Saturday, July 27, 2013

Insert Rather Anti-Climactic Passing of Exam Here

A blond-haired girl rushed into the room, breathing heavily. "Sorry," she panted. "The LPGB made a gigantic pitfall and several Agents fell into it..."

She cleared her throat. "All right then. I'm Tash, the Librarian, but you probably knew that since you've passed the written part of the Rookie Exam. What's your name?"


Although Akai was generally an apathetic person, at the moment she was worried. After nearly sixty attempts, she had finally passed the written exam for the Anti-Clich̩ and Mary Sue Elimination Society. Her first worry was that someone would find out that she had cheated by simply folding down a page in one of the books she used to study for the exam. Her other worry was that after all this work, she might fail the exam again Рafter all, she had never taken the practical exam before.

Akai paused in her thinking. Or had she? Did the memory gas wipe that out as well?

"Ah, forget it. Get me a blueberry muffin."

The jun-akuma, which was floating near her shoulder, whipped out a plate with a napkin and muffin on top of it.

"Huh. You even remembered that I hate getting crumbs on my clothes," Akai remarked, taking a bite of the pastry. "And to think I used to think you were annoying and useless."

The jun-akuma stayed silent, as usual. Akai had never seen it talk, or give any indication that it had the power of speech.

Having finished her muffin, Akai wiped her mouth with the napkin, which she stuffed into the front pocket of her hoodie.

"Oh. I should be more careful with this."

Akai rummaged around in the pocket before pulling out a Communicator. She inspected it for a moment, found it free of damage, and then turned to the jun-akuma. "Prohibitor?"

The jun-akuma pulled out two of them from apparently nowhere.


After floating around aimlessly for a second, the jun-akuma produced several of the stickers.

"Scene Transition?"

As before, the jun-akuma made it appear.

"All right then, last but not least, Plothole Generator."

The jun-akuma stared blankly at her.

Akai stared back. "'ve got to be kidding me. Plothole Generator."

The jun-akuma spun around in mid-air and shook its head a few times.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Give. Me. The Plothole Generator. Now."

The jun-akuma floated around a bit more before shaking its head again and shrugging its shoulders.

Akai growled. "The thing that looks like a ray gun! The Plothole Generator! You idiot, I just gave it to you five minutes ago! Give me the damn thing or I swear I will rip your head off!"

The jun-akuma blinked several times before reaching behind it and displaying the gadget. Akai grabbed it.

"I'll keep it, you stupid midget."

With that, she fired up the generator, created a portal, and stepped into it, heading towards the destination of her practical exam.


"...and make sure that you get the Prohibitor onto the Sue securely, since there are cases where your target can break away from it," Tash said. "I'm pretty sure that whatever Sue you encounter in the fandom you're going to won't be too powerful, but you can never be too careful."

Akai nodded in response, and then said, "I haven't seen Aster or Chrys around. Where are they?"

Tash sighed. "Gone."

"They're... gone?"

Tash sighed again. "Yes, gone. They went a few days ago to catch a Sue in the Portal fandom, but they haven't returned since. I'm sorry that they couldn't be here to celebrate the fact that you finally passed, but there's really nothing I can do about it."

Akai raised an eyebrow. "You're not sending any backup? What if they're in big trouble?"

"Aster and Chrys are capable agents of the Society, despite their, ah, shortcomings at times," Tash replied. "Besides, we got in contact with Mizuho and she told us that the two of them are still alive and kicking."

Akai's eyebrow went a notch higher. "You're okay with leaving two clumsy idiots in a fandom dominated by a murderous artificial intelligence that has mastery over both dangerous weaponry and sarcasm? You have no second thoughts, none at all?"

Tash paused. She opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it.


The exam seemed simple enough. Akai was told that her goal was to catch a Sue (preferably alive), and that she was free to use whatever powers or skills she had. Her performance would then be graded and the resulting score would determine if she was to remain a Rookie or become an Agent.

Akai knew the fandom she was entering. The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya. The fourth novel in the Haruhi series, it covered the events of main character Kyon in an alternate world where the people he knew became normal humans (in the original world, he had met an alien, a time traveler, an esper, and a girl with god-like powers). Although the Haruhi series was dangerous because of powerful characters and a plot where anything could happen at the whim of a high school girl, Disappearance was somewhat safer since everyone was normal. Well, there was the knife-wielding classmate, but she didn't appear until later, and Akai had made sure that she was entering the fandom before the classmate went berserk.

Akai was also given information about the Mary Sue she was to capture. It was Level 2 – easy enough for a seasoned Agent to tackle alone, but difficult enough to challenge a Rookie. The Sue was detected after the Society registered large amounts of OC pairing activity. The Sue was fairly strong, but Akai was certain that she could handle the mission.

What she did not expect was her portal opening straight into a classroom where Kyon, the main character, and a girl, probably the Sue, were making out and looked to be on the verge of doing...well, to be perfectly honest, each other.

"...I totally feel for Taniguchi now," Akai said.

Kyon stared at her. "I thought I locked the door."

"I, um, didn't get here through a door," Akai replied. "And put your freaking shirt back on. I got enough of that during the Endless Eight arc. But that's not why I'm here." She turned to the girl, who was trying to edge discreetly towards the door. "Amaya Ayanami, by order of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society, you're under arrest for making out with Kyon, intending to do much more than making out with Kyon, stealing the last name of an awesome character from another series, and pairing Yuki Nagato with the President of the Computer Research Society." Akai paused. "I'm supposed to capture you alive, but for that last offense, I'm considering whether or not to stab you through the gut. No one. Messes. With. Nagato."


Michael poked his head into the Monitor Room, having heard a loud 'thump' while passing by. He saw Tash with her head planted firmly on a desk. "Aneki? What's wrong?

Tash groaned. "The Rookie I sent to the Haruhi fandom is a fangirl of that series..."


Amaya was pretty, in a doll-like sort of way. She had porcelain skin, emerald green eyes, and golden brown hair. The best trait about her, however, was her smile. It was shy yet dazzling, and made everyone in the vicinity want to sweep her up in their arms and protect her to their death.

"What are you talking about?" Amaya said. "I am a Humanoid Interface sent by the Integrated Data Thought Entity to observe –"

"I have no recollection of 'making out with Kyon' being related at all to simply 'observing'," Akai replied. "But then again, you seem pretty stupid for a Sue. The IDTE isn't supposed to exist in this version of the world."

Amaya's only response was to smile. Kyon blushed and muttered about how "cute" it looked.

Akai twitched. "You call that a smile? That's nothing near Nagato's..." She gave a nod to the jun-akuma, who deposited a spear into her waiting hands. "Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

She paused. "Crap, I sound like Team Rocket."

Amaya smiled again, only this time, her grin was full of malice. "If that's the case, then prepare to lose." Her lips began to move at a speed too quick for the eye to follow, and Akai realized that Amaya was not lying when she said she was an interface.

"Get that stupid look off your face and move your ass!" Akai growled, slapping a Copyright sticker on Kyon's forehead. Within a few seconds Kyon was back to normal, his face growing visibly confused at the scene before him.

"I said MOVE!" Akai roared, pushing him towards the door. "I'm only a Rookie and I'm nowhere near strong enough to fight the Sue and protect you at the same time."

Kyon had been in enough interface battles to understand that he was in danger, and fumbled with the lock before bursting through the door and running a safe distance away. As soon as he did so, the door disappeared, as did the windows, desks, and chairs in the classroom.

Akai felt her hands shake and gripped her spear tightly. "She's just a Level 2 Sue. She's not Asakura or anything," she muttered to herself. "Calm down already!"

"This area is under my jurisdiction now. I control all data in this space." Amaya suddenly appeared barely a foot away from Akai, her creepy grin still present. "You do know that you're doomed, right?"

Akai rolled her eyes. "Like hell. You may be an interface, but I doubt whatever author that created you brought back the IDTE to this world."

"True," Amaya said. "But why would I need the IDTE when I can do this?"

Before Akai could even blink, a katana materialized into Amaya's hand and Akai had to bring her spear up to block an attack.

"A katana? Oh, like I haven't already seen that before. At least, in the genderbent version of this series," Akai said. She sidestepped and jabbed her spear at Amaya, who gracefully dodged.

"How weak. I was hoping that the Society would send someone strong, but I guess not," Amaya said.

"Try coming closer and saying that again," Akai retorted.

"All right." Amaya became a blur as she moved towards Akai.

"Damn –!" Akai swung her spear up so she could block the oncoming attack, but Amaya's strength and speed nearly knocked her over. While Akai fumbled with her spear, Amaya kicked her hard in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her. The Sue raised her katana to strike, but Akai delivered a straight punch to the Sue's nose, distracting her long enough for the Rookie to back away and slip into a defensive stance.

Amaya glared at Akai, blood streaming from her nose and mouth. "You'll pay for that."

Akai gripped her spear firmly and tensed.

Amaya rushed at Akai at a speed only an interface could mirror. Akai brought up her spear to block again, but this time she pushed hard with her spear, making Amaya lose her balance and almost drop her katana. Amaya recovered quickly, though, and threw her katana. Akai ducked low to the ground, and threw her own spear in retaliation. It hit Amaya's shoulder, who cried out in pain.

"Didn't know that interfaces could feel pain," Akai commented as she walked up to the wounded Sue. She yanked the spear out and then stuck it through Amaya's other shoulder, drawing out another scream.

"You got my Spear-tan bloody. That won't do." Akai made a 'tsk tsk' sound as she pulled out her spear and pointed it at Amaya's heart. "Any last words?"

"P-please... don't kill me," Amaya said. "I'll tell you something... please..."

Akai raised an eyebrow. "What are you going to tell me that I don't already know about this series?"

"In the tenth novel, Asakura –"

"I told you, I already know that! Now shut up before you spoil it for any people reading this fanfiction who haven't seen that article yet!" Akai shouted.


In the Library, a large rumble resonated throughout the structure, causing several Agents to drop whatever they were holding, fall over, or wake up from a nap. The shakings soon ceased, but the noise was far from over.


"O-ouch..." Thought Marcus said, rubbing his backside. "C-c-c-could someone please t-tell Aster to s-s-stop breaking the fourth w-wall?"

"Actually, Aster's still on her mission," Michael said as he bent over to help Thought Marcus up.


"It actually happened because I was watching Akai's progress with Aneki. You know, the Rookie," Michael added when he received blank stares from both Marcuses. "...Aster's friend?"

"Th-that explains a l-l-lot," Thought Marcus said.


"No, w-wait!"

"I'm tired of waiting! Let me stab you and get it over with!" Akai snarled.

Amaya coughed harshly. "T-there's another...a Stu...he's in this school."

"Really now?" Akai said. "And why do you think I would trust you, seeing as you've lied about being an interface?"

"Please... he goes by the name of Wakahisa Shouta, and he's dating Mikuru-senpai. He's got dark violet hair, red eyes... maybe. One of his eyes is covered by an eye patch –" Amaya flinched as Akai held the tip of the spear to her throat.

"Did you say 'eye patch'?" Akai said. Her face was dead serious as she pushed the spear against the Sue until it drew blood. "Tell me, does he look really young?"

Amaya tried to nod, but the spear was still pointed at her neck. "Y-yes... he's supposedly a child prodigy. He's eleven but he's already a junior."

Akai glared at her. "You're very lucky, you know that?" She pulled out a Prohibitor and clapped it onto Amaya's wrist. "Congratulations, I'm not going to stab you." Akai then dragged Amaya to a storage closet, pushed her in, and then locked the door. "Try not to die of blood loss before I'm done with the Stu, okay?"


"There. All done!"

A young girl held up her notebook proudly. On one page were drawings of four characters with a short description next to each of them. On the other page was a larger, more detailed version of a fifth character. The proportions were incorrect – the fingers were too long, the head was too large, and the legs were too short, but nevertheless, the girl was happy that she completed her drawing.

"Now, what should your name be?" The girl looked around her room for inspiration. Her eyes landed on a volume of manga. "Yuki? He does kind of look like a girl, and he has a similar hairstyle...but that would be stealing, wouldn't it? Maybe Zero...but that sounds stupid."

Her eyes alighted on her character's face. One blank eye stared back at her. The other was covered by a hastily drawn eye patch – she always had problems getting her characters to have symmetrical eyes.

"I guess he'll have a power to go with it then," the girl mused out loud. "Like, he can see into the future, maybe...? What's that called again? A soothsayer? A seer?"

The girl snapped her fingers.

"That's it! Seer! But since his eye is really, really, special, I'll call him SEEer!" the girl cried, showing off the effect of the Internet on her capitalization sense. She quickly scribbled down a description next to the character, occasionally pausing to think over the details of her character.

"SEEer. A mastermind assassin, and he's only twelve years old! Wait, that sounds familiar..."

The girl's eyes shifted towards her bookcase. "Shoot. Now he's Artemis?"

She frowned and looked at her drawing disapprovingly. "This isn't working. It's like that one fox-hybrid character I made in third grade... SEEer's just too... perfect."


"...I think he's a Stu."

The girl sighed and flipped the notebook open to a new page. Time to try again.


"Not again," Akai groaned.

The couple broke apart from each other. The girl blushed madly and covered her face with her hands as if she were trying to hide.

"Holy hell, Mikuru!" Akai shouted. "I don't care if he's in your grade: he's freaking eleven years old!"

"My, my. You haven't changed," the boy said.

Akai whirled around and pointed a finger at him. "You're disgusting, SEEer. The last time I saw you, you were an emo twelve-year-old that liked to kill people. Now you're an eleven-year-old player?"

SEEer wrapped an arm around the trembling Mikuru. "On the contrary, Mikuru here is my girlfriend. Got a problem with that?"

"Of course I do. You're messing with canon, so it's my job to kick your butt. How did you even get in this fandom anyways?" Akai asked.

"Simple. I'm a slider," SEEer replied.

Akai groaned. "Thank god this is Disappearance and not the regular series...otherwise Haruhi would've made things much, much worse..."

"S-S-Shouta-kun?" Mikuru squeaked. "W-why is she holding a bloody spear? Is she your girlfriend?"

Akai nearly burst a fuse. "Me? And that shrimp? Together?"

SEEer chuckled. "You're one to talk. You're barely five feet tall."

Akai did burst a fuse then. "I. Am. Not. Short," she grounded out. "I'm taller than Mikuru!" She was about to rush at SEEer and punch his face in, but she stopped. Akai squinted at SEEer. "Hold on. Since when was your eye patch on your left eye? Wasn't it on your right?"

"As you've pointed out, I've changed," SEEer said, flipping his violet-colored hair. "For example, I can do this now." He lifted up the patch to reveal an eye with a silver iris.

"Goddamn it, please don't tell me you have a demon summoning contract," Akai said.

SEEer paused. "Nope."

" it a Geass?"

He shrugged. "Close enough." He gazed directly into Mikuru's eyes. Suddenly, Mikuru stiffened, her expression becoming blank. She began walking towards Akai.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Akai said, flipping her spear to the blunt end so she wouldn't hurt Mikuru.

"Well then, have fun," SEEer said. "I'm off now." He then opened up a plothole and disappeared.

"Get back here you –!" Akai dodged a punch from Mikuru. "Damn, I can't bring myself to hurt Mikuru..."

She then realized something. Akai reached into her pocket, pulled out a Copyright, and slapped it onto Mikuru's outstretched arm.

"I forgot. You can't fight worth a damn," Akai said, facepalming. "I'm so going to get that little punk...but I should probably go back. I hope the Sue hasn't died yet."


Tash crossed her arms. "Okay, what was that?"

"SEEer. He's a character my author made when she was younger, but she gave up on him since he was so Stu-ish. I guess he escaped from her and became a full-fledged one," Akai said.

"I see. So do you have a grudge against him?"

"Not really. He should have one towards me, actually," Akai replied. "In my early days my occupation was critiquing a lot of my author's work. I made quite a lot of vicious comments about SEEer. You know: 'Pshhh, what kind of assassin names themselves something as stupid as SEEer?', 'Wow, red eyes. Just... wow. How lame.', and 'He's a freaking shota. How the heck did he even get his job?'. Stuff like that."

"So, you stabbed a Sue in the shoulder, threatened to kill her, and then let a Stu escape?" Tash said.

Akai thought for a moment. "Hm. That about sums it up."

Tash sighed. "Well, seeing as you did bring in the Sue and the Stu had to be at least Level 4 or 5, I guess you're all right. You pass."

Akai blinked. "...that's it?"

Tash blinked back. "Did you expect a parade or something?"

"Not really... just, I thought there would be something a bit special since I took this exam over sixty times," Akai admitted.

Tash shrugged. "Hey, it's the Society. No one knows what the hell is going to happen next."


"Where's the damn kitchen?" Akai grumbled, wandering in the hallways of the Library. She felt like celebrating her promotion to Agent with a large bowl of ramen, but she had quickly gotten lost.

"Ah, whatever. Hey, can you make sandwiches?" Akai asked the jun-akuma.

It floated around for a while, and then pulled out a bag of potato chips.

" fail."

Just then, Tyler walked by.

"You're the new Agent, right?" he said. "Nice to meet you, I'm Tyler."

"Akai. Do you happen to know where the kitchen is?" the hungry girl asked.

Tyler laughed. "I don't need the kitchen when I can eat almost anything."

Akai blinked. She wasn't quite used to the Society yet.

"Well, thanks, I guess?" Akai was about to continue down the hallway, but paused. "Hey, Tyler? Want an Altoid?"

"What's that?"

Akai dug into a pocket and pulled out a tin. "Mints. Originally from Britain, they're very popular in America now. It contains pure mint liquor, so it's quite strong. 'Curiously Strong' is the company's slogan, actually."

Tyler stared at the tin. "Are they good?"

Akai shrugged. "Personally, I like them. It's my own special kind – they have a touch of crack in them."

"Well, sure. Thanks." Tyler took a mint from the tin and popped it into his mouth.

Akai watched him expectantly.

Tyler blinked once. Then, his eyes began to roll around, and he started bouncing up and down. Up...and down. Up... and down. Up... and down... all the way to the ceiling. Then he started moving sideways.

"Interesting. People can actually bounce off walls when they're sugar high," Akai noted. She continued walking. "I wonder what will happen if I slip a crack pill into Tash's drink..."


It had been three days since Akai joined the Society. During that time, she made 'that's what she said' jokes every other time she saw Michael and Claire together, gave Emily a speech that frightened her to tears, spiked Ben's Firebrand Whiskey with half a tin's worth of crack pills, and blatantly told Tom that it would be okay for her to assault him because she was a female and he was a male and juries usually ruled in favor of the female.

"Objection!" Akai screamed at her Nintendo DS. "Damn it! I said, OBJECTION!"

Karissa shivered in the corner of the room, along with several other Agents who were huddling together and trying to stay out of Akai's line of sight.

Suddenly, a plothole opened, and Chrys and Aster came stumbling out of it. Tash quickly got up to reprimand them.

Still, everyone was extremely eager to trade in peace and quiet in exchange for protection against the newest Society Agent.

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