Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Few, The Proud, The Plastic

Oh, you'll meet lots of new friends and you're sure to get paid.
We'll show you the world and we'll teach you a trade. It's
not a job, it's an adventure, Oh yes sir I got that,
ahh but you never told me I'd get my ass shot at.
~The Ballad of Balad by Toby Keith Feat. the Hogliners

Private Industry pulled the pin on his flash grenade as he leapt just beyond Shirley's effective range.

"Shield your eyes!" He shouted to the other LPGB members as he threw the grenade, which was pointless since the LPGB's eyes were made of green paint.

Shirley leapt forward and swallowed the flashbang whole, there was a loud pop and light burst out from between Shirley's teeth.

"The flash was good, but it could have used a little more bang..." she commented, tearing up a piece of floorboard to block and smash a battalion of LPGB flamethrowers.

Shirley was getting irritated with these things, for months they had been nothing more then convenient snacks scattered throughout the Library, then as their numbers grew and their weapons evolved they became outlets for amusing little hunts. A month after that they became annoying as they began to use wood glue to hinder her mobility, but this was the first time they had actually sought her out and attacked her without provocation, she would have to deal them a heavy blow if she was to remain the dominant one in her relationship with the LPGB, which she admitted was a fun prospect.

"Industry! Take control of the predator!" Captain Crunch said, firing a burst from his M-16.

Private Industry pulled out a laptop and began operating the targeting mechanism for the unmanned aircraft that was flying around the room, after locking on to Shirley's position Industry launched the predator's AGM and began guiding it towards it's target.

"Missile inbound!" shouted Major Detail as he fired a rifle grenade at Shirley, the weapon exploded uselessly on her back.

Shirley looked up just in time to see the missiles strike, sending up a cloud of smoke in a six foot radius in every direction.

"Way to go men! We got her that time!" General Idea shouted, only to see one of two halves foot soldiers fly through the air past him.

"What! How can she still be combat effective! That air-strike should have reduced her into a brush pile!"

"Incoming!" Captain Crunch shouted, opening fire with an RPD as Shirley emerged from the smoke.

"You're fighting outside your weight class, General!" Shirley shouted, swatting aside battalion after battalion of soldiers.

"Gentlemen, we have no choice, prepare the 'Fat Lady Sings' anti-cliche stick missile!" General Idea shouted.

"But sir! The FLS hasn't been fully tested!" One of the foot soldiers objected.

"It's gonna get tested now! Now make it happen!" Idea insisted.

From the rear of the room a coffee table sized missle platform smashed through the door, carrying a similar sized warhead.

"What the heck is going on here!" Jared yelled, bursting in the room. "I'm getting reports from every single one of our leaders saying you guys are demolishing a room!"

"We are currently mounting an offensive against our deadliest enemy, the room is just a casualty of war!" Idea responded.

"I don't think Tash would feel the same way..." Jared remarked.

About that same time, Ben came in through the other door.

"Hey Jared, what the heck is going on here? You can here the noise all the way over in the monitor room!" Ben shouted over the LPGB weapons fire.

"Your muse and my army are going at it, their conflict appears to be escalating." Jared shouted, frantically trying to restock a bookshelf that had been knocked over.

"I'll say, have you noticed the sparking rocket over there?" Ben asked.

"Oh no! You had better put these on, and don't look directly into the explosion for the first ten seconds." Jared said, frantically handing Ben a pair of sunglasses and putting on a pair of his own.

"Gentlemen! Twenty seconds until we get to see the rocket's red glare! Fall back!" General Idea shouted as the LPGB blew the cover off a vent and began retreating.

"No thanks Jared, I'll be alright, I'm used to throwing nukes around rememb-"

Ben was interrupted by the sound of 'the Fat Lady Sings' rockets firing, Shirley stood her ground as the missile hurled itself through the air.

"Don't say I didn't warn you..." Jared said, putting on his glasses and kneeling in the corner with his hands over his head.


"GOOOD HEAVENS WHAT WAS THAT THING AND WHY HAS EVERYTHING GONE WHITE!" Ben shouted on his backside at the opposite side of the room he had been standing!

"You call that a missile! I'll show you a missile!" A furious and smoking Shirley shouted, storming into the vent after the retreating LPGB.


"Well, as far as I can tell Ben has been both blinded and deafened from the blast, but thankfully that will wear off after a couple of days..." Valerie said, stepping out of the medical ward.

"What about Jared?" Tash asked.

"Charis still hasn't figured a way to get him out of the wall yet, as far as I've been able to tell from his spastic leg movements he's all right."

"Well, he better hope Charis takes her sweet time getting him out, because he is receiving more monitor duty and sue patrol than he has had since he joined up when he gets out!" Micheal remarked.

"Who said that and where am I!" Ben shouted from his bed in the corner.

"Hey guys, we have a problem!" Chloe said, coming into the room.

"We've got blond-wearing-blue-jumpsuits-identi-sues in the Army Men fandom!"

"Great, you feeling up to it Chloe?" Tash asked.

"A little too up I'm afraid, the characters in this fandom are an inch tall, if we send just any agent in they are going to do unspeakable damage to the fandom on account of being too large!"

"Well then, we have a problem... unless we have a shrink ray somewhere around here." Micheal responded.

"Well, there is a group in this Library that might be up to the job..." Chloe suggested.

"Who are you talking about, none of our agents are..." realization suddenly dawned on Tash's face.

"You aren't seriously suggesting... not after all the damage..."

"They have the best chance of getting the Sue you have to admit." Micheal chipped in.


"Gentlemen! I've just received orders from President Wasson, we are shipping out and opening up a new front in the Army Men fandom!" General Idea announced in front of the gathering of LPGB soldiers, minus those injured by Shirley occupying the med ward at the back of the lab. "Are their any questions?"

"What are the rules of engagement sir!" Asked one of the soldiers.

"We are to storm the enemy facility, wipe out all the sue-energy constructs and take the big bad as a POW before returning to base, green soldiers are friendly. All others are hostile. Now move out!"


A dozen miniaturized Sue Constructs began pacing the base that was serving as Tan forward command on the maple street, since the sues arrival they had been able to launch multiple successful offenses against the green army, forcing the miniture soldiers farther and farther down the street. At the rate the army was progressing, they were expecting a surrender within the week.

"Number 33 and 1/3, we have a problem!" said one of the constructs.

"Yes Number 24 over 2?" responded the constructs.

"We have multiple plotholes opening behind Green enemy lines, it appears the society is on to us."

"That isn't possible! They don't have any agents that can function in this fandom!" The Sue objected.

"They aren't sending any agents! It's the LPGB!"

"That isn't good, there weaponry could give the Green the edge they need to start winning this war, activate the Sue Storm device! Let's see if we can't attract some kind of assistance!"


LPGB Cobras and Apaches began pouring out of plotholes, souring over the ranks of the Green army, it wasn't long before their radio started receiving transmissions.

"Unidentified aircraft! State your intentions!" Crackled over the loud speaker.

"This is General Idea of the Little Plastic Green Beret, we have been authorized to provide air support for your men! Please allow us to pass through your air space."

"Access granted, you have my permission to use any of the resources of the green army to reduce the Tans back to puddles of molton goop!"

"Sir, we are approaching No Man's Land!" Announced the pilot.

General Idea picked the radio back up.

"All hands, arm all weapons, we are penetrating the enemy's defenses and going for their forward command post! Now Industry, get on that MK-19!"

Author's note: An MK-19 is a type of mounted grenade launcher.

"Tan AA batteries on top of the parked car!" Shouted the pilot, maneuvering just in time to avoid the anti aircraft fire, but the helicopter behind them was not so lucky.

"The Blackhawk is hit! I repeat, we have a Blackhawk down!" Industry declared.

General Idea shuddered, "Let's all be thankful Shirley isn't here..." He said solemnly as the Cobra's Gatling gun began shredding apart the Tan AA operators plastic bodies.


Tan soldiers began converging on the wreckage of the Blackhawk helicopter, Major Idea and Commander Follower began digging their way out of the wreckage, Major Detail felt around for ammo for his M-16, Follower had to make due with his pump action SPAS-12.

"This is Blackhawk 5, we have been shot down behind enemy lines, pilot and two infantry men are dead, we have hostile closing in on our position, please advise!" Follower spoke into his radio.

"This is General Idea, it is too hot for us to land in your position, we will not be able to extract you, your best option is to gather what you can and head back towards Green territory..."

"Roger, we will keep in touch, over and out..."


"Enemy tank! Evasive maneuvers!" General Idea shouted, grabbing the controls from the pilot and pulling up aggressively.

Outside the helicopter, an artillery shell from the Tan tank whizzed by the chopper, narrowly avoiding the fuselage.

"Industry!" Idea shouted, as the pilot fought to keep the helicopter under control.

"I got him!" Industry said before opening fire on the tank with the MK 19.

"Pilot! Set down by that barbecue grill, we'll proceed on foot from here!" Idea ordered.

"Aye sir!" The pilot replied, throwing the helicopter into a tailspin.

"Hang on, it's gonna be a rough landing!" Colonel O'Korn called out over the sound of stray bullets hitting the chopper.


"Адмирал! Мы обнаружения уникальных чтении энергии в "Army Men" франшиза!" The leader of the Little Plastic Spetsnaz called out.

"I don't see how unique lawn chairs in the Army Man fandom concern us in any way..." Deraj muttered with his nose in a copy of a Russian for Dummies book.

"No sir, what I meant to say was that we have detected the Sue Storm device." The leader replied.

"Well then what are you waiting for, get your men ready and deploy immediately!" Deraj said, pouring a large container of molten red plastic into molds containing motor servers and indo-skeletons.

"Right away sir! Все докладе Спецназ на службу! Мы движемся в течение часа!" The leader shouted to his subordinates.


"How Much farther to Green lines?" Follower asked, reloading his SPAS 12 behind the right front tire of a parked car.

"About one block, we might be able to make it if we stay near the curb..." Major Detail whispered, watching a battalion of Tan try to cross No Man's land, only to be obliterated by a Green MG.

"C'mon, lets go!" Follower said, pumping the SPAS.

The two LPGB officers began running along the curb, when they suddenly became aware of a plothole opening up inside a storm drain.

"Commies!" Detail shouted, drawing his M-16 and firing into the storm drain.

"уничтожить капиталистов во славу матери России!" The Spetsnaz leader shouted, raising an AK-47 and burst firing at the two LPGBs.

Commander Follower let out a yell as the bullets tore through his leg.

"I'm hit!" He yelled, as the leg snapped off at the hip, exposing the metal support rods on the inside.

"This is Sarge, leader of the Green Army, may we be of assistance?" Came a voice from Detail's radio as the soldier dragged his injured comrade to cover.

"Absolutely!" Follower shouted, ejecting a round from his SPAS and loading an unusual looking shell.

"What's that? It doesn't look like standard issue?" Detail asked.

Follower pulled the trigger, a burst of flame shot out of the end of the barrel of the gun, colliding with and melting a group of Spetsnaz unfortunate enough to have pursued the LPGB around the car they were taking shelter behind.

"That's because the Admiral didn't design it and doesn't know about it, it's called the Dragon's Breath. It's a special type of shotgun round that can allows the gun to function as a short range flamethrower. I had the engineers at the Anti-Shirley Glue Trooper division headquarters work it up..." Follower said, "But it's too dangerous to use continuously, it can warp the barrel of the gun after extended use, and a couple of our test subjects held the gun too close and melted from the excess heat." He concluded just as the stream of flame began to wane.

"You shouldn't have done that..." A deformed, partially melted LPS soldier on the edge of the burst said as he limped towards the group.

Detail raised his M-16 and pulled the trigger, he was answered with a dull click.

"Dang, I'm out of ammo!"

"My guns too hot, I can't risk another dragon's breath!" Follower shouted, fumbling for a pistol as the soldier raised his AK-47.

That's when a wild RPG shell exploded, blowing the soldier into a multitude of plastic bits.

"It's the Green army!" Follower shouted, helping himself to an LPS AK-47 while tossing Detail the SPAS 12.


"Incoming Spetsnaz forces!" General Idea shouted, picking up a Dragnov sniper rifle from the Cobra's gun rack as the Red soldiers began pouring out of plotholes around the hibachi.

"RPG!" Industry warned, as a rocket shot over the top of the cobra.

"I believe the B1 Bomber stationed at the Green airstrip is in a position to be of assistance, may I give the order to begin fueling?" Colonel O'Korn asked.

"By all means, we are grossly out numbered." Idea shouted, firing his Dragnov with reckless abandon into the swarm of Spetsnaz, not even bothering to use the scope. "And while your making phone calls, tell the pilot to refire the engines! We're getting out of hear while we still can!"

"Tank coming up the street!" Private Industry shouted, right before a rocket fire blew the Cobra in half.

"O'Korn! Get some C4 on the front stands on the grill, we need more cover! I'll send up a smokescreen!" General Idea shouted, tossing a smoke grenade.

Colonel O'Korn dashed over to the first leg of the grill, placed the charge and began running towards the second, only to be confronted by a Spetsnaz soldier that had wandered through the smoke.

"They don't call it plastic explosive for nothing!" O'Korn said, assaulting the LPS in the face with the butt of his rifle and attaching the charge to his chest.

O'Korn delivered a final kick which caused the Spetsnaz to fall next to the other stand on the grill.

"Kaboom!" O'Korn said, detonating the charges, the legs of the grill were blown off and with no support on the front the whole structure fell into the ranks of the LPS, crushing the ones leading the charge and spilling hot charcoal and burnt hamburgers into the rear.


The Green Armies advance was swift and brutal, Cutting through tan and Spetsnaz alike, enforced with the advanced weapons and training of the LPGB Anti-Shirley Shock Troopers that had been held in reserve until the final push into tan lines.

"Keep it up men, at this rate we'll be knocking on General Plastro's door in no time!" Sarge yelled.

"Ye-haw! Keep it up men, let's show this Tannies how we do it in the LPGB!" Major Pain of the Anti-Shirley Special Engagement Tropper division shouted, firing his minigun into the ranks of the Tan. The gun was designed for attaching large amounts of glue to a tree foot stick, as such the glue rounds went straight through the tan foot soldiers and attached plastic bits to the soldiers behind them.

"Those A.S.S.E.T. guys really freak me out sometimes..." Major Detail whispered to Commander Follower as he reloaded his SPAS 12.

"You'd be a little crazy too if your sole reason to live is to hunt murderous sticks of wood which you have little hope of ever overcoming..." Follower answered.

The army advanced like a tsunami, crushing every defense in it's wake.

"This is way too easy... weren't the Green's close to defeat when we got here?" Detail asked.

"Hey you're right, somethings not right..."


Idea, Industry, and O'Korn fired around the cover that the grill provided, finding it harder and harder to remain active as the Spetsnaz grew closer and closer.

"I can't get through to the bomber pilot, he's not answering his radio!"

"I ordered him to be standing by for immediate deployment! Why is he not at his post!" Idea ranted, as a stray bullet ripped his helmet off, "We need air support right now!"

"General Idea, this is Cobra 2-7 of the Green Army, we are reading you loud and clear, stand bye for extraction!"

"Thank goodness, it was getting a little too hot for us!"


Detail looked around, the Tan compound was now insight, but both he, Follower and Pain were feeling very uneasy about the ease of the attack.

Major Pain looked around, his keen eyes scanning the field of battle, he noticed almost every Green soldier was wielding an AK-47, which was quite unusual, then it hit him.

He and several members of the A.S.S.E.T. ran up to Follower and Detail and made a hurried whisper.

"What did the Nazis do at the Battle of the Bulge..."

Both LPGB officers sat bolt upright, raising there weapons.

"Ну, шевелитесь! Садись! Мы послали четкий сигнал с этим нападением, Макаров..." One of Sarge's supposed aids whispered.

"Это сообщение не ..." Sarge's impostor said, pulling out an M9 and firing into the back of the nearest A.S.S.E.T.'s head.

"Теперь это сообщение!"

The remaining A.S.S.E.T.s opened fire with their miniguns as Detail and Follower dove for cover.

"Idea! The Green Army are Spetsnaz in disguise! Do not trust them!" Detail shouted into his radio, only to get static in return as General Idea climbed up the landing ramp of the stolen Green helicopter 2 blocks away.

"Dang it! What can we do now!" Detail shouted over the sound of the A.S.S.E.T.'s miniguns.

"Call the Anti-Shirley Experimental Weapon Research and Design Station. They've got to deploy the Weapon if we are going to win this battle!"

"Are you crazy! That thing hasn't been field tested yet, and if we use it then we won't have another to use on Shirley!"

"Well, if we get gunned down by Commies, we won't have another one of us to use on Shirley either soldier. So are you gonna make that call or am I gonna have to come over their and rip that radio out of yours hands!"

"Very well, This is Major Detail calling the Anti-Shirley Experimental Weapon Research and Design Station, prepare the Weapon of Minute Destruction!"


Somewhere in a bunker far below a nondescript bookshelf in an undisclosed room in the Library, an LPGB telegraph officer sat in a dimly lit corner office as the telegraph machine punched out a coded message, the officer picked up the message and carried it over to his secretary, who then took it over to the translation department for decoding. The secretary their then took it over to the authentication department for confirmation, and that secretary took it to the secretary of the command station in the second floor of the bunker, who brought it in to the commanding officer, General Incharge.

"Are you sure this is accurate?" Incharge asked the secretary.

"Yes it is, we verified the fandom, coordinates and command codes twice before we did it again for third time," said the secretary.

"Very well, it was difficult to say the least to collect enough uranium to construct the mini-warhead, and I was hoping to use it on Shirley. But if we must use it, we will mobilize immediately!'


Alarms and flashing lights began going off from the first floor of the bunker as the motors beneath the bookshelf began to slowly slide the bookcase aside, revealing the entrance to the bunker.

It was unfortunate for Tyler that he chose that moment to enter the room, as mounted turrets hidden between books began firing on him.

"Ow! Ow! What gives? I was just heading for monitor duty! OW OW!" He shouted.

"You are entering restricted airspace! Leave immediately or we will be forced to fire surface to air missiles!" A voice over a loudspeaker demanded.

"Fine! I'll go through the science hall!" Tyler said, retreating from the barrage of friendly fire.

Once the Station believed that the coast was clear, the bookshelf resumed moving until the bunker was fully exposed.

The entrance began widening, exposing a B12 bomber on a runway, the aircraft began lifting off, until it faded away through a plothole. Once it was gone the bunker sealed up and the bookshelf began to move back into place.


"What is the command codes to deactivate the American Forces!" Deraj's favorite officer said, slapping General Idea across the face from where he was tied up at the back of the chopper.

"I'll never talk! You'll pay dearly for every LPGB and A.S.S.E.T. soldier you and your men have killed today soldier!" Idea shouted, attempting to spit in the Spetsnaz's face, which proved impossible without salivary glands.

"Well... we have ways of making you talk," said the soldier.

"You are aware that we LPGB can't feel pain right? The Admiral never designed pain receptors for us." Idea said flatly.

"That... complicates things to say the least, but never the less you'll give us the information."

"Actually, I no longer have the information... my computer brain automatically deleted all important information on my capture, you're really wasting your time."

"Very well... I suppose there's nothing to do but just kill the three of you," he said, drawing a Desert Eagle.

"Sir... there's something you need to see..." The pilot said in Russian.

"Not now!" The officer replied.

"Sir, it can't wait!" He shouted as the LPGB B12 tore past the chopper.

Idea smiled.

"Kaboom!" Follower shouted, as a mushroom cloud rose steadily upward from down the street, then the helicopter started spinning out of control as the concussion struck the craft.


"Did we get em?" a partially melted Major Detail crocked, crawling out of the sewer grate.

"I think so... and I think we've destroyed the Tan compound as well," said Follower.

"Yee-haw! Do you folks realize the three of us just went a nucular explosion and came out in one piece!" Pain shouted, slapping Detail on the shoulder, which had the unintended effect of removing his arm. "Sorry Detail-io, I'm sure the Admiral can fix up a nice new body for you when we get back!"

"I could sure use a new leg..." Follower commented, limping on his metal framework, then his eyes spotted a crashed green helicopter.

"The General!" Detail shouted.

The injured Detail and Follower were quickly outrun by Major Pain and the remaining and largely uninjured ASST soldiers, leaping over melted LPS infantry.

Pain got to the chopper and wrenched the door of it's hinges, finding only the three LPGB officers.

"The cowards plothole'd out before the choppers could crash, fortunately this helicopter is covered with lead based paint. It made it the perfect helicopter for flying into a nuclear explosion..." General Idea said, as Pain and the A.S.S.E.T. untied them. "Now get that B12 back here, we need it's plothole generator to get back to base..."

"And I thought we only had to worry about Ben and Doug nuking fandoms..." Tash sighed, using a magnifying glass to read General Idea's very tiny print.

"How big was the explosion anyway?" Jared asked.

"It could have leveled an entire room of the Library... you need to do a better job at policing the weapons they design without your knowledge..."

"What about the sues?" Chloe asked.

"Presumably killed in the explosion, although as simple constructs they weren't really alive to begin with," Charis said, pouring over monitor logs.

"Well, if that's all you need me for, I have to go..." Jared said, getting up.

"What for?" Chloe asked.

"Didn't you hear? Private Industry is getting promoted..."


"And for your outstanding performance, I hear by bestow upon you the rank of Major," General Idea said, handing the now Major Industry a ceremonial saber.

Idea then brought the promotion paperwork over to Jared for signing, which he did to make it all official.

"That concludes today's ceremony, dismissed!" Idea said, as the LPGB went back to their previous assignments.


"So was the experiment a success?" Asked a shadowy figure.

"Yes, the sue storm device was enough to defeat the protagonists of the series. Victory would have been complete had the LPGB not intervened... All in all a successful test." Said a blond sue construct.

"Very well, we will proceed with the final stage of the plan..." Said the shadowy figure.

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