Deraj sat drumming his fingers together contemplatively. It had all come up to this moment, the trap was set, and it was only a matter of time. He turned his chair to face a TV monitor, watching surveillance footage of Jared's last mission, up until the point the Borg Cube exploded.
"Oh Jared, even then you did not truly grasp the danger you were in, or as Professor Moriarty put it..." he said scooping up a copy of The Adventure Of The Final Problem.
"'This is not danger,' said he. 'It is inevitable destruction. You stand in the way not merely of an individual but of a mighty organization, the full extent of which you, with all your cleverness, have been unable to realize. You must stand clear, Mr. Holmes, or be trodden under foot.'" Deraj read aloud.
"You and your theatrics," grumbled Eolhc, "you don't even know if this plan will work!"
"Oh but Eolhc, I do! I must admit my own carelessness in letting others perform my grunt work, but the Sue Storm prototype will be tested before we see the light of another day. And when it has we can begin work on the full scale device that will single handedly unravel the very seams of the Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society, bringing us one step closer to universal perfection. Now go get the others, it is time for us to begin."
"Just try not to get us nuked this time, if Neb's tomb didn't have a bunker..."
-
Samus Aran was running through the great desert known as the Agon Wastes, she had crashed landed on the planet not too long ago while on commission to investigate the disappearance of a Galactic Federation battle cruiser. What she hadn't counted on however, was being stuck in the middle of an interdimensional war between the Luminoth -the native race on the planet Aether, and the Ing, evil creatures that came from a darkened version of Aether that existed in a parallel universe. To make matters even worse, one cycle after her arrival she had been attacked by another bounty hunter, one that spoke with an unfamiliar accent. She had been lucky to escape their last encounter, but her shields and ammunition were dangerously low.
She rounded a bend in the desert pass and began to sprint across the half-pipe that led to the relative safety of the great temple when she spotted a blip due south east on her radar,closing at an incredible rate. She stopped running and turned around, the blip grew closer as she raised her arm cannon and began to charge her power beam.
A great mechanical dragon, known to Samus as Meta Ridley flew into view, freshly resurrected by Space Pirate scientists for the umpteenth time. Samus targeted the dragon and prepared to fire, then she noticed the rider on it's back.
"Ullo' Sueprised tu see me? De Space Pirates 'ave 'ired me tu keel you, so I 'ope you don't take thees personally," said Cassandra, her speech obviously not impaired through the helmet of her very form fitting Chozo power suit.
Samus quickly switched her target from Meta Ridley to the Sue and fired the power shot she'd been charging. It collided with a strange green barrier that seemed to appear from nowhere, the barrier stopped the shot from progressing but sent a shower of sparks streaking from the underside of the shield towards the Sue, she swore as they scorched her armor.
"O'kay, so we shall embrace brevity in dees encounter," she said as she coaxed her steed into diving after Samus. The bounty hunter managed to make an ungraceful leap to safety at the last second and score a couple of charged shots on Meta Ridley.
The dragon let out a scream of pain and anger as it maneuvered to make a counter-attack. But Cassandra forced it to veer right and gain altitude the second before impact. Keeping one hand on Ridley's neck she twisted her body around so that her arm cannon was aiming at Samus. Opening fire, she sent a volley of missiles and beam shots at the heroine, switching between weapons at an impossible speed, all the while her perfect aim compensating for every evasive maneuver her foe made.
As the attacks found their mark warning lights began to make their way across Samus' visor. Her remaining energy was depleting rapidly as it emptied into her power suits failing shields in a desperate attempt to keep them functional. She quickly realized that her attempts at evasion were getting her nowhere as the alien bounty hunter seemed quite incapable of missing her mark.
Samus quickly worked the controls of her arm cannon as she took aim at her adversary. The end of the weapon folded outward as the internal beam projectors shut down and retracted to make room for the missile launching mechanisms. Samus took aim and proceeded to multi-lock the Sue with her missile spreader. Five missiles launched from her arm cannon simultaneously only to be shot down by the Sue at almost the instant before they found their mark. Samus fired one more missile volley when her heads up display informed her she was out of ammunition. She turned to run and was about to activate her Morph Ball form when she was struck by a Super Missile.
The explosion blew her forward and sent her tumbling across the ground, her visor cracking and and her vision blurring as her head slammed into a rock. She bounced across the ground several more times before rolling to a stop against a lone boulder. She tried to get back up but found that her suit's motivator unit had been destroyed. One-by-one she felt her suits systems began to shut down as her energy reserves ran dry...
"WARNING: LIFE SUPPORT FAILURE IMMINENT!" began to blink across her visor in dim red lights.
Meta Ridley landed in the clearing in front of her a ways. All Samus could do was stare at the creature as it turned to face her and open it's mouth. The last thing Samus ever remembered seeing was the approaching fireball.
-
An army of small green plastic army men began to work their way across the floor of the Library Arcanium, tiny motivators moved their tiny limbs as they moved steadily onward through the commons area, through the kitchen, through the music room until... A great pedestal of chocolate stood before them. The head scout looked around the room, then turned to the captain.
"Captain Crunch sir, there appears to be a short man with a ping pong paddle skewered to the wall with a giant plunger. Do we have permission to engage?"
"Ho Ho Ho, that's a negative solider, we are here on an extraction mission, we do not have orders to initiate a preemptive strike. But be wary, the giant plunger may not be the only trap in the room."
Tyler couldn't believe his eyes. Could he really be seeing a small battalion of small plastic army men marching across the floor? Drake was not going to believe this.
Jared was sitting in Chevila's cab, using a CB radio built into the dash to communicate with the troops.
"Admiral Jared, we are in approach of the sweets, no sign of booby traps so far, we are sending scouts ahead of us to check for landmines."
Landmines? Jared thought, well they were designed to behave like real solders, so it could be expected. Jared turned to the plastic figure on his dashboard.
"General Idea, order your men to bring in the Apache helicopter with grapples to airlift the chocolate off the platform."
The general was just about to relay the order when a transmission crackled over the radio.
"Admiral, we appear to be under attack by a giant stick monster! Major Detail, Colonel O'Korn and Commander Follower have already fallen to it's claws, We need reinforcements... AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
Then a new voice sounded over the radio. "Bad puns and abundant military cliches! Just as I was getting hungry!"
Jared was about to scoop up the general when he noticed he was already rolling out of the hanger in a miniature Sherman tank. Jared stopped the tank with his foot and pulled the general out of it.
"While I appreciate your gusto, I don't think your quite up to Shirley's level little buddy." Jared said.
"Nonsense, why back in Normandy I single handedly strangled 3,000 Nazi's with my bare hands!"
"That seems unlikely."
"That's what the first 2,500 said!"
Jared sighed. "I'm gonna have to find out what it is about you little guys that makes you so delusional."
He stuffed the general in his pocket and took off down the hall to the scene of the battle.
When he arrived the scene was one of absolute carnage. Dead and wounded soldiers lay everywhere, being carried off by tiny medics on stretchers made of Kleenex's and tooth picks, tiny tanks were firing rockets at the Cliche stick which only served to further enrage her, that coupled with the attack helicopter flying just out of her reach served to make her really mad. She scooped up one of the tanks and managed to score a direct hit by throwing it at the helicopter, sending both plummeting to their doom on the ground 8 feet below.
Tyler had somehow managed to get a hand free from behind the giant plunger and was snacking on a bag of popcorn, clearly enjoying the spectacle.
"Sweet John Wayne!" Jared yelled.
"Just like in 'Nam..." said General Idea.
Jared immediately began setting toy troop transports on the ground. "General retreat men! Fall back! Fall back!"
The troops began to slowly make their way to the trucks as Jared held Shirley at bay by shouting various cliches and keeping bookshelves between them. Once the trucks were underway and en route back to Jared's lab, Jared ran over to Tyler and yanked the plunger free. He then swung it as a makeshift baseball bat to try to make Shirley back off, but she just bit it clean in two. She was just about to lunge at Jared when a whole fleet of toy Blackhawk helicopters flew out of the ventilation and opened fire on the Cliche Stick, distracting her. Jared muttered his thanks, gave a brief salute and he and Tyler took off running, Shirley managed to take out two retreating helicopters by throwing books before just before they could retreat into the ventilation.
"Come back here you little plastic sissies!" He heard Shirley yell.
"What were those things?" Tyler asked.
"Those were the Little Plastic Green Beret. I'll be using them as scouts when I go on missions once I get the bugs worked out, but as you can see they can be useful for making diversions too. I was going to observe their resourcefulness by having them 'extract' Adrian's sweets when Shirley showed up and began tearing them apart"
"What's that about Shirley?" Ben asked, joining the two agents as they sprinted by him. "I assume whatever it is involves the reason you're randomly running throughout the library."
And that's when they all ran into Chloe.
"Watch where your going!" she shouted as she tried to drag herself out from beneath the pile of bodies.
"Hello Chloe," Ben said grinning.
"Ben! Get your arm off of my shoulder!" she yelled at him.
"I'd love to, but Tyler is pinning it there."
"Don't look at me, Jared's basically sprawled across my back, I can't move"
"I like chaos." Jared said, swiping some of Tyler's popcorn from the middle of the pile.
"What's going on here?" Tash said as she entered the room.
"Nothing, nothing at all," Jared said, disentangling from the pileup.
"Well, multiple Mary Sues have been spotted in the Metroid Prime fandom, I'm assembling some teams, can the four of you go?" Tash asked.
"Sure, but first let me go rescue my toy army from the claws of a homicidal piece of wood..."
Tash shrugged, most of Jared's requests didn't make sense, she had just learned not to ask.
-
The plan seemed fairly straight forward, three Mary Sues were spaced evenly throughout the second game of the Metroid Prime series, one in the Agon Wastes, one on the Temple Grounds and another located at Torvus Bog on the surface of Dark Aether, which presented a problem.
Ben raised his hand.
"Excuse me, but the atmosphere of Dark Aether is both toxic and corrosive. How are we going to send a team in there without killing them?" he asked.
Tash answered. "Chloe and Aster are the only two who will be going to Dark Aether, Aster's ability to change the composition of the air around her will negate the harmful effects of the atmosphere, and Chloe will be taking Chevila who will no doubt canonize into a Chozo power suit capable of withstanding the atmosphere."
"Careful with her Chloe, she's still hurtin' from her introduction with the wall of Doug's lab." Jared called at his partner from across the briefing room.
"As for you Jared, the Sue in the temple grounds is only a level four. Think you can handle her by yourself?" said Tash.
"No worries,"
"Okay, then Ben, Drake and Tyler, you three will be going after the level six sue in the Agon Wastes. Keep in mind that the wastes are a desert, you should bring plenty of water with you. Now that everybody knows where they're going, get to it and good luck."
"Be careful, Ben," said Lily as she gave him a hug.
"Get a room you two," Drake muttered as he scooped up his Plothole generator on his way out of the room.
-
Jared entered the fandom through a plothole in the cockpit of the disabled Galactic Federation ship called the Tyr. The crew had been in the middle of repairs when a mass of creatures called Dark Splinters had killed them all.
Jared walked over to where the commander had fallen and picked up his laser rifle, normally he was content with just toting his Boomhammer, but the enemies in this fandom were not creatures one should take lightly, and Jared felt a little more comfortable with the futuristic weapon in his possession.
Jared walked out of the crashed ship and turned towards the Great Temple, a large structure that housed the planetary energy of Aether. He figured if he were a Sue, that's where he would be, so that's where he would look first, he walked down the landing ramp a took his first step onto the planet Aether.
Several tiny plotholes opened behind him and several troop transport trucks and helicopters began to appear out of them.
Jared turned to address them. "Men, your job is to search the area around me, report any enemy sightings to General Idea or myself immediately, do not engage unless you are cornered. Do you understand?"
One of the solders raised his hand "You wanted us to report all enemy sightings immediately right?"
Jared looked at the figure. "Yes, why?"
"Because I believe there is a swarm of the creatures this fandom calls 'Dark Splinters' approaching from the north sir"
Jared whipped around. Sure enough a swarm of at least 50 of the giant flightless insects were fast approaching. Troops began running out of the transports and throwing each other tiny plastic munitions.
"Oh crap," was all Jared managed to say.
-
Ben, Shirley, Tyler and Drake stepped through a plothole and the first thing they noticed upon entry to the fandom was that the area they were in was enclosed and full of mining machinery.
"We must be inside the Space Pirates' mining facility," Ben said, "which is good, I'd much rather be in the cool mine then on the hot surface."
Tyler and Drake looked at each other.
"Uh, I don't think either of us should be in charge of the navigating, considering what happened last time me and Tyler dug a tunnel." Drake said, tugging at the bandage on his nose.
"O-kay, lets just go this way then," said Ben, picking a direction more or less at random and beginning to walk. The other three people turned to follow him when a Space Pirate proximity detector went off, sending up red lights and sirens all around them.
"On second thought, the other way has its own charms," Ben said as Pirate Commandos started storming into the room.
-
Aster stepped through her plothole, completely alone.
"Nani? Where is Chloe-chan?" She asked right as a certain 1986 Chevy burst through a plothole right by her at 88 MPH, canonizing instantly. Chloe tumbled to a halt several yards away, she was laughing when Aster ran up to her.
"That was so much fun! I almost had to run the whole length of the runway just to get up to 88 MPH! Jared would have killed me if I wrecked the other wall of his lab, I wonder what's behind that one anyway."
Chevila had canonized into a navy-blue variant of the Light Suit, the only power suit in the game that can completely nullify the effects of Dark Aether's atmosphere. Chloe, who was right handed was having to carry her sword in her left hand seeing as the right was now on the inside of the power suit's arm cannon.
Aster helped her up and the two looked around them. All their environment was was toxic purple swamp water and hideous looking black trees as far as they could see, The two began to walk on metal bridge that crossed the swamps middle, briefly pausing to admire a Luminoth light crystal as it projected its bubble shaped shield that forced back the harmful oxygen of this planet.
"That bubble serves as a safe haven Aster," Chloe explained, pointing. "It protects it's occupants from the hostile environment and can actually kill the Ing if you pump enough light energy into it."
"What does an Ing look like anyway?" Aster asked. Then shadows began moving all over the walls, crawling over every surface at high speed, before settling into strategic positions around the two agents, materializing into giant black grasshopper like creatures with scythe-like claws, single eyes gazing at the two.
"That..."
-
Jared emptied his only ammo clip into the swarm as they drew nearer, killing three of them, then for lack of anything better to do flung the weapon harmlessly into the nearest enemy. The LPGB helicopters made strafing runs into the creatures midst. The tiny bullets weren't capable of penetrating the Splinters skin, but if they managed to score a hit on the eye they could temporarily blind the creatures and stall their advance.
"Epicenter!" Jared yelled, punching the ground. A tidal wave of earth overturned on itself and smothered the nearest wave of attackers, Jared felt proud of himself until he remembered that Splinters were burrowing insects, as the swarm quickly dug itself out from beneath the earth and began to close in on their prey with a new found anger. Jared turned to General Idea.
"We have to hit them harder, they'll over run us in moments if we don't do something!"
The General saluted Jared, "We got that covered sir, we've sent in a request for reinforcements!"
"Really now?" Jared said as he smashed a Splinter that had run ahead of the rest of the swarm with his Boomhammer.
"It's really a shame how fast you get in over your head you know." Doug said as he entered the fandom, he aimed a rocket launcher and fired, wiping out 15 of the giant insects.
"Ah Doug, glad you could join me, I see you've come to make sure I'm not torn apart by Ing possessed insects."
Doug laughed. "Actually I've come to make sure you live long enough to fix my wall, no offense."
"None taken. Tremor!" Jared blew up the ground underneath two Splinters, he was rewarded as by a satisfying crunch as there exoskeletons broke. "I don't suppose you have something that can take care of these guys?" Jared and Doug began to back up, half of Jared's army men lay broken on the entry ramp, Jared began to finger his plothole generator.
"As a matter of fact I do, put this on." Doug tossed Jared a gas mask, Jared looked confused, he just got the mask on when Doug pulled out a small canister like grenade.
"Fangirl strength insecticide, I found it in your lab." Doug said pulling the pin.
"Hey, you can't just take stuff out of my lab!"
"Hey, you did knock my wall down..."
Doug threw the grenade directly into a leaping Splinter, knocking it back, it exploded with a violent force that blew the two agents back into the cockpit. When Jared regained his senses he noticed that the whole area was now covered in an ambient green fog. Dead Splinters lay everywhere, Doug helped him up.
"Well men, we got them! Good work!" Yelled General Idea, who was now missing an arm.
"General, round up your wounded and take them back to my lab, I'll work on fixing you up once this mission is over." Jared said through the gas mask.
Helicopters and trucks immediately began to lift up troops and disappear through plotholes, Doug turned to Jared.
"Got any ideas where this Stu is?"
"I say we go check out the temple first, there's nothing else in this whole area a Stu would be interested in."
"Then what are we waiting for?"
"Nothing, Captain Crunch! Get some troops into a helicopter and scout ahead, contact me via radio if you see anything."
And with that Jared, Doug and the remains of the LPGB made there way towards the great Luminoth Temple...
-
"Don't mess with nukes!" cried Ben, hand outstretched as a warhead detonated behind several pirate commandos. Space Pirates had never encountered a nuke before, much less one that appeared from nowhere. Ben followed up the attack by a long winded continuous note on Bahamut, the beam striking the nearest Pirate.
The Space Pirates drew their laser weaponry and began firing heavy rounds of suppressive fire, forcing the three agents to take shelter an a small outcropping of rocks.
"Fire in the hole!" Shouted Tyler as he flung a grenade he had pulled out of his pouch over the top of one of the rocks. The explosive severely damaged the nearest commandos armor, just about incapacitating him, but still managed to get back up and shout something in an alien language.
"What'd he say?" Drake asked as he beat down a group of Space Pirates that had tried to sneak around to the back of the group.
"He said 'So you like grenades do you?'" Ben answered, tuning Bahamut. His E string was flat...
"You speak Space Pirate?" Said Tyler awed.
"Well I'm not fluent, but I can speak a couple common phrases, you'd be surprised how often 'grenade' pops up in pirate talk,"
The Agents looked at him.
"Hey! I play a lot of Metroid." He said as a pirate EMP grenade was hurled into their midst.
"Oh muffins," said Tyler as the grenade went off.
-
Chloe was having a very difficult time fighting off the Ing warriors, her Power Suit's weight made it difficult to move around very fast, and her left handed swordsmanship was mediocre at best.
An Ing scored a direct hit to her chest with it's claws, throwing her back and weakening her shields. She had access to an entire arsenal of futuristic weaponry in her arm cannon but absolutely no idea how to use it, she fiddled with levers and switches but couldn't actually figure out how to get the thing to shoot.
Aster on the other hand. was moping the floor with the Ing, freezing them in blocks of ice and blowing them into the toxic waters of the Torvas bog. She was just about to fly over and assist Chloe when she was blindsided by a translucent green barrier, causing her to tumble ungracefully to the ground.
"'Ello Chloe, I see you brought a friend to dee party dees time. Aster, ees et not?" Said Cassandra as she dropped down from the sky off of Meta Ridley's back. The Ing all retreated from her presence, shifting into their shadow forms and fleeing.
Chloe pointed her arm cannon at the Sue and began button mashing for all she was worth. Out of sheer luck she got it to switch into Dark Cannon mode and shot a single burst of Dark ammunition at the Sue, who simply Slinked out of the way of the accidental projectile.
"Oh, does dee societee agent not know 'ow to operate dee weaponry in her suit? I woold be most willeng to show you."
Cassandra's own arm cannon switched to Annihilator mode and began fusing light and dark energy together. Her visor locked onto Chloe, she raised her weapon and unleashed the blast as a sonic boom missile combo. The powerful blast blew Chloe off of her feat and off the bridge entirely, depleting her shields way more than it should have. causing her to fall into the toxic swamp of the bog.
The acidity of the water dissolved her sword completely as soon as she broke the surface. Chevila's gravity booster activated automatically, allowing her to move through the liquid normally. She was slightly alarmed when her active weapons display began to shrink.
Warning: Canonization device has been reduced to 96% normal function. Screw Attack and Annihilator Beam have been taken offline in order to maintain stable canonization. Further functionality will be reduced if more damage is taken.
Thankfully the Light suit is impervious to the effects of the water, but if it goes offline I'll be in a world of trouble, she thought to herself.
Then she heard Cassandra scream as Aster threw her into the swamp with a gale force blast of wind. Aster broke the surface a second later in pursuit of her foe...
-
Drake's armor was sporting a fresh dent courtesy of the grenade he had covered, and he was not happy about it.
"Storm Punch!" He yelled as he decked a Space Pirate, the armor around it's neck shattered as the pirates head snapped back, killing him instantly.
Drake was not one to waste any valuable resources and quickly lifted pirates corpse with his left hand and proceeded to use it as a shield, using right hand to work the controls on the pirate's own blaster and gunned down two pirates as they ran into the room.
Tyler zapped a couple with a magic bolts and followed up with an axle staff jab between the eyes of another pirate, knocking him out.
"My coffee makers are not controlled by Hoover Dam computers!" Ben cried, forcing the remaining pirate back through the door.
"Don't mess with nukes!" He yelled, nuking the door itself causing a cave-in in the threshold.
"Well that takes care of the cannon fodder." Drake said as he tossed the corpse of the pirate aside, "So shall we try the other direction?"
The group turned around and made their way towards the opposing door, it opened when they were 10 feet away, revealing an elevator shaft.
"Hi Tyler, did you miss me?" Asked Relyt as he jumped into the room, staff drawn. Tyler reached into his pouch, pulled out a kitchen sink and flung it at him.
Relyt nimbly leapt aside.
"Ha, did you expect that to work on me a second time?"
"No, that's why I brought this."
"What?" Relyt asked, then Tyler hit him with a toilet.
"I don't even want to know where you got that," muttered Drake.
He and were about to turn and help when Ekard appeared from behind them and tackled Drake, managing to score a good number of sucker punches before Drake managed flipped over and kicked him in the stomach.
Ekard flipped in the air and turned to face his nemesis. "Drought Kick!" He yelled as he leapt at Drake. Drake sidestepped, grabbed in Ekard mid-leap and flung him into the ground.
Ben turned to face the elevator and raised Bahamut. "Well Neb, I suppose it's just you and me."
There was no motion from inside the elevator, Ben relaxed his stance.
"Oh yeah, that's right..."
Then he felt a sharp pain in his right cheek as a razor sharp knife was raked across it.
Ben clapped his hand to his cheek, when he pulled it away he could clearly see that he that the strike had drawn blood.
A voice came from the shadows. "I might not be your late adversary, but will I do?" Asked Eolhc as she stepped out into the open.
Ben winced. "I'm flattered, but I already have a girlfriend."
Shirley raised her claws, "Nobody cuts my punching bag!" She yelled as she leapt at Eolhc.
-
A small Apache helicopter made it's way towards the temple as it flew over Aether's war-torn landscape, with Jared following a short way behind it. The going was far too easy for Jared's liking, it was almost as if someone was wanting him to reach the temple. He picked up his portable radio.
"Calling Captain Crunch, calling Captain Crunch, report."
"No sign of hostiles sir, we are in approach of the temple now, their appears to be a large antenna like structure attatched to the roof, it does not appear to be of Luminoth design. Do we have permission to investigate?"
"That's a negative, hold your position and await further orders."
That's funny, I don't remember any antennas in this game, lets see what my new invention makes of it, Jared thought as he pulled a tiny digital camera out of his pocket. He pointed it at the distant temple and set the zoom to max, sure enough there was an antenna sticking out of the roof. Then Jared hit the shutter button, the camera's screen immediately locked up and began shimmering, the words "analyzing, please wait." appeared in the middle of the screen, when the picture came back into focus the antenna was missing, with a pink outline indicating where it had been before it was edited out. That's when he was startled by a sudden booming voice filling the area.
"Interesting toy you have there. What do you call it?" Doug asked.
"The Canon Camera, it uses mathematical probability and trends in the fandom's plotline to generator pictures of what a fandom should look like if they were free from non canon influence, subtle things can escape it however if they are close enough to canon to escape the sensors notice." Jared called out.
"Interesting," said a man who might as well have been Jared's messy haired twin dressed in cargo pants and a brown leather jacket stepped out from the shadows.
"Who are you?" Jared asked.
"I am Deraj, tech specialist of the Pro-Cliche and Mary Sue Protection Society, I believe you can be of great service to our cause."
"Why would I want to help you?" Jared asked, raising his Boomhammer.
"What makes you think I'm giving you a choice?" Deraj said as he gripped a shining crowbar he slipped out of his jacket sleeve and lowered a weird looking visor over his eyes.
Without even a word of warning the man charged at Jared, raising the crowbar above his head.
"Flashbar!" He shouted as he brought it down.
"Boomhammer!" Jared yelled as he countered with his own weapon.
There was a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder... Deraj skidded back several feet, completely unharmed. Jared just dropped his hammer and clapped a hand over his eyes, all he could see was flashing dots and a white blur.
"Careful Doug! He's using some kind of light based weaponry! Don't look at it, it will blind you!" Jared yelled, feeling around for his dropped weapon.
Doug drew his dagger, morphed it into sword form and lunged at Deraj, Deraj sidestepped, although not fast enough to avoid Doug cutting deeply into his arm through his jacket.
"You'll pay for that! Flash bar!" Deraj slammed his crowbar into the back of Doug's knee, Doug's forward momentum cushioned the blow however and he was able to twist around and deliver another cut to Deraj's leg.
"Not bad!" Deraj said as he took a step back and pressing on his wound. "At first I thought our intel on you was exageratted, now I see it was completly justified."
"It seems you know alot more about me than I do about you." Doug remarked.
"That I do... and once I have beaten you I look forward to AUUGGHHH!" Deraj was blown through the air as Jared's Boomhammer slammed into his backside.
"I made not be able to see you, but as long as you keep running your yap I can still find you well enough."
"Don't you know it's rude to inturrupt when people are talking?" Deraj asked, raising his visor.
"Jared, stay back, he's up to something and your just a liability without your eyesight." Doug barked.
"Oh aren't we the brave one? You seem to be able to evade my flash bar without much trouble, but do you think you'll have as much luck against a very force of nature? Subduction!" Deraj reached his hand towards Doug, the halfling didn't even have time to react as the ground underneath him imploded and buried him up to his waist.
Deraj drew his revolver and took aim at Doug's head. "I Believe your time is up, monsieur Douglas..." He said as he pulled the pulled the trigger...
-
A lone figure scaled down the face of a mountain in the Agon Wastes.
Once the region had been a beautiful grassland, lush and full of life. Then the Leviathan Seed had impacted and infected the planet with the great poison, tearing Aether's planetary energy in half and creating the world the Luminoth called Dark Aether.
Tiny motivator units creaked and groaned in a mechanical limb as he made his way slowly down the mountain. The climbing was difficult, the previous occupant of this body must not have conditioned his muscles to this type of activity.
Far below him lay the entrance of the Space Pirates mine. It was heavily guarded with Elite Pirate Commandos positioned around a strange looking antennae, but he wasn't interested in it . The pirates would try to stop him getting into the mine but they were merely obstacles as far as he was concerned.
Suddenly, his foot slipped from his hold and he began to tumble, only his mechanical reflexes saved him, enabling him to grip the surface of the sheer rock before he fell very far.
A jolt of lightning ran through his brain...
-
Falling.
Darkness.
Pain.
Falling.
Falling.
Oblivion.
-
The mechanical half of quickly sent a jolt of electricity through his remaining living brain cells, driving the fleeting impression from conscious thought.
A moment later, he came to a rest on a small ledge a few feet wide.
Two pirate aerotroopers swooped towards him, shouting something at him in their strange language. His computer brain instantly began to analyze their vocal patterns.
Language Identified: Space Pirate.
Fandom of Use: Metroid, most notably the Prime series.
Translation in Progress... 36%... 58%... 86%... Complete.
"What are you? Some sorta freak of nature?"
Verbal Response: None necessary.
Nonverbal response: Eliminate without prejudice, avoid alerting ground troops to presence.
Stealth mode disengaged. Weapon activation in progress, engage when ready.
The whole thought had only taken half of a second, but when the split-second was over the strange figure raised his scarred left hand and pointed it at the head of the nearest trooper. The end of his ring finger collapsed, retracted and fired a small armor piercing bullet, penetrating the pirate's skull before he had even knew what was happening.
The other pirate immediately put on evasive maneuvers and began to fire missile barrages at the figure on the edge of the cliff, the figure's computer enhanced brain immediately began planning a counterattack.
Incoming missiles, anti-missile fire initiated... Missiles destroyed.
Targeting Aerotrooper... Target locked. Fuel pumps have begun filling ignition chamber with petroleum jelly... Ignition chamber is full, petroleum jelly reserves are at 98.657%
Compensating for wind velocity and relative motion of target, firing explosive burst...
Aerotrooper has been neutralized... Chance of recovery: 16.7%
New Data: Fire from initial burst now coming into contact with aerotroopers fuel tanks... Aerotrooper has exploded... Chance of recovery: 0%
WARNING: Unit has been detected by ground troops, incoming suppressive fire...Stealth mode reengaged.
Pirates appear to be confused by stealth camouflage... Firing explosive bursts into midst of pirates... Pirates are in retreat...
Proceeding as planned...
"Oh Jared, even then you did not truly grasp the danger you were in, or as Professor Moriarty put it..." he said scooping up a copy of The Adventure Of The Final Problem.
"'This is not danger,' said he. 'It is inevitable destruction. You stand in the way not merely of an individual but of a mighty organization, the full extent of which you, with all your cleverness, have been unable to realize. You must stand clear, Mr. Holmes, or be trodden under foot.'" Deraj read aloud.
"You and your theatrics," grumbled Eolhc, "you don't even know if this plan will work!"
"Oh but Eolhc, I do! I must admit my own carelessness in letting others perform my grunt work, but the Sue Storm prototype will be tested before we see the light of another day. And when it has we can begin work on the full scale device that will single handedly unravel the very seams of the Anti-Cliche and Mary Sue Elimination Society, bringing us one step closer to universal perfection. Now go get the others, it is time for us to begin."
"Just try not to get us nuked this time, if Neb's tomb didn't have a bunker..."
-
Samus Aran was running through the great desert known as the Agon Wastes, she had crashed landed on the planet not too long ago while on commission to investigate the disappearance of a Galactic Federation battle cruiser. What she hadn't counted on however, was being stuck in the middle of an interdimensional war between the Luminoth -the native race on the planet Aether, and the Ing, evil creatures that came from a darkened version of Aether that existed in a parallel universe. To make matters even worse, one cycle after her arrival she had been attacked by another bounty hunter, one that spoke with an unfamiliar accent. She had been lucky to escape their last encounter, but her shields and ammunition were dangerously low.
She rounded a bend in the desert pass and began to sprint across the half-pipe that led to the relative safety of the great temple when she spotted a blip due south east on her radar,closing at an incredible rate. She stopped running and turned around, the blip grew closer as she raised her arm cannon and began to charge her power beam.
A great mechanical dragon, known to Samus as Meta Ridley flew into view, freshly resurrected by Space Pirate scientists for the umpteenth time. Samus targeted the dragon and prepared to fire, then she noticed the rider on it's back.
"Ullo' Sueprised tu see me? De Space Pirates 'ave 'ired me tu keel you, so I 'ope you don't take thees personally," said Cassandra, her speech obviously not impaired through the helmet of her very form fitting Chozo power suit.
Samus quickly switched her target from Meta Ridley to the Sue and fired the power shot she'd been charging. It collided with a strange green barrier that seemed to appear from nowhere, the barrier stopped the shot from progressing but sent a shower of sparks streaking from the underside of the shield towards the Sue, she swore as they scorched her armor.
"O'kay, so we shall embrace brevity in dees encounter," she said as she coaxed her steed into diving after Samus. The bounty hunter managed to make an ungraceful leap to safety at the last second and score a couple of charged shots on Meta Ridley.
The dragon let out a scream of pain and anger as it maneuvered to make a counter-attack. But Cassandra forced it to veer right and gain altitude the second before impact. Keeping one hand on Ridley's neck she twisted her body around so that her arm cannon was aiming at Samus. Opening fire, she sent a volley of missiles and beam shots at the heroine, switching between weapons at an impossible speed, all the while her perfect aim compensating for every evasive maneuver her foe made.
As the attacks found their mark warning lights began to make their way across Samus' visor. Her remaining energy was depleting rapidly as it emptied into her power suits failing shields in a desperate attempt to keep them functional. She quickly realized that her attempts at evasion were getting her nowhere as the alien bounty hunter seemed quite incapable of missing her mark.
Samus quickly worked the controls of her arm cannon as she took aim at her adversary. The end of the weapon folded outward as the internal beam projectors shut down and retracted to make room for the missile launching mechanisms. Samus took aim and proceeded to multi-lock the Sue with her missile spreader. Five missiles launched from her arm cannon simultaneously only to be shot down by the Sue at almost the instant before they found their mark. Samus fired one more missile volley when her heads up display informed her she was out of ammunition. She turned to run and was about to activate her Morph Ball form when she was struck by a Super Missile.
The explosion blew her forward and sent her tumbling across the ground, her visor cracking and and her vision blurring as her head slammed into a rock. She bounced across the ground several more times before rolling to a stop against a lone boulder. She tried to get back up but found that her suit's motivator unit had been destroyed. One-by-one she felt her suits systems began to shut down as her energy reserves ran dry...
"WARNING: LIFE SUPPORT FAILURE IMMINENT!" began to blink across her visor in dim red lights.
Meta Ridley landed in the clearing in front of her a ways. All Samus could do was stare at the creature as it turned to face her and open it's mouth. The last thing Samus ever remembered seeing was the approaching fireball.
-
An army of small green plastic army men began to work their way across the floor of the Library Arcanium, tiny motivators moved their tiny limbs as they moved steadily onward through the commons area, through the kitchen, through the music room until... A great pedestal of chocolate stood before them. The head scout looked around the room, then turned to the captain.
"Captain Crunch sir, there appears to be a short man with a ping pong paddle skewered to the wall with a giant plunger. Do we have permission to engage?"
"Ho Ho Ho, that's a negative solider, we are here on an extraction mission, we do not have orders to initiate a preemptive strike. But be wary, the giant plunger may not be the only trap in the room."
Tyler couldn't believe his eyes. Could he really be seeing a small battalion of small plastic army men marching across the floor? Drake was not going to believe this.
Jared was sitting in Chevila's cab, using a CB radio built into the dash to communicate with the troops.
"Admiral Jared, we are in approach of the sweets, no sign of booby traps so far, we are sending scouts ahead of us to check for landmines."
Landmines? Jared thought, well they were designed to behave like real solders, so it could be expected. Jared turned to the plastic figure on his dashboard.
"General Idea, order your men to bring in the Apache helicopter with grapples to airlift the chocolate off the platform."
The general was just about to relay the order when a transmission crackled over the radio.
"Admiral, we appear to be under attack by a giant stick monster! Major Detail, Colonel O'Korn and Commander Follower have already fallen to it's claws, We need reinforcements... AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
Then a new voice sounded over the radio. "Bad puns and abundant military cliches! Just as I was getting hungry!"
Jared was about to scoop up the general when he noticed he was already rolling out of the hanger in a miniature Sherman tank. Jared stopped the tank with his foot and pulled the general out of it.
"While I appreciate your gusto, I don't think your quite up to Shirley's level little buddy." Jared said.
"Nonsense, why back in Normandy I single handedly strangled 3,000 Nazi's with my bare hands!"
"That seems unlikely."
"That's what the first 2,500 said!"
Jared sighed. "I'm gonna have to find out what it is about you little guys that makes you so delusional."
He stuffed the general in his pocket and took off down the hall to the scene of the battle.
When he arrived the scene was one of absolute carnage. Dead and wounded soldiers lay everywhere, being carried off by tiny medics on stretchers made of Kleenex's and tooth picks, tiny tanks were firing rockets at the Cliche stick which only served to further enrage her, that coupled with the attack helicopter flying just out of her reach served to make her really mad. She scooped up one of the tanks and managed to score a direct hit by throwing it at the helicopter, sending both plummeting to their doom on the ground 8 feet below.
Tyler had somehow managed to get a hand free from behind the giant plunger and was snacking on a bag of popcorn, clearly enjoying the spectacle.
"Sweet John Wayne!" Jared yelled.
"Just like in 'Nam..." said General Idea.
Jared immediately began setting toy troop transports on the ground. "General retreat men! Fall back! Fall back!"
The troops began to slowly make their way to the trucks as Jared held Shirley at bay by shouting various cliches and keeping bookshelves between them. Once the trucks were underway and en route back to Jared's lab, Jared ran over to Tyler and yanked the plunger free. He then swung it as a makeshift baseball bat to try to make Shirley back off, but she just bit it clean in two. She was just about to lunge at Jared when a whole fleet of toy Blackhawk helicopters flew out of the ventilation and opened fire on the Cliche Stick, distracting her. Jared muttered his thanks, gave a brief salute and he and Tyler took off running, Shirley managed to take out two retreating helicopters by throwing books before just before they could retreat into the ventilation.
"Come back here you little plastic sissies!" He heard Shirley yell.
"What were those things?" Tyler asked.
"Those were the Little Plastic Green Beret. I'll be using them as scouts when I go on missions once I get the bugs worked out, but as you can see they can be useful for making diversions too. I was going to observe their resourcefulness by having them 'extract' Adrian's sweets when Shirley showed up and began tearing them apart"
"What's that about Shirley?" Ben asked, joining the two agents as they sprinted by him. "I assume whatever it is involves the reason you're randomly running throughout the library."
And that's when they all ran into Chloe.
"Watch where your going!" she shouted as she tried to drag herself out from beneath the pile of bodies.
"Hello Chloe," Ben said grinning.
"Ben! Get your arm off of my shoulder!" she yelled at him.
"I'd love to, but Tyler is pinning it there."
"Don't look at me, Jared's basically sprawled across my back, I can't move"
"I like chaos." Jared said, swiping some of Tyler's popcorn from the middle of the pile.
"What's going on here?" Tash said as she entered the room.
"Nothing, nothing at all," Jared said, disentangling from the pileup.
"Well, multiple Mary Sues have been spotted in the Metroid Prime fandom, I'm assembling some teams, can the four of you go?" Tash asked.
"Sure, but first let me go rescue my toy army from the claws of a homicidal piece of wood..."
Tash shrugged, most of Jared's requests didn't make sense, she had just learned not to ask.
-
The plan seemed fairly straight forward, three Mary Sues were spaced evenly throughout the second game of the Metroid Prime series, one in the Agon Wastes, one on the Temple Grounds and another located at Torvus Bog on the surface of Dark Aether, which presented a problem.
Ben raised his hand.
"Excuse me, but the atmosphere of Dark Aether is both toxic and corrosive. How are we going to send a team in there without killing them?" he asked.
Tash answered. "Chloe and Aster are the only two who will be going to Dark Aether, Aster's ability to change the composition of the air around her will negate the harmful effects of the atmosphere, and Chloe will be taking Chevila who will no doubt canonize into a Chozo power suit capable of withstanding the atmosphere."
"Careful with her Chloe, she's still hurtin' from her introduction with the wall of Doug's lab." Jared called at his partner from across the briefing room.
"As for you Jared, the Sue in the temple grounds is only a level four. Think you can handle her by yourself?" said Tash.
"No worries,"
"Okay, then Ben, Drake and Tyler, you three will be going after the level six sue in the Agon Wastes. Keep in mind that the wastes are a desert, you should bring plenty of water with you. Now that everybody knows where they're going, get to it and good luck."
"Be careful, Ben," said Lily as she gave him a hug.
"Get a room you two," Drake muttered as he scooped up his Plothole generator on his way out of the room.
-
Jared entered the fandom through a plothole in the cockpit of the disabled Galactic Federation ship called the Tyr. The crew had been in the middle of repairs when a mass of creatures called Dark Splinters had killed them all.
Jared walked over to where the commander had fallen and picked up his laser rifle, normally he was content with just toting his Boomhammer, but the enemies in this fandom were not creatures one should take lightly, and Jared felt a little more comfortable with the futuristic weapon in his possession.
Jared walked out of the crashed ship and turned towards the Great Temple, a large structure that housed the planetary energy of Aether. He figured if he were a Sue, that's where he would be, so that's where he would look first, he walked down the landing ramp a took his first step onto the planet Aether.
Several tiny plotholes opened behind him and several troop transport trucks and helicopters began to appear out of them.
Jared turned to address them. "Men, your job is to search the area around me, report any enemy sightings to General Idea or myself immediately, do not engage unless you are cornered. Do you understand?"
One of the solders raised his hand "You wanted us to report all enemy sightings immediately right?"
Jared looked at the figure. "Yes, why?"
"Because I believe there is a swarm of the creatures this fandom calls 'Dark Splinters' approaching from the north sir"
Jared whipped around. Sure enough a swarm of at least 50 of the giant flightless insects were fast approaching. Troops began running out of the transports and throwing each other tiny plastic munitions.
"Oh crap," was all Jared managed to say.
-
Ben, Shirley, Tyler and Drake stepped through a plothole and the first thing they noticed upon entry to the fandom was that the area they were in was enclosed and full of mining machinery.
"We must be inside the Space Pirates' mining facility," Ben said, "which is good, I'd much rather be in the cool mine then on the hot surface."
Tyler and Drake looked at each other.
"Uh, I don't think either of us should be in charge of the navigating, considering what happened last time me and Tyler dug a tunnel." Drake said, tugging at the bandage on his nose.
"O-kay, lets just go this way then," said Ben, picking a direction more or less at random and beginning to walk. The other three people turned to follow him when a Space Pirate proximity detector went off, sending up red lights and sirens all around them.
"On second thought, the other way has its own charms," Ben said as Pirate Commandos started storming into the room.
-
Aster stepped through her plothole, completely alone.
"Nani? Where is Chloe-chan?" She asked right as a certain 1986 Chevy burst through a plothole right by her at 88 MPH, canonizing instantly. Chloe tumbled to a halt several yards away, she was laughing when Aster ran up to her.
"That was so much fun! I almost had to run the whole length of the runway just to get up to 88 MPH! Jared would have killed me if I wrecked the other wall of his lab, I wonder what's behind that one anyway."
Chevila had canonized into a navy-blue variant of the Light Suit, the only power suit in the game that can completely nullify the effects of Dark Aether's atmosphere. Chloe, who was right handed was having to carry her sword in her left hand seeing as the right was now on the inside of the power suit's arm cannon.
Aster helped her up and the two looked around them. All their environment was was toxic purple swamp water and hideous looking black trees as far as they could see, The two began to walk on metal bridge that crossed the swamps middle, briefly pausing to admire a Luminoth light crystal as it projected its bubble shaped shield that forced back the harmful oxygen of this planet.
"That bubble serves as a safe haven Aster," Chloe explained, pointing. "It protects it's occupants from the hostile environment and can actually kill the Ing if you pump enough light energy into it."
"What does an Ing look like anyway?" Aster asked. Then shadows began moving all over the walls, crawling over every surface at high speed, before settling into strategic positions around the two agents, materializing into giant black grasshopper like creatures with scythe-like claws, single eyes gazing at the two.
"That..."
-
Jared emptied his only ammo clip into the swarm as they drew nearer, killing three of them, then for lack of anything better to do flung the weapon harmlessly into the nearest enemy. The LPGB helicopters made strafing runs into the creatures midst. The tiny bullets weren't capable of penetrating the Splinters skin, but if they managed to score a hit on the eye they could temporarily blind the creatures and stall their advance.
"Epicenter!" Jared yelled, punching the ground. A tidal wave of earth overturned on itself and smothered the nearest wave of attackers, Jared felt proud of himself until he remembered that Splinters were burrowing insects, as the swarm quickly dug itself out from beneath the earth and began to close in on their prey with a new found anger. Jared turned to General Idea.
"We have to hit them harder, they'll over run us in moments if we don't do something!"
The General saluted Jared, "We got that covered sir, we've sent in a request for reinforcements!"
"Really now?" Jared said as he smashed a Splinter that had run ahead of the rest of the swarm with his Boomhammer.
"It's really a shame how fast you get in over your head you know." Doug said as he entered the fandom, he aimed a rocket launcher and fired, wiping out 15 of the giant insects.
"Ah Doug, glad you could join me, I see you've come to make sure I'm not torn apart by Ing possessed insects."
Doug laughed. "Actually I've come to make sure you live long enough to fix my wall, no offense."
"None taken. Tremor!" Jared blew up the ground underneath two Splinters, he was rewarded as by a satisfying crunch as there exoskeletons broke. "I don't suppose you have something that can take care of these guys?" Jared and Doug began to back up, half of Jared's army men lay broken on the entry ramp, Jared began to finger his plothole generator.
"As a matter of fact I do, put this on." Doug tossed Jared a gas mask, Jared looked confused, he just got the mask on when Doug pulled out a small canister like grenade.
"Fangirl strength insecticide, I found it in your lab." Doug said pulling the pin.
"Hey, you can't just take stuff out of my lab!"
"Hey, you did knock my wall down..."
Doug threw the grenade directly into a leaping Splinter, knocking it back, it exploded with a violent force that blew the two agents back into the cockpit. When Jared regained his senses he noticed that the whole area was now covered in an ambient green fog. Dead Splinters lay everywhere, Doug helped him up.
"Well men, we got them! Good work!" Yelled General Idea, who was now missing an arm.
"General, round up your wounded and take them back to my lab, I'll work on fixing you up once this mission is over." Jared said through the gas mask.
Helicopters and trucks immediately began to lift up troops and disappear through plotholes, Doug turned to Jared.
"Got any ideas where this Stu is?"
"I say we go check out the temple first, there's nothing else in this whole area a Stu would be interested in."
"Then what are we waiting for?"
"Nothing, Captain Crunch! Get some troops into a helicopter and scout ahead, contact me via radio if you see anything."
And with that Jared, Doug and the remains of the LPGB made there way towards the great Luminoth Temple...
-
"Don't mess with nukes!" cried Ben, hand outstretched as a warhead detonated behind several pirate commandos. Space Pirates had never encountered a nuke before, much less one that appeared from nowhere. Ben followed up the attack by a long winded continuous note on Bahamut, the beam striking the nearest Pirate.
The Space Pirates drew their laser weaponry and began firing heavy rounds of suppressive fire, forcing the three agents to take shelter an a small outcropping of rocks.
"Fire in the hole!" Shouted Tyler as he flung a grenade he had pulled out of his pouch over the top of one of the rocks. The explosive severely damaged the nearest commandos armor, just about incapacitating him, but still managed to get back up and shout something in an alien language.
"What'd he say?" Drake asked as he beat down a group of Space Pirates that had tried to sneak around to the back of the group.
"He said 'So you like grenades do you?'" Ben answered, tuning Bahamut. His E string was flat...
"You speak Space Pirate?" Said Tyler awed.
"Well I'm not fluent, but I can speak a couple common phrases, you'd be surprised how often 'grenade' pops up in pirate talk,"
The Agents looked at him.
"Hey! I play a lot of Metroid." He said as a pirate EMP grenade was hurled into their midst.
"Oh muffins," said Tyler as the grenade went off.
-
Chloe was having a very difficult time fighting off the Ing warriors, her Power Suit's weight made it difficult to move around very fast, and her left handed swordsmanship was mediocre at best.
An Ing scored a direct hit to her chest with it's claws, throwing her back and weakening her shields. She had access to an entire arsenal of futuristic weaponry in her arm cannon but absolutely no idea how to use it, she fiddled with levers and switches but couldn't actually figure out how to get the thing to shoot.
Aster on the other hand. was moping the floor with the Ing, freezing them in blocks of ice and blowing them into the toxic waters of the Torvas bog. She was just about to fly over and assist Chloe when she was blindsided by a translucent green barrier, causing her to tumble ungracefully to the ground.
"'Ello Chloe, I see you brought a friend to dee party dees time. Aster, ees et not?" Said Cassandra as she dropped down from the sky off of Meta Ridley's back. The Ing all retreated from her presence, shifting into their shadow forms and fleeing.
Chloe pointed her arm cannon at the Sue and began button mashing for all she was worth. Out of sheer luck she got it to switch into Dark Cannon mode and shot a single burst of Dark ammunition at the Sue, who simply Slinked out of the way of the accidental projectile.
"Oh, does dee societee agent not know 'ow to operate dee weaponry in her suit? I woold be most willeng to show you."
Cassandra's own arm cannon switched to Annihilator mode and began fusing light and dark energy together. Her visor locked onto Chloe, she raised her weapon and unleashed the blast as a sonic boom missile combo. The powerful blast blew Chloe off of her feat and off the bridge entirely, depleting her shields way more than it should have. causing her to fall into the toxic swamp of the bog.
The acidity of the water dissolved her sword completely as soon as she broke the surface. Chevila's gravity booster activated automatically, allowing her to move through the liquid normally. She was slightly alarmed when her active weapons display began to shrink.
Warning: Canonization device has been reduced to 96% normal function. Screw Attack and Annihilator Beam have been taken offline in order to maintain stable canonization. Further functionality will be reduced if more damage is taken.
Thankfully the Light suit is impervious to the effects of the water, but if it goes offline I'll be in a world of trouble, she thought to herself.
Then she heard Cassandra scream as Aster threw her into the swamp with a gale force blast of wind. Aster broke the surface a second later in pursuit of her foe...
-
Drake's armor was sporting a fresh dent courtesy of the grenade he had covered, and he was not happy about it.
"Storm Punch!" He yelled as he decked a Space Pirate, the armor around it's neck shattered as the pirates head snapped back, killing him instantly.
Drake was not one to waste any valuable resources and quickly lifted pirates corpse with his left hand and proceeded to use it as a shield, using right hand to work the controls on the pirate's own blaster and gunned down two pirates as they ran into the room.
Tyler zapped a couple with a magic bolts and followed up with an axle staff jab between the eyes of another pirate, knocking him out.
"My coffee makers are not controlled by Hoover Dam computers!" Ben cried, forcing the remaining pirate back through the door.
"Don't mess with nukes!" He yelled, nuking the door itself causing a cave-in in the threshold.
"Well that takes care of the cannon fodder." Drake said as he tossed the corpse of the pirate aside, "So shall we try the other direction?"
The group turned around and made their way towards the opposing door, it opened when they were 10 feet away, revealing an elevator shaft.
"Hi Tyler, did you miss me?" Asked Relyt as he jumped into the room, staff drawn. Tyler reached into his pouch, pulled out a kitchen sink and flung it at him.
Relyt nimbly leapt aside.
"Ha, did you expect that to work on me a second time?"
"No, that's why I brought this."
"What?" Relyt asked, then Tyler hit him with a toilet.
"I don't even want to know where you got that," muttered Drake.
He and were about to turn and help when Ekard appeared from behind them and tackled Drake, managing to score a good number of sucker punches before Drake managed flipped over and kicked him in the stomach.
Ekard flipped in the air and turned to face his nemesis. "Drought Kick!" He yelled as he leapt at Drake. Drake sidestepped, grabbed in Ekard mid-leap and flung him into the ground.
Ben turned to face the elevator and raised Bahamut. "Well Neb, I suppose it's just you and me."
There was no motion from inside the elevator, Ben relaxed his stance.
"Oh yeah, that's right..."
Then he felt a sharp pain in his right cheek as a razor sharp knife was raked across it.
Ben clapped his hand to his cheek, when he pulled it away he could clearly see that he that the strike had drawn blood.
A voice came from the shadows. "I might not be your late adversary, but will I do?" Asked Eolhc as she stepped out into the open.
Ben winced. "I'm flattered, but I already have a girlfriend."
Shirley raised her claws, "Nobody cuts my punching bag!" She yelled as she leapt at Eolhc.
-
A small Apache helicopter made it's way towards the temple as it flew over Aether's war-torn landscape, with Jared following a short way behind it. The going was far too easy for Jared's liking, it was almost as if someone was wanting him to reach the temple. He picked up his portable radio.
"Calling Captain Crunch, calling Captain Crunch, report."
"No sign of hostiles sir, we are in approach of the temple now, their appears to be a large antenna like structure attatched to the roof, it does not appear to be of Luminoth design. Do we have permission to investigate?"
"That's a negative, hold your position and await further orders."
That's funny, I don't remember any antennas in this game, lets see what my new invention makes of it, Jared thought as he pulled a tiny digital camera out of his pocket. He pointed it at the distant temple and set the zoom to max, sure enough there was an antenna sticking out of the roof. Then Jared hit the shutter button, the camera's screen immediately locked up and began shimmering, the words "analyzing, please wait." appeared in the middle of the screen, when the picture came back into focus the antenna was missing, with a pink outline indicating where it had been before it was edited out. That's when he was startled by a sudden booming voice filling the area.
"Interesting toy you have there. What do you call it?" Doug asked.
"The Canon Camera, it uses mathematical probability and trends in the fandom's plotline to generator pictures of what a fandom should look like if they were free from non canon influence, subtle things can escape it however if they are close enough to canon to escape the sensors notice." Jared called out.
"Interesting," said a man who might as well have been Jared's messy haired twin dressed in cargo pants and a brown leather jacket stepped out from the shadows.
"Who are you?" Jared asked.
"I am Deraj, tech specialist of the Pro-Cliche and Mary Sue Protection Society, I believe you can be of great service to our cause."
"Why would I want to help you?" Jared asked, raising his Boomhammer.
"What makes you think I'm giving you a choice?" Deraj said as he gripped a shining crowbar he slipped out of his jacket sleeve and lowered a weird looking visor over his eyes.
Without even a word of warning the man charged at Jared, raising the crowbar above his head.
"Flashbar!" He shouted as he brought it down.
"Boomhammer!" Jared yelled as he countered with his own weapon.
There was a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder... Deraj skidded back several feet, completely unharmed. Jared just dropped his hammer and clapped a hand over his eyes, all he could see was flashing dots and a white blur.
"Careful Doug! He's using some kind of light based weaponry! Don't look at it, it will blind you!" Jared yelled, feeling around for his dropped weapon.
Doug drew his dagger, morphed it into sword form and lunged at Deraj, Deraj sidestepped, although not fast enough to avoid Doug cutting deeply into his arm through his jacket.
"You'll pay for that! Flash bar!" Deraj slammed his crowbar into the back of Doug's knee, Doug's forward momentum cushioned the blow however and he was able to twist around and deliver another cut to Deraj's leg.
"Not bad!" Deraj said as he took a step back and pressing on his wound. "At first I thought our intel on you was exageratted, now I see it was completly justified."
"It seems you know alot more about me than I do about you." Doug remarked.
"That I do... and once I have beaten you I look forward to AUUGGHHH!" Deraj was blown through the air as Jared's Boomhammer slammed into his backside.
"I made not be able to see you, but as long as you keep running your yap I can still find you well enough."
"Don't you know it's rude to inturrupt when people are talking?" Deraj asked, raising his visor.
"Jared, stay back, he's up to something and your just a liability without your eyesight." Doug barked.
"Oh aren't we the brave one? You seem to be able to evade my flash bar without much trouble, but do you think you'll have as much luck against a very force of nature? Subduction!" Deraj reached his hand towards Doug, the halfling didn't even have time to react as the ground underneath him imploded and buried him up to his waist.
Deraj drew his revolver and took aim at Doug's head. "I Believe your time is up, monsieur Douglas..." He said as he pulled the pulled the trigger...
-
A lone figure scaled down the face of a mountain in the Agon Wastes.
Once the region had been a beautiful grassland, lush and full of life. Then the Leviathan Seed had impacted and infected the planet with the great poison, tearing Aether's planetary energy in half and creating the world the Luminoth called Dark Aether.
Tiny motivator units creaked and groaned in a mechanical limb as he made his way slowly down the mountain. The climbing was difficult, the previous occupant of this body must not have conditioned his muscles to this type of activity.
Far below him lay the entrance of the Space Pirates mine. It was heavily guarded with Elite Pirate Commandos positioned around a strange looking antennae, but he wasn't interested in it . The pirates would try to stop him getting into the mine but they were merely obstacles as far as he was concerned.
Suddenly, his foot slipped from his hold and he began to tumble, only his mechanical reflexes saved him, enabling him to grip the surface of the sheer rock before he fell very far.
A jolt of lightning ran through his brain...
-
Falling.
Darkness.
Pain.
Falling.
Falling.
Oblivion.
-
The mechanical half of quickly sent a jolt of electricity through his remaining living brain cells, driving the fleeting impression from conscious thought.
A moment later, he came to a rest on a small ledge a few feet wide.
Two pirate aerotroopers swooped towards him, shouting something at him in their strange language. His computer brain instantly began to analyze their vocal patterns.
Language Identified: Space Pirate.
Fandom of Use: Metroid, most notably the Prime series.
Translation in Progress... 36%... 58%... 86%... Complete.
"What are you? Some sorta freak of nature?"
Verbal Response: None necessary.
Nonverbal response: Eliminate without prejudice, avoid alerting ground troops to presence.
Stealth mode disengaged. Weapon activation in progress, engage when ready.
The whole thought had only taken half of a second, but when the split-second was over the strange figure raised his scarred left hand and pointed it at the head of the nearest trooper. The end of his ring finger collapsed, retracted and fired a small armor piercing bullet, penetrating the pirate's skull before he had even knew what was happening.
The other pirate immediately put on evasive maneuvers and began to fire missile barrages at the figure on the edge of the cliff, the figure's computer enhanced brain immediately began planning a counterattack.
Incoming missiles, anti-missile fire initiated... Missiles destroyed.
Targeting Aerotrooper... Target locked. Fuel pumps have begun filling ignition chamber with petroleum jelly... Ignition chamber is full, petroleum jelly reserves are at 98.657%
Compensating for wind velocity and relative motion of target, firing explosive burst...
Aerotrooper has been neutralized... Chance of recovery: 16.7%
New Data: Fire from initial burst now coming into contact with aerotroopers fuel tanks... Aerotrooper has exploded... Chance of recovery: 0%
WARNING: Unit has been detected by ground troops, incoming suppressive fire...Stealth mode reengaged.
Pirates appear to be confused by stealth camouflage... Firing explosive bursts into midst of pirates... Pirates are in retreat...
Proceeding as planned...
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