Thursday, December 22, 2011

Insert Walking Arsenal of Death Here

Adrian clung tightly to the bag of candy in his hand. With Halloween approaching, it was getting even harder to keep the other agents from stealing his precious collection of sweets. He glanced back down the hall. The hallway was lined with cardboard boxes, which were going to be moved upstairs and the Halloween decorations within unpacked.

Just a little farther and I can hide this, Adrian thought as he turned and continued on his way. One of the boxes lifted up and crept after him. Adrian paused, the box quickly stopped moving and dropped back to the floor, Adrian spun around a moment later.

The Librarian frowned. He turned and took several steps, before spinning around and finding the box had moved a few feet forward. He nodded to himself and reached for a torch hanging on the wall. He twisted the torch down and a mechanical click sounded.

"Oh, crap," the box's occupant muttered as the trapdoor opened. Drake screamed as gravity took effect.


"For the last time, no," Raven stared sternly at the Amazonian Sue.

Super-Sue still possessed her rainbow colored hair, but she was less muscular than during her last encounter with the Society (and the readers). She had also switched to wearing just a bright red bodysuit and had tied her long hair into a ponytail.

"I don't want to go to the Ratchet and Clank fandom," Super-Sue whined. "There aren't any handsome protagonists or villains to date there. Except maybe Quark, but he's kind of stupid and old."

"We have to make sure the modifications I made to you were effective," Raven sighed. "And we're doing it in that fandom, whether you like it or not. You can get a boyfriend after we've accomplished my evil plan."

Super-Sue glared at Raven, then turned and stormed out of his office.

The villain Stu sighed and leaned back in his incredibly comfortable, yet stylishly evil chair. "Darn experiments. You grow them from a few cells, give them the best test tube available, feed them, clothe them, and how do they repay you?"

"Hey, it's all part of being an evil genius," Marion said, pausing in her dusting to smile at her boss.

"Oh, shut up," Raven sighed.


"I'd better not miss the party because of this," Drake muttered as he shoved a large silver gun into a nondescript backpack. The pack seemed to suck the gun into itself and didn't get any larger. Drake already had several weapons from the Society armory crammed into it. He normally wouldn't have bothered with weaponry, but since he was heading for the Ratchet and Clank fandom, he thought it would a good idea to make an exception for once. "I haven't even picked out a costume yet."

"You've got plenty of time," Tyler pointed out. "The only way you'll miss the party is if you run into big trouble and end up in a hospital bed for a couple of weeks."

"That seems to have been happening quite a lot lately…" Drake frowned.

He slung the backpack over his shoulders and pulled out his Plothole Generator.

"If I'm not back in half an hour, wait another half an hour," Drake opened a plothole and leapt through it. He exited the plothole and immediately sank up to his sneakers in mud.

He groaned and glanced around. He was on planet Joba in the Bogon Galaxy of the second game. It was a tropical rainforest sort of planet with the occasional presence of technology. The opening to what was probably a bunker stood just behind him. He frowned, swearing this place looked familiar, but not quite placing it.

The hum of an engine reached his ears and he spun around as a crowd of hoverbikes raced towards him. Drake quickly realized he was in the middle of a racetrack.

"Wardrobe Change," Drake commanded as the leader bore down on him. His armor materialized in a flash of light as Drake leapt onto the front of the approaching bite, he leapt off it, kicked off the shoulder of the second place biker, and grabbed the low branch of a tree. He sighed and hauled himself onto the branch, his armor vanishing as soon as he was securely atop it.

Drake wasted several seconds trying to find a way off the racecourse. Unfortunately, the way they were constructed in video games meant you couldn't leave one until the race was over or you opened the pause menu and quit. Drake pulled out a Playstation controller and went with the second option.

"I knew this thing would come in handy," Drake chuckled as he tossed the controller up and down.

A floating blank screen caught his attention. After glancing around and determining that this had not been a part of the game's canon he approached it. The screen flickered on and a short pink haired girl Drake had never seen before appeared against a black background.

"What am I supposed to do?" she asked glancing to the right off the screen.

"Just read the card!" a voice hissed quietly from off screen.

"Okay," Marion glanced down and read. "Haha! Foolish Society Agent! I have conquered this fandom. If you wish to try and thwart my powers of perfection, then I challenge you to fight me at the Megacorp Arena!"

She glanced to her left and smiled. "How was that?"

Drake sighed as the screen blinked off. "This is not what I wanted to be doing with my Halloween. Couldn't the Sues at least take holidays off?"

He turned and started in the direction of the arena. It didn't take long for him to run into a pack of natives. The blue aliens were tall and humanoid with long necks and large, tusk-like teeth. They wore red armor including a helmet that reminded Drake of those worn by World War I pilots. They wielded swords and laser guns. A large purple two-legged creature trotted around with one of the aliens astride its back.

Taking cover around a corner, Drake removed his backpack and pulled a large silvery weapon out of it. He tossed it to the side and pulled out a light saber. He chucked this away as well.

"Aha!" he yanked out a remote controlled monster truck and set it down. He removed some duct tape and several pounds of C4 from the pack, strapped the C4 to the truck and pulled out the remote control and the detonator. He carefully drove the car around the corner and towards the group of aliens. One of the creatures noticed the toy and stopped to pick it up. He grunted in his native tongue and the rest of the group came to examine his bizarre discovery.

"Yes!" Drake hit the detonator and the C4 exploded. Pieces of armor and alien gore shot everywhere. Drake leaned around the corner and saw a massive blackened crater where the aliens had been. "Note to self, four pounds of C4 may be a bit excessive."

He stuffed his supplies back into the pack and stepped around the corner. He spent a few minutes on platform puzzles that I won't bore you with describing. As he hauled himself up the last ledge, he sighed as he spotted another group of aliens. One noticed him and let out an alarm cry. The tribe charged at him with weapons raised.

Drake reached into his backpack and drew out a random weapon. He pulled the trigger and balls of blue paint splattered against the creatures. The unharmed aliens stopped and laughed at his ineffective weapon. Drake glanced down at the Paintinator. He tossed the paint gun to the side and pulled out another weapon. This one was to a pistol what a pistol was to a machine gun. The aliens nearly fell onto the ground as they laughed hysterically.

"You guys obviously never saw Men in Black," Drake remarked before pulling the trigger. The recoil from the shot sent him flying back into the air several feet and straight off the edge he had just climbed.


A grappling hook buried itself in the hard metal of the arena dome. Drake tugged on the line to make sure it was secure. Satisfied, Drake took hold of the rope and leapt off the edge. He yelled as he swung towards the wall of rock. He crashed into the wall with a loud smack. "No pain, no reign of terror."

With the touch of a button, the grappling hook retracted. Drake hummed as he was slowly hauled to safety. He sighed as his feet found solid ground. He pulled a crowbar out of his backpack and approached the wall.
The Sue's horrible acting didn't fool him. Going in the front way would surely lead to a trap. All those months breaking into Adrian's sweet storehouses was about to pay off! He stabbed the point of the crowbar against the arena's metal. A loud mechanical hum sounded and Drake vanished in a flash of green light.


Raven slouched against the railing of the arena bleachers. Marion was sitting next to him, eating from a large bucket of popcorn. She was munching very audibly. Raven had quit glancing over at her after meeting his first sight of chewed-up yellow mush. Super-Sue was standing at one end of the arena, impatiently twirling her hair.

A flash of light blazed and faded to reveal a puzzled Drake still clutching his crowbar.

"Ah, Drake! So glad you could join us!" Raven exclaimed as he stood up. "Welcome to the first live test of Super-Sue Version 7.8."

"You planned this whole thing?" Drake asked, tossing the crowbar aside.

"Yes, after I realized my lab assistant lacked acting skills," he shot a sideways glance at Marion. "I set up a teleportation trap around the whole stadium. All so you could experience the power of my revamped creation."

"Now, prepare to die," Super-Sue smirked.

"Wow, she talks now," Drake gasped. "Just token bad-guy phrases, but it's an improvement over the silent, mindless zombie of two fics ago."

The Sue growled and started towards him. She reached back and pulled out her ponytail, time slowed as she shook her head, sending her long lustrous strands billowing majestically. A grenade slammed into her and obscured the whole scene in a fiery explosion.

"You shouldn't move in slow mo unless everyone else agrees to," Drake said, leaning the grenade launcher against his shoulder.

"I'll remember that!" Super-Sue shouted as she emerged from the cloud of smoke without a scratch on her.

"Oh, crap," Drake muttered. He aimed the launcher and fired another grenade. Super-Sue caught the projectile out of the air, smirked at Drake, and then hurled the grenade back.

"Wardrobe Change!" Drake's armor materialized as he dropped the grenade launcher and leapt to the side. The explosion sent him flying a bit farther then he intended and he almost rolled off into the electrified pit surrounding the arena.

Super-Sue blurred out of sight and reappeared standing over Drake a second later. She pulled her arm back and threw a punch, Drake rolled to the side and her fist dented the floor rather than his skull.

He summoned his spear in a flash of light and swung it at her, but she blocked the sharp blade with one finely manicured fingernail. Still using only her finger, she batted the spear to the side and kicked Drake in the chest. His armor sparked from the blow and he went flying halfway across the arena a second time.

The Society Agent leapt back to his feet and pulled two handguns from his backpack. One was a sub-machine pistol, the other a futuristic unidentified handgun from Men in Black. He pointed both at Super-Sue and opened fire.

A whip of pink energy extended from her wrist and she swatted the barrage away as she moved towards Drake. The machine pistol clicked empty and he tossed it to the side, pulling out a laser gun to replace it. A lance of red energy shot from it, but Super-Sue raised an arm and beam of white light shot from her palm, hitting the red laser bolt and pushing it back with ease. Drake rolled to avoid the blast and grabbed a shotgun, as he came up just a few feet from Super-Sue. He fired a spray of shotgun pellets, as Super-Sue turned transparent. The shots harmlessly passed through her.

She gestured and a blast of wind knocked the shotgun out of his arms. Her arm shot forward and her vice-like hand closed around Drake's throat, lifting him off the ground.

"Looks like you worked out the bugs," Marion commented from the stands.

"Yes, but I would like to see just how powerful she is," Raven mused. "Besides a one sided battle is no fun."

"So are you going to run more tests?" Marion asked.

Drake's spear reappeared in his hands and he stabbed it towards Super-Sue, her free hand shot up and caught it before it could damage any cleavage… I mean pierce her chest. The spear vanished with a flash, moving to Drake's other hand. He swung the weapon up and Super-Sue barely managed to lean her head out of the way in time. She released his neck and blurred several steps back.

Strands of rainbow colored hair floated to the ground. Super-Sue raised a hand to her head and felt her hair. She glared at Drake even as her recently cut hair began growing back to its original length.

"You can regenerate your hair?" Drake asked. "Talk about useless super-powers."

"Shut up!" Super-Sue shouted, cupping her hands together. A blinding blue light appeared in her palms as she thrust them forward. Drake leapt into the air as the truck sized beam shot towards him. It missed and instead tore a hole in the arena wall, taking out part of the unoccupied bleachers.

Okay, that's it. I'm out of here! Drake thought as he pulled out his Plothole Generator. Super-Sue blurred and appeared in front of him, landing a punch to the gut, followed by a knee to the helmet. She grabbed the Plothole Generator and wrenched it out of the dazed agent's hand. She crushed it, the device exploding, as all small electronic devices are wont to do.

Still seeing stars, Drake drew his arm back, blue energy crackling around his fist. He swung his fist forward praying it would connect with the blurry figure of Super-Sue. Fortunately, it did and sent her flying across the arena. Drake pulled out a Writer's Block and tossed it down. It quickly expanded and blocked off the half of the arena Super-Sue stood on. Drake flopped down and pressed a hand against his aching head.

Super-Sue formed an energy whip and lashed it against the transparent wall. A thunderous crack filled the room as it struck, but the wall didn't budge. She screamed in rage and began bombarding the Writer's Block with massive energy blast after massive energy blast. During the assault, the wall didn't budge an inch.

Drake groaned and rubbed his head. The yelling, exploding, and bright flashes of light was aggravating his quickly growing headache. He glanced towards the hole Super-Sue had blasted in the wall and considered running for it, but if he tried, Super-Sue might realize she could blast through the side of the arena to chase him. He tried his communicator, but a screen of static meant his eyes. Raven seemed to have figured out a way to short out his electronic gadgets.

The Sue finally stopped hammering the barrier and hovered to the ground, seething with rage.

"Giving up?" Drake asked, smirking beneath his helmet.

Super-Sue smirked and turned transparent, sinking into the floor. Drake stepped back as she hovered back out of the floor, now on his side of the Writer's Block.

"Slicing Gale!" Drake exclaimed, swinging his spear and sending three arcs of blue wind magic at her. Super-Sue thrust her arm forward and blew Drake and his attack back with a blast of wind.

Drake yelled as he dropped towards the electrified edge of the arena. He summoned his spear and stabbed it into the wall. It penetrated the hard metal and Drake spun around on the handle, landing on top of it.

Super-Sue appeared above him and grabbed his backpack. He yelped as she shot toward the ceiling. They reached the massive cylinder that served as the cage match arena. Super-Sue was quickly ascending to the top.

Ripping free of his backpack, Drake dropped towards the cylinder's wall. He kicked off it, changing direction and flying at Super-Sue. His armored fist slammed into her cheek. She recovered in seconds and swatted him, sending him crashing into the wall.

"Kamehameha!" Super-Sue cupped her hands together, blue energy glowing in her palms. Drake pushed himself out of the imprint of himself in the wall and charged headfirst down the wall. Super-Sue unleashed her attack, blasting away the wall behind him and catapulting him into the air.

His spear appeared in hand and he stabbed it into the wall, spinning around on it and letting go, flying back up at Super-Sue. His feet slammed into her… chest…

"That hurt!" Super-Sue exclaimed.

"I find that hard to believe," Drake said as he sat on the top of the cylinder. "There's no way those are real."

"They're real!" she growled.

"Suuure, real silicon."

"Die!" she spun around and launched a blast of white light from her palm.

Drake was already pushing off his resting spot and was well away from the blast. Super-Sue blurred up next to him and landed a kick, sending him crashing into the wall. This time he went sliding down it. Super-Sue landed on the opposite wall and slide as well. She began tossing yellow energy balls at him. Drake flipped into the air, avoiding the first salvo. He touched back down on the wall and kicked off it, going flying at Super-Sue. She leapt to meet him, fist drawn back.

"Double Storm Kick!" Drake exclaimed as storm clouds began gathering on the ceiling above. Flashing rainbow energy enveloped Super-Sue's fist. Drake thrust both of his legs forward, lightning shooting down from the ceiling and enveloping his feet in crackling blue energy. Wind howled, the sound of roars echoing almost unheard over the gale. The attacks met in a massive explosion over the arena.

"Now, that's what I'm talking about!" Raven exclaimed as the fireball illuminated the stands. He tossed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"Can I have my popcorn back?" Marion asked.


"You're mean!" Marion whined.

"Not mean, evil," Raven corrected.

Drake yelled as he was catapulted back through the air, his armor covered in dents and pieces broken off, his helmet was almost nonexistent. He crashed through the wall of the cylinder and kept flying, hitting the wall of the arena dome itself.

Super-Sue cackled maniacally as she hovered over to him. He groaned and struggled against the metal his impact had mangled into a tight silhouette around him.

"You're a fool!" Super-Sue laughed. "You think you can beat me? The most perfect of the most perfect race in all existence? Ha! You never had a chance against me!"

Raven frowned disapprovingly as he stared up at his creation.

"You can't use most to describe perfect," Drake pointed out.

"Say good-bye!" Super-Sue drew her fist back. Drake groaned and pulled himself free of the metal, he grabbed hold of Super-Sue's hair as he fell. She shrieked in pain and rage, spinning around. Drake gasped and hung on for dear life. She spun back the other way and slammed Drake into the wall. A smirk appeared on her mouth and she spun around again, but Drake let go and went flying across the arena.

He flew through the hole he had made in the cylinder and hit the wall across from it, stabbing his freshly summoned spear into it. A shockwave of wind magic coursed from the spearhead into the cylinder, damaging its structure even more.

Super-Sue huffed in annoyance and flashed in front of Drake. Drake screamed and leapt away from the wall, swinging his spear at Super-Sue. Blasts of wind went flying at her, but she batted them to the side. Drake hit a second later and his spear connected with her stomach, carrying her with him. She turned intangible and Drake flew through her. He struck the other side of the wall and slammed his spear into it. Another shockwave of wind energy went through the metal and glass.

He ripped off the remains of his cape and leapt at Super-Sue. His leap carried him above her and he dropped the cape down over her head. She shot off an energy blast, vaporizing the cape and putting another hole in the cylinder. The blast singed the side of Drake's armor. He flipped around and sent several arcs of wind magic hurling at the cylinder.

The structure groaned in protest and began breaking apart. Slowly, it fell from the ceiling. His muscles screaming in protest, Drake rebounded off the wall at Super-Sue again. She was staring at the falling debris with wide eyes. Her super-senses warned her of Drake's approach though and she spun around and slammed both her hands into him. He fell towards the ground, bouncing off the top of the Writer's Block first, and then hitting the arena floor. He tried to get up, but his limbs refused to respond.

Super-Sue looked up just as a large fragment of wall slammed into her. It propelled her down and she too bounced off the Writer's Block. The rest of the cylinder's remains toppled down, filling the arena with a deafening roar and throwing up clouds of dust.

Marion stared at the wreckage with a horrified expression while Raven stood and began to applaud. "Bravo!"

A large pile of debris went flying as Super-Sue burst out of the rubble. She had several small cuts, but they were already clotting. Her haired was messed, but she still looked attractive. Her eyes narrowed in rage.

"Where is that pitiful self-insert?" she screamed. "He messed up my hair!"

"I believe he's buried somewhere under that section of rubble," Raven replied, leaping over the railing and landing in the arena. "But don't worry about him, we'll be leaving now."

"But I want to make sure he's finished!" she growled.

"Now, now," Raven waved a finger. "He's already had such a bad day; I'd hate to make it worse by killing him."

Super-Sue huffed. "You're so weird."

He ignored her observation and snapped his fingers. A plothole opened in front of them and they stepped through it.

"Hey, wait for me!" Marion exclaimed. "I can't make plotholes!"


Drake groaned as he opened his eyes. Complete blackness filled his sight and his head throbbed. He tried to move, but found his legs pinned beneath the rubble.

His eyes widened and he tried to fight off the urge to panic. Yelling for help would be no good if all it did was attract Super-Sue's attention, but then again she could have just blown up the entire rubble pile. He shouted and cried out for help, wondering how long he had been out and how much longer it would before the Society came looking for him. Bits of dust managed to work their way into his eyes and he began crying to get the dirt out. He slammed his fist against the piece of metal above him, hoping the sound would carry through.

The sound of shifting debris reached his ears and hope surged through his chest. He kept calling out. The last piece of rubble lifted away and light flooded his eyes. He closed them to block out the sunlight.

"Well, well, have we here?"

He glanced up and his vision slowly adjusted to the light. A figure dressed in red armor resembling his own stood over him. The armor vanished in a flash and Ekard adjusted the plastic horns on his head. A red suit covered his body, complete with a black cape and a pointed tail. The only thing missing from his costume was the pitchfork.

"I'm glad you survived all of that," Ekard laughed. "Because now I can kill you personally."

His foot shot out and slammed into his counterpart's face, knocking Drake cold.

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