Sunday, June 12, 2011

Insert Badly-Managed Mischief Here

It was Maurauders era, Hogwarts. The four marauders were hiding behind a tapestry, waiting with bated breath as Mrs. Norris walked towards the center of the halway, sniffing. Not only had they just raided the kitchen, but they'd set a trap for the evil tabby.

"Peter, stop eating all the eclairs," James said, "there'll be none left."

"Yes, and we have to get them up to the common room for the party," agreed Sirius.

"Well James ate one," sulked Peter.

"Only because he caught the snitch and won the game, giving us a reason to have the party," Remus Lupin explained patiently. "Now shh, the cat's coming." Five seconds later, a loud yowling sound reached their ears, informing them that Mrs. Norris had fallen through the false floor tile and into the Vanishing Potion they'd set below. The cat was sinking in the magical quicksand. Laughing, the boys came out from behind the tapestry.

"Wow," they gasped in unison. Standing before them was the prettiest girl they had ever seen. She had long strawberry blonde hair, and beautiful blue-green eyes. Her skin had a pale, Veela-like glow. Her name was Eulalia Anita Loralei Tangerine Dragonfly, and she was a Mary Sue. Sadly, that didn't stop her from causing the four Marauders to stand there, gawking at her like idiots. She was holding Mrs. Norris, who she had rescued.

"Is this your idea of a funny prank?" she demanded, hands on her hips. The cat's tail was missing.

"Oh, uh, no, not at all," stammered James. "If you want, we'll never pull a prank ever again!"

"She's hot," Sirius stage whispered, and Eulalia smiled and pretended not to notice.

"I never agree with their stupid pranks," Lupin was saying, "I'm a prefect, but I also go along because I'm also an incredibly loyal person." Peter tried to think of something impressive to say, but before he could tell the beautiful Eulalia all about his ability to cram twenty chocolate frogs into his mouth, a classroom door swung open and a girl bounded out.

This girl was very normal looking, not dazzling like Eulalia, with curly brown hair. "Stop right there, Sue!" she shouted.

"My name isn't Sue," Eulalia said sweetly.

"I know that," Ria said, "You're Eulalia. But at least you aren't Willowe What's-Her-Face with the ridiculous name. I don't know how Tash and the others keep a straight face speaking to her."

"Who are you," Demanded James sourly.

"I'm Ria, from the Anti-cliché and Mary Sue Elimination Society," the girl said loudly. She indicated her T-Shirt, which was too long on account of the fact that she was shorter than most other society members.

"You? Huh, they must be desperate for recruits," Eulalia said musically, turning still smiling flirtatiously at the boys, "You're awfully small for your age." The Part-Veela girl drew herself up to her full five-foot-nine-model-like height and looked down at Ria, who was five foot nothing. "And unfortunately, you're not going to stop me. I'm here to steal James away from Lily, and to prevent Harry Potter from ever being born."

"Who is Harry Potter?" Sirius was muttering, but Eulalia had cast off her cloak to reveal a ninja-like outfit.

"Not only am I a magical prodigy, a math whiz, a Veela, a Witch, and a Witch Weekly and Magical Makeup cover girl, but I also studied martial arts with Ra'az al Ghul from the League of Shadows." Ria pulled a file from her pocket, one she'd gotten from the library that Adrian was in charge of. She really should have read it before she started this misson: apparently Eulalia went from fandom to fandom terminator-style, eliminating the parents and stopping the children from ever existing. Her only motive was a badly written tragic past. Ria was jolted out of her reverie when Sirius said,

"Wow, Eulalia beautiful and talented."

"And… pretty," Lupin added dreamily.

"She's mine," James dissagreed, throwing the pie he was carrying at Lupin, who retaliated by throwing the treacle tart at James. Peter got hit by accident and started throwing eclairs. Sirius joined in the fight as well.

Soon the scuffle escalated into a full flegded food fight, with the boys saiying things like "she's mine!" "You'd never have a chance with her!"

Ria reached behind her and pulled a giant eraser from midair. It was a nifty trick, but only endless library research and a special permit allowed her to do it. She was only a Rookie, after all.

"Not an eraser! James! Sirius, please save me!" Eulalia looked for all the world like a damsel in distress.

"You just said you were a karate expert," Ria said, advancing with the giant pink eraser… and then the Mary Sue kicked it out of her hands. Surprised, Ria jumped backwards.

"You little self-insert! I'll erase you and the rest of your silly little Society!" Eulalia ran, gracefully of course, because Mary Sues are graceful in everything they do, towards the eraser. Sadly, she slipped on an éclair, skidded forwards, tripped over Mrs. Norris, and landed in the Vanishing Quicksand. Stunned by her luck, Ria watched the Mary Sue dissapear.

"Wow, the Society will be pleased!" she shrugged. Then she looked at the Marauders, still throwing pastries everywhere. They had gotten strawberry pie on her white T-Shirt. Carefully avoiding the magical quicksand, she picked up the eraser, erased the stain, and then vanished the eraser into thin air.

"HEY!" she called, "STOP IT!" It was rather hard to get their attention, but when she did, she said,
"Go on, don't you guys have some party to supply food for?"

"Oh..yeah," James said, looking at the mess around them, "Hey, Sirius, do you remember that clean-up spell?" Ria covered her ears as the boys said the spell—since she was a new member, she didn't want to be tempted to try magic and risk royally messing up.

"Bye!" she called halfheartedly. She turned, opened a classroom door to go through the Plothole. Sadly she'd opened the wrong door and found two students kissing. "Oh, sorry!" she went through the right door this time, vanishing into her own universe.

Note: Author Totally Tropical never wrote any other stories for the Society, and character Ria is accepted to have left the group after her first mission.

Ria is in no way related to "Rhia", an agent who was introduced very shortly after.

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