"We should've killed him."
Willie and Tyler were bored. Very, very bored. Honestly, this degree of boredom had probably never been achieved by human or fish kind. Nothing was exploding, all of Adrian's candy had been stolen. The candy that they actually knew about, anyway…
"Why?" Tyler asked.
"'Cause it would've been fun." Willie said, lazily tossing around a ball of Hellfire. Up down, up down. Soon the monotony would probably put him to sleep.
Luckily Willie's Communicator buzzed, saving him a likely death by boredom. He flipped it open and Tash's face appeared on the screen.
"Willie, there's a Sue in the... Toriko fandom. You're a fan, right?"
"Yeah!" Willie said enthusiastically. This was just the thing to ease his boredom. Tyler, however, was going to be left to waste away from lack of explosions. Oh well.
"You know the drill, get in, get out, and don't kill a canon character." Tash's face disappeared and the screen was left with just a bit of static. Willie jumped up from the unidentified mass on which he had been sitting and ran to get his Plothole generator. At least, that's what he told Tyler.
As Willie walked down the empty hallway, he got his phone out of his pocket and answered it. "Let me guess. The Sue in the Toriko fandom has the next artifact, am I right? he asked, smirking sarcastically.
"Obviously, otherwise this call would have been nonexistent, like a five footed rock!" the warped voice answered, Dimentio's ever present glee tainting every word he spoke.
"Um… okay," he replied, still baffled by the bizarre similes that Dimentio came up with on a regular basis. "Anyway, is there any other reason for the call, or can I just hang up and get ready?" he continued, praying that the latter was the case.
"Just one more thing. Refresh the Suergy block on the monitoring system before you go. Our techies are going a good job maintaining it but we need a little more before it starts to wane," Dimentio said, before being met with a sigh by Willie.
"Alright then. Talk to you when I get the artifact," he said, before hanging up and continuing his walk to retrieve his Plothole Generator. After all, the fact that he hadn't left to get it didn't mean that he didn't need to get it.
In the Human World, the Gourmet Age was in full bloom, all because of one woman. Parsley Sage Rosemary Thyme Sirloin Pork had climbed the ladder of IGO, the International Gourmet Organization, as easily as she became the world's greatest Gourmet Hunter, outstripping Toriko for most food ingredients discovered. She also was the first to beat him in an eating contest, eating more food in a minute than Toriko ate in a month, yet always maintaining that perfect thin frame. With her incredible looks, purple hair, pale skin and golden eyes, she easily attracted the attention of Coco, master of poison, whom she swiftly married. It was at this point that the readers threw up, the sound of bile the alarm that thrust the Society into action.
In front of the Food Palace, Parsley's pleasure-dome of food, love, and more food, Willie stepped out of a rapidly appearing and disappearing Plothole. He looked up at the edifice with disgust. It looked like a giant bowl of ramen filled with various foods so rare that just seeing it was something worth millions of dollars.
"You have got to be kidding me. Methinks this woman came from the Naruto crossover section of this fandom," he mused, before sighing and pulling out his sword. "Let's get this over with," he continued, before walking up to the steak-shaped door and kicking it down.
Miss Parsley was sitting on a large throne carved out of a pear. Willie almost facepalmed then. The rest of the room was the same, the entire thing modeled from food, though much of it was ramen.
Definitely Naruto crossover. He thought.
"Who dares disturb me, the great, powerful, and beautiful ruler!" she clichéd.
Wow… that's really laying it on thick… Willie thought.
"Blah blah, you're under arrest, blah blah, you're manipulating the fandom, blah blah, raping canon, blah blah, are you coming quietly or do I get to kill you?"
"Why should I go with you? I am a perfect being! My sheer flawlessness absolves me of any crime I might commit; assuming such a thing is even possible! And you are an imperfect being! Though you are pretty cute… Where was I? Oh yes, superior being." Meanwhile, Willie rolled his eyes, tapped his foot impatiently and repeatedly checked his nonexistent watch.
"My beauty, sweetness, talent, and justice-full-ness shall triumph over all the icky and evil things in the Multiverse through my sheer pure purity-ness. And beauty, and kindness and talent and boyfriends and girlfriends-no one can ever accuse me of not being inclusive!- and sparkly-ish-ness-y-"
"Okay, now you're just getting ridiculous!" Willie interjected. Parsley shot a bolt of lightning at him.
"It's rude to interrupt!" she shouted. The 'powerful ruler' thing she was going for was spoiled by the fact that Willie didn't so much as blink and the tiny little fact that her aim was crap and the lightning bolt missed him by a couple of feet.
"Anyway, the point that I was getting to was that I am perfect, I can make you perfect, you should go out with me, and we should rule the Multiverse. What do you think?" She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and waited for his response. It didn't take long for her to get it because a derisive snort takes very little time to do.
"Why? I am perfect!" She shrieked. Like most Sues she was used to having every man bow to her and kiss her perfectly pedicured feet.
Willie yawned. In his opinion Maria was a lot more interesting. She at least snarked at him before she died a decently horrible death.
"Fine, if I can't have you- Actually, I don't really care. But you're annoying, so die." Parsley snapped her fingers. Seven men who were probably on steroids walked into the room, coming from the same random place that all hench-type-people come from.
"Boys," she said, "Get him."
As the seven slabs of beef and stupidity rushed at Willie, he quickly drew his sword and began shooting blasts of fire, all of which went out the second the connected with the muscles of the men
"Ha ha ha! You fool! I had my men equipped against elemental attacks, your specialty! Now you'll regret denying me and my perfection!" Parsley shrieked, causing Willie to roll his eyes.
"You know, you're the most annoying Sue I have ever faced!" he screamed, before being felled by a punch from one of the men, who curiously enough had two champagne bottles on each wrist. As Willie lay on the ground trying to get his wind back, the man stood over him, aiming all four bottles at his back.
"Now you will pay for defying my mistress. Champagne Bla-" the man began, before a long grey something shot out of nowhere and pierced his tiny brain, killing him instantly. As the other six stood, shocked, they were each hit by tiny needles, causing them to slump to the ground unconscious. As Willie got up, his eyes tightened.
"What, not happy to see your old friends?" the short, thin, gray man asked. Before you ask any questions, yes, it was Elder Toguro.
"You're fine, more or less. It's everyone else," Willie replied, before turning to lock eyes with a familiar blonde half-ninja.
"Willie."
"Roxie."
"You two really should have stayed together." Glorificus said. Yes, Glorificus a.k.a. Glory from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Screaming is allowed.
Willie and Roxie glared at each other and crossed their arms in unison.
"What are you three doing here? I can handle everything fine on my own." Willie glared at them and tensed up, knowing that if those three were here nothing good was coming.
"Boredom, the desire to kill something, oh, and the boss thinks you're doing a crappy job." Roxie said, smirking as she said the last few words.
"Hmph. I'm doing fine." Willie said, the testosterone almost hitting visibility.
"No, you're way too damn slow."
Roxie had uncrossed her arms and was lightly touching the hilt of her sword.
Willie glowered.
Roxie he could handle. Toguro he could mess up so bad the freak of nature wouldn't be bothering anyone for a while. Together he could maybe take them. But with Glory? No chance in Hell.
Glory made a small step forward and flicked her hair back sueishly. Yep, adjective now.
"Willie, it hurts me. Wounds me even. We need to get this plan moving. And it- it's just so cruel how you're not doing your job! So do your damn job so I can go home and maybe rule the universe!" Glory said, hitting Willie into a wall on the last sentence.
Willie slowly picked himself off the ground. He groaned in pain, slipping into a more defensive stance. He had forgotten how much her hits hurt. And he hadn't even seen her move... Note to self: Never mess with Hellgods unless you're reasonably sure you can rule their home dimension with an iron fist.
Nearly all the unsatisfied characters in the fandom-verse in the CCMD and he sends these three, Willie thought. For those interested, CCMD stands for Canon Characters for Multiversal Destruction. "Well, if Haku taught you well enough, those needles should wear off in around another minute. Shall we recommence with the murder?" he asked.
"No. You go take care of that idiot over there who isn't bothering to attack us while we talk. MY bloodlust is up, so we'll take care of these meatslabs over here," Elder Toguro said, and Willie blanched. If he had learned one thing from his years in the CCMD, when Elder Toguro wanted blood, best to stay out of the way.
"Okay, but if these losers defeat you three, I'm having Dimentio demote you," he said, before running off to attack Parsley. As he did so, the six doomed men got up, much to the delight of the three sadists.
"Well now, let's get started!" Roxie said, before the three began the massacre.
The men immediately broke off into three two man groups, rather than rushing the three all at once like smart people would to. The first group of two immediately charged towards Elder Toguro. Big mistake.
"Salad Bar!" one of them screamed, before pulling a giant metal bar covered with vegetables out of thin air and proceeding to beat Elder Toguro to death with it. Or at least, that was the plan. What actually happened was Elder Toguro's razor sharp hands minced the bar into pieces and then tore out the guy's heart, which he then ate.
"My brother! You'll pay for that! Steak Kick!" the other man shouted, before kicking Toguro in the face with his right leg, which was covered in steak.
"Do you really think this will-huh. These things are actually amaz-" Toguro said, before his head was knocked practically off his body by a second kick, also covered in steak, but these steaks looked harder than steel.
"Hah! How do you like them apples, murderer?" the poor deluded fool asked, before Toguro's fingers stabbed him through the chest.
"You miserable sack of blood and nerves. Did you really think simply kicking me like that would do anything?" he asked, before twisting his fingers, causing the once-confident fool to scream in agony. "Oh, we're going to have so much fun."
Meanwhile, Glory was punching and kicking the two men like they weren't even there. Before they even had a chance to use their special attacks, they were on the ground, near death.
"What, done already? How not, well, glorious. But, now time to feed," she said, before bending down and sticking her fingers into the brains of the two. They suddenly began screaming like the world was ending, but soon stopped as Glory removed her fingers and licked them.
"Pity. Not much there to take. Ah well, some is better than none, right?" she asked, before pulling a makeup compact out of nowhere and touching up.
"Fruit of Rainbow!" the man screamed, in what was becoming a trend, before firing seven blasts of different colored energy at Roxie, who swiftly deflected them out of the way with her sword before running forward and stabbing him in the chest. She then turned to the last man standing.
"So you're the only one left? I hope you're more of a challenge than your pathetic friends," she taunted as he brought his hands together.
"Oh, you bet. I am the most powerful, seven times more powerful than all of my comrades. Take this! Ultimate Full Course!" he exclaimed, before launching blasts of acidic champagne, tough steaks, metal bars with vegetables on them, giant mutant salmon, metal popcorn, and fruit energy blasts. The battle ended within ten seconds. Two seconds for Roxie to deflect everything, two to run up to the man, two to stab him, two for him to die, and two for her to taunt.
"Sorry, but seven times zero is still zero," she said, before cleaning her sword of unworthy blood.
"What? But how is this possible? I'm perfect!" Parsley shouted as her men died. She then shuddered for a moment, before her body vanished, revealing Willie standing behind her with a smoking golden gun in his hands.
"No, you're dead. And good riddance," he said, before picking up the golden gem-studded necklace on her throne and tossing it to Roxie. "Here, take this back to Dimentio for me, will you?"
Roxie caught it, then smirked. "Sure, but take a little gift from me too," she said, before picking up some blood and tossing it at Willie, staining his clothes bright red. He sighed.
"Fine, fine. Now go away. I need to get back to the Society and talk with Dimentio," he said, before opening a Plothole and jumping through it.
Willie snapped his phone shut and sighed. This was the last job like this he would ever do. The stress was killing him.
Willie put his phone away and glanced at his clothes. The clothes that were covered in blood. And he was standing right in the middle of the Library. Oops.
He heard footsteps and ran as fast as he could back to his room. If anyone saw the bloodstains there would be trouble. The kind of trouble that usually sent your plans to take over the Multiverse down the drain.
He got lucky and no one was in his way, though that was because he took about twenty different never-used shortcuts. Some of which almost sent him to a hell-dimension or three.
And there was that invisibility spell and the shield-spell but focusing on the secret passages and hell dimensions makes it sound cooler. Willie glanced up and down the hallway a few times before walking up to his door.
He opened the door and saw…nothing. The room was pitch black. Willie flipped the light switch, and his eyes widened. Sitting on one of the chairs in his room was a strange silhouetted figure. It was strange in the fact that there was more than enough light to fully show whoever it was. However, despite no features being visible, Willie began growling as recognition hit him.
"Hello Willie. Long time no see," the figure said, his voice calm and definitely masculine in tone. Willie's eyes flared as he drew his sword, lighting it aflame as he did so.
"What…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU BASTARD?" he screamed as he rushed towards the figure, showing every intention of cutting him down.
As Willie raced across the room, sword held high, but the mysterious figure simply sat there, unmoving and unconcerned. This only increased Willie's rage, and the flames on his sword rose higher and higher until the figure let out a sigh. In a moment the flames died and Willie was paralyzed. Willie grunted in frustration as the figure got up.
"I'm frankly insulted. Is that really any way to greet an old friend?" he asked, the shadows falling from his body like water.
"We were never friends," Willie said, looking over the figure's revealed form. Clad in shining white armor and with a long velvet cape, he looked like a Knight Templar Stu. His helmet obscured every detail of his face, and in his right hand there was a pure white sword with glistening edges. "We were only master and servant. Or should I say author and creation?" Bitterness filled every word he spoke, and the knight shook his head.
"Why do you hate me so much?" the Author asked. "I gave you your life, your purpose, your-"
"You gave me a one-way ticket to Hell! Why would you make me sell my soul, you heartless ass!" Willie shouted, attempting to relight his sword. "I was your first successful character, why the hell would you do that to me!"
"Power, of course. I needed a powerful character, but all my other attempts were just Self-Insert Stus. In order to make a powerful character, I needed an evil one. Less chance for Stuishness. Of course, that didn't go all that well... Anyway, that's where you came in," he said, his voice carrying about as much emotion as the paint on Willie's wall. "You were my finest work. And for once I was actually tempted to give you my actual name instead of messing with the spelling."
"Please, Willie looks way cooler. Moving on, why are you here? I have nothing to connect me to you." Willie glared, which was about as much as he could do.
"To warn you. Just because you hate me doesn't mean I want you to suffer and die horribly. Dimentio is completely and utterly insane. He will betray you to get what he wants, and not even I am going to be able to save you. " The author lightly brushed an imaginary piece of dust off of his armor.
"Not that you'd want to. You say I'm your finest work, but you only come now, when we've almost won. Why don't you go on home polish that armor more, my bangs look a bit blurry."
"Willie, be serious. What do you gain from the destruction of the Multiverse?"
"Get lost."
"You don't even know why you're fighting, do you?"
"I said get lost."
"Oh, stop it. Now come with me. I can help ."
"Erase me, you mean. No thanks, I'm staying here."
"Fine, be an idiot if you want. Goodbye, I doubt we'll be seeing each other again." And with that Willy turned and walked towards the back of the room. Suddenly, Willie felt his arms loosen, letting him to move again. Within seconds, he had rushed over to his creator and slammed his sword into the helmet, knocking it clean off.
"You son of a bitch. You say I'm your finest work and you don't think I'm good enough to even..." Willie sighed, the noise somewhere between frustrated and furious, looking at the empty space the helmet had occupied moments before.
"Why are you surprised? You betrayed me, why would you ever be good enough for that?" The voice boomed out of the empty armor, which turned, picked up the helmet and resumed walking. "Oh, one last word of advice. All Hell's going to break loose here pretty soon, so you'd best be ready," The Author said, before vanishing into the only unlit corner of the room, leaving Willie with nothing but his thoughts.
Later, Willie was roused from his thoughts by an insistent knocking on his door. Willie pushed himself off his bed and opened the door just a crack.
"Tash, what do you want? I'm kinda busy." Willie said, obviously tired and irritated. Tash sighed.
"Sorry to disturb you, your highness, but you're the only one who knows the Pygmalio fandom."
"Pygmalio? Seriously? Wow, I thought that fandom would be safe from Sues and Stus. It's ancient."
"Exactly. You're the only one who's even heard of it. Well, besides Aster, but she's in one of her manga reading trances." Willie sighed.
"Fine, fine, I'll go." And with that Willie slammed the door shut and opened a plothole. He was so distracted he barely remembered to grab his D-Pistol.
The Kingdom of Rune and the many lands beyond were finally free of the terror of Medusa. As Queen Galaeta walked the halls of the palace again, she often came across her son, Kurt and his soon-to-be bride, Olea Beautiful Shining Yagami. The two had met on Kurt's travels to defeat Medusa, and had bonded in a matter of moments. After learning of his quest, she instantly decided to join him, despite her young age of twelve. With her help, Medusa fell in a matter of weeks, and the two returned to his home to prepare for the wedding.
As the sun shone brightly on a field of flowers, Willie walked out of the swiftly vanishing Plothole and looked around, frowning at the utter purity of that location.
"Oh my god. There's too much color here. I need to find this Sue before my brain melts." With that, Willie quickly looked around the area, smirking when he saw a figure crouching down about ten feet away, somehow not noticing him.
Olea hummed quietly to herself and picked another perfect daisy for her growing bouquet. Willie rolled his eyes at the complete clichéness of the scene and drew his sword.
Olea heard the noise, of course, after all, Willie doesn't a subtle bone in his body and we love him for it. She slowly looked up at him calmly, and maybe a little sadly. She stood up and brushed the grass and dust from the front of her flowing white dress of pure pureness.
"Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you." she said politely as she pulled a lily from her bouquet and offered it to the double agent. Willie raised an eyebrow but actually took the flower.
"I'm here to arrest you in the name of the society I'm betraying mostly for the heck of it. Please don't surrender. I like having an excuse to murder you. Not that I actually need one, of course, but it means the readers might end up liking me more." He said, grinning psychotically.
Olea gave him a 'what are you on' look but quickly erased the expression, returning to complete serenity. She turned to walk down the path that was line with ladybugs and butterflies and cute little honeybees and other such meadowy cliché 'good will towards all' showing insects.
She beckoned to Willie to follow her. He did, but he was pouting, crossing his arms, and generally acting rather childish because she wasn't getting scared or trying to fight him.
"I've been wondering when someone would come for me..." Olea sighed sadly and got up, needlessly brushing off the front of her pristine white gown.
"Huh, you're the first one to actually know what's going on. I should really kill you now..."
"But you won't." She said, straightening up further and lifting her pure white dress a bit so it wouldn't get dirty.
"And how do you know that?" Willie asked, crossing his arms and scowling.
"Because you haven't killed me yet." she said, smiling slightly.
They walked in silence for a few minutes, Willie getting more and more bored and getting closer and closer to just murdering her for fun. Finally, just before he overcame the strange compulsion to not murder her (let's call it empathy) Olea broke the silence.
"Willie. Do you know why I have this artifact?"
"No... I never I asked..." Willie frowned and glared at something in the distance. "That's weird... Why did I never ask...?"
The Sue gave him a sad and thoughtful look. Mostly just sad.
"After Rama ascended to Heaven, he sealed all of the artifacts away, all over the Multiverse. They stayed in their hiding places for a long time, until one of the Lieutenants unearthed them, one by one. After she did they would enter the bodies of Sues who matched their traits. When the host died, and if nothing interfered, the artifact would move on to another Sue. Lather, rinse, repeat. And until recently, no one realized it." she explained.
"Dimentio eventually put two and two together and decided to use their powers to destroy the Multiverse, because he is absolutely insane and loves chaos beyond all any form of reason." Olea took a deep breath
"Willie, I need you to kill me."
"What," Willie shouted, "Are you insane! Why would you want me to kill you?"
"Yes. Say you left, Dimentio would send someone else. That someone would probably enjoy ripping me into tiny pieces and then tap dancing on the bloody stain that used to be me." Olea said matter of factly.
"Good point... But are you sure? Do you really want to die?" Willie asked, looking confused and torn.
"Yes, I'm quite sure. Every day, every second..." she sighed heavily "So painful... So heavy... I'm tired... Just so tired... Willie, I don't want to pass horribly and painfully."
"Alright..." Willie pressed the golden pistol to her temple, took a deep breath, and fired. Olea's blood covered his clothing. And for once Willie was not happy with the sight.
As Olea's body hit the ground, it quickly dissolved into motes of light, leaving behind only a golden ring. The four gems upon it glowed in the sunlight, one brown, one green, one red and one blue. Willie bent down to pick it up, but before he could, a familiar gloved hand picked it up.
"Ah, now the fourth artifact is finally ours. Victory is near, like an air vent for Marilyn Monroe!" Dimentio exclaimed, bouncing the ring up and down on his palm.
"I swear your analogies get weirder and weirder every day," Willie responded, shaking his head. He then sighed, making Dimentio turn his attention back towards him.
"What's wrong, Willie? Shaken by the prospect of ultimate power? It happens to everyone, I assure you, but it will pass."
"No, it's not that. It's just that…I don't know. For some reason, this time felt different. She actually understood about the artifacts and she…she wanted to die."
"Then why feel bad? She wanted it, you were just giving her what she desired. I'm sure she is happy in the next world."
"I suppose you're right. Are you going back now?"
"No, I think I'll stay a bit longer and make sure that the world is purged of her influence. Run along now."
"Alright." With that, Willie opened a Plothole and walked through it, leaving Dimentio entirely alone in the field.
The second the Plothole closed, Dimentio's smile turned into a frown.
"Should have known this would happen eventually. It's painful, but nothing you couldn't expect," he said. He folded his fingers around the ring, feeling its cool weight settle in the hollow of his palm. With a sigh of contentment, he snapped the fingers on his other hand.
He almost staggered as his weight balance changed, the Sword, Bracelet and Necklace of Rama appearing at his waist, around his right wrist and around his neck respectively. He then slid the Ring of Rama onto his right index finger, and smiled.
"All the power in the Multiverse will be at my disposal soon enough. All I need is one little bracelet, and the worlds are mine. However, I will need to give serious thought to eliminating Willie as soon as he claims the final one. If he begins to emphasize with the Sues, he will become a liability. I will not have anyone taint my plans, least of all a gothic little brat like him."
Dimentio then turned on his heel and vanished from the world, leaving nothing but a dead patch of flowers to show that he had been there at all.
Willie and Tyler were bored. Very, very bored. Honestly, this degree of boredom had probably never been achieved by human or fish kind. Nothing was exploding, all of Adrian's candy had been stolen. The candy that they actually knew about, anyway…
"Why?" Tyler asked.
"'Cause it would've been fun." Willie said, lazily tossing around a ball of Hellfire. Up down, up down. Soon the monotony would probably put him to sleep.
Luckily Willie's Communicator buzzed, saving him a likely death by boredom. He flipped it open and Tash's face appeared on the screen.
"Willie, there's a Sue in the... Toriko fandom. You're a fan, right?"
"Yeah!" Willie said enthusiastically. This was just the thing to ease his boredom. Tyler, however, was going to be left to waste away from lack of explosions. Oh well.
"You know the drill, get in, get out, and don't kill a canon character." Tash's face disappeared and the screen was left with just a bit of static. Willie jumped up from the unidentified mass on which he had been sitting and ran to get his Plothole generator. At least, that's what he told Tyler.
As Willie walked down the empty hallway, he got his phone out of his pocket and answered it. "Let me guess. The Sue in the Toriko fandom has the next artifact, am I right? he asked, smirking sarcastically.
"Obviously, otherwise this call would have been nonexistent, like a five footed rock!" the warped voice answered, Dimentio's ever present glee tainting every word he spoke.
"Um… okay," he replied, still baffled by the bizarre similes that Dimentio came up with on a regular basis. "Anyway, is there any other reason for the call, or can I just hang up and get ready?" he continued, praying that the latter was the case.
"Just one more thing. Refresh the Suergy block on the monitoring system before you go. Our techies are going a good job maintaining it but we need a little more before it starts to wane," Dimentio said, before being met with a sigh by Willie.
"Alright then. Talk to you when I get the artifact," he said, before hanging up and continuing his walk to retrieve his Plothole Generator. After all, the fact that he hadn't left to get it didn't mean that he didn't need to get it.
-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-
In the Human World, the Gourmet Age was in full bloom, all because of one woman. Parsley Sage Rosemary Thyme Sirloin Pork had climbed the ladder of IGO, the International Gourmet Organization, as easily as she became the world's greatest Gourmet Hunter, outstripping Toriko for most food ingredients discovered. She also was the first to beat him in an eating contest, eating more food in a minute than Toriko ate in a month, yet always maintaining that perfect thin frame. With her incredible looks, purple hair, pale skin and golden eyes, she easily attracted the attention of Coco, master of poison, whom she swiftly married. It was at this point that the readers threw up, the sound of bile the alarm that thrust the Society into action.
-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-
In front of the Food Palace, Parsley's pleasure-dome of food, love, and more food, Willie stepped out of a rapidly appearing and disappearing Plothole. He looked up at the edifice with disgust. It looked like a giant bowl of ramen filled with various foods so rare that just seeing it was something worth millions of dollars.
"You have got to be kidding me. Methinks this woman came from the Naruto crossover section of this fandom," he mused, before sighing and pulling out his sword. "Let's get this over with," he continued, before walking up to the steak-shaped door and kicking it down.
Miss Parsley was sitting on a large throne carved out of a pear. Willie almost facepalmed then. The rest of the room was the same, the entire thing modeled from food, though much of it was ramen.
Definitely Naruto crossover. He thought.
"Who dares disturb me, the great, powerful, and beautiful ruler!" she clichéd.
Wow… that's really laying it on thick… Willie thought.
"Blah blah, you're under arrest, blah blah, you're manipulating the fandom, blah blah, raping canon, blah blah, are you coming quietly or do I get to kill you?"
"Why should I go with you? I am a perfect being! My sheer flawlessness absolves me of any crime I might commit; assuming such a thing is even possible! And you are an imperfect being! Though you are pretty cute… Where was I? Oh yes, superior being." Meanwhile, Willie rolled his eyes, tapped his foot impatiently and repeatedly checked his nonexistent watch.
"My beauty, sweetness, talent, and justice-full-ness shall triumph over all the icky and evil things in the Multiverse through my sheer pure purity-ness. And beauty, and kindness and talent and boyfriends and girlfriends-no one can ever accuse me of not being inclusive!- and sparkly-ish-ness-y-"
"Okay, now you're just getting ridiculous!" Willie interjected. Parsley shot a bolt of lightning at him.
"It's rude to interrupt!" she shouted. The 'powerful ruler' thing she was going for was spoiled by the fact that Willie didn't so much as blink and the tiny little fact that her aim was crap and the lightning bolt missed him by a couple of feet.
"Anyway, the point that I was getting to was that I am perfect, I can make you perfect, you should go out with me, and we should rule the Multiverse. What do you think?" She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and waited for his response. It didn't take long for her to get it because a derisive snort takes very little time to do.
"Why? I am perfect!" She shrieked. Like most Sues she was used to having every man bow to her and kiss her perfectly pedicured feet.
Willie yawned. In his opinion Maria was a lot more interesting. She at least snarked at him before she died a decently horrible death.
"Fine, if I can't have you- Actually, I don't really care. But you're annoying, so die." Parsley snapped her fingers. Seven men who were probably on steroids walked into the room, coming from the same random place that all hench-type-people come from.
"Boys," she said, "Get him."
As the seven slabs of beef and stupidity rushed at Willie, he quickly drew his sword and began shooting blasts of fire, all of which went out the second the connected with the muscles of the men
"Ha ha ha! You fool! I had my men equipped against elemental attacks, your specialty! Now you'll regret denying me and my perfection!" Parsley shrieked, causing Willie to roll his eyes.
"You know, you're the most annoying Sue I have ever faced!" he screamed, before being felled by a punch from one of the men, who curiously enough had two champagne bottles on each wrist. As Willie lay on the ground trying to get his wind back, the man stood over him, aiming all four bottles at his back.
"Now you will pay for defying my mistress. Champagne Bla-" the man began, before a long grey something shot out of nowhere and pierced his tiny brain, killing him instantly. As the other six stood, shocked, they were each hit by tiny needles, causing them to slump to the ground unconscious. As Willie got up, his eyes tightened.
"What, not happy to see your old friends?" the short, thin, gray man asked. Before you ask any questions, yes, it was Elder Toguro.
"You're fine, more or less. It's everyone else," Willie replied, before turning to lock eyes with a familiar blonde half-ninja.
"Willie."
"Roxie."
"You two really should have stayed together." Glorificus said. Yes, Glorificus a.k.a. Glory from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Screaming is allowed.
Willie and Roxie glared at each other and crossed their arms in unison.
"What are you three doing here? I can handle everything fine on my own." Willie glared at them and tensed up, knowing that if those three were here nothing good was coming.
"Boredom, the desire to kill something, oh, and the boss thinks you're doing a crappy job." Roxie said, smirking as she said the last few words.
"Hmph. I'm doing fine." Willie said, the testosterone almost hitting visibility.
"No, you're way too damn slow."
Roxie had uncrossed her arms and was lightly touching the hilt of her sword.
Willie glowered.
Roxie he could handle. Toguro he could mess up so bad the freak of nature wouldn't be bothering anyone for a while. Together he could maybe take them. But with Glory? No chance in Hell.
Glory made a small step forward and flicked her hair back sueishly. Yep, adjective now.
"Willie, it hurts me. Wounds me even. We need to get this plan moving. And it- it's just so cruel how you're not doing your job! So do your damn job so I can go home and maybe rule the universe!" Glory said, hitting Willie into a wall on the last sentence.
Willie slowly picked himself off the ground. He groaned in pain, slipping into a more defensive stance. He had forgotten how much her hits hurt. And he hadn't even seen her move... Note to self: Never mess with Hellgods unless you're reasonably sure you can rule their home dimension with an iron fist.
Nearly all the unsatisfied characters in the fandom-verse in the CCMD and he sends these three, Willie thought. For those interested, CCMD stands for Canon Characters for Multiversal Destruction. "Well, if Haku taught you well enough, those needles should wear off in around another minute. Shall we recommence with the murder?" he asked.
"No. You go take care of that idiot over there who isn't bothering to attack us while we talk. MY bloodlust is up, so we'll take care of these meatslabs over here," Elder Toguro said, and Willie blanched. If he had learned one thing from his years in the CCMD, when Elder Toguro wanted blood, best to stay out of the way.
"Okay, but if these losers defeat you three, I'm having Dimentio demote you," he said, before running off to attack Parsley. As he did so, the six doomed men got up, much to the delight of the three sadists.
"Well now, let's get started!" Roxie said, before the three began the massacre.
-EPIC-
The men immediately broke off into three two man groups, rather than rushing the three all at once like smart people would to. The first group of two immediately charged towards Elder Toguro. Big mistake.
"Salad Bar!" one of them screamed, before pulling a giant metal bar covered with vegetables out of thin air and proceeding to beat Elder Toguro to death with it. Or at least, that was the plan. What actually happened was Elder Toguro's razor sharp hands minced the bar into pieces and then tore out the guy's heart, which he then ate.
"My brother! You'll pay for that! Steak Kick!" the other man shouted, before kicking Toguro in the face with his right leg, which was covered in steak.
"Do you really think this will-huh. These things are actually amaz-" Toguro said, before his head was knocked practically off his body by a second kick, also covered in steak, but these steaks looked harder than steel.
"Hah! How do you like them apples, murderer?" the poor deluded fool asked, before Toguro's fingers stabbed him through the chest.
"You miserable sack of blood and nerves. Did you really think simply kicking me like that would do anything?" he asked, before twisting his fingers, causing the once-confident fool to scream in agony. "Oh, we're going to have so much fun."
-FIGHT-
Meanwhile, Glory was punching and kicking the two men like they weren't even there. Before they even had a chance to use their special attacks, they were on the ground, near death.
"What, done already? How not, well, glorious. But, now time to feed," she said, before bending down and sticking her fingers into the brains of the two. They suddenly began screaming like the world was ending, but soon stopped as Glory removed her fingers and licked them.
"Pity. Not much there to take. Ah well, some is better than none, right?" she asked, before pulling a makeup compact out of nowhere and touching up.
-SCENE-
"Fruit of Rainbow!" the man screamed, in what was becoming a trend, before firing seven blasts of different colored energy at Roxie, who swiftly deflected them out of the way with her sword before running forward and stabbing him in the chest. She then turned to the last man standing.
"So you're the only one left? I hope you're more of a challenge than your pathetic friends," she taunted as he brought his hands together.
"Oh, you bet. I am the most powerful, seven times more powerful than all of my comrades. Take this! Ultimate Full Course!" he exclaimed, before launching blasts of acidic champagne, tough steaks, metal bars with vegetables on them, giant mutant salmon, metal popcorn, and fruit energy blasts. The battle ended within ten seconds. Two seconds for Roxie to deflect everything, two to run up to the man, two to stab him, two for him to die, and two for her to taunt.
"Sorry, but seven times zero is still zero," she said, before cleaning her sword of unworthy blood.
-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-
"What? But how is this possible? I'm perfect!" Parsley shouted as her men died. She then shuddered for a moment, before her body vanished, revealing Willie standing behind her with a smoking golden gun in his hands.
"No, you're dead. And good riddance," he said, before picking up the golden gem-studded necklace on her throne and tossing it to Roxie. "Here, take this back to Dimentio for me, will you?"
Roxie caught it, then smirked. "Sure, but take a little gift from me too," she said, before picking up some blood and tossing it at Willie, staining his clothes bright red. He sighed.
"Fine, fine. Now go away. I need to get back to the Society and talk with Dimentio," he said, before opening a Plothole and jumping through it.
-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-
Willie snapped his phone shut and sighed. This was the last job like this he would ever do. The stress was killing him.
Willie put his phone away and glanced at his clothes. The clothes that were covered in blood. And he was standing right in the middle of the Library. Oops.
He heard footsteps and ran as fast as he could back to his room. If anyone saw the bloodstains there would be trouble. The kind of trouble that usually sent your plans to take over the Multiverse down the drain.
He got lucky and no one was in his way, though that was because he took about twenty different never-used shortcuts. Some of which almost sent him to a hell-dimension or three.
And there was that invisibility spell and the shield-spell but focusing on the secret passages and hell dimensions makes it sound cooler. Willie glanced up and down the hallway a few times before walking up to his door.
He opened the door and saw…nothing. The room was pitch black. Willie flipped the light switch, and his eyes widened. Sitting on one of the chairs in his room was a strange silhouetted figure. It was strange in the fact that there was more than enough light to fully show whoever it was. However, despite no features being visible, Willie began growling as recognition hit him.
"Hello Willie. Long time no see," the figure said, his voice calm and definitely masculine in tone. Willie's eyes flared as he drew his sword, lighting it aflame as he did so.
"What…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU BASTARD?" he screamed as he rushed towards the figure, showing every intention of cutting him down.
As Willie raced across the room, sword held high, but the mysterious figure simply sat there, unmoving and unconcerned. This only increased Willie's rage, and the flames on his sword rose higher and higher until the figure let out a sigh. In a moment the flames died and Willie was paralyzed. Willie grunted in frustration as the figure got up.
"I'm frankly insulted. Is that really any way to greet an old friend?" he asked, the shadows falling from his body like water.
"We were never friends," Willie said, looking over the figure's revealed form. Clad in shining white armor and with a long velvet cape, he looked like a Knight Templar Stu. His helmet obscured every detail of his face, and in his right hand there was a pure white sword with glistening edges. "We were only master and servant. Or should I say author and creation?" Bitterness filled every word he spoke, and the knight shook his head.
"Why do you hate me so much?" the Author asked. "I gave you your life, your purpose, your-"
"You gave me a one-way ticket to Hell! Why would you make me sell my soul, you heartless ass!" Willie shouted, attempting to relight his sword. "I was your first successful character, why the hell would you do that to me!"
"Power, of course. I needed a powerful character, but all my other attempts were just Self-Insert Stus. In order to make a powerful character, I needed an evil one. Less chance for Stuishness. Of course, that didn't go all that well... Anyway, that's where you came in," he said, his voice carrying about as much emotion as the paint on Willie's wall. "You were my finest work. And for once I was actually tempted to give you my actual name instead of messing with the spelling."
"Please, Willie looks way cooler. Moving on, why are you here? I have nothing to connect me to you." Willie glared, which was about as much as he could do.
"To warn you. Just because you hate me doesn't mean I want you to suffer and die horribly. Dimentio is completely and utterly insane. He will betray you to get what he wants, and not even I am going to be able to save you. " The author lightly brushed an imaginary piece of dust off of his armor.
"Not that you'd want to. You say I'm your finest work, but you only come now, when we've almost won. Why don't you go on home polish that armor more, my bangs look a bit blurry."
"Willie, be serious. What do you gain from the destruction of the Multiverse?"
"Get lost."
"You don't even know why you're fighting, do you?"
"I said get lost."
"Oh, stop it. Now come with me. I can help ."
"Erase me, you mean. No thanks, I'm staying here."
"Fine, be an idiot if you want. Goodbye, I doubt we'll be seeing each other again." And with that Willy turned and walked towards the back of the room. Suddenly, Willie felt his arms loosen, letting him to move again. Within seconds, he had rushed over to his creator and slammed his sword into the helmet, knocking it clean off.
"You son of a bitch. You say I'm your finest work and you don't think I'm good enough to even..." Willie sighed, the noise somewhere between frustrated and furious, looking at the empty space the helmet had occupied moments before.
"Why are you surprised? You betrayed me, why would you ever be good enough for that?" The voice boomed out of the empty armor, which turned, picked up the helmet and resumed walking. "Oh, one last word of advice. All Hell's going to break loose here pretty soon, so you'd best be ready," The Author said, before vanishing into the only unlit corner of the room, leaving Willie with nothing but his thoughts.
-htpedlautcaesirprus -
Later, Willie was roused from his thoughts by an insistent knocking on his door. Willie pushed himself off his bed and opened the door just a crack.
"Tash, what do you want? I'm kinda busy." Willie said, obviously tired and irritated. Tash sighed.
"Sorry to disturb you, your highness, but you're the only one who knows the Pygmalio fandom."
"Pygmalio? Seriously? Wow, I thought that fandom would be safe from Sues and Stus. It's ancient."
"Exactly. You're the only one who's even heard of it. Well, besides Aster, but she's in one of her manga reading trances." Willie sighed.
"Fine, fine, I'll go." And with that Willie slammed the door shut and opened a plothole. He was so distracted he barely remembered to grab his D-Pistol.
-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-
The Kingdom of Rune and the many lands beyond were finally free of the terror of Medusa. As Queen Galaeta walked the halls of the palace again, she often came across her son, Kurt and his soon-to-be bride, Olea Beautiful Shining Yagami. The two had met on Kurt's travels to defeat Medusa, and had bonded in a matter of moments. After learning of his quest, she instantly decided to join him, despite her young age of twelve. With her help, Medusa fell in a matter of weeks, and the two returned to his home to prepare for the wedding.
-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-
As the sun shone brightly on a field of flowers, Willie walked out of the swiftly vanishing Plothole and looked around, frowning at the utter purity of that location.
"Oh my god. There's too much color here. I need to find this Sue before my brain melts." With that, Willie quickly looked around the area, smirking when he saw a figure crouching down about ten feet away, somehow not noticing him.
Olea hummed quietly to herself and picked another perfect daisy for her growing bouquet. Willie rolled his eyes at the complete clichéness of the scene and drew his sword.
Olea heard the noise, of course, after all, Willie doesn't a subtle bone in his body and we love him for it. She slowly looked up at him calmly, and maybe a little sadly. She stood up and brushed the grass and dust from the front of her flowing white dress of pure pureness.
"Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you." she said politely as she pulled a lily from her bouquet and offered it to the double agent. Willie raised an eyebrow but actually took the flower.
"I'm here to arrest you in the name of the society I'm betraying mostly for the heck of it. Please don't surrender. I like having an excuse to murder you. Not that I actually need one, of course, but it means the readers might end up liking me more." He said, grinning psychotically.
Olea gave him a 'what are you on' look but quickly erased the expression, returning to complete serenity. She turned to walk down the path that was line with ladybugs and butterflies and cute little honeybees and other such meadowy cliché 'good will towards all' showing insects.
She beckoned to Willie to follow her. He did, but he was pouting, crossing his arms, and generally acting rather childish because she wasn't getting scared or trying to fight him.
"I've been wondering when someone would come for me..." Olea sighed sadly and got up, needlessly brushing off the front of her pristine white gown.
"Huh, you're the first one to actually know what's going on. I should really kill you now..."
"But you won't." She said, straightening up further and lifting her pure white dress a bit so it wouldn't get dirty.
"And how do you know that?" Willie asked, crossing his arms and scowling.
"Because you haven't killed me yet." she said, smiling slightly.
They walked in silence for a few minutes, Willie getting more and more bored and getting closer and closer to just murdering her for fun. Finally, just before he overcame the strange compulsion to not murder her (let's call it empathy) Olea broke the silence.
"Willie. Do you know why I have this artifact?"
"No... I never I asked..." Willie frowned and glared at something in the distance. "That's weird... Why did I never ask...?"
The Sue gave him a sad and thoughtful look. Mostly just sad.
"After Rama ascended to Heaven, he sealed all of the artifacts away, all over the Multiverse. They stayed in their hiding places for a long time, until one of the Lieutenants unearthed them, one by one. After she did they would enter the bodies of Sues who matched their traits. When the host died, and if nothing interfered, the artifact would move on to another Sue. Lather, rinse, repeat. And until recently, no one realized it." she explained.
"Dimentio eventually put two and two together and decided to use their powers to destroy the Multiverse, because he is absolutely insane and loves chaos beyond all any form of reason." Olea took a deep breath
"Willie, I need you to kill me."
"What," Willie shouted, "Are you insane! Why would you want me to kill you?"
"Yes. Say you left, Dimentio would send someone else. That someone would probably enjoy ripping me into tiny pieces and then tap dancing on the bloody stain that used to be me." Olea said matter of factly.
"Good point... But are you sure? Do you really want to die?" Willie asked, looking confused and torn.
"Yes, I'm quite sure. Every day, every second..." she sighed heavily "So painful... So heavy... I'm tired... Just so tired... Willie, I don't want to pass horribly and painfully."
"Alright..." Willie pressed the golden pistol to her temple, took a deep breath, and fired. Olea's blood covered his clothing. And for once Willie was not happy with the sight.
As Olea's body hit the ground, it quickly dissolved into motes of light, leaving behind only a golden ring. The four gems upon it glowed in the sunlight, one brown, one green, one red and one blue. Willie bent down to pick it up, but before he could, a familiar gloved hand picked it up.
"Ah, now the fourth artifact is finally ours. Victory is near, like an air vent for Marilyn Monroe!" Dimentio exclaimed, bouncing the ring up and down on his palm.
"I swear your analogies get weirder and weirder every day," Willie responded, shaking his head. He then sighed, making Dimentio turn his attention back towards him.
"What's wrong, Willie? Shaken by the prospect of ultimate power? It happens to everyone, I assure you, but it will pass."
"No, it's not that. It's just that…I don't know. For some reason, this time felt different. She actually understood about the artifacts and she…she wanted to die."
"Then why feel bad? She wanted it, you were just giving her what she desired. I'm sure she is happy in the next world."
"I suppose you're right. Are you going back now?"
"No, I think I'll stay a bit longer and make sure that the world is purged of her influence. Run along now."
"Alright." With that, Willie opened a Plothole and walked through it, leaving Dimentio entirely alone in the field.
The second the Plothole closed, Dimentio's smile turned into a frown.
"Should have known this would happen eventually. It's painful, but nothing you couldn't expect," he said. He folded his fingers around the ring, feeling its cool weight settle in the hollow of his palm. With a sigh of contentment, he snapped the fingers on his other hand.
He almost staggered as his weight balance changed, the Sword, Bracelet and Necklace of Rama appearing at his waist, around his right wrist and around his neck respectively. He then slid the Ring of Rama onto his right index finger, and smiled.
"All the power in the Multiverse will be at my disposal soon enough. All I need is one little bracelet, and the worlds are mine. However, I will need to give serious thought to eliminating Willie as soon as he claims the final one. If he begins to emphasize with the Sues, he will become a liability. I will not have anyone taint my plans, least of all a gothic little brat like him."
Dimentio then turned on his heel and vanished from the world, leaving nothing but a dead patch of flowers to show that he had been there at all.
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