Monday, March 14, 2011

Insert Horrendeous Chinese Scriptures Here

"Jackie," Uncle said. "This is your other niece. She will be living with us for a year."

"What?" Jackie said, wearing his usual "baffled face". "Another niece I've never heard of is coming to live with us? Why do you never tell me these things?"

"You were napping when her parents called," Uncle replied, waving a hand casually. "Did not want to disturb you. This is Jade's sister. Her parents decided that since Jade is improving so much in America, they'd send her over, too."

"Jade," Jackie said, turning to the niece he knew existed. "Why did you never tell me you had a sister?"

For once, Jade said nothing. She just stared at the other girl and shrugged.

"Well," said Tohru, Uncle's 780-pound apprentice, turning to the new girl. "What's your name?"

The girl told him.


Meanwhile, in the Speed Racer fandom, Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society was having some trouble with an old adversary: Xavier Nathaniel Zenith Peacemaker. The two of them were in the middle of a big race, and Xavier was winning easily.

"Ha!" Xavier laughed, speaking quickly with his mouth movements not in sync with the words he was saying. "My Mach 100 racecar is the fastest thing you have ever seen! I will win easily, then escape and leave you to say 'Curses, he has escaped in his Mach 100 racecar, the fastest thing I have ever seen!'! Ha, haha, haha!"

With that, Xavier Nathaniel Zenith Peacemaker shot past the finish line and out of sight.

"Curses!" Marcus said, in this fandom's manner of talking. "He has escaped in his Mach 100 racecar, the fastest thing I have ever seen!"

With that, he sighed and opened a portal back to the Library Arcanium.


Soon after returning to the Library, Marcus took out his frustration in a socially unacceptable way.

"I know what you want!" he shouted. "I always know what you want! It's always the same! You give me a short minute of pleasure followed by a long period of misery! You think you're so beautiful with your perfect form and your great additions in all the right places, but you're not! Once a man makes you a permanent part of his life, he can say good-bye to so much more! No, never again shall I give in to you, you dirty little succubus!"

"Marcus," Tash said. "Either eat your chocolate cake or don't, but please stop talking to it!"

"I don't know why you thought this would make me feel better," he muttered, pushing the plate away.

"I find that chocolate helps after a botched assignment," she told him, before grabbing the plate and digging in.

"It wasn't just 'botched'," Marcus groaned. "It was the worst I've ever done! I've chased Xavier across five fandoms, and each time I do worse!"

"Maybe you're trying too hard," Adrian suggested. "From what you told me, the plan was a little complicated."

Marcus said nothing. He just slumped his head on the table.

At that moment, Harriet burst in.

"Guys," she said. "We've got a Mary-Sue in the Jackie Chan Adventures fandom!"

"Anyone we know?" Tash inquired.

"I didn't recognize her," Harriet responded.

"Well," Tash said, standing up from the table. "Marcus, I hereby assign you this mission."

"What?" Marcus exclaimed. "Why me?"

"You and Michael are the only ones I've ever heard talking about this fandom, and Michael's still recovering," his boss replied. "Now, as your superior, I order you to go down and deal with this!"

Marcus frowned, but nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Then Tash smiled.

"Hey," she said. "While you're there, I'll take Harriet and Lauren and see what we can do for the Speed Racer fandom, okay?"


Marcus' portal dumped him in the middle of Section 13, the secret government installation in the heart of San Francisco, just as his target was getting the tour from Captain Black (Section 13's bald leader), Jackie, and Jade. He took a good look at her—she was an attractive Chinese girl, about 16, with big eyes and short purple hair.

"And this is the Research and Development area," explained Captain Black. "Got that?"

Captain Black had clearly already fallen under her spell.

"All right, girl, put 'em up!" Marcus warned.

"Harrison, stop kidding around!" Captain Black ordered, before realizing he'd never met the boy to whom he was speaking.

"Who are you?" Captain Black, Jade, Jackie, and the Sue asked.

Marcus pulled out his badge and introduced himself.

"I'm Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society," he said. "And I'm here to arrest this girl for joining a story through blood relation to a main character without prior notice or a permit!"

"That's ridiculous!" Captain Black argued. "I know every secret organization in the U.S., and I've never heard of this society!"

"Tch," Jade said. "You guys don't even know my favorite breakfast cereal!"

"Don't tell me you're actually agreeing with this lunatic!" the Sue demanded.

"I don't know," Jade said. "But something doesn't add up here…"

"Please," the Sue said. "This guy's supposed to be pursuing me, but I'll bet he doesn't even know my name!"
Marcus rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"That's… true," he admitted. "Tash threw me out without giving me a proper briefing…"

"Why, Marcus, I'm insulted!" the Sue sneered. "I can't believe you don't recognize me! I mean, sure, I've undergone a pretty drastic makeover since we last met, but you should at least remember my voice!"

That made it pretty clear to Marcus.

"Chi," he snarled.

The Sue just winked.

"People, this girl is highly dangerous!" Marcus warned. "Within a few days' time she'll disrupt the entire fandom!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but I won't let you arrest my niece that I just met!" Jackie said, polite but firm. "Get out."

"Please, Uncle Jackie," Chi said. "Let me use dangerous magical artifacts to destroy him."

"Well, normally I'd say 'no, it's too dangerous'," Jackie replied. "But for some reason I guess it's okay."

Jade just scowled at him.

Chi smiled and pulled something out from under her shirt: a necklace with twelve stone pendants, each depicting an animal of the Chinese zodiac.

"The talismans!" Marcus gasped.

"That's right!" Chi laughed. "All twelve of 'em! I've got all their powers—strength, speed, levitation, immortality… oh, and here's my favorite!"

Chi lifted her hand as the dragon talisman began to glow and fire appeared in her hand. Marcus braced himself for the explosion, but instead he heard a much more surprising noise.

"Oh, no you don't!" Jade shouted, grabbing the necklace by two talismans and pointing Chi upward to redirect the blast.

"Jade!" Jackie exclaimed. "Stop interfering with Chi destroying her enemy!"

"No way!" Jade shouted. "I don't know what's going on here, but my Uncle Jackie would never let his niece use the talismans! You're going down, sis!"

"Get off me, brat!" Chi said, throwing Jade off. Jade went flying across the room, her fists still clenched.

Marcus ran over to make sure she was okay. She had a big bruise, but was fine otherwise.

"Oh, good," Chi commented. "Now I can destroy you both with one shot!"

"You'd destroy your own 'sister'?" Marcus gasped.

"Uncle Jackie will forgive me," Chi smirked. "Nobody can stay mad at me."

Chi charged up another blast from the dragon talisman, but before she could fire, Marcus grabbed Jade, pulled out his Scene Transition, and activated it.


"You're up?" Jade exclaimed as Marcus awoke in a back alley.

Marcus flashed back and remembered the escape he and Jade had made, and that soon after, Chi had cast a powerful spell (with Uncle's full permission, of course) to put the whole fandom into an eternal sleep. Jade had evaded it by, uh, borrowing some of Uncle's ingredients to make a shield spell for herself. Chi clearly wanted to face Marcus alone.

"Yep," Marcus replied. "General spells can't affect non-canon characters."

Jade blinked.

"Okay, I have no idea what that means," she said. "But I do know that we can help each other here. Chi's got almost all the talismans—."

"Almost?" Marcus repeated.

Jade smirked and pulled two talismans out of her pockets.

"The sheep and the tiger," Marcus groaned. "Astral projection and yin-yang."

"I know they're not much," Jade sighed. "But at least she doesn't have the full set."

"She might as well," Marcus told her. "Nobody ever uses those!"

"Man, where's the optimism?" Jade pouted. "Do you think you could at least try to think of something?"
"Sorry," Marcus apologized. "After five consecutive failures, my confident side has gone into hiding."

Jade paused, then smirked.

"Here," she said, tossing him the tiger talisman. "Catch!"

Marcus caught the talisman and it split in his hand. It wasn't alone, though—Marcus split, too! On one side was a clean-shaven Marcus dressed all in blue with no clip-on shades on his glasses, while on the other side was one with a full goatee dressed in red whose sunglasses were real, not just clipped-on lenses (his eyesight wasn't perfect, though—he was wearing contacts underneath).

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" the red one shouted, his voice overflowing with emotion.

"Normally that talisman splits good and evil," Jade told him. "But I figured it could bring out your confident side, too."

"N-n-not qu-quite," the blue one stammered. "I th-think it sp-sp-split b-b-brawn and b-b-brains, r-reckl-l-lessn-ness and f-fear, a-and a f-few other th-things."

He sounded like a nervous wreck.


"We could use the demon chi!" Jade suggested excitedly. "We have all eight!"

"T-too r-risky," the blue Marcus said. "Th-they allow the d-d-demon to use your b-body if your w-w-willp-power isn't st-st-strong enough, a-and if w-we c-can th-throw it off, w-we're b-basically a G-Gary-Stu. F-face it, w-we haven't had m-much l-l-luck w-with u-using m-magical d-devices t-to f-f-fight Ch-Chi."


"Our l-lives," the blue one stuttered. "Our f-f-freedom. Our s-s-society m-membersh-ship."


For that, the blue one had nothing to say.

"GOOD!" the red one screamed. "NOW, LET'S COME UP WITH A PLAN TOGETHER!"

"J-just d-d-don't exp-pect m-me to f-f-fight," the blue one warned.


Sneaking back into Section 13 wasn't hard with everyone asleep. Jade and the Marcuses made it in easily.

"Hey, Chi," Jade shouted. "I'm back! Come and get me!"

This was Jade's part. She was a distraction so that the Marcuses could get what they needed.

"Already here," said a voice beside Jade. Suddenly, Chi appeared out of nowhere! She had used the snake talisman to become invisible!

Still, she didn't notice the Marcuses sneaking off to the vault…

In the vault the Marcuses found what they needed, just before hearing a loud explosion. Jade might very well be dead, but it wouldn't matter if this worked.

"OH, CHI," the red Marcus shouted. "I'M IN THE VAULT! COME AND GET ME!"

Chi appeared in less than two seconds thanks to the rabbit talisman and the fact that Marcus had left the vault door open.

"Oh, the tiger talisman," she observed sarcastically as she looked the two over. "Yeah, that'll help you."

"M-maybe n-not," the blue Marcus replied. "B-but th-th-this m-might!"

The red Marcus pulled something from behind his back: a red and white Japanese oni mask.

"Tarakudo's mask?" Chi exclaimed. "Are you nuts? Ten demons are contained in that! They'll consume you in an instant!" Then she paused. "Although… if you do throw them off, I'd love to have you as a partner. You're kinda cute."

"FORGET IT!" the red Marcus shouted as the blue one gave a disgusted look. "I'LL NEVER BECOME A STU!"

The red Marcus stuck the mask over his face where it held firm, now impossible to pull off.
"LET'S RUMBLE!" he shouted. His voice wasn't just emotional anymore—it was demonic.

The two fighters clashed, but though the mask granted the red Marcus great strength and slight invulnerability, the power of ten combined talismans was far too much for one fighter.


All around the room, shadows began to appear, and from them emerged warriors dressed in ninja garb—small winged ones, skinny ones with sharp clawed hands, giant sumo ones, and many more.

"GRAB HER!" the masked Marcus ordered.

The shadowkhan obeyed and attacked Chi all at once. Even with the talismans she couldn't fight them off, especially after one lucky ninja snatched the necklace clean off. Soon enough, Chi was incapacitated, which made it easy for the blue Marcus to run over and cram a Prohibitor on her wrist.

With a bright flash of light the shadowkhan disappeared, the ten talismans returned to their container, and everyone woke up. Still, the mask stayed on.

"Congratulations," Chi snarled. "You've got me. But good luck overpowering those demons' collective willpowers!" She paused, then changed her tone. "No, really, good luck! I want you on my side!"

"N-n-not a ch-chance!" the blue Marcus said. From his pocket, he withdrew a potion vial full of green liquid, which he poured on his hands. Then he grabbed his other half's mask and yanked it clean off and threw it across the room!

"Impossible!" Chi exclaimed. "How'd you get the formula for the mask removal potion?"

"Astral f-forms c-can e-enter d-d-dreams," the blue Marcus explained. "W-we used th-the sh-sh-sheep t-talisman t-to e-enter Uncle's a-and a-ask h-h-him."

"And the samurai hair needed for it?" Chi queried.

"TOHRU'S HAIRBRUSH." The red Marcus replied.

"Very clever," Chi smirked. "But there's one little flaw."

Smiling, Chi ran over to the mask and put it over her own face! Laughing, she summoned numerous shadowkhan to aid her.

"Destroy the Prohibitor!" she ordered.

A mutant shadowkhan (like a cross between a pro wrestler and a lobster) used his claw to snip the band right off, then crushed it in his giant hand.

"Now, destroy them!" the Sue ordered, pointing to her adversaries.

The shadowkhan marched in rows, blindly obeying their master.

"QUICK!" the red Marcus told his other half. "GIVE ME A BOOST!"

"W-why?" the blue half asked.

"TRUST ME!" the red one shouted. "I CAN SAVE US BOTH!"

The blue Marcus looked as nervous as ever, but he cupped his hands down low. The red Marcus jumped off of them and over to Chi, then pulled a Copyright out of his pocket and jammed it on the mask. The shadowkhan disappeared and the mask fell to the floor, useless.

Chi glared, but said nothing. Instead, she just conjured a plothole and disappeared through it.

Their target gone, the two Marcuses sighed and put the halves of the tiger talisman they'd been holding back together, uniting the talisman and themselves. Sighing, he put the sheep talisman back, then lingered on the tiger.

Then he got an idea.


"Sorry to hear about that," Tash said after Marcus gave her his report. "Xavier escaped, too, but we managed to clean up the fandom."

"It's not that bad," Marcus said with a smile. "I'll get the next one, probably, and now I've got a new way of thinking."

"What do you mean?" Tash inquired.

Marcus smirked and showed her his new necklace, with two strings holding opposite sides of a very familiar pendant.

"You kept a canon object?" Tash shouted.

"No, no," Marcus reassured. "The real one is back there. This is an exact duplicate with the same powers. This way, I won't lose balance like before. And… I'll never be lonely."

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