Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Insert Summoning Spam Here

Tyler woke up in the morning to several odd things. In order of when he noticed them;

There was a note next to his bed.

He was six inches taller than when he had fallen asleep last night.

His room was a darker shade of blue.

Tyler got up, picked up the note, and began reading.

"Dear Tyler,

Hi. It's your author."

Tyler blinked. The last time he and his author had spoken was when he had joined the Society.

"As you may have noticed, you are now five feet tall. The reason for this is that you have received what is known as an art upgrade. It happens periodically in any form of visual media."

"I thought I was in a written media…"

"Despite your presence in a fanfiction; your source universe is styled after video games. As such, you just received an art upgrade."


The letter continued. "Nobody aside from you will notice any difference, as art upgrades automatically cause everyone to believe the art in question to always have been that way. Enjoy being able to reach the top shelf!


Your Author."

Tyler just blinked. Again.


"That's…a really long name."

"Tyler, you've been an Agent for over a year, you should be used to it by now!"

"Yes…..but that's just overkill! Nothing has a name that long, not even that molecule I used to distract Faya!"


"I think I'll just call him John."

Tash blinked. "That isn't even part of his name."

"Yeah, but all his other names were so long and boring that I forgot them after you said them."



In the Final Fantasy XII fandom…

Vaan, Penelo, Kytes, Filo, Tomaj¸Balthier, Fran, and Llyud had been heading towards the Keep of Forgotten Time to defeat Feolthanos, the enemy of the series, when a purple hole had opened in the sky and a boy had fallen out. He had told the group his name, but it was incredibly long, so everyone just called him John. Almost immediately, things started to change. First, he had made fuel out of auracite, and Vaan's airship had gotten to the Keep in less than an hour. When they got there, he defeated Feolthanos in an instant with an incredibly powerful Yarhi. By the time the Society had gotten involved, Vaan and his group had become minor characters.


On Lampshade Isle, a small floating island where John was staying (and had naturally solved every problem that they had, had had, and ever would have), a plothole appeared above a forest. Tyler promptly fell out of it.






Tyler got up, brushed off the detritus that had accumulated on him (leaves, twigs, dirt, and a startled squirrel), and looked around. No sign of the Stu. Fortunately, there was a random person standing near him, who seemed, as most people in these types of games are, absolutely oblivious to their surroundings. Tyler walked up to it (the person was rather pixilated, and Tyler couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman).

"Hello, have you seen anyone who, despite being a not-especially well-drawn collection of pixels, is still obviously incredibly masculine and handsome, as well as most likely being an amazingly good fighter and having a good singing voice?"

"Why yes, I have. He's right by the Convenient Coliseum, beating the everloving crap out of everyone else who's practicing for the Convenient Tournament that starts in half an hour."


"Also, can you help me deliver this random parcel? I'll give you some worthless reward if you do."

"Well, I don't know…."

"Excellent! Thanks so much!"



A while later, in the small forestside town of Lampshade….

Tyler was sitting in a seat at the Convenient Coliseum, waiting for the tournament to start. "I still don't get why I would encounter a freaking dragon trying to get a box of chocolate to some guy's girlfriend…Sidequests make no sense."


The audience, which was made up of several hundred faceless people (and Tyler), all cheered (except Tyler, who yawned).


A long while later, in the finals of the tournament…..


Nameless Competitor #394 was a humanoid figure with absolutely no features. His skin and clothes were the exact same shade of gray. John, on the other hand, was wearing unbelievably good-looking clothes, and was unbelievably good-looking himself. Everyone in the audience (still, except Tyler, who was now asleep) immediately felt either lust or jealousy.


Immediately, John drew two scimitars, rushed forward, and slashed 394 hundreds of times. Next, both swords vanished and were replaced by a wizard's staff.

"Firaga!" Tyler suddenly woke up, sniffing the air. He was sure he had smelled magic….or maybe popcorn.

Anyway, down on the battlefield, the tip of John's staff ignited, as did 394. The Nameless Competitor was sent flying upwards.

"Blizzaga!" The fire went out, and was replaced by a layer of frost. A large block of ice formed above 394, then shattered, spearing the Nameless Competitor to the ground on shards of ice.

John smiled evilly. "Thundaga!"

The layer of frost evaporated, and lightning crackled along the staff. Then a bolt of lightning descended from the sky and impaled 394. The Nameless Competitor promptly dissolved into neat, guilt-free mist.


On the battlefield, John snickered. "Screw the rules, I'm a Stu."

Up in the stands, Tyler was preparing his plan. "And while the worms scare off the yeti, I'll use the tennis racket to knock down the pirate hat… oh wait, that's Hapland. Muffins. Ah, screw it. Who needs a plan?"


As John exited the coliseum….


"GAH!" John leapt aside as a massive gargoyle slammed down where he had been standing. Tyler landed several seconds afterwards.

"What the hell are you doing? You could have killed me!"

"No I couldn't have. I alerted you to the attack's presence; and your reflexes should be enough to dodge. That was just a warning shot."

John blinked. "You dropped a half-ton stone gargoyle on my head….as a warning shot?"


"Who are you?"

"I'm a Society Agent! You know the drill, come quietly; you'll be fine, run; I'll catch you, fight; you'll lose. Any questions?"

"No… Firaga!" A blast of fire shot from John's staff towards Tyler's face. With reflexes born of over a year spent running away from various irate Agents, Sues/Stus, and PCMSPS Agents, Tyler leapt to the side, and the fireball exploded harmlessly on the ground.

John quickly exchanged staff for swords. Tyler responded by hurling two explosives at the Stu. John somehow defused them with his swords before lunging at Tyler.

The battle continued, as Tyler began heading towards the nearby forest of Lampshades. John followed, a plan already forming in his mind.

John slashed at Tyler, missed, and grunted as the Agent vanished into the forest.


Immediately the forest was burning. Fortunately, because it was a forest of Lampshades, the fire quickly went out, leaving the trees (and their temporary inhabitant, Tyler) completely unscathed.

John's jaw dropped. "Wha -that makes no sense! You should be dead right now!"

Tyler stuck his head out of a tree. "And you should have played this game more before invading it. Don't you know that you can't set things on fire?"


"I know. Awesome, isn't it?"

"Not really…"

"Look on the bright side. You want to kill me, I want to live (and possibly Prohibit you and lock you in the Library basement, but that's secondary). At least one of us is happy." Tyler dropped to the ground, sending two bursts of energy at John.

"Are you like this with every Sue and Stu you try to capture?" John blocked the blasts with his sword before swiping at Tyler

"No, usually more so. I'm just a little off my game today." Tyler backpedaled back into the forest.

"ARGH!" John leapt for Tyler, who shot up a tree. The Stu followed, and Tyler leapt to another tree.

"Get back here!"

"Not on your life, John!"

"That's not my name! My name is-,"

"Nobody cares!"

"Die!" John dashed across a branch towards Tyler, who ran for it. For a while the chase continued, and then…

Tyler jumped up, drawing his ping-pong paddle and changing it to a staff, bounced off a tree trunk, and shot towards John. The startled Stu brought up his swords to defend himself, but Tyler slid over them and spun, kicking John's legs out from beneath him. Unfortunately for Tyler, he hadn't counted on Stuish reflexes. John flipped over him, slicing off a branch as he went. As Tyler stood, the branch dropped, hitting him on the head. Tyler stumbled back, and John took the opportunity to slash at his head. Tyler blocked, but the force of the blow caused the branch he was standing on to snap, and the Agent dropped to the ground.

"Gotcha now!" John rocketed down, but Tyler threw up an energy shield and the attack bounced off. With another strike, the shield shattered, and Tyler stepped back. John slashed over and over again, slowly but surely driving the Agent back. Tyler blocked strike after strike, but he was getting tired.

"It's over!" Suddenly, John's swords exploded into flame, and he swung both down on Tyler's head. The Agent blocked… and the swords bit deep into the metal of the staff. Tyler shoved the blades away quickly, but it was too late. The staff snapped into two pieces. John grinned. "Now what?"

Tyler just blinked. "You broke my staff…"

"Damn right I did; now just lie down and die!" John slashed at Tyler again, ready to end the fight.

As such, he was rather surprised when a shield of blue energy stopped his sword cold. "What?"

"You… broke… my… STAFF!" Tyler swung the remains of his staff, both of which now sported red-hot tips from being sliced by a flaming sword. John let out a cry of surprise and stepped back, but Tyler just spun the halves in his hand and drove them forward. "Prepare to… wha?"

With the distinctive sound of a portal opening, a small Yarhi appeared in Tyler's path, taking the blow for John before exploding into particles of light. Tyler dropped the makeshift weapons in astonishment.

"You can't summon Yarhi without a summoning gate!"

John smiled evilly. "I can." A portal opened above him, and a wyvern flew out, spraying fire at Tyler, who blocked it with a shield before decapitating the Yarhi with a hastily generated blade of energy.

"Another crime for your list. Breaking the rules of the fandom. Tsk tsk."

"Shut up! I'm a Stu, I can do what I want!"

"No you can't! It's against the rules!"

"I said it once, and I'll say it again… SCREW THE RULES, I'M A STU!"

Crickets chirped.

"Actually, you only said that once."

"Whatever!" His moment ruined, John hastened to make up for it with a flurry of summons. With a flash or two of light, a massive yellow snake and a blue dragon with an oversized collar around its neck flashed into existence. "Leviathan, Tiamat, blast him!"

Tiamat, the dragon, spat a series of lightning bolts at Tyler, frying the ground under them. Leviathan immediately followed up with a powerful stream of water. The attacks merged, and as the water bounced off a tree, the electricity followed. Tyler ducked, and the blast whirled over his head. "Not good enough, John!"

"THAN HOW ABOUT THIS!" Another two flashes, and a massive demon and a large stone statue had appeared. "Ifrit, Titan, help your fellows!"

Ifrit, the demon, let out a roar and sent a barrage of fire at Tyler, who rolled away. Titan followed up by pounding the ground, sending earth spiking up in all directions. Tyler jumped over it, pummeling the Titan with a series of energy blasts… to absolutely no effect.

"Oh muffins…"

Titan grabbed Tyler by the throat, lifted him up effortlessly, and casually hurled him through three trees. The Agent landed in a clearing, tiny dragons fluttering around his head. "Ow…"

Then the trees to the side of the one he had entered the clearing through were burned away, and Ifrit entered, flanked by Leviathan, Titan, and Tiamat, then followed by John. "It's over now."

"What… what do you mean?"

"I just worked out how to make a cutscene, meaning I can do whatever the hell I want."

Tyler paled.

"Right. Die." Leviathan, Ifrit, and Tiamat all fired their attacks at once… creating a wall of electrified steam that completely failed to harm Tyler in the least.

"Well… that was completely pointless. If you're going to disregard the rules of the fandom, at least do it effectively."

"DIE!" Tiamat fired a bolt of lightning at Tyler.

"Your vocabulary's very limited; do you know that? Get some new threats already," Tyler shot back, dodging away.


"I just did. Or didn't you notice?"


In a huge flash of light, a tall, seraphic Yarhi appeared. Tyler blinked.

"Hm… maybe I can get my staff back with that…"

"Eschaton!" The air in front of UItima began to glow.

"Or not…"

And then everything went white. When Tyler's sight returned, he was about 100 feet back from where the attack had hit him. He stared at the army of Yarhi in front of him.

"Well… It's been a nice life, but I guess… this is it…"

And then he noticed his staff, lying right next to him. Somehow, he had landed right next to it.

Tyler frowned. "Huh. That was… well, aside from the whole, 'getting blasted by an attack with enough power to level the Empire State Building,' that was surprisingly convenient."

As John stood over Tyler, proclaiming his victory, one of Tyler's feet shot up, hitting John directly between the legs. The Stu let out a wail of pain, doubling over, and Tyler's other foot snapped up, catching him in the face and hurling him backwards. As the Stu regained his balance, he turned to Ultima. "Don't just stand there, heal me!"

As Ultima released a healing beam, Tyler made his move, picking up the pieces of his staff and hurling them through the healing beam before dashing through it himself. As the staff, contrary to all logic, reformed, and Tyler's various injuries healed, he landed, catching the staff, before rolling up and hurling a dozen explosives at Ultima. The angelic Yarhi was enveloped by the blast, and when the smoke cleared, it had vanished.

Tyler looked around at John and his Yarhi, noting with only slight annoyance that John had been healed as well. A grin spread over his face.

"Okay then. Who's up for round two?"

All the Yarhi let out growls, screeches, and roars, while John ignited his flaming sword. Tyler paled. "These kinds of things always sound so much better in your head…"


Leviathan let out a blast of water, Titan sent a massive spike of rock towards him, Tiamat fired a bolt of electricity, and Ifrit launched a wall of Hellfire. And Tyler? He pulled out the Scene Transition and activated it.


Tyler came back to reality, several trees piled randomly around him, all the Yarhi gone, and John lying semiconscious twenty feet away. Apparently a Space Whale had landed in the clearing where the battle was taking place, before spontaneously combusting.

"Huh… I think I may have just gotten the strangest result out of a Scene Transition ever."

John groaned, getting to his feet. "That's it… you've humiliated me for the last time…"

"Actually, that was the Space Whale."

"Shut up! I summon… BAHAMUT!"

Tyler paled. "That... is very, very bad."

The ground exploded, and something shot up into the sky, breaking the sound barrier with a tremendous bang. At 1000 feet off the ground, it stopped, revealing itself to be a draconic human, wielding a massive spear.

Tyler gulped. "Um… I don't suppose you'd believe me if I told you there was a random passerby in need of help behind you?"

"WHAT? A passerby in need of help? Hold still, I'll reduce you to your component atoms in a minute. Bahamut, follow me!" John charged off into the forest, the somewhat confused Bahamut following.

Tyler's jaw dropped.



"YOU LIED TO ME!" John smashed a tree aside, as Bahamut dove down, unleashing a Mega Flare that missed Tyler by inches.

"Yeah… considering the quality of that particular lie, I think you're more to blame here."

"SHUT UP! BAHAMUT, KILL HIM!" The dragon-man dove again, smashing his spear into the ground next to Tyler. The Agent grinned, leaping up to stab the Yarhi in the head… and Bahamut's tail slammed into him, smacking him into a tree a hundred feet away.

Tyler groaned. "Really not my day…" He slid to the ground. John charged towards him, raising a sword to end the battle. Tyler shrugged.

"Well, if you haven't learned your lesson…"

Immediately realizing what Tyler meant, John skidded to a stop, and simply pointed at Tyler. Bahamut raised its spear, thrusting at Tyler, who rolled to one side. "Too slow!"

Tyler dashed up the spear, dodged a claw, and leapt into the air, aiming at the dragon Yarhi's head. Bahamut let out a snort of amusement and opened its mouth wide to receive Tyler… and the Agent tossed a handful of explosives into the beast's mouth, boosted his flight with a burst of magic, and slid down Bahamut's back as its head exploded, shortly followed by the rest of it.

"Are you going to give up yet, or do I have to knock you out?" Tyler asked.

"I will never give up!" John launched a series of fireballs at Tyler, all of which were easily dodged.

"Why won't you die?"

"Self-preservation. Basic instinct. Any other questions?"

"Shut up!" John slashed at Tyler, who jumped to one side, leaving John to plant his sword in a tree.

"Seriously though, you need to work on that vocabulary. You're worse than Faya."


"Old Sue. Very limited vocabulary."

"…Are you suggesting I'm not the most original character ever to walk the face of this earth?"

"Um… yes."

John turned red. "WHAT?"

"See what I mean about that vocabulary? Oh, and while I'm correcting your speech patterns, would it kill you to lower your voice?"

"What if it does?"

"Then I will be spared the inconvenience of capturing you."


"See, I knew you could do it."

"SHUT UP!" John's swords erupted into flames, and Tyler leapt back to avoid them. The Stu pressed the attack, slashing over and over again, while Tyler simply dodged each strike. After several minutes, John broke off the assault, recovering energy in the center of a clearing. Tyler stood at the edge of the clearing, ready to bolt.

"But seriously John, buy a thesaurus."

"Um… my name isn't John."

"Yeah, well I can't remember your name, so deal with it."

"Why can't you remember my name? It's only fifty-seven words long!"

Tyler raised an eyebrow.

John cleared his throat. "My name; Kiruriyop Serponius Loeertograt Speriacle Matliogalsem Halpsation-,"

"Okay, okay, you've made your point. From now on, I will call you Kirpy."

The newly-named Kirpy sighed. "Why couldn't they have sent Michael or something? I'd rather be disemboweled than have to listen to you."

"Well, Kirpy, you're only a level 6 Stu, and thus, you're far too insignificant for Michael, one of the leaders, to deal with personally."

"…" Kirpy let out a low growl. Tyler raised an eyebrow.

"You… you called me insignificant…"

"In the grand scheme of things, you sort of are. And your name sucks."

"You dare…"


"NOBODY CALLS ME INSIGNIFICANT!" Kirpy charged forward with incredible speed, an aura of flames bursting to life around him. Tyler only barely dodged, and the force of the attack reduced a tree to ashes.

"Huh. When did you become competent?" "That explains why I took all the Yarhi down so easily… he was making them look bad compared to him, so his powers would look more awesome."

"I AM A STU!" Kirpy roared, sending a wall of flames at Tyler, who blocked with an energy shield. "THIS WORLD IS MINE NOW! I DECIDE WHO THE CHARACTERS FALL IN LOVE WITH! I DECIDE WHO LIVES AND WHO DIES!"

The aura of flames faded, and Kirpy relaxed slightly, although palpable waves of anger were still rippling off him. "And you? You are going to die."


"Wow. That Stu just had a total Inigo Montoya moment… except instead of surviving a dagger to the liver, he turned into his own personal supernova," Ben mumbled, watching the scene on a monitor.

"You're really pushing it, you know that?" Shirley growled.

"What can I say? I live on the edge… of your claws, that is."

"THAT'S IT!" Shirley leapt, claws out, but Ben had already taken off by the time he had finished his comment.


Meanwhile, Tyler was not having the time of his life.

Actually, if Kirpy didn't wear out soon, it was going to be the time of his death.

"You know, you've only been using fire attacks. Not very imaginative of you."

Kirpy slashed at Tyler, who backpedaled to dodge. "Talk talk talk, that's all you do! But take a look! Who do you think is winning?"

Tyler jumped into a tree, than jumped to another tree to avoid a fireball. "Problem is, he's right… if this were Duel Monsters, I'd get a miracle draw right now and win… but he's the Stu. He's the one that gets the miracles." He leapt to the ground as a slash from Kirpy reduced the tree to cinders. "Hey! That was lightning!"

"Didn't you say you wanted something more imaginative?" Kirpy shot a bolt of lightning at Tyler, who dodged.

"Hm… that gives me an idea…" "Hey Kirpy, can't catch me!" He dashed off.

Kirpy blinked. "Of course I can, idiot, I'm a Stu." He followed.


Somewhere else…

"Okay… the lake should be… there!" Tyler made a sharp right turn, and sprinted out towards a large lake. Kirpy followed, firing lightning bolts. As Tyler approached the lake, the energy began to drain out of him. He put on one final burst of speed, leapt forwards, forming a raft out of energy…

And formed a blast of wind that launched ten gallons of highly conductive water at Kirpy, just as the Stu began to prepare another lightning bolt. Panicked, the Stu tried to call off the blast, but his hand was already in motion. Even as the lightning left his hand, the water reached it, soaking him head to toe.

"!" Kirpy screamed in agony as he was electrocuted. Fortunately, as dictated by the rules of the fandom, he was only knocked unconscious, not killed. As for Tyler, the Agent was too exhausted to do anything but collapse onto the energy raft, paddling lethargically back to the shore. He crawled up onto the edge of the lake, fishing a Prohibitor out of his pocket, and prepared to clamp it on Kirpy.

"BACK!" The Stu unleashed a huge firestorm, hurling Tyler away. The Agent was too tired to react to the blow beyond a muttered, "Ow," as he landed on his back. Kirpy stalked forward, the aura of flames swirling around him. "You thought a mere electrocution would stop me?"

"I had hopes, yes," Tyler groaned.

"Well you were WRONG!" Kirpy raised a hand, and a fireball began to grow.

Tyler's eyes widened. "Assessment time. I've used up the Scene Transition, I don't have the energy to stop a fireball of that size… Oh well… I had to use it again someday." Tyler grabbed his ping-pong paddle, tapped a button, and hurled it at Kirpy, who dispelled his fireball to catch it.

"Um… I don't mean to crush your last hope of survival, but this is a Rubik's Cube," Kirpy pointed out. Tyler responded to this by slipping into the lake, propelling himself away with a burst of wind.

"Did you have a bad day-,"



The force of the resulting explosion sent Kirpy flying at least 100 feet into the air. Needless to say, the results of his hitting the ground were quite painful.

Tyler pulled himself out of the lake, poking Kirpy's now totally prone body, checked it for a pulse, which it had, clamped a Prohibitor on the Stu's arm, opened a Plothole, and dragged Kirpy (and himself) into the Library. "Wow… it's been a while since I last caught a Stu…"


Two days later…

Tyler woke up to the sound of Adrian yelling at him from the next floor.

"Tyler Kahn, get down here right now!"

Tyler hopped out of bed. "If he didn't want his food stolen, he should have hidden it under his bed. Even I don't want to know what might be hiding there…"

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