Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Insert Bad Shinigami Reference Here

It wasn't exactly a pretty picture.

Rubble-mostly consisting crushed boulders and large segments of rock-stood in the center of the landscape, piled in a small mound. Surrounding this, miniature canyons and craters dotted the arena, rough and ragged, leading to the impression that were caused by some outside force rather an act of nature or fate. Great patches of the undamaged earth as scorched black and glossy, the topsoil warped into a razor-thin layer of glass from an incredible source of heat.

For a long moment, nothing moved.

Then the pile of rubble stirred… shifted… and several large rocks were pushed aside as a figure hauled themselves from the pile wearily, coughing madly at the dust the action stirred up. "Nuts… that really hurt…"

He was tall, nearly six feet. His hair had probably been white at one point, but the sheer amount dust and such in now rendered that impossible. The black shirt and pants he was dressed were cut and torn, with one pant leg missing below the knee and both sleeves of his shirt missing, long thin red lines decorating his exposed skin… all of which was covered in dust.

"'Join us and explore whole new worlds', they said!" He grumbled to himself as he walked - or rather, staggered - away from the pile. "'Make new friends, have awesome adventures' they said! 'Make the worlds of a fanfiction a better place and get revenge against all the Stus and Sues', they said!"

He stopped and picked up a scrap of cloth off the ground, sighing as the item practically dissolved away at his touch, it was so badly scorched. "And that was my favorite trenchcoat too…"

Vrrrm, vrrrm, vrrrm, vrrrm.

Scowling, he threw the bits of ash and cloth away and pulled a cell phone from the pocket of his undamaged pant leg, glowering at it. "I can't believe this thing survived that…" Flipping it up, he held it up and answered with a, "What? I'm kind of busy."

"Just checking up to see how you were doing." The voice was male and cheery.

"Hi, Blake…" The dust-covered teenager muttered. "I'm not doing so well."

"Really?" Blake sounded surprised. "I though you'd be pretty good at this."

"Yeah, well, you guys didn't mention that my first assignment would be a Gary-Stu trying to invade the world of Bleach!" The teenager snapped, anger marks sprouting all around his head as he spoke. "Didn't you realize how powerful a Stu would be in this world! I mean, even the weakest characters can take on hundreds of flunkies without breaking a sweat!"

"Oh, yeah…" This time, a little embarrassed nervousness had entered in Blake's voice. "Well, I'm sure it can't be all that bad…"

"The Stu burned my trenchcoat to ashes! He swung his sword once and dug a second Grand Canyon with it! He preformed high-level kido with just a gesture - not even the words!"

"I think you're exaggerating just a bit, Adrian." Blake muttered, sounding like a rather large sweat-drop had formed on the back of his head.

"He dropped a MOUNTAIN on top of my head!" Adrian exclaimed loudly and then sighed, running a hand over his green eyes. "Tell me again why some of the others aren't here helping me out?"

"Well, I'm still waiting for Russell to show his face again and the girls are across various worlds stopping other Stus and Sues…"

"And probably kissing the hell out of their favorite bishies while they're at it…" Adrian muttered and kicked a rock in annoyance, remembering that he had taken this assignment because in the world of Bleach, the majority of the male characters were very handsome by any standards and thus, an immediate distraction to the females of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society.

And with a Stu as powerful as the one Adrian was chasing, distractions were not good.

Sighing to himself again, Adrian wedged the phone between his ear and shoulder as he gripped the snow-white staff that had been shoved halfway into the ground. It was an exact replica of Gandalf the White's staff from Lord of the Rings and not only was it Adrian's primary weapon, he was determined not to let it go.

After all, it was a collector's item.

"At any rate, don't worry too much. Just because a Stu is really powerful in one world, doesn't mean he's unbeatable. Plus, you managed to get a warning to the other characters in Bleach, didn't you?" Blake was saying as Adrian struggled and tugged at the staff, but still unsuccessful in wrenching it loose.

"Right and they can fight the Stu. But because he's a Stu made for this world, he will naturally be more powerful than they will. And I - Hey!" The white-haired boy frowned as he heard crunching noises come over the phone. "Are you eating my potato chips?!"

"Umm…" A rapid swallowing and distinctive crinkling noise of a potato chip bag was heard. "No..?"

"I invited the Elimination Society to use my Library as a gateway, not for you guys to-" Whatever else he was going to say was lost as the staff choose that moment to free itself, sending Adrian toppling over backwards and smacking his head on the ground. "Ow!"

"You okay?"

"Fine, fine…" Adrian stood up and dusted himself off with one hand, using the other to hold the phone up. "Did you eat anything else besides my chips?"

"No…" Blake paused. "Well, them and that bowl of Reese's you had on your desk…plus that six-pack of Dr. Pepper in your fridge...and that cake you hid behind that false bookshelf…"


"Oh, look! I think I found Russell again! Gotta go, see you later!" There was click and then a dial tone.

Adrian glowered at his phone before flipping it closed and stowing it back in his pocket. "I'll deal with him later…" He gestured with his free hand and his clothes glowed, restoring themselves to pristine condition. "But for right now, I've got to stop that Stu and hope that he hasn't leveled the Seireitei yet…"


A Brief Summary of the Elimination Society:

Gary-Stus and Mary-Sues are terms used to reference unbelievable and overpowered characters that appear in literary works and most notably in fanfiction. These characters, while not only being 'perfect' in every sense of the term, are able to literally alter canonical events and people in the worlds they arrive in. Most notably, they are to complete tasks that not even the main protagonists are able to do, such as defeat their arch-rival or save the princess, or teach the cold-hearted, anti-hero characters the meaning of love.

While these events are not bad in-and-of-themselves, it is the way that the Stus and Sues perform them that disturbs a story's reality and warps it so that it centers are the flawless, always beautiful and impossibly powerful, yet sympathetically tragic Stu/Sue, thereby ruining the context of a story and spoiling it for all the honest and interested readers.

Generally caused by amateur authors with no self-restraint, Stus/Sues are generally easy to spot and thus avoid, depriving them of their much needed sustenance of attention. However, after a certain point, a Stu or Sue will gain enough strength that it no longer needs attention from others to survive and instead gains power by believing in itself, meaning that the more Stu/Sue believes in its own superiority and strength compared to canon characters, the stronger it will be come.

In this state, they are the incarnations of the phrase 'Self-fulfilling Prophecy'.

To prevent Stus/Sues from wreaking havoc, the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society was formed. A group of dedicated authors, they travel from world to world and eliminate or capture Stus and Sues and restore the world to the proper order of events.

The Society's newest member, a talented character who goes by the name of Adrian has been given his first assignment the world of Bleach. Immensely pleased and honored by this, he has allowed the other members of the Elimination Society to use his 'Library Aracanium' as a base of operations and gateway. Because the Library exists between everywhere and everywhen, it is possible to connect it to any world one desires to go to. 

However, it seems that the Society has also taken his invitation to routinely raid Adrian's snack cabinet…


Adrian, while not an expert Sue/Stu hunter, has been studying them for a long time and had a learned a few things, some of which are:

A Sue or Stu is most likely to appear in world where the canon is unfinished and has many unexplained back-stories and events left, thereby making it far easier for a Stu/Sue to appear and fill in the gaps to power itself. Examples of such words are: The Inheritance Cycle, Harry Potter, and Yugioh. However, a Stu/Sue is these words are generally weak (as they foolishly latch themselves to a single point or person) and easily destroyed by a logical and reasoned explanation of why they cannot exist. Or a horde of angry fangirls armed with over-sized mallets. Whichever comes first.

There are some words where a Stu/Sue is least likely to appear because the stories canon is rigidly tied to historical events, is completely explained by the story's creator or it is ignored by fans and readers and withers away. Examples of these words are: Rurouni Kenshin, Final Fantasy VII, and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

However, there are some worlds where there is enough background characters or nameless extras that a Sue/Stu can hide itself and bide its time as it grows in strength. Once they feel they are strong enough, they will attack the main characters of that reality and force them into submission so that it can use its reality-altering powers to change the world to their 'perfect vision'. The world of Bleach is one such place. As such, only outside intervention of the Elimination Society or an early warning can prevent a Sue/Stus takeover.

But despite the fact he knew all of this, Adrian could not help but be impressed by what he saw when he arrived at the edge of the Seireitei.

The wall where he was standing had a gaping hole in it and was still smoking, obviously indicating that it three foot-thick stone had been blasted apart. The ruins of several of the Soul Reaper's buildings were easily visible, reduced to so much rubble of white stone and slate roofing tiles.

He swore as he saw blasts of variously-colored light flash here and there further in the Seireitei, along with shouts of pain and war cries with a mocking laughter overriding it all. "Dammit, I'm too late!" Gripping his staff near the head, he reversed his grip on it as it glowed and transformed into a long white sword with a fancy rapier-like hilt. "I just hope that-"


"Huh?" Adrian lifted his head… and his eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets. "Aw, snikes!" A black-robed from slammed directly into Adrian and a cloud of tiles and dirt launched into the air from the impact.

Laying at the bottom of the crater they had accidentally caused, the black-robed figure rolled over onto his back and got to his feet, shaking dirt out of his spiky-orange hair and propping himself against the massive sword butcher-knife-shaped sword he had, its blade almost wider than his body. "Sorry about that. Name's Ichigo Kurosaki. You alright?"

"That boulder didn't signal for a turn, officer…" Adrian muttered dazedly as little winged toasters flew in a circle around his head. "I don't need a ticket…" Then he blinked the toasters away and shook his head as he lurched to his feet. "Yeah, I think I'm okay… at least I don't have any broken bones…"

The black-robed teen blinked down at Adrian. "You're not dressed like a Soul Reaper…who are you?" Before Adrian could answer, he waved it off. "Never mind. You need to get out of here. There's this nutcase running around and he's really powerful. It's not safe for you here."

"Nutcase?" Adrian raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess… dresses like a Soul-Reaper… calls himself Silver…has incredibly long, yet masculine silver hair for a guy…has perfect muscle tone and sapphire blue eyes, preaches on and on about how he's perfect and better than everyone…and not matter how hard you hit or how much dirt he's covered in, he always looks rugged and sexy?"

"Uh… yeah." The orange-haired Soul Reaper blinked. "Do you know him?"

"Not exactly. Let's just say that it's my job to get rid of people like him." Adrian glanced up as a form landed on the edge of the crater. "Well, speak of the devil and he shall appear…"

"So you're still around, eh, rookie?" Silver sneered down at him, the sun hitting his perfect features and silvery hair in just such a way that the gesture looked beautiful on him. He rested his zanpakuto against his shoulder casually, the katana-like weapon's blade untarnished. "Why don't you just lie down accept my ultimate perfection and beauty of self?"

"Sure. And after that, I'll ask a girl out on a date." Adrian retorted mockingly and twirled his sword before leveling at Silver. "You actually think that I'm going to just let you Stus run rampant?"

Ichigo sweat-dropped at Adrian. "You never asked a girl out on a date?"

"That's besides the point!" The white-haired teen said, flushing. "Don't we need to beat the hell out of this guy!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Silver laughed beautifully. "Surely you jest! I am unbeatable!"

"Tell that to my sword!" Adrian blurred reappeared behind Silver, blade already in motion.

"Fool!" Silver flash-stepped out of the way and behind Adrian's back, thrusting towards the white-haired teen's spine. "I am perfect!"

Then his beautifully perfect blue eyes widened as Adrian thrust his free hand behind his back, catching the tip of Silver's blade between his fingers. "But... but…"

Adrian glanced over his shoulder at the Stu. "Sorry, but a 'perfect' being like you can't kill me so easily."


Both Adrian and Silver blurred away as a cerulean blast of lighting roared up the side of the crater and blasted skywards through the space they had just been in. Ichigo smirked from releasing his attack and vanished from the bottom as well.

Flashes light and the sound of metal against metal filled the air as the trio fought their way across the rooftop of the Seireitei, not even visible to the naked eye unless they were attacking or blocking and only appearing for instants so brief that some one who blinked would miss several of them.

"Dammit!" Adrian's feet sent rows of slate tile crashing away as he locked swords with Silver, the sheer force of the Stu's momentum actually shoving him back along the roof. "You-"

"Give up! As a Stu, I am perfect and when I beat you and all the others, I'll make this word my own!" Silver jeered and pressed harder against their blade-lock as Adrian dug his heels and managed to halt their progress. "I am perfect!"

"Says… you!" The Stu was sent reeling back as Adrian pulled one hand away of the hilt of his word and socked him across the face, the Society member grimacing and cradling his hand. (It's like I was punching rock…is this Stu really that powerful?)

Silver straightened his body and lifted his head, his beautiful face unblemished in the slightest. "Ha! Didn't hurt!"

"Let's see if this does!" Ichigo dropped down from above and bringing Zangetsu down full-force atop the fake Soul Reaper's head. The roof exploded in energy and gave out, dropping Silver through and down several stories.

Adrian walked over to join Ichigo at the hole's edge as the latter shouldered his massive sword in triumph. "You know that probably didn't kill him…"

"Yeah, but it gave him something to think about!" Ichigo smirked.

Then both their eyes widened as Silver's voice echoed from the hole. "It did give me something to think about… the best way to kill you both! Shine, Tekogozan!" Light erupted skywards from the whole, throwing Ichigo off his feet as Adrian leapt away, landing on another rooftop as the light began to condense into a sphere.

The sphere of light burst apart, revealing Silver with a radically different outfit. Although still-dressed in Soul Reaper robes, they were now a deep silver-color trimmed with white while his zanpakuto had shifted into a elegantly shaped-broadsword with rune running up the flat of the blade and the hilt so intricately-shaped that it would have impossible for a normal person to hold it without creating welts on their hand from the designs. His hair now reached well past his ankles, yet retained its masculinity and glowed-unsurprisingly- with silver light.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The Stu laughed in his beautiful way. "I have more power than you'll ever will! And this is just my Shikai!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Adrian reached his sword behind his head, grasping the tip with his other hand. "Librarian Art 1: Cutting Remark!" Then his sword snapped forwards incredibly fast, unleashing red arc of power that roared across the distance between Silver and Adrian in an instant. "Take it somewhere else, you walking night-light!"

"Hmmph!" Silver easily slashed the attack in half with his sword. "Is that all you can-" Then he went flying backwards as something impacted heavily on his chest, throwing him into a nearby wall. "What was… that?"

Adrian flash-stepped in front of the Stu as Silver pried himself free of the wall. "Didn't you hear the attack name? The energy wave is just the first step. The actual damage comes from the intensity of the cutting remark that I deliver… it should have done more damage, but your Stu powers are pretty strong here." His sword chimed as he brought it up in a guard stance. "Oh well…"

"Tch…" Silver growled and slashed Tekogozan through the air. "Take this! Soul-Shearing Vacuum Blade!" The air wavered like a mirage as the attack literally split the air in front of it, traveling so fast that there was no way for Adrian to avoid it.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

The Librarian smiled slightly as the Soul-Shearing Vacuum Blade was halted by thousands of glimmering slivers of pink light that resembled cherry-blossom leaves forming a wall in front of him. The impact scattered the 'leaves' all around, but nullifying the force of the blow. "I wondered when you'd show up… Byakuya Kuchiki …"

The leaf-like blades of Senbonzakura hanging in the air around him, the Captain of the 6th Court Guard Squad regarded Adrian evenly. "Anyone who threatens the Soul Society… I will kill. Even you, Librarian, if I find out that you're the cause of this…" He stared at Silver with open disdain before continuing, "…thing's entry into our world."

Silver smiled darkly and pointed Tekogozan at Byakuya. "You may be the strongest of the Captains, pretty-boy Byakuya, but I am Silver, Captain of soon-to-be Squad Zero. I will kill Sousuke Aizen, defeat the Arracanar and restore peace between the world of the living and the Soul Society. I am perfect."

The noble's eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly. "You would even dare to attempt such acts… all because you believe you are perfect?" He lifted a hand and the blades of Senbonzakura stirred violently before launching their way towards Silver. "Your lack of morals and conscience sickens me. Begone from my sight." The Stu vanished from sight in a cloud of pink as the blades cocooned him and began to contract, a move that would have shredded even the strongest of Soul Reapers or Hollows to bits.

Mocking laughter echoed and a chilling shriek filled the air as the cocoon blew apart and ice coated the nigh-invisible blades of Senbonzakura, causing them to drop to the ground harmlessly like so many snow-flakes. Silver, the ice-type kido he had used without speaking a word dancing around his hands, laughed again. "I am perfect! You think it is that easy to kill me!"

Adrian was staring at the petals of Senbonzakura with wide eyes. (He…he froze the blades together, making them one solid mass and meaning Byakuya can't control them anymore…not unless he shatters that ice. But how-)

"Hado 31: Sokatsui!" A wash of blue/white light erupted from Byakuya's outstretched palm, enveloping Silver. "When I tell you to die, you will do so."

"Nonsense!" Silver's voice could be heard from inside the flames and then air swirled around him, dispersing the flames with ease and revealing Silver (perfectly) unharmed. "Nothing you do can hurt me." He drew back his arm and hurled the ice-kido at the Captain, the sphere freezing the ground and buildings as it passed them. "Hado 95: Kiss of the Winter's Goddess!"

Byakuya vanished as the attack passed through the space he had just been and re-appeared atop a building, pointing his finger at the Stu. "Hado 4: Byakurai!" Then he gasped as blood sprayed out of his mouth and Silver's form appeared alongside him, Tekogozan having been shoved through his stomach. "AH…"
Silver chuckled as the blade of Tekogozan began to glow. "Now I will incinerate you…" The glow grew bright. "Don't worry, I'll bring you back after I take over this world. I am a Stu, after all."

"Librarian Art 5: A Through Z!"

"WTF!" Silver managed, the slang somehow beautifully coming out his mouth before twenty-six larger than life volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannia smacked into his face, burying him as Byakuya dis-lodged himself from the sword and flash-stepped away.

Adrian watched as light flashed through the air as Silver, using his beautifully impossible swordskills, slashed all the volumes apart in an instant and reduced them to so many scraps of paper. "That wasn't nice. Don't you know books are our friends?" He teased.

"You-!" Before Silver could get any more angry words, sparks began to fly as Ichigo reappeared and attacked him from all sides almost simultaneously, moving so fast that he looked like there was at least of a dozen of him circling and striking the Gary-Stu Soul Reaper.

Byakuya was standing next to Adrian, his eyes flicking back and forth as he watched Ichigo strike. "That bankai…"

"What's wrong?" Ichigo taunted as he hammered at Silver over and over again from all angles. He was now dressed in more conservative black robes and Zangetsu had changed into a jet-black katana, representing that of Ichigo's power was compressed into that blade, making every swing incredibly powerful. "Am I going too fast for you? I can go a little faster if you like…"

"You're nothing!" Suddenly dozens of copies appeared as Silver lashed out at Ichigo, easily matching the protagonist's inhuman speed and sending the orange-haired Soul Reaper bouncing and skidding across the rooftop to Adrian and Byakuya's feet, robe torn, Zangetsu cracked and coughing up blood.

Despite the fact his uniform was messed up and dirtied, his hair was mussed up and sticking out wildly at all angles and he looked really ticked, Silver still managed to look dashingly handsome and uber-sexy as he raised Tekogozan up above his head. "I am Silver! I am the best! I am PERFECT!" His eyes flared sliver and the world around him began to shudder violently while lightning lanced skywards from his blade. "I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me! NO ONE!"

A seam appeared in the sky and began to slowly open, revealing a swirling void of purple, black and puce. "And if I can't have this fandom, then I'll destroy it!"

"Um…" Ichigo staggered to his feet and glanced up at the sky fearfully, one arm wrapped around his mid-section. "What hell is he doing!"

"He's breaking the walls of canon... normally, not even I would be able to do that without a great deal of help, but because a Gary-Stu draws their power from the fandom their in and you guys are so normally strong anyway, his power is impossibly high. He's going to flood this world with more Stus and Sues and take it over!" Adrian explained as he braced himself against the howling winds that were emitting from the hole.

"Could you explain that again so that it makes sense?" Byakuya, despite his wounds, was standing perfectly calm in the winds and looking the stoic, powerful, anti-hero noble he was.

"Silver and I are alike, but I'm good and he's bad. He's opening a portal to another world and is using it conquer your world. He's so strong because his power is always relative to your strength and will always be higher. Also, he's insane."

"How do we stop him?" Ichigo slammed Zangetsu and sent another Getsuga Tensho roaring across the rooftop, but Silver just laughed as his Stu-aura simply dispersed the lightning attack a few feet from him. "We can't even hurt him!"

"Well…' Adrian bit his lip as he thought for a moment. "I have one technique that might work…"

Silver sneered. "Go ahead and try! I dare you! You'll see that I'm perfect!"

"Right." Forcing his way against the winds, Adrian lurched forwards until he was standing a few feet from Silver. "Librarian Secret Art…" He drew back his leg.

"A kick? Oh, like that's going to do-"


Suddenly the howling winds stopped, the portal zipped itself back up, the ground stopped shaking and Silver was on the ground clutching his face, which bore the imprint of the sole of Adrian's boot. "OW!" He groaned/complained beautifully. "You booted me in the head!"

"Yes, I did." Adrian smiled down at the Stu. "And it felt good, actually!"

"MY…PERFECT FACE!" Silver wept as he got to his feet, grabbing his sword he did so. "You ruined my perfect face! How'd you even get through my perfect barriers!"

"Something about you just ticks me off."

Off to the sides, Ichigo was glancing around at the now newly-restored Seireitei they were standing in. "That was… really anti-climatic…"

Byakuya nodded in silent agreement.

"I'll make you pay!" Silver snapped his fingers and dozens of copies appeared around Adrian, all of them rushing towards the Elimination Society member with the intent to kill.


Silver's clones all collapsed to the ground, boot-prints across their faces, before shattering while the real Silver had a second print across the first and was rolling on the ground, clutching his perfect face.

Adrian sighed as Silver staggered back to his feet. "You really are a Stu. You still look dashingly handsome even with two boot prints across your face."

"I…I wasn't ready, that's all!" The Stu took up a fighting stance. "Come and hit me now, you rookie!"



Adrian held out his sword and it glowed, turning into a length of chain that wrapped around the agonized-Stu and bound him tightly. "There. That should hold him until I get him to a proper holding cell."

"Hey, wait! Where are you going!" Ichigo asked. "Don't we need to fix this place up!"

The white-haired teen smiled. "Don't worry. The only reason it was like in the first place because both Stus/Sues and Self-Insert aren't meant stay in stories for too long. It causes the fabric of reality to warp otherwise. So as soon as we leave, everything will return to normal." Grapping the chain, he threw something on the ground and vanished in a cloud of white smoke. "Librarian Art 7: Mystery Vanish!"

"I gotta admit… that was strange, even for us…" Ichigo commented. "At least that white-haired guy was able to help us out. He seems like a nice guy."

"Yes…" Byakuya said as he turned around and the smoke vanished, causing Ichigo to sweat-drop. "When he's not running into walls face-first."

Adrian twitched a couple of times, his form actually embedded in the wall. "…ow…"


Back at the Library Aracnium, after Silver has been safely locked away in the basement of the Library and tied down…

Adrian sighed and finished toweling off his hair as he stepped into his office. "Finally… I never thought I'd get the dust off…"

Tossing the towel aside, he flopped into his chair and propped his feet on the desk as he leaned back. "It's good to be home though…"

His stomach gurgled and he chuckled a little. "Whoops. Guess I forgot to get something to eat…" Sitting back up, he pulled a ring of keys out from his pocket and used one to unlock his bottom right desk drawer, where he kept an emergency stash of candy for just such an occasion. (He also kept plot devices in there too, but who'd ever want one of those?)

Sliding the drawer open, he reached inside for a piece…


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