Sunday, February 6, 2011

Insert Blatant Anime Reference Here

This has got to be one of the most boring fandoms I have ever been to, thought Xavier.

Xavier had transferred into the Lucky Star girls' school (despite the fact that none of them could pronounce his name to begin with). He had hoped to date at least one of the girls, and merge the rest together in a mass of lesbian yuri relationships (even though Yoshimizu Kagami had given absolutely nothing about love relationships in the series) to make everyone in the fandom happy.

He had not expected this to take so long.

The only thing the girls were pretty much doing was talk. And talk. And talk. Xavier did not need to know how odd it was that browser pages always finished loading the second after one clicked exit, or how people tended to get oddly selective amnesia in manga stories, or how there was always a person who paid by check when the total was around 400 yen.

Lucky Star was a slice-of-life series, and pretty much everything was about the random and true things in life in this manga.

Xavier knew that corrupting the fandom would take a long, long time.


"Hey, Tashy."

Tash turned her head to face Harriet. "What?"

"I've made an administrative decision."

"Another one?" said Tash, incredulously. "Last week you made an 'administrative decision' that we were going to eat pepperoni pizza…"

"Well that administrative decision's over. I'm making a new administrative decision. And I decree…" and she pointed her finger dramatically at nothing, "we need a place to locate the Society!"

There was blinking from the other Leader.

"Look," said Harriet, "we meet at your house in this fictional, conveniently placed random universe, right?"

"Yes…" said Tash.

"We're going to have a flood of new members and meeting in your house will be getting rather awkward. So I have decided we need a place to move the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society's headquarters!"

There was a long pause.

"A flood of new people?" said Tash. "The only people we have are you, me, Lauren, Emma, Beth, Kate, Val and her friends, Michael, Miri, Blake, and Marcus…I can count all of them easily or recite their names off the top of my head."

"Ah, now that's the other administrative decision I made!" said Harriet. "We're doing a recruitment run!" Harriet held up a poster bearing several slogans, with the eventual mission statement "Remove the scourge of Sues and Stus from our beloved fandoms! In the meantime, make new friends, have awesome adventures! Join us and explore new worlds! Make the worlds of a fanfiction a better place and get revenge against all the Stus and Sues!"

Tash blinked.

"But…what if we get a lot of morons?"

"That is my third administrative decision!" said Harriet, pulling out something that said Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society Application Test.

"And how on earth are we going to test a ton of people who want to come?"

"It says on the bottom of the poster," said Harriet. "We're meeting at the conveniently placed park ten minutes from here where I will deliver tests."

"But…" said Tash, "you want to meet them at 11:30 today, and it's 11:25 right now."

Harriet cursed and whisked Tash out the door before Tash could protest, shoving Tash into her car and driving ten miles per hour past the limit to get to the park.


"Hey, don't panic on the test," said Tash. "She just wants to make sure you're not a bunch of idiots. To be honest, I think you people are more than competent."

Tash was looking at the crowd of new people who wanted to come in. Five had already fainted. Two of them seemed like they had just randomly walked into the park for no reason. There were three girls in the front chatting wildly about why they were there and what they were going to do. One male, slightly older than the others, was staring at the front with an expression of "bring it on" on his face. One teenage boy had messy black hair over his face and was smoking a cigarette, and finally a girl wearing dark clothing who seemed exceptionally excited.

"Tashy!" said the girl wearing dark clothes, jumping in her seat. "I wanna join your Society and see what kind of fun you have!"

"No," said Tash, "just because I happen to know you doesn't mean I'll give you any favoritism on the test."


"And I have now announced," said Harriet, "that if you fail this test and do not make it into the Society, I will personally wipe all of your minds about the memories of this test so that you don't use the answers again to pass or give the answers to other people."

The two people who were unsure about them being there quickly got up and ran away. They looked like identical twins.

"Hey baby," said the boy with sloppy hair to Harriet. "Once I pass this test, I'd like to pass you."

Harriet took out her cricket bat and knocked the boy unconscious.

In the end, only the three girls, the girl in black, and the determined one ended up taking the test. The last one finished his test only thirty minutes into it – and he'd even answered all three essay prompts (he only had to choose one).

As he handed in his test to Tash, Tash appraised him. He looked like he was wearing quite expensive clothes and his hair and eyes were colored unnaturally.

"Hey, wait," said Tash. "I've met you – "

But when she tried to finish the sentence, he'd vanished.

Left behind were the four females. The girl in black got up and turned in her test.

"When do you hold the next test?"

Tash shrugged. "Whenever Harriet feels… next week I think?"

The girl nodded and walked off, muttering to herself about doing the proper research the right way next time.

The last three girls were working. The one on the left had black hair tied in a ponytail and seemed to be taking her time on every question. The one on the right had brown hair tossed slightly over her face and seemed to be sweating. And the one in the middle had blue hair and eyes (the three girls all had anime-style eyes, so the coloring seemed natural), and was writing with one hand and twirling her hair with the other.

An hour into the test, the brown-haired girl suddenly got up and ran away screaming.

Tash went to pick up the girl's test and found that the last question she had failed to answer happened to contain a very gory description of Michael eviscerating a Stu. She made a mental note to reconsider the syntax of the test questions.

Five minutes before the end of the test the blue-haired girl turned in her test and went back to her seat, sighing. The black-haired girl ran out of time and turned it in, shaking her head.


Harriet and Tash were grading the exams.

The one done by the male was perfect. He'd gotten a perfect score. The black-haired girl had not even finished three-quarters of the test. The brown-haired girl had, of course, failed, and the girl dressed in black had an extremely poor accuracy rate.

The blue-haired girl had barely passed with a score of 70%. She had given her name as Aster Selene. She was an original character, from a light novel series, and she was joining because "her author wanted to".

From the outlandish and casual statements she had made on the test, it was plainly obvious she had no idea what she was doing.

"I'm a little iffy about accepting her," said Tash. "She's not very competent."

"I know!" said Harriet. "I know what to do!"

"So you're making another administrative decision?"

"No," said Harriet, "it's law. I've decided to make a practical exam!"

"Oh," said Tash. She blinked. "So you're going to send this Aster girl and the one with the perfect score onto missions?"

"Oh, don't worry about that one," said Harriet, pointing to the perfect-score test. "It doesn't matter if he screws up the practical. I've already passed him."

"That's unfair!"

"What else can I do? According to his exam, he's also got a place for us to stay – along with resources, food, and a bunch of other stuff. And computers, Tash. Computers. Computers we can use to track Sues."

"Okay then," said Tash. "So we test the girl and then pretend to test the guy."

"Pretty much," said Harriet.


The male would be "tested" a week after Aster. Aster would be sent to the Lucky Star fandom to take care of a Stu.

"It's a nice and easy fandom," said Harriet. "But if she's as stupid as we think she is, she won't stand a chance. The Stu's Xavier."

Aster was standing around, holding a Plothole Generator, and took a deep breath. She opened the plothole and went in.


Xavier was really bored now.

This was not like other stories. The author could not conveniently skip over the slice-of-life conversations and go straight to the romance, because slice-of-life was pretty much the point of Lucky Star.

In other words, his life sucked right now.

Finally, he could no longer take it anymore when Miyuki went into an in-depth description about the ingredients of custard and went off to explore the fandom. Nobody made any comment or noticed his absence.

He passed many people in the halls. He saw Kuroi on the phone and wondered if she was talking to Yui – well, there'd be a chance to get them together at any rate. Divorce Yui and her husband, then one night of karaoke… He saw Minami, Yutaka, and Hiyori talking to each other in a classroom (all people ever did in this fandom was talk, talk, talk)…Minami and Yutaka were an obvious couple, but Hiyori? Whom would he stick Hiyori with? Maybe Patricia, but Hiyori didn't even know whom Patricia was…well, he'd stick her with Patricia just for the sake of pairing the spares.

Kou walked by looking cheery, and Xavier immediately decided that Yamato had to transfer back from Saint Fiorina and come to Ryou so that she could be stuck with Kou. And, of course, Misao and Ayano, whom were walking by. Never mind that Ayano had a boyfriend and that boyfriend was Misao's older brother. He'd find a way to stick them together.

As he walked further down the hall, he found his problem.

Wakase Izumi.

Izumi was a big problem – not only did the fans generally ignore her because she was a manga-only character, but she also didn't have any spare to go with her at all, and there was nobody who fit with her refined-yet-a-closet-otaku personality. Or anyone that was remotely near her age. Maybe Hiyori? But then, Hiyori was being stuck with Patricia. All right then, he'd stick Hiyori with Izumi, and Patricia would have to –

"Excuse me?" said Izumi. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Xavier, with the utmost politeness. Izumi was taken aback. Even though she lived in high-class society she hadn't expected to be so nice…and kind about it…come to think of it, she didn't recognize him from her class, so it was a nice thing for him to be paying much attention to him…

As Izumi walked away, Xavier had an idea about who'd be paired up with Izumi.



"It still stinks a lot though," said Tsukasa, giggling.

"Well, it's not like you can do anything about it," replied Kagami.

Miyuki chuckled and said, "I've heard it's perfectly normal to – "

And then Aster burst through the plothole right above their table, burst out, closed the plothole, jumped out, and tackled three students in the middle of her jump.

"What the – " said Kagami, not used to anything of this sort at all. She lived in a normal world!
Tsukasa was having a panic attack.

"Awesome!" said Konata, happy to see something similar to her games come true.

Aster got up and started running off.

"Hurry, get her!" yelled Konata. "She might have something we could use to…I dunno…save the world!"

A shocking number of people got up and ran after Aster.


"What on earth is that girl doing?" said Tash, peering at the computer.

"Running," said Marcus.

"Exactly…and does she have any idea where she's even running?"

"Nope," said Harriet.


Aster was pursuing something (she had no idea where it was) while being chased by a bunch of high school students.

Pausing to catch her breath, Aster saw the oncoming mob and started to run again. It took her a long time to figure out that maybe she should search the classrooms first. So she did. And she did find Xavier.

Xavier saw Aster coming with a Prohibitor in hand and jumped out the window. People gasped in shock.

"That! Was! Awesome!" yelled Konata, her eyes full of stars.

Aster, incensed, jumped out the window and suddenly expanded a pair of wings – she was wearing something quite different, and her ponytail was longer.

"Awesome, a magical girl fight!" said Konata. "Charge! Go down there!"

As they ran, Kagami started to think maybe Konata wasn't quite as crazy as she thought.


"Wings?" said Marcus. "What on earth is she?"

"She looks like a fairy," said Danielle off-handedly.

"According to her test," said Tash, "the proper terminology is a fae."

"She's got a lot of power," said Harriet. "Wouldn't that make her a Sue?"

"Normally I'd agree with you, but given her actions and her apparent level of intelligence…"


"Can't even let me have my fun, Society Agent?" said Xavier, snickering. "You won't be able to stop me. I'm only making these girls happy by bringing them the joy of love."

"Yuri love! In Lucky Star! That is a crime!" yelled Aster, and pounced at him. She quickly realized she had no idea how to fight and was getting mauled quickly. The only thing saving her was her speed. She did have power over elements and other magical stuff – but she was using it all in the wrong way and was screwing up majorly.

"This is the best part!" said Izumi. "Then she'll turn into a higher form and they'll duke it out and one of them will receive the true test of which one is good and which is evil!"

People turned to stare at Izumi, who had just compromised her otaku nature.

"…ignore me," said Izumi.

"But then who's the good guy?" said Hiyori.

The vote was split; several decided Xavier, since he was a member of the school, was the good guy, but others believed Aster had a more standard magical-girl type appearance and more good. But Izumi found a strange yearning in her heart for the boy who had stolen her eyes away from others and was fighting against the fae there…

And she ran into the battlefied.

"Stop!" she yelled, tackling Aster over.

"Thanks," said Xavier. "I owe you one."

"Maybe if you meet me after school."

Xavier winked.

"Oh, you two make me sick," said Aster, and she tried to aim a well-aimed kick at both of them. It didn't work. Aster gave up and hit both of them with jets of water.


In the background, Anizawa Meito was watching the setting closely (which was weird, since he's an anime-only character).

Legendary Girl A is there! he thought. It's a good thing I have work off - but now when her guard is completely down, I will show her an item relevant to the scene she cannot resist!

And Meito approached and suddenly revealed his weapon.


All of the students nearby crowded around him trying to see what he was selling, save Konata, Tsukasa, Miyuki, and Kagami. And, of course, Izumi, who remained unaffected by anything related to the Lucky Star fandom due to her invisibility from the English-speaking population.

I'm not getting anywhere with Xavier, thought Aster. None of my standard attacks are working...

Then she remembered the golden thing one had to do in Lucky Star.

Reference anime.

Even in the original manga, Konata had been free to reference Vocaloid and AIR and Azumanga Daioh and all other sources of media (not as much, of course, but somewhat nevertheless). In this fandom, she didn't even to have the ability herself - everyone in it randomly was granted the ability to invoke.

Aster jumped up and yelled at the top of her lungs, "HAMMER!"

...and she pulled out the Donkey Kong hammer and slammed it on Xavier.

He clutched his head and Aster threw away the hammer.

"And get this, stupid," said Aster, "volume 2 says Konata's straight."

Suddenly everything went silent.

Aster got a beep on the communicator. It was Tash.

"Aster," she said, "you do realize you have derailed an entire ship in five words, right?"


"And that the fanboys won't ever listen to you and will make up excuses?"


"Just checking."

Aster shut the communicator off and lunged at Xavier with the prohibitor. Xavier sadly was faster than her and sprang up, producing Excalibur.

"Crap, Fate/stay night, kyaa."

Aster reached behind herself and pulled out a moon staff, yelling "Yare yare!" for some weird reason while she tried to slam Xavier with it.

"I will create utopia! I WILL BECOME A GOD!"

"Please. Now, Aster Selene commands you to cease and desist, kyaa."

"Geass does not work on the weak!"

"Darn. Look, a komodo dragon!"

"A real soldier does not give into distractions! And don't eat pasta!"

"I'll never let you get Pekopon!"

Konata was too busy stammering about how many anime references there were to Kagami, Tsukasa, and Miyuki, and how the two must really be otaku like her, to realize that there were two people up in the sky fighting. Tsukasa was saying, "Oh, really~?" and Kagami was scoffing at Konata, while Miyuki was occasionally sidetracking with intelligent input.

Finally Xavier lost it, yelled, "Screw this fandom and its boring idiocy!", opened a plothole, and vanished.

Aster blinked.

"That was anticlimactic."


"You failed."

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but - "

"I put the suefication of Lucky Star in your hands. You failed. I should have sent Willowe."

"I won't fail again," said Xavier.

The Lieutenant gave her terrifying look worse than Sonou Mori's smile. "We are perfect creatures sent in order to fulfill wishes. We cannot forget this duty. We're not perfect, as they may think. But we're the closest we can get."

"Yes, Lieutenant," said Xavier.

"They can't think they can possibly defy me. I am the youngest, most skilled, most wonderful, morally strong, and brave lieutenant in the fleet. I am the Lieutenant Mary Sue."


"Of all the idiocy in the world – "

Harriet was obviously not in a good mood. Aster wasn't clear on the details, but it had something to do with an explosion and a blowing up of some universe some time back (Aster had not had any part in this), and apparently the white-haired Agent didn't even have to take a practical exam – he was forcing them to let him in, for some duty he had to do or other. Whatever it was, it didn't sound very good.

But Aster quickly took to new life in the Society. While Aster hadn't even caught the Stu, Tash had to grumblingly admit that Aster had, in fact, passed the prerequisites for joining, despite the fact she was creating a severe disadvantage for the Society and wasn't going to be useful in any way.

"Whoa, you have a big place, kyaa~"

Aster bounced around the Society's new headquarters, the Library Arcanium, eventually looking at the huge manga section.

"There's all this manga here~!"

"Of course, any written work in the Multiverse is here. Just make sure you don't touch – hey!"

Aster had quickly bounded over to the manga shelf and was dissecting it.

"This is rare…the manga has practically disappeared from existence…"

And she yanked a whole pile off a shelf and slammed them on the floor, picking one out to read.

The other new member stared at her and blinked. At this rate, being in the Society was going to be one wild ride…

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