Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Insert Ridiculous Name + A Vampire Here

Princess Ruby Sapphire Emerald Heartgold walked through the halls humming 'Dancing in a Velvet Moon'. It had been only two weeks since she had come to Yokai Academy and befriended Tsukune before defeating The Yokai Academy Protection Committee. She had defeated them all easily without having a hair out of place, looking like beauty incarnate all the while. She was so beautiful and powerful that even Inner Moka asked Ruby to train her. Those two weeks had felt like two years to the poor remaining readers and they were just pulling out the last of their hair when the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society found her. Cut them a break, they've been really busy lately. Besides she's only a level two Sue, right?


A girl was lounging on a couch alone in the Library, looking utterly bored. There were no explosions or chaos, which was a little unsettling. I mean, this is the Library Arcanium for crying out loud. Things had been somewhat quiet since Adrian's return. The person, whose name here is Inara by the way, looked around thirteen or so, she was pretty tall. Inara had been in the Library for a while, keeping to herself and reading books. She was pretty shy and almost everyone in the Society was older than her, making it a bit hard to actually make more than a few vowel sounds before ducking away. She blew a few strands of her short brownish hair out of her face, when an alarm rang out. About time something was loud and hopefully chaotic.

Inara fell off the couch at the sudden noise, blinking in surprise. Though she quickly picked herself up and began to run toward the meeting room. After the flying spatulas on Monday she had quickly given up on any real sense or reason. Why it took her that long to give up on them was anyone's guess. The alarm really wasn't surprising at all, she was just new. Then when she was running, vainly trying to look somewhat cool she tripped over a book lying on the ground. Did I forget to mention she zones out a lot? Yeah, this won't end well.

Time Skiiiiip

She stumbled into the room just as Tash began to speak. "Does anyone here know the Rosario+Vampire fandom?" Tash asked, checking the room for raised hands. Most of the agents were there. Minus the ones who were lazy, busy, lost, or treating injuries from Shirley. One of the few that were missing was the rookie, Inara. It really wasn't a good sign that she was already late. Seriously, it was only the first actual briefing while she was here.

Inara, still out of breath from running, raised her hand. An inhaler is probably a wise investment if that little run winded her. She was the only one with her hand up in the air. It had taken five minutes to run to the briefing room from the other side of the Library, seriously. The journey to the briefing room had been kind of messy, involving several dead ends and bits of getting lost. There was even a Scooby Doo-style chase with Shirley. The ones with a long hallway and about 20 doors to nowhere. Not to mention almost getting eaten by a few copies of the Monster Book of Monsters. Why would anyone in their right mind leave those lying around? Then there was trap that Adrian had set for his chocolate that Inara blundered through. She doesn't even like chocolate.

"Okay, you can take the mission, it's a level two Sue," Tash replied wondering if that was a good idea, the girl was only thirteen and, frankly, she looked like a wimp. Like the kind of girl that would be dodging any and all work, especially work involving physical labor. Inara barely heard what Tash was saying because she got hyper over finally getting a mission said had already run from the room. Inara would finally get to prove that she could do something! Hopefully she wouldn't screw up too badly. Which you know she will. Society law, sort of.

It really didn't look very impressive that she was already late, out of breath, and an angry Shirley in the distance. Inara's eyes narrowed in somewhat heroic determination and she ran faster, promising herself that she wouldn't fail. Inara grabbed her Plothole Generator from her belt and firing it. It opened up a portal and you could see a cemetery in anime style on the other side. She jumped through the pretty, slightly swirling, energy without a pause, or even a monologue.

"I am so glad I practiced that." Inara thought as she landed in the cemetery. A cold wind blew through the cemetery and sent a chill down her spine. The kind of chill that's often described as "someone walking over your grave". And she's in a cemetery. The tombstones were cracked and old, most of the inscriptions almost faded away. Inara frowned as she saw one that she could have sworn said "Amelia Earhart".

Her boots sank into the soft cemetery ground and she realized that she was already on her sixth costume change since her request to join the Society. She was wearing a cut off jacket over her Society t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and boots. The jeans were dark blue, the rest of the ensemble black. The earth was soft and slightly damp and Inara quickly shuffled out of the cemetery. Way too many people had been captured there, or killed, or seriously injured. Inara thought she heard something moving and paused for a second, her muscles automatically tensing for a fight.

She wildly whipped her head around and tried to remember if there were any mentions of zombies in this cemetery. She shook her head and ran along the path, luckily knowing exactly where she was. How convenient. Her footsteps were muffled by the soft ground as she ran down the path that led to the school where most of the important stuff in the series took place.

Soon Yokai Academy came into view. It was old, covered in vines, with cracked walls. It would surprise no one who saw the building if the school was haunted. No normal human would ever like to step foot in that building. Naturally, monsters and demons loved it, except for the Math. Inara walked up to the school, looking at the windows, completely forgetting that she actually had something important to do here. Then she remembered what she was supposed to do and asked herself, "Now, back when I wrote Sues where would I have them go? Oh yeah, the main characters. I totally didn't forget."


"Ten bucks on her fangirling and wiping out" Ben challenged Drake. It was a pretty slow day in the Society, only two people were on missions. Inara's mission was showing on a nice large screen in a room the Library had thoughtfully provided for some people who wanted to watch. Some were watching out boredom, some out of curiosity, and one or two out of an odd combination of the two. The room was medium sized and had some soft and comfy looking seats.

"Most of the fandom's main characters are girls kyaa~" Aster pointed out, wondering if anyone had actually done research on what the fandom was about, just in case. Really, it could have been what was supposed to be Blacklist and no one would know. Aster had been in the manga section in the Library and the Sue was weak any way, Inara could probably handle it. Probably. Ben sighed, looking disappointed. There went his ten bucks, and he had wanted that new game. Oh well, he could find other things to do, and hopefully not get put in the infirmary by Shirley for a little while. He didn't want a reserved bed in there.

"How many people joined up while I was dead?" Adrian asked, looking slightly confused. Things had been rather hectic following his revival, people had to readjust and the Society had grown. Boy had it grown. Things sometimes became confusing, but everything was almost back to normal. People were already taking bets on when the next trench coat would go.

Tash wrote things down on clipboard, not responding. Even though the mission had just started, and what was with the clipboard anyway? She clicked her pen and frowned, her gut was telling her that something was wrong but she brushed it off as simple pessimism and looked up at where Inara had jumped out of the plothole. Hopefully the rookie would be able to handle it.


Inara had the Prohibitor in her left hand and her quill in her right. She would have another Prohibitor in her pocket, but she had forgotten it on top of her DS. She carefully scanned the school grounds, determined to do well and earn her spot in the Society. She walked into the school, deciding that's where the most canon characters would be, and therefore the safest bet for finding Ruby. The halls were much nicer than the outside; apparently a clean environment was necessary for school. Who'd have thought? It was going to be hard to find the Sue, the main characters would be dangerous to run into, and she didn't have any refined skills for tracing energy.

From somewhere a bell rang and students flooded the halls. Somehow not a single student noticed she wasn't one of them. She would pin it on the fact that she was a Self-Insert and had some very basic, don't notice me abilities. Or they thought she was new and didn't have a uniform.

Either way it let Inara easily move around in the crowd and overhear gossip and who the "mysterious beautiful girl" liked to hang out. Inara's eye was twitching uncontrollably after hearing almost every student fawn over the Sue like she was a goddess. But soon, not soon enough for Inara, everyone filed into their respective classes. Inara sighed and walked towards stairs leading upward.

Inara carefully made her way up to the roof of the school, looking around curiously, resisting the urge to fangirl out and find Moka. Ruby had been in the fandom for a while and could have done pretty much anything she wanted. Inara sighed and cracked her knuckles, mentally preparing herself for the inevitable beating.

When Inara reached to roof of the school she saw a girl standing there with her back facing Inara and her long golden hair flowing in the light breeze. Inara made herself known by calling out "Princess Ruby Sapphire Emerald Heartgold, in the name of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society I place you under arrest for fandom manipulation, causing OOCness, disregarding canon, and making Inner Moka look weak."

Ruby turned around and launched herself at Inara without a sound. Inara's eyes widened and she went into a defensive stance, bringing her quill up in front of her. It glowed and changed into a sharp dagger. Inara ducked and cut Ruby's side before whipping around and slashing Ruby's back. Ruby didn't react to the cuts or the blood pouring out of her wounds, just whirling around to face Inara. Ruby attacked again, landing a kick on Inara's stomach that pushed the rookie off balance and winded her, pushing Inara toward the edge of the roof.

Inara smacked into the railing and glared at Ruby. The newbie recovered, intent avoiding being hit again at all costs. Ruby apparently had no actual training and no super-powerful fighting technique, which was nice. But Inara worried and wangsted over how Ruby should be more powerful than this, completely forgetting for a few seconds that someone was trying to kill her. Inara's horridly timed internal monologue was cut short by Ruby, you know, punching her.

Inara dodged to the side and hit Ruby in the side with a roundhouse kick. Probably not the smartest decision she's ever made. But Ruby grabbed Inara's leg and pulled her closer. Ruby's hand moved so quickly it couldn't be seen and when it stopped it was at Inara's throat, slowly choking the life out of the totally screwed unfortunate rookie. Somehow Inara was still able to think in actual sentences even though she was being killed. Though it didn't really help her considering that pretty much all that was going through her head was "Oh dear God she's going to kill me." Inara dropped her dagger and grabbed her Prohibitor out of her pocket, where she had put it at some point, but Ruby smacked it out of Inara's hand and crushed it beneath her foot.

Inara dropped her left hand down to her belt and pulled a small knife from her left pocket and stabbed it into Ruby's wrist, forcing the Sue to let go. Inara swept Ruby's legs out from under her and Inara grabbed her dagger. Then Inara pounced on top of Ruby and held her dagger to the Sues throat. This action however brought to light the problem "How to get a powerful Mary Sue back to the Library with no Prohibitor". Ruby was obviously stronger than the rookie and Inara had only a weapon, no special powers. Ruby began to violently struggle, cutting her own throat a bit against the dagger.

Inara frowned and began to think, again. She really needs a lesson in timing. But something about Ruby's behavior was weird; a person's base instinct is to keep them self alive. And the little fact that there hadn't been any banter. Banter was normal with Sues because their egos were so large. Ruby had said nothing, nothing. Inara steeled herself and slit the Sues throat.

The rookie agent jumped off Ruby, showing surprising agility for someone turning purple from bruises. She dropped to the ground carefully scrutinizing Ruby's body for a little while before something odd started to happen; Ruby was dissolving. So began the internal monologue.

"That's why she was weaker, she was a clone. I almost died from a weaker clone. F**k… Why do I censor myself in my head?" Inara looked at what remained of the supposed clone. The slightly shaken and worried would-be agent slowly stood up and changed her dagger back into its quill form before walking back to the door she had come through.

Transition and Time Skiiiiip

The would-be agent sank down to the floor of an empty hallway and winced. Her back, legs, and throat were all just patches of pain, and Inara had no healing powers whatsoever. Pain was just another thing to add to her list of problems right above "lack of powers" and under "the Sue knew she was coming and was prepared".

Inara reached into her pocket hoping the bottle of water from a healing spring in Xanth was there, and not sitting on her DS back in the Library right next to her other Prohibitor. She then glared at her pocket and resolved to never forget anything again. Of course there's no point as she will forget that vow in about six seconds.

Then footsteps were heard down the hall. A girl with light blue hair in a ponytail that reached he shoulders, named Kurumu Kurono, walked closer to where Inara was sitting. She's one of the main characters in the Rosario+Vampire fandom and could easily cut your average human in half.

Before Inara could move Kurumu was standing in front of her. Then Kurumu did the something weird, she smiled and said "One of you came here. Finally, she's really starting to get annoying!" After exposition and a conversation that may or may not be told later Inara learned that Kurumu knew that the Society existed. She had actually been waiting for someone to show up and take care of Ruby. Really.

"How do you even know all of this?" Inara asked. "Oh, I break the Fourth Wall a ton in the anime, with a Mary Sue running around things have been so crazy that fourth Wall breaking copied over to manga-me." Kurumu answered, waving a hand dismissively. She smiled at the younger girl.

"Now come on," the blue haired teen said, grabbing Inara's arm, "we need to get you a uniform so you won't stand out so much. And some bandages. Probably some painkillers too." Kurumu dragged her to an empty infirmary. Why Kurumu was out of class and the infirmary was empty no one shall ever know.

They quickly commandeered a uniform and some bandages. No one really cared about what the two girls wanted so it was really easy to get them. Soon Inara looked like a student. Who had picked a fight with a semi. So, pretty noticeable. "Has Ruby made any advances on Tsukune?" Inara asked as Kurumu was putting the spare bandages away.

The blue haired teen started, almost dropping the bandages. She put them down and turned to the rookie sitting on a hospital bed and asked "Why did you ask that?" "The only other reason you would be so helpful to me is if they were hurting your friends, and from what I can tell that isn't happening." Inara pointed out, really any fan could.

"She is trying to date Tsukune. But more important than that is she's somehow making Moka weaker and weaker. If this carries on one of my friends could get really hurt." Kurumu said. Her eyes were downcast and she looked very worried.

Kurumu's shoulders sagged slightly and her knuckles whitened. "Alright," Inara said, pushing herself off the bed and wincing slightly as her feet hit the floor, "let's find her, incapacitate her, and get out so the writer doesn't have to strain over your character anymore." "What does incapacitate mean?" Kurumu asked, blushing lightly and looking irritated that she even had to ask.

Inara put her things in a convenient schoolbag and the two girls walked out of the infirmary. They walked around checking in the windows of a few classes before seeing what was probably another clone outside doing gym. They walked over to the woods side so people were less likely to notice them and ask why the heck they were not in class.

Clones are apparently what is considered the truth now. And of course Clone?Ruby was perfect at everything even though she was almost surely a clone. Clone?Ruby's hair flowed beautifully down her back and her captivating blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight.

Inara's eye twitched as she tightened his grip on her quill, this was enough, now Clone?Ruby had the narrator doing it! Ruby flounced over to where the teacher was standing, handed him something, and walked over to where Kurumu and Inara were. Her face was completely blank while she raised her hand up. It started glowing and Inara and Kurumu's eyes widened. They ducked out of the way as a small bolt of energy shot out of Clone?Ruby's hand.

Kurumu and Inara looked at where the bolt had hit and saw nothing but a very large scorch mark and some ashes. "Err, I'll take the role of Captain Obvious here and say we should probably not get hit with one of those." Inara said, looking to have at least three different levels of worried running through her head. Kurumu wisely ignored Inara and extended her nails into full-blown claws and dashed at Clone?Ruby.

Clone?Ruby blasted another bolt of energy at Kurumu and the heroine barely ducked in time to avoid having a new air hole in her head. Clone?Ruby threw a strait punch at Kurumu and Kurumu barely dodged it to get in her own cut. Ruby taking care of all the villains had deprived the girls of training and experience necessary for them to be badass. Inara held out her quill and it glowed, this time it changed into a sword that had a blade style like Benihime.

Kurumu added a wound to Clone?Ruby's growing injury count and kept up dodging and landing small cuts. This kept Clone?Ruby's attention on her and Inara was able to dash in from behind and land a huge hit on Clone?Ruby's back. Clone?Ruby hit Inara with a weaker energy bolt that sent the girl crashing into a tree. Of course this was a double distraction that let Kurumu slash off Clone?Ruby's head.

"How many clones do you think there'll be before we find the real one?" Inara asked not even slightly disturbed at a dissolving corpse on the ground. Kurumu shrugged and asked a very, very good question, "Isn't your Society supposed to be about crack?" Inara clearly ignored Kurumu, probably because she had no actual good answer. Typical.

Inara walked away from the clone's dissolving body and back to the wooded area in the school. Kurumu followed, though she spared the body a second glance. "Aw, you killed them both? I thought a little girl would have some more respect for life." The person who spoke it was Ruby, a real one this time. She actually had some semblance of thought. Ruby glared at Inara and Kurumu before smirking in a horribly annoying way before jumping backward and disappearing.

Inara growled in anger and ran after the Sue. Yeah, that's right, she growled. Inara was obviously very pissed off and anyone who got in her way had to have a death wish. She was angry because of fandom corruption and the Sues own arrogance. Oh, and if you somehow forgot about the clones trying to kill her, Inara was pissed about that too.

But finding Ruby was proving to be hard. Not Carmen Sandiego hard, but definitely irritating. Inara burst through a classroom door and Ruby smirked, just running out a conveniently placed exit door. Inara ran after her, Kurumu was running canon character interference. Ruby ducked into a side door and Inara got a bad feeling that this was some kind of trap or something.

But the rookie did something completely genre blind and ignored that feeling. The hallway was dark, damp, and cramped. Basically, if you don't have to go down there don't go down there. Of course this is just dragging down the plot and nothing important happens, so I'll skip it for you.

When the plot resumes Inara is standing in an old doorway with an open door leading out. Clouds covered the area and a chilling wind was blowing. Inara looked around and saw Ruby standing a few meters away. Inara started thinking her actions through carefully, so she didn't screw up. But Ruby began a villain speech and that's more important at the moment.

"You can't possibly triumph, you're just a human with a weapon, not even close to we Sues, godlike beings. Our numbers will continue to swell while yours decline from death and simple realization that you won't win. I am perfect you are flawed, though you are close enough that if you made one toe out of line and you are one of us. We've killed one of your best people before and next time we'll get rid of you all." At this point Inara just got so annoyed she couldn't stand it anymore a just punched Ruby.

Ruby was visibly furious that even one tiny scratch marred her 'perfect face'. She reached up to her neck and grabbed her cross shaped necklace. Any fan of the series could easily tell you that things are about to get ugly, fast. A huge light shot up around Ruby and a huge, deadly aura swelled around her. The light quickly faded away and standing there was a completely different girl.

She had red eyes and hair, not to mention that she actually looked like she could take someone in a fight. She was taller and prettier than Ruby had been, with a dark edge to her. Inara looked at her blankly. Then the sucker poor sap girl spoke up, her tone deadpan and mocking "Wow, your only power up was to steal Moka's big plot device. Nice."

The red haired woman, judging from what Inara was saying, was an eviler Ruby. Let's just call her Yami Ruby, to keep things simple. Yami Ruby smirked at Inara, blurred out of sight, and reappeared right behind the rookie. "You have no idea what you're dealing with." Yami Ruby whispered into Inara's ear. If you didn't get it, she was creepy.

Inara jabbed her elbow back but Yami Ruby was already gone. Inara whipped her head around, frantically trying to find Yami Ruby. The next moment she felt a pain to her stomach and was hitting a tree. With her body. Yeah, not fun. It was pretty obvious she was unprepared and had no chance of winning against Yami Ruby. Inara froze as she saw Yami Ruby standing there twirling a Plothole Generator around her finger. Inara's Plothole Generator.

At this point I am forced by the author to not include the cursing that Inara did at this point. Something about an image and respect. "That's quite a mouth on you; I didn't even recognize one of those languages." Yami Ruby said, smashing the Plothole Generator in her hand. Inara's eyes filled with pure fury "Hungarian." she spat out as she began to detach herself and think clearly. Good luck with that. Yami Ruby actually made a clever decision as a villain and attacked Inara so she wouldn't be able to, you know, think. Unfortunately for Inara, making sure she wouldn't think involved Inara being in pain. Probably a lot of it.

Snap! Yami Ruby had dashed forward and grabbed Inara's left arm before snapping it. As the sound effect told you. Yami Ruby pushed the girl to the ground and smirked. Killing a Society Agent, even a rookie, made you look very good in the Sue world. But before Yami Ruby could hurt Inara again she was thankfully interrupted by purple-black flames that seemed to come from nowhere. A boy walked out from behind a tree and grinned. It wasn't a nice grin; it was the look a cat gave a mouse right before it moved in for the kill.

Yami Ruby glared at the boy and said "Willie, isn't it? Nice timing, I can kill both of you Society losers an-"She was cut off by Willie running forward and stabbing one of his ever-present razors into her stomach. He smiled as he sharply ripped it out. Yami Ruby's blood spattered the ground in a nice pattern. It made you think of corpses. Willie then went completely awesome and incinerated Yami Ruby's head with Hellfire.

Well that was fun and I'm glad to be done and be getting my paycheck, oh wait, I've still got a few more minutes on the clock. Willie tossed his Plothole generator to Inara as she sat there wondering what just happened. She just shook her head and reminded herself that logic had no place in the Society, at least that she could see. She fired the Plothole Generator and the two stepped into the Library, Inara wincing as her left arm brushed against a bookcase. I had completely forgotten that that was messed up.

Inara looked back and Willie had disappeared. Inara was frowning in confusion when Valerie and Tash walked up to the injured girl and asked her if she was alright. Valerie looked at Inara's arm and Tash said "Congratulations, you went up against a stronger Sue than you should face at this point and came out alive. Here." Tash was holding out a Society badge and waiting for Inara to take it. "Are you sure I deserve this? I completely screwed up." Inara asked, acting like way too many other newbies had.

"Well, for one you are still alive, and two you didn't completely lose your head once you got into the fandom. That's pretty much all we ask, usually not even that much." Tash pointed out. Inara smiled at Tash and took the badge. "Thanks," Inara said "and can you tell me where Willie, was it, is? I need to thank him for sparing me death, a training montage, and an annoying subplot." "Here we go," Valerie said, grabbing Inara's arm. She counted to three and jerked the arm back into place "OW!"


Somewhere else

Two girls and a dark figure were standing in the middle of a small clearing. One girl had golden hair, the other silver. "And you swear to honor this agreement?" The golden haired girl asked a slightly mistrusting look in her eye. "Of course," The dark figure said and looked over to the silver haired girl. "And what is your decision?" The girl looked around like someone was going to jump out of the shadows to get her. I wish. "No, I have a feeling that this is gonna end bad." She walked away and tried not to shiver. The dark figure creeped her out.

"I'm no coward!" The gold haired girl said. "Good, soon you will get revenge. And we will rule." The dark figure and the girl laughed; a laugh that sent a chill down nearby animals' spines and should send a chill down yours. Ah, nothing can warm my heart like evil laughter from crazy people. The silver haired girl frowned and opened a plothole. She hoped they got what they deserved for being dumb. Now to figure out how to turn on her TV.

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