"-And that's why I never eat meat!"
The Order of the Stick cracked up. As usual, the tales of their newest member, Zak Perfecto Destroyer Ultima Blade, the multiclassed Fighter/Wizard/ Rogue, with purple eyes and ochre hair, were the funniest they had ever heard since long before they had camped in the Forest of Plot Irrelevancy to listen to his perfectly perfect voice. Somewhat illogically, although the Order hadn't bothered to notice this, Zak also had an unaccountably tragic past, involving angry lobsters wielding pointy rocks. Despite this, he was still a wonderfully perfect and amazing person, with a heart of gold (Or maybe platinum…). However, there was one thing wrong with him. He was a Stu. And that's why the Society had to stop him.
"So then I cast Magic Missile and Light at the Swamp Troll, and grabbed the treasure chest, and then-,"
"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"
"Huh?" Zak turned just in time for a foot to connect with his noseless face. He went flying back into a wall that seemed to appear out of nowhere, and the person who had just kicked him in the face stood up. It was a small boy with a grin that appeared to almost stretch off his face.
"Sooo… what's up, Docs?"
The Order of the Stick simply stared. Then Roy Greenhilt, the fighter, and original leader of the team, although he had, of course, given up the position to Zak, spoke up.
"Who are you?"
The boy made a huge mock bow in the direction of the Order. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tyler Kahn, and your annoying friend here is under arrest for fandom manipulation. Or maybe it's mutilation. Nah, he hasn't done anything that serious yet. Either way, he's under arrest."
Zak jumped to his feet. "For what?"
Tyler groaned. "Weren't you just listening? Now, come quietly." He grabbed a Prohibitor and prepared to latch it on. Zak paled.
"What? No! You'll never take me alive!" He drew a sword with amazing speed, slashing at Tyler. The Society Agent jumped back, dodging the rapid strikes. Tyler launched a series of energy bursts, creating distance between himself and the Stu. Then he spun, grabbing Copyrights from nowhere, attaching them to bolts of magic, and firing them at Vaarsuvius, the elf wizard, and Haley Starshine, the human rogue. Just as they were about to hurl a fireball and arrows, respectively, the Copyrights struck, and the two instantly changed targets, blasting Zak into the same wall he had just left. Tyler smirked and walked over, grabbing the wall, which shrunk into a small cube, which was then stuffed into Tyler's pocket. Zak let out a groan of pain. Tyler bent down, now at eye level with the crumpled Stu.
"So, I'd say it's a little late to come quietly, but you can still surrend-AUGH!" Zak's eyes snapped open, and he fired a Magic Missile at Tyler, sending the Agent flying backwards. Tyler jumped to his feet as the Stu charged, already firing a series of energy bolts. Zak stumbled back, shielding his face. Tyler frowned.
"You're starting to bore me. Hunting Faya was ten times more fun than this. Would you at least try to put up a fight?"
Zak jumped up, hurling a knife at Tyler. Unlike Uber-Stu, Zak threw the knife with perfect accuracy, aimed directly between Tyler's eyes. Tyler stood still until the blade was within a foot of him, then disappeared. A nanosecond later, he reappeared ten feet away, the knife now lying uselessly on the ground where it had landed. Tyler grinned.
"Glad that worked. Apparently practice does make perfect. But seriously, knife-throwing is tricky! How are you so good at it?"
Zak smirked. "40th level Rogue."
Tyler's eyes widened. "What? That level can't even exist!"
"So? I'm a Stu, I can do what I want." Zak fired an arrow out of nowhere, Tyler barely diving aside in time.
"I guess that's the problem." Tyler responded, hurling a burst of wind energy. Zak blocked with a shield that had conveniently been forgotten up until this moment.
"What are you talking about?" Zak hurled another knife, which Tyler dodged again.
"Well, that's all you Sues and Stus ever do. Get what you want. There's not even any worries attached….you just have a new power, and… HEY! HOW DARE YOU DEFILE D&D CANON BY DOING THAT!" Zak had just fired a huge pillar of energy toward Tyler. The Agent rolled out of the path of the column, then charged Zak, vaulting toward him and kicking him in the face for the second time. As the Stu stumbled back, dazed, Tyler jumped up, preparing to smack him over the head with the staff. Just as the staff was about to connect, Zak blocked with his shield. Tyler spun, aiming to hit the Stu in the side, but the blow was blocked by Zak's sword. Zak tried to shove Tyler with his shield, but the Agent spun around, sweeping Zak's legs out, then blasting him away with an energy bolt. Tyler smirked.
"Okay, that's settled. Now, what was I talking about?"
Zak struggled to his feet, a bruise appearing where Tyler had kicked him. "I think you were admitting my total superiority."
Tyler frowned. "No, I don't think that was it… something about your incredible sucktasticness."
"Is that even a word?"
"No, but since when has that ever stopped me?"
"Uh… you do realize that since I'm a one-time character created solely for the purpose of this oneshot, I have no idea as to your tendencies when making up words."
"There's a word called rhetorical question. Ever heard of it?"
"Yes, actually."
"That… was… freaking… sarcasm!" Tyler hurled a grenade to accentuate his point, blasting Zak into a tree. The Stu stood unsteadily. "Oh, and I remembered where I was."
Tyler took out a scroll from nowhere and began reading from it. At this point, the Order of the Stick, who had been milling around randomly, wisely packed up and left, making sure to forget the incident.
"You have no problems. You've never been blocked from something, and if you have, you'll have access later. Nothing ever goes wrong for you, and when it does, you fix it, with everyone else looking on in awe. You are, in the immortal words of Abridged Yami, a 'walking Deus Ex Machina.' You have no flaws, no real character traits, no personality." At this point he paused to form a shield, blocking a series of slashes before knocking Zak away.
"Please don't interrupt my Hannibal Lecture. Now, where was I… oh, right. The author didn't even write a few words detailing you. You can't exist, Stu. I don't believe you should exist. Now what do you say to that?"
"Whimper…" Tears started to well up in Zak's eyes. "But... that can't be right… there's nothing wrong with me…"
"…That's exactly my point. There's nothing wrong with you. All humans have something wrong with them. Maybe they could use a few sessions in anger management, maybe they're not the most polite person ever... but you? Nothing. That's what's wrong with you. Your only flaw is that you have no flaws, Stu. And that's one of the worst flaws there is."
By now, Zak Perfecto Destroyer Ultima Blade was curled into a fetal position on the forest floor, bawling. Tyler stepped over and placed a Prohibitor on him.
"And thus, the downsides of having stronger emotions and being infinitely deeper than everyone else." Tyler opened a Plothole, tossed the Stu in, and followed.
"Hey, Tyler."
Tyler whipped around, firing a burst of wind at the speaker. Relyt only smirked, batting the attack away effortlessly. Tyler stepped out of his Plothole, letting it close. Relyt grinned insanely, drawing his staff. The two both took a battle stance, somehow appearing like perfect opposites of each other. As if to complete the effect, fight scene music played. Tyler made the first move, slashing with his staff and sending a scything wind at his doppelganger. Relyt dodged, firing an energy bullet at Tyler.
"Careful, you might hurt someone!" Tyler hurled a few explosives, knocking Relyt back and forming a cloud of thick smoke. Unfortunately, this also had the effect of shielding Relyt from Tyler's sight. The Protections Society Agent fired a wave of energy at Tyler, who was blasted off his feet into a tree. Tyler jumped down from the tree, tapping the ground and sending a line of energy spikes plowing toward Relyt. The latter blocked with a shield, then a pair of blades formed on his arms. Tyler was unimpressed.
"You know, those are pretty useless, seeing as we both have ranged abilities." To prove his point, Tyler fired a burst of energy at his twin. Relyt scoffed and parried, then lunged, slashing at Tyler. The Society Agent dived to one side, and the blades carved an X-shaped furrow in the ground. Tyler eyed the blades critically, even as Relyt lunged at him, slashing repeatedly.
"Not bad-Whoa!-Consider-Wha-ha!-ing that you-Aiee!-Just walked in-gah!-To my trap." Relyt paused momentarily to quickly scan the environment, and Tyler used the time to blast Relyt away with a sphere of wind.
"Okay, I lied. Now you fell into my trap." Tyler then took a small can out of nowhere. On the can was written "Instant Awesome: Just add Ninja." Relyt stared at the can apprehensively.
"What does that do?"
Tyler shrugged. "We're about to find out, aren't we?" He opened a Plothole, yanked out a random ninja, popped the can, and shoved it the ninja. Immediately a soft blue glow emanated from inside the can. Before anything else could happen, Tyler lobbed the can at Relyt. The Protection Society Agent formed a shield to deflect it, but the can simply phased through the field and landed at Relyt's feet. Before Relyt could run, a huge blue energy field appeared around him. Then the awesomeness began.
First, a piece of bacon appeared out of nowhere, slapping Relyt across the face. Then a ninja flashed through the orb of Awesome, slashing Relyt. Next, Batman appeared and landed a kick to Relyt, sending him flying into the air, where an explosion sent him ricocheting around the Awesome field. Then, a can of Mtn. Dew appeared, shook itself up, and blasted its contents into Relyt's face, followed by the same action being repeated by a bottle of beer, and a huge dark chocolate bar whacking Relyt over the head. Next, a block of Gouda cheese dropped on Relyt, stunning him, and setting him up for the next hit, a pirate jumping down and slashing repeatedly with his cutlass. Next, a burst of sniper fire sent him stumbling backward…right into the waiting Roundhouse Kick, delivered by the one and only Chuck Norris, which sent him flying into the small cloud of grenades. Next, a blob of beef jerky fell on him, burning his head slightly. This was followed by an enormous flood of piping hot black coffee, and a sausage to the face. Then a zombie clawed Relyt in the head and arm, and an assassin slashed him from behind with a pair of knives. Mr. T appeared, slammed Relyt on the ground, then disappeared, followed by a bomb blasting him into the top of the Awesome field, where he was blasted back down by a high-powered laser and strafed by a squadron of B-29 fighter jets. Next, a hail of throwing stars struck him, piercing the flimsy shield he had formed, and setting him up for the full clip of minigun fire that followed it. An orange zoomed by, creating a sonic boom that nearly deafened Relyt, and then a guy came out of nowhere, delivered a few punches and kicks, and left. Then a jet pack appeared on Relyt's back, and propelled him into the Awesome ceiling, followed up by a helicopter appearing underneath him and slashing him a few times. Then a giant microwave oven appeared around Relyt, toasting him, and then events moved into Light Speed, Awesomenest of Awesomes. Then everything in the Awesome Sphere went into Space, choking Relyt for a moment before dropping him onto the ground. Then, out of the blue (Awesome Sphere) a Taco Bell fell on Relyt's head. While the orange-clad Protection Society Agent was recovering, the Kool-Aid man came out of nowhere and body slammed him. Then a pot of ramen appeared and bashed him repeatedly over the head, followed by a LOTR Dwarf punching him in the groin. Relyt's eyes nearly popped out of his head, and outside of the Awesome Sphere, Tyler winced.
"That's gotta hurt…"
A vampire chomped on Relyt, draining a little of his blood, then Samuel L. Jackson jumped out of nowhere, punched him in the face, and left. A rocket flew out of nowhere, blasting Relyt in the face and causing his hair to stand on end, then almost all of said hair was sliced away by a sword slash. Relyt was pummeled by a series of tank cannon blasts, and a pair of nunchucks sent him spinning dizzily around the Awesome Sphere. A dagger somehow embedded itself into his back, although this didn't kill him, and a trebuchet-load of rocks smashed down onto him, forming a several-foot deep crater. A lightsaber slashed at him, forcing him to dive away, straight into the path of the oncoming Moon Jumper, who kicked him so hard he was sent flying into a Mecha. Said Mecha loosed all its guns, hitting Relyt with enough force to level a city block. Then the WWW zapped him with a few viruses, and he was shot through Hyperspace, ricocheting off the Awesome Sphere. A burst of lightning shot down from the heavens, frying Relyt, and a burst of fire shot up from the nether realms, doing the same. A giant barrel of pure alchohol poured down onto him, creating a huge explosion that blasted Relyt into the Awesome wall. A rain of Doritos lacerated him out of nowhere. A robot kicked him in the face. Then a wizard appeared. He chanted a long and confusing spell, which recreated Awesoments 1-53, and blasted Relyt with all of them. Then William Shatner appeared and recited poetry until Relyt beat him to death with a pointy stick. Then…dinosaurs, sharks, dragons, giant squid, penguins, eagles, cheetahs, crocodiles, wolves, bears, cobras, falcons, trilobites, werewolves, and mutants all exploded out of nowhere, beating Relyt into a bloody pulp, healing the wounds with their Awesome powers, and beating him again, before disappearing. A few fireworks detonated in honor of this, burning Relyt severely. A monster truck drove out of nowhere, crushing the battered Relyt under its tires, along with a motorcycle, which mimicked the action, although at ten times the speed. Then a battle ax slashed at Relyt, cutting his shoulder, and stunning him in time for the catapult load to knock him into next week. A raygun blasted him with its Awesome cosmic rays of cool, a DS smashed him in the head, and an anvil teleported over his head, crushing him. A computer slammed into him, knocking him down. Then he was sent back in time, and forced to repeat Awesoments 1-79. A tornado swept him up into a black hole, which he somehow survived. A storm hit him with wind and lightning. A pair of human ribs appeared and thwacked him, a Xenomorph burst out of his chest and disappeared, and a Jedi Force Pwned him. Christopher Walken appeared and was Christopher Walken, and he was then blown away by the proximity mines, along with Relyt. Next, there was an interlude. But since this was the Periodic Table of Awesoments, this interlude had to be Awesome. A guy with a mustache, a Mohawk, a hoodie with the yin-yang symbol on it, shades, a mullet, a skull tattoo, and a scar, appeared out of nowhere, played a guitar solo, then disappeared like the hologram he was. Then the Awesomness resumed with a battleship appearing, unloading all it's firepower into Relyt, and leaving for better places. Then, out of the blue, a castle fell onto him, crumbling into dust as it hit, followed by ten gallons of Legos. Then, a heavy metal song began playing, causing millions of magnets to go flying at Relyt, pummeling him repeatedly. Then a pile of Benjamins fell onto his head. Then a few thousand bounty hunters, attracted by the money, came and trampled Relyt. Finally, a ghost appeared and scared him. The Awesome Sphere faded away, leaving Relyt with only 1 HP of damage… and really, really pissed.
Meanwhile, Tyler had gotten popcorn and was watching the show. As Relyt got to his feet, largely unharmed, Tyler jumped up, hurling a sphere of energy at his doppelganger. Relyt parried, and fired back. Tyler disappeared, then reappeared twenty feet away, already firing. Relyt formed a shield, blocking, and Tyler shot forward, swinging his staff. Relyt blocked quickly, and shoved Tyler away.
"Tyler, I will kill you someday."
"Really? Well, you should probably learn basic accuracy."
"You little-," Relyt lunged forward, a huge energy hand bursting from his palm and slamming into Tyler's neck, lifting him ten feet into the air and beginning to choke the life out of him. Relyt smirked.
"So, I think I've got basic accuracy. Anything else, O wise master?"
"Always…..chk….bhnd….y'."
Relyt frowned.
"Always check behind you? What's that supposed to…GAH!" Out of nowhere, a ten-foot long snake exploded into the clearing, smashing through the energy hand and dropping Tyler to the ground. Relyt dived to one side, avoiding a painful death by being crushed. As both Agents stood, the snake wheeled around, preparing for another strike. Tyler and Relyt didn't give it any time. They both ran. The snake pursued, forked tongue flicking eagerly in anticipation of a new meal. Before any of the three knew what had happened, they had left the Forest of Plot Irrelevancy and entered the Canyon of Random Encounters. Tyler stumbled, grabbing Relyt by the back of his shirt and dragging him down too. The snake caught up, coiling in preparation to strike. Suddenly, three heads exploded out of the ground, biting the life out of the snake. By the time the snake was dead, the heads had been revealed as attached to a hydra. The hydra's nine heads examined Tyler and Relyt hungrily. As it was about to strike, a blast of fire shot down from the sky, roasting it, then a chimera flew down, eating the dead hydra. Tyler and Relyt paled.
"Resume running?"
"Yes, I think so."
They did. The chimera followed, occasionally loosing blasts of flame from its dragon head, or snapping at their heels with the lion or goat head. The two swerved around a corner, and began screaming at each other.
"You got us into this!"
"What? How did I do that?"
"No idea, but you did!"
"That makes no sense, Tyler!"
"So what, Relyt?"
"So why are you blaming-HOLY CRAP!" A huge black shape had just overshot the two, heading toward the chimera. Before either Tyler or Relyt could acknowledge the shape, it had slammed into the chimera, shaking it to death like a dog with a rat. As it rose up into the air, Tyler and Relyt got a good look at it. It was an immense Black Dragon, already gulping down the chimera. Tyler and Relyt took a moment to stare at the dragon in awe, then Tyler grabbed Relyt with a hand of energy and hurled him at its gaping maw. The dragon roared eagerly in anticipation of a new meal, but Relyt formed a web of energy, and shoved it into the dragon's mouth. As the dragon attempted to close its mouth, Relyt darted up the web and leapt over the dragon. The dragon lunged, missing the PCMSPS Agent, but the wind created by its flapping winds caught Relyt, sucking him into a whirlwind. As the dragon dived down, snapping at Tyler, the ACMSES Agent dived to one side, and was yanked up into the windstorm by the power of vacuum. Tyler spun around the center of the whirlwind, noticing Relyt, and positioning himself to ram the Agent. Relyt tried to dodge, but Tyler slammed into him, hard enough to knock them both out of the path the windstorm was taking them. Then they realized the storm was slowing down. They paled. Then they both shot toward the ground. Tyler lashed out with a punch, connecting with Relyt and sending him spiraling down. Relyt sent a stream of energy wrapping around Tyler's foot and yanking him down too. The Agents slammed into each other over and over again, still falling, but just as they were about to hit the ground, the dragon swooped by again, whipping up a gust of wind that sucked Tyler and Relyt back into the air. Relyt launched another energy rope at Tyler, grabbing his foot, but the Agent grabbed the rope, trying to yank Relyt towards him. The midair tug-of-war continued for a moment, before the Black Dragon's tail whipped out, slashing through the rope and sending both Tyler and Relyt flying in opposite directions. Tyler slammed into one wall of the canyon, while Relyt slammed into the other. The two dropped to the ground, too confused by all the homophones to do anything. The dragon roared in triumph, preparing to strike the final blow. It pulled its head back…
"SNEAK ATTACK!"
"FIREBALL!"
"DIEEE!"
"YAAHHHH!"
"Attack, attack, attack, attack the giant Black Dragon!"
The Order of the Stick seemed to appear out of nowhere on the cliff edge, attacking the Black Dragon with a combination of arrows, daggers, a sword, magic, and an inspiring song. The dragon reeled under the force of the assault, giving Tyler and Relyt time to jump to their feet and charge the dragon themselves. The dragon roared, lashing out with tail, tooth, and claw, several times nearly killing Tyler or Relyt with a bone-shattering strike. Belkar Bitterleaf, the halfling Ranger, leapt at the dragon at the same time as Relyt. The dragon dropped its head to snap at Vaarsuvius, and Belkar and Relyt collided hard. They landed on the dragon's head, glaring at each other. After rolling initiative, Relyt lunged forward with an energy-charged staff swing, sending Belkar flying to the opposite end of the dragon. The halfling leapt off the dragon's tail, bounced off the wall of the canyon, and slammed into Relyt, slashing at him repeatedly. An X-shaped slash sent Relyt plummeting down and slamming into the ground. The Protection Society Agent stood up as Belkar shot down after him, and snagged the Ranger in an energy lasso, flinging him at the dragon's maw. Belkar spun, slashing at the dragon and skimming just over its mouth, skiing down its neck, using his daggers as poles. The dragon screamed in pain, twisting and writhing to throw Belkar off. Just as it succeeded, Relyt slammed his staff down where Belkar had been a moment ago. The dragon turned to face him, eyes blazing. Relyt gulped.
"Oh crap…"
The dragon spasmed once, knocking Relyt to the ground, then loosed a stream of acid at the Agent. Tyler had taken the opportunity to attack the downed doppelganger, but halted as the acid shot towards Relyt. The Protection Society Agent grabbed a playing card from his belt and pressed a button. Immediately the card expanded into…a spool of thread? Relyt frowned, but unraveled the thread, hurling the 50x50x50 mass at the dragon. The acid burst slammed into the string, dissolving it, but Relyt was protected. Tyler prepared to strike again, but this time was blocked by Belkar, who tackled Relyt, slashing over and over again. Meanwhile, the dragon was trying to stop the volleys of arrows and magic periodically fired by Haley and Vaarsuvius. It launched acid blast after acid blast, but the two continued evading or shielding. Elan the human Bard was frantically playing a song while dodging tail strikes from the dragon. Roy was hacking at its wings, side, and neck. Belkar was still fighting Relyt, with Tyler attempting to help, but being blocked by acid blasts, arrows, or spiky purple tentacles. Relyt slashed with an energy blade, but Belkar flipped over his head, spun, and jammed both daggers into his kidneys. As this was an RPG, Relyt didn't die, but the attack hurt. He responded by channeling energy through the daggers, electrocuting Belkar. The halfling juddered for a moment, long enough for Relyt to yank out both blades, then spin around with a blast of energy to the jaw. Belkar flew back into the dragon, then bounced back at Relyt, who slammed him to the ground. Relyt paused to smirk, and was instantly slammed into by a now-unobstructed Tyler. The two of them fought for a moment in midair, before being separated by the lashing tail of the injured dragon. They skidded apart, and immediately dived for cover as Vaarsuvius fired a Lightning spell at the dragon, also striking the area around it. The dragon flailed once more, narrowly missing everyone in the vicinity, then fell to the ground, dead. The Order of the Stick cheered, then wandered off, ignoring the two OCs trying to kill each other.
"I will kill you and leave you for the crows!" Relyt screamed, launching a random pattern of blasts at Tyler.
"They have crows here? Cool! Maybe after I win this fight I'll roast a few with your anger!" Tyler screamed back, despite, or perhaps because of having jumped to within five feet of his double.
"Weren't you listening? This fight is mine!" Relyt slashed at Tyler's head.
"Weren't you listening? This fight is mine!" Tyler dodged, then swept Relyt's feet out from under him. Relyt rolled away, then punched forward, blasting Tyler away with a pulse of energy.
"Stop copying me!" Relyt formed an energy sphere and fired it at Tyler, blasting him off his feet.
"Stop copying me!" Tyler rolled up and sent a vertical wave of energy plowing into Relyt and slamming him into the canyon wall.
"Stop changing the emphasis on everything I say!" Relyt lunged, slamming Tyler into the opposite wall with a kick.
"Stop changing the emphasis on everything I say!" Tyler grabbed the wall cube, and tossed it at Relyt. It expanded into a wall, still moving at the same velocity, and sent Relyt flying. Tyler smirked. The wall transformed back into a cube and disappeared into Tyler's pocket. Relyt got to his feet, groaning.
"That… hurt."
"That's kind of the point, you know…"
Relyt snarled.
"This should hurt even more, though!" He grabbed something out of his own pocket. A closer look revealed said something to be a sphere, only an inch in diameter. Tyler frowned.
"What's that?"
"Well, you have a Wall of Defense…" Relyt tossed the sphere. In an instant, it expanded into a wall, which looked about as strong as paper-Mache, but was covered in spikes.
"…So I have a Wall of Offense!" The spikes shot off the wall, swerving towards Tyler. The Agent paled, then scrambled to one side, forming shields, deflecting spikes with energy bursts, staff strikes, and occasionally even bombs. After about ten seconds, the volley of spikes ended, with Tyler completely unharmed amid a field of spikes. The Agent smirked.
"Well, so much for that. Now, ready for the end?"
Relyt grinned.
"Yes. Yours."
Tyler frowned.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Then he heard a low humming. He looked around. Each and every spike produced a small laser rifle. Before Tyler had a chance to move, every one of them fired, slamming into him with the force of… something that closes hard, like a car door maybe. Eh, no idea really. Feel free to make up something. Anyway…er, where was I? Give me a minute…oh! Here we go! Tyler froze for a moment, almost comically, then collapsed. Relyt examined him, then walked over and kicked the prone Agent in the ribs. Tyler twitched, but didn't move otherwise. Relyt smirked, then bent down to try and lift his double. To state it quite simply, he failed. The Protection Society Agent groaned, and flopped up from where he had just fallen.
-
Meanwhile, back in the Library…
Tash's eyes widened. She grabbed her communicator and sent a message to any Society member capable of entering the fandom.
Relyt was attempting to drag Tyler into the Plothole, but he wasn't having much luck. He was too tired to simply lift him with magic, and he wasn't strong enough to actually move his counterpart. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a Plothole opening. He looked up. Three figures stepped out, Doug, Christoph, and Drake. Relyt studied them.
"You three are members of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society. Now, since the Stu in the fandom has been taken care of, I will use process of elimination to assume that you are not only not going to help me carry your friend, you are going to attempt to rescue him. May I put emphasis on the word 'attempt,' as it is obvious you will fail. Good day." Relyt dropped a smoke bomb, shrouding the canyon in smog. By the time the three Society Agents had cleared away the smoke, Relyt was gone.
-
Somewhere in the Multiverse…
Relyt and Ekard were sitting in an enormous room filled with various weapons and other unpleasant objects. As the camera zoomed in, we learned that Ekard was speaking.
"-So, you finally accomplished something?"
"Judging by the fact that we have our first prisoner from the Anti-Cliché Society, I think you should be able to answer that. Then again, considering it's you…" Relyt trailed off as Ekard stood, wristband glowing.
"Are you sure you want to finish that?"
"I don't know. I probably shouldn't waste my insults."
"That's it!" Ekard's armor appeared around him, and he grabbed Relyt by the throat. The Agent paled slightly. He hadn't planned on that. Ekard slowly began to constrict Relyt's breathing, before a sharp voice interrupted him.
"Put him down."
Ekard turned to the speaker, which appeared to be a Mii. He dropped Relyt unceremoniously, and the Agent landed in a heap.
"And what gives you the right to order me around?"
"I am Uber-Stu, a general in the Army of Perfection!"
"No you're not. All of you are generals, so there's nothing for any of you to command."
"Well, we're all generals!"
"Whatever. Either way, you all answer to us now."
"Not a chance! We're perfect, so…"
Ekard lunged forward, and the Stu died. It was a quick, painless affair, and there was no mess to clean up after, as the Stu quickly disintegrated into motes of light. Ekard grinned.
"That was fun."
Relyt finally stood.
"Soon we can do the same to the Society."
"Good. That's the best part of having an army."
The Order of the Stick cracked up. As usual, the tales of their newest member, Zak Perfecto Destroyer Ultima Blade, the multiclassed Fighter/Wizard/ Rogue, with purple eyes and ochre hair, were the funniest they had ever heard since long before they had camped in the Forest of Plot Irrelevancy to listen to his perfectly perfect voice. Somewhat illogically, although the Order hadn't bothered to notice this, Zak also had an unaccountably tragic past, involving angry lobsters wielding pointy rocks. Despite this, he was still a wonderfully perfect and amazing person, with a heart of gold (Or maybe platinum…). However, there was one thing wrong with him. He was a Stu. And that's why the Society had to stop him.
"So then I cast Magic Missile and Light at the Swamp Troll, and grabbed the treasure chest, and then-,"
"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"
"Huh?" Zak turned just in time for a foot to connect with his noseless face. He went flying back into a wall that seemed to appear out of nowhere, and the person who had just kicked him in the face stood up. It was a small boy with a grin that appeared to almost stretch off his face.
"Sooo… what's up, Docs?"
The Order of the Stick simply stared. Then Roy Greenhilt, the fighter, and original leader of the team, although he had, of course, given up the position to Zak, spoke up.
"Who are you?"
The boy made a huge mock bow in the direction of the Order. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tyler Kahn, and your annoying friend here is under arrest for fandom manipulation. Or maybe it's mutilation. Nah, he hasn't done anything that serious yet. Either way, he's under arrest."
Zak jumped to his feet. "For what?"
Tyler groaned. "Weren't you just listening? Now, come quietly." He grabbed a Prohibitor and prepared to latch it on. Zak paled.
"What? No! You'll never take me alive!" He drew a sword with amazing speed, slashing at Tyler. The Society Agent jumped back, dodging the rapid strikes. Tyler launched a series of energy bursts, creating distance between himself and the Stu. Then he spun, grabbing Copyrights from nowhere, attaching them to bolts of magic, and firing them at Vaarsuvius, the elf wizard, and Haley Starshine, the human rogue. Just as they were about to hurl a fireball and arrows, respectively, the Copyrights struck, and the two instantly changed targets, blasting Zak into the same wall he had just left. Tyler smirked and walked over, grabbing the wall, which shrunk into a small cube, which was then stuffed into Tyler's pocket. Zak let out a groan of pain. Tyler bent down, now at eye level with the crumpled Stu.
"So, I'd say it's a little late to come quietly, but you can still surrend-AUGH!" Zak's eyes snapped open, and he fired a Magic Missile at Tyler, sending the Agent flying backwards. Tyler jumped to his feet as the Stu charged, already firing a series of energy bolts. Zak stumbled back, shielding his face. Tyler frowned.
"You're starting to bore me. Hunting Faya was ten times more fun than this. Would you at least try to put up a fight?"
Zak jumped up, hurling a knife at Tyler. Unlike Uber-Stu, Zak threw the knife with perfect accuracy, aimed directly between Tyler's eyes. Tyler stood still until the blade was within a foot of him, then disappeared. A nanosecond later, he reappeared ten feet away, the knife now lying uselessly on the ground where it had landed. Tyler grinned.
"Glad that worked. Apparently practice does make perfect. But seriously, knife-throwing is tricky! How are you so good at it?"
Zak smirked. "40th level Rogue."
Tyler's eyes widened. "What? That level can't even exist!"
"So? I'm a Stu, I can do what I want." Zak fired an arrow out of nowhere, Tyler barely diving aside in time.
"I guess that's the problem." Tyler responded, hurling a burst of wind energy. Zak blocked with a shield that had conveniently been forgotten up until this moment.
"What are you talking about?" Zak hurled another knife, which Tyler dodged again.
"Well, that's all you Sues and Stus ever do. Get what you want. There's not even any worries attached….you just have a new power, and… HEY! HOW DARE YOU DEFILE D&D CANON BY DOING THAT!" Zak had just fired a huge pillar of energy toward Tyler. The Agent rolled out of the path of the column, then charged Zak, vaulting toward him and kicking him in the face for the second time. As the Stu stumbled back, dazed, Tyler jumped up, preparing to smack him over the head with the staff. Just as the staff was about to connect, Zak blocked with his shield. Tyler spun, aiming to hit the Stu in the side, but the blow was blocked by Zak's sword. Zak tried to shove Tyler with his shield, but the Agent spun around, sweeping Zak's legs out, then blasting him away with an energy bolt. Tyler smirked.
"Okay, that's settled. Now, what was I talking about?"
Zak struggled to his feet, a bruise appearing where Tyler had kicked him. "I think you were admitting my total superiority."
Tyler frowned. "No, I don't think that was it… something about your incredible sucktasticness."
"Is that even a word?"
"No, but since when has that ever stopped me?"
"Uh… you do realize that since I'm a one-time character created solely for the purpose of this oneshot, I have no idea as to your tendencies when making up words."
"There's a word called rhetorical question. Ever heard of it?"
"Yes, actually."
"That… was… freaking… sarcasm!" Tyler hurled a grenade to accentuate his point, blasting Zak into a tree. The Stu stood unsteadily. "Oh, and I remembered where I was."
Tyler took out a scroll from nowhere and began reading from it. At this point, the Order of the Stick, who had been milling around randomly, wisely packed up and left, making sure to forget the incident.
"You have no problems. You've never been blocked from something, and if you have, you'll have access later. Nothing ever goes wrong for you, and when it does, you fix it, with everyone else looking on in awe. You are, in the immortal words of Abridged Yami, a 'walking Deus Ex Machina.' You have no flaws, no real character traits, no personality." At this point he paused to form a shield, blocking a series of slashes before knocking Zak away.
"Please don't interrupt my Hannibal Lecture. Now, where was I… oh, right. The author didn't even write a few words detailing you. You can't exist, Stu. I don't believe you should exist. Now what do you say to that?"
"Whimper…" Tears started to well up in Zak's eyes. "But... that can't be right… there's nothing wrong with me…"
"…That's exactly my point. There's nothing wrong with you. All humans have something wrong with them. Maybe they could use a few sessions in anger management, maybe they're not the most polite person ever... but you? Nothing. That's what's wrong with you. Your only flaw is that you have no flaws, Stu. And that's one of the worst flaws there is."
By now, Zak Perfecto Destroyer Ultima Blade was curled into a fetal position on the forest floor, bawling. Tyler stepped over and placed a Prohibitor on him.
"And thus, the downsides of having stronger emotions and being infinitely deeper than everyone else." Tyler opened a Plothole, tossed the Stu in, and followed.
"Hey, Tyler."
Tyler whipped around, firing a burst of wind at the speaker. Relyt only smirked, batting the attack away effortlessly. Tyler stepped out of his Plothole, letting it close. Relyt grinned insanely, drawing his staff. The two both took a battle stance, somehow appearing like perfect opposites of each other. As if to complete the effect, fight scene music played. Tyler made the first move, slashing with his staff and sending a scything wind at his doppelganger. Relyt dodged, firing an energy bullet at Tyler.
"Careful, you might hurt someone!" Tyler hurled a few explosives, knocking Relyt back and forming a cloud of thick smoke. Unfortunately, this also had the effect of shielding Relyt from Tyler's sight. The Protections Society Agent fired a wave of energy at Tyler, who was blasted off his feet into a tree. Tyler jumped down from the tree, tapping the ground and sending a line of energy spikes plowing toward Relyt. The latter blocked with a shield, then a pair of blades formed on his arms. Tyler was unimpressed.
"You know, those are pretty useless, seeing as we both have ranged abilities." To prove his point, Tyler fired a burst of energy at his twin. Relyt scoffed and parried, then lunged, slashing at Tyler. The Society Agent dived to one side, and the blades carved an X-shaped furrow in the ground. Tyler eyed the blades critically, even as Relyt lunged at him, slashing repeatedly.
"Not bad-Whoa!-Consider-Wha-ha!-ing that you-Aiee!-Just walked in-gah!-To my trap." Relyt paused momentarily to quickly scan the environment, and Tyler used the time to blast Relyt away with a sphere of wind.
"Okay, I lied. Now you fell into my trap." Tyler then took a small can out of nowhere. On the can was written "Instant Awesome: Just add Ninja." Relyt stared at the can apprehensively.
"What does that do?"
Tyler shrugged. "We're about to find out, aren't we?" He opened a Plothole, yanked out a random ninja, popped the can, and shoved it the ninja. Immediately a soft blue glow emanated from inside the can. Before anything else could happen, Tyler lobbed the can at Relyt. The Protection Society Agent formed a shield to deflect it, but the can simply phased through the field and landed at Relyt's feet. Before Relyt could run, a huge blue energy field appeared around him. Then the awesomeness began.
First, a piece of bacon appeared out of nowhere, slapping Relyt across the face. Then a ninja flashed through the orb of Awesome, slashing Relyt. Next, Batman appeared and landed a kick to Relyt, sending him flying into the air, where an explosion sent him ricocheting around the Awesome field. Then, a can of Mtn. Dew appeared, shook itself up, and blasted its contents into Relyt's face, followed by the same action being repeated by a bottle of beer, and a huge dark chocolate bar whacking Relyt over the head. Next, a block of Gouda cheese dropped on Relyt, stunning him, and setting him up for the next hit, a pirate jumping down and slashing repeatedly with his cutlass. Next, a burst of sniper fire sent him stumbling backward…right into the waiting Roundhouse Kick, delivered by the one and only Chuck Norris, which sent him flying into the small cloud of grenades. Next, a blob of beef jerky fell on him, burning his head slightly. This was followed by an enormous flood of piping hot black coffee, and a sausage to the face. Then a zombie clawed Relyt in the head and arm, and an assassin slashed him from behind with a pair of knives. Mr. T appeared, slammed Relyt on the ground, then disappeared, followed by a bomb blasting him into the top of the Awesome field, where he was blasted back down by a high-powered laser and strafed by a squadron of B-29 fighter jets. Next, a hail of throwing stars struck him, piercing the flimsy shield he had formed, and setting him up for the full clip of minigun fire that followed it. An orange zoomed by, creating a sonic boom that nearly deafened Relyt, and then a guy came out of nowhere, delivered a few punches and kicks, and left. Then a jet pack appeared on Relyt's back, and propelled him into the Awesome ceiling, followed up by a helicopter appearing underneath him and slashing him a few times. Then a giant microwave oven appeared around Relyt, toasting him, and then events moved into Light Speed, Awesomenest of Awesomes. Then everything in the Awesome Sphere went into Space, choking Relyt for a moment before dropping him onto the ground. Then, out of the blue (Awesome Sphere) a Taco Bell fell on Relyt's head. While the orange-clad Protection Society Agent was recovering, the Kool-Aid man came out of nowhere and body slammed him. Then a pot of ramen appeared and bashed him repeatedly over the head, followed by a LOTR Dwarf punching him in the groin. Relyt's eyes nearly popped out of his head, and outside of the Awesome Sphere, Tyler winced.
"That's gotta hurt…"
A vampire chomped on Relyt, draining a little of his blood, then Samuel L. Jackson jumped out of nowhere, punched him in the face, and left. A rocket flew out of nowhere, blasting Relyt in the face and causing his hair to stand on end, then almost all of said hair was sliced away by a sword slash. Relyt was pummeled by a series of tank cannon blasts, and a pair of nunchucks sent him spinning dizzily around the Awesome Sphere. A dagger somehow embedded itself into his back, although this didn't kill him, and a trebuchet-load of rocks smashed down onto him, forming a several-foot deep crater. A lightsaber slashed at him, forcing him to dive away, straight into the path of the oncoming Moon Jumper, who kicked him so hard he was sent flying into a Mecha. Said Mecha loosed all its guns, hitting Relyt with enough force to level a city block. Then the WWW zapped him with a few viruses, and he was shot through Hyperspace, ricocheting off the Awesome Sphere. A burst of lightning shot down from the heavens, frying Relyt, and a burst of fire shot up from the nether realms, doing the same. A giant barrel of pure alchohol poured down onto him, creating a huge explosion that blasted Relyt into the Awesome wall. A rain of Doritos lacerated him out of nowhere. A robot kicked him in the face. Then a wizard appeared. He chanted a long and confusing spell, which recreated Awesoments 1-53, and blasted Relyt with all of them. Then William Shatner appeared and recited poetry until Relyt beat him to death with a pointy stick. Then…dinosaurs, sharks, dragons, giant squid, penguins, eagles, cheetahs, crocodiles, wolves, bears, cobras, falcons, trilobites, werewolves, and mutants all exploded out of nowhere, beating Relyt into a bloody pulp, healing the wounds with their Awesome powers, and beating him again, before disappearing. A few fireworks detonated in honor of this, burning Relyt severely. A monster truck drove out of nowhere, crushing the battered Relyt under its tires, along with a motorcycle, which mimicked the action, although at ten times the speed. Then a battle ax slashed at Relyt, cutting his shoulder, and stunning him in time for the catapult load to knock him into next week. A raygun blasted him with its Awesome cosmic rays of cool, a DS smashed him in the head, and an anvil teleported over his head, crushing him. A computer slammed into him, knocking him down. Then he was sent back in time, and forced to repeat Awesoments 1-79. A tornado swept him up into a black hole, which he somehow survived. A storm hit him with wind and lightning. A pair of human ribs appeared and thwacked him, a Xenomorph burst out of his chest and disappeared, and a Jedi Force Pwned him. Christopher Walken appeared and was Christopher Walken, and he was then blown away by the proximity mines, along with Relyt. Next, there was an interlude. But since this was the Periodic Table of Awesoments, this interlude had to be Awesome. A guy with a mustache, a Mohawk, a hoodie with the yin-yang symbol on it, shades, a mullet, a skull tattoo, and a scar, appeared out of nowhere, played a guitar solo, then disappeared like the hologram he was. Then the Awesomness resumed with a battleship appearing, unloading all it's firepower into Relyt, and leaving for better places. Then, out of the blue, a castle fell onto him, crumbling into dust as it hit, followed by ten gallons of Legos. Then, a heavy metal song began playing, causing millions of magnets to go flying at Relyt, pummeling him repeatedly. Then a pile of Benjamins fell onto his head. Then a few thousand bounty hunters, attracted by the money, came and trampled Relyt. Finally, a ghost appeared and scared him. The Awesome Sphere faded away, leaving Relyt with only 1 HP of damage… and really, really pissed.
Meanwhile, Tyler had gotten popcorn and was watching the show. As Relyt got to his feet, largely unharmed, Tyler jumped up, hurling a sphere of energy at his doppelganger. Relyt parried, and fired back. Tyler disappeared, then reappeared twenty feet away, already firing. Relyt formed a shield, blocking, and Tyler shot forward, swinging his staff. Relyt blocked quickly, and shoved Tyler away.
"Tyler, I will kill you someday."
"Really? Well, you should probably learn basic accuracy."
"You little-," Relyt lunged forward, a huge energy hand bursting from his palm and slamming into Tyler's neck, lifting him ten feet into the air and beginning to choke the life out of him. Relyt smirked.
"So, I think I've got basic accuracy. Anything else, O wise master?"
"Always…..chk….bhnd….y'."
Relyt frowned.
"Always check behind you? What's that supposed to…GAH!" Out of nowhere, a ten-foot long snake exploded into the clearing, smashing through the energy hand and dropping Tyler to the ground. Relyt dived to one side, avoiding a painful death by being crushed. As both Agents stood, the snake wheeled around, preparing for another strike. Tyler and Relyt didn't give it any time. They both ran. The snake pursued, forked tongue flicking eagerly in anticipation of a new meal. Before any of the three knew what had happened, they had left the Forest of Plot Irrelevancy and entered the Canyon of Random Encounters. Tyler stumbled, grabbing Relyt by the back of his shirt and dragging him down too. The snake caught up, coiling in preparation to strike. Suddenly, three heads exploded out of the ground, biting the life out of the snake. By the time the snake was dead, the heads had been revealed as attached to a hydra. The hydra's nine heads examined Tyler and Relyt hungrily. As it was about to strike, a blast of fire shot down from the sky, roasting it, then a chimera flew down, eating the dead hydra. Tyler and Relyt paled.
"Resume running?"
"Yes, I think so."
They did. The chimera followed, occasionally loosing blasts of flame from its dragon head, or snapping at their heels with the lion or goat head. The two swerved around a corner, and began screaming at each other.
"You got us into this!"
"What? How did I do that?"
"No idea, but you did!"
"That makes no sense, Tyler!"
"So what, Relyt?"
"So why are you blaming-HOLY CRAP!" A huge black shape had just overshot the two, heading toward the chimera. Before either Tyler or Relyt could acknowledge the shape, it had slammed into the chimera, shaking it to death like a dog with a rat. As it rose up into the air, Tyler and Relyt got a good look at it. It was an immense Black Dragon, already gulping down the chimera. Tyler and Relyt took a moment to stare at the dragon in awe, then Tyler grabbed Relyt with a hand of energy and hurled him at its gaping maw. The dragon roared eagerly in anticipation of a new meal, but Relyt formed a web of energy, and shoved it into the dragon's mouth. As the dragon attempted to close its mouth, Relyt darted up the web and leapt over the dragon. The dragon lunged, missing the PCMSPS Agent, but the wind created by its flapping winds caught Relyt, sucking him into a whirlwind. As the dragon dived down, snapping at Tyler, the ACMSES Agent dived to one side, and was yanked up into the windstorm by the power of vacuum. Tyler spun around the center of the whirlwind, noticing Relyt, and positioning himself to ram the Agent. Relyt tried to dodge, but Tyler slammed into him, hard enough to knock them both out of the path the windstorm was taking them. Then they realized the storm was slowing down. They paled. Then they both shot toward the ground. Tyler lashed out with a punch, connecting with Relyt and sending him spiraling down. Relyt sent a stream of energy wrapping around Tyler's foot and yanking him down too. The Agents slammed into each other over and over again, still falling, but just as they were about to hit the ground, the dragon swooped by again, whipping up a gust of wind that sucked Tyler and Relyt back into the air. Relyt launched another energy rope at Tyler, grabbing his foot, but the Agent grabbed the rope, trying to yank Relyt towards him. The midair tug-of-war continued for a moment, before the Black Dragon's tail whipped out, slashing through the rope and sending both Tyler and Relyt flying in opposite directions. Tyler slammed into one wall of the canyon, while Relyt slammed into the other. The two dropped to the ground, too confused by all the homophones to do anything. The dragon roared in triumph, preparing to strike the final blow. It pulled its head back…
"SNEAK ATTACK!"
"FIREBALL!"
"DIEEE!"
"YAAHHHH!"
"Attack, attack, attack, attack the giant Black Dragon!"
The Order of the Stick seemed to appear out of nowhere on the cliff edge, attacking the Black Dragon with a combination of arrows, daggers, a sword, magic, and an inspiring song. The dragon reeled under the force of the assault, giving Tyler and Relyt time to jump to their feet and charge the dragon themselves. The dragon roared, lashing out with tail, tooth, and claw, several times nearly killing Tyler or Relyt with a bone-shattering strike. Belkar Bitterleaf, the halfling Ranger, leapt at the dragon at the same time as Relyt. The dragon dropped its head to snap at Vaarsuvius, and Belkar and Relyt collided hard. They landed on the dragon's head, glaring at each other. After rolling initiative, Relyt lunged forward with an energy-charged staff swing, sending Belkar flying to the opposite end of the dragon. The halfling leapt off the dragon's tail, bounced off the wall of the canyon, and slammed into Relyt, slashing at him repeatedly. An X-shaped slash sent Relyt plummeting down and slamming into the ground. The Protection Society Agent stood up as Belkar shot down after him, and snagged the Ranger in an energy lasso, flinging him at the dragon's maw. Belkar spun, slashing at the dragon and skimming just over its mouth, skiing down its neck, using his daggers as poles. The dragon screamed in pain, twisting and writhing to throw Belkar off. Just as it succeeded, Relyt slammed his staff down where Belkar had been a moment ago. The dragon turned to face him, eyes blazing. Relyt gulped.
"Oh crap…"
The dragon spasmed once, knocking Relyt to the ground, then loosed a stream of acid at the Agent. Tyler had taken the opportunity to attack the downed doppelganger, but halted as the acid shot towards Relyt. The Protection Society Agent grabbed a playing card from his belt and pressed a button. Immediately the card expanded into…a spool of thread? Relyt frowned, but unraveled the thread, hurling the 50x50x50 mass at the dragon. The acid burst slammed into the string, dissolving it, but Relyt was protected. Tyler prepared to strike again, but this time was blocked by Belkar, who tackled Relyt, slashing over and over again. Meanwhile, the dragon was trying to stop the volleys of arrows and magic periodically fired by Haley and Vaarsuvius. It launched acid blast after acid blast, but the two continued evading or shielding. Elan the human Bard was frantically playing a song while dodging tail strikes from the dragon. Roy was hacking at its wings, side, and neck. Belkar was still fighting Relyt, with Tyler attempting to help, but being blocked by acid blasts, arrows, or spiky purple tentacles. Relyt slashed with an energy blade, but Belkar flipped over his head, spun, and jammed both daggers into his kidneys. As this was an RPG, Relyt didn't die, but the attack hurt. He responded by channeling energy through the daggers, electrocuting Belkar. The halfling juddered for a moment, long enough for Relyt to yank out both blades, then spin around with a blast of energy to the jaw. Belkar flew back into the dragon, then bounced back at Relyt, who slammed him to the ground. Relyt paused to smirk, and was instantly slammed into by a now-unobstructed Tyler. The two of them fought for a moment in midair, before being separated by the lashing tail of the injured dragon. They skidded apart, and immediately dived for cover as Vaarsuvius fired a Lightning spell at the dragon, also striking the area around it. The dragon flailed once more, narrowly missing everyone in the vicinity, then fell to the ground, dead. The Order of the Stick cheered, then wandered off, ignoring the two OCs trying to kill each other.
"I will kill you and leave you for the crows!" Relyt screamed, launching a random pattern of blasts at Tyler.
"They have crows here? Cool! Maybe after I win this fight I'll roast a few with your anger!" Tyler screamed back, despite, or perhaps because of having jumped to within five feet of his double.
"Weren't you listening? This fight is mine!" Relyt slashed at Tyler's head.
"Weren't you listening? This fight is mine!" Tyler dodged, then swept Relyt's feet out from under him. Relyt rolled away, then punched forward, blasting Tyler away with a pulse of energy.
"Stop copying me!" Relyt formed an energy sphere and fired it at Tyler, blasting him off his feet.
"Stop copying me!" Tyler rolled up and sent a vertical wave of energy plowing into Relyt and slamming him into the canyon wall.
"Stop changing the emphasis on everything I say!" Relyt lunged, slamming Tyler into the opposite wall with a kick.
"Stop changing the emphasis on everything I say!" Tyler grabbed the wall cube, and tossed it at Relyt. It expanded into a wall, still moving at the same velocity, and sent Relyt flying. Tyler smirked. The wall transformed back into a cube and disappeared into Tyler's pocket. Relyt got to his feet, groaning.
"That… hurt."
"That's kind of the point, you know…"
Relyt snarled.
"This should hurt even more, though!" He grabbed something out of his own pocket. A closer look revealed said something to be a sphere, only an inch in diameter. Tyler frowned.
"What's that?"
"Well, you have a Wall of Defense…" Relyt tossed the sphere. In an instant, it expanded into a wall, which looked about as strong as paper-Mache, but was covered in spikes.
"…So I have a Wall of Offense!" The spikes shot off the wall, swerving towards Tyler. The Agent paled, then scrambled to one side, forming shields, deflecting spikes with energy bursts, staff strikes, and occasionally even bombs. After about ten seconds, the volley of spikes ended, with Tyler completely unharmed amid a field of spikes. The Agent smirked.
"Well, so much for that. Now, ready for the end?"
Relyt grinned.
"Yes. Yours."
Tyler frowned.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Then he heard a low humming. He looked around. Each and every spike produced a small laser rifle. Before Tyler had a chance to move, every one of them fired, slamming into him with the force of… something that closes hard, like a car door maybe. Eh, no idea really. Feel free to make up something. Anyway…er, where was I? Give me a minute…oh! Here we go! Tyler froze for a moment, almost comically, then collapsed. Relyt examined him, then walked over and kicked the prone Agent in the ribs. Tyler twitched, but didn't move otherwise. Relyt smirked, then bent down to try and lift his double. To state it quite simply, he failed. The Protection Society Agent groaned, and flopped up from where he had just fallen.
-
Meanwhile, back in the Library…
Tash's eyes widened. She grabbed her communicator and sent a message to any Society member capable of entering the fandom.
Relyt was attempting to drag Tyler into the Plothole, but he wasn't having much luck. He was too tired to simply lift him with magic, and he wasn't strong enough to actually move his counterpart. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a Plothole opening. He looked up. Three figures stepped out, Doug, Christoph, and Drake. Relyt studied them.
"You three are members of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society. Now, since the Stu in the fandom has been taken care of, I will use process of elimination to assume that you are not only not going to help me carry your friend, you are going to attempt to rescue him. May I put emphasis on the word 'attempt,' as it is obvious you will fail. Good day." Relyt dropped a smoke bomb, shrouding the canyon in smog. By the time the three Society Agents had cleared away the smoke, Relyt was gone.
-
Somewhere in the Multiverse…
Relyt and Ekard were sitting in an enormous room filled with various weapons and other unpleasant objects. As the camera zoomed in, we learned that Ekard was speaking.
"-So, you finally accomplished something?"
"Judging by the fact that we have our first prisoner from the Anti-Cliché Society, I think you should be able to answer that. Then again, considering it's you…" Relyt trailed off as Ekard stood, wristband glowing.
"Are you sure you want to finish that?"
"I don't know. I probably shouldn't waste my insults."
"That's it!" Ekard's armor appeared around him, and he grabbed Relyt by the throat. The Agent paled slightly. He hadn't planned on that. Ekard slowly began to constrict Relyt's breathing, before a sharp voice interrupted him.
"Put him down."
Ekard turned to the speaker, which appeared to be a Mii. He dropped Relyt unceremoniously, and the Agent landed in a heap.
"And what gives you the right to order me around?"
"I am Uber-Stu, a general in the Army of Perfection!"
"No you're not. All of you are generals, so there's nothing for any of you to command."
"Well, we're all generals!"
"Whatever. Either way, you all answer to us now."
"Not a chance! We're perfect, so…"
Ekard lunged forward, and the Stu died. It was a quick, painless affair, and there was no mess to clean up after, as the Stu quickly disintegrated into motes of light. Ekard grinned.
"That was fun."
Relyt finally stood.
"Soon we can do the same to the Society."
"Good. That's the best part of having an army."
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