Thursday, January 23, 2014

Insert Comedic Attempts at Theft Here

Take 1, Action!

Tyler crawled through a ventilation duct surprisingly fast, possibly due to the half a dozen land piranhas flying after him.

"Where did Adrian even get land piranhas?" Tyler wondered. "It's like he actually believes that the mere fact of him buying the cookies somehow makes them his property!" He dropped out of the duct, landing on a hard stone floor.

"Tell me about it," Drake responded. For his part, the armored Agent had been running from a large, angry, and unfortunately air-breathing flying shark. "You've got a plan, right?"

"The cookies are right ahead, Adrian put up proximity mines… yes, I have a plan."

"Good, because the cookies are maybe twenty feet away."

"I kno- wait, what?" Tyler turned forward. Sure enough, the cookies (mounted as always on a large stone pedestal) were looming out of the corridor. "Drake!"



Both Drake and Tyler leapt into the air, soaring majestically over the pedestal. The piranhas (and shark), meanwhile, crashed into it head-on. The resulting explosion was painful-

"And tasty!" Tyler swallowed one of the nicely roasted piranha.

"Don't forget what we came here for," Drake reminded.

"Right." Tyler reached for the cookies. Unfortunately, as he did so, his hand broke a razor-thin string. "What?"

Don't ever interrupt me again.

"Now that's just disproportion-"

Tyler was interrupted by a spear stabbing right next to his right foot. "GAH!" Another whizzed past his ear.

"Slicing Gale!" Drake shouted. Bursts of wind energy sliced through a spear, shattered one of the launchers, and buried itself in the pedestal.

"Drake, watch out for the cookies!" Tyler threw a burst of energy at a launcher, smashing it.

Drake nodded, before ripping out one of the launchers and jamming it into the barrel of another.

"How is that even physically possible?" Tyler ducked a spear, and blasted a launcher into powder with a handful of explosives.

"Just go with it!" Drake shot back. "Storm Punch!" He rammed a fist into a launcher, and the metal crumpled under the force of the blow.

"Random Blast of Magic that Shouldn't Have a Name But I Wanted it to So it Does!" Tyler blasted the last launcher into oblivion.

"You're mocking me, aren't you?"

"Naturally." Tyler grabbed the plate of cookies, popping on into his mouth. "Delicious."

"Um, Tyler?"


"What's that noise?"

Tyler swallowed his cookie and cocked his head to one side. His eyes widened as he heard the familiar sound of a Plothole opening, and they got even wider as he saw a disturbingly familiar orange glow cast onto the pedestal. "RUN!"

Both Drake and Tyler sprinted away as a huge stream of magma flowed from the Plothole, flooding after the duo.

They darted through the Dart Hall.

They shot through the Turret Chamber.

They ran through the Room of Sentient Death Stockings.

With the lava close behind, Tyler and Drake cleared the Corridor of Flying Axe-Spiders, and leapt out into the Library proper, slamming a door behind them.

"No cookies?" Drake asked.

"No cookies," Tyler sighed.


Take 2, Action!

"So you're sure the cookies are this way?" Tyler asked. He and Drake were walking down a long corridor.

"Of course," Drake replied. "They're always there."

"Good." The pair reached a pit trap. "We're splitting up here?"

"Yeah. You go on ahead to collect the cookies, I stay here to unlock the door afterward."

Tyler hopped over the pit. Immediately, a huge wall crashed down, cutting him off from Drake. After reaching the cookies, the smaller Agent pulled out his communicator. "I'm in. The cookies are on a pedestal."

"Cool. You see the big red button?"

"Yup." Tyler pushed it.

"Don't push it."

Tyler paled. "Um… are you sure you said, 'Don't push the big red button?"


"Time to go." Tyler went. By the time he had reached the wall, Drake had it open, and the two sprinted to freedom as the corridor exploded.

"So, did you get the cookies?" Drake asked. Tyler froze, dropping to his knees.



Take 3, Action!

Tyler was getting closer. He could feel it. One more corner…

Yes! There were the cookies! There was their fragrance, sugar and chocolate and butter and milk! There was the LPMC airlifting them out!

…Wait, what?

"Hey, come back! I was here first!" Tyler was too late, as the LPMC vanished into an air duct. He shot an energy bolt after them, but missed.


Presumably to add insult to injury (or injury to insult as the case may be), Tyler managed to trigger a trap, and was promptly glued to a wall by a blast of ABC bubble gum.

"Damn it!"

By the time Tyler had burned his way out of the gum, the LPMC were long gone.


Take 4, Action!

"So, if I aim the catapult here, the force of the rock striking the pressure plate should be enough to trigger the net. After the net goes off, two metal arms will impale it. I'll run across the arms to avoid the acid pit, disable the swinging blades, drop down to turn off the forcefield, jump back onto the arms before the chloroform geysers trigger, and get my rope. After the lasers go off, I'll snare the cookies with the rope, and make my getaway!"

With his plan thus made, Tyler proceeded into the usual corridor, avoiding each trap with skill born of around a year of practice. As the last laser went off, Tyler snagged the cookies with the rope, and began reeling them in.

"Closer… closer…"

A rocket launcher emerged from the wall, blasting the cookies into crumbs.



Takes 5 through 10, Action!

Tyler was launched out of the corridor by a spring bigger than the season….


A trap released a swarm of scorpions, forcing Tyler to flee.


A vacuum yanked Tyler into it, spitting him out inside a kitchen. Rhia's kitchen.


Tyler dashed up the arm of the robot, leaping onto its chest and slashing through its neck.

"Heads…" Tyler backflipped onto the ground, kicking the robot's head into the ceiling, where it was crushed in a manner reminiscent of that of a pancake. "UP!"

From outside of the corridor, Tyler heard something that made his blood run cold. It was the words, "I heard that!" spoken as if by a large, irritable, stick of wood.

"Oh no….."

Nobody was particularly surprised when, an hour later, Tyler was found lying unconscious on the floor of the main room, his limbs and extremities having been tied together with astonishing disregard for the actual alignment of his bones.


Tyler was in a very good mood. Following his recovery from Shirley's attack (which had taken over a week), he had gone back through the corridor, this time avoiding each and every trap. Finally, he had obtained the cookies. He picked them up, gingerly avoiding the nuclear acid-spitting beetle trap, and carefully walked out of the corridor. Thus liberated, Tyler proudly held the cookies over his head, triumph on every inch of his face. "I did it!"

"I'll take those."

"Huh?" Tyler spun around in time to witness Adrian calmly eating a cookie. "Thanks Tyler. I really wasn't looking forward to going through those traps myself." He walked off, carrying the cookies.

Tyler's jaw dropped.

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