Friday, September 2, 2011

Insert Unexpected Random Event Here

"Sakaki-san! Sakaki-san!"

Chiyo ran up to Sakaki. "There's a new student today! She's really nice and everything, and she transferred into our class from Kyoto!"

Sakaki appraised Chiyo. "…a new student?"

Chiyo nodded. "Yeah! Her name is…"


"Pay attention!"

This line was yelled by an unusually strict Aster.

Since Willowe's downfall, there had been a severe decrease in the number of Sue cases, and thus the Society was at rest. Unfortunately, this had led to a lingering sense of boredom in the Library Arcanium. Thus, Aster had started holding classes in her one and only area of expertise: anime/manga.

Every Society member ended up attending. Some wanted to get a more thorough knowledge of fandoms, but most of the members… were just bored.

Aster, however, was a stricter teacher than expected, and her class was not exactly easy…

Aster slammed her meter stick on the sleeping Tyler, who jolted up and rubbed his back.

"Pay attention! Otherwise I'll have you carry buckets of water again!"

The whole class was sitting at desks in a very classroom-like setting. Aster had a meter stick in one hand and a piece of chalk in the other, with which she wrote notes on the board. All the students were holding a copy of the last volume of Elfen Lied.

"And so," said Aster, writing on the board, "the name 'Lucy' is a reference to the Darwinian theory of evolution. Although Lucy's proper name is 'Kaede', she was named 'Lucy' as a reference to the fact that, when the first Australopithecus afarensis, or the first bipedal hominid, was found. Thus, Lucy is a key step in evolution."

Aster erased the board and faced the class. She then said, "So. Your final assignment for this unit."
The class groaned.

Aster turned to the board and wrote:

Open Book Essay. Write a three-page essay on the possible meaning of the ending. Consider how Lucy/Nyuu's sacrifice affects Kouta. Explain the meaning of the "twins", why there are twins, and who each twin represents. Analyze the name "Kaede" and how it relates to Lucy, as discussed in class. Predict the final outcome of the ending of the manga. You may NOT write fanfiction. Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes.

Extra Credit: Answer this question to receive 10 extra points. What do Nana (Elfen Lied), Osaka (Azumanga Daioh), and Tsuruya-san (Suzumiya Haruhi) have in common?

The class groaned again.

Aster pulled out a table. "You are to put your textbooks here when you have finished. Then you will retrieve your new textbooks."

Aster then pulled out nine piles of books. The class groaned for the third time, because the books were the Suzumiya Haruhi series (one pile for each novel), otherwise known as the series Aster worshipped.

"Your homework for tonight is to read the first novel. Tomorrow we will discuss the events of the novel and how it caused an uprising of too many HaruKyon fangirls."

Tash could have sworn Aster was staring at her.

Aster pulled out a stopwatch. "Your time on the essay starts… now."

And so the Society got to work.

A few minutes into it, something beeped in Harriet's pocket.

"There's a Sue," said Harriet.

"Wait until the class finishes the essay."

"But – "

Aster slammed the meter stick on Harriet's desk. Harriet emitted a small eep and returned to her essay.

Adrian opened his mouth, but Aster walked over to him, holding the stick over him menacingly. It was a truly frightening sight.

Adrian looked down and returned to his essay.


Fortunately, the Sue hadn't gotten very far.

"I count a level 1..." said Kate.

"Why are we even bothering to catch the Sue?" said Tash lazily on the couch. "She's a freaking Level 1. She won't really do anything."

Kate turned to face Tash.

"Really, Tash," said Kate. "Tell me, right now, if you have anything better to do..."


This resulted in the entire Society volunteering to go after a pitiful Level 1 Sue.


Kiya was the new girl at the school of the Azu-girls.

She was a normal sort of girl - the kind of girl that completely combatted the normal type of Azu-girl. She had mediocre grades, and she worked hard and diligently to raise them like any normal person, although thankfully she had the help of Chiyo's tutoring.

"Wow, thank you, Chiyo-chan!" said Kiya sweetly as Chiyo cleared up a minor math problem.

"It's no problem," said Chiyo.

Kiya had this irresistible personality that even Yukari-sensei came to like, and somehow, Kimura-sensei never made any perverted comments in front of her. Tomo and Kagura liked to play pranks on her, but Kiya easily forgave them, and would only laugh along heartily. She sometimes would babysit Mayaa when Chiyo couldn't take care of him, and thus Sakaki would come to visit...

She was also the only person to refer to Osaka as "Ayumu-chan" and not "Osaka"...

What Kiya did not expect was the entire Society rounding up on her one day at school.

"Blah blah blah, you're under arrest, we're the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, you can come quietly or get hurt because of your fandom distortion, whatever," said Harriet dully.

"You really could put more emphasis on it Hati..."

"I'm bored."

"What?" said Kiya, looking confused. "I'm just an innocent little girl! What did I ever do to you?"

Chiyo came forward and flung herself in front of Kiya. "Yeah! You can't take her!"

"Whatever," said Valerie. "Can someone hand me a Prohibitor?"

Tash handed it to Valerie, who easily put it on Kiya.

Kiya frowned.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the Prohibitor fell to pieces on the floor before the required two seconds had elapsed. Kiya had released her ultimate attack -


Certain changes had happened around Kiya. Her moe factor had increased somewhat around 700%, and she was staring at the Azu-girls with pitiful eyes that made everyone want to care for her. Not only that, but -
Harriet looked at her monitor. "Level 6. Somehow she jumped from a Level 1 to a Level 6..."

Kiya released even more of her cuteness. The Society flinched, putting their hands against their eyes to shield...

Then Aster walked up and patted Kiya's head.

"Wha..." said Tash. "Aster, stop it - she's a Sue, and you know that - "

"But she's so かわいい!"

Kiya scrunched her face, and yelled her attack name again.

Even more cuteness started to bleed. More and more Society members started to go up and pat Kiya's head. Kiya smiled, showing a full set of pure white teeth.

Soon, all of the girls had gone up and were playing with the really cute Kiya.

But there was a certain type of person that was immune to Kiya's cuteness...

Definition: A boy.


Kiya had ignored the all-important fact that Azumanga Daioh was pretty much almost entirely girls...and so her power didn't work on them.



Adrian socked Kiya right in the face. Kiya clutched onto her face, but she was still irresistibly cute.
"Adrian!" said Tash disapprovingly. "How could you hurt an innocent girl like this?"

"Ah - "

Marcus came forward with the Prohibitor and jammed it on Kiya's face, but Claire ripped it right off.

"Oi!" said Michael, pulling out his sword. "You people back off, or I'm slicing you with Kiya!"

"Um, Michael," said Kyle, "I'm pretty sure you don't actually mean that..."

"Oh, fine," said Michael. "All of you except Claire!"

And so, all of the boys were forced to drag Kiya along with the Society girls all the way over to the basement, when they finally managed to pry the girls off Kiya, lock her up, and bring the girls back up for grief counseling. They recovered in time, and Tash passed around extra immunity pills for further instances of poisonous cuteness.


Tash was making herself a sandwich in the kitchen when suddenly she heard a voice.

"Tashさん..." It was a very angry growl. Tash turned around to see Aster facing her, holding the meter stick in one hand and a paper in the other. Tash looked at the paper to see "32" written in red at the top. Upon closer inspection, Tash saw that it was her essay.

"Oh..." said Tash, starting to get nervous.

Aster shoved the paper in her face. "What is this? And you call yourself an Elfen Lied fan! How on earth did this happen?"

"Well, um..." said Tash, sounding more and more diminished, "I told you, I've only seen the anime..."

"We discussed this in class!"

"Well..." muttered Tash, "I sort of ate too many of Adrian's wontons beforehand and kinda fell asleep..."


Miriku was giving the new recruits a tour.

"This," said Miriku, "is the main room. Often, Society members will - "

"How can this happen? You're supposed to be paying attention! For that you'll get punishment! Punishment!"

The recruits saw Tash sprinting by at an amazingly fast speed, with Aster at her heels, waving the meter stick back and forth.

"That," said Miriku, rubbing her temples, "is Tash getting yelled at by someone her junior. It's a very rare event."

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