Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Insert Another Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Here

Note: This takes place during multiple places in the timeline. Insert them where they go.

"Okay, how about Gilgamesh?"


"Um… Crown Clown?"

"Um… No."





"Fine. What if I bound an Elder God to my will?" Stephen asked, tossing his rather crummy drawing of Excalibur into a messy pile of several dozen others behind him and replacing it with another crummy drawing of himself riding Cthulhu, who was ripping through a Mary Sue. Tash lowered the book she'd been reading to look at him, her jaw dropped.

"Do you seriously expect me to okay that?"

"No, not really. But what if it was a baby Elder God?" Stephen asked, replacing his current picture for a drawing of a tiny Cthulhu in a diaper, with what looked like a leg bone sticking out of his mouth.


"Oh, come on! I'm running out of drawings!" Stephen moaned. Tash rolled her eyes and held out her hand.

"Give me your Plothole Generator," She ordered. Confused, Stephen handed his new Generator to her. The Librarian pressed a few buttons on it and handed it back to him.

"There. I've set it to randomize. I'm giving you a week off duty to go find a weapon of some sort. If you ever find anything that you like, contact me and I'll give you the verdict," She told him. Stephen took the Generator and put it back in his pocket. When he did so, Tash noticed the small leather sack hanging from his waist.

"What's that?" She asked him, pointing at it. Stephen took it off and handed it to her.

"It's my Bag O' Doodads," He explained as Tash emptied it. Inside was a white bouncy ball, a few rubber bands, a red Silly Putty egg, three paperclips, a spool of black thread, a small prism, a mini-slinky, a box of chalk, and a laser pointer. She looked up at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Please tell me you didn't get these things from a fandom," She asked him. Stephen shook his head vigorously.

"I didn't! It's just regular stuff that may come in handy!" He swore. Tash held up the egg of Silly Putty, an 'are you serious?' expression on her face.

"You have one week, Stephen. Don't forget to contact us regularly," She said, scooping the odds and ends back into the bag and handing it to him. Stephen took it and turned around to leave. And Tash nearly slammed her head against the desk.

Hanging from Stephen's back was a small green humanoid in a diaper with a dome shaped head and tentacles all around its mouth. It turned its head and gargled at Tash.

"Ste-PHEN!" She screamed as he opened the door.

"I'll put him back! I'll put him back!" Stephen said, waving a hand as he left.


Later… Unknown Fandom…

Stephen broke through the Plothole at a run, skidding to a halt as it closed behind him.

"Note… to… self… Kangaskhan… not… that… friendly…" He panted, putting his hands on his knees and drawing in deep breaths. It was day six of his journey through the fandoms, and so far he'd had no luck, even though he'd been through at least two dozen fandoms. Once he caught his breath, he looked at his surroundings.

It seemed to be in the middle of a park, on a path with a bench and a glass telephone box under a streetlight surrounded by bushes and grass. It was the middle of the night, and Stephen could see the lights of the city around the park. He plopped down on the bench, and threw his head back to look at the few faint stars in the night sky.

"Well… Judging by the position of Polaris in relation to the Big Dipper, I'd say that I…" He paused, "Have no idea where I am." He started laughing so hard that he slipped out of his sitting position, and lay down on the bench, continuing to laugh and look at the stars.

Then, something small hit him on the top of the head.

"Gah! What the?" Stephen shouted, falling off the bench and looking towards where the not-very-painful attack had come from. There was only darkness. Stephen started feeling along the ground to find whatever it was that had hit him. Finally, he found it. It was a rectangular piece of plastic, about the size of a credit card, but with no protruding marks on it that Stephen could feel. There may have been a design on it, but it was too dark too make out.

"Weird," He said to himself. Of course, it only got weirder when it started pulling him. He was yanked to his feet, being apparently led by the card straight towards the telephone box. He couldn't let go of the card, and could only utter expletives as he was dragged towards the light.

As the light got closer, his eyes grew bigger.

"Oh. SHIT," He said when he could fully see the card in the light.

It was almost blood red, with six large black letters on it that sent chills down Stephen's spine. Now he knew what fandom he was in, and he knew what was about to happen. The name of the fandom was the same name as the word on the card.

Just six letters.


The door to the phone booth opened, and Stephen tried digging his heels into the ground to stop his progress. He kept on being dragged towards the phone, as if the card was magnetic. Finally, he was in the phone booth, and the door shut behind him. The red card zipped into the calling card slot, and the payphone started to ring. The phone seemed to automatically pick up, and a woman's voice came through.

"Welcome to the Psyren Immigration Services. Please…" After that, the voice started speeding up until it was unintelligible, and the one and two buttons on the phone started pushing themselves in a seemingly random order. Stephen knew what was happening: the phone was automatically answering the seemingly pointless survey the woman was supposed to be giving him. Finally, the woman's voice slowed down, and the buttons stopped pressing themselves.

"Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren?" She asked. Stephen started jamming the two button (for no) repeatedly, but the woman's voice kept on repeating itself.

"Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren?"

"NO! I DON'T QUITE FEEL LIKE IT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Stephen screamed, giving up on pressing the button and starting to shove himself up against the door. It didn't budge.

"Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren? Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren? Hey, hey, wanna come to Psyren? Hey, hey, Stephen…" The woman said. Stephen turned around when the voice said his name.

"…Wanna beat Nameless?" The phone asked. It was silent after that. Stephen looked out at the bench where he had been sitting. His Plothole Generator and Communicator had apparently fallen out of his pocket when he had been lying there, and were now in several pieces on the bench. How that had happened just because they fell out of his pocket, Stephen didn't know.

"…Well?" The phone asked again. Stephen pressed the one button. Yes. The Psyren calling card came out of the slot, and Stephen took it with shaking hands.

"Now then…" He turned to look out at the bench again. Not to his surprise, there was someone, or something, standing right outside the door. It was dressed in a silver robe with what seemed to be fur at the neck, and wore a strange bird-like helmet. It was Nemesis Q, the one who summoned the Drifters, like he had just become, to Psyren. Slowly, Q pulled out a silver cell phone and put it to its ear. A quiet ringing sound began. Stephen knew it wasn't from the phone; it was only in his head, and it was calling him to Psyren.

"…Let's begin," Stephen said, and took the payphone from its cradle and put it to his ear.


"Your world is now… con-nect-ted," The phone said, and then burst into static. Stephen let it fall to the ground as he looked over the wasteland that was Psyren.

Slowly, he took in a deep breath.

"Well, shit," He said. A small trickle of warm blood started to flow from his nose.

"Well, double shit."



Okay, while I'm getting sick and awakening my new psychic powers (I'll explain in a minute, just hold on), let me give you the rundown on this fandom.

Welcome to the world of Psyren. Population: Not too much. Guess who's got two thumbs and just became what's called a Drifter? This guy.

What's a Drifter? Simple. A Drifter is someone from the present day world who is given the red Psyren calling card by Nemesis Q, and are forced to travel between their world and Psyren at Q's whim.

When a Drifter is called to Psyren, they are given a mission: They start out at one phone, and they have to get to another designated phone if they wanna go back to the present until their next calling. No time limit. No rules. Just one piece of advice:

Don't die.

See, Psyren's a weird place. The scenery is basically just sand and craggy rock, with the occasional ruined buildings. There are man-eating creatures called Tavoo roaming around, whose bodies dissolve into dust when they die. The sky is covered by a thin membrane from an asteroid from another dimension, blocking out direct sunlight, the people who breathe the air get psychic powers, and…

Hold on. Gotta go hurl again.

GUH. I don't think it's supposed to be yellow. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. The psychic powers.

Well, to cut a long story short:

Breathe Psyren's air.

Get psychic powers.

That's really about it.

Of course, when that happens, you get really, really, really, really sick for a few hours, and then, boom! Psychic powers! Of course, that's what's going on with me right now. It's not really supposed to happen right after taking one breath, but I guess I can just chalk it up to all that inter-fandom travel I've been doing the past few days. I have no clue. Now, let me tell you a little bit more about these powers…

Okay, startin' to get dizzy. Imma pass out right now, if nobody minds. Probably wake up in about a day or so. Nighty-night. Don't let the Tavoo bite.

…Pretty please?


Several days later…Insert the events of Insert Jaw-Dropping Reveal Here Here…

Stephen stood on the top of the tallest building he could find and surveyed the landscape. It had been several days since he had arrived in Psyren, and he was trying to get a hold on his new abilities. His clothes were slightly ragged, except for his hat, which was kinda ragged to begin with. Another major factor to consider was that he had not had his ADD medicine in a few days, and was a little bit… hyper. When he was satisfied with what he saw, he started backing away from the edge slowly.

"One small step for Stephen…" He said, and started running to the edge.

"ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND!" He shouted as he leapt off the building, going farther than a normal human should be able to jump. Of course, Stephen isn't exactly a 'normal human' at the moment.

Let me explain.

In this fandom, there are three categories of Psy (Psychic powers).

There's Rise, which is what Stephen's using right now. Rise just increases physical capabilities to superhuman levels, can lower damage taken, and even heal.

Burst is the more classic type of Psy. It includes abilities that alter the world around the user, such as pyrokinesis, telekinesis, and electricity control. It's also the most taxing of the three types of Psy, but Stephen can't use that. Or, if he can use it, he just hasn't figured out how yet. Rise just comes to him easier.

The third is Trance, which includes mind abilities, such as mind reading and mind control. It's also the…

"Dude, nobody's listening to your ranting," Stephen said as he landed on the ground about a hundred yards from where he had jumped. He hit the ground running, fast.

Wait, what? How did you…

"I haven't had my ADD meds in a few days. The Fourth Wall is nothing to me right now."

You're a Self-Insert! You're talking to yourself!

"Hey, I haven't had a good conversation in a while. We both know that volleyball wasn't a very good conversationalist."

That is because you threw him into orbit.

"He was looking at me funny."

He didn't have eyes.

"I know that. That's why I drew some eyes on him before I chucked him. I'm very considerate," Stephen said, making a running jump and going about twenty five feet. He didn't start running again when he landed.

"You don't have to describe everything that's going on, you know. I'm right here," Stephen pointed out.

I'm saying it for the readers, stupid.

"You just called yourself stupid. And if there are readers, they're not exactly being very excited by the story right now. I'M starting to get bored," Stephen complained.

Get bored with this.

The sharp sound of a siren pierced the air. Stephen nearly jumped out of his skin, and started looking at his surroundings as if something would jump out and eat him. It probably would.

"Why didn't you tell me there was a siren tower nearby?" Stephen hissed.

Well, this is what you get for breaking the Fourth Wall so much. Lesson learned?

The siren towers were one of the major dangers in Psyren. They frequently let loose a loud siren, luring unwitting Drifters to their dooms. The towers were patrolled by the deadly Tavoo, and the only way they could be beaten would be through the use of Psy or by exposing them to direct sunlight.

"Fine! Fine! No more conversations with the narrator! That's Tyler's jurisdiction!" Stephen promised, starting to back up towards where he had come from. Then, he bumped into something that hadn't been there a few minutes ago.

Stephen slowly turned around to face his new obstacle. It was a giant, eyeless worm maybe twenty five feet long and about as wide as Stephen, with a dark sphere above its round dagger filled mouth that Stephen recognized as an Illuminas Core, marking it as a Tavoo. Stephen looked at the giant worm for a moment.

And grinned.

"I shall name you… Lowlie," He decided. 'Lowlie' struck out at him. With a small jump, Stephen evaded the attack, letting the worm get a mouthful of rock. It swallowed the snack and turned back to Stephen.

"Okay, there are going to be a few rules in our partnership," Stephen said as he charged at the Tavoo. He dealt it an uppercut, sending both of them air-born.

"Rule number one! I will be wearing the pants in this relationship!" Stephen shouted as he threw a flurry of punches strengthened by Rise. After that, he gripped the worm and threw it to the ground.

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LEGS!" He continued as he landed on the worm feet first.

"Rule number two! You will show me where I can find some food!" Stephen said as he grabbed the worm's tail and started swinging it around. He let go, allowing it to spin through the air.

"Because unlike you, I can only go so far on eating rocks and dirt!" He added when the worm struck a boulder, making a cloud of dust. When the dust cleared, there was a new hole in the boulder that Lowlie would fit in. Stephen started looking around, waiting for it to surface.

"Rule number three!" He shouted when he felt a rumble in the ground beneath him. He leapt straight up just as Lowlie broke through the soil, its mouth open wide. The worm followed him up as far as it could go. When Stephen started descending, and was about to land in Lowlie's mouth, he stuck his legs out, slightly bent, striking opposite sides of the worm's mouth, blocking it and holding him in position.

"Attempts to eat me are frowned upon!" He finished, stretching out his legs and making a new rip in the worm's mouth. It bellowed in pain, and Stephen jumped down to the ground. Lowlie writhed on the ground in front of him, shrieking in pain. Stephen dusted his clothes off and shook his shoes to remove worm saliva.

"Are we understood?" He asked.

Even if Lowlie could have talked, it never got the chance to. Because at that moment, the impossible happened, and the membrane covering the sky vanished, letting in pure sunlight.

Now Lowlie really started screaming. Its body started to dry up and crack, before it dissolved into dust which was blown away by the wind. Stephen looked up at the clear blue sky. It wasn't just one hole in the membrane; the entire membrane was just gone.

"Well, that's not supposed to happen."


 Meanwhile… The Library…

At the moment, the Library was in chaos. People were madly searching for the fandom that Stephen had gone missing in; not even the revival of Adrian, the Librarian, disturbed them from their hunt.

Heh heh heh heh. Yeah right. They had completely forgotten about him.



She had come, and she had brought the sun with her.

Her name was Genevieve Lucifia Sol, Jenny to her friends (and almost everyone she met became her friend), and she was a Drifter whose Burst manifested itself in complete control of sunlight. With her ability, she was able to destroy the membrane blocking out the sunlight, destroying the Tavoo and the fandom's Big Bad, W.I.S.E. She may have specialized in Burst, but she was also fairly proficient in both Rise and Trance, making her one of the most powerful Espers in Psyren. With her abilities, she had become the leader of the human survivors, and led them to build a mighty city out of pure crystal.

She was a Mary Sue.

She was Stephen's ticket out.


Stephen stood outside of the Crystal Palace, where Genevieve ruled with a delicate iron fist. Stephen clenched his fists and thrust the doors open.

"This is for you, Lowlie…" He promised. Then he stopped dead when he saw what was inside.

It was a banquet to end all banquets. Food was piled high, and people milled about, talking and laughing. Stephen saw several canon characters, not to his surprise, but his attention was drawn to the large piles of thick, juicy steaks. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that he had only been eating dirt and rocks for the past few days.

"This is also for you, Lowlie…" He said as he approached the steak mountain, his mouth watering.



"Okay, time to get back on track, I guess," Stephen said after he had decimated the banquet's stores of steak, broccoli, and baby potatoes. He walked towards the largest group of people that he could see; knowing the common behavior of Sues, she was most likely to be in the very center of it. He reached into his Bag O' Doodads and pulled out the bouncy ball, the laser pointer, the spool of thread, and the prism. This was the reason he had compiled it; he could use the contents of the bag in very clever ways, if need be. He concealed the bouncy ball in his left hand and prism in his right hand, and used the thread to tie the laser pointer to the underside of his right thumb.

After shouldering his way through the crowd, he got his first glimpse of her.

Everything about her was reminiscent of the sun. Her hair was golden, so bright it seemed to shine, her skin was so pale it reflected the light, and her eyes were so alight with kindness, they seemed to be miniature suns. It was almost hard to look straight at her. He tapped on her shoulder to get her attention.

"'Scuse me, miss. I was wondering if you'd be willing to open a Plothole for a trapped Agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society," He said bluntly. Things got quiet very, very quickly. Genevieve turned to face him.

"…Are you insane, or just stupid?" she asked him. Stephen shrugged.

"Little of column A, little of column B. It sounded like a good idea in my head," he said. Sunlight began to filter into the room unnaturally, gathering around Genevieve like a halo.

"So, is that a no?" Stephen asked. The people around Genevieve started to build up their own Psys; they were all canon characters, and all incredibly strong.

"Okay, plan B," Stephen decided. He cupped his hands in front of him, as if he was caging something in his hands. He pressed the button on the laser pointer hidden in his hands, which shot a beam of red light into the prism, and the little points of light from it started escaping from his hands.

'I feel like I just broke the laws of physics… Oh, well,' He thought to himself. The people around him started looking uneasy; for all they knew, Stephen could have been preparing some incredibly powerful Burst. The light show didn't hurt, either.

Finally, Stephen produced the white bouncy ball from his hands, turning off the laser pointer and stopping the light show.

"Behold my power! Highly compacted Burst energy, just waiting to be released! If I drop this thing, we're all going to hell!" He shouted dramatically. They bought his bluff. Even Genevieve looked like she fell for it.

"Now, I'll ask again: Will you open up a Plothole for me?" Stephen asked Genevieve. She shook her head.

"…Fine," Stephen said, and dropped the ball. People turned tail and scrambled away from the tiny sphere of rubber as fast as they could. Even Genevieve moved away from it.

There was only silence when it bounced off the floor.

Stephen was gone.

Genevieve's face twisted into a scowl, and she screamed in rage before disappearing.


Stephen dashed away from the Crystal Palace as fast as he could, reaching impressive speeds thanks to Rise. He was cackling like a madman.

"I can't believe it worked! I can't believe it worked!" He crowed, feeling very proud of himself.

"I'll admit it was clever. I don't plan on falling for it again," Genevieve said. Stephen did a double take; Genevieve, who was incredibly skilled in Rise, had already caught up with him. She was moving at the same pace as he was, and didn't even look like she was going full speed. Stephen started racking his mind to think of how to shake her off. A grin broke across his face.

"Race you to Cape Soya and back!" He called out. Genevieve grinned.

"You're on," She said, and then she was gone. Stephen slowed down to a stop, watching as she raced off to the north. He chuckled.

"Lucky she's hot, cause she ain't too clever."



Genevieve arrived back at the starting point of the 'race' about an hour after she had left, panting for breath. Stephen was sitting on a rock, obviously waiting for her.

"Took you long enough," He said, standing up and brushing himself off. Genevieve scowled at him.

"Are you done playing games, Agent?" She asked venomously. Stephen considered this for a moment, and then shook his head.

"Not really. Like I always say: When the going gets tough…" He reached behind a rock and pulled a long object out, laying it on his shoulder, "…Cheat."

"Is that what I think it is?" Genevieve asked, pointing at the object that Stephen was carrying. He nodded.

"Yep. This is the end point. I doubt it was intended to be used like this, but you get the picture," He said. What he had on his shoulder was a payphone on a thick metal pipe, wires still sticking out of the end of it. The phone itself had been fastened to the cradle with a wad of Silly Putty. Of course, it wasn't just any payphone. It was, as Stephen had said, the end point of this leg of their journey through Psyren. If a Drifter put the phone to their ear, they would be whisked back to the present day world until Nemesis Q called for them again.

"...Wait, how'd you know I was a Drifter?" Genevieve asked, sunlight starting to gather around her.

"I read your character introduction," Stephen said simply, and then leapt at her, the payphone above his head. Genevieve jumped out of the way, but Stephen pulled back his swing and chased after her, another swing prepared.

Genevieve shot a thin beam of sunlight at Stephen, but he lifted his hand with the prism in it. The sunlight refracted into numerous spots of rainbow colored light. Stephen swung the payphone at her, making contact and sending her headlong into a boulder. Stephen shouldered her prone form, knocking the breath out of her lungs. He kept her pinned to the rock while he pulled the phone off its cradle and held it out to her.

"Fo-fo for you!" He said as it pressed to her ear. She vanished. Not wasting a second, Stephen put the phone to his ear as well.


It was the middle of the night on the wooded outskirts of the city. Stephen was still holding the payphone-on-a-stick, and he brought it down again on Genevieve, who was trying to run away. She was knocked to the ground, as Stephen used the payphone to keep her down.

"Don't think so!" He said. Genevieve grunted in anger.

"You pathetic human! We may be weaker when not in Psyren, but I can still control sunlight!" She screamed at him. Stephen looked up at the sky.

"It's the middle of the night, stupid," He said flatly. Genevieve howled again.

"So, how about it? If you open up a Plothole for me, I'll let you go, and you'll never see me again. Or, you can be the first Sue to ever get brained by a payphone. Your choice," Stephen said. Genevieve growled at him.

"…Name the fandom," She snarled.

Stephen told her.

Genevieve started laughing.

"Never thought I'd hear an Agent willingly say he wanted to go there!" She laughed, no doubt finding this hilarious. Stephen kicked her in the side.

"Just open the Plothole," He said. Genevieve snapped her fingers and the Plothole appeared in the air in front of them. Giving her one last parting whack with the phone, Stephen walked through the Plothole without looking back.

When he was gone, Genevieve shrugged off the payphone and sat back against a tree. After a moment, someone dangled a can of coffee in front of her face. She looked at the man who was offering it and snatched it from him.

"You have my gratitude, Genevieve," Nameless said, leaning against the tree, his katana at his side. Genevieve opened the can with a click.

"We're even now, Nameless. You saved my life, I helped you with your little pet project," She grunted, taking a sip of the coffee. Nameless smirked.

"Nevertheless, I still owe you a favor. And I always pay back favors," Nameless said, standing up straight and turning his back to Genevieve. She didn't see the hand he had on his sword.

"Yeah? And how are you supposed to pay me back?" She asked, laughing into her can of coffee. Nameless flicked the katana slightly out of its sheath with his thumb.

"With a painless death."

"What –?" Genevieve started to say. Nameless fully unsheathed his sword, spinning around and cutting through her and the tree behind her, returning to his former position. Genevieve Lucifia Sol faded from existence, and Nameless sheathed his katana with a click at the same moment the can of coffee and the tree hit the ground. Nameless opened a Plothole and left, leaving the spilled can on the ground.


Several days later… The Library…

With a sight that simply cannot be described without inducing mass vomiting, the Great Persona of Crack, Fred, appeared in the Library Arcanum. When the eight-hundred pound mustachioed man wearing a grass skirt and coconut shell bra touched down in the common room, where Adrian, Tash, Ben, Jared, and Aster (in her manga fort) were relaxing, it registered as an eight-point-oh on the Richter scale, and was mistaken for the Fourth Wall being broken.

"ASTER!" Adrian shouted, not noticing the walking mountain that had appeared behind him.

"Kyaa! Adrian-kun, I'm right here!" Aster moaned, sticking her head out. Then she noticed Fred.

"K-kyaa?" She said, not knowing what to say about him. The other residents of the common room looked at the Persona of Crack. Their reactions were varied.

Ben dropped down to one knee in front of his old mentor, his head bowed. Jared groaned, knowing that he would be called "Whatey" soon. Tash's jaw dropped to the floor. Adrian turned very pale as he recognized the walking tank in front of him. Aster just returned to her reading, after realizing the fat man wasn't getting in the way of her and her manga.

"Ah, the good ol' Library! Just like old times!" Fred said joyfully, stretching his flabby arms. His moustache mimicked his action. When Fred's stretch was done, he turned to the people staring at him.

"Why, hello there, Ben, Whatey, Lady-I-Don't-Know, Other-Lady-I-Don't-Know, and… Well, by Mount Rushmash! Is that you, Adrian?" Fred shouted, plodding up to the Librarian and embracing him in a hug that brought him off the ground. Adrian nearly vanished into one of Fred's many fat rolls.

"Oh, uh… F-Fred, it's, uh, it's been a while…" Adrian said when Fred finally let him go, "You've, uh…" He tried looking for the right word to describe the change that had overcome his old acquaintance.

"You know this guy?" Tash hissed to him.

"Yeah, back when he weighed about six hundred pounds less!" Adrian hissed back.

Fred, who had not heard their conversation, guffawed.

"Oh, you don't have to be shy about it, Adrian. I know, I know…" He struck a 'sexy' pose, the moustache doing the same thing, "I have gotten damn sexy."

Tash threw up a little in her mouth. Jared turned a shade of green and returned to his book. Ben's facial expression couldn't be seen.

"Well, uh, as… nice as it is to see you again, what, uh, what brings you here?" Adrian asked, trying very hard not to be distracted by the way Fred's layers of fat were jiggling. Fred crossed his arms, the moustache reaching down and scratching his uppermost chin. A second later, the moustache snapped it's 'fingers'.

"Uh!" Fred said triumphantly, proud he had remembered. All he received were confused stares.

"Oh, you know, Agent Uh? I met him a few days ago back at my new Mount Rushmash in Twilight. He said he needed me to help him get back here, and I decided to help him, but I, well… forgot about him for a few days," Fred said, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Who's Uh?" Ben asked, looking up. In response, Fred started fishing through his fat rolls, finally pulling out a large clump of mashed potatoes, with…

With a faded orange hat.



"The mashed potatoes… Please, please, no more… No MORE!" Stephen screamed, a look of abject terror on his face as he shot up out of the bed in the Medical wing. The four people at his bedside jumped back in surprise.

"The patient is awake!" Valerie announced. Stephen curled himself up into the fetal position, his eyes wide open and continually muttering something about 'great veins of gravy'.

"You're saying Fred forgot about him for how long?" Michael asked.

"About three days. He said something about an ice cream truck…" Adrian started, but Stephen shot up, stiff as a board.

"ICE CREAM TRUCK!" he screamed, and then fell back down.

"Doo-doo-doo-da-da-doo-dadoo… doo-da-doodooda-doo-da-doo-doo…" he started singing under his breath before sticking his thumb in his mouth.

"We'll ask him about it when he's feeling better. Right now, he needs something to eat that's preferably not mashed potatoes," Valerie decided.

"Agreed," Tash said.

Stephen continued to hum the ice-cream truck jingle with his thumb in his mouth. He soon returned to a comatose state.


Several days earlier… Twilight…

It is widely known that the people in the Twilight version of Forks, Washington are about as sharp as hammers. Their truancy officers were practically nonexistent, they didn't notice that some of their students in the high school sparkled, and they paid absolutely no attention to the giant pile of mashed potatoes in the center of town. Bella Swan looked at it, thinking (for one of the first times in her life).

"Eddie? Why is there a giant pile of mashed potatoes in the center of town?" She asked her vampire fairy boyfriend stalker. Edward Cullen, resident douche bag vampire hottie jackass, shrugged.

"Let us ignore it, dearest lamb. Like we ignored the helpless victims of the Volturi, one of whom was likely a philanthropist who gave millions of dollars a year to charity, and is now Volturi pee. Come, let us frolic and touch faces."

And so they did.

Fred, the Great Persona of the Crack genre, sat upon his squishy throne and worked on his tan. He was slowly inflating as he drew in the powers of pure crack that only Twilight could provide. At the foot of Mount Rushmash, a Plothole opened, which Stephen stumbled out of. Fred lowered his mirror screen and looked at the newcomer. The tanning could wait.

"Why, hello, there, child! What's your name?" He asked, standing up and sliding down the mountain. Stephen was speechless.

"Uh…" He said. Fred grabbed his hand and started to shake it vigorously.

"Why, it's a pleasure to meet you, Uh! Now, since you have a name like that, I'm willing to bet you're an Agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Food Source – I mean, Society. Am I right?" He asked. Stephen started shaking his head.

"And I can assume that you're stranded with no way to get back to the Library, and you need someone to help you get there, right? And this somebody is one of the greatest Personae in existence, is shaking your hand right now, and has a name that rhymes with 'head'?" Fred continued, still shaking Stephen's hand.

"That's about it, Fred," Stephen said when his hand was released. Fred broke into a wide smile.

"Well, then, hop aboard, young one! All aboard the Fred Express! Toot toot!" He called, lifting up one of his fat rolls and beckoning Stephen to climb in. Stephen looked at it warily.

"Um, are you sure that's sa –" He started to ask, but Fred got impatient and shoved Stephen inside. Fred let the fat roll fall down, and Stephen's shouts of protest were drowned out.

"Now then…" He said, sitting down and bringing his feet up to his open mouth. Then, he stopped dead when a familiar jingle filled the air.

"ICE CREAM TRUCK!" He shouted, jumping up and bounding after the object of his hunger.


Several days later…

Of course, with Fred, when it came to ice cream trucks, you couldn't have just one. Soon after catching the first truck, emptying it, and mentally scarring the driver for the rest of his life, he started chasing another, and another, and another, and another, until he began a day long chase with a truck shaped like a giant hot dog. The chase was put to an end when the truck was run off the road.

The driver hugged the dashboard hula girl close to his body as he felt the ground shake under Fred's feet. The Great Persona of Crack leaned down to look through the window, a large smile on his face.

"Why, hello, Mr. Hot-Dog-Truck-Man! What's your name?" He asked.

"Uh…" The driver tried to say something, but couldn't. Fred looked confused for a moment.

"Uh? Strange… I seem to remember a guy named Uh… What happened to…?" He paused as realization dawned on his face.

"Oh. Crap," He said, then sat down, put his feet in his mouth, and ate himself. The driver sat there for a few minutes before finally passing out.


Several days later…

"Subject has been comatose for a total of three days so far… Am using a remedy suggested by Ben to rouse the patient," Valerie said from inside her hazmat suit. She pulled out a dropper with some strange liquid inside and hung it over Stephen's open mouth.

"Applying one drop of concentrated Firebrand Whiskey essence…" Valerie announced to the leaders watching from a safe distance. Valerie carefully squeezed the dropper, letting one drop fall into Stephen's mouth. The effects were almost instantaneous. Stephen's eyes sprang open and he shot out of bed, running circles around the room at breakneck speeds, screaming unintelligibly before finally crashing in a heap at the feet of the leaders.

"Gnguuhh…" He groaned, looking up at Adrian, Tash, Hati, and Michael. He paused when he saw Adrian.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked, too tired to be polite.

"Polite kid, isn't he?" Adrian said sarcastically.

"How long have I been out? What did I miss? Who is this guy?" Stephen asked, forcing himself up on his elbows.

"You missed a lot. Where were you?" Hati asked, helping Stephen up to his feet.

"Long story. I was in a fandom called…" Stephen froze, staring at a patch of empty space as if there was someone there.

"Stephen?" Michael asked.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," Stephen groaned, fishing through his pockets. He pulled out a red piece of rectangular plastic and looked at the back of it. He put it back in his pocket before the others could get a good look at it.

"Sorry, but I can't tell you where I was," He finally said, still staring at the same spot. The others followed his gaze, but they couldn't see anything. Valerie, however, could see a faint silvery blur, but couldn't make out any details.

"What? Why not?" Tash asked.

"In the words of a so-called 'moe' time traveler," He made air quotes around the word moe, "Classified information. Now then…"

He clapped his hands together and turned to face Adrian.

"I still don't know who you are."

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