Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Insert The Best of Both Worlds Here (part 5 of 5)

The lights returned to a normal level, and Adrian could see that all of the other agents had fallen to the floor with dazed looks on their faces.

"Tey have been drawn into muy fanteseey world, Liebrian, your sixth sense 'as saved ou, but fortunately, I 'av something else for you!"

Adrian scarcely had time to react as a small rocket burst through the wall and hit the ground in front of him. Adrian picked up the unconscious forms of Drake and Doug and hurled them to safety. Time seemed to move in slow motion as the rocket's casing flew apart due to the explosion inside it expanding.

"Librarian Art 7: Mystery Vanish!" He yelled, throwing a smoke pellet to the ground.

The wall the missile came through suddenly collapsed as Osiris strode into the room; the ballistic missile launcher on his right arm was still smoking. Its computer brain immediately began processing its surroundings.
Ballistic missile count: two remaining...

Target has disappeared, engaging stealth camouflage and thermal/motion track.

Target has been found in the rafters, firing grapple.

Adrian was astonished that this THING could spot him without even looking. It simply raised its left arm and the whole hand shot off at the wrist to grab Adrian around the neck. Osiris gave the cable connecting his hand to the rest of his arm a mighty tug, and Adrian was suddenly flying through the air towards Chevila.

Adrian crashed through the windshield and out the back window of the pickup, receiving numerous cuts from the broken glass.

"I seem to have underestimated you..." Adrian coughed, getting up, and drawing Hoshikuzu to sever the cable that connected the hand around his throat to the arm it belonged to.

Osiris walked towards the pick-up truck, his computer brain whirring.

Target has entered engineering section, retracting grapple cable, disengaging stealth camouflage...

Recalling hand...

The hand around Arian's throat suddenly let go and began to crawl back to its owner.

"Isn't Bluetooth a wonderful thing?" came a voice from Adrian's right. He turned in time to see Sirahc and Hpotsirc approaching from another one of the engineering section's walkways. Sirahc appeared to be carrying a macbook with her, which was prompting her to enter a command.

"This program I wrote for Deraj is wonderful. I just type in whatever I want the Osiris unit to do, and it's added to his list of objectives. Watch!" Sirahc began to type. "K-I-L-L A-D-R-I-A-N!" Osiris picked up his hand and reconnected it with a fluid-like motion, and then without a pause he lifted Chevila without the slightest show of effort and hurled it at the Librarian.

Tools, spare parts and gadgets shot out of the bed like shrapnel as Chevila followed its drunken flight course through the air.

Adrian leapt to the side as the truck slammed into the ground beside him, landing on its side and skidding.
Adrain twisted around just in time to block a strike from Hpotsirc.

"Librarian Art 2: A Thousand Words in an Instant!" Adrian yelled, vanishing into a flurry of sword strokes. Hpotsirc managed to block some of the strikes, but the sheer volume of the attack made it impossible to block even a significant fraction of them.

"You'll pay for that!" Hpotsirc said, nursing numerous wounds where Adrian's attack had penetrated his armour.

Adrian noticed a thick metal cable next to Hpotsirc that was probably used for maintenance; Adrian quickly scooped it up and tied it into a loop. Hpotsirc lunged at him, Adrian sidestepped and slipped the loop over him, and he let it slide to the ankles before yanking it tight.

"Woah!" Hpotsirc yelled, as he toppled over.

"I don't have time for you; you're just a secondary concern," Adrian said, lifting Hpotsirc over his head and flinging him over the rail.

Hpotsirc's whole life flashed before his eyes as he fell towards the bottom of the engineering section; that is, before the maintenance cable went taut. He called out in pain as the force of the sudden stop pulled one of his ankles out of its socket, but at least he was alive.

Adrian had only a few seconds to mentally celebrate his victory before he was instantly hit in the back by a volley of burning napalm.

"There goes another trench coat..." He said, whipping the burning garment off. Instead of simply casting it aside, he ran Hoshikuzu through it. A significant amount of Napalm smeared off the trench coat and onto the blade. Crystal gleamed as the light from the fire reflected off of it.

Adrian waved his flaming sword at Osiris as he cast the burning trench coat over the edge of the walkway.

"Ready for round two?"


"Where are we?" Asked Aster, walking through rows and rows of work benches.

"This is the main lab of the Library's Science Hall," Charis answered, "But how did we get here?"

"You're not!" Came a booming voice.

Ben winced, "I know that voice, please no..."

"Hello Ben!" Shouted Fred, the Great Persona of Crack, "And goodbye!" He said, pointing at the group. His moustache configured itself into a wicked zigzag as a tidal wave of potatoes surged forth towards them.

"My coffee makers are not controlled by Hoover Dam computers!" Ben shouted, extending his arm.

Coffee met potatoes in a brilliant collision, but in the end the potatoes won out and forced the coffee back. The agents were instantly swept under by a wave of soggy potatoes.

"Why is Fred trying to kill us?" Ben said, poking his head out of the pile.

"E's not!" Came a purring voice, "I em pulling emajes from Jared's 'ead, if you wish to save 'im, ou must defeat them. Good luck!"

"For a second there, I thought maybe Fred was the kind to hold a grudge!" Tyler said, surfacing by Ben.

"How do you know Fred?" Ben asked.

"I beat him in an eating contest once..." Tyler responded.


"How do you think he got to be 800 pounds?"

"Duck!" Cristoph shouted, popping out and dragging Ben and Tyler back into the potatoes as blue energy bolts tore across the sky.

"What was that?" Aster asked, as the agents dug their way out the other side of the potato mound.

"That would be Chevila from the time she canonized into a transformer," Chloe promptly answered, drawing her sword.

Chloe's statement was confirmed as the group heard the sound of shifting metal and burning rubber.

"I'll take care of this!" Aster proclaimed as the truck came in sight. She placed her hand on the ground and covered it with a layer of ice. As Chevila's tires lost their grip and the truck began to lose control, Doug took aim with his RPG and fired a shot into the truck's undercarriage. The grenade ignited the gas tank and Chevila was blown into the air as a piece of flaming wreckage.

"Incoming mortar fire!" Kyle shouted. The agents took cover once again in the mashed potatoes as the incoming explosive harmlessly burst outside of its effective range.

"Fire at will!" came the voice of a now life-sized General Idea. The super-sized LPGB raised their rifles and began firing bursts of ammunition into the potatoes, but Aster quickly summoned a barrier of ice to absorb the shots.

"Eat Big Lipped Alligator Moment!" Charis yelled, pulling out the BLAM contraption and firing.

The Large Plastic Green Beret suddenly found themselves by the pool of a giant Barbie Dreamhouse, where they immediately began dancing and partying with all of the Barbies occupying the vicinity.

"That is wrong on soooo many levels..." Drake said, averting his stare.

"It was the only thing I had that was sure to stop them," Charis said, holstering the BLAM.

"The BLAM only lasts a few moments, Ben, get ready to nuke them!" Tyler said, watching with sick fascination as General Idea and Ken got into a drunken brawl over Barbie.

The scene faded away and the LPGB once again drew their weapons, only to be blown away by several of Ben's nukes.

"Aren't we forgetting someone?" Doug said, as he began reloading his RPG, only to realize he had used up all of his grenades.

"Yes indeed!" Came Fred's booming voice. The agents turned to look back at him.

The Persona's moustache turned into the shape of a frown as he crossed his arms. "Stop staring at my enormous man-boobs! My eyes are up here!" He said, before charging at the group, causing the entire floor to shake with every step.

"All in favour of a scene transition?" Tyler asked, activating the device.


Five Uber Stus lunged at Adrian; one sweep of his blazing sword took care of them.

"Napalm is truly dangerous stuff, you know, you shouldn't use it if you don't want it to be used against you too!" Adrian said as the Stus faded away into nothing.

Osiris stood perfectly still, with his camera eyes taking in every tiny detail about his opponent with perfect clarity.

Napalm levels: 47% and falling

Society Agent Adrian does not appear to be weakening, use of mini-gun recommended.

Mini-gun failure: Mini-gun has been removed as of version 2.0, engage stealth camouflage...

Adrian went tense as Osiris faded from sight. With all of the smoke filling the walkways, Osiris was effectively invisible. He didn't know what to do, until he spotted Chevila.

"Let's hope this thing still runs!" He said, ramming into it and pushing it back onto its wheels.

Adrian glanced around nervously as he opened the door and turned the key in the ignition, but the truck did start with a weak grumble.

"How do you turn on the headlights for this thing? Oh yeah." Adrian said, clapping. Chevila's sole remaining headlight came on with a weak flutter. Adrian flipped it to its brightest setting and began to burnout, weaving the truck in a tight circle. The headlight's beam traced its way along the far wall of the engineering section as he spun the truck around, until it came to a point where the light couldn't seem to make it all the way to the wall. Fixing itself on something much closer instead, the light was wavy and rippled, as if it were being bent around an object.

"There you are!" Adrian smirked as he put on the truck's parking brake. "Boot to the head!"

Adrian vanished from the driver's seat right as Osiris' finger gun blew away what little was left of the windshield of the truck. Appearing right above the shimmering mass of light, "SCHWOOSH-FWUMP!" Adrian's boot made contact, and Osiris jolted suddenly back into the visible spectrum, with an enormous boot print across his distorted face.

Adrian swung his blazing sword next, and it cut clean through Osiris' mechanical arm as if it were made of paper. The flaming blade ignited Osiris' store of napalm causing a fire to begin burning inside its body. Flames ran freely from the wound like blood.

Osiris' head swam with a flood of data. Adrian's attack had obviously caused damage to one of its primary circuits.










"So, you don't like head shots, do you?" Adrian asked rhetorically as Osiris lurched about chaotically.

Osiris flailed its arm spastically as two missiles launched and made their way towards Adrian.

"Librarian Art 6: Shield of Silence" Adrian said, causing both missiles to explode harmlessly against his invisible barrier.



"Mxbrtexblydisbrgth!" Osiris stuttered, through failing overloaded speakers.

"I didn't quite catch that." Adrian said, raising his sword for a killing strike.

"I said, you smell like death! As one who has experienced it, I would know." Neb's voice said, as his particle cannon activated and fired.

Adrian was blown back. The particle cannon had taken him completely by surprise, and he skidded to a halt on his back, wounded and bleeding twenty feet away.

"Remember the Alamo!" came a voice as Captain Crunch leapt down from the rafters and landed in Osiris' hair.

"Get out of there!" Osiris commanded, once again in Neb's voice as it tried to get its damaged joints to respond.

Captain Crunch pulled out his knife and slashed away several locks of hair. Underneath, there was a tiny layer of metal labelled "EXTERNAL MEMORY ACCESS: DO NOT REMOVE" in all red letters.

"This looks important!" Crunch said, placing a LPGB-sized C4 charge and jumping off. Halfway to the ground he pulled his parachute cord, and a miniature parachute sprung from his pack as he descended to the ground.

"I've got you now!" Osiris said, rounding on the little man.

"No, I've got you!" Crunch said, pulling out his detonator and pressing the button.

A little burst of flame shot out from the back of Osiris' head; the figure lurched, twisted, and fell to the floor in a puddle of burning napalm.

"Woah, it's gonna take them quite a while to stitch that guy up!" Crunch commented as he landed on the ground a safe distance away.


"Come out, little people! Fred just wants to play a game with you!" The simulated Fred shouted, as he waddled around the lab.

"That's supposed to make us want to come down?" Tyler asked, as he and the other agents manoeuvred around the rafters Aster had flown them up into.

Doug sat opposite of Tyler, aiming a sniper rifle.

"Don't bother, Doug, you're just going to make him angry," Ben warned.

"We'll see about that!"

Doug pulled the trigger. The bullet flew from the sniper, spinning towards Fred, and hit him in the backside where it sank into one of his many folds of fat, never to be seen again.

Fred spun around and looked in the direction the bullet came from, starting to point and chant.

"Run!" Ben said, sprinting from rafter to rafter.

"Why?" Doug asked.

"Fred taught me to control and use everything I know! That means he can do it too! But far better!" Ben yelled, grabbing a chain and using it to swing across the gap, before hurling it back to Charis.

Doug shouldered the rifle and sprang after the rest of the agents, but not before hearing the distinctive shout:

"MY nukes mess with YOU!" Fred shouted. A giant coconut appeared in the midst of the group in the rafters, with the symbol for radiation hazard painted on it.

The coconut nuke exploded, forcing the metal beams of the rafters outward, some of them even beginning to fall. The agents were splattered with coconut milk and thrown from the beams, falling too.

Doug managed to use his left hand to grab one of the beams as he fell, and with his right hand he un-holstered his sniper rifle and grabbed it by the barrel; Chloe managed to grab hold of it as she fell; Tyler and Ben each managed to grab onto one of her legs. Aster managed to catch Charis; Drake, Cristoph and Kyle didn't need catching because they had managed to stay on the beams despite the explosion.

"Charis, BLAM this guy, we need something to distract him while me, Cristoph and Kyle pull Doug and the rest up!" Drake yelled.

"No can do, BLAMs can't be used more than once!" Charis yelled, as Aster flew to one side to avoid being hit by a falling stack of mashed potatoes.

"Hey, Cristoph, I have an idea! Get down here and get my copyright darts!" Doug shouted. "Hurry, I'm slipping!"

The whole beam shifted and Doug struggled to keep a grip on both the agents and the beam.

Cristoph leapt off of the beam, twisting around to let Kyle grab onto his feet, while he reached into Doug's holster and pulled out his gun. He began loading the darts.

"What do you want me to do with this, Lord Doug?" Cristoph asked.

"Shoot Fred!"

"Lord Doug, I am not trained in the use of firearms!"

"Toss it up to Drake then!"

Cristoph tossed the gun; Drake caught it, took aim and fired.

The dart struck Fred in the stomach causing the false persona to look at it quizzically.

"What's this?" He asked before vanishing in a puff of smoke. The copyright dart clattered to the ground.

At the same time, the beam gave way.

"This is it," Ben thought, "Even the fast step can't save me from falling."

"This is gonna hurt!" Doug yelled, figuring the fall might not kill him, but it would probably break every bone in his body.

SPLAT! The agents landed in a pile of mashed potatoes.

"I don't know whether to be thankful or disgusted," Kyle said, digging himself out of the potatoes.

"Goofph!" Tyler shouted through a mouthful of the coffee-soaked side dish.

"What happened?" Aster asked, lowering Charis to the ground.

"That wasn't the real Fred," Doug explained. "He's Jared's thoughts twisted by a Sue, so by copyrighting him I untwisted him. He ceased to exist the second he was copyrighted."

"Well, now that's taken care of, let's go find Jared!" Chloe shouted, wiping potato matter off of herself.

"I'm already here!" Jared announced. All of the agents turned to face him.


"Sir Adrian! Are you alright?" Captain Crunch asked as ran up to Adrian.

"I'm fine, really," Adrian said, standing up. There was a nasty burn on his chest where the particle beam had torn through his chest; he would need to visit the infirmary when they returned to the Library.

Adrian picked up his sword. The napalm had begun to burn down, but on the whole the sword was still very much alight along the length of its blade.

Sirahc took off running. Adrian briefly considered pursuit, but capturing Sirahc was not why he was there; he was on a rescue mission. Anything beyond rescuing the Sue Storm-affected agents was a secondary objective.

Adrian turned back towards Deraj's lab, and Captain Crunch scarcely had time to grab onto his tail as he ran by.

"Wait a minute here! I don't run as fast as you do!"

As Adrian sprinted off, Captain Crunch adjusted his grip just in time to see a group of Uber Stus carrying fire extinguishers try and put out the fire that was the mechanical corpse of Osiris.


"NO! NO! NO!" Cassandra shouted, as the room lit up in a flash. "You can't have beaten my fantasy!"

"It's over Cassandra, give it up!" Jared shouted, waking up and completely pulling off the restraints that held him to the table.

Cassandra's hands began to glow.

"Don't try it!" Adrian yelled, hurling his flaming sword into the room. The blade caught the sleeve of the Sue's shirt and pinned her to the wall. It was pure Sueishness that kept her shirt from burning.

Kyle ran over to the Sue and prohibited her, but to his surprise she began sobbing.

"I suppose you're quite pleased with yourself!" She hissed venomously, in what was obviously an American accent.

Jared's jaw dropped. "Come again?" He asked, not sure he had heard the Sue correctly.

"You heard me!" Cassandra shrieked, again with the same accent.

"Cassandra! Your accent!" Chloe couldn't help but shout.

"I admit it!" She shouted, beginning to sob again. "I'm not actually French! I just adopted that accent to make myself sound more 'ulluring!" She tried to say the last word of her sentence with the usual accent, but failed miserably, which caused further fits of sobbing.

"Uh, is not being French the worst thing in the world? I don't see why you're so upset." Aster asked. Cassandra just wailed more loudly.

"I don't want to live anymore!" Cassandra shouted, elbowing Kyle in the groin and turning around to face the Sue Storm machine. She reached out, grabbed the power meter, and twisted it to a setting labelled: "Up To Eleven".

Sparks began flying from the machine, parts started flying off in random bursts, and the whole ship started shaking.

"What have you done?" Deraj said, limping into the room just as several alarms started going off.

"The whole ship's going down! We need to get out of here!" Adrian shouted, grabbing Cassandra and running back into the engineering section.

"Stop! You'll pay for what you've done!" Deraj shouted, struggling to limp after the fleeing agents. Jared felt a bullet whiz past his head and sparks burst along the wall as Deraj desperately tried to stop the agents from escaping.

"Ah, faithful Chevila, still running after all you've been through." Jared said affectionately, brushing glass off of his seat as he got in the cab.

"To be quite honest, I'm surprised this truck is this intact!" Chloe said, hopping in through the passenger door.

"Hurry up back there!" Jared yelled out the window as the other agents struggled to catch up.

"Easy for you to say, you aren't trying to handle a suicidal formerly-French Sue!" Drake yelled, stopping Cassandra from once again hurling herself over the edge of the walkway. "Seriously, all this fuss over an accent..."

Eventually, once all of the agents and the prohibited Sue had gotten into the truck, Jared shifted into drive and fired up the plothole generator. The next thing the agents knew, they were back at the Library...


"Well, Chloe, it looks like I'm out four windows, several coats of paint, numerous dents and impacts, 24 LPGB soldiers and one Boomhammer. But at least I got the Sue; would you still count this mission as a success?" Jared asked, surveying his truck.

"Well, everything you lost can be replaced, but I'm not sure what you mean by saying YOU got the Sue. All you did was get captured and hallucinate actually going on missions and doing work," Chloe joked. "Speaking of which, have you recovered from whatever Cassandra did to you?"

Jared frowned. "In all honesty, no. I keep having flashback of memories that aren't mine. Some of them might even be Cassandra's, to be honest; it's awfully hard to distinguish memory from reality sometimes."

Chloe rubbed Jared on the back. "Well, we're all here for you. We'll help in whatever way we can. I'll tell you what, I'll get started working on Chevila. You go get some rest. You hear?"

"Seriously?" Jared asked, looking up. "You'd do that?"

"Yes, I would. Jared, I'm your partner. If you can't rely I me then what good am I?"

"Thanks Chloe, I appreciate that. First I'll go put in my shift in monitor duty, and then I'll go lie down for a few hours. I owe you one."

Jared got up and left, but Chloe noticed that he seemed to be slightly willy-nilly; he kept zig-zagging pointlessly as he walked down the science hall. He was also whistling the tune of some song that seemed too heavy to match his usual motif of country classics. Chloe was worried about him.


Jared was having a hard time keeping focused at the monitor station and Dave was muttering in his pockets about looking for a mint. Jared was about to ask if he could have one before he was cut off by a beeping from the monitor, and the realization that he actually hated mints.

"Which fandom?" Tash asked.

"Hard to tell, the fan base is kind of small..." Dave added.

"Let me try," Jared said, humming the Canadian national anthem as he began typing on the keyboard. Dave and Tash exchanged looks; Jared was acting strange, even for Jared.

"What the hell is Bonekickers?" Jared asked, suddenly blushing over the fact he had just sworn casually, something he always avoided.

The conversation about the fandom went on for a minute or two as Dave described the fandom.

"Looks like we get some action after all!" Jared said, despite the fact he really didn't feel like going on a mission at the moment.

"If the main characters are Archaeologists, then they'll notice disturbances caused by earth magic, and you won't be able to get close enough to use the Boomhammer without losing a limb." Tash said. Jared didn't bother reminding her that he was short one Boomhammer at the moment.


Jared tried helping monitor the mission as best as he could, but he kept losing focus. Tash eventually relieved him of duty and sent him away.

"I need a vacation," Jared admitted at last, before going off to fetch his suitcase.

"Are you going somewhere?" Chloe asked, walking into Jared's room and catching him in the act of packing.

"I'm leaving the society, not permanently. But long enough..." Jared said, throwing his Klingon dictionary into the suitcase.

"Where are you going?" Chloe asked.

"The Star Trek fandom, planet Vulcan specifically. If anybody can help speed up my recovery, it's them. Plus they have some excellent scientific equipment I'd love to play around with. Maybe I'll even construct a model II Boomhammer while I'm there."

"Well, one thing's for sure; if you're going, I'm going!"

"Chloe, you don't have to do that..."

"Jared, you can barely think straight, you don't speak the language, and I doubt you'll be able to survive on your own cooking ability. You'll be dead in a week if I don't come along. I'm not sure if you've even thought this through; Tash told me how you were acting in the monitor room..."

"That's precisely why I'm leaving. I'm in no condition to go on any missions and I'll just be getting in the way if I stay here."

"Very well, get your bags; we leave as soon as we're packed."


"Admiral, you aren't seriously leaving us..." General Idea asked.

"Yes, General, but it's just for a little bit. Do you promise me you'll behave while I'm gone."

Idea looked confused. "When have we ever misbehaved?" He asked, making Chloe snort.

"And another thing," Jared continued. "No leaving the lab!"

"But General, Nazi and Communist forces are at work in the Library, surely we must be allowed to..."

"You have your orders, General!"

"I... ah...very well, sir..." General Idea saluted Jared, and Jared saluted the General in return. He then turned around and made his way to the door, pulling a switch on the wall on his way out.

For the first time since he'd joined the Society, the lights in Jared's lab when out one by one. The rows of lights all shut off until the room was perfectly black and still. Jared turned and cast another look into the room.

"Having second thoughts?" Chloe asked.

"No. This is the right thing to do, but I'll still miss it. Now come on, we have some goodbyes we have to say..."

Jared walked back in the commons, where he was bombarded by balloons and confetti. Word had gotten around that he was leaving, so everybody had organized a combination going away/get well soon party in his and Chloe's honour.

"What's all this?" Jared shouted in surprise.

"It's just a little gift for our favourite redneck," Karissa said, tossing Jared a box that contained Johnny Cash's complete discography. He just about cried.

Jared was having quite a time at the party, except for the music they were playing. Nobody present at the party liked country music, so they hadn't been able to provide any on such short notice, but Jared noticed that there was a guitar in the corner.

"Go ahead!" Chloe said. "You know you want to."

"Alright," Jared said, picking up the guitar and walking up to the stage. Chloe herself unplugged the speakers.

"I'd like to thank you all for doing this for me; I want you all to know that I will be back. I just need some time away to collect myself. If you need to contact me, I will have my communicator. Now before I go I'd like to play you all a song; I've gotten many requests, but screw you all, I'm going to play anyway."

And with that, Jared struck a few chords on the guitar and began to sing:

"I knew the stakes were high right from the start.
When she dealt the cards, I dealt my heart.
Now I just found a game that I can't play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away. "

The PCMSPS spacecraft performed an emergency landing on the planet Norian in order to begin engine repairs, and deep within the engine rooms Deraj and Retsa were in the middle of a discussion.

"That Sue trashed your Sue Storm device. Your experiment was a failure, Deraj..."

"Not so, Retsa, we found out it worked didn't it? Now the real fun begins..."

"What are you planning on doing now?"

"Cassandra only destroyed the prototype. The real Sue Storm device is currently in the planning stages..."

"When will it be ready?"

"Soon, Retsa, soon."

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