The Things That Make Us Human

Ten months ago...

In the dark room the light from the laptop's screen cast a pale glow across the girl's face. She sat in bed, covers pulled up to her waist as her fingers flew across the keyboard of the laptop on her lap. The only
sounds in the room were the clicking of the keyboard and the faint music leaking from the earbuds jammed firmly in the girl's ears.

She smiled with relief as she finished her final keystroke with a flourish. This was the greatest story she'd ever written, her masterpiece. It was perfect, she couldn't wait to hear what her friends would have to say about this. After all, it seemed that they were the only ones who understood her genius.

Her finger started for the Enter key, when a sudden movement on the screen caught her eye.

An "I" and an "E" had switched places.

She frowned. She must have made a typo. Her finger diverted from its course towards the Enter key and headed for the Backspace key instead.

Another word twitched. She blinked. What in the world?

Suddenly, the word exploded into letters and began to blast around her text editor like snowflakes in a snowstorm. She could only stare in shock at the loose letters for a moment before several other words followed suit and dissolved into letters.

"What's going on?" she shouted, banging on her Backspace key desperately, but to no avail. "No!" She cried desperately, watching in horror as her story self-destructed before her very eyes.

Within seconds her laptop's screen had become a hurricane of consonants and vowels that ricoched around the screen for several seconds before re-arranging themselves to form entirely new words and sentences.

After several minutes the storm had subsided. Almost automatically, the stunned girl returned to the top of the document and scrolled down slowly, re-reading her forcibly-rewritten story. At first her eyes were blank and questioning, but by the time her scrollbar had reached the bottom of the screen, her eyes were as cold as ice.

"You'll pay for this." she whispered hatefully into the dark room.

The laptop didn't respond.

-

Present Day...

"ATCHOO!" Lily's head almost collided with the table from the force of her sneeze.

"Are you okay?" Karissa asked as she sat back up.

"Yeah," Lily replied weakly, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "I didn't knock anything off, did I?"

"I don't think so." Karissa gave the table a quick scan.

The table was covered in craft supplies of every conceivable nature, most having been shoved to one side in favor of other, more attractive baubles, or had been cannibalized for some of their better elements. In the middle of the table sat the fruits of the two girl's labors.

Two bracelets lay gleaming in the light. One seemed to be made of spun silver and twisted and twined back on and around itself several times. Three of Lily's Pins were soldered directly onto the metal, the elegant Excalibur, the colorful Ice Blow and the skeletal serpent head of Anguis.

The other bracelet was relatively simple and was made of a plain single chain. From smaller chains attached to it hung the engraved Top Gear, graffiti-style Wild Line and oriental tiger face of Live Slow, Die Fast.

Karissa continued packing up the assorted craft supplies as Lily tried the two bracelets on. "Well, do they fit?" she asked.

Lily flexed her wrists experimentally. "They fit great!" she exclaimed. "Thanks, Karissa!"

At first Lily had simply attached her Pins onto a pair of non-descript elastic hair bands, but quickly tired of their blandness. She had asked Karissa for help in constructing a more aesthetically pleasing pair of bracelets and the two had spent several hours constructing the accessories, the first few of which were spent on deciding the bracelet's design.

"I'm gonna go show these to Ben." Lily said, the Pins on her wrists clinking as she stood. "Do you know where he is?"

Karissa bit her lip. "I think he's the one administering the test for Rookies today." she said, as she swept several beads into a box. "You go on ahead. I can clean up here."

"Thanks!" Lily called again over her shoulder as she hurried off.

-

Ben swept his gaze across the assembled applicants in the testing room.

Half of the assembled applicants were casting nervous glances over into one corner of the room where Shirley was leaning against the wall, sulking. The other half were too afraid to look period. Shirley had been forbidden from attacking Ben during the testing process so she wouldn't disturb the applicants more than she usually would have. This basically gave Ben free reign to make as many bad jokes and puns as he liked, something which he intended to take full advantage of.

Ben smirked. He was planning on having some fun with this particular group.

He gestured with the sheaf of papers he held.

"I have in my hand here a written test which will help determine if you are worthy to become a Rookie Agent of the Anti-Clichè and Mary-Sue Elimination Society." He addressed the assembled test-takers. "If you pass, you will only be given a cursory training course before you are thrust head-first into combat against ridiculously powerful, overly-perfect beings, many of whom have never known defeat, and nearly all of whom will do their considerable best to kill you. If you fail this test we will violate your mind and erase any memory of our existence and you will live out the rest of your life in complacency, never knowing that inside your favorite books, movies and video games we are waging a war to keep you and yours safe. And on the off chance that you answer certain questions wrong we will automatically assume you are one of afore-said overly-perfect beings and we will throw you into a dark, dank jail cell in the basement without any form of a trial."

 The applicants looked terrified.

Ben gave another smirk and made the Vulcan hand symbol. "May the Force be with you."

Nobody laughed. Shirley growled.

"Geez, tough crowd." Ben muttered as he started distributing the tests out.

One girl looked up and blinked as he set her test down in front of her.

"Um, excuse me?" she asked.

Ben turned back. "Yes?"

The girl bit her lip. "You're Ben, right?"

Ben nodded. "Yeah..." She looks kinda familiar... have we met somewhere before?

She smiled in relief. "I thought so, I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you."

"Meet me? Why?"

"I'm Bella's Author."

Shirley's had been staring at the ground, but at this, her head shot up.

Ben blinked. "You're..."

Lily's Author nodded. "I know I caused a lot of trouble for you and I'm sorry. I was hoping to join the Society so I could make up for what I've done."

Ben felt a smile creep across his face. Lily would be ecstatic to discover that her Author was joining up. "Well, you may not have to." He said. "You see, Bella-"

Lily's author cut him off. "I know. I wanted to thank you for killing her. Bella was an abomination and she deserved to die."

Ben froze.

Shirley gave a low whistle.

Lily's Author continued onward, seemingly oblivious to the reactions she had garnered. "I hope I can pass this test. I've been thinking about it, and I've got some ideas on how we can kill the Sues more easily."

Ben paled. "Kill... the Sues?"

Lily's Author raised an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah? You know, 'eliminate' them? As in the Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society?"

"Um," Ben scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "That's not exactly what we mean by eliminate..."

Dear god, He thought desperately Please don't let Lily see her. If she does she'll-

"Hey, Ben!" Lily called as she hurried into the room. "Karissa and I-" She stopped dead in the doorway. "Amanda?"

Crud.

Amanda shot to her feet, knocking her chair over. "Bella?" She demanded, her face pale, her voice shaking.

"Lily-" Ben said, starting towards her, but she didn't hear him.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" Lily asked, rushing forward, her face glowing with happiness. "I thought you were-"

"Get away from me!" Amanda spat, drawing back from Lily's approach as if she carried a plague.

By now, the rest of the assembled test-takers were staring, wide-eyed.

Ben gritted his teeth. This was not going to end well.

Lily recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "Amanda, what-?"

Amanda rounded on Ben, livid with anger. "I thought you killed her!" she yelled. "Why is she still alive? No, why is she here?"

"Just listen!" Ben said urgently. "Lil-Bella isn't a Sue anymore!"

"What?" Amanda demanded, staring at Ben disbelievingly.

"We removed her powers and changed her name, she's Lily now. And that's not all," Ben continued, taking Lilys hand in her own and giving Amanda a meaningful look.

Realization and disgust crossed Amanda's face as Ben continued.

"Lily never meant anyone any harm." Ben said. "All she wanted to do was to help people. You should be proud to have created a character like her."

Amanda looked from one to the other. "Proud of her?" She asked incredulously. "She's more of a Sue now than ever thanks to you!"

"How do you figure?" Ben challenged.

"It's not the name or the powers that makes them Sues," Amanda said condescendingly. "It's the fact that no matter what happens, everything turns up in roses for them. And what better possible ending for a Mary-Sue than to be taken in by the very organization that's supposed to be hunting her?"

Lily flinched at the sharp edge in Amanda's words and shrank back into Ben.

"And you would know all about Mary-Sues, wouldn't you?" Ben challenged, putting an arm around Lily and pulling her closer to him. "After all, who was it that made one?"

Amanda flinched. "I've changed since then." She hissed. "I no longer create abominations like her."

"A-amanda," Lily began timidly. "Wh-why are you-?"

"Why?" Admanda turned her piercing hate-filled gaze on Lily. "Because," she spat. "You're a mistake that was supposed to die, and in my opinion, still should. You had the gall to disobey your creator and even after the crimes you committed you still have the audacity to call yourself human just because you can't make some pretty lights anymore!"

She shook her head bitterly. "I can't believe I based your appearance off of my own. If I could, I would rip your face off right now."

Something clicked in Ben's mind. "So that's it!" He said, looking from Lily to Amanda and back. "I thought you looked familiar! It's because you two resemble each other so much!"

Amanda's eyes narrowed. "Resemble each other? Don't make me laugh, Lily's nothing like me. She's nowhere near human."

She turned and glared at Ben. "I was hoping I could find a place here to rid the multiverse of the Sue menaces, but apparently you people are nothing but hypocrites and cowards."

"Look who's talking." Ben glared.

Amanda didn't turn or give any indication that she'd heard him as she walked out of the testing room.

Lily make a kind of choking noise before bursting into tears and dashing out of the room, sobbing.

"Lily! Wait!" Ben called after her, but she was already gone.

"The rest of you keep working!" Ben snapped at the wide-eyed Rookies, throwing the papers he still held in his hand down on the table. "Keep an eye on them, Shirley!" Ben called over his shoulder before taking off after Lily.

Ben had always been faster than Lily when it came to running, and with her vision blurred by tears it was easy for Ben to catch up with her.

"Lily! Wait up!" He called

She turned at the sound of his voice only to stumble and pitch forward against a bookcase.

"Whoa, easy there!" Ben panted, reaching out a hand to steady her. "Are you OK?"

Lily gave a gasping choke. "Ben... I'm so sorry, I-" Her speech was cut off by a sudden coughing fit. "-I should've-" she managed to choke out around the coughs before she was struck by another fit of coughing.

"Are you, OK?" Ben asked, alarmed.

Lily tried to respond, but she couldn't stop coughing. She sank to her knees, hacking and barking roughly.

"Lily!" Ben shouted, "What's wrong?"

"What's going on?"

He whirled to find Dave hurrying over.

"I don't know!" Ben said, on the verge of panic. He stooped and tried to pick Lily up, but lacked the strength to do it.

"Help me!" He barked desperately, trying to rise while still holding Lily.

Dave brushed Ben aside and scooped Lily into his arms. "Which way to the infirmary?"

"Follow me!" Ben shouted, breaking into a dead run with Dave hot on his heels.

Lily had finally managed to stop coughing, but she still couldn't properly draw air into her lungs. She lay in Dave's arms, a wheezing and limp.

Ben burst into the medical room ahead of Dave. "Valerie!" He shouted.

Valerie jumped, nearly dropping the book in her hands. "What's wrong?" She asked mildly, adjusting her glasses.

"Lily's sick, you've gotta help her!" Ben panted, bent double from the frantic run he'd just finished.

Valerie didn't waste any time marking her place in her book, just threw it onto a nearby table and stood from her chair. "Where is she?"

"Dave's bringing her! Hurry!" Ben urged.

Dave came rushing through the door a few seconds later. "Where?" He asked brusquely.

"Over here." Valerie replied and Dave gently set Lily down on a bed.

Lily lay there, eyes half-closed. She was flushed and her breathing was weak, punctuated only by the occasional gasping spasm as a weak cough worked it's way through her system.

"Lily!" Ben cried, shaking her shoulder. "Lily, look at me!"

Ben's voice barely penetrated the fog of Lily's mind, sounding as if he were miles away. She made one last effort to focus her eyes on Ben's face hovering above her before the darkness claimed her.

-

Lily came to slowly. She stared at the ceiling above her bed for several minutes before she realized she was awake and sat up gingerly. There was an oxygen mask on her face and Ben was asleep next to her bed, his head leaning against the head of the bed's frame.

"Hey, glad to see you're awake!"

Lily looked over to see Valerie get up from her desk and walk over.

"How are you feeling?" The healer asked.

"Tired." Lily admitted, her voice muffled by the mask. "Just how long was I out?"

Valerie shrugged "About two days."

Lily's eyes widened. "What?"

"You nearly died." Valerie said softly. "It's a good thing Ben and Dave got you here when they did."

Lily was too shocked to say anything, instead she reached out to take the sleeping Ben's hand.

Valerie noticed the action and smiled.

"He hasn't left your side since he got here." She informed Lily. "He refused to get any rest either. I had to slip something into his Firebrand Whiskey to get him to sleep. He was really worried about you."

Lily smiled and nodded.

"So... what was wrong with me?" She asked, still looking over at Ben.

Valerie sighed. "Let's just say I'm going to have a talk with Charis about how she designs those Permanent Prohibitors of hers in the future."

Lily frowned. "Why?"

"You had a cold."

Lily's head shot up. "What?"

Valerie gave a wry shrug. "Embarrassing, isn't it?"

"But how could a cold nearly kill me?"

"You used to be a Mary-Sue, remember? Sues are perfect, and as such they never get sick. Since they don't get ill, they have no need to build up any defenses against disease. So when we took your perfection away from you, you had no immune system to fall back on. If being a sickness was a video game, you'd be the tutorial level right now."

"So then... what am I going to do?" Lily asked, concerned. If she had nearly died from just a cold, who knew what a real sickness could do to her?

"I had a word with Phoenixia and she's currently going through the Library's medical database. Between the two of us, we should be able to come up with some way to boost your immune system to where this won't
be a problem anymore. You'll still need to stay in bed for a few days though."

Lily sighed. "OK, good." She could handle a few days bed-rest.

"I've gotta go run some errands," Valerie said. "Are you sure you're feeling better?"

Lily nodded, pulling the mask off her face. "I should be fine now."

Valerie nodded as she headed for the door.

"Valerie, wait!" Lily called out.

The healer paused in the doorway. "Yes?"

"Thank you." Lily said sincerely, meeting her gaze. "If it weren't for you, I'd..."

Valerie smiled. "You're welcome. Don't push yourself too hard." She said as the door closed behind her.

Lily looked down at the boy in the chair next to her and smiled.

"Hey," She whispered, stroking his hair. "Wake up."

"Hmmm?" Ben murmured blearily, opening his eyes. "Wha-?"

He sat bolt upright. "Lily?" He cried. "Are you OK?"

She smiled. "I'm fine. Sorry I worried you like that."

Ben sighed with relief. "I'm just glad you're alright."

A thought occurred to Lily. "What happened Amanda?" She asked.

Ben's face grew dark. "Don't worry about her. She's had her mind wiped and she's back in the real world now. She doesn't remember a thing."

"She still remembers me..." Lily said, looking away.

"It doesn't matter." Ben insisted. "I told Tash what happened and she said she'd see to it that Amanda would never be able to join the Society."

"So what?" Lily asked, wrapping her arms around herself. "It's not like she was wrong."

"Of course she was wrong!" Ben said. "You're no Sue!"

"Maybe not by your definition!" Lily replied. "But if you think about it, Amanda was right! Lately it seems like nothings gone wrong for me!"

Ben raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me getting chewed out by your own creator and nearly dying from the world's most common virus is nothing wrong?"

Lily sighed. "You know what I mean, Ben."

Ben nodded.

Neither said anything for a long moment. Then Ben took a deep breath.

"Back in the Eighth Grade," He began. "I went through a poetry phase when I believed I was the next Longfellow. I churned out the most horrible drivel on a daily basis and thought I was a genius." He chuckled darkly. "It was almost a relief when my sister accidentally put them through the washing machine."

Lily frowned. "You have a sister?"

Ben shrugged. "Older, but that's beside the point. Despite the fact that most of my poetry completely sucked, there was one poem that stuck with me. It was probably the best out of the bunch, despite the fact that it was the shortest.

He looked at Lily. "It's called The Things That Make Us Human. Would you like to hear it?"

Lily nodded.

Ben took another deep breath and began to recite.

He who does not dream has nothing to strive for.
He who does not fear has nothing to hope for.
He who does not die has nothing to live for.

Ben took Lily's hand in his own.

"Is there something you dream about?" He asked.

She nodded.

"Are you afraid of anything?"

"...Yes."

"And we're both going to die someday." Ben said softly cupping her face in his hand. "You are human, Lily, moreso than any of us. We throw the word around so carelessly, but only you can truly understand what it means to be human because you're the only one of us who hasn't been human."

Lily was crying again by now, tears sliding slowly down her cheeks.

Ben leaned over and gently kissed each one away, whispering as he did so. "Whether you're a human, Sue or anything else, I will always love you, Lily. Never forget that."

Insert Holy New Fic Batman! Here

Osiris' eyes clicked to life as it's recharge cycle ended. It had been a week since Deraj had sent it out to track down the organization that had stolen the Sue Storm device. Despite the tracking program uploaded into its computer mind, and its active stealth camouflage, his prey continued to allude him. The Osiris unit had come extremely close to catching up with his target in the Star Trek: Deep Space 9 fandom, when his internal power supply ran dry and he was forced to enter his recharge cycle.

RECHARGE CYCLE COMPLETE: POWER CELLS ARE AT 78% TOTAL EFFICIENCY

ALL SYSTEMS FUNCTIONING WITHIN NORMAL WORKING PARAMETERS

 NAPALM LEVELS: 78.56%

BALLISTIC MISSILES: 2/3 MISSILES UNFIRED

STEALTH CAMOUFLAGE FILTER: 86.5% FUNCTIONALITY REMAINING, RECOMMEND IMMEDIATE REPLACEMENT.

TOTAL COMBAT EFFECTIVENESS: 76.212%

RECOMMENDED ACTION: RETURN TO BASE, ENTER ROUTINE MAINTENANCE CYCLE

CURRENT ORDERS: PURSUE OPERATIVES CURRENTLY IN POSSESSION OF SUE STORM, DO NOT RETURN UNTIL SUCCESSFUL. RECOMMENDED ACTION NOT ASSIGNED A PRIORITY PROCESS.

ACTIVATING PLOTHOLE GENERATOR, SUE STORM-LIKE ACTIVITY LOCATED IN BATMAN FANDOM, SUE STORM TRACKING PROGRAM ENGAGED.

-

Deraj wandered around his lab, bored out of his mind. After his betrayal Retsa had removed everything in his lab that he could manufacture into a weapon, also effectively removing anything remotely interesting in the process. Currently he was attempting to pass the time by reverse engineering the plastic army men that had been in Jared's pockets the last time he had been captured. Cracking the firewall had been easy but there simply wasn't enough room on their hard drives to implement new code, meaning he would have to completely restructure their processors before he could use them. The whole ordeal bored him, so he decided to check in on Osiris' mission.

Sliding his chair over to his laptop, Deraj booted up the Osiris CMD prompt and sent the command to open a com-link. He was furious when his own pre-recorded message filled his screen instead.

"I'm sorry, you have insufficient access to run this feature of the Osiris program. If you feel you are receiving this message in error, please shoot yourself now, I have no time to deal with tech support issues..." the recording said.

"How dare she! She's locked me out of my own program! Now I have no way of transmitting instructing to the Osiris unit! Why, I ought to..."

"You ought to what Deraj?" Retsa said, strolling into the room.

Deraj leaped in astonishment and fell out of his chair.

"You used that monstrosity on me before, I have merely taken steps to make sure you do not do it again. If you feel it absolutely necessary to send non-verbal instructions to your creature, give your orders to me, and I'll be happy to relay them once I get through my stack of paperwork..."

Deraj briefly considered using his earth magic to blow Resta through the walls of his lab, but more likely then not she would just absorb Deraj's explosive variety of earth magic, only to hurl it right back at him. After seeing what happened to Chloe when Deraj and Retsa had combined their powers the first time, Deraj was not eager to be placed on the receiving end.

"That's alright, just order Osiris unit to return if it's combat effectiveness drops below 50%." Deraj muttered, knowing full well that Retsa would do no such thing.

"Very well, if that is all, I will be leaving you..." Retsa muttered.

Deraj was furious, Retsa had rewritten his own program to exclude his access codes! He began to draw his revolver, intent with shooting her in the back, when he glanced the LPGB soldiers he was working on, and a better idea entered his head.

-

Osiris stepped out of the plothole near Arkahm Asylum's suicide cape.

The Asylum was still being repaired after the Joker's latest breakout attempt, most of the patients had been transferred to Blackgate prison until the facility was repaired, until then Arkahm was mostly abandoned, operating with only a skeleton staff to tend to the few remaining patients.

"Are you a demon?" Shouted a hysterical inmate that had escaped his cell, part of a strait jacket still hung half-way on his arm.

Osiris turned his head towards the patient, the CPU in his head began to process this information.

WARNING: UNIT HAS BEEN SPOTTED

RECOMMENDED ACTION: IMMEDIATE TERMINATION

HAND GUN ONLINE, LOADING...

Osiris raised it's scarred left hand, the inmate screamed and began running towards the edge of the cliff.

ATTACHING SILENCER, FIRING.

The inmate collapsed as the silent bullet went into the back of his head, tumbling over the cliff.

Osiris turned his head towards the Asylum's medical ward, the location from where the Sue Storm activity was coming from. Osiris activated it's camouflage, turning it into a shimmering mass of distorted light. Occasionally sparks would flicker from the cyborgs joints, and occasionally it would fail altogether rendering Osiris fully visible. It would have to be very careful to stay in the shadows until a suitable replacement could be found for the stealth camouflage filter.

-

Twelve identical red haired sues wearing green jumpsuits paced the medical building. Most of the asylum's staff had left for the night, meaning it was relatively easy to install the device into the power grid, within the hour it would be fully operational.

"Number 8, come take a look at this," one of them shouted.

"Sure thing, Number 3," the Sue named Number 8 replied, walking over to a monitor.

"It appears as if we have an unauthorized plothole opening at suicide cape," said Number 3.

"Impossible, we've locked the fandom down. Nothing but our own specific plothole frequency, or maybe a large scale plothole generator can get past it!"

"Keep in mind, we stole that plothole technology. It is highly probable this is someone else besides the Leader Deraj has generously given his gifts to, I shall send a team to go greet them."

-

The former LPGB soldiers littered Deraj's workbench. The army men had been dyed red, and given new uniforms and equipment. All of their heads were opened and multiple fiber-optic cables ran from his laptop.

"Overwriting the default programming with a lite version of the Osiris program, are you sure this is a good idea?" Eohlc asked.

"It's the only idea, the Osiris program is the only A.I. program I have access to. It's designed to learn to use any body it is implanted into, artificial or biological, and these army men are my only way to check on the progress of the full Osiris."

"Download complete." Chimed the computer.

"Good! Computer activate all instances of the Osiris program with this lab!" Deraj commanded.

One of the red soldiers opened it's eyes.

"Где я? Это не Россия." It shouted.

"What was that?" Eolhc asked.

Deraj blinked, "I think that was Russian," he replied.

Eohlc began laughing.

"What's so funny?" Deraj demanded.

"You painted them red, you may have installed the Osiris program in their bodies, but the code to act like real soldiers is still intact. You have just created yourself a Little Plastic Spetsnaz!" Eohlc replied.

"Кто ты должен быть?" Asked the soldier.

"No spreken de Russian!" Deraj yelled.

"Where... are we?" Asked the solider with a heavy Russian accent.

"You are in my lab. I'm giving you the assignment of tracking down the program used to create all of you, now get to it!"

"Long live Stalin!" Shouted the solider.

"Never call me that again, that's an order..."

-

Osiris continued walking. The cool night air would normally have bothered a human being, but to Osiris the temperature was little more then a tiny readout on his internal sensors.

A stick snapped in the distance, Osiris halted, raised his right arm and fired a blast of burning napalm into the foliage.

A swift moving green blur burst at of the burning rubbish at blinding speed, throwing out a think yellow cord with multiple weights wrapped around the end.

The modified bolo weapon impacted and circled Osiris' neck multiple times and tightened. The Sue's tactical error of assuming Osiris needed oxygen proved to be a fatal one as Osiris grabbed the rope and slammed her into the wall of the penitentiary a second later, there was the sound of snapping bones as the Sue fell dead to the floor.

"Its killed number 3!" Came a voice. Osiris turned to face the sound and fired his finger gun, a wounded cry sounded a millisecond later indicating the shot had found it's mark.

Before Osiris could reload and fire again fifteen identical blond Sues wearing blue uniforms stepped out from the shadows and surrounded the group. Osiris blew one of them through a tree with his particle cannon before being struck from behind by one of the weighted bolo ropes. All of the Sue's immediately let their bolos fly, most bounced uselessly off of Osiris' mechanical exoskeleton, but a few managed to find their way to exposed human tissue, leaving multiple welts and bruises on the already scarred flesh. Some of the Sue's began drawing side arms and loading clips into them.

WARNING: ALL WEAPONS SYSTEMS REQUIRE RELOADING, TIME BEFORE UNIT CAN REFIRE. 12.35 SECONDS

WARNING: ORGANIC COMPONENTS WILL SUFFER UNACCEPTABLE DAMAGE IN THAT AMOUNT OF TIME, APPLY APPROPRIATE COUNTER MEASURES

MECHANICAL COMPONENTS SWITCHING TO BATTERY BACK-UP, ORGANIC COMPONENTS SEPARATING FROM MECHANICAL PROSTHESIS.

MULTI-VECTOR ATTACK MANEUVER WILL ENGAGE IN 1.75 SECONDS.

Osiris gripped one of the yellow bolos and swung it hard to the right, the Sue who was still holding on was thrown around the circle, knocking over a good majority of her comrades. Osiris took this opportunity to engage his MVAM.

Both of his arms shot rigidly upward, the organic left one seemed to grow suddenly stiff and ridged, while the other one went slack and seemed to fall.

Underneath his clothing, Osiris' exoskeleton disconnected from the circuit boards and skin tissue it was attached to before allowing itself to slide out of his pant legs and t-shirt, which wasn't hard considering the battles he had been through left many holes in his attire.

Next, the right arm fell off completely, landing on the ground with a dull thud. Then as if by magic all the external components of Osiris' mechanical half began drawing together. The leg armor bent inward at the knees at an impossible angle for the human body to replicate, the torso components split along the side and combined with the legs to form a tripod, lastly, the arm in napalm launcher mode attached to he top half where the head would have gone, forming a turret.

The whole process took only a couple of seconds, but left the astonished Sue's awestruck to the point they couldn't begin to react.

"Aim for the human half! It's vulnerable without it's armor!" One of them shouted.

Had Osiris been human, he would have shouted something to the effect of "I beg to differ!" But the simple fact that his computer brain felt no need to speak meant that he would simply stick with his non-verbal repose.

Osiris sprinted toward the nearest Sue and delivered an immensely powerful punch to the middle of the Sue's chest. The Sue's breast bone shattered with a sickening crunch, collapsing her chest entirely. She collapsed to the ground gasping for air she couldn't draw in as a dark tunnel filled her vision.

The next Sue leapt onto it's back, Osiris simply flipped her over and piledrove her into the ground.

Three Sues who had drawn their firearms shouted "Stop or I'll shoot!"

By the time they had said "Stop" Osiris had locked on to their position through auditory analysis, by "or I'll" his napalm pump had been primed, on "shoot" he had sent a command to his detatched turret, which turned towards the group of Sues.

Without the rest of the arm to funnel and control the stream of napalm, the burning liquid shot wild, spraying the Sues all over' They dropped their firearms and furiously began trying to wipe the napalm off. This only served to spread and agitate the liquid, further setting the Sues ablaze.

Crimson beams parted the sky as the Osiris turret began firing, falling Sues left and right, accompanied by blazing shots from it's half of the napalm. Within minutes, only five of the fifteen sues were still standing. Osiris was just about to finish them off when his sensors sent him a dire message.

WARNING: INCOMING PROJECTILE, CORE TEMPERATURE IS -40 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT, INSUFFICIENT NAPALM TO DEFLECT.

RECOMMENDED ACTION: INITIATE COMPUTER LOCKOUT, SEND REPORT OF CAPTURE AND MISSION FAILURE TO DERAJ

REPORT COMPILING: 36% AND RIGJGHSAAR#!%%^^10101010100000010010000-

That was the last thought of Osiris before a beam of blue energy collided with it and the turret, freezing both in their tracks.

The red haired sue known as Number 8 stepped out of the shadows, holding one of Mr. Freeze's ice cannons, taken from the Asylum's storage facility.

"It's a good thing I found this, that... thing might have completely wiped us out if I hadn't stopped it! Let's get it back to the lab for study!" She said as the five remaining Sues began to detach the frozen cyborg and the immobilized turret from the ground.

-

From the branches of the tree the dying Sue was still embedded in, 24 tiny red figures observed the scene. One of them spoke into his radio.

"Приходите Deraj, мы нашли Осириса. Он был взят в плен в бою." It said.

"Speak English!" Deraj screamed.

"We have heard the Osiris! He was captured by the combatants!" The officer relayed in his broken English.

-

"Deraj, You can't go! Retsa's confined you do your lab!" Eohlc protested as Deraj began loading his ammo belt with bullets for his revolver.

"Screw Retsa! First they take Sue Storm, then they take my killer zombie bot! The line must be drawn here, I will not permit any interference on this issue, besides... they forgot to take away the two most important things in my life," Deraj said winking, "my gun... and something to shoot at."

"But Doug took your shotgun..."

"Damn it!"

"Maybe you could just point your finger at them and shout 'bang'!"

"No need, I still have my revolver. It can only fire one shot, but it will do I suppose as long as I only have one thing to shoot at."

"Are we going somewhere?" Retsa said, strolling into the lab, Deraj jumped and fell out of his chair again.

"Geez, you'd think I was strolling into the room with a lit stick of dynamite the way you fall apart every time I walk in here," Retsa noted calmly.

"I wonder why? Let's look back. The first time you came in here I was grappled, prodded and shocked by mechanical arms. The second time you nearly cooked us all alive. The third time you knocked me out and tortured me, and the forth time you revoked my access to all of my lab equipment." Deraj replied sarcastically.

"Well, for once I'm coming to bring you good news, I'm going to let you go." Retsa said.

"You're firing me?" Deraj asked.

"No! I'm letting you go rescue your little toys, I've noticed your more productive when your content, so get your gear and get out of my sight!"

"Yes ma'am! C'mon Eohlc."

"No, I'm only giving Deraj permission to go!" Retsa shouted.

"What! But me and Deraj are partners!" Eohlc said.

"Yes, but this is his mess and I'm not putting more Agents than I have to in harms way."

"Whatever, bye ya'll!" Deraj said, firing up his Plothole Generator.

"What was that about?" Eohlc asked when he was gone, "you know he's in no condition to go solo!"

"Exactly, I'm hoping he gets himself killed, I was wrong about him being useful to our cause. With all the time he's spending being useful to Aryan he's become useless to me, but if I kill him myself it makes my decision making look poor. So I'm hoping those Sues take him out for me... If he somehow survives, he'll have proved me wrong and I'll let him live, but I seriously doubt that will happen." Retsa said, walking out of the room.

"Well, this turned out to be negative after all, that girl is 0-5..." Eohlc muttered.

-

The first thing Deraj did upon his entry to the fandom was to meet up with the LPS, whose commander proceeded to reel off a rapid spiel of Russian. Deraj pulled out his revolver and shot him.

"For the last time! SPEAK FREAKIN' ENGLISH!" Deraj screamed.

"He was saying not to make any noise or you'll give away our position!" The newly promoted first officer reported as a weighted bolo struck the back of Deraj's head.

Stars filled Deraj's vision as he stumbled forward, this was accompanied by another bolo which proceeded to wrap around his legs, Deraj fell roughly to the ground.

The Little Plastic Spetsnaz opened fire, peppering the advancing Sue's face with several minuscule rounds of ammunition.

The Sue began to shriek and shield her unblemished face. The bullets began to bounce harmlessly of off her gloves.

Deraj angrily tore a bullet case from his belt and jammed it into the modified revolver's strange reloading mechanism. He was about to fire when he decided the Sue wasn't worth the ammunition, instead he slid out of the bolo.

"Cover me!" He shouted to the Little Plastic Spetsnaz.

"Первый батальон двигаться вперед и обеспечить прикрытием огня наших лидеров!" Shouted the lead soldier.

Deraj swung his revolver in a wide arc from the right, pistol-whipping the unsuspecting Sue in the head.

"Flashbar!" He shouted, drawing his crowbar and delivering an underhand shot to her face.

The resulting force knocked the Sue over and left her blind. Deraj had clearly won, he drew his revolver and aimed for the sues head.

"Hey, it is a special occasion!" He laughed, deciding against conserving his ammo, but before he could pull the trigger the gun was knocked out of his hand by another bolo.

"Halt at once!" Shouted a green clad Sue accompanied by a dozen blue.

"Drop dead! Fault zone!" Deraj shouted, his hand outstretched. A burst of mud and dirt launched out of the ground and was hurled forcefully at the sues, throwing them violently into the treeline.

A bolo hurled from behind Deraj and struck him on the back of the head. Deraj shrugged the blow off before catching the bolo.

"Ever since I've joined this society, people have been walking all over me! First Retsa, then Aryan! Well I'm tired of it, you Sues have all wronged me, and I vow that none of you shall live to see another day because of it!" Deraj shouted, hurling the bolo back at it's sender.

Deraj didn't even wait for the bolo to make contact before picking up his revolver and firing. The Sue was dead before the bolo even made contact.

Deraj drew his flashbar out of his jacket and twisted the handle, causing a wicked looking blade to pop out the end. He ran towards the injured Sues.

One of them rolled onto her back, "for the leader!" She cried, drawing her side arm and firing, Deraj spun around and fell to the ground, clutching his side. When he drew his hand away, it was red with blood...

-

Jared wandered around his lab, inspecting his work on Chevila. The truck was now in working condition, but it was lacking the cannonization device in it's current state. He was in the middle of reinflating the tires when a hysterical General Idea ran up to him.

"Sir! The battalion of our men that were missing in action have resurfaced! Their proximity nodes have recently been reactivated and our active in the Batman fandom"

"That's good news! They must have escaped from Deraj." Jared said, turning on the tire pump.

"Yes, but there's something wrong, we can't establish communication with them and they aren't responding to the LPGB command frequency!"

"Well, this merits investigation. Assemble an extraction team and warm up the Cobras, I'm going to check it..." Before Jared could finish, the labs PA system went off.

"Jared, we need you to bring the Large Scale Plothole Generator Online, multiple Sues have been spotted in the Batman fandom under the presence of fandom lockout."

Jared sighed, "I guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks... I'll have the Generator up within the hour."

-

The wounded Deraj fought with the fury of an animal, using the LPS to draw the firearms while gutting any Sue that came close to him, but despite all of his efforts he was starting to feel the effects of blood loss, he began to feel lightheaded and dizzy, and knew the fight would have to be resolved quickly.

A flash of light from the trees and the sharp bark of a high powered rifle were Deraj's only warning as a bullet whizzed by his head, barley missing his ear.

"Damn, they've got a sniper! I don't got anything to compete with that!" Deraj said, as he limped towards the treeline, holding a hand to his gunshot wound.

"Make your worthless plastic carcasses useful for once and cover my retreat!" Deraj barked, as he collapsed by a bush and pulled out his Plothole Generator. He pulled the trigger and was shocked to here his own words come from the device.

"I'm sorry, you have insufficient access to run this feature of the Plothole Generation program. If you feel you are receiving this message in error, please euthanize yourself now, I have no time to deal with tech support issues and your lose will help our Society move forward..."

"Curse that Retsa! This was a trap to get rid of me from the start!" Deraj said, as he ripped off part of his shirt and began bandaging himself with it.

"Hey! Are any of you worthless drains of electricity smart enough to serve as field medics!" He shouted to the LPS just as they fired off another round of mortars.

The commanding officer turned slowly.

"What is this... field medic speak you of? My english no so good."

"Oh for crying out loud... you know, a doctor, a stitch guy... a, ah whats the word... Meditsinskii? Sotrudnik?"

"Ah, you want a доктор."

"No, I want a wardrobe manager who can make this gaping wound match my outfit better..."

"I do not think that would be appropriate comrade..."

"That was sarcasm you idiot!" Deraj screamed, proning to avoid another sniper bullet.

A soldier began running to Deraj's side, carrying a needle and thread.

"Got any anesthetic?" Deraj asked.

"No anesthetic, only vodka..."

"Good enough for me!" Deraj said, swiping the tiny flask, which only contained about a drop of the beverage.

-

"You're good!" Announced the medical officer five minutes later.

"Bout freakin' time!" Deraj said, firing his revolver into the dark, pausing to admire the following scream before getting up and running closer to the medical building.

"вражеских войск в 10:00!" Shouted the LPS officer with Deraj.

"Crap! There's a sentry unit up ahead!" Deraj said, diving behind some cover just in time to avoid being spotted by three yellow sentries.

"Isn't that what I said?" The officer asked.

"Shut up and defragment your hard drive or something." Deraj said, aiming and firing his revolver, the Sue on the far right dropped with a thud.

"Flashbar!" Deraj shouted, smashing his crowbar on the ground as his visor fell into place. A burst of light later and the Sues began whirling their bolos blindly through the air.

Deraj swung his weapon violently into the back of the blinded Sue's head, she dropped just like her compatriot. Deraj reloaded and shot the other Sue.

"Okay, the sentries are dead... now I just need to walk into the building and take the Sue Storm device... easy right?" Deraj asked his foot soldier.

"Wrong!" Boomed a voice over the Arkham PA system.

"Crap, now the voices in my head are threatening me... maybe I should seek professional therapy." Deraj said, shoving a fresh bullet into his revolver.

"Rest assured Deraj, I am real, and you will not get the Sue Storm device from me... after all you were the one who gave it to me!" The voice boomed.

"Who are you!" Deraj shouted, pulling out his bladed flashbar.

Deraj was answered by the sounds of the few remaining Arkahm security guards left on staff approaching from the north in full riot gear, Deraj fired his revolver, it bounced uselessly off of their shields.

"Well dang... I suppose we'll just have to give up..." Deraj said, rolling behind a dumpster, "unless you have any brilliant ideas in that little Russian head of yours..." Deraj growled, reloading his weapon.

"I am sorry sir, I hear Gotham has some great lawyers, although they are a-bit two-faced..." The trooper answered.

Deraj face-palmed, "Seriously, I was just being sarcastic... and the fact you would even make such a joke is... Whatever, Flashbar!"

Deraj bashed his crowbar into the dumpster, releasing a blinding flash that stunned the guards.

Deraj reached his arm towards the group and began channeling his inner power.

"Just die... I can't think of an earth word at the moment!" He shouted, the ground beneath the guards burst, throwing them violently in every direction. Needless to say the guards complied with Deraj's suggestion.

"You shouldn't have done that Deraj, don't force me to use your device against you..." The voice over the PA said.

"Ah shut up!" Deraj yelled, kicking down the door to the medical building.

"What, no dark humored quip? I'm insulted, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were scared Deraj."

"How would you like a sentient plastic army man shoved up your..."

"Deraj please! There's no reason to act so hostile..."

"Well, nobody said I was a reasonable person, I mean look! I'm talking to a speaker box."

-

"Jared to Tash, the Plothole Generator is now at 57% power, it should be ready in about a half an hour..."

"Great, keep me updated..."

Jared closed his communicator, he was getting nervous. The Plothole Generator was not powering up fast enough, by the time they could launch a team there was a good chance the Sues would be in complete control of the fandom, and with LPGB officers being help captive they could ill afford the time. That's when he got an idea.

"Jared to Chloe, gear up and meet me outside Drake's room, we're going ahead of the rest of the team. I'll transfer large-scale plothole control over to Charis and meet up with you as soon as the LPGB are ready to move out."

-

Chloe entered the Society's armory wearing black jeans and a camo tank top, searching for a new blade to replace the one she had lost in the Metroid Prime fandom. She chose a red handled mid-century european style number, she slung the sword over her back and proceeded towards the gun rack.

"Arkahm is a dangerous place, I'm gonna need a little more firepower if I'm gonna get into a fire fight..." She said, strolling over to the shotguns.

She noticed an all black pump-action W1200 towards the back of the room she hadn't noticed before, she picked it up and examined it, there was an etching along the barrel:

"Warning: This is my shotgun, if you are stealing it I will track your finger prints and use it on you if you do not put it back immediately. I really like my shotgun. ~Deraj"

"Well isn't this ironic..." Chloe said, loading the W1200 while strapping on some ammo belts. "I'm going after Deraj with his own shotgun, he won't like that."

-

Chloe reached Drake's room almost at the exact same time as Jared arrived, trailed by tanks, helicopters and infantry men. Jared knocked on the door, Drake opened it slowly.

"Assembling an invasion fleet across the borders of my room constitutes an act of war..." Drake said dryly after eying the fully armed LPGB.

"Prepare to fire!" shouted General Idea.

"Belay that order!" Jared shouted, "I was actually here to see if we could borrow the plothole generator that you used to escape the AvP fandom?"

"What for?" Drake asked.

"Well according to your report, the Plothole Generator you used was originally Ekard's and therefore PCMSPS tech, if you let me have it I believe I can use it to bypass the fandom lockout."

"Sure you can have it, bu only if you agree to fix up my bike next time I wreck it."

"Sure whatever, just fork it over before I sic the LPGB on you."

-

Deraj wandered through the corridor of the abandoned building, searching for the stolen Sue Storm device, when he suddenly caught the scent of lilacs over the usual smell of a hospital, he shot his elbow backwards, catching a Sue in the gut.

"That's the thing about smelling perfect, you stick out downwind..." Deraj said, tripping the Sue and deploying his flashbar's blade.

"Now, you're going to guide me to the rest of your friends if you want to keep breathing, do you understand?" Deraj said, pressing the blade into her neck, the Sue gulped her reply.

"Right this way, they're by the elevators."

-

"That wasn't nice, blowing up the doorway to Drake's room..." Jared said, stepping into the fandom outside the medical building.

"He was taking too long, the odds he was giving away our positions to the Soviets were too great."

"When will you guys learn, the USSR no longer exists. So Charis and Karrissa can't possibly be spys for them." Chloe said, shaking her head.

"That's what they want you to think!" General Idea injected.

The discussion was interrupted by the sound of miniature mortar fire and gunshots.

"That sounds like LPGB issue mortar launchers!" Idea shouted.

"I agree, but Chloe and I don't have to check it out, our scans indicate Deraj is this way. I'm authorizing you and your men to investigate the cause, analyze the situation and possibly initiate military force if you deem the situation calls for it."

At this General Idea saluted Deraj and began mobilizing his forces.

"This can lead to no good..." Chloe said.

"Agreed, but we don't have the time to be more thorough, let's move out."

-

Deraj slinked out of the employee lounge licking an ice cream cone, taking careful care to step over the unconscious Sue.

"Есть мороженое действительно необходимо?" The LPS officer asked.

"ENGLISH!" Shouted Deraj.

"I asked if the ice cream was really necessary."

"Of course it is, you're never too evil to enjoy ice cream. Heck, before I joined the PCMSPS I was an ice cream man, that is until that unfortunate accident. I'm surprised they resorted to using incendiary rounds so quickly."

Before Deraj could continue his narrative a stray bullet flew from around the corner, went through the ice cream cone and blew a hole in his sleeve.

Deraj dropped the cone. "What did that vanilla cone ever do to you? It was perfectly innocent!" Deraj screamed, drawing his revolver and darting around the corner.

Six bolos immediately flew towards him, Deraj evaded them and fired a shot at the nearest Sue, she dropped.

The Sues all drew their sidearms, just as Deraj raised his hand to cast his earth. He lowered his arm gently.

"Well you got me, but in the end it was what? 40 for me to 1 for you? For supposedly perfect beings you guys suck at aiming."

"The master wants to speak with you..." one of the Sues said, walking over and handcuffing Deraj.

"Great, I was on my way to see him anyway! Plus, it might be fun to strangle someone with handcuffs on."

"You never shut up do you?"

"Only when I'm asleep."

"Well, if the master is not pleased by you, that might be very soon."

-

General Idea and the rest of the LPGB arrived on scene just in time to see one of three Sues get blasted by by an LPS mortar shell, the shell exploded, leaving several cuts and a minor burn.

General Idea's mind practically exploded when he witnessed what was going on, it appeared that a battalion of his own forces had defected and joined the Soviet Union! He didn't realize such a thing was possible, but he knew what he had to do.

"Private Property!"

"Yes sir!"

"Signal the predator drone. Red uniformed soldiers and Sues are targets."

"But sir! Those soldiers are..."

"I know what they are soldier, the orders stand."

LPGB tanks began popping green smoke rounds into the middle of the battle as the infantry drew their laser pointers and began identifying targets.

"Predator drone is in route, T minus 30 seconds to arrival." Property announced.

The combatants stopped their battle, confused by the sudden appearance of green smoke.

Shortly afterwards the miniature predator burst through the trees, firing it's entire stock of missiles. Red uniformed LPS infantry went flying as the predators compliment of two stinger missiles detonated within their ranks.

"The master has sent aid!" One of the sues shouted before the predator turned about and fired it's two AGM-114 Hellfire missiles at them.

The missile detonated with enough force to blow the Sues onto their backside, they were unconscious by the time they hit the ground.

"The predator has depleted it's missile stock, it is returning to forward command!" Property announced.

"Good, fix bayonets and march onward, I'll be surprised if those stingers did enough damage to whipe out those Spetsnaz."

Idea's fears were answered as Property was struck down by sniper fire.

"Crush the capitalists!" Came the LPS's battle cry as they stormed across the field.

"Tanks! Move forward and provide a defensive line for the infantry men, Infantry! We'll be fighting in close quarters, I want shot-gunners to lead the charge, machine gunners follow. Some body go get Plastic Surgeon! Private Property's been wounded!"

"It's just a scratch..." The wounded officer said weakly, despite the face his entire left arm and most of his chest had been blown off; exposing the internal circuitry and wiring.

"Don't worry son, you'll make it, we've lost too many officers to those commies already! I don't intend on losing any more."

-

Chloe silently opened the back door of the medical city, greeted by the sight of two Sue foot soldiers with their backs turned, playing cards on the table. Jared drew his Boomhammer and Chloe pumped Deraj's shotgun.

"I got the one on the right, aim low, they might be able to tell us something." Chloe whispered.

"Got it," Jared said.

The gun barked and the head of Jared's hammer recoiled with the force of the sonic projectile it fired.

The sue on the right fell over as Chloe's shot hammered her leg, the sue on the left flipped over the table as the sonic projectile exploded.

The two agents ran over the the Sues and slapped on Prohibitors, only to see the Sues bodies crumbled into dust.

"It appears these sues are nothing but manifestations of sue energy..." Jared said, attempting to wipe the dust off his jeans.

"Well, atleast we know we don't have to pull our punches anymore." Chloe said, putting a new shell into her W1200.

The two agents jumped as the intercom system fired up.

"Ah the ACMSES is finally here, if you would be so kind as to report to the elevators, I'm sure I can put a show on for you that you will most certainly enjoy, and if you come you will be given cake! So you should hurry up and get over there."

"I can't help but feel suspicious of that claim..." Jared muttered, shouldering the Boomhammer.

"Jared... did that voice sound familiar to you?" Chloe asked.

"Well, it did sound oddly like Morgan Freeman..."

"It was remarkably soothing... but I don't think that's it. Oh well, I'm probably just imagining things."

Despite the fact that the Little Plastic Green Beret's forces outnumbered the Little Plastic Spetsnaz by a factor of ten, the LPS fought ferociously. Three tanks had already been lost to well hidden anti-tank mines and 12 infantrymen had fallen to sniper fire.

"Helicopters! Sweep the treeline, we need to take out that sniper! Machine gunners move up and provide cover fire for the shotgunners! Engineers, report to retreating tanks and administer repairs! Move it men, we're losing this battle! Start winning or I'll find men who can! And where is that medic I called for?"

"Over here sir, I got hear as fast as I could!" Plastic Surgeon said, kneeling over the injured Private Property.

"There is a bullet embedded into his CPU, I don't know if I can remove it without causing a system crash." The doctor said grimly.

"You have to try!"

Plastic Surgeon reached into his kit and pulled out a pair of pliers and reached into the wounded officer, but when the bullet made contact with the metal pliers the CPU sent up a shower of sparks, and Private Property went still.

"I did all I could... there... there was just to much damage to the CPU." The doctor choked out.

"That's it, this battle is going to end right now!" General Idea said, picking up the deceased Private Property's Thompson sub-machine gun.

"All units! Circle the remaining LPS scum! Now we crush them with the full might of the military of the United States of America!"

-

Jared and Chloe entered the elevator room through the vents, hoping to avoid detection. As they gazed through the vent they saw Deraj being led towards a type of throne, but they couldn't tell who was sitting on it.

"Well, well, well you've been quite the thorn in my side his evening Deraj, care to tell me why?" The man said.

"Well, you stole my machine, I came to kill you for it. What else needs to be said?"

"True enough, now they way I see it, you have two options... one, you can work for me. Two, you can die, what is your say."

"You forgot option 3!"

"Oh? And what would that be."

"My little Russian friend blows the charge he placed on my handcuffs and I shoot you!" Deraj yelled. But nothing happend.

"Hey you nut! That was your freakin' que!" Deraj shouted.

"Sorry comrade, my english is not so good..." The LPS officer said, before detonating said charge.

Deraj was immediately tackled to the ground by a pile of Sues. His revolver fell uselessly to the ground.

"We have to do something!" Chloe hissed, "They're going to kill him!"

"Agreed! Hold on... Boomhammer!"

Jared blew the grating on the vent off with a jab of his hammer, Chloe then proceeded to fire shell after shell from the W1200 into the room. The Sues released Deraj and leapt for cover as the figure at the throne snuck into the shadows.

Deraj got up and looked around the lab for something he could use as a weapon. He found what he wanted strapped down to an operating table underneath a heat lamp.

After running over and releasing the straps, Deraj yelled a single command into his wristwatch computer.

"Osiris! Reboot and kill anything that's moving in this room!" He shouted.

The figure on the table opened it's black eyes and leapt into the rafters before proceeding to send particle beam after particle beam into the Sues makeshift fortifications behind tables and desks.

"Maybe helping him out wasn't a good idea... Jared commented, diving inside of an open elevator.

"Gee, what tipped you off..." Chloe replied sarcastically.

"So what's the plan here? Adrian is the only Agent who has successfully fought this model of Osiris, and he's not here to help us. I don't think the two of us are up to the task..." Jared said, leaning out the open door just long enough to fire a couple of shots from the Boomhammer.

"Actually, I think we're on a more level playing field. Look at Osiris, you can see heat distortion coming from all of his exhaust systems, he obviously has not been maintained very well. I think we just need to find a way to exploit that fact."

"Good eye Chloe, I'll bet if we got him on the ground that we might stand a chance... I'll see if I can bring him down to our level."

Jared leapt out into the open and fired a barrage of shots at Osiris' vantage point in the rafters, Osiris was too preoccupied with the Sues to notice the shots until if was to late. The beam he was standing on blew apart and Osiris fell, landing somewhere across the massive elevator room with a loud crash.

"You go after Deraj, I go after Osiris!" Chloe shouted.

"Are you sure?" Jared asked.

"I'm positive, I think I can bring him down!" Chloe said, shouldering her W1200 and drawing her sword.

"You think, or you..." Before Jared could finish, the ground beneath him exploded, hurling him across the room.

"Before I kill you, I'd like to thank you for putting me in a position for doing so..." Deraj said as a dirt covered Jared landed by him with a crash.

"No thanks are necessary, I'm just a nice guy!" Jared said, leaping to his feet and swinging his hammer.

Deraj quickly drew out his flashbar and caught the blow, Jared barely had enough time to shield his eyes with his arm to keep from being blinded.

"I see you've learned from the last time we've fought!" Deraj announced.

"You haven't!" Jared said, before swinging his steel-toed boot into Deraj's knee.

Deraj screamed and fell to the ground, Jared raising his hammer defiantly.

"Step away from the leader!" The LPS officer said, popping out of Deraj's jacket pocket and firing an RPG.

The rocket exploded on Jared's chest, setting his shirt on fire, Jared frantically tried to put it out as Deraj leapt to his feet.

-

"As the leader of these forces, I formally surrender unconditionally on behalf of Admiral Deraj." The general of the LPS forces said, handing over his gun to General Idea.

After the Spetsnaz forces were surrounded, the LPGB had quickly layed waste to their ranks, by the time they had surrendered only 8 soldiers of the original 24 were remaining.

"As leader of the LPGB forces, I accept your surrender and order your men into the transport truck where you will remain under armed guard until the end of the current mission." General Idea said.

"Sir, I'm detecting weapons fire in the medical building, it might be the Admiral!" Commander Follower said from his listening station.

"Move out! I want all of our forces to be put into the field to assist the Admiral, get to it men!" Idea shouted before hoping in a helicopter and taking off.

-

Chloe reached the area where she assumed Osiris had landed. Her theory rang true as a crimson beam of energy raced towards her from down the hall.

"Enchanto!" she shouted, summoning her shield in time to block the beam, although she was pushed back several feet.

Osiris fired his grapnel hand, latching onto the shield. Chloe refused to let go and was instead dragged towards Osiris at high speeds.

"Taste my blade!" Chloe shouted, severing the grapnel cable with an overhand swing and performing a horizontal slash across Osiris' torso.

What remained of Neb's shirt was torn even more as Chloe's blade was swung through it, sending up sparks as it collided with the armor underneath.

Osiris reached out his mechanical had and grabbed the sword before bending it at sixty degrees at the hilt. He threw the blade aside and grabbed Chloe by the neck, lifting her off the ground, the electrical currents of it's mind began racing as it decided what to do with it's catch.

THREAT ANALYSIS OF SUBJECT: MINIMAL.

VALUE OF LIFE: SUBJECT COULD POSSIBLY BE USED AS A BARGAINING TOOL FOR THE PCMSPS.

CONCLUSION: RENDER SUBJECT UNCONSCIOUS, THEN RETURN TO DERAJ.

But Chloe hadn't given up, she let go of Osiris' wrist with one hand and reached round her back. Osiris didn't have enough time to react as Chloe pulled out the W1200 and fired a shot into his chest.

At point-blank range, Osiris' well worn armor couldn't withstand the force of the round, it punched through the armor and went right into it's napalm storage. For the second time in it's brief life Osiris was burning from the inside.

Warning: Napalm storage cells have ignited, vent all napalm to prevent extreme damage. Barked the computer.

Osiris released Chloe and converted his arm into Napalm mode and began firing as fast as his pumps could dispose of the blazing liquid, Chloe took this opportunity to mutilate the particle cannon on his shoulder with another shotgun discharge. This effectively gave Osiris one remaining weapon.

BALLISTIC MISSILES ARMED AND READY, returned the computer.

Osiris raised its handless left arm and fired. His last two missiles tore along the railing of his left arm at extreme speeds which Chloe avoided, but the missiles impacted the wall behind her and detonated, Chloe was hurled over Osiris. The cyborg began advancing on her.

Chloe began to crawl as the creature began to draw nearer. She knew it had exhausted it's weapons, but it still had Neb's strength and would still be more than she could deal with until she recovered from the missiles.

"Anti-Tank division! Open fire!" Came the voice of General Idea, followed by a hail of miniature rockets from a helicopter. The rockets detonated on the back of Osiris' head, causing the creature to whirl around.

While it's back was turned, Chloe could see the scorched imprint of a memory port on the back of the things head where the rockets had blown away the hair.

"Circle around! The memory port is on the back!" Captain Crunch yelled to the pilot.

Osiris grabbed the speaker system around his neck and ripped it off before flinging it at the helicopter with the speed of a major league pitcher.

"Look out! The thing is using pieces of it's own body as projectiles! We need to bring it down now!" General Idea shouted as the pilot put on evasive maunevers.

Chloe seized her opportunity, she picked up her dented sword and charged forward, thrusting the point into the back of the creatures skull.

The blade went clean through the memory port, stopping only when it hit the metal skull armor underneath. Osiris twitched and fell.

Chloe and the LPGB had won.

"This way!" Chloe shouted, "Jared's over here!"

-

"Boomhammer!" Deraj shouted, swinging Jared's own weapon at him. Jared barely managed to roll out of the way in time. "Tremor!" Jared shouted, Deraj nimbly leapt out of the way of the attack before the ground beneath him exploded.

"Face it Jared, I'm the better fighter! You just don't have the skill to bring me down." Deraj gloated.

"That may be true! But I have the shotgun!" Chloe announced, leaping from the catwalk after firing a blast from the W1200.

Deraj fired a sonic projectile from the hammer which scattered the shotgun pellets.

"My gun! Give it to me right now!" Deraj shouted.

"Like heck!" Chloe shouted, firing again, Deraj leapt out of the way.

"Very well," he said, "Flashbar!"

Deraj smashed his crowbar into the wall, but this time Jared and Chloe didn't have enough time to avoid it. While they were blind Deraj pistol whipped Chloe and took back his W1200.

"I very well may have lost today, but I still have my gun! And as long as you two live, I will still have something to shoot at! Do svidaniya!"

"I thought you could not speak Russian!"

"Oh shut up..." Deraj said, grabbing Chloe's Plothole Generator and opening a portal back to the ship.

-

"So, he got away with... nothing, and all the Sues are either dead or have been chased out of the fandom..." Tash said, reading Jared's report.

"Yes, with that said I think we can call the mission a success, with the exception that all of the prisoners taken by General Idea escaped while the LPGB were trying to stop Deraj from escaping." Jared said, holding an ice pack to the hole in his shirt.

"Very well, you may leave..." Tash said, dismissing Jared and Chloe.

"Good, I'm needed at the ceremony in honor of Private Property."

"Do you mind if I come?" Chloe asked.

"Not at all, the LPGB would be honored to have their vice-admiral at the proceedings, and I think he mentioned you in his will."

"What? What could he possibly have owned that he would want to give to me?"

"You got me, but I guess we'll find out..."

-

Deraj collapsed in his chair after dragging Osiris through the Plothole.

"You're back! Thank goodness." Eohlc shouted.

"Of course I am, it takes more than an army of Sues and little green men to kill me!"

"What about Osiris?"

"I'll need to replace his memory circuit, install new armor and replace just about everything, but he'll live."

"And your little plastic army?"

"They were more useful than I thought they'd be, I just might have to build more..."

Insert False Gods Here

It had been several years since the Stargate was first activated, and during that time the personnel from Stargate Command had encountered aliens galore. Most of these aliens were friendly; some however were hostile. Of all the hostile aliens, nothing was quite like the Goa'uld; a parasitic life-form that claims a host, whilst removing all semblance of self control. The Goa'uld had proved to be a formidable foe for the various SG teams sent across the galaxy. After four years, they were still fighting.

"GET DOWN!" Carter yelled across the battlefield. Louise peered over the top of a large rock. She could see the battle clearly from her vantage point, but could do nothing about it. The Goa'uld forces advanced on the weakening SG personnel. A staff blast impacted the stone in front of her, and Louise ducked out of sight again. Around her, the sounds of battle continued. She jumped as a young Air Force man was launched over her rock, and landed dead at her feet.

She knew that she was there under orders from Tash to find the newest Sue to appear on the radar, but she hadn't been expecting to land in the middle of an alien battle. Keeping her head below the surface of her rock, Louise peered around the edge.

"Oh crap!" she whispered. The battle was not going well. Dead SG personnel littered the floor, whilst the Goa'uld mass marched on. In the midst of the Goa'uld forces stood a young woman. She wasn't a Jaffa, but she wasn't a slave.

Her hair, pulled back in a perfect plait, drifted gently in the breeze. Her petite figure contrasted greatly with the hulking forms of the Jaffa around her. In fact, as Louise spotted her, the Jaffa warriors moved into a protective formation around the woman. She looked around at the carnage that her guardians had wrought. She was dressed in very anachronistic clothing for the technology level of the local population, Louise noted as she peered around the rock.

The society agent stared at the woman. She had all the makings of a Mary-Sue, but how to get past her bodyguards. Since none of the other agents had reported her, Louise knew that she was an unknown Sue to the Society. This must be the one she had been sent to capture.

"Oh crap," she repeated, reaching for her communicator. She had to tell Tash that the Sue had already corrupted the fandom. Her hand slipped into her pocket. "Oh... crap!" Louise's hand grasped thin air. She'd left her communicator back in the Library.

-x-

Back in the Library, Tash had come across Louise's communicator.

"Oh, bollocks! Louise, you idiot!" Tash yelled at the universe in general.

-x-

Louise continued to peer around her shield. The battle was still going badly. The remaining SG personnel had turned tail and bolted for the Stargate. She could just see them through the trees. A man was standing at the dialling device, inputting their intended destination. Louise hoped they would make it home. She turned back to the Mary-Sue, who was now ordering the Jaffa warriors around. Ok, she thought, this has gone too far. She knew she couldn't approach the Sue directly, for fear that her muscle would perceive her as a threat, so she watched from a distance.

The Sue gave the appearance of great wisdom, and yet couldn't have been older than Louise herself. As she talked and ordered some the Jaffa to pursue the fleeing soldiers, the Sue flicked her hair across her shoulders. Despite being several inches shorter than the majority of the male Jaffa, the Sue radiated a palpable aura of strength and authority. She ordered the Jaffa around as if she were their God, instead of the Goa'uld.

Louise watched, incensed that this Sue was manipulating one of the fundamental rules in the fandom. She heard, in the distance, the sound of the Stargate activating, and prayed that the SG personnel had made it safely home. Home... that was something that couldn't be contemplated now... She focused on the Sue, surrounded by her bodyguards. How on earth was she going to capture this one?

The roar of a ship's engine caused Louise to look up. Just surfacing from behind the rim of the surrounding hills, a Goa'uld Al'kesh, a medium ranged bomber, zoomed overhead. Louise hit the deck. The last thing she wanted was the Goa'uld becoming aware of her; she was going to have enough problems capturing this Sue as it was. From the looks of her, she was at least a level 5 if not higher. Tash clearly didn't know the strength of this Sue; else she would have sent a more experienced agent into the fandom.

Realising that there was no way she was going to be able to take the Sue in her current location, Louise sidled back into a clump of bushes. She would have to come up with another plan, and quickly. She looked up from within the bushes, watching the ship head into the upper atmosphere. If there was a Goa'uld Ha'tak, or Mothership, in orbit... Louise couldn't bare thinking about the kind of trouble she may end up in. She turned her eyes back to where the Sue had been standing... she was gone!

"Oh crap! Tash is really gonna kill me" she peered out of the bushes, looking for any sign of the Sue. "Oh double crap!" If the Sue was in charge of the Jaffa on the ground, she was no doubt in command of that ship, and any mothership that might, or might not, be in orbit. Louise knew she had to get up there, but how? She wasn't prepared to take the standard route for non-Jaffa – as a prisoner. There must be an alternative.

Walking into the clearing, she looked at the chaos. The land around the battle was littered with bodies, both Jaffa and human. If the Sue was willing to adopt the persona of a God to rule over the Jaffa, she clearly had to be stopped. Louise stooped, and pocketed a couple of PP9's. She checked the current magazines of each of them, and gathered a handful of extra ones, just in case. Deciding that she didn't have time to be picky about using clothing from a corpse, Louise swallowed as she stripped a dead SG soldier of his vest, sliding the spare ammo into the pockets, and swung the vest on. It was a little tight for her, but it would do. She tried not to look at the faces of the fallen as she picked her way across the carnage.

After the hell she had been through with Alice on her first mission, she had wished for a quieter, more peaceful fandom. Why did she have to end up here? Louise sighed, and trudged into the forest on the opposite side of the clearing. "And we're walking" she murmured to herself, with a wry smile on her face. She didn't know where she was going, or what she was looking for, but less than an hour after leaving the site of the battle, she had found it.

Hidden, behind a large amount of fallen branches, was a Goa'uld Tel'tak, a cargo ship, exactly what Louise needed.

A twig snapped in the trees behind her, and she whirled around, pulling the pistol up to defend her. Had a Jaffa found her? Had she inadvertently walked into a trap?

"Wait" a small voice called from within the trees. It sounded human enough. "Please... don't shoot."

"Who are you?" Louise demanded, her voice less confident than she intended.

A thin, gaunt-looking man staggered out of the trees. He certainly wasn't Jaffa. Louise's hand gripped the handle of the gun. The man's hands were outstretched, palms forward. "Please..."

"Who are you?" she repeated.

"My name is... Sebastian" the mere fact that he paused before his name put Louise on the back foot. She raised the gun again.

"Really?" she sounded so suspicious, even to herself. The man before her dipped his hand, and then looking up at her more serenely spoke,

"My name is Menes" Louise's hand tightened. Sebastian's voice was different. She had heard those kinds of voices before. "You're Goa'uld" she accused.

"NO!" Sebastian looked furious. "We are Tok'Ra."

Louise nodded with immediate understanding. The Tok'Ra; a splinter faction of the Goa'uld, who took willing hosts and despised all that the Goa'uld were. She soon realised that this could be a very fortunate meeting. She needed to get to the mothership no doubt in orbit, but she also needed a pilot. This Tok'Ra, with the right words, could be exactly that.

"My apologies Menes, I didn't mean to offend you. My name is Louise, and I'm a..." she paused. How to explain the society to a canon character... "I'm a bounty hunter, and my quarry has just escaped me. She is... working for the Goa'uld," she lied smoothly.

Menes / Sebastian staggered slightly. Louise caught him under the arm, and felt the wet warmth that could mean only one thing. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed, "You're bleeding"

"I took a staff blast to the shoulder in the forest. The Jaffa were taking..." he winced.

"Carefully, carefully" she soothed as she sat the Tok'Ra onto the damp earth.

"The Jaffa were taking orders from a young girl" the words came out rushed. It was only then that Louise realised that the symbiote wasn't talking anymore, Sebastian had taken over again.

"The exact same one I've been sent to capture. Sebastian, I can stem the bleeding, but I need your help," she pulled a wad of fabric from her pocket. "Always keep a hankie in case of emergencies." Sebastian looked confused as she pressed the material onto the wound. "Be grateful this wasn't any further to the left, a couple of inches you'd have been dead." As she finished fastening the handkerchief to his shoulder, Sebastian took her hand... "Thank you" he whispered.

"I'm not doing this merely out of kindness, Sebastian" Louise stated, "I need a pilot for this damned ship" she hit the cargo ship, and then regretted it. That thing was hard. Shaking her hand at the pain shooting through it, Louise extended the other one to help Sebastian to his feet. "I have no idea how to pilot one of these, and I need to get to the mothership that's in orbit"

"Out of the question" Sebastian was clearly not fond of her idea. "We'd be killed the moment we got on board." He had a point; she had to give him that. She sighed, "Look, I need this. That girl is very dangerous, and I need to capture her as soon as possible. If you are too worried about getting caught, ring me over and then leave. I don't really care"

"Very well" Sebastian sighed in resignation of his role, "but don't expect me to come rescue you when you get into trouble." He sounded so sure that this would be the fact; Louise almost chickened out, but then she realised that if she got into serious trouble, help would no doubt come in the form of fellow agents of the society. Although technically this wasn't her first mission, she was under no illusions that someone, most likely to new Librarian, would be watching her progress. After the trouble she and Alice had gotten into, she was surprised to even be allowed into another fandom, let alone on a solo mission.

It didn't take long for Louise and Sebastian to get the craft flight-worthy. It took a little clearing of the branches from around the ship, but soon Sebastian was sitting behind the controls, and the Tel'tak was lifting majestically from the forest.

"Sebastian," Louise started as the ship finally cleared the trees, and began its trek up to the awaiting Ha'tak. Her pilot looked up. "I know you don't want to get into a fight with the Jaffa, but I..." she didn't get to finish the sentence.

"Look, Louise... was it?" she nodded in response, "I hate the Goa'uld about as much as the next Tok'Ra, but I am not willing to go on a suicide mission to capture a runaway little girl."

Louise, standing behind him, was checking she had all that she needed. Pistol, check. Prohibitors, check. Plothole generator, check. Communicator, nope – she remembered that she'd left that back in the Library. Tash really was gonna kill her.

"We're approaching the Ha'tak" Sebastian announced, breaking into Louise's reveries and worries about Tash's reaction when she got back to the Library. Looking through the window of the cockpit, she could see the giant mothership looming up as they drew nearer.

"Can you ring me in?" she asked, knowing the fact that their presence was not likely to go undetected for long. Sebastian looked around; it was clear on his face that he was nervous about this mission. From the state Louise had found him in, he had clearly barely escaped his last encounter with this Mary-Sue, and he obviously didn't fancy a second round.

"I can get you in, but I don't know whether I'll be able to get you out. Once you're in, you're on your own." His voice sounded hollow, as though he were sentencing her to death. Louise's hand folded around the plothole generator nestled in her pocket. If worse came to worse, she always had an escape route back to the Library, but she wasn't about to tell him that. "Don't worry," she reassured him, "I'll be fine. I've done this kinda thing before."

As Sebastian brought the ship to a gradual halt, Louise approached the ring platform with a little trepidation. She already knew that the Sue had corrupted the fandom, forcing this group of Jaffa to worship her and not their "Gods" the Goa'uld. She took a deep breath, and then the final step. "Wait!" Turning, she saw Sebastian's worried eyes; he handed her a small Tok'Ra communicator. "I'll be fine." Her voice was falsely confident. He activated the rings, her vision blurred, and before she knew it, she was standing in a corridor.

The corridor was mercifully deserted, but Louise didn't know how long it would remain so. An area of darkness drew her attention, and she sidled into the shadows. Lifting her gun, she crept back into the half-light of the corridor. To her left, a door stood half open with voices coming from within. Moving silently closer, she heard the familiar deep tones of a male Jaffa, and the higher shriller voice that could only belong to the Sue.

"I don't care if you have searched the forest...I want him found!" the Sue was yelling.

"Yes, Lord Merle" the Jaffa sounded nervous, and a little frightened. Louise fought back the gasp that was threatening to escape. She knew that name, but was praying that she'd misheard it. The Jaffa didn't hang around long, and she was forced to press herself into the shadows to avoid being seen. Once the Jaffa had fled out of sight, she turned her ear back to the doorway. "Lord Merle" as the Jaffa had called her, was talking again, although it seemed to herself.

"Soon, we shall have all that we need to crush those..." Merle's voice was less shrill that before, almost hushed in a whisper. She was cut short by a loud bang from several floors below. Louise threw herself back into the shadows, as Merle ran from the room. Despite the rush, her hair was still in a perfect plait, and flowed down her back in undulating ripples. Her hips swayed rhythmically. It was almost hypnotic...

-x-

"Oh, for cryin' out loud Louise! Get a grip!"

-x-

Louise blinked, and the spell was broken. She watched Merle disappear around the corner before following in her wake. After what felt like miles of corridors, and what were definitely too many near misses with patrolling Jaffa, Louise came across the origin of the loud bang. A laboratory. She almost snorted in surprise. It looked like a 20th Century science lab. Merle was stood in the very centre, yelling at some white-coated humans. They all looked terrified.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?" she was demanding; her voice was back to its shrill, bat-destroying pitch.

"Lord Merle..." the lead scientist was pleading, "the chemicals you provided have proven to be a more volatile combination than previously expected. We..." Merle glared at the poor man. "We are working, right now, on an alternative."

"THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE, FOOL! MAKE IT..."

A young scientist ran up from the back of the room. "My Lord, we have a success." He sounded so pleased with himself that he completely missed the look of horror on the lead scientist's face. Merle, however, did not.

"Get him out of my sight," she gestured at the lead scientist, "and make sure I never see him again." The Jaffa immediately converged on the man, and dragged him out of Louise's line of vision. Merle followed the junior scientist to the back of the room.

"Oh crap," Louise slipped her arm around the door frame, and fortunately lifted a white coat from a peg by the door. Sliding her arms into it, she strode into the room. The Jaffa didn't bat an eyelid. She walked up behind the gathered scientists until she was mere metres from Merle. Her hand slipped into her pocket, and around the prohibitor located there. She knew she would only get one shot at this.

Merle was appraising the work of the young scientist with a disdainful look on her face. Despite the look, Louise noted, the Sue was still a very attractive young woman.

"I want ten times this quantity by noon tomorrow." At her words, the scientists scattered. Louise wasn't ready for them. As they knocked into her, she was pushed closer to Merle, and to the scientific equipment she was now studying. Sliding around the edge of the lab table, Louise glimpsed a bright blue liquid in a glass conical flask. Merle picked up the flask, swilling the liquid around inside. She was gazing at the contents with an almost longing expression on her face.

Louise slid to Merle's blind side. With her eyes fixed on the flask, she hoped that the Sue would be distracted enough for her to clip the prohibitor onto her wrist and get out of the fandom without any trouble. Although, as she was about to find out, trouble seemed to follow Louise around. The bang, as she was about to realise, had been from a large number of exploding flasks. Placing her right foot down, she heard a loud crunch of glass. Merle looked around and spotted her.

"You!" she cursed

"Merle Ravensclaw!" Louise's voice was shakier than she had heard it in a long time. She pulled the prohibitor from her pocket. "The society would like a word with you." She stepped forward, wanting to get this over with before the rapidly approaching Jaffa reached her. Merle had other ideas. With a heave, she pushed Louise to the floor. The agent landed amidst shards of glass. She reached for the lab bench to pull herself to her feet. Upon returning to the vertical plane, she launched herself at Merle, prohibitor in one hand, and her pistol in the other. She levelled the weapon at her quarry. "The time for running is..." Louise crumpled to the floor as a blast from a zat'ni'katel hit her in the back.

-x-

Back in the Library, Tash had been joined by Alice and Dave, and there was presently a huge argument about the sanity of attempting a rescue.

"They're going to kill her" Dave was protesting, defending Alice's initial request to head into the fandom herself. Tash, as Librarian however, wasn't backing down.

"One, we would risk losing you both as well, and you know much less about the fandom than Louise. Two, she went through a lot worse with you, Alice. She'll cope."

Alice and Dave were not happy, but once Tash had spoken there was little they could do about it. The three of them returned to watching the fandom.

-x-

Louise came to in a small dark cell. She immediately rummaged in her pockets and found that both her prohibitors had been taken, along with copyrights and scene transition. This day was just getting better and better. She continued digging into her pocket. There was one thing that could get her out of this mess, right here, right now. But it too was missing. Great! She lay back down on the hard ground. It wasn't earth but metal. Great, a prison cell on a Goa'uld mothership, taking her goodness knows where, and she didn't have her plothole generator. Wonderful!

Footsteps attracted Louise's attention away from the pessimistic wonderings. She lay, resigned to her fate, gazing through the bars of her cage. A slight figure, cloaked in black, turned the corner at the end of the corridor. Despite being in silhouette, it was impossible not to recognise the petite and yet well-formed shape of Merle. As the Sue approached the cell, Louise saw that in her hand was the plothole generator, she could have jumped for joy.

"Well, well, well," Merle's voice was like oil-slick. "A rat caught in a trap"

"Yes, well done Merle. Now, give me that," Louise gestured at the plothole generator, "and I'll leave." She realised that she was never going to catch Merle now, so better to accept a gracious defeat for now, and return to the Library the moment the opportunity presented itself.

"I want to know how you managed to get on my ship," Merle crouched, lupinesque, in front of the cell.

"I won't tell you," Louise was defiant, and yet utterly terrified.

"I know you are from the Society, and therefore you have come to take me in. I cannot allow that. You have a lot to be grateful for, Mirani." Louise gasped. She hadn't been called that in over five years, long before she had joined the society, when Merle's original author had been Louise's best friend.

"Merle, things have changed. I'm not the cowardly little girl I was back then. You have corrupted enough fandoms to be locked in the basement for the rest of time. You have interfered enough here that it has appeared on the Society's radar. If I don't bring you in, someone else will follow me. You will be stopped, Merle." Louise was almost shocked at her defiance. Merle laughed; a mirthless laugh that sent shivers down the agent's spine. She had almost forgotten how malicious and vindictive Merle could be.

"You're not getting away from me this time." Merle opened the door to the cell, and Louise retreated to the far side. "HA, look at you, running away like you always did." Louise braced her foot against the wall. She would only get one shot at this. As Merle approached, stupidly leaving the cell door open, Louise pushed herself off from the wall, and launched her body into Merle's. Knocking the plothole generator to the floor, she slid unceremoniously to a halt, a few metres from the generator, and right next to the open cell door. Merle had likewise ended up sprawled across the dirt floor.

Years of dodging the bullies at school, and then later dodging bone-crushing hugs from fellow agent, Alice, had given Louise a generally unnoticed dexterity. She recovered first from the impact, and soon had the plothole generator in her hand. She was willing to lose her prohibitors and other equipment in exchange for a speedy and preferably safe return to the Library. She would no doubt get a grilling from Tash, not only for letting Merle escape, but for the fact that she knew about her existence before starting on this mission.

Louise gripped the plothole generator and, slipping around the cell door, ran full-pelt down the corridor. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Merle scrambling to her feet, and heard in the distance her angry protests at her prisoner's escape. She didn't stop until the sound of approaching guards caught her attention.

"Sod this," Louise would take all that Tash would throw at her. She knew what Merle could do, and didn't particularly want to be on the receiving end of it again. Raising the plothole generator to eye level, she gently squeezed the trigger, and the gateway to the Library opened before her. Swallowing hard, for Louise had never gotten used to plothole transportation, she stepped into the vortex and to safety.

-x-

Landing hard on the Monitor Room floor, Louise panted for breath. A pair of hands soon grasped her shoulders. Looking up, she gazed into the familiar face of her best friend, Alice.

"Dumpling, you're alive!" she greeted the exhausted agent with the usual glomp.

"Yes Alice," Louise choked "I'm very much alive. Now where's my inhaler?" a small aqua-blue medication dispenser was handed to her as Alice pulled her to her feet, and she was led gently to a chair.

"Are you alright?" Tash's voice was concerned, but held a level of authority. Louise looked at her and sighed. She was going to have to explain everything eventually, and now was as good a time as any. "I'm ok..." she gazed at her friends gathered around her. Alice – with whom she was almost as close as a sister. Dave – who had been many a source of puns and amusement, and Tash – her shoulder to cry on. And yet, Louise didn't feel like opening her past to everyone. Alice probably already knew a large majority of it...

"Alice, Dave, do you mind giving us a moment?" Tash's interruption had spared her from the impossible decision. Alice and Dave, whilst clearly worried about Louise's condition, yielded to Tash's authority as Librarian and left. "Now, Louise..." Tash turned to face her, "would you mind telling me what the hell happened?"

Louise sighed. Where to begin? "Well, it all started when I was at college..."