Sunday, January 16, 2011

Insert Innacurate Historical Reference Here

Several weeks had gone by since Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third showed up as a transfer student to Kagome's school, befriended the girl, and began walking her home on a regular basis. Her own home - a mansion, since her tragically negligent adoptive father was the new British ambassador to Japan - was conveniently located only a few blocks past the shrine. The man had opted for this job in order to get away from their old home where his wife had been mysteriously murdered and Willowe's rebellious, sequel-fodder younger sisters had vanished only months earlier, but that was besides the point.

During this time, Willowe had successfully turned Hojo's attention away from Kagome (this was how they made friends), felt a "mysterious calling" coming from the direction of the Goshinboku, and fell down a plothole into the Sengoku Jidai. It was soon discovered that Willowe could see Shikon Jewel shards, though she could not use the Well to get back to her own time. So, since she was currently trapped in this era with no way home, Willowe bravely decided to make the best of her situation, honing her newly-found priestess powers with Lady Kaede.

This entire sequence of events only took a few days, despite the fact that the poor readers felt like it took a few years.

She was currently traveling with the Inu-tachi, on the trail of another Jewel shard. Miroku was asking Willowe to bear his child for about the twentieth time when suddenly she stopped in her tracks, her luxurious ankle-length auburn hair swishing slightly and her stunning yet piercingly intense violet eyes wide.

"What is it, Willowe?" asked Miroku, disappointed that he didn't get to ask his trademark question yet again.

Willowe shuddered dramatically, goosebumps rising on her flawless alabaster skin. "I sense something... powerful... coming this way!"

Sango, who was in the middle of pounding her love interest on the head yet again, asked, "Can you tell from which direction?"

Before Willowe could answer, a great wind passed just over the group, causing her luxurious ankle-length auburn locks to rise and fall with the wind in the most beautiful fashion. When the wind fell, out from the trees came...

"Sesshomaru?" everyone asked incredulously and simultaneously.

"Indeed," said the taiyoukai, "I am here because Willowe's great beauty and purity has entranced me, and I have come to make her Lady of the West because I am irrevokably in love with her."

Somehow, this statement surprised no one, especially those familiar with Mary-Sue stories. However, Inuyasha felt compelled to at least ask, "But how can you be in love with a human? I thought you hated them."

"Yes, well, that's for me to know, isn't it?" Sesshomaru responded, sounding annoyed. "If you must know, her purity and tragic past won me over. Now, Willowe, will you be my mate?"

Before the unspeakably beautiful girl could answer, Inuyasha's ears perked up adorably, and he growled at the scent of another being stalking out from amongst the trees. This man was not nearly as handsome as Sesshomaru, as cute as Miroku, or as rugged as Inuyasha, but rather bore a look of untamed malevolence. This, plus tentacles extending from his back, was a dead giveaway.

"No!" Naraku shouted in a frustrated and completely out-of-character fashion, "I refuse to let this start again! Every time a Mary-Sue is introduced, I am always shunted off to the side! I'm the main villain, dammit! The Final Boss! You people can't just toss me aside!"

Sesshomaru, who had retained enough of his canon personality to be bored by this outburst, casually examined his claws and said, "Your point being?"

"My point," the evil hanyou spat, "is that I am tired of authors using Mary-Sues to ignore character and plot development!"

"We couldn't agree more, Naraku!"

Everyone turned in the direction the new voice came from - that is, all except for Willowe, who suddenly looked annoyed.

Five women stood side by side in the clearing ahead. The tallest of them had wavey blonde hair and a button nose, and bore a look that suggested she found the whole situation incredibly amusing. Only a few inches shorter than her was a brunette with a confident smile. To either side of them stood a shorter girl with darker blonde hair and an impossibly slim redhead. On the second blonde's opposide side was a heavyset girl with cropped, dark brown hair and enormous brown eyes. All of them wore matching t-shirts bearing a group of women chasing a particularly gorgeous woman with torches and pitchforks.

"It's a good thing we're in a forest," Willowe remarked casually, examining her perfectly manicured nails, "otherwise these introduction scenes would be really hard to write."

"Shut it, Sue!" the shorter blonde said harshly. "We're with the Anti-Chiche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, and we're here to stop you once and for all!"

The taller blonde giggled a bit. "You tell 'em, Stacey!"

"Really," Willowe sighed, "this is getting old. If I may ask though, where are Tash and the rest? I thought they made up the Anti-whatever-it-is society."

At that, the shortest brunette snickered, and the redhead and tall blonde both rolled their eyes. The taller brunette spoke up. "They all got caught up in shameless romantic fantasies - one of the risks of being self-inserts, I guess. Anyway, I'm Valerie. With me are Monika..." she indicated the tall blonde, who waved, "...Terrie..." the short brunette struck a pose, "...Stacey..." the darker blonde smiled cutely, "...and Danielle," the redhead bowed and rose up with a mock salute. "We're the new deputies to the Society while its leaders are, uh... busy," Valerie concluded with a shy grin.

"And now that introductions are out of the way," Danielle said impatiently, rushing forward to grab the stunned (but still somehow retaining her beauty and grace) Mary-Sue, "Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third, you are under arrest!"

Stacey grinned as her redheaded friend expertly pulled Willowe into a half-Nelson, and walked over to help her restrain the Sue. "Oh, come on," said Willowe, "We all know how this is going to end. You're going to think you caught me, and then you'll get distracted or something, and I'll get away to invade another fandom. That's how it always works."

"Not this time," said Monika with a triumphant grin.

Valerie nodded in agreement. "We won't be pulled into that black hole. We made a committment early on that we would never - Terrie!"

The shortest of the bunch was unable to answer her friend's outraged cry, as she was currently engaged in a passionate embrace with none other than Naraku. When they broke apart, Terrie grinned impishly at her friends. "What?" she said, "I've always wanted to do that!"

Monika sighed and shook her head, and Valerie continued to stare in shock. "Terrie, you swore!"

Terrie gave the group a look. "C'mon. You guys know me. Did you honestly think I wouldn't, if given the chance?"

In what seemed like a far-off corner of the scene, the hitherto forgotten Inuyasha cast look at each other in confusion. "I'm confused," Inuyasha said bluntly.

"You're always confused," muttered Shippo, who received a sizable lump on the head for his efforts.

Stacey, who had been trying her best not to stare at Inuyasha's positively adorable puppy ears, simply couldn't hold up anymore. Releasing her hold on Willowe, she trotted over to where the hanyou stood, blushed furiously, and reached up to tenatively rub his velvety soft ears. Inuyasha, surprisingly (or perhaps conveniently), allowed it, refraining from his usual volley of curses.

Kagome sighed. "Come on, Sango," she said. "Let's get out of here. The boys'll go back to normal once the self-inserts are gone. Honestly, they seem to cause more trouble than they prevent!"

Miroku, who had until now been lost in his own hentai thoughts at the sight of so many women in one place, shook his head as if to clear it, then purposefully strode over Danielle, who was struggling with keeping the Sue captive on her own. He took her hands into his own and looked deep into her clear, blue-grey eyes. "Will you bear my child?" he asked her in a deep, passionate voice.

Somehow this statement seemed like the most normal event of the day thus far.

Danielle looked into his dark violet eyes, hesitated, then gave in. "No," she said, "but we can do other things."

Miroku's face lit up with a boyish grin. "Good enough for me!" The pair smirked at each other and walked off-screen.

Valerie and Monika looked hopelessly at each other. Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third had long since gotten away, just as she had predicted. Terrie and Naraku were snogging very much in public, and Naraku, who was simply happy to be included in a romance story for a change, was showing more and more skin as the kiss went on... though how he got clothes around all those tentacles no one had any idea. Stacey was currently enjoying herself with Inuyasha, who was hesitant at first, then decided to go with it, his canon personality having been shattered into fragments by exposure to a Mary-Sue. Danielle and Miroku were nowhere to be seen, though what they were up to could most definitely be guessed at. Sesshomaru stood at the center of all this, looking exceedingly put-out for not having achieved his mate (every male personality had been mangled, it seemed).

Valerie looked at the taiyoukai, then at Monika, and sighed. "You go," Valerie said, "I'll go inform the Society of yet another failed arrest."

Monika smiled at her friend. "We'll catch her someday," she said cheerfully. Then with a wink, she ran after Sesshomaru, calling, "Sesshomaru! Are you still looking for a mate?"

Meanwhile, Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurelle Dewdrop Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third looked over the now throughouly mutilated scene with a thoughtful frown crossing her perfectly alabaster brow. "Things are much less complicated in a fandom without so many girls in it," she thought to herself. Then she jumped into a plothole, off to continue on her mysterious, adventurous, perfectly Sueified quest.

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