Saturday, October 29, 2011

Insert Dragon Rider With Oriental Features Here

The small fandom orbited the great multidimensional cosmos on the outer rim of the Games section. One could easily overlook it, there were far larger and far more popular fandoms around it, but fact was the fandom had caught the attention of one Stu. The lack of interest in writing for the fandom meant a lack of Sues, so he easily moved in and conquered the fandom and not even the Society noticed the plight of the small fandom.

Raven had chosen to build his fortress over a giant lake. It was a large castle, as castles tend to go with gargoyles and ravens carved into it. Around the black castle were several small buildings, the homes of Raven's soldiers.

A slew of creatures patrolled the massive walls around the lake. Humanoid creatures dressed in pants and two leather belts over there chest, wielding futuristic guns. Their heads extended out into a reptile-like snout and two rows of three mechanical spines jutted out of their backs with tubes running from the spines to the rest of the creatures' bodies. A hulking black monster with a long pink tongue, sharp white teeth, white patches for eyes, and a white spider symbol on his chest crouched on the railing of the wall. Boromir of Gondor stood next to Venom. Jak leaned against the inner railing, a furry orange rodent perched on his shoulder. The youth studied the darkening clouds with a grumpy expression.

White humanoid robots milled around just inside the wall, while several exhaustible organic creatures stood around, falling asleep at their posts. Elf archers and dwarf warriors out of Lord of the Rings, Agent Kay and Agent Jay of Men In Black, a cowboy resembling Clint Eastwood were just a few outside of the huts. This odd army was on alert because though Raven had conquered most of the fandom, he had left a small collection of the canon armies alive and rumor said that they had banded together.

Beside the massive castle's door hung a sign, declaring "Wanted! Lab Assistant! Tired of stepping into fandoms and conquering them? Want a less-demanding job? Then apply inside! No prior experience necessary."

Raven sighed as he sat behind the desk in his office. The head of a red dragon with a long snout and long bone-like horns hung on the wall behind him. Next to the dragon head was the snake-like head of some kind of green reptile and to the other side hung a large robot's head.

He could have just plucked some character out of a fandom to be his assistant like he had done in building his army, but he wanted someone almost on his own level, which meant a Sue. He hated most Sues and Stus though. Their huge ego would not allow them to be content as a mere lab assistant.

The Stu was considering building a lab assistant from scratch as if he had built Super-Sue when a short pink haired Sue with blue eyes entered the room. She looked lost for a moment, but caught sight of Raven sitting in his large comfortable armchair quickly enough.

"Are you here about the job?" Raven asked. The Sue smiled at him and the corners of Raven's mouth twitched upward for a moment. Three Sues had already shown up just to mock him for thinking of recruiting an assistant from their ranks. There were now three badly maimed and bloody corpses stuffed into his closet.

"Yep," the Sue chirped, her smile growing wider. "I always wanted to be a lab assistant! Or at least I think I did…"

Raven frowned. "Do you want the job or not?"

She flinched back from his harsh glare. "Yes, I do. Do you have health insurance?"

"Yes, it covers boot print removal, burn surgery, dental, Cliché Stick bites, any form of cancer provided you caught it from having a warhead dropped on you, being struck by an elemental magic-charged kick, a random blast of magic, or high explosives."

"Suppose I trip down a flight of stairs?"

"Then you're on your own."


"Henshin, Darkness."

"Wardrobe Change."

Pete and Drake both activated their respective armors. The two stood across from each other in one of the Library's training rooms. Several other agents and random background characters stood or sat around the mat. Some were betting Adrian's stolen chocolate on an outcome.

Pete slowly drew his sword, while Drake summoned his spear. Pete raised his sword, while Drake held his spear to the side. The two combatants charged and swung their weapons, steel clanged as they connected.

"Hey, guys! Mission briefing!" Tash said, stepping into the room.

Drake and Pete broke off their battle with identical exclamations of disappointment. The spectators also groaned, but they broke up and funneled towards the exit.

"Why did she pick now to barge into the room?" Drake asked as his armor vanished.

"Blame the author," Tyler said.

"We got a Sue in the Temeraire fandom-"

"I volunteer!" Everyone looked up from staring at the wall to find that Drake had jumped out of his seat and raised his hand. He was smiling like an excited little kid at Christmas.

"Okay," Tash nodded. "Since you're obviously familiar with the fandom and we don't have much on it, could you give us a quick rundown of it?"

"Sure," Drake said walking around to the front of the briefing room. "Okay, it starts out on the high seas with an English ship capturing a French-"

"Just a quick rundown, not a detailed summary of the entire series," Tash interrupted Drake now.

"Right," Drake blushed in embarrassment. "It's basically historical fiction, the Napoleonic Wars with air forces. Air forces composed of dragons, their riders, and crews. There are several different breeds of dragons, each suited to different tasks. You have heavy weights, mid weights, and light weights along with different species possessing different kinds of breathe abilities, the most prized being the fire breathers."

"So the Sue's going to try and become the Rider of a fire breather?" Adrian asked.

Drake shook his head. "No, the fire breathers are rare, but not so much that a Sue might want one. What she's probably after is a Celestial. There are only a handful of them in existence and they're very powerful dragons, bred by the Chinese."

"How difficult would it be to get a Celestial?" Adrian asked.

"Very," Drake said. "But unfortunately, there is a point in the story where a Celestial is left without a companion. Which part of the series has the Sue entered?"

"The second book," Tash replied after a quick glance at the piece of paper on the desk.

"Damn," Drake frowned. "That's exactly what she's up to."

"She's someone you've encountered before," Tash said. "Amanda Shoemaker Orlando Disney Seaworld."

"Ah, a familiar thorn-in-the-side," Drake frowned. "Better go find that Sue and disintegrate with extreme prejudice."

"You mean capture, right?" Tash asked with a stern glare.

"Yes, of course," Drake said, pulling out a portal gun.

"Hold up one second," Camille interrupted, pulling something out of somewhere. The something was a small transparent cube with a red button on top of it. She tossed it to Drake who ungracefully caught the device.

"What is it?"

"A writer's block," Camille replied. "Just press the button on top and it will expand into a nearly invisible wall through which nothing non-canon can pass. Make sure you toss it between two walls or something, or it will just expand until it can't no more and pop."

Drake nodded and pocketed the writer's block.


The China in Temeraire was drastically different from the one in the real world. If you had landed in England, depending on the location, you would have found it almost exactly as it was during the real Napoleonic War era.

The streets were wide, enough for several lanes of traffic, but they weren't large for human convenience. Dragons could easily fit into these massive streets and move about amongst the human population.

For once, Drake didn't wear his usual t-shirt and jacket. He was dressed in the clothes of a British pheasant, much to his annoyance. He thought it unfair that he had to be dressed as a commoner when the girls had all dressed up as rich heiress in the Luxe series fandom, but Tash insisted that he do nothing to attract attention to himself. He muttered that he was going to be a Caucasian in an Asian city and he would be hard pressed not to be noticed. Tash had pretended not to hear him.

Drake suddenly felt very small as he stood in the streets, especially after a large red dragon walked past. He wished he could remember the name of that species and made a note to reread the entire book series. It was shameful being unable to remember the names of some of the more common dragon species, even if they were only in one book…

He pulled his communicator out of a pocket. "Camille, can you get me a map of the fandom?"

"One moment please," she replied sounding like a telephone operator.

A map of the Chinese city replaced the technician-turned agent's face. Drake stared at the map for several seconds. Amanda wasn't throwing her powers around sparingly. Unfortunately, all this Sue energy radiating everywhere made tracking her exact location rather difficult.

"Guess I'll start at the palace," Drake spoke aloud for the benefit of the other agents and the readers. He turned off the communicator and stuffed it into his pocket.


Amanda had thought long and hard after fleeing the Freakazoid! fandom. Granted, the fandom had been easy enough to get into, but she had chosen her powers poorly and Freakazoid himself hadn't been much help.
So she decided on a more serious fandom where she could seduce more reliable characters to her side. Characters that could defend her from whoever the Society sent. She hoped it would be Drake.

Her backstory in this fandom was pretty standard. She was born to an Englishman visiting China and a local woman. Her father abandoned her and Amanda was disliked by her peers for being of mixed parentage. This accounted for the stereotypical tragic past. She taught herself to wield a sword and quickly became a master swordswoman.

She lived as a thief until meeting Laurence. The British air force captain had been dragged to the oriental city by the political machinations of the Chinese. They were none too happy about one of their rare Celestials being the companion of a common soldier. So Laurence and his dragon, Temerarie, were shipped off to China when Temeraire refused to part with his companion.

"Hey, could we skip the rest of this?" Amanda shouted at the sky. "Every Temeraire fan probably knows this anyway.

Well, you know other Society members are bound to read this and I don't think too many of them are familiar with the series

"Fine," Amanda sighed. "Just hurry up with the last of the narration."

So after lots of attempts by Prince Yongxing, the villain of this particular arc, to convince Temeraire to leave Laurence, or have Laurence assassinated, the protagonists discovered his plans and a duel erupted between Temeraire and Yongxing's dragon Lien. Yongxing was accidentally killed during this match.

"Finally," Amanda rolled her eyes. "Can we get back to my story now?"

"Since when was this your story?" Drake asked, stepping out of the crowd and approaching the Sue.
He glared at Amanda. The Sue's appearance had changed a little since he'd last seen her. Her face looked more Asian and she wasn't quite so tall, but wasn't short either. She was dressed in a rather slutty outfit that looked like it belonged in an anime or video game rather than a historical fiction book. She drew a katana from the sheathe at her side.

"This time you're not foiling my plans," Amanda said, then lunged forward.

Drake raised his arm, summoning his armor. The blade bounced off his forearm with a loud metallic clang. She swung the sword again, aiming for his other side. Drake didn't even bother moving to block and the katana just bounced off the armor with another clang.

"How many times are you going to try that before you realize it doesn't work?" Drake asked. Amanda raised the sword over her head. She swung the sword down as Drake raised his arm. He caught the blade between his pointer and middle finger; he kicked Amanda in the gut sending her flying back.

"You can thank Rio Kurojishi for that little move," Drake said, twirling the katana between his fingers
An enraged roar sounded from overhead and Drake glanced up to see a large white dragon dive out of the sky. The Celestial landed next to Amanda and bent over the girl with a concerned expression.

Drake took several steps back from the massive reptile. "I don't believe it. You actually got Lien under your spell?"

"It was easy," Amanda smirked widely. "I just convinced her that Yongxing was an evil, nasty person."

"She loved Yongxing," Drake snarled back. "You completely warped her character."

Drake flung the katana back at its owner. Lien's tail swung up and whipped Drake into the air. He crashed into the side of a building and then to the ground. He groaned and pushed himself back to his feet, noticing that the katana had missed its target by a few feet.

"You'll regret harming Amanda," Lien growled. She took a deep breath and her sides seemed to inflate.

Drake's eyes widened behind his helmet and he made a run for it. He leapt just as Lien unleashed the loudest roar he had ever heard. The wave of sound crashed into the building Drake had just bounced off and blew it apart. Drake himself had barely managed to get out of the way and now turned to run again.

Amanda climbed unto Lien's back as she kneeled down and then the two started after the fleeing Society agent. She closed in on Drake with giant strides.

Drake pulled out the Writer's Block and tossed it behind him. The cube expanded into a glass-like wall between two buildings. Lien passed through the wall as though it weren't there, but her passenger slammed into the barrier and was carried off the dragon's back. Amanda hung against the wall, looking like a bug smeared against a windshield before she slowly slid off it unto the ground. Lien turned back to help her partner and Drake made good use of the distraction by ducking into an alley.

"Drought Punch!"

A fistful of red energy slammed into Drake's face and sent him flying back. Ekard, clad in his red armor, stepped out of the alley. "Hello, my otherworldly counterpart. Did you miss me?"

"Hey, Lassie. How do you like your new ears?" Drake asked as he pushed himself up. His stance was shaky.

"You'll pay for that embarrassment," Ekard said.

Drake looked to the side and saw Lien advancing on him.

Ekard followed his glance. "Amanda, I would suggest you get out of here. I can handle things from here."

"Right, let's go, Lien," Amanda said.

The white Celestial paused, stepped back through the wall and helped Amanda unto her back. The dragon took to the sky.

"Sure, it's a wise idea to send such a powerful helper away?" Drake asked.

"You just got hit by a dragon's tail and then my Drought Punch," Ekard reminded him. "You won't be walking away from this."

"Then let's tango," Drake said, raising his fists.

Ekard charged forward and swung a punch at Drake, who blocked the attack. The doppelganger's other hand shot out and karate chopped Drake's shoulder. Drake cried out in pain and tried to boot Ekard away, but he jumped back first and summoned his spear. He swung the weapon up and across Drake's chest. He thrust forward with the spear as Drake brought up his cape. The fabric hardened and the spear bounced off it, sending Ekard reeling long enough for Drake to land a kick to the stomach. Ekard growled and slammed his spear against the ground.

"Erupting Earth!" An arc of red energy traveled across the ground and struck Drake, knocking him back several feet.

"Mess with nukes!"

Drake glanced up and saw a nuclear warhead dropping towards him. He rolled to the side, but the blast still caught him and sent him flying several feet. Ekard raised his cape, which solidified into a golden substance to shield himself from the inferno.

"Nice shot," Ekard said as Neb stepped forward.

Drake gasped in pain as he rolled over. His armor was severely scorched and his cape was burned almost completely away.

"Man, this just isn't you week," Ekard commented as he approached his counterpart. "Doesn't this make two missions in a row you got thrashed?"

Drake grunted in reply and turned to face the two Protection Society members. The glass of his visor was smashed out and the two could see the expression of pain and rage in his eyes.

"Oh, well. I promise I'll make this as painful as possible," Ekard said as red energy began crackling around his foot.

"Gee, thanks," Drake said. He raised his arms as blue energy began building around his foot.

"Drought Kick!" Ekard shouted, leaping into the air.

"Storm Kick!" Drake bellowed back, but instead of copying Ekard he kicked a piece of debris that Neb's nuke had released from the street. The rock went flying and crashed into Ekard with explosive force, sending him falling back to the ground.

"It's been fun, guys, but I got to jet," Drake said holding up a stopwatch. Neb lifted a cart and tossed it, but Drake clicked the button and everything faded to black. "I love Scene Transitions."


Amanda smiled brightly as she entered her room on the HMS Allegiance. Since Temeraire and Laurence's dispute with the Chinese had been solved, they would now be returning to England. Amanda had decided to skip the next two books in favor of an early return to Britain, where she would further manipulate events to bring the war to an end with her and Lien playing a significant part in the final battle.

"Ah, it's good to be a Sue," Amanda said, her grin somehow growing even broader.

The door was shoved open and banged against the wall. One of Amanda's servants, dressed in oriental garb entered the room. He was wearing a hat and had his head bowed. A plate of food was balanced on his palm.

"Don't slam doors!" Amanda snapped, approaching the servant.

As she reached for the plate, the servant tossed it to the side and grabbed her wrist with his other hand he quickly snapped a Prohibitor on her arm. The "servant" raised his head and Drake smirked at Amanda. "Surprised to see me?"

Amanda gasped and tried to pull her hand out of his grip, but with her Sue powers negated she didn't have much luck. Drake had a Band-Aid on his cheek and his forehead as well as several bruises.

"How'd you get away from your copy?" Amanda asked.

"I opened a Plothole and Neb's cart went flying through it and then I leapt through the Plothole," Drake explained. "Now I have to go fix the hole the cart left in the cook book section, so come along quietly."

Amanda jammed her fist into Drake's gut. He grunted in pain and she pulled her wrist away. She ran for the door, but Drake tackled her to the ground. "Nice try, but nobody escapes from me twice, except for Abigail."

A loud crash echoed around Raven's lab as glass shattered against the stone floor. Raven growled and turned to face his new assistant.

"Sorry," Marion laughed nervously.

"That's the fifth beaker you've broken in the last ten minutes," Raven said slowly, his face filled with anger. "Are you sure you're a Sue?"

"I'm just a little clumsy," Marion replied, backing away from Raven. She bumped the table behind her and somehow sent it flipping onto its side. The table's contents shattered against the floor. "Oops."

Raven clenched his fists in rage. He summoned his sword and leapt at Marion. The clumsy Sue screamed in fear and ran for her life.

No comments:

Post a Comment