Thursday, June 9, 2011

Insert Bad Dinosaur-Related Pun Here

Tyler was tiptoeing through the Library when he was stopped by Marcus.

"Where are you going?"

"Shhhh. I'm on a mission."

"To do what?"

"To steal Adrian's cookies." Marcus' eyes widened.

"Are you insane?"

"Probably. But I like cookies."

Tyler was positioned right above the cookies. He dropped down on his trusty rope and selected a cookie. Suddenly a voice rang out from a hidden recorder.

"DON'T STEAL MY COOKIES!" Startled, Tyler dropped right onto the tray of cookies. Adrian, hearing the trap, stormed into the room.

"This is really getting annoying! Why does everyone want my cookies?"

"Oreos are good. On second thought, do you have any chocolate chip?"

Adrian looked puzzled for a moment, and Tyler ran like heck. He zipped past the meeting room in time to hear, "Does anyone know about the Dinosaur King fandom?" Tyler stuck his head in.

"Em… I do." Tash looked around to see who had said that. Noticing Tyler, she shrugged.

"Sure." Tyler grinned. Then he saw Adrian running towards him. "Gotta go!"

Tyler zipped away, Adrian in hot pursuit. Tyler turned a corner, opened a plothole, and leaped into it just as the catified librarian caught up with him.


In the Dinosaur King fandom, life was good. The Alpha Gang, an organization of criminals seeking to capture the dinosaurs brought into the present by a malfunctioning time machine, was defeated. The D-Team, otherwise known as "The Good Guys," had rescued all the dinosaurs controlled by the Alpha Gang. The dinosaurs had been sent back into their own time, safe and sound.

The source of all this? Megalia Amiti Raven Ylora Sally Undine. Mary-Su for short. And she was. Complete with blond hair and blue eyes. Arriving mysteriously into the fandom with amnesia, she had a Dino Holder with a superpowerful dinosaur, a Giganotosaur with unbelievable speed, strength, defense, and Move Cards. She easily defeated the Alpha Gang's dinosaurs, Spiny, Terry, and Tank, with one strike. The blast revealed the dinosaurs to the world. Immediately everyone loved her. She was a media sensation. Her beauty and grace on camera astounded everyone. She was on CNN, Newsweek, Squawk on the Street… everything.

Life was perfect. The D-Team even gave up their dinosaurs to her, because she obviously knew more about the dinosaurs then they did.

That was when Tyler showed up. He was short, with brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, and light freckles. Completely unremarkable. However, he did the one thing that nobody expected him to do. He walked up to Mary-Su and challenged her to a battle (Dino Duel?).

Mary-Su laughed, causing almost every male in the vicinity to sigh. Tyler, on the other hand, just groaned.
"Okay, I'll humor you. Let's go!"

The park that Tyler and Mary-Su were in shifted into a scene from millions of years ago. There was no grass, just small ferns and shrubs. Trees loomed in the distance. Mary-Su pulled out a Dino holder shaped like a crescent moon with a square hanging from it. She took out a card and swiped it along the moon-shaped part. On the square, a screen flickered to life, showing a picture of a huge and powerful dinosaur. Said dinosaur dropped out of nowhere onto the ground. It was at least 50 feet long. It was earth brown, with a row of short spines running from its neck down to the tip of its tail. It had two stubby arms with three claws on each, and long, powerful legs with strong, deadly claws.

Its head was large and held enormous, bone crushing teeth. Tyler gulped. Mary-Su cackled.

"Ready Giganotosaur?" The beast roared in response. Tyler stepped back, partly from the force of the roar, partly from the stink of the breath. He took out his trusty ping-pong paddle.

"That's a ping-pong paddle," observed Mary-Su. Tyler checked.

"Oops!" He pressed a small button on the handle. The rubber on the paddle slid up, revealing a Dino Holder.

"You use your Dino Holder as a ping-pong paddle?" Mary-Su asked, astounded.

"Yeah, is something wrong with that?"

"Uh… no."

"Great, now will you let me bring out my dinosaur in peace?"

"Fine! Jeez, you don't have to be so rude about it!"

Tyler took a card out of the Holder and swiped it. A picture of the dinosaur showed up, then the dinosaur appeared. It was small, maybe 15 feet long. It was blue, and also had spines. Its head was relatively smaller than Giganotosaur's, and its teeth were thinner. Its arms were long, with three claws on the end. They looked like they could do a good job holding on to something. Its legs were long and powerful, with sharp claws instead of nails. One claw on each foot constantly moved up and down, like a switchblade.

"Let's do this Utahraptor!"

And so, the battle began.

Tyler managed to make the first move.

"Let's start with… uh…" He pulled a card out of the Holder. "Ninja Attack!"

Tyler swiped the card, and the picture on the Holder changed from one Utahraptor to three of them, all attacking another dinosaur. Utahraptor charged forward at high speed. About halfway across, it split into two, then four, then eight. As Utahraptor reached Giganotosaur, it and its copies changed direction, running circles around Giganotosaur.

Mary-Su grinned.

"Let's stop that attack. Megaquaker!"

Mary-Su swiped the card, and the picture on her screen changed to Giganotosaur standing amid the wreckage of an earthquake. Giganotosaur jumped into the air, then dropped to the ground hard. A huge explosion of rock and earth sent Utahraptor flying. Giganotosaur roared in triumph.

"Utahraptor!" Mary-Su laughed and took out another Move Card.

"Let's finish him off, Giganotosaur! Sand Smash!"

Mary-Su swiped the card, and the picture changed to Giganotosaur standing in the middle of a sandstorm. Giganotosaur stomped, then kicked outward. A wave of sand blasted from the ground and headed towards Utahraptor. The other dinosaur stood unsteadily.

"Utahraptor, dodge it!"

Utahraptor leapt to the side, but not fast enough. The attack slammed into it and drained its remaining energy. Utahraptor dissolved into light, then solidified back into a card. The card flew into Tyler's hand. The park turned back to normal.

Mary-Su laughed triumphantly. Tyler took out a small object. He walked over to Mary-Su.

"I'd like you to have this for your victory." Mary-Su looked at it.

"Nice bracelet." She put it on. There was a bright flash of light. When it passed, people were whispering to each other.

"Who's that blond girl?"

"What are we doing here?"

"I'm going home."

Mary-Su looked around in shock as her erstwhile fans turned their backs on her and left.

"What was that?" Mary-Su cried. Tyler walked over.

"That was a Prohibitor. It takes all your Sue-ish power and reverses all your actions in this fandom."

"But I've never done anything wrong!"

"Maybe not to any of these people, but you've seriously damaged this fandom. Think about it. You brought in an unbeatable dinosaur and defeated the main villains. How will the series continue?"

"So what? Maybe it's just the series finale."

"Bringing in a superweapon and instantly defeating all enemies in the series isn't spectacular enough for a season finale."

"Yes it is!"


"And now, you're finished!" cried Mary-Su. "Ultimate Great Final Gaia Bomb!"

End Flashback...

Tyler was really annoyed.

"You used a finishing move? With an explosion that lasted three hours? That's it; you're a bigger Sue than I thought."

"Correct. But I'm not getting caught by some society! Never!" Mary-Su ran. Tyler followed.

Mary-Su stopped when she noticed a large man standing near a phone booth. She ran over to him.

"Mister, can you please help me? There's someone after me." The man looked confused. Mary-Su tried again, this time giving the man a puppy-dog face.

"Pweeeeeeeaaaaaaassssse?" The man's face softened.

"Oka…." Tyler snuck up behind him and attached a copyright to his back. The man's face hardened.
"No way! I don't even know you! Scram!" Mary-Su scrammed. Tyler was about to follow, when the man grabbed him by the shoulder.

"And why are you sticking something on my back?"


Tyler sat in a jail cell, playing tic-tac-toe with himself.

"This is really boring."

The next day…

"Okay, your sentence is up, but don't stick stuff on people anymore."

"Yes officer."

Tyler looked through the streets of New York for Mary-Su. He had a feeling she would try to get the Prohibitor removed, so he looked for a jewelry shop. Finally he found one.

The sign read: ERNIE'S JEWEL-O-RAMA. Tyler looked inside and saw one employee working to remove a bracelet worn by a customer. Tyler took a closer look at the customer. Yup, it was Mary-Su. He walked over to her.

"You're under arrest!"

The employee finally managed to take off the Prohibitor.

"There you go! Wait… what? You can't put this girl under arrest! You're just a kid!"

"Actually, I'm a member of the Anti-Cliché and Elimination of Mary-Sues Society."

The employee thought for a minute. "Never heard of it."

Tyler sighed in annoyance. "That really doesn't matter, sir. This girl is under arrest for being a Mary-Sue."

"That's her name! You can't arrest someone because of their name!"

"Actually, my name is Megalia Amiti Raven Ylora Sally Undine," piped up Megalia Amiti Raven Ylora Sally Undine.

"See? Anyone with a name that pretentious can't be all human!"

"Don't insult the name I chose!"

"You're discriminating based on name?"

"No, I'm discriminating based on Suiness!"

"Because her name is so long! That's name discrimination!"


"Excuse me, but you three are causing a disturbance. I'm going to have to take you to jail." He bent aside and whispered to Mary-Su.

"It's just a formality for you, you know. I have to give you some jail time, even though you're obviously too perfect to ever do anything wrong."

Tyler made a face.

The next day….

"To you, kid, this is your second offense. One more time and it's a felony."

The trio left the jailhouse. Mary-Su bolted, Tyler followed, and the jewelry shop employee was left to wonder what had just happened.

Tyler and Mary-Su managed to find an abandoned park. Mary-Su let out Giganotosaur, Tyler let out Utahraptor.

This time, Mary-Su made the first move.

"I, Megalia Amiti Raven Ylora Sally Undine, will defeat you! Sand Smash!"

The wave of sand headed toward Utahraptor, who jumped in time to avoid it. Tyler looked through his Move Cards.

"Found one! Cyclone!"

Tyler swiped the card, and the picture changed to Utahraptor running through a whirlwind. Light flashed from the Dino Holder, and a cloud appeared above Utahraptor. A twister spun down from the cloud, wrapping around the charging Utahraptor. Giganotosaur braced for impact. The larger dinosaur didn't even flinch when Utahraptor headbutted it. Mary-Su pulled out another Move Card.

"Ground Up Assault!"

A stone cocoon encased Giganotosaur, then fell away. The enormous dinosaur was nowhere to be seen. Tyler knew what had happened.

"Utahraptor, the second you feel something under you, jump away!"

Utahraptor waited. Suddenly, the ground shifted under him. He leapt to one side, escaping the emerging Giganotosaur. Tyler took out a Move Card.

"Kagerou!" When the card was swiped, the picture changed to a glowing Utahraptor running at high speed.

Utahraptor ran forward at the speed of wind. He started to glow bright purple. As he reached Giganotosaur, he vanished into wind. Suddenly, Giganotosaur was in the eye of a small cyclone. The wind spread out, giving Giganotosaur more room to move. Giganotosaur was about to leave the ring of wind when a streak of purple and blue light curved across the circle, striking Giganotosaur. Then another streak followed suit. And then another. During the ten seconds the move lasted, Giganotosaur had been hit over a hundred times. However, it didn't even seem fazed.

"Hahaha!" Mary-Su laughed. "Did you really think that that puny attack would defeat my ultimate dinosaur?"

"Good point, but I still have to beat you."

"No you don't. You could just let me go."

"Not a chance. I like you less than I did Phantom, and that's saying something."

"Phantom… annoying Gary Stu, always wearing blue?"

"That's him. But you're more annoying. He wasn't very bright. I always managed to catch him in less than 1100 words."

"I'm better."


"And now I'll show you why!" Mary-Su pulled out a Move Card. "Gaia Blast!"

Mary-Su swiped the card, and the picture changed to show Giganotosaur between several pillars of earth. Giganotosaur stomped, and those exact pillars rose out of the ground. Then they curved toward each other and entwined, forming a single pillar. At the top, the pillars spread out again, becoming something remarkably like a turret. As it turned out, that's exactly what it was. Pieces of the earth's mantle shot down onto Utahraptor. By the time the attack was over, Utahraptor was a card again.

"Ha!" exclaimed Mary-Su. "I beat you again!"

"No you didn't! You've underestimated the power of Move Cards!"

"You haven't got a dinosaur." Mary-Su pointed out.

"Oh. Oh yeah, I forgot you can't use a Summoning Move Card without a Dinosaur."

Mary-Su started to laugh.

"You know, you're pretty stupid."

"Maybe. Or maybe I just want you to think I'm stupid, so you'll let your guard down."

"Uhhh… no, I think you're just stupid."

"I get that a lot."

"Awww, that's so… HEY! Phantom told me about you! He said you tricked him twice!"

"I did."

"Well, it won't work on me."

"It already has. Twice." Tyler finished slipping his second Prohibitor onto Mary-Su's wrist. "You're coming with me."

"Not a chance! You're not catching me!"

"Oh give up. Just because you're a Sue, it doesn't mean that you'll always win…OH COME ON!"

This last bit was because a motorcycle had driven by and Mary-Su had grabbed onto it, zooming away. Tyler did the natural thing… he went to Starbucks and ordered an enormous coffee with huge amounts of sugar and downed it. He paid for his coffee, then zoomed off, leaving a human-shaped dust cloud in his wake.

Mary-Su was hanging on to the motorcycle when a blur slammed into her and began zooming up the side of a skyscraper. When they reached the top, Tyler kicked Mary-Su into the next building, knocking off the lightning rod. Tyler grabbed the rod and began whacking Mary-Su with it. The two of them smashed off another lightning rod, and Tyler grabbed it, then used both of them to spike Mary-Su straight down.

Several tourists sightseeing off the Empire State Building were somewhat surprised when two kids shot downwards in front of them, battering each other viciously.

The two were about fifty feet off the ground. Tyler put about a foot of distance between himself and Mary-Su, then bent his right knee.

"To paraphrase a fellow Society member….." Mary-Su's eyes widened.



When the dust cleared, Tyler was standing on one leg in a small crater, over the unconscious Mary-Su. Several people were looking around, dazed. One policeman was striding towards the sidewalk. Tyler noticed this, quickly grabbed Mary-Su's wrist, opened a Plothole, and hopped through it.


"Wow, you were gone for more than four days. What happened?" asked Marcus.

"Please don't ask," replied Tyler. Then he heard something.

"TYLERRRRR!" Tyler blanched. With the effects of his sugar/caffeine high still slightly affecting him, he once again zipped off, Marcus being left to wonder what just happened.

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