Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Insert Cheesy Prophetic Dream Here


A young man, on the cusp of adulthood with short black hair and dressed head-to-toe in black, was hanging upside-down on a rope in his room, which was tied around his ankle. On his free foot and on the back of both of his hands were flat stones, obviously an exercise to keep his movements under control. His eyes were closed in meditative focus.


All around him, there were scattered weapons… kusarigama, sais, shuriken, throwing knives, and off to one side was a carton of eggs, a clear dust-like substance, and a bottle of red liquid around a jar of black paint and a paintbrush. The room itself was a jade green and marked with all kinds of scrolls with Japanese kanji on it, and in the corner, fast asleep in a nest, was a giant eagle, dressed in a kind of light armor on its back, wings, and even a helm on its head.


Suddenly, the door burst open.


Cristoph, while still upside-down, somehow leapt a mile high. His foot slipped out of the rope as he fell to earth, landing very hard on the ground, which shook a little under the rookie agent's body as a familiar fae entered the room, staring at the fallen ninja in confusion. The eagle in the corner also looked up, its two yellow eyes focusing on her, wondering what had caused it to wake up.

"Aster… dare I ask what you're doing, shouting my name at three o'clock in the morning!" Cristoph said in a very loud whisper.

"There's no time, Cristoph-kun," Aster said, pulling the ninja to his feet. "Tash needs to see you about a mission!"


Tash Marquand had seen a lot of people come and apply for the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, so she figured that she had seen pretty much every kind of applicant that she felt her time as leader would throw at her. But Cristoph was different. For one thing, he was tall; far taller than most of the other Agents at a full six foot one. He also was very articulate and well-spoken; his written test was full of words much longer than might have been absolutely necessary and Tash actually needed to break out a dictionary to make his answers easier to read. But he was also highly intelligent and not too shabby in a fight. But now, his true skills would be put to the test on this, his first official mission as an agent for the Society.

When the black-clad shinobi walked into view with Aster and his giant eagle, who was named Algazdun, Tash was already picking out Starbursts out of a bowl she had pilfered from the office of Adrian, the Master of their headquarters, the Library Arcanium.

"Ah, Cristoph, good to know we can rely on you at this hour," Tash observed.

"It doesn't matter," Christoph said. "I find it difficult to sleep."

Tash blinked a moment before putting his words out of her head. "Well, anyway, our scanners have detected there is a Stu loose in the Redwall fandom. I'm told you're quite an expert on the series and I think you're the man for the job… you are, right?"

"I've read all the books up to High Rhulain, Lady Tash."

Another thing about Cristoph: polite to a fault. He always referred to everyone as "Lord this" or "Lady that." At first, Tash thought it was rather flattering, but now it was kind of creepy.

"Well, then, perhaps you could enlighten me to what the Redwall fandom is, so we get the basic idea of what we can expect from the Stu?" asked Tash, tossing him an orange starburst.

"The Redwall fandom can be likened to a constantly expanding timeline that tells the tale of creatures living in an abbey in the middle of a forest. Usually, the books will feature some lucky creature who is drawn to the Abbey by the spirit of the legendary mouse warrior, Martin, in times of crisis to defend said Abbey from some evil that may be threatening them. If I were a betting man, I'd say that the Stu may be trying to pass himself off as Martin's chosen to obtain his sword," Cristoph said, warming to his subject.

Tash smiled. "Well spoken, Cristoph. That said, I wish you best of luck and happy hunting."

Cristoph nodded, grabbing his plothole generator and disappearing into it with Algazdun. Just as the pair had disappeared, the cat-eared Master of the Library, Adrian, had reappeared.

"Hey, Tash," he said. "Have you seen my tabasco sauce? I've been looking for it everywhere."

Tash shook her head, as did Aster.

"…and are those my Starbursts?"

"Um… no…?"


Cristoph and Algazdun dropped from the plothole into a small clearing in the middle of a tall and leafy forest, the sun filtering through the canopy above him. Cristoph assumed they must be in Mossflower Country, the humongous forest that was home to Redwall Abbey. But that's not what he observed first. What he did observe first was that he was completely furry.

"What the kami-!" Cristoph pulled back his sleeves. He was now covered in the brown-orange fur of a harvest mouse. He felt his face. It was now the conical shape of a mouse's head, complete with nose and whiskers, and his ears were now more circular and higher up on his head than before. He even had a tail, for goodness sake… Aster would be squealing at this. Well, good for her. Luckily for our mouse-shaped ninja, his clothes, as well as his weapons, were now properly shaped to accommodate his new size.

Not that he was enjoying at any, mind you.

"Look at me, Algazdun," he said, turning to his giant eagle muse. "I'm a bloody furry… I don't mind visiting the Redwall fandom, but this is a bit much, wouldn't you say?"

Algazdun squawked its response.

"Well, spank you very much," Cristoph replied, his new tail swishing irritably. "I just hope nobody sees this…not unlike what happened to that Drake fellow when he went into the Warriors fandom, I heard it took him weeks to live it down…"

Algazdun proceeded to nip Cristoph's ear, a sign that meant "shut the hell up, you're getting off track." Cristoph got the point.

I wonder where I am… Cristoph wondered, quickly grabbing his scattered weapons and replacing them to their various places on his person. It'd seem like a wise idea to see just which part of the fandom I've been dropped in… and if my assumptions are correct, then Redwall Abbey would be a good place to begin my search.


Ramses Sanzovar de la Espada the Warrior brought the sword of Martin down, completing the sword form that he was peforming for the Abbey's young ones, affectionately called Dibbuns. At long last, the weapon that was his birthright had been restored, and the line of Martin the Warrior would continue. Having been a wandering warrior through most of his life, he had come to Redwall Abbey one day on a whim (after all, the Abbey's food was liable to draw anyone for miles), where he had learned about the famed warrior and his exploits. And not a moment too soon, because from out of the north came the barbaric Noric bandits and their leader, Korgann.

With the last warriors, Mariel and Dandin, leaving on an adventure to the lands south of Mossflower, Ramses was given command of the defense of Redwall Abbey. For a while, Ramses and the Redwallers managed to hold their own, but it was obvious to our Stu churchmouse that he needed the one weapon needed to defeat Korgann: the sword of his ancestor, Martin. So after exploring the annals of Redwall as taken up by past Recorders, and discovered where Rufe Brush had hidden the sword (the north arm of the weather vane on the Abbey roof), and with it as their banner, the Redwallers took the fight to the Norics and sent them far away from Mossflower.

The Redwallers adored the hero that had saved them, but someone needed to stop Ramses before Brian Jacques's noble work was ruined. And the only creature capable of bringing his regime to a close was a harvest mouse ninja and his giant eagle friend...


By the time Cristoph and Algazdun had arrived at the giant red sandstone building on the edge of Mossflower Wood, the Redwallers were having another feast in honor of their hero out in the orchard. And as many people knew (particularly those who read the series), these feasts were really huge deals. Of course, it's also because of that that nobody was going to be paying much attention to their surroundings. Cristoph jumped off of Algazdun's back onto the battlements, then took a flying leap into the treetops of the orchard, with Algazdun right behind.

"Looks pretty straightforward," the harvest mouse ninja observed, watching as the Redwallers indulged in their favorite pastime. "I just gotta find out how to distract the Stu long enough to ambush him...oh look, an apple!"

No sooner was he going to eat it when Algazdun pecked him on the head, causing him to drop it. The apple bounced and rolled away from the tree, and in so doing, caught Ramses's attention. Excusing himself from the table, he drew Martin's sword and started moving towards the trees, looking around for where it had come from. What he didn't expect to find were a mouse and an eagle in one of the apple trees, arguing over something silly as an apple. He then cleared his throat, causing those two to look up.

"Are you quite through?" Ramses asked, his voice a mixture of the gentle and the strong that had most Dibbuns and female Abbey dwellers eating out of his paws in a trice.

Cristoph merely responded by rolling over on the branch he had been crouched on, hanging from it by one foot.

"Well, you got here earlier than I expected," Cristoph observed. "At least now I don't have to worry about drawing you away from the rest of the Redwallers."

"Who are you, and what are you doing in my Abbey?" Ramses frowned.

"My name?" Cristoph rolled over again and came out of the tree. "Well, seeing as you asked... I am the dark void. I am the cold steel. I am the just sword. I am the blade cloaked in darkness that all unnatural beings of fanfiction know and fear..."

He would've continued on if Algazdun hadn't pecked his head again.

"Ow! You great bloody chicken, what was that for!" Cristoph raged at the large raptoran above him.


"Ow! Do you mind! I'm trying to set the..."

Peck. Peck.

"Ow! Okay! Fine, I'll get to the point!" Cristoph said. " name is Cristoph Asahina, of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society. And you, Ramses Sanzovar de la Espada, are under arrest for fandom mutilation and disrupting established canon."

"Oh, so you're one of those ACMSES types I keep hearing about…aren't you a little green to be handling these kinds of missions?" Ramses said, drawing the blade of Martin. "I guess your superiors are getting senile after all these missions they've been organizing…"

Cristoph reached behind him into his belt, pulling out a pair of tri-pronged long daggers, called sais, as he started toward Ramses. "I assure you, I may be green, but you have no idea what I am capable of. So I will only say this once: Give up while you still have the chance for parole later on down the road."

"Ha! Me, Ramses Sanzovar de la Espada, surrender?" Ramses said. "Well, this is what I think of your parole!"

And with that, Ramses charged the harvest mouse ninja before him, swinging the deadly steel weapon at Cristoph, making the ninja dodge roll out of the way as the blade swung at empty air.

For such a small weapon, the power it has is outstanding… no wonder the Stus are after it. Cristoph observed. If I'm going to attack him, though, it should be at a distance!

Coming out of the roll, Cristoph leapt backward, sheathing his sais as he replaced them with a set of four-blade shuriken from inside his shirt, dodging another scything swing of the blade. Eyeing the point between Ramses's eyes, Cristoph unleashed his metal barrage like one would deal a deck of cards. Ramses didn't flinch, weaving around three of the scything rings of doom before deflecting the fourth with is greatsword, the small weapon clattering harmlessly to the ground. Cursing under his breath, the ninja took out two more, throwing them simultaneously. Ramses swung the weapon down, and the two halves of the shuriken embedded themselves into the trees.

Outside, the Redwallers were starting to gather at the orchard's edge, watching Ramses and Cristoph fight.
"Great seasons!" Rufe Brush, the squirrel bellringer, shouted, taken completely by surprise. "Who on earth is that creature!"

"I know who he is… he's an assassin hired to slay me and end Martin's line once and for all," Ramses's look hardened, shouldering the greatsword in his paw. "Rufe, Skipper, get everyone in the Abbey, I'll take care of him."

It was a mass exodus as they abandoned the feast and took cover in the Abbey's main building, leaving Ramses alone with Cristoph and Algazdun. "Well then... shall we continue?"

Cristoph replied by simply pulling out a yari, a thin-bladed spear, from a strap on his back, showing off a few moves with the weapon before giving the "come at me now" gesture. Growling, Ramses grabbed the sword on his shoulder and charged at the ACMSES greenhorn, yelling, "Redwaaaaaaaall!"

Cristoph jumped back, bringing his yari into play as it clashed against the greatsword. The amount of force behind the swing staggered the harvest mouse ninja as the blade of the yari completely shattered against the humongous weapon, but not to be deterred, Cristoph quickly spun, jamming the butt of the yari into Ramses's face, forcing the churchmouse Stu back and giving him time to throw away the useless weapon and replace it with his sais.

This time, Cristoph took the initiative, dashing at Ramses in order to jam both long knives into the Stu, but Ramses managed to duck away, allowing his greatsword to take the points of both weapons instead as he drew back for another cleaving swing. Realizing a swing like that would literally lop him in half, Cristoph jumped back, which then turned into a back flip, attempting to catch the blades in the sais' prongs, only to have one sai have its point split in half down the middle and the second one have one of the prongs shorn off with the consistency of a laser cutter. Either way, both weapons were now as useless as his yari, so he tossed them aside, drawing his ninjato (a variation of the samurai katana, made with a tapered edge and a longer sheath for faster draws), but Ramses was already there, swinging Martin's sword. Cristoph parried awkwardly, the tempered steel weapon flying out of his hands as he stumbled back towards the stairs leading up to the ramparts.

This time, Cristoph brought out a kusarigama, a scythe with a long ball and chain on the end, swinging it in a circle as Ramses came back, Martin's blade ready. Cristoph swung, and the ball and chain smacked him across the head, then was swiftly retracted as the harvest mouse ninja continued to backtrack, swinging the weapon as he began to back out into the corridor. Ramses followed, weapon ready. Once they were on the ramparts, Cristoph struck again, this time wrapping the chain around Ramses's greatsword and yanking hard. He didn't let go, but Ramses was pulled forward, giving Cristoph a chance to plant his scythe into his shoulder.

Howling in pain, Ramses kicked Cristoph away, bringing down the greatsword on the chained weapon, cleaving it in half instantly. Swearing, Cristoph tossed the useless thing.

"What will you do now, greenhorn?" asked Ramses. "You've no more weapons to use and I think you're fresh out of parlor tricks."

"Actually, I've still got one thing…" Cristoph pulled out a black egg from his pocket, tossing it deftly and showing it to Ramses. The Stu cackled, which was weird for a Stu, but perfectly normal for everyone else who heard it. After all, Ramses was a mouse of many quirks.

"An egg? You're going to heckle me to death?" he said. "Oh, that's rich… you really are a greenhorn, aren't you?"

"Heckle THIS!" Cristoph said, throwing the egg at him like a baseball.

Ramses smirked, merely raising his blade so that the egg would crack and send its contents elsewhere…but what came out certainly wasn't egg yolk, as red liquid splashed into the Stu's eyes. Its effects were immediate.

"MY EYES!" the Stu howled in pain, dropping his sword as he rubbed at his stained eyes. "GREAT MERCIFUL SEASONS, IT BURNS! IT BURNS WITH THE PAIN OF A THOUSAND SUNS!"

"You're damn right it does," said Cristoph, pulling out a couple knives in his boots. "You insulted my honor, and you threaten one of my favorite fandoms with crack and out of character acts! Oh, you underestimated me, Stu, and you'll soon know the price for not giving a ninja his due."

"How could I… be defeated by you?" Ramses asked, looking at him through his blinded eyes. "This isn't possible… this is madness!"

Cristoph couldn't pass it up. Pulling down his cowl, he gave the rejoinder in his best impression of Leonidas. "Madness…? THIS! IS! REDWALL!"

And in true 300 fashion, the harvest mouse kicked Ramses off the wall, watching him fall to the ground until Algazdun grabbed him about fifty feet from death. After that, it was relatively easy to cuff a Prohibitor on Ramses's wrist once Algazdun brought Ramses to him, and then drag him into the plothole leading back into the Library…


"Well, congrats on your first successful mission," Tash said approvingly. "I have to admit, that last bit at the end with the egg, very clever."

Cristoph bowed modestly, pulling out another black egg. "Amazing, isn't it? This thing is the original Mace."

"Another thing we might want to congratulate you on," Adrian added. "I don't think anyone's managed to make Tash say 'bollocks' more times in a single day than she does in a week after watching you."

"But coming back to your success, I dare say you've done more than enough to secure this," Tash said, tossing him an ACMSES badge. "Welcome to the crew, Cristoph Asahina. You'll do us proud. We'll contact you again if the need arise."

"Thank you, Lady Tash," Cristoph bowed again, turning to leave the area and return to his room.

"Erm, Cristoph, one more thing," Adrian stopped him. "…what's in those eggs?"

Cristoph turned his head towards the Librarian and spoke only two words. "Tabasco sauce."

"Tabasco sauce… how interesting, I never would thought of-hey, wait a second!" Adrian realized something, but by the time he returned his gaze to where Cristoph had been, he was gone.

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