Saturday, December 21, 2013

Insert Magical Explosions Here

The Library was, for once, silent. The Sues in the Basement were quiet, content with the new eating arrangements. There were no traps being set off by Drake and Tyler, no berserk howls as Shirley chased somebody through the halls, no annoyances in general. Tash loved it when it was quiet. It was perfect time for a cat nap.

As she rested on a soft couch, Kitty!Adrian snuggled up against her, Tash breathed a small sigh of content. It didn't get any better than this.

"BGWQAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" was the first thing that broke the silence. Lil' C, running as fast as its short little legs could carry it. It ran past Tash and Adrian in its mad dash for survival.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE RUNT!" was the second thing. Willie, his hands alight with black flame, following the young god as fast as he could.

"WILLIE, NO!" Was the third thing. Stephen, running after Willie, panicked. He made a soft breeze as he dashed by with his Rise-induced speed. Tash and Adrian didn't move for a moment.

"Should we go take care of it?" Tash asked, obviously not wanting to stop her snuggles time.

"Probably," Adrian sighed, stretching out his feline body before hopping down from the couch and landing on his feet as a man. Tash swung her legs off the couch, stood up, and flash stepped in the direction Stephen had just run.

When they caught up with the trio, the archaeology section was already in ruins. Then it got ruined even more when Willie was sent flying through a bookshelf to crash into a wall. Stephen appeared on top of the shelf that now had a hole in it. Neither of them had noticed Tash and Adrian yet.

"You deserved that!" he shouted. Lil' C had clamped itself firmly onto Stephen's head, and it yowled at Willie with all its might. Willie shook himself off.

"What's the big idea? All I wanted to do was find out how Lil' C would react to Hellfire!" He shouted back, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"How would it react? Probably, hmm, let me think… BY BURNING?" Stephen yelled. Willie let his hands burn with the purple-black flames of Hellfire again.

"It might have! This stuff sometimes has different effects!" Willie countered, juggling the flame idly.

"What, it makes the soul of whoever it burns writhe in eternal torment in Hell?" Stephen said. Willie bit his lip.

"…That's only if I'm really lucky! It could just make the person my demonic slave for a few hours, but that hasn't happened in a while!"

"You still want to hit a Junior God with hellish flame! In my book, that's usually a bad idea!"

"Should we stop them?" Adrian whispered to Tash. She shook her head.

"Let's see how this plays out," She said. Willie reduced the flame on his hand to cover just one finger.

"Come on, just once?"

"NO! Why are you so interested in burning it anyway?"

"To tell the truth? I'm just really, really bored," Willie answered. Without warning, the flame grew again, and Willie hurled it at Stephen. Stephen ducked just in time to avoid it.

"Oh, come on! That was uncalled for!"

"Stephen, we're friends, aren't we?"

"I have been led to believe that, but I have my doubts! And scars!"

"Scars? Come on, when have I ever hurt you?" Willie said. Stephen's eye twitched.

"Do you want the list in chronological order or degree of pain?" he asked.

"…Chronological?" Willie guessed, his brow furrowed in thought. Stephen started counting off on his fingers.
"First, you disemboweled me for taking some of Inara's oreos. Second, you tried to KILL me when I called you a pedophile under my breath!"

"I did not!"

"THIRD, you set up honest-to-Kamina mines in my bedroom, for no reason other than that you were bored!"

"Oh, they were duds! It was an innocent prank!"

"FOURTH, you filled my bed with thumbtacks!"

Willie paused. "I did?"

"YES! I've been pulling the damn things out of my ass for weeks!"

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember that," Willie said.

"And FIFTH, you LITERALLY just tried to burn me with that emo fire of yours!"

Tash and Adrian drew in a sharp breath. Stephen had just said the E-word. Willie's former thoughtful expression (he really couldn't remember if he had done the thing with the thumbtacks) vanished. He slowly lifted his head to give Stephen a glare that could boil water.

"What did you just say?" he growled. As his anger grew, things started to subtly change around him. Paint started to peel as if it had been burnt. Tiny embers appeared on splintered wood. Willie's skin-tight black armor started to shift and form more traditional armor, adorned with spikes that seemed stained with blood. Stephen gulped.

"…I've dug my own grave, haven't I?" He asked. Willie nodded curtly, and his hands lit with Hellfire again.

"Burn," Willie intoned, and hurled a mighty blast of Hellfire at Stephen with both hands. Stephen rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the fire. As Stephen rolled, Willie threw another blast, not giving Stephen time to recover. Stephen thought fast, and as soon as he was able to, rolled backwards off the bookshelf. A second later, he burst through the wooden shelves, sending books flying everywhere. Lil' C had wisely abandoned ship.

"DIE ALREADY!" Willie screamed, his hands now burning with regular fire. He sent it out in a huge cone, engulfing numerous flying books. Stephen jumped, curling himself up into a ball before entering the fire.

"IRONHIDE!" he screamed just before being swallowed by the flame. Willie smirked. He expected Stephen to be roast Agent by now. He didn't expect Stephen to fly out of the inferno still tucked into a ball, relatively unharmed. Willie's eyes widened. He threw another ball of fire, which struck Stephen and disappeared, finding nothing to burn.

It was hard to burn stone, after all.

Gravity and momentum pushed Stephen forward, straight towards Willie. In the split second before Stephen collided, Willie's hand flew to the black blade on his back, realizing that magic was useless. He made ready to pull the sword free, to let it cut through stony flesh...



Willie turned just in time to allow Adrian's boot to leave an impressive mark on his face. He was pressed to the ground by Adrian's weight, taking him out of Stephen's path. Just as Adrian had kicked Willie, there was a shiver of air, and Tash, wings burning, appeared in front of the Stephen-ball, using the flat of Nephthys to stop his advance. After a few seconds, Stephen fell in a heap to the floor. As he picked up his head, Tash leveled her blade at him.

"My office. Now," she ordered.

"Mht?" came Willie's muffled response.



Willie and Stephen stood in front of Tash's desk. Willie was scowling, while Stephen was looking at the ground in shame.

"Alright, let's hear it. From the top, no lies," Tash ordered. Willie and Stephen glanced at each other for a moment before Willie started to speak.

"Well, Inara, Tyler, Stephen, and I were playing poker…"

"Tyler was cheating."

"Stephen was losing, and I was struck by a sudden flash of…" Willie fanned his hands out, "Science."

"He got bored and wanted to find out what would happen if he hit Lil' C with Hellfire."

"As I said, science."

Tash tapped her fingers on her desk rhythmically.

"Anyway. Stephen told me that that was a stupid idea – he's wrong – so I summoned up a big rock to trap him under while I tried to hit Lil' C."

"And by the time I got it off of me, he had chased Lil' C out of the room, and Tyler and Inara had split the pot and made a break for it. When I caught up with them, he'd cornered Lil' C in the archaeology section, so I snuck up behind him and threw him through a bookshelf."

"Ow, by the way."

"And then, after that…"

"Stop," Adrian said, holding up a hand. "We know the rest."

"So, are you going to punish us?" Willie asked. Tash slowly shook her head.

"Not right now," She said, holding up a sheaf of paper, "Now, I need you two on your best behavior. Stephen, I'm giving you a mission. Willie, you're going to go with him to make sure things don't get too out of hand."

Willie's jaw dropped. "You're putting me on babysitting duty?"

"Didn't seem to mind with Inara," Stephen said into his hand. Willie growled at him, his hands almost flying to his razors before he stopped himself.

"Best behavior, both of you. Now, it's a Level Four Sue, so be on your guard," Tash warned. Willie laughed.

"FOUR? You're sending me on babysitting duty for a Level Four?"

Stephen ignored him. "It'll count for our deal?" he asked. Tash nodded. Willie stopped laughing.

"What deal?" he asked, glancing between Stephen, Tash, and Adrian.

"I'll tell you later," Stephen said, turning to Tash. "Where is it?" He asked. She looked over the paperwork briefly.

"Fairy Tail," she answered. Both Agents' eyes widened.

"Not complaining anymore," Willie said, pulling out his Plothole Generator and opening a Plothole. He hopped through it without a second's thought. Stephen looked back at Tash and Adrian, his expression pleading.

"…With him?" He clarified. Tash pointed at the Plothole. Stephen sighed. "Going, going," He grumbled.

-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-

The country of Fiore was at peace. Ever since the mysterious Fey Tale had arrived on the streets of Magnolia with nothing but amazing looks, a (tiny) dress, and a story of woe, she had risen to the level of S-Class Mage in the illustrious Fairy Tail, the most powerful (and infamous) mage guild in Fiore. From there, she singlehandedly wiped out every Dark Guild on the map, all while refusing the title of Guild Master due to her overwhelming purity and humility. It was for the same reasons that she denied the advances of Fire Dragon Slayer Natsu Dragneel, saying that it was too early in her life for love. Everything was perfect. And it was for that reason that Fey needed to be taken down.

-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Magnolia, two Plotholes opened almost in unison, revealing Willie and Stephen walking out and complaining.

"Okay, not that I mind being here, but if you had just let me Hellfire Lil'C when I asked you to, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"Um... hello? Even if you didn't try to kill me multiple times, I still wouldn't let you try to kill my pet!"

"For the last time, those were harmless pranks! If I wanted to kill you, you would be dead right now! And I don't even remember the thumbtacks thing!"

"Oh you son of a-" Stephen said, before pulling his fist back, ready to punch the hell out of Willie.

"Hey! A fight! Can I join in?" a loud, obnoxious voice clamored. Willie and Stephen turned, and their mouths fell open. The man standing in front of them was Natsu Dragneel, legendary Fire Dragon Slayer and member of Fairy Tail, but he just looked wrong. His hair was supposed to be spiky and disorderly. He was supposed to be wearing a vest that showed his impressive muscles because he wasn't wearing a shirt. He was supposed to have his green-scaled scarf on. Happy, his small, anthropomorphic, blue cat sidekick who could grow wings was nowhere in sight. But now, his hair was combed, he was wearing a button down shirt, and Happy was nowhere to be seen.

"N-N-Natsu?" Willie asked, voice trembling.

"Yeah, that's me. So can I join in on your fight?" Natsu shouted, bobbing his head up and down.

"Why is your hair combed? Why are you wearing a shirt? What in the name of Kamina is going on here?" Stephen asked, his eyes dilating with rage.

"Oh, well, I figure if I got all neat and tidy, then Fey would actually date me! So far it's not working, but once Happy lures her over to my house and I show her how clean it is, she'll have to fall for me!" Natsu exclaimed, which really wasn't much of a surprise. Willie and Stephen turned to each other and gave a quick nod.

"Truce until this Fey gets taken care of?" Willie asked, fondling his razors.

"Truce," Stephen replied, before getting punched out of Magnolia's gate by a flame-covered fist. Willie immediately began laughing like mad before the same fist turned around and knocked him into a conveniently placed fruit cart.

"NO ONE TRIES TO HURT FEY ON MY WATCH! FIRE DRAGON'S ROAR!" Natsu shouted, before breathing a massive gout of fire at Willie.

"Oh, Lucifer," Willie groaned, trying his best to shield himself from the flames. They never touched him.


In an instant, a wall of ice sprang up between Willie and the flame. It held up surprisingly well against the fire, which dwindled as Natsu ran out of breath. When the fire was gone, Natsu turned on the source of the ice, snarling.

"DAMNIT, GRAY! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT! DON'T JUST BUTT IN FOR THE HELL OF IT!" He shouted, stomping his feet on the ground in anger. Willie looked up.

"Gray?" He repeated, following Natsu's gaze to the ice mage.

Gray Fullbuster was a mage who used potent ice molding magic, meaning he could create structures of ice from nothing. He and Natsu, who used fire magic taught to him by a dragon, clashed very frequently. He had black, spiky hair, a well-toned body, and was also wearing a button up shirt with a flower in the lapel. He grinned when Willie said his name.

"Oh, you've heard of me?" he said proudly. Willie just stared at him blankly.

"Who are you?" he finally asked. His words hit Gray like an arrow.

"Who am I? I'm Gray! Gray Fullbuster! Fairy Tail's second best molding magic user! Featured twice in the Weekly Sorcerer before it became the Weekly Fey! And, most importantly, the man who Fey WILL FALL FOR!" Gray shouted, pointing to the sky with one hand while removing his shirt with the other. As soon as he had done so and discarded the garment, Willie smacked his fist into his palm.

"Oh, Gray! I didn't recognize you with a shirt!" He said. Gray stared at him in confusion as he took off his pants, leaving him in his boxers.

"What are you talking ab…" He looked down, expecting to see his freshly laundered shirt. Gray's eyes popped out of his skull. "CRAP! I DID IT AGAIN!" He screamed. He quickly pulled his pants back up before grabbing his shirt and hastily putting it on. Natsu roared with laughter.

"MORON! THAT'S WHY FEY DOESN'T LIKE YOU, YOU FREEZER-HEAD!" He laughed, clutching his stomach. Gray glared at him, obviously fighting his compulsion to take his own clothes off.

It's… it's a long story, okay?

"What was that, hothead?" He spat. Willie cleared his throat. Both Fairy Tail mages turned on him.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" They both screamed.

"I was wondering… would you two mind not fighting each other so that my colleague and I can beat the crap out of you?" Willie asked politely, pointing to the empty air beside him as if Stephen had returned after getting punched by Natsu. After a moment of silence, Willie looked over. He turned around to face the forest around Magnolia.


"JUST A SECOND! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!" Stephen shouted in response. There was a loud creaking, followed by a snap, and Willie, certain that Stephen was on his way, faced Gray and Natsu again, his arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

"Oh, you're dead meat now. We're two of the top mages in the secret Society Guild, and we've never lost a fight when we've worked togeth…" He paused, seeing Natsu's and Gray's deadpan faces directed to a spot next to him. Willie slowly turned his head, and adopted the same expression as Natsu and Gray.

It was Stephen, looking completely indifferent, wearing a tree. When Natsu had punched him, he had hit a tree headfirst and went clean through it. It had taken some creative thinking, but Stephen had managed to snap the tree in half. Now, he stood there, his head sticking out of one side of the tree and his feet sticking out the other. The broken end of the tree faced forward, and the leafy branches were in the back. Silence reigned for a moment. Finally, Willie spoke.


"I'm stuck, alright?"

"I can see that," Willie said. He looked back at Natsu and Gray. "Can we have a moment?" He asked. Both mages nodded, still staring at Stephen and his new fashion accessory. Willie pulled Stephen aside, trying not to laugh at the way he had to walk, which could be easily compared to waddling.

"Can we hurry this up? This thing is kinda heavy," Stephen said.

"Fine. Look, these guys aren't going to let us get to Fey that easily. We're going to have to fight them. I'll take Natsu, and you take Gray, alright?" Willie said. Stephen lifted an eyebrow, turning around to look at their two opponents. He accidentally hit Willie with the tree.

"…Gray? Which one is…" At that moment, Gray failed his willpower check and pulled his shirt off, completely unaware that he was doing it. "Ah, that one. I couldn't tell."

"Yeah, it was tough for me, too. Anyway, are you ready, tree-man?"

"Don't call me tree-man."

"Okay, Woody."

"On second thought, go back to tree-man."

"Cheerio, then," Willie said, before turning to Natsu with a smirk on his face. "Now, face the wrath of the Society Guild!" he shouted, launching a giant rock which Natsu melted in ten seconds flat.

"Seriously? You think that a little rock is enough to beat me? Fire Dragon's Claw!" Natsu said, since shouting is really his way of talking. He then lit his foot ablaze, kicked Willie, incinerated him and then went on to tell Fey of his heroic deeds. Or at least, that was the plan. What actually happened was he lit his foot ablaze and then Willie sucked the flame off his foot and transformed it into a ball of ice.

"Elemental master, asshole," he said, before creating a giant ice dragon and tossing it at Natsu, who swiftly melted it down. "Okay, maybe using ice wasn't the smartest idea I ever had. Grand Boulder!" he shouted, summoning an even bigger rock which Natsu obliterated just as quickly.

"Ha ha! I thought you said you were a powerful mage! Now then, eat this! Fire Dragon's Crushing Flame!" he intoned, before lighting his fist on fire, again, and charging.

Shit! Willie thought. Can't use air, that'll make it stronger, earth and ice are useless, metal won't last more than a minute, and I can't trust water! Let's see… I got it! "Hellfire!" Willie exclaimed, launching his traditional black flames, which Natsu ate in seconds. Dragon Slayer magic is a strange magic. The user can produce a single element from their bodies at will, as long as they have enough magic power to do it. They can temporarily power themselves up by eating the element they have control over, as long as it wasn't produced directly by the Dragon Slayer. Since Natsu is the Fire Dragon Slayer, he can eat fire.

"Delicious! Now then-wait. All of a sudden I don't…" Natsu began, before crumpling to the ground in pain. As Willie watched, confused, Natsu's bright pink hair turned a dark purple, his skin became black, and horns shot out of his hair. When he got up, he looked at Willie with utter subservience in his eyes. "How may I serve you, master?"

Willie chuckled with glee. "Oh, we are going to have so much fun…"

-Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society-

Meanwhile, Gray, still clad only in his boxers, and Stephen, still stuck in a tree, were charging at each other. Or rather, Gray was charging and Stephen was waddling as quickly as he could, even with Rise activated.

"Ice Make - Sword!" Gray projected, smashing one hand into the other and pulling out a blade made entirely out of ice.

"Um… jeez, now I have to think up a name or I'll look ridiculous," Stephen said as Gray continued to charge at him. "Okay, um, Ultra Swing?" He said weakly, turning and hitting Gray with the tree. Gray struck a wall, and crumpled to the ground, unconscious. Stephen looked at him for a second, blinking. "Okay, that was way too easy."

"Fey's pussified all the main characters to make herself look good," Willie said, walking to Stephen with Demon Natsu trailing behind. "Now hold still while I burn this tree off you."

"No way! How do I know you won't burn me up just to get revenge?"

"You don't. But if you're going to be a baby about it, here." Willie then caused the tree to fall apart with a single gesture.

"Buh, wuh, why didn't you do that when I came back!"

"Because it was way too funny an opportunity to miss. Now come on. We have a guild to raid."

"Do we have to…" Stephen paused, noticing the demonized Dragon Slayer following Willie. "Is that…"

"Natsu. I've got a pet Dragon Slayer!" Willie said cheerfully. Stephen sighed.

"Oh, this is going to be a long day…"


The gate in front of the guild hall was almost always open, and there was always noise from inside. Fairy Tail. One of the most powerful, largest, most infamous guilds in Fiore. Fairy Tail's guild hall was simply huge. It had three floors, each a bit smaller than the last, and was made to look like a castle. Now, Willie, Stephen, and Demon Natsu stood outside of the gate, looking up at it.

They were silent for a moment.

"You ready?" Willie asked. Stephen slowly nodded, and the trio stepped through the gates.

The hall was filled with people, sitting at the numerous tables, drinking. Former S-Class mage Mirajane flitted between tables, dropping off orders and taking new ones. The request board was covered in sheets of paper, listing out numerous jobs, ranging from 'Kill Giant Monster' to 'Clean My Bathroom'. Of course, there was something slightly wrong, which Willie and Stephen noticed almost as soon as they entered.

"…I don't believe this…" Willie moaned, his eyes starting to tear up. "I finally get to go to Fairy Tail… AND EVERYTHING IS FREAKING PINK!" he fell to his knees, sobbing.

"That's not all, I think," Stephen said, looking around the room. "There're some people missing."

Willie looked up and scanned the room. "You're right. No Lucy, no Erza, no Levy, no Kana…"

"One second. Testing something," Stephen said, walking to the nearest occupied table. He tapped on the shoulder of the nearest man. "Sorry about this. Testing a theory," He said, and then slammed the man's head into the table.

After pulling his face out of the wood, the man turned on Stephen. "You just hit me!"

"Are you going to hit me back?" Stephen asked. The man thought about it for a moment, then shrugged.

"Nah. Fey doesn't like it when we all fight," He said, returning to his drink as if nothing had happened. Stephen returned to Willie.

"She's messed this place up big time. None of the women are here except for Mirajane, there's no fighting, everything's pink, Natsu was all…" Stephen waved his hands in the air, looking for the right word to describe it, "…blech, Gray was actively trying to wear clothes…"

"We'll have to find her. Find her and kill h-"

"NO. We WON'T kill her, do you understand?" Stephen said abruptly. Willie almost jumped back from the force in Stephen's voice.

"Alright, fine, I'll try," He said. "Does it have something to do with the 'deal'?" He asked. Stephen nodded.

"After I got back from Deadman Wonderland, I wanted to interrogate Vladimir for information about Nameless. The leaders are refusing to let me, since they don't think I have enough experience to take on Nameless at this point. They told me that if I could bring in three Level Four Sues without nearly getting killed, I could interrogate him."

"And she has to be alive?" Willie said.

"Yes, Willie."

"Aww," Willie sighed, pouting a bit.

"Oh, cry me a river. Anyway, Natsu, we need some information," Stephen said, facing Willie's demonic slave. Natsu nodded respectfully.

"First: Where are all the women?" Stephen asked.

"All the female mages of Fairy Tail left soon after Fey Tale joined, believing… nay, knowing that they were inferior to her in every way," Natsu answered.

"What kind of magic does she use?" Willie asked.

"Magic Dragon Slayer. The mightiest of all Dragon Slayer magic."

"What does it do?"

"Kills things."

"I mean specifically."

"Kills them dead."

"Is that all I'm going to get out of you?"

"Most likely, m'lord."

"Greeeaaat," Willie said sarcastically. "Now, where is she…" He wondered aloud. He turned around, knowing that since he had said that, she would most likely be right behind him. Sure enough, he was right.

"Hello, may I help you?" Fey Tale asked kindly. Willie's eyes slowly widened and his jaw dropped. Her skin was a perfect ivory, flawless and shining. Her long, long hair was as silver as the moon, and as smooth as silk. Of course, that was not exactly what attracted Willie's attention. At the moment, the only thing going through his mind was daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmn. Her body. Her body was slim, curvaceous, and incredibly well gifted. Even more well gifted than one of the series' main protagonists, Lucy Heartphilia. They could stop men dead in their tracks. Stop conversations. Stop wars. Bullets.

Okay, let me put it a different way.

Her tatas were enormous.

Stephen shook Willie's shoulder. "Snap out of it, man," He said.

"You're looking, too," Willie said, not breaking his gaze.

"How did you…"

"I said, may I help you?" Fey repeated, now getting a bit irritated by the ogling.

"Count of three, we both look away. Ready?" Stephen said. Willie nodded.

"One… Two… Three!"

Both Agents quickly looked away simultaneously, intent on not looking back. A little vein popped on Fey's forehead.

"Okay, are you Fey Tale?" Willie asked, looking up at the ceiling.

"Yes, I am," Fey answered. Both Stephen and Willie pulled out their badges.

"We're from the Society. You're under arrest," Stephen said simply. "If you would please come with us without a…"

Fey gasped, noticing the person standing behind Willie. "Omigosh, Natsu-kun!" She squeaked, shoving both Agents aside and rushing to Natsu. She pulled at his hair a bit and grabbed his horns, slowly realizing that it wasn't dye and they weren't fake. An aura of anger began to flow out of her in waves.

"You… you did this," she spat, staring at Willie and Stephen. Stephen quickly pointed at Willie. Fey didn't pay any attention to him, and started to float in the air.

"You turned Natsu-kun EMO! YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN FOR THIS!" she screamed. The entire hall emptied out within seconds, no one wanting to risk getting caught in the brawl. "Now… die," she murmured, before launching a blast of water that knocked Stephen into a wall, leaving a large depression and an unconscious agent.

Willie turned to Fey and smirked. "Well, just you and me now. Let's get moving," he said, the cockiness in his voice practically tangible. He then shot out a blast of white-hot flames, flames which Fey ate the second they came in contact with her.

"Not bad, but a little too cold. If you have something hotter, feel free to send it up. Wood Dragon's Roar!" she intoned, before breathing out a massive wave of sharp branches. With barely a gesture, Willie conjured a massive shield of flames, reducing the wood to ashes.

"So, you're an elementalist too? I thought you were a Magic Dragon Slayer."

"I am. Magic Dragon Slayer allows me to ingest any spell and then use the style it came from. So far I have consumed the Dragon Slayer magics for Fire, Water, Earth, Wood and Metal."

"Ah, the Chinese system. Very nice. Too bad that's just one of the elemental styles I happen to practice!" With that, Willie drew his razors and twirled them around his fingers.

"Show off."

"You're really one to talk. Eternal Crescents!" Willie exclaimed, before launching several crescent shaped blasts of energy from his razors.

"Fire Dragon's Claw!" Fey intoned, before covering her hand in flames and launching a blast of fire, torching the blasts and heading straight towards Willie.

"Tempest Shield!" Within moments, a shield of water covered Willie and dissipated the fire, leaving not the slightest burn upon him. He then shaped the water into a sword and lobbed it at Fey.

She simply smiled and created a wall of earth, which absorbed the water before sinking into the ground. "Infinite Spears!" Willie immediately created a curtain of branches beneath him, blocking the array of diamond hard earth spears before they even rose up.

"Wow. For a Sue, you're pretty good with Elemental Rock Paper Scissors."

"Thanks. I suppose I should take compliments from an agent whenever I get them."

"You should. Especially because I'm going to take you down now!" With that, Willie prepped himself for a charge, before a hand stopped him. He looked down and saw Demon Natsu shaking his head.

"No, master. Allow me to take care of this infidel for you," he said, his voice carrying the depths of loyalty.

"Um… I'd much rather take her out myself but you can have a crack at her, I guess."

"Thank you. Now die, interloper!" Demon Natsu shrieked, before running full tilt at Fey, only to crash into a giant wall that Fey had pulled out of her cleavage. He slid to the ground, unconscious, while Willie just stared and blinked.

"So… um… what else do you have in there?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know. And now you will suffer for turning my dear Natsu-kun emo!" Fey then snapped her fingers, creating a sword of pure Dragon Slayer iron, perfect for her grip and extremely ornate.

"A sword? I thought you were a mage."

"I wasn't always a mage, just as I wasn't always from this fandom. Do you know of a little fandom called Chronicles of the Cursed Sword?"

"Yeah, actually. It's a surprisingly good manwha. Why?"

"Well, it's where I first came from, a Sue too low level to get picked up on the radar. Although I was able to master the most powerful techniques, the fandom was just too small to get a strong enough hold. So I came here, keeping only the techniques I would require based on my magic. Can you guess which ones?" With a smirk on her face and a tilt in her head, Fey lifted the sword, which began to glow bright white at the tip.

"Techniques… oh you've got to be kidding me!" Willie exclaimed, before running to the Stephen hole and prying him from it. "Stephen! Wake the hell up!"

"Wha… no, Lil' C, you can't have any more zombie hands… wait, what? Willie? Did we beat the Sue yet?"

"No, and I'll need your help to beat her before she-"


"Shit! Run!" He then quickly picked Stephen up and dragged him to another corner, right before Fey slammed into the wall and sliced it into ribbons. That shook Stephen out of his stupor pretty quickly.

"What? She has a sword! And that isn't a Fairy Tail spell!"

"It's not a spell at all. It's a sword technique."

"Say wha? How did she master that, if it's not even from this fandom?"

"Because she's not even from this fandom. She originally came from a fandom where they had a set of techniques known as the Five Elements of Heaven and Hell. In there, there are twenty-five techniques, five each for the elements of Metal, Fire, Earth, Wood, and Water."

"So not only is she a master mage, she's a master swordsman?" Stephen sighed. "Why do I always deal with the 'tougher than they look' Sues?"

"Doesn't matter. I know most of the techniques from reading the manga, so we can do this. Ready to fight?"

"You know it," Stephen said, popping his knuckles. "I'll take care of that sword," He said, stepping forward to face Fey.

"Are you crazy?" Willie almost shouted without realizing that it was a dumb question. Stephen looked back at him.

"I'll be fine. Just watch," He said confidently. Willie grimaced.

"I think that you should watch instead," He said, pointing at something in front of Stephen. Stephen turned to look at what Willie was pointing at, and saw that it was, in fact, the tip of Fey's sword.

"Oh, balls."

"Flames of the Sun," Fey said. A small fiery ball erupted from the tip of the sword. Stephen moved quickly, years of martial arts training kicking in. Fey was holding the sword in her left hand, so he moved his left foot, stepping out of the fireball's path. Quickly, he grabbed her wrist, twisting it until she was forced to drop the sword. As soon as the sword hit the ground, he grabbed her arm with his other hand and spun around, releasing her and letting her fly into the far wall.

"…That was awesome," Willie said. Stephen grinned.

"I know, right?" He said. He reached down and grabbed the sword, swinging it around experimentally.

"Do you know how to use a sword?" Willie asked.

Stephen shook his head. "Hardly," He said bluntly. On the other side of the room, the dust from Fey's impact settled, revealing a very, very annoyed Mary Sue.

"Oh, goody, you're still alive. At this point, I find it customary to point out the following fact: I got your sword, ha ha ha ha hah-ha. I got your sword, ha ha ha ha hah-ha," Stephen taunted. A shaft of metal grew from Fey's shoulder. She grabbed it and ripped it out, revealing that it was also a sword. Stephen stopped taunting her.

"…Stupid Metal Dragon Slayer abilities," He groaned. Fey launched herself forward in total silence, too angry to even shout out the names of the attacks. It was through a combination of skill, reflexes, sheer dumb luck, and random flailing that Stephen was able to survive.

"Stephen, duck!" Willie shouted, dashing forward. His armor had changed to be more combat oriented, and Willie had his hand on the black katana that now appeared on his back.

Stephen quickly ducked, letting a horizontal slash from Fey pass over him. Willie jumped over Stephen, wincing as the katana drained an ounce of blood from him as it was unsheathed. Just as Fey's blade passed over Stephen's head, Willie spun and cut Fey's blade at the hilt, followed by putting his free hand to her face and releasing a burst of fire. Willie landed on his feet on Stephen's back. Much akin to a boss.

"How's THAT taste!" He said, laughing. The smoke around Fey's head cleared, showing that she was… unharmed.

"Like something died in my mouth," Fey answered. Willie paled. Fey wiped her mouth with her arm.

"You ate it, didn't you?"


"Am I doomed?"


"Willie, will you please get off me!" Stephen requested. Willie quickly hopped off of Stephen.

Fey pulled another sword out of her body, bringing it down at Stephen. He activated Ironhide just in time, and the sword recoiled, leaving Fey wide open. Willie took advantage of the situation and jumped forward, prepared to cut Fey open. She recovered quickly, however, and swung at Willie, knowing that trying to block would be futile. Stephen's Ironhide timed out before she could, however, and he stepped between the two and blocked Fey's sword with Fey's former sword. Willie moved around him, using his momentum to make another swing. Fey abandoned her sword and back-flipped away.

"Is that seriously all you've got?" Willie asked her. Fey smirked, producing another sword.

"Now would be a good time to tell you that I'm not left-handed," She said.

"I don't think that switching which hand you use is really going to…" Stephen started saying.

He stopped when Fey pulled another sword out of her body with her right hand.

"I'm ambidextrous," She said. Willie and Stephen could feel their chances of victory slipping away.

"Okay, fun time's over," Willie decided, putting away his sword. He pointed at the two swords Fey was holding and clenched his fist. The metal crumpled up in response, much to Fey's surprise.

"That's just cheap," Stephen said.

"If you have another idea, I'm all ears."

"Clever. It seems that you two might be tougher to deal with then I originally thought," Fey said. She tossed away both useless swords, and brought her hands together. A ball of magical energy started to form between them. "As is the custom of the Fairy Tail justice system, I will give you until the count of three. Now… kneel."

Fairy Law. One of the most powerful spells in the guild. It can thoroughly decimate all those that the caster views as being an enemy of Fairy Tail.

"Oh, crap. Stephen, could you take care of this one?"


"Juuust a moment."



"Wait for it…"

The ball of magic in Fey's hands continued to grow. "THR-"

Stephen pushed forward before Fey could finish, his fist pulled back. In the second before she could finish the countdown, he punched her in the face.





"Oh, THAT'S IT. FAIRY!" Fey shouted, forsaking the countdown. She lifted the orb of magic above her head.

"Oh, crap," Stephen said.

"STEPHEN! GET OVER HERE!" Willie shouted. He had built up a thick shelter of metal and stone to defend himself, and there was only one wall open now. He beckoned for Stephen to move his keister. Stephen dashed over, diving inside just as Willie pulled up the final wall from the ground with magic.


Stephen and Willie crouched in the darkness, waiting for the violent blast of magic to subside. The outer walls of the shelter were peeled away quickly, but the shelter was very thick.

"Okay, we need a new plan. Can you do anything besides punch people?" Willie asked. Stephen scowled at him, but nodded.

"I can turn myself to stone, but that's mostly just a defensive move," He answered. Willie clenched his eyes shut, trying to come up with some sort of plan.

He clicked his fingers. "That's it. I've got an idea. Does it take long for you to turn to stone?" He asked. Stephen shook his head.

"Not really. But I can only keep it up for five seconds, I can't move while doing it, and I can still get damaged by blunt attacks. Why?"

"Well, I'll need you to trust me."

"…Oh no."

"Just do it! We don't have much time!" Willie said. The blast was starting to subside, and there was only one wall left in the shelter.

"Alright, fine! I'll trust you for now!" Stephen conceded. Willie smiled.

"Good. Now, on the count of three, I'm going to drop the walls. I'll divert her attention, and you get behind her and wait for my signal, then turn yourself to stone. Got it?"

Stephen nodded, his temporary fatigue all but gone now.

"Here we go, then… one…"

Stephen focused his mind, feeling his limbs grow stronger as Rise activated.


What little air there was in the shelter started to twist around Willie. The flames of Hellfire gathered in his hands. The final sound of the explosion subsided. The guild hall had miraculously survived the blast.


Willie instantly dropped the walls. As soon as he did so, Willie forced himself into the air using wind magic, propelling himself nearly ten feet into the air. With a roar, he released a cone of Hellfire from his hands, aiming it directly at Fey. Fey, despite having just cast one of the most powerful spells in the fandom, recovered quickly. Her cheeks started to fill up as she drew in a deep breath.

"FIRE DRAGON'S ROAR!" She (somehow) screamed, and a blast of golden fire erupted from her mouth, clashing with the Hellfire. As Willie drew Fey's attention, Stephen ran, giving Fey a wide berth so that she wouldn't notice him. He soon stood about ten feet behind Fey, waiting for Willie to give him the signal.

Hellfire and the golden flame continued to burn against one another, until both dwindled out. As Willie started to succumb to gravity, Fey drew another breath, this time filling her mouth with shards of metal and rust. But they were MAGICAL shards of metal and rust. Plus she'd had her tetanus shots.

Willie smirked.

"NOW!" He screamed. Stephen drew in a sharp breath and tightened his muscles, turning himself into stone. As soon as he did so, Willie worked his magic. With an abrupt pull of his hands, the stone that now made up Stephen's body bent to his will, and the living statue was sent into the air, straight at Fey. She turned around just in time to register what was about to happen, her jaw dropped and her eyes widened.

Then, she saw only stars.

Stephen's gray eyes turned blue, signaling the end of Ironhide. He pushed himself up off of Fey. She was out cold. "Well, she went down pretty easy," He noted, slapping a Prohibitor onto her arm. Willie nodded.

"So, do you want to finish her off, or should I do it?" He asked, pulling out one of his razors. Stephen punched him in the arm. He accidentally put a bit too much force into it and left a bruise. Willie grabbed his arm in shock.

Their eyes met and their was a moment of silence between them. A moment of peaceful understanding. They saw into the other's thoughts, and they were thinking the same thing: That they still wanted to beat the crap out of one another.

Lighting crackled across Willie's fingers. "Nobody to stop us now," He said. Stephen flexed his hands, popping his knuckles. "Fine by me," He said, lacing his words with as much malice as he could.

There was a sigh.

"I'm going to enjoy this so much more than I should," Adrian said. Both Agents looked down. Kitty!Adrian was sitting between them on top of Fey. "Hello," He said smugly. Kitty!Adrian crouched down and released the force built up in his strong hind legs to jump straight up. Two pairs of eyes followed him in his ascent, watching as he turned from feline to human in midair. Both of them knew exactly what was about to happen, but they were too slow to do anything about it.



To make a long story short: Willie and Stephen were brought back to the Library unconscious. Fey was sent to the Basement, and it was marked that Stephen had captured one of the three Sues. When Willie and Stephen finally woke up from their face-kick induced nap, both had completely forgotten what they had been fighting about. Also, they could no longer correctly pronounce the word 'rutabaga', for some reason.

The moral of the story: If you're going to try to beat up one of your colleagues, make sure that none of your superiors who can kick you in the face so hard your nose comes out your belly button are around. Also, drugs. They are very, very bad.

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