Thursday, February 24, 2011

Insert Hackneyed Woo Foo Scrolls Here

"Okay, people," Tash told the Society as soon as they'd gathered for the meeting she'd called. "After the trouble that Michael had in the DBZ fandom, our techies came up with a new tool to help us. Here it is," she said, holding up what looked like a golden stopwatch.

"What is it?" Adrian, a tall, white-haired boy dressed entirely in black.

"Yes," Marcus said. "Do tell."

"It's called a Scene Transition," Tash explained. "Using it, you can escape a Sue or Stu in an emergency. When it ends, you'll be out of their clutches."

"Sweet!" Blake cheered.

"What's the catch?" Michael asked, rubbing one of his bruises. "There has to be one—like how a Prohibitor has to touch a Sue for at least a second to erase everything."

"You have to be careful not to overuse it," Tash said. "If you skip too much, the story falls apart. Also, time still passes around you when you use it, and you never know exactly how you'll end up when it's over, save for the fact that you'll still be alive."

"Incidentally," said Harriet, a blonde girl slightly shorter than Tash. "We have another Sue in a fandom I've never heard of. Is anyone here familiar with 'Yin Yang Yo!'?"

Marcus was the only one who raised his hand.

"Oh, do all of you have grudges against American cartoons?" he asked, looking around.

Everyone shrugged as he grabbed the Scene Transition and headed off into the fandom.


Upon arriving in the fandom, Marcus felt a few unexpected sensations, such as a breeze across his backside, bright sunlight in his eyes, and an urge to collect shiny objects and store them in his den to admire.

When he looked at his reflection in a nearby pond he discovered why—he was now a raccoon, with no glasses or clothing below the waist.

"Of course," he said to himself. "There are no humans in this fandom, and a lot of the characters don't wear pants."

This wasn't the first time that Marcus' appearance had changed in a fandom, but it was by far the weirdest. He'd never changed species before.

Once he got over the initial weirdness of being a two-dimensional bipedal raccoon (it took less time than you'd think), Marcus went to the town to obtain information.

When he got to the town, Marcus found the citizens crowding beside the street, watching a parade go by.

"What's the occasion?" Marcus asked Coop, the nerdy chicken who was currently holding the old Night Master's evil.

"You haven't buck-buck heard?" Coop clucked. "We're buck-buck celebrating the buck destruction of Eradicus."

"Yin, Yang, and Yo defeated him?" Marcus inquired, having a bad feeling he already knew the answer.

"Are you kidding?" replied Master Yo, the grumpy, old, and possibly last Woo Foo master or panda left, who was standing on Marcus' right with his students Yin and Yang, his pink and blue rabbit twin students. "I'm too lazy, and they're too undisciplined!"

"Hey!" Yin and Yang objected.

"Then who did defeat him?" Marcus asked.

"Take a buck look," Coop said, pointing at the next float. "Here she comes buck-buck now."

And there she was: an absolutely adorable purple rabbit girl with a bamboo sword slung across her back, looking so humble, despite her own parade. Next to her was the goat-like town president (not mayor—PRESIDENT!), President Muffin, milking it up as usual.

"Her name's Chi," Yang said. "Well, that's all I remember. She has the longest name I've ever heard."

"She showed up two days ago and used Woo Foo to destroy Eradicus and his minions." Yin elaborated.

"Now Woo Foo is finally getting the respect it deserves again," Master Yo finished. "I've already asked her to take over he dojo and take them off my hands so I can do whatever it is old people do when they finally have free time," he said, gesturing to his students.

Yin and Yang couldn't be happier about their new, not-grumpy master.

Marcus sighed. Chi had already charmed the heroes in this fandom. He'd have to gain help elsewhere.


The first choice for assistance was an easy one to make. There was one character in this fandom that would take this new rabbit girl's appearance and actions more personally than anyone, and was guaranteed not to like anyone, anyway. It was difficult locating him, but Marcus finally found him skinny dipping in the Stink Aardvark's slime moat.

"Excuse me," Marcus said, getting his attention.

The character replied with a loud belch, a scratch of his stomach, and a mean look toward the agent. Normally, Marcus would be at least a little insulted, but such was to be expected from Yuck, the unhygienic green rabbit formed from all the combined bad aspects of Yin and Yang.

"What do you want?" he growled. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You've heard of Chi, right?" the raccoon boy replied.

"Of course I have, stupid!" Yuck snarled. "That goody-goody freak destroyed Eradicus and took away my chance of being the greatest Woo Foo knight ever!"

"I thought so," Marcus said, not bothering to note that Yuck could never achieve such a title due to a lack of patience and ethics. "Well, how'd you like to beat her and take the title from her?"

Yuck thought for a second, then sneered and asked, "And why do you want me to do that?"

"I'm Agent Marcus of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, here to arrest her for crimes against stories, and I could really use your help to bring her in. You're already stronger than Yin and Yang combined, and I need some muscle."

"Flattery gets you nowhere!" Yuck snapped. "I hate flatterers! And I don't help anyone but myself!"

"And here's the question," Marcus said, hoping his skills in psychology would work. "Who do you hate more: her, or me?"


Soon after Yuck dried off and slipped his shirt on, he and Marcus left for the Woo Foo dojo, arriving there with no real trouble. It was midday, and Yin and Yang were sparring in the outdoor arena as their new master supervised and their old master took another of his six-hour naps.

"She's distracted," Marcus whispered in his hiding place behind the very smelly Woo Foo outhouse. "Go on, now's your chance!"

"Don't ever tell me what to do!" Yuck hissed, but leapt and attacked Chi nonetheless. Brandishing a flaming bamboo sword, he attempted to slash her.

At the last second, Chi's perfect reflexes kicked in and she blocked with her own sword, sending Yuck flying back.

"Is that the best you've got?" Chi giggled, her students stepping in to watch their master fight. "Woo Foo lightning!"

In a heartbeat, a blast of lightning shot out of Chi's hands and zapped Yuck, leaving him charred and burned.

"Nobody zaps me!" Yuck shouted, leaping up and spinning around until he was more tornado than rabbit. "Yuck-icane!"

Chi was quickly sucked in and thrown back at the dojo wall, which she easily bounced off of and swiped the bottom of the tornado with her sword, snapping Yuck out of the cycle.

"Cheap shot, freak!" Yuck shouted as he landed on his back.

Now visibly mad, Chi brought out her finishing move.

"Woo Foo aura!" she shouted, taking a meditative position. At once, a giant purple energy rabbit formed around her, then delivered a swift kick to Yuck, sending him flying permanently out of this story.

"Hahaha!" Yang laughed as Chi's aura disappeared. "You totally kicked Yuck's butt!"

"Eh," Chi shrugged. "No big deal."

"It's still weird, though," Yin analyzed. "Yuck never just attacks out of nowhere. He always has some sort of plan."

Upon hearing this, Chi became slightly nervous. She'd been expecting this to happen soon. No problem, though. There was nothing she couldn't handle.


Marcus stopped in front of the grocery store and took a breather. He'd made a break for it as soon as Yuck lost. Clearly, he'd need more muscle for this. He quickly ran through all the show's villains in his mind. Ultimoose was strong, but not intelligent enough. Saranoia would be too proud of a woman achieving so much to stop her, Pondscum and the Chung Pow Kitties would be near-impossible to communicate with, Carl the Evil Cockroach Wizard was too unfocused in battle, Brother Herman couldn't get near the dojo due to his panda allergies, and Smoke and Mirrors would never relinquish Chi after capturing Chi to use as their own. The only one who'd probably be powerful enough to stop her was Frped, and he was far too fickle to trust.

Clearly, the only way to defeat Chi was to do it himself, and to do that he'd need a lot more power. Luckily, he knew just where to find it.


"All right," Marcus told the new class of Woo Foo students that had gathered in front of the dojo in the last few hours to learn from the great Chi. "Please move aside. I'm here to see Chi."

"We all are!" shouted Lina, Yang's turquoise girlfriend who's apparently a bear but doesn't look at all like one. "What makes you so special?"

"No," Chi said, suddenly looking serious. "Let him through."

"Thank you," Marcus said as he pulled a badge out of who-knows-where. "Now, Chi, I hereby place you under arrest for defeating a series' most important villain and leaving no chance of him returning."

Chi just laughed.

"I knew one of you Society twits was coming," she giggled. "But I never guessed it would be someone so dim-witted! I'll never go willingly! If you want me, you'll have to beat me!"

"Works for me," Marcus said, stone-faced.

Once again, Chi burst out laughing.

"What makes you think you can take me?" she cackled.

"I thought you'd never ask," the agent responded. Then, from the same place he got the badge, Marcus pulled out something else—a pair of briefs.

"The Woo Foo Undies of Unlimited Destiny?" Yin gasped.

"The what?" Yang asked, confused as usual.

"You remember," Yin told her brother. "From season one's 'Enter the Ant'?"

"Oh, yeah," Yang recalled. "It was the only time I ever wore underwear in the whole show."

"Right," Marcus said. "And whosoever wears them has their Woo Foo power increased ten-thousand percent, and—wait," he said, doing a double-take. "Did you guys just break the fourth wall?"

"Duh!" Yang replied. "We do it all the time!"

"We know this is a fandom," Yin explained. "And we know that Chi is a Mary-Sue, too, but as parts of the story, we can't really do much to help you."

"Plus we really don't want to," Yang added.

Marcus sighed and put on the tighty-whities, then spoke aloud his wish.

"I decree that I shall become as powerful as Chi without becoming a Gary-Stu!" he shouted. "And now, to activate their power! Pull! Self! Wedgie!"

And lo, as Marcus wedgied himself, he began to glow with a grey light. Smirking, he took a fighting stance.

"So," Chi sneered. "You get a little magic boost and you think you can defeat me? Well, think again! Foo orbs!"

At her words, two glowing energy orbs shot out of the Sue's hands and toward her opponent.

"Woo Foo racket!" Marcus announced, conjuring a tennis racket made of grey Woo Foo energy and sending the orbs right back.

"Foo field!" Chi shouted, surrounding herself with a force field just in time to shield her from the attack.

"That won't protect you!" Marcus yelled. "Paws of power!"

At his words, Marcus' fists swelled up to ten times their regular sizes and punched Chi—her Foo field still up—through the dojo wall before his paws returned to normal.

"That's it!" Chi screamed, brandishing her sword as she leapt back out. "Jam hammer!"

At that, Chi's sword turned into a sledgehammer with a jar of jam at the head. She struck Marcus with it, splattering blackberry jam everywhere.

"You may be as strong as me, but you don't have a weapon!" Chi shouted. "Now, Chi-arang!"

Chi's hammer now became a boomerang as she threw it at the agent with all of her might.

"Eh, it sounds cooler when Yang does it," Lina commented.

Marcus and Chi ignored her, focusing on the fight.

"Transfoomate!" the raccoon boy cried, firing a blast at the oncoming boomerang. The weapon turned into a butterfly and flew away.

"You were saying?" he chuckled.

"You'll pay for that!" Chi snarled. "Chi-cinerate!"

Upon these words, a wave of fire shot out of Chi's hands.

"And that's a much better pun when buck-buck Yin does it," Coop clucked.

"What, were these moves created especially for those two?" Lina asked.

"No problem," Marcus said, back at the fight. "Fooportate!"

Marcus disappeared and reappeared behind Chi, knocking her on her face.

"Woo Foo aura!" Chi screamed, leaping up and taking a meditative position. Once again, the giant purple energy rabbit formed around her.

"Anything you can do, I can do equally well!" Marcus jeered, mimicking the move and conjuring a giant grey energy raccoon.

The two auras began to duke it out, throwing punches and blocking to the best of their abilities. They pulled out all sorts of martial arts moves, as well as a few wrestling ones, until their tiny animal bodies couldn't take any more and the auras disappeared.

"And now, to end this!" Marcus shouted, pulling out his Prohibitor and running toward his opponent.

"Never!" Chi insisted, defiant to the end. "Transfoomate!"

At that second, Chi shot a blast out. The target: the Woo Foo Undies of Unlimited Destiny! The undies turned into a worthless pair of boxers and Marcus lost all of his new powers.

"Paws of power!" Chi laughed, her paws engorging as she punched Marcus to the ground, knocking him right out of his shorts.

Marcus groaned as he hit the ground.

"Now, to send the message to the Society!" the Sue cackled. "Woo Foo lightning!"

Marcus reacted quickly to his impending destruction. From the same place as the badge, the undies, and the Prohibitor, he pulled out the scene transition and activated it just before the blast could hit.


Marcus awoke on a moving locomotive to discover that his sweatshirt was gone, and so was all of his fur! There was only one place he could be—the super-secret Woo Foo shedding train (not to be confused with the super-secret Woo Foo training shed).

"Good thing this place is super-secret," he muttered, covering himself and trying to remember how he got here. To his surprise, the memories came to him easily. Using a daring and risky last-minute escape plan, he'd managed to get away and flee here. But that was two days ago, at least according to his memories.

"Okay," he thought. "She beat me and took my undies—gross!—and now there's absolutely no way I can overpower her, AND she'll be looking for me. What would the characters of this fandom do now?"

The answer was obvious—they'd have a flashback of something that Master Yo had said and get an idea from it.

Marcus gave it a shot. A second later, a thought balloon appeared over his head with the image of Master Yo in it.

"Are you kidding?" Memory-Yo said. "I'm too lazy, and they're too undisciplined!"

"No," the raccoon boy thought. "That's no good. Maybe something I wasn't actually there for?"

The flashback changed to Yo, now just a skeleton, standing in front of a mirror.

"I was right!" the panda skeleton exclaimed. "I am just big-boned!"

Suddenly, Master Yo's flesh and fur reappeared and his gut bulged out.

"Jiggly, jiggly bone," he said, poking it.

"Try again," Marcus thought.

The flashback changed again, this time to Master Yo eating a ham with Yin and Yang looking up at him.

"Um, Master Yo," Memory-Yin said. "Do you have any idea where that's been?"

"It sure didn't come out of the toilet," Memory-Yo replied, taking another bite and not knowing that that was exactly where it had come from.

"Oh, this is useless!" Marcus shouted, frustrated.

"Oh, yeah?" Memory-Yo said, clearly addressing Marcus. "Well, if I'm so useless, you can just get off this stupid train and come up with an idea yourself!"

With that, Memory-Yo slammed the thought balloon shut, making it disappear.

Marcus groaned, having lost the show's idea source and voice of "wisdom", but then thought about where he was. Then he thought about the episode where it appeared as a running gag.

Slowly, one last idea crept through his mind.


It wasn't nearly as hard for Marcus (whose fur had somehow grown back after he left the train) to find what he needed for this plan as it was to find the undies in that landfill. He was prepared in a few hours, marching up to the Woo Foo dojo with only a stack of golden papers.

"Ah, he returns," Chi laughed, holding up her sword, which she'd inexplicably recovered. "Ready to die?"

"Kill me and another agent will finish what I've started," the agent replied calmly. "But I have a proposal."

Chi paused for a moment.

"Go on," she finally said.

"I have here a contract," Marcus said, holding up the stack of papers. "It states, quite simply, that the Society is forbidden to interfere with anything you do, provided that you stay in this fandom. I've already signed my surrender, but to make it official you must sign, too. Do we have a deal?"

Chi snatched the contract and looked it over. With her speedreading skills and enormous legal vocabulary that she had for no good reason, she found that the contract stated exactly what Marcus said it did. He was on the level.

"Got a pen?" the Sue asked when she was done.

Marcus nodded and handed her a pen that he pulled out of the usual spot.

Chi eagerly signed her incredibly long full name on the equally incredibly long dotted line, ready to receive immunity.

Boy, was she surprised when two mittens appeared, opened her skull, scooped out her brain and eyes, placed a creepy-looking pink skull with red eyes inside her head, and put a sombrero made of tortilla chips on her brain. Though you've gotta admit, that hardly ever happens, especially in late January!

Well, she was probably surprised. It's a little hard to read a brain's emotions.

"Yes!" Chi's body shouted in a prissy male voice, ripping a coupon out of the carefully-cut hole in the contract. "I can't believe that that worked again! Now, with this unbeatable body, I, Mastermind, shall conquer this pathetic planet!"

"Yeah. Not quite," Marcus said, grabbing Chi's wrist in a tight hold and snatching the coupon and reading it aloud. "This coupon good for one free nacho sombrero if you give up your brain," he quoted. "Not permanent until sundown. Invalid if torn." Then he placed one end of the coupon in his teeth and ripped it in half.

The change was immediate. Mastermind's brain slipped back out of Chi's head and hers flew back in, leaving the sombrero behind. As soon as Chi got her body back, Marcus slammed the Prohibitor on her wrist and there was a bright flash of light that considerably weakened Chi and cleansed the fandom of all her Sue-ish past actions. The new Woo Foo students disappeared and Woo Foo became a laughingstock again. Master Yo could be heard in the dojo yelling at his students to stop throwing their dinners at each other, and in some remote location, Eradicus was probably plotting the destruction of Woo Foo.

"Okay, Chi," Marcus announced. "You're going away for a long time!"

"No!" Chi shouted, kicking Marcus in the shin and wrenching her arm free. "I won't go! And I know just how to avoid it!"

Chi, using her normal bunny speed, ran as fast as she could into the grotesquely smelly Woo Foo outhouse and locked the door behind her.

Marcus futilely attempted to break the door down as Chi chanted something inside.

"Chronologicum, hear my plea!
Remove the Prohibitor and take me
To the future, to stop more trouble!
Hurry up now! On the double!"

When Marcus finally got in, Chi was gone. He found the Prohibitor next to the hole (a small miracle that it hadn't fallen in), and saw how she'd escaped. She had used the Chronologicum, a magical hourglass with time-controlling properties, currently being used as a toilet paper holder.

The agent gritted his teeth and snatched up the Prohibitor, then opened a portal and returned to the Library Arcanium.


"Oh, it's good to be a three-dimensional human again!" the myoptic agent said, glad to be fully clothed as well.

"Nice work in the fight, man," Michael congratulated. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Thanks," Marcus replied. "But I think I'll stick with letting others do the fighting for me from now on, if it's all the sa—hold on!" he said, his eyes going wide. "How do you know about that?"

"We watched what happened," Tash explained. "After what you said about us not watching American cartoons, we decided to give Yin Yang Yo! a shot. It's actually pretty funny."

"It's also great to know that there are people we can be truthful about our missions with who won't think we're crazy," remarked Valerie, a confident-looking brunette. "Anyone who repeatedly breaks the fourth wall is potentially a useful ally."

"Too bad that Chi escaped, though," Blake lamented.

"Eh, she just went into the future," Marcus shrugged. "She'll be back someday, and when she comes, we'll be ready."

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