Monday, January 10, 2011

Insert Grossly Mutilated Latin Here

The Great Hall was abuzz with chattering students as Willowe Diamond Sparkle Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Heliotrope Dewdrop Arwennia Delilah Aphrodite Bob Foxblade the Third, glided gracefully towards the Gryffindor table for lunch. Heaving a sigh from beneath her flowing Hogwarts robes, which somehow conformed to her naturally slim and beautiful figure, she deposited her stylish muggle bag on the bench, which despite being filled with the books for every subject in the school (and then some) she managed to carry around with unconscious elegance as though it were feather light.

She sat down next to Harry and gave him a glorious smile, before switching on her suitably cool lime green iPod Nano and placing the headphones into her perfectly shaped ears. Harry felt himself smile in return. He had never met anyone quite as wonderful as Willowe. It had only been a few weeks since she had mysteriously turned up at Hogwarts and been sorted into Gryffindor, but he felt as if he had known her all his life. He had told her everything about his own life and problems, and she in return had informed him that they shared a common bond – Willowe had been orphaned at a young age after her parents were killed in a freak accident on a pirate ship, orchestrated by none other than Lord Voldemort, the man who had tried (and failed many times) to kill Harry.

And so they had both sworn that they would help each other in their attempts to track down the Dark Lord, and make him pay for all the wrongs he had committed on them.

For now however, they had sixth year work to progress with. Willowe, being naturally talented and smart in every way, was taking every subject the school had to offer for N.E.W.T level, and still managed to find time to sign up for all extra curricular activities. This made her loved in the eyes of all the teachers, even Snape, who had gained an extreme amount of respect for her after Willowe had beaten him in a wizards duel in front of the rest of the Potions class. Even the Slytherins seemed to like her after discovering that her parents had been previously unknown pureblood wizards.

Willowe waved at Remus Lupin, who was seated at the staff table, having once again taken the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Sirius Black also sat at the table, being in charge of the school's security after Willowe had saved him from the veil and cleared his name in the eyes of the Ministry. Both of them waved back at her.

"It's great having them both here," Harry remarked, seeing where Willowe's attention was focused. "And it's great having you here too Willowe."

Willowe smiled, her wide violet eyes flashing with sincerity and care for her dear friend. "I am glad to be here Harry. Just knowing I can finally take my revenge on the heartless wizard who murdered my parents, and left me alone to care for my five sisters, is a joy."

At this point, the Hall doors banged open and three women, who were most definitely not students, charged in with roars of rage, brandishing wands and broomsticks. Several students screamed in fear, and ducked under the tables, thinking they were about to be attacked where they sat, but most people just looked rather confused.

"What's going on?" Harry asked, tensing with his own wand in his hand. Willowe rolled her eyes.

"It's the three authors!" she explained, rising to her feet and shaking her long auburn hair over her shoulders, where it rippled down her back in glorious waves of colour that were captured by the sunlight pouring through the enchanted ceiling. The shortest author twitched.

"Willowe…" the tallest author was panting as they pulled to a stop beside her. "This has gone far enough!"

"We've chased you over three different worlds now!" the middle author continued. "And you keep getting away!"

Willowe huffed in annoyance. "Why do you three feel the need to deprive me of my revenge? All I want is to get even with Lord Voldemort" – there was a shudder that rolled around the Great Hall – "for killing my parents and leaving my sisters to grow up without knowing who they were! Is it so wrong to want closure for the most horrific moment of my tragic life?"

Several of the students burst into tears of sympathy for the beautiful young stranger who had captured all their hearts. The three authoresses just looked disgusted.

"Someone gag me," the shortest asked.

"We don't care about your life's tragedies Foxblade," the tall author snapped, holding out her Firebolt. "Now get on the broomstick!"

"…y'know Tash," the middle author said. "If you took what you just said out of context…"

"Oh shut up Harriet!"

Sirius and Remus, who had by now overcome their shock, descended onto the Gryffindor table.

"What is going on?" Remus asked. "Who are you three?"

"We are the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society," all three of them proclaimed. "And we're here to arrest Willowe!"

As one, the three women pulled off their cloaks to reveal identical T-shirts with the name of their society and the logo splashed across the front. Sirius's eyes lingered on their chests a little longer than was strictly polite.

"Nice image," he complimented. All three authors raised their eyebrows.

"Ooooh no!" Tash said, waving her hands frantically. "We are not doing the Self Insert thing again! It always gets the better of us!"

"But being Self Inserts is the only way we can catch Mary-Sues," the shortest author pointed out.

"Lauren's right," Harriet nodded. "We should make the most of this opportunity."

And she turned to the Gryffindor table, grabbed the only person who wasn't shrinking away from her in fear (Cormac McLaggen) and jumped into his lap. The eyes of the other two authors went wide.

"Harriet if you're even thinking…" Lauren never got to finish, as Harriet had already grabbed the boy by the collar and was making out with him. Both girls groaned.

"Stop her!" Willowe shrieked at Sirius and Remus. "I'm supposed to be going on a date with Cormac tomorrow and teach him to discard his arrogance and pride!"

"Willowe!" Ron spluttered. "I thought you were going on a date with me tomorrow!"

"No! She was going out with me!" Draco Malfoy protested. "I was here first Weasel King!"

"Don't you dare interfere with Harriet's work!" Tash warned, glaring at Sirius who just stared at her.

"You're feisty," he remarked. "I like that in a woman!"

And not caring for her yelp of surprise, he swooped the author off her feet and carried her from the hall. Lauren looked a little helplessly around, before her eyes landed on Remus.

"I don't care if you're a werewolf Remus," she said, as the Defence teacher's mouth opened to protest. "And I don't care if you're poor. You're one of the bravest men alive in my opinion."

All Remus's resolve seemed to magically evaporate at the heartfelt words, and he pulled Lauren into a tight, loving hug to loud applause from the rest of the students.

Willowe left the school that evening under cover of darkness to confront Lord Voldemort, and after a long struggle, Willowe's charm and magically pure soul overwhelmed the Dark Lord so much that he snapped his wand in half and lived out the rest of his days as a tree-loving hippie. Harry Potter quickly got over the loss of his newly found friend and followed canon by dating Ginny Weasley (after his brief fling with Draco Malfoy was brought to an abrupt halt by the power of fangirls). Willowe left this world and continued on her journey, praying that she would one day find a way to eliminate such a devious and cunning group as the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society.

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