mary-Sue hunter."

"Well consider it a day of trying new things Aniki," Miriku smiled, producing a squished box from her bag. "Cookie?"

"Where did you get those?" Michael asked, taking one.

"From under Tashy's desk," Miriku admitted.

"Where did you get cookies from?" Michael turned to Tash, who snatched the box away.

"I nicked them from Adrian's library," Tash said, before adding petulantly. "Don't steal my cookies!"

"They're not your cookies though Tashy," Miriku pointed out with a mischievous grin, while Tash gawped like an idiot, unable to think of a reasonable retort. Michael however, suddenly growled and dropped the remainder of his cookie.

"You're kidding," he muttered, ripping his sword from where it was sheathed. "Stay on our little Mary-Sue you two."

"Where are you going Aniki?" Miriku asked.

"To gut a Stu…" was the not-so-elaborate response.


Juniper was frowning to herself, as she stood in the corridor, her forehead creased in an artistic manner. She was annoyed that she had not yet managed to work her way into Syaoran or Eriol's hearts yet. As a Mary-Sue, she should have won them over. They both accepted her as a friend, but none of them had made any romantic suggestions yet. Juniper guessed that it was because she was only twelve and her Sue powers had not fully developed yet. She would just have to be patient.

She knew she had to be careful though. Alastor had warned her of a notorious group of people wanting to hunt their family and other people like them down. The infamous Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society. They were not as brilliant as Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus and certainly not as powerful, but they had their own powers – author powers.

Speaking of the Society, she had a funny feeling that she was being watched, and she whipped around and ducked out of the way, as a body came charging at her, and collided into the wall with a resounding crack instead.


"Tashy! You're in a school! Mind your language!"

"You charge face first into a wall, and we'll see how much swearing you're doing!" the young woman wailed, clutching her nose which looked broken from the amount of blood she was shedding.

"The Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society I presume?" Juniper summarised.

"That's us!" Miriku proclaimed proudly, throwing off her trenchcoat to reveal her Society T-shirt. "You're under arrest!"

"On what charges?" Juniper demanded, moving as close as she could to the corridor window.

"Mutilating this fandom," Miriku stated. "Now come quietly and no one gets hurt…"

"You wish!" Juniper said, and with a tremendous explosion, the wall of the school crumbled behind her and she jumped through the hole, and hovered in midair. As the dust began to settle, the fire bell in the school suddenly went off and the sprinklers activated.

"Miri," Tash coughed (not pleasant when your nose is broken too). "You okay?"

"Just a slight loss of dignity," Miriku sat up rubbing her head, and looking out at Juniper. "How is she doing that?"

Juniper smiled prettily, an ominous glow coming from between her hands, which hovered by her chest. In the centre of this was what looked like a card, shining with a golden light.

"A Clow Card?" Tash spluttered. "How is that possible?...wait, she's a Mary-Sue, of course it's possible!"

"Now what do we do?" Miriku asked, getting to her feet.

"Nothing!" Juniper boasted. "I have this fandom in my grasp thanks to the Reality Card – everything falls under my control!"


"You found me then?" Alastor Everworthy Percival Francisco Kiang the Eighth asked, lifting an eyebrow as Michael stepped out from behind a tree.

"Willowe's sister was here," Michael shrugged, removing his mask. "You're her brother…I should have realised it ages ago."

"And yet it took me showing myself to you in order for that to happen," Alastor smirked, pulling out a small circular disk on the end of a string. It glowed and a sword appeared in its place (like Syaoran's did). Michael braced himself for a fight…just as the corridor above their heads blew sky high, and Juniper Foxblade was suddenly seen hovering amongst the wreckage.

"Shit…" Michael swore.

"Ah…I see little sister has met your comrades," Alastor smirked. "Now tell me, will you fight me, or risk losing your friends?"

Michael gave him a filthy glare before turning and racing towards the wreckage. Alastor shook his head.

"So predictable," he muttered before looking up at the sky. "Now let's see what Juniper is up to."


"Juniper-chan!" Sakura raced through the wreckage, her sealing staff in one hand, Kero at her heels. Syaoran was following closely, his own sword at the ready. They had heard the explosion and come running towards the danger (as all protagonists do). What they did not expect to see was Juniper hovering above the hole in the corridor, and two strange women lying in amongst the rubble.

"Sakura-chan," Juniper smiled. "These two were trying to take my Clow Card from me, so I had to use it to protect myself."

"You blew a hole in the wall!" Miriku shouted incredulously. "How is that protecting yourself?"

Sakura and Syaoran ignored the strange girl and focused instead on their friend. Kero's eyes were focused on the Clow Card instead.

"You need to be careful!" Sakura shouted, fingering her own Sakura Cards should the need to use them arrive. "That card could destroy everything!"

"I know!" Juniper shouted back. "But if I have to use it to stop these two from hurting other people that I care about in this school then I will!"

"Oh for the love of the Gods…" Tash muttered, though it came out strangely due to her broken nose. She fumbled with one hand in her pocket and pulled out a strange looking device. "So glad I'm writing a fanfic…"

"A plot device?" Juniper gasped.

"Yup!" Tash smirked, and Miriku's grin suddenly became unholy.

"Bye bye pretty girl!" she hissed.

"Sakura!" Juniper shouted. "Do something! Please!"

Sakura reacted without thinking, worried for the safety of her friend over what appeared to be a danger. She pulled the top card out and cast it – it was the Windy Card, and hurricane like winds sprung up around the school, causing all the dust and concrete to take flight again. Juniper, who couldn't stay in the air thanks to the winds, settled back down onto the ruined floor. The plot device blew out of Tash's hand.

"No!" Tash yelled in frustration, but there was nothing she could do, as a chunk of concrete slammed into her head from the gale force winds and knocked her out.

"Tashy!" Miriku's voice was drowned out by the gale, and immediately her eyes turned golden yellow as she began to crawl towards the discarded plot device.

"You can't hurt me!" Juniper taunted.

"Yes I can!" Miriku snapped and quickly activated the plot device, causing the fabric of reality to start warping. Juniper gave a scream of fear, and Sakura and Syaoran raced closer towards the utterly bizarre scene, their hair and clothes whipped around by the raging winds.

For a second, nothing moved…

And then three more figures appeared out of the dust, standing next to Juniper with smiles on their very similar looking faces.

Miriku's eyes went wide in horror.


In attempting to get rid of the Mary-Sue, she had inadvertently made the situation worse…three times worse.

"Juniper?" the smallest newcomer asked curiously. Juniper smiled, her wide eyes filling with tears of disbelief and joy.

"My sisters!"

At this point, Alastor clambered up the side of the ruined school building and stood beside his, almost completely reunited family, looking strong and indecently masculine as he observed his hugging, tearful sisters.

"Well…" he shrugged. "I suppose I'll finish you both."

He never got the chance though. Beneath the feet of the reunited family, a black hole suddenly appeared. The girls screamed, and Alastor gave an angry yell as all of them vanished through the mysterious gap in the fandom. The Windy Card vanished and the world suddenly settled back to normal.

"What was that?" Miriku asked, completely stunned by the bizarre and random turn of events. She grinned as she saw a familiar face clambering up the side of the building. "Michael!"

"Heh. Couldn't let you get killed," Michael shrugged, allowing the small girl to glomp him. "Though climbing up with one hand and summoning that plot hole at the same time was not easy," he admitted. "Especially in that wind."

"It still worked," Miriku nodded. "Guess we failed this mission…and now all of Willowe's sisters are here…except one. I don't know if you noticed but…"

"Holly was missing," Michael nodded. "Tash said there was another of Willowe's sisters running around another fandom – the one Emma is dealing with right now."

"Let's hope they have more luck," Miriku muttered, looking down at their friend. "Speaking of Tash, who's lugging the unconscious body back to HQ?"


Juniper gathered Ashley, Aspen and Palm Tree into her arms. Alastor had been torn from them somewhere in the plot hole and she had not seen where he had gone. Now they had been dumped in another fandom and they were all alone again. She sniffed. Would nothing in her life go right?

"June?" Palm Tree, who was eight years old and the youngest, tugged on her uniform sleeve. "Where is Willowe? And Holly? Did you not find them?"

"And who was that boy?" Ashley demanded. Her twin, Aspen, clung to her arm, fluttering her eyelashes cutely as she tried to blink back tears.

"That was Alastor. Our brother," Juniper elaborated. "And I don't know where Willowe and Holly are…but we'll find them! I promise you!"


"We lost the Sue," Miriku grumbled, munching on the last cookie in the box.

"I lost the Stu," Michael growled, sitting beside a pile of library books.

"I lost my hat!" Tash whined, slapping an ice pack over her forehead.

"Given the circumstances," Harriet said, shaking her head. "Let's just be glad you didn't lose your lives…"