Saturday, December 10, 2011

Insert Clever Shapeshifting Wordplay Here

*Brrtz*...Incoming encoded Transmission:

Stardate 1764.2 Subject: blank To: Mary-Sue Protection Society High Command From: N/A
 Operation Sue Storm is well underway, I have acquired the information from their organization with ease, and will await your orders to proceed to stage two...
End Transmission.

Jared sighed dispassionately, he hated his job. Even though he had failed the tests to become a Society field agent at least a dozen times, he was still a part of the organization. He landed a job in the R&D department, working on and designing the anti-sue gadgets and trinkets the real agents used.
Jared stood at about 5 foot 6, had flat brown hair, and the build of any reasonably fit 17 year old he could think of. He was dressed in a pair of Levi's and a lab coat with worn, untied sneakers poking out from under it.
He looked over his work bench in search of a tool he had been using earlier. Strange books from all over the library covered the bench, containing material of everything from quantum theory, to the laws of energy and conceptual physics, screenplays from Star Wars and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Next to all of these texts lay a Sledgehammer and a steel guitar, and a book called Fire Magic for Dummies... They were all little projects of Jared's he planned on turning into his personal tools of his own if he were ever fortunate enough to become an agent...
He tore his eyes from the various items, he shouldn't be fantasizing while he was working. He quickly found the tool he was looking for and turned back to his current project, equipping a 1986 Chevy S-10 pickup truck with a plothole generator.
"Hey Jared! How's that side project you've been working on going?" Came a girl's voice.
"Oh, real swell." Jared replied, slamming the hood down hard on the muddy old blue pickup. For no apparent reason the truck sputtered, coughed, and spat hot motor oil all over the front of his white lab coat.
"Yeowch!" Jared howled, whipping the coat off and flinging it to the floor.
"And that's the reason you're supposed to wear lab aprons" Chloe laughed.
Chloe was Jared's assistant. She stood about five foot nothing, wore black rimmed glasses and had hair so dark it was almost black. Jared half expected her to shout "Jinkies!" Whenever something unexpected happened when they went field testing.
"Nice farmer's tans by the way." She remarked with a smile.
"Thanks, I'm quite proud of it." Jared muttered turning red and throwing on a spare lab coat. "So what brings you down to my little corner of the world?"
"Well..." Cloe said. "I came to find out if your little two decade old Chevy rust bucket was ready to be tested?"
"Oh, sure, we can take it for a spin right now if you want." Jared offered.
Cloe frowned. "Um, explain what it's supposed to do again."
"Sure. Get in" Jared opened a door and flopped down in the drivers seat as Cloe hopped in on the other side.
"You see, I theorize that Mary-Sue's and Stu's have the power to manipulate fandoms by exerting certain wavelengths of energy, or Suergy if you will." Jared loved making up words.
"Get to the point." Cloe stated. "I have a busy schedule if I'm going to run a field test with you."
"Well" Jared continued, "I've created a device similar to a Prohibitor. Rather than block a Sue's power, it reverses the charge of said Sue energy when it's activated, thus eliminating her powers, making the sue a harmless canon edition to the fandoms until time could be found to detain her. The only problem is, I haven't found a way to weaponize it yet, so you'd have to get a sue to cooperate and consume 3 pills twice a day for a week before the device would become effective."
"So, what's with the truck?"
"Since I can't test it on a Sue, I installed it in my truck instead. At 88 MPH it will have enough kinetic energy to power said device, it will then emit a massive surge of Anti-Suergy that will react opposite the way real Sue energy would on a fandom."
"So instead of changing the fandom..." Chloe began.
"The fandom will change the truck, making it become a part of the fandom." Jared finished. "With that said, lets take her for a spin"
"Her?" Cloe asked. "It's a girl?"
"Yeah, you can tell from the shape of the headlights," Jared quipped. "Her name is Chevila."
Cloe sighed as Jared pushed a button on the dash, causing a section of wall to slide up, revealing a runway.
She frowned. "Where'd that come from?"
Jared chuckled. "I got bored and I had a sledgehammer." He nodded towards the hammer and guitar.
"Adrian thought it was Aster breaking the fourth wall again."
Chloe rolled her eyes as the two went zooming off down the runway. Halfway down the runway Jared flipped a switch and the plothole generator he had installed in the engine compartment whirred to life, there was a bright flash and the two appeared parked in an alley of a booming city.
"Where are we?" Asked Chloe.
"Transformers G1," Jared replied. "There hasn't been any sign of Sueish activity so it appears safe. Now lets get moving and try out the..."
Jared never got to finish his sentence because a plothole suddenly opened at the end of the alley, and a beautiful woman stepped out.
Her hair was a brilliant light blond, nearly white. She wore a white tank top and bleached cut off jeans, with 6 inch high heels to complete the look.
She took a quick look around, and noticed the "I'll Sue you" Society license tag on Chevila and screamed in an obviously french accent.
"Society members, 'ow did you find me so..." She didn't manage to get another word out because Jared suddenly hit the gas, pealing out & plowing right into her.
She violently bounced off the truck into a collection garbage cans. Jared didn't even slow down, pulling right out onto the street and putting the pedal to the floor, cutting across three lanes of traffic and receiving many obscene hand gestures. "I wanna see you say that in front of your mother!" Jared shouted at a particularly profane motorist.
"Jared, was that...?" Chloe looked pale.
"Yes, a Sue. And no, she's not down, which is why I'm driving like a manic!" Jared barked.
"Then get us out of here, you moron!" Screamed Chloe.
"I can't, It'll be another ten minutes before the plot hole generator recharges! It's an older model!" Jared yelled while running a red light. Suddenly he spotted a blue semi truck with a red cab pulling up from behind. "Oh thank goodness, It's Optimus Prime! He'll help usssuhhhh... oh crap!"
Jared was speechless as he stared at the reflection in his rearview mirror. Sitting in Primes drivers seat was the Sue he had just hit while doing 40 MPH. She wasn't hurt in the slightest, or even dusty. Heck she didn't have a single hair out of place!
"You have attacked the saviour of humanity, Decepticon! Surrender now!" The truck bellowed.
"She works fast." Jared swore, flinging the truck into a 90-degree turn across traffic, receiving more obscene gestures.
"He's gaining on us!" Shrieked Cloe.
"What do you want me to do? I have no weapons in this truck!" Jared yelled. Then he twisted a metal rod on the dashboard, and up-tempo banjo music began playing the theme to Smokey the Bandit on a set of old AM speakers.
Cloe glared at him.
"What?" Jared asked. "This situation calls for chase music." He began to sing along, off-key. "Eastbound & down, loaded up & truckin' we gonna do what they say can't be done..."
Jared was still trying to think his way out of the problem when he glanced at his speedometer. It read 88, which was surprising for the old pickup. Up untill now it had only been theoretic that it could make it to that speed without the aid of Nos or a long icy slope, I mean, it was just a 4 cylinder engine.
He chuckled.
"Well, here goes nothing," He said, trying his best old man impression as he pulled a lever on the dash. "When this thing hits 88 MPH, Marty, you're going to see some serious !&*^..."
There was a sudden winding noise and a green flash of light, then Jared and Cloe were suddenly sliding none too gently in their seats across the pavement.
At first Jared thought he had crashed, but then he saw the darnedest thing.
His truck was transforming.
The bed split and flipped, forming legs, the rear tires moved down to form heels and the tailgate made up the rest of the feet. The cab split, engine components emerging from the hood to form arms, pieces of the dash and turn signals came together and formed a head. The process only took a few seconds, but after all of this a tiny but fast robot er... Transformer now stood where Chevila had been a moment earlier.
Jared felt a thrill of elation. It had worked, the truck was now a flawless part of the fandom! They began to slow to a stop.
Optimus Prime had also transformed and the two slammed into each other, Chevila, being much smaller, was thrown forcibly to the ground. Prime grabbed her leg and with a spin, flung the tiny chevy-bot through the air.
"Duck!" Jared shouted as Chevila flew through the air right at them, narrowly just missing the two.
The fight was obviously one sided, as the leader of the Autobots was much larger than the tiny 4 cylinder pickup. Chevila lay groaning against the collapsed wall of a pawn shop.
Even being severely outclassed, Chevila didn't give up. She began to stand, loosing some shots from a blaster she had drawn, scoring several of hits on Optimus, only seeming to slow the semi down.
"Run!" Chevila yelled in a voice that sounded awfully reminiscent of the computer in the original Star Trek. Jared & Chloe, being the intelligent people they were, took off as fast as they could.
Chevila began to stand back up, "Round two!" she said, looking less confident then she sounded. Optimus had retracted his right hand, replaced it with his energon axe, and lunged at Chevila. Chevila leapt to one side, transforming back into a pickup in midair, the axe slicing several layers of paint off her tailgate. Chevila drifted around to Prime's backside and transformed again, drawing her own energon weapon from her hip, a rapier.
"En Garde!" She yelled, taking a swing at his back, But Prime was a seasoned commander. He was reached over his back and caught the sword mid-swing with his axe. He gave a twist and Chevila's sword flew out of her hand. Prime whirled around and retracted his axe, turning the end of his arm back into a hand and in the same motion drew his laser rifle, firing a blast directly into Chevila's chest, causing a burst of motor oil to spew forth. Chevila staggered back and groaned.
Jared grimaced as he ran, his canonization machine was designed to make his truck into a part of the fandom, not educate it about what it was fighting or program any combat training into it, it wasn't even meant to be used this way at all! Granted Chevila's smaller size was allowing her to out-maneuver Prime, but that last blow would be hard to walk off, Chevila couldn't take much more of this. He glanced at his watch, three more minutes before they could escape back to the Library...
Or not. Just then the blonde knockout of a Sue stepped out from the alley they were about to run past.
"My name ez Cassandra," She announced, arms folded, legs akimbo. "And you 'ave made me very irritated!" She began to glow.
Jared's mind whirled, searching for a solution, but he as only a techie, he wasn't as adjusted to combat as an Agent!
Crap, Jared thought, moving in front to Chloe to protect her as best he could. This was just supposed to be a field test and now I'm going to die... I never even...
He didn't get to finish his thought, because he was interrupted by a sudden cry of "-Hoover Dam computers!" and a wave of coffee slammed into the sue, Prime, and Chevila.
Jared and Chloe turned to see Ben running up to them.
"Yo! Jared old buddy, how's it going?" He laughed, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulder.
Jared just stared at the mad nuker blankly. "How'd you get here?" He asked.
Ben shrugged. "We detected some Sue activity in the fandom and when I recognized that rusty clunker of yours on the monitor," He nodded towards Chevila who, recovering from the coffee monsoon, had resumed the feeble struggle against Optimus Prime. Hot fluid was pouring from the hole in her chest that Prime had blasted open, she had an expression of agony on her face and her strategy had become simply staying out of the reach of the axe Prime had resumed using. "I knew it was probably you stirring up trouble."
Then he noticed Chloe. "Woah!" He laughed. "Who's the hot babe you got with you? I commend you on landing someone like her, although you could have picked a better place for a date than the middle of a battlefield. Not exactly romantic, you know!"
"Sexist swine!" Chloe shouted, smacking the back of Ben's head, only causing laughter on Ben's part.
"Enough!" Jared shouted, "We're in the middle of a battlefield, as you kindly pointed out Ben! Chevila, get us out of here!"
Chevila had picked up her sword, she locked blades with Prime. The leader of the Autobots pressed against Chevila with all his might, trying to overpower her, but Chevila side-stepped, throwing Prime off balance. She quickly swung her leg out as Prime stumbled past and tripped him. Moving past her fallen opponent, she laboriously lumbered over to the group, obviously exhausted. She scooped them up and limped towards a plothole she had opened with the recently charged plothole generator.
But before they could get away, Optimus reached out and grabbed Chevila's leg causing her to stumble and fall, dropping the Society members.
Ben got to his feet first "Don't mess with nukes!" He barked, pointing at Prime. The Autobot turned towards him just as the warhead exploded in his face, making him stumbled backwards, stepping on multiple parked cars. Thankfully people had long-since fled the battle zone or he would have surely stepped on someone.
Chevila sensed opportunity and transformed, proverbially putting the pedal to the floor, her damaged components screaming in protest, she hit Prime going way faster than she had any right to move. There was a sickening crunch and Prime tumbled through the air and crashed dramatically into the ground. Chevila switched on her radio, still tuned to the classic country station Jared had set it on, and blared an old Charlie Daniels' number as loud as she could. "You know you're pretty good ol' son but sit down in that chair right let me show you how it's done!"
She transformed into her robot form again, lifted a nearby Volkswagen bug that was parked nearby and, straining with the effort, she slammed it into the back of Prime's head as hard as she could, He let out a painful grunt and then lay still.
"And I told you once you son-of-a gun I'm the best that's ever been, yeah! He played fire on the mountain! Run boys run, the devil's in the house with the rising sun..." Chevila cut off the radio, much to Ben's pleasure.
"C'mon, 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia'? I suppose I should expect any vehicle of yours to finish to a cliched song like that." Ben said.
"Hey! Charlie Daniels is not cliche, he's one of the greatest legends of Country Rock!" Jared objected.
"That's not really something to brag about." Said Chloe.
"Metalheads." Jared sighed, he had a feeling he was forgetting something...
"You're not getting away!" Cassandra remarked. In the excitement of the transformer smackdown, she had managed to slip away.
She was still dripping with coffee, but in true Sue fashion, she had managed to make it work for her. Her hair had assumed the just-gotten-out-of-the-shower look, and she smelled pleasantly of a Starbucks. She was holding an older looking handgun with her right hand, pointing it right at Ben. "Down!" Shouted Jared tackling Ben and Chloe to the ground as an energy blast tore through the air missing the trio by less than an inch.
"Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't guns supposed to fire bullets?" Asked Ben, somewhat dazed.
"That's Megatron! In the G1 series, he could transform into a handgun, changing his size to match the wielder!"
"What!" said Chloe, "That's ridiculous!"
"Hey, it was the 80's." Jared shrugged.
Cassandra took aim again, preparing to fire when the wall behind her exploded outward as Chevila and a certain well known stick of wood crashed through it.
"I leave you for ten minutes and you nearly get vaporized by a transforming gun from another planet. Thats bad even for you!" Shirley growled.
Ben was about to say something that surely would have made Shirley throw a brick at him, when Chevila, sensing opportunity, let loose an several dozen blaster shots at the Sue, all colliding with a weird translucent green barrier. But the shield failed to absorb the shots completely, blue sparks splashed off and rained down on the Sue. "This isn't over!" She shouted in French, as the barrage of energy blasts forced her back several steps. She dropped Megatron, turned around and stepped through a plothole of her own. Megatron upon hitting the ground transformed into his robot form and was readying his arm canon, Jared knew what would happen next...
"Chevila! Get us out of here! Now!" He yelled, Chevila grabbed the group and leapt through the plothole just before a blast from Megatron would have reduced them all into a little black spot on the sidewalk.
An instant later they were all back at in the Library Arcanium's tech lab. As soon as she stepped through the plothole Chevila collapsed in a heap, gave a static-y wheeze and reverted back into a plain ol' non-transforming pickup. With no fandom to draw power and form from anymore, that's all she could be.
Jared looked quite dissapointed, he really liked the idea of having his own personal robot.
The tranquility of the moment did not last however, as the still running truck made a coughing sound and the hood burst open, several gallons of burned and blackened coffee mixed with various engine fluids from a steaming, severely overheated engine blurped out. The truck gave one last groan and died with a shudder. Having coffee in the engine, radiator, air filter, gas tank and just about every other part was not conducive to the healthy performance of a vehicle... not that it would have been in good condition even if it hadn't been hit by Ben's coffee attack, Prime had done more than enough damage, it would take Jared weeks to restore the truck back to basic operating condition.
"Is it dead?" Chloe asked, a layer of concern evident in her voice.
As if in answer the radio sputtered to life and began to weakly play "A Country Boy Can Survive"
Everyone stared at the truck for a moment, before the radio shut off again.
Ben shook his head. "Back on topic. So a new Sue is causing trouble..." He sighed, "That's the last thing we need." He turned back towards Jared. "I'm going to talk to the higher ups about making you a full Agent, the fact I didn't have to scrape you off of the grill of a semi proves you can handle yourself. And they way things are going we could we need all the help we can get!"
"What about me?" Cloe shouted, outraged at her partner suddenly outranking her.
Ben shrugged. "You can stay on as Jared's partner if you want. After all, every hero needs a useless sidekick!"
Cloe began to shriek something about Ben being unfair and sexist and other undubious things about his mother, but Jared wasn't listening, he was too excited.

"Me, a field agent!" he thought, "All in all, not a bad day..."

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