Michael dived for cover as another explosion rocked the ground. "You can't hide from me agent!" The Stu laughed manically and continued raining fireballs down on the hiding place of the Gary-Stu Gutter.
"I just wanted to get out and clear my head." Michael muttered. "Not get roasted alive."
Then someone called from behind the Stu, "Hey, you with the face!"
The Stu, trembling with rage, turned to see a boy about sixteen years old. "My name is Vincent Peridot Crow Rabban; who the hell are you?"
"I'm Tom, archeologist." He smirked, "Always wanted to introduce myself that way. Now, en guard!"
Tom lunged at him rapier in hand, while Vincent countered with his cutlass. Their blades clashed again and again until Vincent used a hand gesture to slam Tom into a nearby wall. He held him several feet off the ground and choked him. "Well, well," he sneered, "Mr. Hero's gonna die- Ugh!" Michael had slapped a prohibitor on his wrist and smashed a sword pommel into his head.
"You saved my life." Tom said as Michael helped him to his feet.
"The way I see it you saved mine." Michael took a good look at him now. He had short brown hair, blue eyes, an adolescent mustache, the scraggly beginnings of a goatee, and a mild case of acne. He wore a battered brown hat, a long multicolored scarf, a brown trench coat, a black long-sleeved shirt, brown pants and hiking boots. "I'm Michael by the way, chief agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society."
"So it's true, you are one of them. I'm Tom, archeologist and author. And I would like to join the Society."
"You do?"
"Yes, I'm an excellent candidate. I've studied with some of the finest sword masters in the fiction worlds, and I'll face any test you give me.
"Well it's not a choice to be made lightly."
Tom looked him strait in the eyes. "I make it a point to do my homework. I know what you're facing. I also know I might die, but I've made my choice."
Michael sighed, "Fine, I'll let you take the written test. That doesn't mean you're going to get in though."
Tom was ecstatic. "I promise I won't disappoint you."
-
The testing room was full of hopefuls chattering nervously before the test started. Then a leader came in, introduced herself as Harriet, and began explaining the dangers and myriad ways of dying in the Society. Some people fainted, Tom didn't blink. He knew what he was getting into. When it was over he turned in his test with the deeply assuring feeling that came when whenever he knew he had done well. While the others sat around and compared answers he just waited.
Until Harriet came back, "Congratulations, you passed."
Tom let out the breath he'd been holding unconsciously. "But you're still not full agent until you go on your training mission. Which we should have ready in a few hours; you can hang out in the library till then."
"Thanks," he said then giving her a Joker grin, "Wait'll they get a load of me."
"I'd be careful using phrases like that. We have a cliché stick."
"What's a cliché stick?"
-
Tom burst through the door and slammed it closed behind him; then leaned on it while he caught his breath. "Holy mother of God, what is that thing!"
"I see you've met Shirley." said a girl in a slightly amused voice from across the room.
"Shirley? That's the cliché stick?"
"Yes. Now since you've burst into my lab may I ask who you are?"
"I'm Tom, archeologist and new guy." he said while walking over to shake her hand.
"I'm Charis," shaking his hand.
"I'm really sorry for interrupting you like this; I'll leave if you want." At that moment they heard the sound of glass bottles being tapped against each other out in the hallway.
"Oh Tooom, come out and plaaay."
"That's okay; you can stay here until Shirley is gone. It's not like I can do anything until this test finishes." she said gesturing at a screen behind her. "Why don't I show you some of the gadgets?"
"Sure."
"This is a prohibitor." She held up a yellow clunky bracelet. "When you put this on a Sue it drains them of their power and erases their actions in the fandom. This is a plot-hole generator, for traveling to fandoms. This is a copyright; it makes a cannon character immune to Sue powers. These are copyright darts, Doug came up with those." And the list went on. But now Tom was smiling, a plan already forming in his mind.
-
Tom was in one of the Library's lounge rooms when Michael found up him. "There you are. We have your training mission ready." Tom hopped up and followed him down a hallway. "She's a level one Sue in the Everworld fandom. Think you can handle it?"
"I know I can."
"That's the spirit. Want me to show you the way to the tech room?"
"No, I know the way."
"Alright you can read her file on the way. Good luck."
"Thanks."
-
Charis was pacing back and forth across the room, her skin crawling with impatience, when Tom got to the lab.
"Did you get it?" she cried eagerly.
"As I promised," he reached into his coat and pulled out a packet. "Jave Harron's Trans-Human Upgrade blueprints." Charis took the packet out of his hands, hugged it to her chest and squealed in fangirl delight.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she squealed again and ran off to look through the files.
"Now for your end of the bargain."
"Yes, yes, I made your gun. It's on the table over there." She pointed at the mission gear table and returned to studying the blueprints.
"Thank you kindly." He holstered his gun, strapped the equipment onto his belt, opened a plot-hole, and stepped through.
To the final battle of His Dark Materials. "Um… my bad." He opened another plot-hole and stepped through.
-
A week before, Allia Yusanna Videc had arrived in Everworld. Almost immediately she rescued David, Chris, Jalil, and April from a large force of Hetwan, (how such a massive force managed to get by the scouts and why the heroes were so far away from their troops were questions that the author was trying to cover up with an elaborate description of her raven hair and brilliant green eyes) befriended them, and became their leader. She soon confided in them that she, like Senna, was a witch who had grown up in the Chicago area abandoned by her mother until the day she had fallen through a plot-hole to Everworld. It seemed that no one had ever liked her, despite her supernatural good looks and sweet personality, and she just wanted some friends. How could our heroes say no when she asked them if she could join them?
She soon proved herself to be an excellent general, a natural leader and a skilled fighter. When she spoke, everyone listened. Mortals and gods from all around put aside their differences and joined her cause, which was what they were calling it now. Despite what Senna had done everyone trusted her, if anyone had ever speculated that she was controlling them with sorcery they have been shocked that someone could accuse her. They confided secrets in her regularly, and David had fallen head over heels in love with her. Now, just when the readers couldn't stand another sentence of this travesty, help arrived.
-
Tom stepped out of the plot-hole to a mountainside with a street of marble lined by Greek temples. "Yes, Mt. Olympus! I did it!"
"Oh look," Harriet said. (She was the only one watching the monitor) "He finally made it there."
"About time," Tash grumbled, "if he spent any longer trying to get there I was sending someone in after him."
"Give him a break Tash," said Michael. "Not everyone can master plotholes on their first try."
"Not unlike a certain founder." said Harriet with a sly grin.
"That was years ago! And you promised you wouldn't tell!"
"I was talking about Lauren."
"Oh." An awkward silence fell as everyone turned and focused on the screen.
Then Michael spoke. "I've been meaning to ask, what's with the scarf he wears?"
"Tom Baker wore it when he played the fourth Doctor." was Harriet's response.
"Oh, okay."
-
As Tom walked the streets he found that Olympus was garrisoned with an enormous army. Soldiers of all kinds were hurrying everywhere: Greek, Roman, Viking, Medieval European, elves, dwarves, fairies, even Coo-Hatch making rifles and cannons. Well, someone's been busy.
The Olympus summit was dominated by a huge dome, the home of the Olympian gods. As he tried to enter the Olympian palace he was stopped by two hoplites.
"No one is allowed inside while the war council is in session. You may put a request with a messenger if have news for the Lady Allia."
"Oh but I was told to attend the meeting. I have… an important task."
"Nonsense, I would have been told if that were true."
"Ugh, I don't have time for this. You will let me pass or I will thrash you with a shrubbery."
"You'll what?"
A small bush suddenly grew from the ground. He pulled it out and held it like a club. "I warned you." A few minuets later he entered the dome leaving two unconscious hoplites behind.
-
Allia and the others stood around a large table at the center of Zeus's throne room. Gods from dozens of cultures waited for her command to lay waste to Ka Anor's citadel. David outlined battle plans but kept looking over to Allia, asking for reassurance they would work. "We can march at a moments notice Allia." he said. "Just give the order and we'll move."
Allia then spoke to everyone in the council. "My friends, the day has come! Today we march forth and destroy the Hetwan scum. Today all of Everworld unites to drive back the aliens. Today we gain victory!"
They were cheering for Allia their savior when the sound of slow clapping was heard and a boy pushed his way to the front. "Okay, fun's over. Time to put your toys away."
"So the Society has found me at last." She saw the word on his shirt. "And they only sent a recruit. I'm insulted."
"Sorry to disappoint you. Anywho, Allia Yusanna Videc, you are under arrest for fandom manipulation, and crimes against good fiction. Are you going to come quietly?"
"Ooh, so eager to please your masters. First tell me something rookie, why do you hunt my kind? I am only trying to help this world."
"Helping this world by destroying it? And my name is Tom."
"Improving it Tom."
"All that the gods were is gone now. You've molded their personalities like putty."
"The gods were two year olds with the power to blow things up. I've saved so many lives this way."
"Are those lives you saved worth living now? Look at David. You've taken a man and turned him into… a creature, a worshiper."
"Ha, David was child's play. I almost didn't need my powers to take him. His self-hatred over failing Senna forced him to fall for me. You fools probably think I'm a level one Sue. It seems I am better than I thought. I am actually a level three Sue." Then with an evil smirk she turned to the others and said, "Oh David, come here."
The cannon characters had been standing in a dazed trance while this conversation was going on, their personalities eroding away. But now David snapped out of it and said, "What's going on Allia? Who is that guy?"
"He's come to take me away David, he fears my power. Just like Merlin and Senna, isn't that right?" The last part directed at Tom.
"Well… maybe, I guess so. But Merlin was right in the end!"
David ignored him and drew the sword of Galahad. "I won't let you touch her!" Chris and Jalil roared similar battle cries and charged him.
Oh, this is just great, he thought while he dodged their blades. My sword isn't protected against cannon weapons, just Sue weapons. Meanwhile Allia turned to the gods. "Great ones ignore him! Begin the ritual! Summon the Great Scroll so we may crush the alien blight!"
"What!"
"Now you see my true purpose. I will take the scroll and rule countless worlds!" But while Tom was distracted David struck at his head again. Tom ducked but his hat was slashed open.
"NOOOOOOOOO! My hat!" Twitching with rage he pointed at its destroyer. "No one. Touches. My hat. Loose the hounds!" Out of nowhere a pack of war dogs leapt at David, Chris, and Jalil. They tried to fight them off but were overwhelmed as the dogs tore at them viciously.
As he turned to face Allia, he was hurled against a wall and held several feet off the ground. "Now, now, we can't have you trying anything dangerous." she said while using telekinesis to remove his gun, prohibitor, and copyright. "Wait, why do you only have one?" At that moment April hit her in the back of the head with a wooden pole.
"I won't let you control me or any of my friends witch."
Tom dropped to the ground, grabbed his gun, and shot a dart into Allia's arm. She cried out as the aura of beauty around her faded and all characters looked around in confusion.
"I stuck her with a copyright as I passed." said Tom. "And this bad boy," he said while waving his gun, "is a prohibitor dart gun."
That's when all hell broke loose. The gods snapped out of their trance and realized that their mortal enemies were standing next to them. Lightning bolts, fireballs, and every attack imaginable blasted the dome apart. Through the confusion Tom saw Allia jump through a plot-hole. He barely had time to grab the remnants of his hat, open a random plot-hole and leap in.
-
"Bollocks." was all Tash could say to the explosion on the screen. She glanced over at Michael, "We should get down there now."
-
The first thing Tom noticed was that his nose was smushed into the floor. "Uhhh, she got away."
"Considering that half a fandom was blown away you should be happy with still being alive. I'm Tash, the Librarian."
"Yeah… sorry about that." he said as he stood up.
"It wasn't your fault. But I believe you've earned this." She handed him a gold badge. "Welcome to the Society."
"But I failed my mission."
"You stopped the Sue from getting her objective. That's a job well done for a rookie. Now you just need to finish the paperwork."
"Paperwork? You're joking right?"
"Not at all." She showed him his desk, sprawling with forms.
"We are a vigilante society operating out of a trans-dimensional library to hunt down overly perfect characters. Why do we need to do paperwork?"
"Because if we don't it will breed."
Tom glanced disgusted at his desk and back to Tash. "Do I even want to know?"
"No, you really don't."
Tom sighed and got to work, but his mind was elsewhere. All he could think about was his next encounter with Allia. The prohibitor gun doesn't stop her ability to use plot-holes; I'll have to ask Charis if she can fix it... I should get my sword strengthened against cannon weapons in case she tries to use them again…
She will not escape me again.
"I just wanted to get out and clear my head." Michael muttered. "Not get roasted alive."
Then someone called from behind the Stu, "Hey, you with the face!"
The Stu, trembling with rage, turned to see a boy about sixteen years old. "My name is Vincent Peridot Crow Rabban; who the hell are you?"
"I'm Tom, archeologist." He smirked, "Always wanted to introduce myself that way. Now, en guard!"
Tom lunged at him rapier in hand, while Vincent countered with his cutlass. Their blades clashed again and again until Vincent used a hand gesture to slam Tom into a nearby wall. He held him several feet off the ground and choked him. "Well, well," he sneered, "Mr. Hero's gonna die- Ugh!" Michael had slapped a prohibitor on his wrist and smashed a sword pommel into his head.
"You saved my life." Tom said as Michael helped him to his feet.
"The way I see it you saved mine." Michael took a good look at him now. He had short brown hair, blue eyes, an adolescent mustache, the scraggly beginnings of a goatee, and a mild case of acne. He wore a battered brown hat, a long multicolored scarf, a brown trench coat, a black long-sleeved shirt, brown pants and hiking boots. "I'm Michael by the way, chief agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society."
"So it's true, you are one of them. I'm Tom, archeologist and author. And I would like to join the Society."
"You do?"
"Yes, I'm an excellent candidate. I've studied with some of the finest sword masters in the fiction worlds, and I'll face any test you give me.
"Well it's not a choice to be made lightly."
Tom looked him strait in the eyes. "I make it a point to do my homework. I know what you're facing. I also know I might die, but I've made my choice."
Michael sighed, "Fine, I'll let you take the written test. That doesn't mean you're going to get in though."
Tom was ecstatic. "I promise I won't disappoint you."
-
The testing room was full of hopefuls chattering nervously before the test started. Then a leader came in, introduced herself as Harriet, and began explaining the dangers and myriad ways of dying in the Society. Some people fainted, Tom didn't blink. He knew what he was getting into. When it was over he turned in his test with the deeply assuring feeling that came when whenever he knew he had done well. While the others sat around and compared answers he just waited.
Until Harriet came back, "Congratulations, you passed."
Tom let out the breath he'd been holding unconsciously. "But you're still not full agent until you go on your training mission. Which we should have ready in a few hours; you can hang out in the library till then."
"Thanks," he said then giving her a Joker grin, "Wait'll they get a load of me."
"I'd be careful using phrases like that. We have a cliché stick."
"What's a cliché stick?"
-
Tom burst through the door and slammed it closed behind him; then leaned on it while he caught his breath. "Holy mother of God, what is that thing!"
"I see you've met Shirley." said a girl in a slightly amused voice from across the room.
"Shirley? That's the cliché stick?"
"Yes. Now since you've burst into my lab may I ask who you are?"
"I'm Tom, archeologist and new guy." he said while walking over to shake her hand.
"I'm Charis," shaking his hand.
"I'm really sorry for interrupting you like this; I'll leave if you want." At that moment they heard the sound of glass bottles being tapped against each other out in the hallway.
"Oh Tooom, come out and plaaay."
"That's okay; you can stay here until Shirley is gone. It's not like I can do anything until this test finishes." she said gesturing at a screen behind her. "Why don't I show you some of the gadgets?"
"Sure."
"This is a prohibitor." She held up a yellow clunky bracelet. "When you put this on a Sue it drains them of their power and erases their actions in the fandom. This is a plot-hole generator, for traveling to fandoms. This is a copyright; it makes a cannon character immune to Sue powers. These are copyright darts, Doug came up with those." And the list went on. But now Tom was smiling, a plan already forming in his mind.
-
Tom was in one of the Library's lounge rooms when Michael found up him. "There you are. We have your training mission ready." Tom hopped up and followed him down a hallway. "She's a level one Sue in the Everworld fandom. Think you can handle it?"
"I know I can."
"That's the spirit. Want me to show you the way to the tech room?"
"No, I know the way."
"Alright you can read her file on the way. Good luck."
"Thanks."
-
Charis was pacing back and forth across the room, her skin crawling with impatience, when Tom got to the lab.
"Did you get it?" she cried eagerly.
"As I promised," he reached into his coat and pulled out a packet. "Jave Harron's Trans-Human Upgrade blueprints." Charis took the packet out of his hands, hugged it to her chest and squealed in fangirl delight.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she squealed again and ran off to look through the files.
"Now for your end of the bargain."
"Yes, yes, I made your gun. It's on the table over there." She pointed at the mission gear table and returned to studying the blueprints.
"Thank you kindly." He holstered his gun, strapped the equipment onto his belt, opened a plot-hole, and stepped through.
To the final battle of His Dark Materials. "Um… my bad." He opened another plot-hole and stepped through.
-
A week before, Allia Yusanna Videc had arrived in Everworld. Almost immediately she rescued David, Chris, Jalil, and April from a large force of Hetwan, (how such a massive force managed to get by the scouts and why the heroes were so far away from their troops were questions that the author was trying to cover up with an elaborate description of her raven hair and brilliant green eyes) befriended them, and became their leader. She soon confided in them that she, like Senna, was a witch who had grown up in the Chicago area abandoned by her mother until the day she had fallen through a plot-hole to Everworld. It seemed that no one had ever liked her, despite her supernatural good looks and sweet personality, and she just wanted some friends. How could our heroes say no when she asked them if she could join them?
She soon proved herself to be an excellent general, a natural leader and a skilled fighter. When she spoke, everyone listened. Mortals and gods from all around put aside their differences and joined her cause, which was what they were calling it now. Despite what Senna had done everyone trusted her, if anyone had ever speculated that she was controlling them with sorcery they have been shocked that someone could accuse her. They confided secrets in her regularly, and David had fallen head over heels in love with her. Now, just when the readers couldn't stand another sentence of this travesty, help arrived.
-
Tom stepped out of the plot-hole to a mountainside with a street of marble lined by Greek temples. "Yes, Mt. Olympus! I did it!"
"Oh look," Harriet said. (She was the only one watching the monitor) "He finally made it there."
"About time," Tash grumbled, "if he spent any longer trying to get there I was sending someone in after him."
"Give him a break Tash," said Michael. "Not everyone can master plotholes on their first try."
"Not unlike a certain founder." said Harriet with a sly grin.
"That was years ago! And you promised you wouldn't tell!"
"I was talking about Lauren."
"Oh." An awkward silence fell as everyone turned and focused on the screen.
Then Michael spoke. "I've been meaning to ask, what's with the scarf he wears?"
"Tom Baker wore it when he played the fourth Doctor." was Harriet's response.
"Oh, okay."
-
As Tom walked the streets he found that Olympus was garrisoned with an enormous army. Soldiers of all kinds were hurrying everywhere: Greek, Roman, Viking, Medieval European, elves, dwarves, fairies, even Coo-Hatch making rifles and cannons. Well, someone's been busy.
The Olympus summit was dominated by a huge dome, the home of the Olympian gods. As he tried to enter the Olympian palace he was stopped by two hoplites.
"No one is allowed inside while the war council is in session. You may put a request with a messenger if have news for the Lady Allia."
"Oh but I was told to attend the meeting. I have… an important task."
"Nonsense, I would have been told if that were true."
"Ugh, I don't have time for this. You will let me pass or I will thrash you with a shrubbery."
"You'll what?"
A small bush suddenly grew from the ground. He pulled it out and held it like a club. "I warned you." A few minuets later he entered the dome leaving two unconscious hoplites behind.
-
Allia and the others stood around a large table at the center of Zeus's throne room. Gods from dozens of cultures waited for her command to lay waste to Ka Anor's citadel. David outlined battle plans but kept looking over to Allia, asking for reassurance they would work. "We can march at a moments notice Allia." he said. "Just give the order and we'll move."
Allia then spoke to everyone in the council. "My friends, the day has come! Today we march forth and destroy the Hetwan scum. Today all of Everworld unites to drive back the aliens. Today we gain victory!"
They were cheering for Allia their savior when the sound of slow clapping was heard and a boy pushed his way to the front. "Okay, fun's over. Time to put your toys away."
"So the Society has found me at last." She saw the word on his shirt. "And they only sent a recruit. I'm insulted."
"Sorry to disappoint you. Anywho, Allia Yusanna Videc, you are under arrest for fandom manipulation, and crimes against good fiction. Are you going to come quietly?"
"Ooh, so eager to please your masters. First tell me something rookie, why do you hunt my kind? I am only trying to help this world."
"Helping this world by destroying it? And my name is Tom."
"Improving it Tom."
"All that the gods were is gone now. You've molded their personalities like putty."
"The gods were two year olds with the power to blow things up. I've saved so many lives this way."
"Are those lives you saved worth living now? Look at David. You've taken a man and turned him into… a creature, a worshiper."
"Ha, David was child's play. I almost didn't need my powers to take him. His self-hatred over failing Senna forced him to fall for me. You fools probably think I'm a level one Sue. It seems I am better than I thought. I am actually a level three Sue." Then with an evil smirk she turned to the others and said, "Oh David, come here."
The cannon characters had been standing in a dazed trance while this conversation was going on, their personalities eroding away. But now David snapped out of it and said, "What's going on Allia? Who is that guy?"
"He's come to take me away David, he fears my power. Just like Merlin and Senna, isn't that right?" The last part directed at Tom.
"Well… maybe, I guess so. But Merlin was right in the end!"
David ignored him and drew the sword of Galahad. "I won't let you touch her!" Chris and Jalil roared similar battle cries and charged him.
Oh, this is just great, he thought while he dodged their blades. My sword isn't protected against cannon weapons, just Sue weapons. Meanwhile Allia turned to the gods. "Great ones ignore him! Begin the ritual! Summon the Great Scroll so we may crush the alien blight!"
"What!"
"Now you see my true purpose. I will take the scroll and rule countless worlds!" But while Tom was distracted David struck at his head again. Tom ducked but his hat was slashed open.
"NOOOOOOOOO! My hat!" Twitching with rage he pointed at its destroyer. "No one. Touches. My hat. Loose the hounds!" Out of nowhere a pack of war dogs leapt at David, Chris, and Jalil. They tried to fight them off but were overwhelmed as the dogs tore at them viciously.
As he turned to face Allia, he was hurled against a wall and held several feet off the ground. "Now, now, we can't have you trying anything dangerous." she said while using telekinesis to remove his gun, prohibitor, and copyright. "Wait, why do you only have one?" At that moment April hit her in the back of the head with a wooden pole.
"I won't let you control me or any of my friends witch."
Tom dropped to the ground, grabbed his gun, and shot a dart into Allia's arm. She cried out as the aura of beauty around her faded and all characters looked around in confusion.
"I stuck her with a copyright as I passed." said Tom. "And this bad boy," he said while waving his gun, "is a prohibitor dart gun."
That's when all hell broke loose. The gods snapped out of their trance and realized that their mortal enemies were standing next to them. Lightning bolts, fireballs, and every attack imaginable blasted the dome apart. Through the confusion Tom saw Allia jump through a plot-hole. He barely had time to grab the remnants of his hat, open a random plot-hole and leap in.
-
"Bollocks." was all Tash could say to the explosion on the screen. She glanced over at Michael, "We should get down there now."
-
The first thing Tom noticed was that his nose was smushed into the floor. "Uhhh, she got away."
"Considering that half a fandom was blown away you should be happy with still being alive. I'm Tash, the Librarian."
"Yeah… sorry about that." he said as he stood up.
"It wasn't your fault. But I believe you've earned this." She handed him a gold badge. "Welcome to the Society."
"But I failed my mission."
"You stopped the Sue from getting her objective. That's a job well done for a rookie. Now you just need to finish the paperwork."
"Paperwork? You're joking right?"
"Not at all." She showed him his desk, sprawling with forms.
"We are a vigilante society operating out of a trans-dimensional library to hunt down overly perfect characters. Why do we need to do paperwork?"
"Because if we don't it will breed."
Tom glanced disgusted at his desk and back to Tash. "Do I even want to know?"
"No, you really don't."
Tom sighed and got to work, but his mind was elsewhere. All he could think about was his next encounter with Allia. The prohibitor gun doesn't stop her ability to use plot-holes; I'll have to ask Charis if she can fix it... I should get my sword strengthened against cannon weapons in case she tries to use them again…
She will not escape me again.
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