Sunday, April 8, 2012

ACMSES: The Night Before Christmas

The last number of the great winter circus in author Peter's mind world had just ended. Author Peter walked on stage, holding a bundle of papers under his arm. He bowed to the crowd before sitting down in a leather chair that has been brought in for the occasion and said "As a final thing before you go home to enjoy Christmas eve, I want to tell about the night before Christmas in the Anti-cliché and Mary-Sue elimination society.".

Unknown to Peter, Pete and Joe was sneaking up behind him. He didn't notice, until they jumped him and gave him a noogie "Lame!" They yelled in unison.

"Why are you here." Peter asked as Pete and Joe let go of him. they signaled two of the workers of the circus to bring in two stools for them to sit on.

Pete and Joe sat down on the stools as Joe explained "We're here to stop you from telling this boring story to the audience."

Peter looked at Joe and said "Hey, I just wanna send these people home with a smile on their faces."

"Yeah, a smile on their faces. They're gonna bore themselves to death." Pete said.

Peter looked from Joe to Pete "No they're not, it's a very enjoyable story."

Pete looked out at the audience and said "Yeah, enjoyable like a root canal."

"Can I just read the story, please."

"Oh please do." Pete and Joe said in unison.

Peter cleared his throat and looked the papers in his hands, before taking a last look back at the audience and started to tell his story "It was the night before Christmas, and every agent in the Anti-cliché and Mary-Sue elimination society had just settled down for the night…"

"Except for Tyler, who was running around the library on a sugar high." Joe interrupted.

Peter gripped the papers in his hands harder as he looked angrily at Joe and said "Will you stop that, it's not funny, and Tyler is not always on a sugar high" The audience began to snicker.

Peter broke in "And yet he's always hungry for sugar, and will do anything to get it. What is it we call that?"

"Oh I know, I know, an addict." Joe answered.

Peter held his head in one hand and said "Uh. Look, if you're gonna do that all the way through the story, I'm gonna use both the B.L.A.M and the Genderbender on both of you, and leave you on stage, okay."

Pete and Joe swallowed out of fear and said "Okay."

Peter cleared his throat and took a look at his papers before continuing the story "Okay, carry on. Tash was laying in her bed and snuggled with Adrian, her love…".

"Doing who knows what to him under the covers." Joe interrupted. The audience had gone from snickering to actual laughing at this point.

Peter half angry and half on verge of crying asked "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Someone has to spice up this story somehow." Pete answered.

Peter rubbed his temples for a moment before he started reading from the papers yet again "Waiting the dawn to come. And even Pete and Joe, was waiting for Santa's jolly ho, ho, ho."

"Well, I don't think Pete does, but I could certainly use a hoe right now." Joe said.

The audience was giving a mix of half-hearted buhs and laughter. Peter looked at Joe weirdly for a moment before directing his attention back to his papers and said "I'm not even gonna comment on that one, that would be a new low for me." He looked back at the audience and said loudly "So let's get on with the story. The clock struck 12 and in one of the fireplaces, the fire was put out and down through the chimney Santa came…"

"To steal lingerie from every female in the society." Joe interrupted.

"No he doesn't, and let me continue. And down through the chimney Santa came to deliver his gifts to everyone…" Pete said.

"I'm just curious. How do Santa get into anything resembling lingerie?" Pete asked Joe.

"I guess it has something to do with power he's got for going down chimneys." Joe said and shrugged.

"Will you two just shut up. Oh screw it, I'll finish the story now, it's ruined anyway. Santa went around and put his presents at the doors of the agents, he even paid a visit to the Sues in the dungeon , since they shouldn't be left out on this holiday of cheers. And as fast as the wind, he was back at the chimney and with a happy and hearty ho, ho, ho, he was up chimney to come back next year, the end." A light applause came from the audience. Peter leaved the story in the chair as he raised from it to take a small bow and give some final words to the crowd "I know the story wasn't very good."

Approving mumbles came from the audience. Pete held out his hands to silence the audience before continuing "However, I do have one last thing up my sleeve before you go home. Pete, Joe, if you would join me here please."

The audiences' mumble became exited as Joe and Pete walked up besides their author.

"I call this very last number, the 'Big Lipped Alligator Moment Genderbending'." Peter said and a flash of light and a puff sound came from the stage. Music started filling the air (Cancan music to be exact). And after rubbing their eyes, the audience saw Pete and Joe, dancing in kilts, ushankas (The fur caps Russians wear), Hawaii shirts and red high heeled shoes. Peter stepped in front of the two dancing characters and took a bow in front of the laughing and clapping audience "Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've had a wonderful time here at the grand winter circus. Goodnight and get home safely." Was his last words before he left the stage.

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