Saturday, January 22, 2011

Insert Unpronounceable Alien Species Here

Willowe Diamond Ravenne Hyacinth Aurelia Sakurella Dewdrop Hikaru Arwennia Heliotrope Delilah Aphrodite Bob Vipertooth Foxblade the Third paced the TARDIS, the heels of her boots clicking as they moved with quick, flowing steps. The Doctor shook his head in a fond manner before going back to tinkering with the controls of his beloved ship. As they began to fly to their next destination, a smile of anticipation crossed Willowe's delicate face, as she realised where they were headed next.

From beneath one of the floor panels, Captain Jack Harkness watched Willowe pace, his eyes turning soft as he gazed at the beautiful stranger. It seemed like only yesterday she had been discovered hiding on planet Earth from the Daleks, who wanted her dead because of her previously unknown ability to arouse the most powerful emotions in the hearts of any human. It was no surprise therefore that Jack was completely besotted with her, and even the Doctor had not hesitated to invite her onto his ship.

The length of time was meaningless to the poor readers however, who by now felt like getting on their knees and praying for the end of the universe.

Willowe seemed to feel the eyes of the handsome captain on her, and she turned and crouched beside the open floor panel, her long thick locks of auburn hair flowing down her back, causing Jack to wish he could touch such beauty.

"When the Doctor lands the TARDIS, would you accompany me on a walk down the beach Jack?" she asked, her melodic voice tinged with hope.

"I would be delighted," Jack said in his most confident manner, despite the fact that inside he was melting with joy that the most beautiful woman he had ever seen wanted him.

"Wonderful!" Willowe said happily. "Excuse me. I must go change outfits again – this one won't do at all."

She glided gracefully away, leaving the Doctor and Jack alone in the main room.

"Have you told her?" Jack asked the good looking Timelord.

"No," the Doctor shook his head. "She must not know that she's really the last Timelord besides myself in existance. She's clearly used to living as a human, and that amount of information could kill her."

Jack looked horrified at the very thought.

"She must never know," the Doctor cautioned. "She's already seen too much in her life. What with her parents dying at such a young age and being left to care for her sisters with no one else to turn too. I will not add to her burdens."

Jack was about to admit the Doctor was right, when the alarm suddenly went off. Puzzled, Jack jumped out of the hole in the floor and the Doctor pulled one of the monitors around to see what the problem was.

"What?" he asked, upon reading the screen. "What?"

"Teleport breach?" Jack questioned. "Where?"

There was a sudden warp in the wall behind them, and a plothole opened, spitting out three girls onto the floor in a disheveled tangle of limbs.


"BETH! That's my foot!"

"Well that's my stomach Kate!"

At this point, Willowe reappeared, dressed in tight skinny jeans that accentuated slim but powerful-looking legs, and black knee high boots. Finishing off was a fitted pink t-shirt. Her perfect brow creased as she saw the three new arrivals.

"Who are they?" she asked.

"Oi!" the Doctor yelled, as the three women picked themselves up. "Get out of my TARDIS!"

"Who are you three?" Jack asked, his eyes drawn to the t-shirts that the young hitchhikers wore. They were green with red Welsh dragons on the front. All three women had blonde hair, but the two smallest ones (who looked as though they could be twins) had curly hair that exploded in every direction, while the tallest had straight hair that came half way down her back. As one, they all pulled out identity cards.

"Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society!" one of the shorter girls proclaimed.

"We're here," the other continued. "To arrest Miss Foxblade for messing up the canon personalities in this fandom."

"You people!" Willowe gasped. "Where are the girls who normally run the Society?"

"Well," the tallest girl said. "Tash's team are currently helping another faction of the Society deal with a Gary-Stu…and Valerie's team are still stuck in the Sailor Moon world from what we heard…"

"Emma!" the second girl shouted. "Stop rambling and help me!"

She had latched onto Willowe's arm and was trying to drag her away from the Doctor. Willowe whirled around and was trying to flee, her waterfall of auburn locks flying out behind her.

"God Beth!" the girl's twin rolled her eyes, grumbling in a scouse accent. "You're so bossy! Let me help."

Shaking her head, she grabbed Willowe's other arm, ducking another face full of silky hair as the Sue struggled.

"I see what Lauren meant – that hair is annoying as hell."

Emma grinned sheepishly at the Doctor.

"Sorry, it's our first day on the job," she explained.

"Rookies, eh?" Jack winked at her, and Emma felt herself blush.

"Oi!" Beth snapped. "Stop flirting with my sister!"

"You rather I flirted with you?" Jack asked, giving her a once over. Beth arched an eyebrow before dropping Willowe's arm.


"Beth!" Kate cautioned. "Tash warned us about this in training! We can't let our Self Insert-ness interfere with our mission!"

"…oh screw Tash!" Beth proclaimed. "It's Jack Harkness!"

And she crossed the room and lip locked with the handsome American captain.

"Beth!" Kate yelled. "You're useless you!"

The Doctor, who's canon personality had been shattered by the sight of so many pretty fangirls, decided to speak up at this moment. "We've landed on the beaches of Karak."

"Oooh beaches!" Emma said enthusiastically. "Nice ones? We don't have any of those in Wales!"

"Wanna join me?" the Doctor asked, grabbing his long coat. Emma beamed.

"Sure! But first…" she reached up and ruffled his messy dark hair. "I've always wanted to do that!"

Kate had gone completely slack with disbelief as Beth began undressing the captain, and Emma strode out of the TARDIS doors hand in hand with the Doctor. It was only when the doors slammed shut, that she realised that she had let go of Willowe, and the Mary-Sue was nowhere to be found.

"Well darn and smite," she muttered. "I suppose I'd better go report this…Tash was right. These captures never go as planned." She grinned suddenly. "Good thing I have a boyfriend!"

And so while Emma and Beth were significantly distracted by their time travelling admirers, Kate returned to report their failure. Meanwhile, Willowe retreated into another plothole, cursing the expanding society for foiling her tragic life even more, and returning to her sequel fodder sisters to plot her next fandom invasion.

No comments:

Post a Comment