Saturday, July 16, 2011

Insert Ridiculous Blood Loss Here

The Library Arcanium, the greatest storehouse of all knowledge in existence. But even the Arcanium has its own dark corners. The darkfic section was no exception. It was kept in a room in the Arcanium, where no door led to it. But that was about to change…

"Hmm, I hear an empty space behind this wall. Must be a room. If I'm right, this should be…" commented Doug as he scanned a part of the wall with a stethoscope-like contraption. He was clad in some sort of Special Forces uniform, with full-body armour, helmet and a mask; obviously influenced by the news and games on the British SAS. He checked his wristwatch and set it on timer mode. Then he pulled out packets of C4 explosives and stuck them to the wall. He pulled down his night vision goggles and put his thumb on the detonator.

"Thirty seconds should be enough," thought Doug as he leaned on the side of the wall. He pushed the detonator, causing an explosion. A hole was created, and with an MP5 SMG in his arms, he went in.


"ASTER!" yelled the Librarian as the explosion rocked the Library.

"KYAA~NOT ME!" was the reply.

"ADMIT IT, ASTER. THAT'S THE FIFTH TIME…" Adrian stopped ranting when his security systems sent warning messages to his computer. Adrian had to take a look at it.

"…you broke the fourth wall…" Adrian slowed down as he attended to his security messages. His fingers ran across the keyboard, finding the location where his booby traps have been triggered. It was the room he had not hoped where the booby traps were triggered.

"That better be not a Sue," thought Adrian as he raced out of his office. He went past his girlfriend, Tash, who was taking a stroll and talking with Camille.

"Hi, Tash! Bye, Tash!" Adrian zoomed passed them so fast that all they could hear was a murmur and the turbulence was strong enough to mess up their hair. They were both stunned for a moment, before Tash turned and spoke to Camille.

"You were saying…?"

"I said I was just having a really bad hair day," replied Camille, trying to comb down her deformed hair with her fingers.


[Insert 'Indiana Jones' theme song here]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA….!" screamed Doug as a giant boulder was rolling towards him. He ran as fast as he could, only to find the stone doors slowly closing up. He quickly jumped through the narrow gap between the doors, escaping the boulder but falling into a bottomless pit.

"I don't remember this pit!" he yelled. He quickly took out his grappling gun and fired at the ceiling of the tunnel. The claws hooked itself on the tunnel's uneven surfaces; perhaps Adrian wanted it to look like a cave with realistic stalactites hanging on the roof. He swung himself to the other side of the bottomless pit, landing on the ground in front of the entrance he created. He looked back and water from the side of the walls began to pour into the pit.

He heaved a sigh of relief and took out a book from his pouch; a book he took from the darkfics' section. It was a copy of a manga, Blood +. He was wiping the back cover when a fireball came through the entrance. All Doug could do was put the manga in front of him to shield him from the fireball. After all, manga are thick enough to take that kind of punishment…

"Stop right there!" yelled Adrian, pointing his staff at Doug. The staff was glowing red, ready to cast another fireball when Doug put his hands up.

"Take it easy! It's just me, Doug!" exclaimed Doug, removing his helmet and mask to prove his identity. Adrian lowered his staff and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Great. First it's Ben, then it's you. Are you guys related or something?" commented Adrian.

"No. It just so happens we both like to play with fireworks," replied Doug.

Adrian facepalmed.

"What are you doing there? Aren't you too young for that kind of stuff?" asked Adrian, pointing at the burnt manga. The unburnt page showed the main heroine slicing the head off a monster.

"Hey, just because I look sixteen doesn't mean I'm sixteen. Okay?" rebutted Doug. Adrian sighed and looked at the hole in the wall.

"You're doing a lot of paperwork to get that wall fixed," said Adrian, turning around and leaving. That word made Doug cringe, since paperwork tends to breed and pile up if it gets left alone. He then flipped through the unburnt pages and his expressions began to tense up. He found the pages after the first pages to be filled with the entrance of a 'third queen' with blonde hair, commanding an army of Chiropteran to overrun Okinawa.

"Shirley's at it again! But because this is a darkfic, Adrian's not going to allow me to get in," thought Doug as he closed the book. He looked around and saw his first victim, James Ben. He went alongside Ben, putting a friendly arm around his shoulders.

"Say, Ben. Do you like breaking into secure rooms?" asked Doug with a smile.

"That depends. Does this involve a cookie?" asked Ben, a much more experienced Society Agent, who knew that most agents devised ways to get Adrian's Oreos for their addiction.

"No, but if you help me, you'll get this," replied Doug, showing him a flask full of tea.

"What's this?" asked Ben, holding the flask and inspecting its contents.

"The same concoction that drove Tash up the wall last time," replied Doug.

"You must be asking a huge favour," commented Ben as they both walked, Doug telling him his plans.


All available Society Agents were called to the meeting room for a mission briefing with Tash. Adrian was to be present in the meeting, but he had some errands to run. Emily was helping Tash place the folders on the table before the Society Agents enter the room. Tash thanked Emily with an Oreo before Emily left the room, just before the Agents came pouring in. Tash knew that the Agents were hard to be called upon for meetings because they hated meetings; she made a compromise. She used up some of her money to get Oreos and milk just to lure them in. After luring the Agents in with Oreos and milk, Emily quickly closed the door and locked the doors with chains and a pin code; direct orders from Tash. After the Agents were satisfied with their Oreos and milk, Tash began the meeting.

"Thank you from coming into this room for our new mission briefing. It's no use getting out of here because I ordered Emily to lock the doors from the outside," announced Tash. Some of the Agents tried to get out by prying the door open, but it was no use. The steel-reinforced door proved too hard to open. After all, the room is also built as a safe room just in case a Sue attacked the Library. The Agents had no choice but to sit down and listen to the boring mission briefing.

"Our scanners detected the arrival of Shirley Dory Juliano Taggert Mariana Lepwinsky the 6th, also known as Shirley; not the Cliché Stick, into the Blood + fandom, a fandom we rarely heard of. But it is known as a Black List fandom; basically bullets and sword cuts won't kill the monsters that inhabit this fandom," explained Tash, playing clips of the anime on the wall projector, showing these bat-like creatures; twice the size of an average human being, many times the speed and strength of a normal man.

"All of these monsters can be created by a Queen, when a Queen suck a living life out a person, turning them into these monsters called Chiropterans. Shirley implanted herself as the third Queen of the fandom, creating her own army of them. Powerful as they seem, but they're not invulnerable. There are ways to kill it. I'm sure Douglas would like to say a few words on this fandom," continued Tash, pointing towards where Douglas was meant to be sitting. The Agents turned and saw an empty seat. The Agents were a bit confused since the new Agent wasn't there. Tash was a bit embarrassed in the situation, so she tried talking her way out of it.

"Does anybody know where he went?" asked Tash sheepishly. Then a Society Agent spoke.

"Come to think of it, where is Ben?" The Agents looked at the seat opposite to the empty seat; also empty.

Tash rubbed her temples as her stress levels began to rise. Then the telephone in the middle of the table rang with a tune similar to that at CTU in the TV series, 24. Tash pushed the loudspeaker button on the telephone.

"This is Tash, talk," huffed Tash. This had not been a really good day.

"This is Adrian. Someone just broke into the safe room where the passwords and coordinates for Black List fandoms were kept. I've yet to find if one of the keys were stolen," said Adrian.

"Bollocks!" swore Tash.


Doug and Ben were sitting at the edge of a high rise, looking at the horizon. It was dark and the moaning of the Chiropterans began to grow louder. Doug was wearing his priest's outfit. Smoke bellowed from the streets as fires broke out without the presence of human beings. Doug was eating an apple when Ben spoke.

"Breaking in to get Adrian's cookies was one thing. But breaking to the computer rooms to get to a Black List fandom… You must be out of your mind!" commented Ben. Doug was calmly eating and enjoying his apple. Ben looked at him with curiosity; Doug just got promoted to Agent and he was already breaking the rules. Ben spoke again.

"So, what are you going to do now?" asked Ben. Doug threw away his half-eaten apple and stood up on the ledge of the building, and yelling at the top of his lungs.

"SHIRLEY! I'M HOME!" Ben was taken aback; normally an Agent would go to the Sue, not the other way round. A growling noise was heard and an explosion happened not far from where they were. Doug gave a cell phone to Ben.

"If you run into trouble, press the call button. The phone will automatically speed dial to a team of slayers that my author has created just in case trouble happens here," said Doug as he turned to head for the explosion. Ben spoke before Doug could move.

"And what about the bag?" asked Ben, pointing to a bag he was carrying on his back.

"That contains blood packs in case something happens. The warning labels tell the rest," replied Doug.

"Then, what do I do now?" asked Ben, getting up.

"Do what you're good at," replied Doug before leaping off to the next building. Ben did what he was good at; running away.


Shirley was floating around the city (she can levitate now, and it's not canon), searching for Doug and his barbaric yawp (directly pulled out from Dead Poets' Society) when something caught her eye. She dodged; the sword Doug threw missed her by inches. The sword turned around and headed back to where Doug was standing; on top of a worn-out building. Shirley looked at him and growled.

"You and your little group had all the attention from the author, while I was stuck in a cryo tube, incomplete! The author even took my maiden name and gave it to a character who was now your daughter! Now I'll have the satisfaction of erasing all of you!" screamed Shirley, drawing out her sword. O.o

"Shirley, is it because you haven't had your fifteen minutes of fame? If you waited a bit longer, he would have come back to you!" yelled Doug, getting into his attack pose. Shirley dived down and jabbed her sword right at him. Doug blocked it with his, but the force pushed him several metres from where he was standing.

"Why would I need fifteen minutes of fame, when I can have an entire series after me? I don't need the author now to make myself known!" yelled Shirley. She swung her sword around like a maniac. Doug quickly dodged and jumped down to street level. Shirley followed soon after. Doug swung his first strike, and both their swords clash so strongly that sparks flew and the dust beneath their feet threw up.


Ben was panting heavily after running for quite a while. He rested at a dark alley when he felt something fidgeting in the bag. Ben put the bag down an unzipped it, only to find Shirley in the bag.

"Shirley! Since when were you in the bag?" exclaimed Ben. The Cliché Stick looked at him blankly.
"I was following you the whole time. Didn't you notice?" replied Shirley lamely, coated in blood. Ben sweat dropped.

"Where did you get all that blood?" asked Ben. Shirley looked at Ben confusingly.

"There were blood packs in the bag. I accidentally broke the packs," replied Shirley. Ben looked into the bag to find the packs leaking. There was nothing left but traces of blood in it. He quickly took a packet out and read the labels on it.

Use only when halfling goes berserk.
Put blood packet in front of you.
When halfling jumps at you, stick blood packet into halfling's mouth. Halfling will be satisfied with the first packet and go into a coma. If not, prepare another blood packet.
If packet seal is broken, Chiropterans will mark you with their sense of smell. Good luck if that happens.

Ben looked around, only to find glowing red eyes around him.

"What?" asked Shirley, before looking around herself and saw the glowing red eyes. Drips of saliva dripped on Shirley and Ben, which was not a good sign. Shirley looked up and saw one of the beasts hanging above them.

"Uh, Ben…" said Shirley, pointing at the Chiropteran. Ben spoke a few words.

"We'll be leaving now! Bye bye!" said Ben, waving at the glowing red eyes and smiling. Shirley smacked him on the head.

"Ben, that's the lamest way to get out of this situation," scolded Shirley. A Chiropteran landed behind them and growled beside Ben's head. He could feel it sniffing him.

"Stand still. They're interested on the blood packs, not me," whispered Ben as he stood as still as a stick. The Chiropteran roared at him, giving him time to do what he does best; run.

"Run!" Ben screamed like a little girl who was being abducted by a Pedo bear. They went through the groups of Chiropteran, dodging every swing of the claws and bites the Chiropterans had to offer. After making through the group, they ran to a crossroad where Chiropterans were crawling down the buildings and making a circle around them. They were surrounded.

"Oh no. This is the end of us, Shirley! It's the end of us!" shouted Ben in desperation. Shirley clawed him across his face.

"Ow! Just because we're about to die doesn't mean you can claw me to death first!" exclaimed Ben. Shirley yelled at him.

"Then what about the cell phone Doug gave you?"

"Oh ya. I forgot about that," remembered Ben, taking out the cell phone and pressed the speed dial. The Chiropterans were closing on them. Shirley looked at him and asked.


"He said that a team of slayers will come. But wherever they are, they won't be here in time," replied Ben as the Chiropterans were slowly closing in on them. Shirley's fangs and claws grew as she prepared to engage these beasts. A Chiropteran lunged towards Ben. He could only put his hands in front to protect himself and closed his eyes to meet his impending doom…

But nothing happened. Ben slowly opened his eyes and found the attacking Chiropteran decapitated by a woman standing in front of him.

"Tash?" inquired Ben. But then he remembered that Tash had waist-long blonde hair. This woman had brown hair. She wore a pink sweater, grey miniskirt and knee-length black boots; very unlikely this woman was Tash. She was carrying a sword identical to the one used by Doug. She turned around and faced Ben with merciless eyes; they glowed red. Then a Chiropteran jumped and tried to attack her. She dodged the beast with ease and decapitated it with a swift stroke. She glared at the others. The others, in fear, began to crawl away from Ben and the woman, going back into hiding. The woman turned around and faced Ben. This time, her eyes no longer glowed red.
"Where's my brother?" asked the woman, sliding her sword back to its sheath and slinging the sheath behind her back.

"Who? What?" asked Ben, trying to figure out the identity of this woman's 'brother'. The woman stared at him blankly.

"Douglas Kreig?" asked the woman again, giving the 'duh' stance at him.

"Oh right. He's battling Shirley," replied Ben. The Cliché Stick looked at him.

"Huh? But I'm here," said Shirley.

"No, not you! The Sue!"

"Then say so!" Shirley smacked him in the head, sending him flying to a nearby building. The woman just watched their antics. After Ben recovered from being smashed into a building, he led her to a nearby high rise to find Doug from the top.

"By the way, I've never caught your name…"

"It's Rina. Figure the rest."


Doug was sent flying down from the skies and he crashed into the road, creating a trench. Doug rolled around and got up. He had blood all over his body; cuts and wounds were healing, but slower than usual. Doug was staring at Shirley in the sky; his fangs elongated, his eyes glowed red. Shirley had some cuts and bruises, but being a Sue meant that all wounds healed instantly. Doug yelled at her as she dived towards him.

"Come on! Inserting yourself as the third Queen is the most overused storyline I've ever heard!" Shirley swung her blade and Doug blocked it. He deflected her sword away and stabbed her through the chest. Shirley screamed in pain.

"And making a name to rhyme with the other two queens? Maya? Give me a break!" yelled Doug, jerking his sword away from Shirley, and Shirley fell down. She tried to get up but Doug pointed his sword at her throat. Doug was panting, with blood flowing down his forehead.

"You… are… under arre-Aaaugh!" Doug yelled as a claw went through his back. The claw belonged to a man who looked like one of the canon characters in the story. Doug turned his head and recognized the character immediately.

"Kai… why…?" The redhead swung his arm to dislodge Doug from his claw and threw him to a nearby wall. Doug slammed into the wall; only to be pinned by spikes. The spikes pinned him through the abdomen and shoulders; Doug wailed in pain. Chevalier Kai picked Shirley up, who walked towards the pinned-up Doug.

"I know the author made you strong enough to take out a queen, but not her Chevaliers as well. I took precautions before you came here, and took this juicy little fellow as my Chevalier," said Shirley, caressing her Chevalier's hair. Her Chevalier stood as still as a tree. Then a shot rang out, hitting Shirley on the head. Chevalier Kai quickly went in front of her to protect her from any more shots.

"Dang!" exclaimed Rhia, pulling the bolt on her modified 'Plot Bunny Sniper Rifle'. She was on the roof of a skyscraper.

"Hold your fire! That is one of the canon characters!" yelled Tash, with Adrian and the Society members backing her up; weapons primed. Shirley got up and gave a wicked laugh; her bullet wound closed and the bullet came out.

"Oh, the Elimination Society has arrived. Too bad they're all gonna die. Kai, kill them," commanded Shirley.

Chevalier Kai dashed towards the Agents; they threw all their attacks at him but with no avail. Chevalier Kai dodged all the attacks at speeds they've never seen before; the Society Agents only scratched the surface on this fandom. Kai grabbed one of the Agents and was about to stab through him when he suddenly wailed in pain and the claws that he was gifted with was melting away. The Agents rushed to their comrade; they saw the canon character slowly positioning into a foetal position, a Copyright dart stuck to his neck. They all looked to find Doug, still pinned to the wall, holding his dart pistol, aiming at Kai. Then he dropped the gun and slumped into exhaustion. Shirley growled as she dodged Tash's Juari-Ken attacks and Adrian's Hoshikuzu. She then opened a plot hole to escape. Seeing the Sue escape, the Agents headed towards Doug. Doug pulled himself out of the spikes; his fangs protruding out of his mouth, his eyes glowing as red as ever. Tash was the first to reach him.

"Doug, are you all right?" asked Tash. Doug looked and growled at her; Tash had a split second to react from being bitten by Doug.

"What the…?" she exclaimed as she dodged Doug's bite, her back on the wall. Doug was about to attack her again when someone flew by and kicked him on the head, sending him metres away from her. Tash saw a woman standing before her; the same woman Ben had met. Tash heard someone running towards her; it was Ben. Ben quickly picked up Tash and pulled her away from the scene.

"What's going on?" demanded Tash.

"Never be with a halfling when he is berserk," replied Ben.

"What?" Ben handed the empty blood packet with the labels to Tash. Tash read it and cupped her hand on her mouth. Doug jumped and bit Rina on the neck, drinking the blood he needed. The other Agents tried to react, but Rina stopped them with a simple hand signal. After Doug was satisfied, Doug closed his eyes and fell into a coma. Rina, paler than usual, picked him up on her back and began carrying him back home. Tash stepped forward and confronted Rina.

"Is he going to be okay?" asked Tash.

"He'll be fine," replied Rina, eyeing the comatose Doug. "He'll be back up in a day or two."

"Thank god," said Tash, relieved. "When he wakes up, tell him that he's in big trouble."

"I will," replied Rina. She gripped on the necklace she was wearing and chanted a few words. They both disappeared in a flash of light. Tash turned and looked at Ben with an evil grin. Ben cringed.

"Since he's out for a while, you have to fill in for helping him," said Tash. You could see the horror on Ben's face.

"Come on, mates. Let's head back." Tash opened a plot hole and all the Agents went through it.

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