Saturday, February 9, 2013

Insert Serious Crack-Smoking Here

Kyle was in a bit of a rut. It was sometime after his mission to the Samurai Pizza Cats Fandom and the Leaders had forbidden him from staying in his room, except for sleeping, and from training for a number of days. Apparently, they wanted him to interact with other members of the Society more often. Naturally, this didn't sit well with him, but he wasn't about to vent himself at the Leaders. For the most part, he stuck to either the Monitor room or the main Reading room during this time. On his way to the kitchen for some lunch one day, something moving caught his eye at the other end of the corridor he was in.

He looked up and saw a person's shadow along the wall, which quickly moved away as if the shadow itself was aware that he had seen it. Thinking it suspicious, Kyle crept towards the end of the corridor, where it split off left and right. Pressing himself against the nearest wall, he allowed himself to see down the hallway from where he was. Seeing nothing there, he slid ever closer to the corner he is flat against. Peeking around the corner and also seeing nothing, he briefly wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him, only to mentally kick himself, thinking that his mind is stronger than that.

Stepping away from the wall and into the hallway's split, Kyle closed his eyes and listened for footsteps. When he didn't hear any, he wondered if he had missed whoever it had been. That's when he heard someone clear their throat behind him, causing him to spin around and face them. This person was someone that Kyle didn't expect to see in the Library; a massively fat man, Kyle wasn't sure how he could even move with his size, with a mustache that seemed to have a mind of its own. What made this weirder in Kyle's mind was, this man was standing on the ceiling.

"You are Kyle, yes?" This massive man asked as his mustache grew longer and then crossed itself as if it were a pair of arms.

"I am. Who are you?" Kyle responded in a deliberate tone. The man didn't immediately respond as he fell from the ceiling and turned into a blob of fat upon impact with the ground. It apparently didn't harm him as he reformed almost immediately in a standing position.

"I am Fred, the Great Persona of Crack," Fred's mustache started moving, as if upset about something. "Oh yes, of course, sorry about that. This is Larry."

Kyle wasn't sure if he should facepalm, facefault, or run away screaming. He could already tell a headache was starting to form. Reaching up and massaging his forehead, he asked, "And what does the Great Persona of Crack want with me?"

Almost with glee, Fred walked over and started to put his hand on Kyle's shoulder. Kyle zipped back a few steps to avoid that. Undeterred, Fred walked towards Kyle to repeat the act. Again, Kyle zipped back a few steps.

"Sorry, but I don't really like people touching me, especially if I don't know them."

Larry drooped a bit as Fred just stood there for a moment. Then he just shrugged and Larry perked up again. Fred cleared his throat and started saying, "Kyle, Ma Boi."

Kyle knew where that came from and immediately facepalmed. Wiping his hand over his head, Kyle let his attention go back to the fat man.

"I, the Great Persona of Crack, have been asked by your friends in the Society to help you learn the joys of the Crackfic," Fred declared with glee.

"It's because I only got them gift cards for Christmas, isn't it?" Kyle thought aloud as he wondered what he had done to deserve the Society calling this guy down on him. As if he hadn't spoken, Fred continued.

"Come, there is much for you to learn," A portal appeared on the wall as he finished that sentence. With all the psychedelic colors swarming in this portal, Kyle couldn't see any destination.

"Where does this portal lead to anyway?" Kyle asked almost defensively. Larry took on a smile-ish appearance as Fred replied.

"Why spoil the surprise? Come on now." Fred entered the portal as Kyle hesitated. Kyle considered just walking away and forget that this ever happened. It apparently wasn't a choice as a fat hand shot out of the portal and grabbed his arm. With no time to react, Kyle was dragged in.


When Kyle's senses came back to him, he found himself in midair...on a broomstick. As he was looking at his mount, he noticed that he wasn't in his leisure clothes anymore. He was dressed in Gryffindor quidditch robes. This brought the rest of his attention to the happenings around him and what he saw shocked him. There was only chaos on the Quidditch field; instead of the normal 7 players per team, there were several dozen. So much was happening that Kyle wasn't able to follow all of it.

What he could follow made him want to bang his head on a hard, flat surface. Instead of the Quaffle ball, the Chasers were playing with live chickens. The Bludgers weren't balls of iron, instead they were flying copies of Taz, the Tasmanian Devil. Along the ground were Road Runner and Speedy Gonzales being chased by Sylvester the Cat and Wile E. Coyote, who were riding broomsticks in quidditch robes. He watched as Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam were taking potshots at Bugs Bunny with their guns. Each time, they missed and hit Daffy Duck instead.

Kyle was watching with growing mirth. He grew up with Looney Tunes and he still finds them funny, usually. He started laughing when an Anvil fell out of the sky and slammed down on his head. The anvil cracked, falling off in two pieces and left Kyle with a long cartoony bump in his head. He pushed it down and then rubbed the spot for a moment. After that, he looked up only to see an empty sky above him. Then he looked down and saw that the anvil halves had hit Sylvester and Wile E, flattening them.

While Kyle knew that they'd be alright, he started heading towards the ground as he felt better with his feet on something solid. As he descended, a boot came out of nowhere and hit him in the face. It slid off like it would in most cartoons and left a red print from chin to forehead. He reached up and took his glasses off as they were pressing into his face because of the boot. By the time he landed, his face was normal again and he put his glasses back on.

"That was funny to watch. Ready to go?" Fred popped up behind Kyle, causing Kyle to jump a bit before he turned around to face Fred.

"If we're leaving, I want to choose the next place. Got it?" Kyle was kind of peeved that he got hit twice out of nowhere. Fred shrugged as a portal opened up on the stadium wall. After taking a deep breath, Kyle entered the portal with Fred following.


The area where Kyle and Fred ended up was kind of confusing. Confusing in the fact that, it was just an ordinary sandy desert. Fred was looking a bit disappointed at the scene. Turning to Kyle, he said.

"A desert? I let you control where the portal goes and you take us to a desert?" Larry was apparently expressing Fred's anger as he was moving about lividly. Kyle didn't say anything as his stomach grumbled. Fred had interrupted his lunch time after all. Instead of reaching into his Astral Vault to get something, he reached down and scooped up some sand and then ate some of that. Fred's eyes widened in surprise while Larry turned into a bunch of bristles in shock. When Kyle finished that handful, he decided to explain.

"This isn't a true desert. I decided to be a bit humorous and brought us to a stealth pun location. Everything here is edible. For example, the sand is cookie crumbs." Kyle reached down and got another handful. Fred blinked a few times and then tried to reach down himself, but couldn't due to his girth. So instead, he faceplanted into the cookie sand. Standing back up, he swallowed his mouthful and said.

"I have to admit, this is good sand. There's hope for you yet. Just like Whatey."

"Who?" Kyle asked blankly.

"Whatey. He's one of your buddies from the Society that my old student, Ben, introduced me to." Fred replied in a kind of incredulous tone, like he was surprised that Kyle didn't know who he was talking about. Kyle just stared at him blankly, but then just shrugged. He was about to scoop himself another handful of sand when the ground started rumbling. Out of the sand came... a giant gummy worm. Kyle facefaulted upon seeing it.

"What is this, the Dune Series?" The gummy worm looked at them for a moment and then the front of it opened to reveal what could be called its mouth. It pulled back a moment and then basically hawked a dark brown lugee. Kyle jumped back a bit and watched it hit where he was. It was steaming as it sat there. Kyle sniffed the air for a moment and then facefaulted.

"A giant gummy worm that spits hot fudge? That doesn't make any sense at all!" The worm burrowed back underground while Kyle got busy rubbing his forehead to forestall a headache. After a few moments, the grounds stopped shaking as the worm apparently left the vicinity. Kyle sighed and then said, "This has not been a good day. What will happen next?"

He probably should have kept his mouth shut as, suddenly, hundreds of giant slabs of meatloaf fell from the sky. The meatloaves got up, Kyle grumbled to himself as he facepalmed, and then music started playing. Kyle recognized it as Michael Jackson's song, Thriller. When the meatloaves began dancing to the music, Kyle slapped his forehead once again. He looked over at Fred to find him joining the meatloaves in their dance like Michael did for the zombies in the music video. Watching a impossibly fat man dance with hundreds of slabs of meatloaves made Kyle's mood worsen several points. You see, Kyle can be easy to annoy and/or frustrate and a quick way to do that is to constantly break his pacing. Anyone who knows this could tell that his annoyance would soon peak and then the song hit this point.

"And though you fight to stay alive
 Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller"

"The, END!" Kyle stretched out his arms and a burst of chaotic fiery energy shot out from them. Fred and the Meatloaves stopped dancing to watch the incoming attack. It struck the ground and erupted in an explosion that would put Ben's nukes to shame. While not actually a nuclear explosion, it was pretty darn close. When the dust settled and all of the smoke was clearing, Kyle was found on his back. He slowly got up, aching all over and in need of some new clothing, though he wasn't indecent. Then the smoke cleared enough for him to see Fred and the Meatloaves. Where Fred was, a blob of fat took his place while all the meatloaves had been burned to a crisp. When the blob reformed into the 800 pound man, he looked around in horror at the charred meatloaves.

"Noo, Meatloaf!" Fred ran over to the nearest one and knelt down beside it as best he could. "Hang in there, Meatloaf... Meatloaf... MEATLOAF! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!"

Kyle had changed into new clothes while watching this. With a facepalm, he gets close enough to Fred to say, "What a Large Ham. That was so full of Narm, it was ridiculous."

Fred got up and turned around. Kyle didn't expect Larry to be smiling or for Fred to say, "Thank you. I've been practicing that for hundreds of years."

Kyle blinked, "You're not upset? Even with that Narm, I thought you were actually upset."

"Whatever gave you that idea? This is a Crackfic, everything that happens is done for the humor." Fred stated as Larry was essentially shrugging. "Besides, I'm the Great Persona of Crack, I could bring them right back in an instant if I wanted to."

"Please don't. The first time was disturbing enough," said Kyle as he fought down a shudder. "Anyway, are we done yet?"

Fred got a devious look in his eyes and said, "Not yet. I don't think you understand the joys of Crack yet."

Once again, the portal from before appeared, this time on the nearest cactus. With resignation, Kyle was caught off guard by Fred and Larry dragging him through the portal.


This next area that they were taken was far beyond what Kyle expected it to be. After all, he hadn't pictured the Great Persona of Crack would drag him to a massive futuristic metropolis. He'd almost compare it to the Futurama fandom. Only thing that made it truly different from Futurama was the fact that the population of this future was nothing but zombies...sparkling zombies. These zombies apparently take after the vampires of the Twilight fandom as only those in direct sunlight sparkled. Kyle wasn't paying any attention to the zombies though, his eyes were on all the advanced tech. Fred was a bit surprised to see Kyle zip from one place and gaze at the technology to another and try handling a strange device or two. While holding one such device, a zombie came up to him and said, "Hail stranger, art thou living?"

Kyle didn't take his eyes off the device as he replied, "Thouest wonders of my state of life? Doth this make thee a bigot?"

The zombie stood there a moment in thought. Then he said, "Nay. Thine state of life offends me not. Thy state merely catcheth me off my guard. Living beings hath been deceased for many a century."

For a second, the zombie paused and then got an almost possessed look on its face, "...Living beings with, BRAINS!"

"Thou speaketh truly?" Kyle asked, slamming the device in the zombie's face as it lunged at him. When the zombie backed down and shook its head to clear what passes for a mind, Kyel set down the device and turned to face the zombie. His face was deadpan as he continued, "Speakest thee, what cataclysm robbed the lives of thy world?"

"Oh stranger, a cataclysm most destructive and disturbing. Storms of coconut milk fell from the sky while the sea turned to soy sauce. A plague of waffles cleared the sprawling cities of their Facebook. Humming squirrels preyed upon the cookies of the clueless. Ubsurdity turned cows against chickens in a happy hour that deluded millions. It was the signs of the Foamy!" The zombie exclaimed to the wondering Kyle.

"Mine ears cannot but accept this as truth." Kyle said with some sadness in his voice. The zombie was so shaken up by his own explanation that he wandered off spouting "The signs of the Foamy!"

Kyle watched him walk away before moving on himself to check out more advanced technology. It was shortly after he started moving again that he came across a kiosk for hamburgers. Apparently zombies in this place had to eat just like normal people. Anyway, as Kyle got close, a zombie manning the kiosk spoke up.

"Hail stranger. Thou art the first living being I hast beheld since I lived. Hast thee eaten yet?"

Kyle turned to answer him, "Nay, but snacks. Pray thee answer this, what meat dost thou cut for thine burgers?"

"Pray my answer sates thee, only the best rat meat is cut for burgers here." The zombie replied.

"Rat meat, thou sayest? Only rats survive to serve and sate carnivorous hunger, then?" Kyle questioned.

The zombie looked a bit surprised, but then responded, "Correct, stranger, unless thy prefer the taste of insects... or brains. Of course, other animals still stand, but just like us, they have rotted and decayed, rendering their meat foul. No fresh brains have been seen in years."

Like the other zombie before it, this one paused as it gained a possessed look, "Fresh... BRAINS!"

Kyle nodded and then thumped the zombie on the head with his fist. As the zombie recovered, Kyle said as he started walking away, "Thank thee for the knowledge and I pray for thy success in thy endeavors."

He was some ways away when he heard someone behind him say, "Have fun yet?"

When Kyle turned around, Fred had caught up to him while holding a burger.

"Well, it seemed like you were. You certainly know your Le Olde English." Fred said before looking at his wrist like he had a watch on. "Oh my, would you look at the time. I've almost used up all of your dream. Time for me to leave you with your regularly scheduled program."

Kyle blinked at this comment. Fred created the portal on a nearby wall and vanished through it. Almost immediately, it closed and the massive metropolis was Kyle's room. It took a moment for Kyle to recognize where he was. Once he did, he realized that he was naked. A giggle came from behind him so he turned around to find Chun-Li from the Street Fighter fandom underneath the covers of his bed in the same state of dress as he was. She held up the covers in invitation while Kyle approached with a look of awe on his face.


Kyle snapped out of his slumber. Sitting up, he sighed dejectedly as his mind kept that last bit of his dream for several moments. "Dang it... always at the good parts."

After a time, the dream faded from his mind. Checking the clock, he moaned at the early hour and then tried going back to bed. He turned on his side to face the wall, unaware of someone looking at him from his closet. Fred was watching the sleeping form on the bed when a woman appeared behind him. She had an ethereal beauty to her; lightly tanned, smooth skin, a blue veil covering her midnight black hair and it was topped by a sky blue toga.

"I have to thank you, Persona of Crack. I've finally been awakened after so many years." Her voice was as beautiful as she was. Fred turned to her with a grin on his face.

"Well, I can't really take all the credit, now can I? It was the person you serve that remembered that he loved mad-libs." The woman smiled in response to this. She turned to look at the sleeping character.

"His Society character is too serious to play with Crack, but my Author is reawakening to me, his Muse of Mad-libs and Improv. While I cannot be certain he can do more Crack, my return means that he can start being less serious." Fred and the Muse stood there in silence for a moment before they both faded away.

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