Sunday, December 25, 2011

Insert ET-Infested Pyramid of Death Here

Drake yawned and rolled over. He grunted as something slammed into his ribs. His eyes snapped open. Ekard grinned down at him.

The Elimination Society agent rolled to his feet and faced his doppelganger, fists clenched. Ekard calmly stepped back.

It took Drake's mind a few seconds to recall his last few memories. He had brought the top of the Megacorp arena down on Super-Sue, though he was caught in the wreckage as well. Later, Ekard had found him and knocked him out.

He waited for Ekard to morph into his armor, but when he didn't, quickly glanced at his surroundings. Gray stone formed the walls, ceiling, and floor. Carvings covered every inch of surface, both of ancient characters and creatures that Drake recognized.

"Welcome to the Alien versus Predator fandom," Ekard spoke up.

"Why am I here?" Drake asked, glaring at his counterpart. He glanced down at his wrist. The blue and silver bracelet that was his armor's inactive form still adorned his arm. "And how come I'm not covered in bruises and such?"

"You're here so I can watch you die," Ekard said, leaning against the wall. "I figured you would appreciate dying in one of your favorite fandoms-"

"AvP isn't one of my favs," Drake scoffed. "The first couple of Alien movies are better."

"And you're not injured because I used my Society's healing machines on you," Ekard continued. "It would be no fun watching you fight for your life when you're already half dead."

"You have healing machines?" Drake asked.

"Obviously, we can get equipment from hundreds of different fandoms," Ekard said. "Don't tell me the Elimination Society is still using real life medicine."


"Anyway…" Ekard pulled out his plothole generator. "Good luck surviving the pyramid."

He opened a plothole and leapt through it before Drake could react. "Hey, wait is it Halloween yet? Did I miss the Society's Halloween party?"


"Why did he have to pick tonight to go missing?" Ben asked as he stared at the screen. The Society had been monitoring the fandoms in shifts, looking for any kind of distortion that could be their missing agent.

"Well, you know what he would do if it was one of us that was missing and he was here," Tyler said.

"He'd keep looking until he found us?" Ben ventured.

"No, once the party started, he'd forget about us and go have a good time," Tyler said. "I propose that's what we should. He'd have wanted it that."

They stared at the screens in silence for a moment, then both turned and dashed from the room.


Drake glanced around as he trekked through the pyramid. He jumped at every little sound and blinked when he thought he saw the air rippling.

The sound of metal scraping over stone came from behind him and he spun around to find a green haired teenager charging down the corridor, dragging a pair of swords against the wall. He leapt back as the Stu swung a sword at him.

"Wardrobe Change!" Drake shouted, raising his arm. His bracelet flashed brightly, obscuring his form in a blue glow, which faded to reveal his armor. "Just one of you? Shouldn't canon fodder attack in groups?"

The Stu bellowed a war cry and darted forward. Drake ducked under the first swing of his sword and twisted around several more. His spear appeared in a flash and he blocked an overhead attack from both swords. He shoved against the swords, sending their wielder stumbling back. He ducked and swung his spear at the Stu's feet, but his opponent leapt over top of him.

Drake spun around, only to meet a sword thrust to the chest. He grunted as it managed to penetrate his armor, knocking him back.

"Slicing Gale!" Drake exclaimed, swinging his spear through the air. Three crescents of wind magic went flying at the Stu, but he sliced through the attack with his swords.

The combatants charged at each other, their weapons met in a loud clash, sending sparks flying. They broke apart and Drake thrust his spear forward. The Stu blocked with a sword and swung the other. Drake raised his free arm and the sword struck his armored wrist rather than his head.

Drake's spear vanished and his opponent suddenly found himself off balance. The spear reappeared and Drake thrust it forward, only for his adversary to leap away. His weapon vanished again.

"Giving up?" the Stu asked.

"No, I just thought I'd let the carnivorous alien behind you finish you off for me," Drake replied.

"Ha! I'm not falling for that old…" he trailed off as a soft hiss sounded close to his ear. He slowly turned around. The large black alien reared up. Its boney tail swishing behind it. Its eyeless gaze locked on the Stu's head. The banana-shaped head descended towards the Stu, its tongue shooting out.

"Yuck!" Drake exclaimed stepping back as red and pink gore splattered against in the floor.

The Stu's body turned into motes of yellow light. The alien hissed as its prey vanished and turned to stare at Drake. The human stepped back as two more aliens appeared behind the first.

"Bollocks," Drake muttered as the aliens slowly advanced towards him.

The pyramid rumbled and the walls began moving. A hallway opened behind Drake and he quickly turned and ran for it. The aliens hissed and leapt after him. Pillars descended from the ceiling and Drake had to leap out of the way to avoid one crushing him. One of the aliens slammed headfirst into another pillar.

The end of the hall was closing as two pieces of stone slid together. Drake leapt through the door, rolling across the floor as he landed and spun around. The lead alien leapt through the door just before it closed.
Drake scrambled back as the alien swung a clawed hand at him. He jumped to his feet and stepped forward, slamming a kick into the alien's maw. It hissed in pain as the blow snapped its head around.

"You shouldn't try to eat someone with magic power armor," Drake said. He took a few seconds to glance around the room for a means of escape.

The alien reacted quickly, leaping at him before he finished scanning the area. He managed to wrap an arm around the alien's throat as it landed on him. His back slammed against the wall, cracking the stone as the alien's claws dug into his armor. Its head slowly moved towards his face, despite him trying to force it back. A jaw-tipped tongue shot from its mouth, snapping closed an inch from Drake's visor.

He removed his arm from the alien's throat and quickly slammed a punch into its face. The blow wasn't particularly powerful, but it still knocked the alien back. He drew his arm back for another shot.

"Storm Punch!" His fist glowed with crackling blue energy as it struck the alien's jaws, green blood sprayed from its mouth as it fell onto its back. Flecks of blood struck Drake's arm and helmet, eating through the metal like acid.

He pulled off his helmet and threw it to the side. He glanced down at his arm, there was no way he could remove the armor there, so he had no choice, but to watch as the acid smoked. He gritted his teeth as he felt his flesh burning. A moment later the pain subsided as the blood lost its acidic qualities. The armored agent sighed.


Raven leapt to the side as a spiked-covered ball flew towards his head. The ball imbedded itself in the wall behind him. Super-Sue yanked on the ball's chain and pulled the weapon back to her, swinging it over her head.

She swung the flail forward, but Raven vanished in a blur, reappearing behind her. He swung his demonic blade, but she leapt forward, pulling on the chain and sending the ball flying back at him. The gothic Stu thrust an arm forward, a barrier of dark energy appearing in front of him. The flail slammed into it and shattered the magic; the backlash sent Raven flying across the room.

Super-Sue landed on top of Raven and swung her fist towards his head. She stopped short of slamming his head into the stone floor. "I win."

"I believe the rules stated that the winner was the one to draw first blood," Raven said, moving his red streaked sword into view.

She gasped and reached an arm around to feel her back. The wound Raven had inflicted had already healed, but the tear in her clothing remained.

"Fine, at least this idiotic fight is over," Super-Sue scoffed stepping back.

Raven pushed himself to his feet. "If one doesn't keep his skills sharp in times of peace, he'll be ill prepared when he really needs to fight for his life."

"Whatever," his creation scoffed and turned away.

His sword vanished in a cloud of dark energy as Raven snorted. He needed to do something about Super-Sue's attitude, she was behaving just like a common Mary Sue and he couldn't have that.


Drake waited ten minutes before the pyramid reconfigured again and he could leave the room. He stepped out glancing around wearily.

A pale spider-like creature leapt at his face, eight legs stretched wide. His weapon of choice appeared in his hands and he thrust it forward. The facehugger impaled itself on the spear tip. Drake pushed the alien off the end of the spear and held the tip up to his face. The acidic blood had eaten the sharp point clean off.

A curse word came to mind, but before he could utter it, a figure leapt from around a corner and flung something at him. He yelped and ducked as the large throwing star flew over his unprotected head.

The predator hissed from behind its silver mask. Armor sparsely covered its muscular humanoid body. Dreadlocks adorned its head. Two serrated blades extended from the gauntlet on its left hand.

"Which one are you? Chopper or Celtic?" Drake asked. "Not that it matters, both of you died rather quickly in the movie, let's see how long you last in my fanfic."

He charged at the alien, swinging his ruined spear at it. The predator swung up its wrist blades and sliced the spear shaft in half. Drake gasped in surprise and barely managed to leap back in time as the predator drew back for a second attack.

He tossed the remains of his spear to the side. Celtic stepped after him, swinging his wrist blades. Drake swung up his cape, the fabric hardening into a silvery shield. The alien metal tore through his hardened cape with ease and sliced through the armor beneath. The Society agent yelped in pain and leapt back, cradling his bleeding arm.

Celtic raised his arm for the finishing blow, but a black body tackled him from the side. The alien and predator struggled on the ground, but finally Celtic managed to throw the reptilian monster off.

Drake slammed a kick into the back of the predator's head as he tried to stand. The blow knocked him back to the floor. The alien swung its spike tipped tail at the human. Drake turned to the side, but the stinger still glanced off his shoulder. He grabbed the tail and yanked, pulling the alien closer. He slammed a fist into its head as its claws, slashed at his chest.

A hand gripped his ankle and the predator yanked his feet out from under him. The predator scored a hit with its wrist blades across the alien's chest. The green blood melted through the blades, rendering them useless.

Celtic drew a silver staff from his back. It extended into a spear. He thrust it down at Drake's chest, but he rolled out of the way. The alien swung its tail at Celtic, but he blocked with his spear.

Drake leapt over both creatures and charged for the exit. The predator and alien were too intent on each to care about the fleeing human.


Marion grunted as she stood on her toes, trying to reach the vile of green liquid on the shelf above her.

"What's taking so long?" Raven exclaimed as he threw open the door to the room.

The pink haired Sue yelped in surprise and somehow managed to fall over, slamming against the shelf and knocking it over. It landed on a counter, preventing it from crushing Marion, but the vials of chemicals still went falling to the floor, shattering. Miraculously none of the potentially deadly serums landed on her.

Raven released an exasperated growl and slammed a palm against his face. "Couldn't you have gotten a stool?"

"You wouldn't let me into the storage room after the Splinter Incident," Marion shot back.

He sighed as he stepped over and pushed the shelf back up right. Marion quickly scurried away. Several puddles of liquid had mixed and were melting through the floor.

"Can't you do anything right?" Raven asked her.

"What about that hole I sewed up in your trench coat?" she asked.

"You used pink thread."


Drake stopped and leaned against the wall, gasping for breath. He glanced up and found himself staring down the corridor that led to the pyramid's exit. Relief washed over him as he charged for the exit, took the steps down from the temple entrance three at a time, and almost slid across the floor of the icy cavern.

"Going somewhere?" Ekard asked as he stepped out from behind a stalagmite.

Drake slid to a stop and glared at his counterpart. "It couldn't be easy, could it?"

"Now, I'll finally put an end to your interference," the Protection Society agent raised his arm. A flash of red light blinded Drake for a moment. When he looked back, Ekard was covered head to toe in his red and gold armor. "Shall we?"

Drake leapt forward, swinging a kick for Ekard's chest. He rolled under the blow. Drake spun around and threw a punch, which his counterpart easily blocked. Ekard retaliated with a blow to the chest that dented Drake's damaged armor.

"Drought Kick!" Ekard exclaimed, hitting a stalagmite with a roundhouse kick. The magic-charged blow shattered the ice and sent it flying forward. Drake threw up his arms to shield his face as shards of ice slammed into him. Ekard charged forward and slammed a fist into his gut. He doubled over in pain and an elbow slammed down on his back, knocking him to the floor.

A string of loud beeps sounded from Ekard's wrist. "Oops, looks like the movie is about to reach its finale."

He glanced down at his opponent's motionless body. Deciding to let Drake perish in the explosion the protagonists would set off; he pulled out his plothole generator. With a squeeze of its trigger, a plothole tore open in front of him. Drake suddenly scrambled to his feet, slammed into his twin and sent both falling into the portal.

They crashed into the snow. The plothole generator flew from Ekard's grasp and landed a few feet away. Drake pushed himself up, but Ekard slammed an elbow into his gut and kicked him back.

Drake slowly stood up. He glanced down at the abandoned fishing village below them, wondering why Ekard had chosen to teleport here, rather than go back to his own base.

"Still conscious, eh?" his doppelganger asked as he stood up. He pulled a red cell phone from behind his back, flicking it open. He hit four buttons on it.

"Jet Sliger come closer," the phone droned in an electronic voice.

A large red vehicle exploded out of the snowdrift behind Ekard. The rocket-shaped Jet Sliger turned, a burst of fire from its side booster helping to steady it. Ekard back flipped into the vehicle's open cockpit.

"Where did you get one of those from?" Drake shouted.

"It was easy enough," Ekard replied. "We just scrapped up the remains of the two Jet Sligers destroyed during the course of Kamen Rider Fiaz and went from there."

The front assembly of the vehicle slid open as Ekard hit a button. Four missiles loaded themselves into either side of the opening. The projectiles shot forward, each splitting into eight smaller missiles as they went. Drake leapt as the missiles near him, several missiles struck him, detonating the ones next to them. The resulting fireball sent him flying back, crashing into a snowdrift. His armor was scorched black and covered in damage.

Laughing maniacally, Ekard guided his craft over the frozen landscape. He lined up with his target and fired a blast of energy from the Jet Sliger's Photon Cannon. Drake rolled backwards and the blast struck his indentation in the snow.

He leapt forward, landing on the front of the vehicle. The Photon Cannon fired again, but Drake had already made a second leap and landed behind the cockpit. Ekard made to stand up, but a kick slammed into his back, knocking him against the controls. He growled and spun his upper body around. Summoning his spear, he swept Drake's feet out from under him.

Drake crashed down on the vehicle as Ekard raised the spear. He thrust the spear down, but his target slid down to cling to the side of the vehicle.

Swearing in frustration, Ekard turned back to the controls and raised the Jet Sliger into the air. The craft descended over the edge of the cliff and turned around. Drake glanced back at the wall of ice. Ekard chuckled and then slammed the side of the Jet Sliger into the wall. The Society Agent pulled himself back on top of the vehicle just in time.

"Oh, will you just die?" Ekard growled as he stood up and turned around.

He swung his spear, but Drake ducked under it. As the weapon swung back towards him, he grabbed hold of it. Ekard yanked on the spear, Drake stumbled forward and punched Ekard with his free hand. The Protection Society agent lost hold of his spear and slipped off the Jet Sliger, grabbing hold of its side.

Before Ekard to summon the spear out of Drake's grip, he slammed it point first into the controllers. The console sparked and the engine whirred as the vehicle began to lose altitude. Drake flung himself at the cliff face, grabbing hold of the uneven surface.

A massive blue fireball exploded from the middle of the frozen town, extending outwards. Drake gasped as he saw it and began climbing. The explosion advanced too fast though and Drake soon found it bearing down on him.


The Jet Sliger lay in a ruined heap somewhere in a hanger. Ekard groaned as he jumped down from the wreckage.

"I guess it's a good thing you installed a Plothole Generator on that," Relyt frowned at the ash-covered Ekard.

He groaned in reply, his armor dispersing into motes of red light. "I pictured that ending differently in my mind."

"Why didn't you just outright kill him?" Relyt asked.

"Because it wouldn't have been any fun!" Ekard shouted, throwing up his arms. "When I finally kill him, it will be on my terms. Not because I found him abandoned under a pile of rubble by someone else."

"Dude, I think you should seek therapy," Relyt said bluntly.

"What was that?" Ekard asked, shooting a glare at the shorter agent. "Do you want me to booby trap the refrigerator again?"

Relyt shook his head fearfully.

"I thought not."


"So how did you avoid the explosion?" Tyler asked.

Drake took a bite of pizza. His Halloween costume was a perfect replica of David Xanatos' battle armor from Gargoyles. He regretted choosing it now since the tail and wings made it impossible to sit down anywhere other than the floor. After having his injuries tended to, he had gone to grab a costume as fast as he could and get to the party. "I'd rather not discuss that."



The explosion struck the cliff, sending Drake flying into the air, smoke trailing him. He bellowed a yell that would have made Goofy proud as gravity kicked in and he dropped face first into the snow.

"Bollocks," he muttered. He pushed himself up, pausing as he wondered if he was spending too much time around Tash. Resolving to use swearwords of a more American variety, the armored agent trekked through the snow, approaching his counterpart's dropped plothole generator.

Drake picked up the device and adjusted its settings. He prayed that he could use it to get back to the Library.


"Has that been happening all night?" Drake asked as he took a sip of soda.

"The flashbacks?" Tash asked, looking up from petting Adrian's kitty form. "Yep, we've been having a lot of them."

"Maybe I'll get a flashback of that time I replaced the Society Agent Entrance Exams with my own insanity ridden version of them," Drake smirked.

"That was you?" Tash glared at him.

"I think I'll go see how the Twister game is progressing…" Drake edged away from the angry Society leader.

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