Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Insert Odd-Looking Alien Here

Tyler was sitting between two shelves of the Library reading from a large stack of books when Ben walked in, Shirley trailing a foot behind. Tyler looked up long enough to say hello, then returned to his reading.

"What are you doing…?" Ben started.

"CLICHÉ!" screamed Shirley, whacking Ben over the head with a large mallet that she seemed to have produced out of nowhere. Tyler looked up again.

"Where did you get a mallet?" he asked.

"That's also a cliché, but I'm Ben's muse, so I can't beat you over the head." Tyler quickly stood up with his stack of books and left for another row.

"That's a third cliché!" Shirley called after him, but Tyler wasn't paying attention. He went to the next row over and sat back down, continuing to read his books. After a while, he stood up and decided to try practicing what he was reading about. He closed his eyes, and suddenly blurred, reforming at the other end of the row. He looked around him, picked a book off the shelf, and blurred back to his stack of books.

"Hmmmm, that went decently… I figured out how to control what direction I go, but I still need to figure out how to use that particular magic with my eyes closed…"

"WHO'S THERE!" called out a loud voice.

"I-I w-warn you, we're a-a-armed-d-d."

"It's me!"


"It's-a me, Mario!" called back Tyler in his best Italian accent.

"V-very f-funny."



"It's me, Tyler."

"OH." The two Marcuses came around the corner.

"Wh-what's with a-all th-the b-b-books?"

"I'm trying to adapt magic from different fandoms to the kind that I use."


"Like that guy from Advent's Children, the one who moves really fast… what's his name… Loz!


"I don't know, I haven't seen the whole movie yet. But he moves really fast, and I'm working on a spell to duplicate that. It's almost done. Watch." Tyler stood up, closed his eyes, and blurred away.


"Thanks," replied Tyler, giving a fake bow. Then his communicator beeped. Tyler pulled it out and stared at it as if it was going to explode in his face. It didn't. Tash's face appeared on the screen.

"Tyler, remember Faya?"


"She's in the Ben 10…" Tyler didn't even let Tash finish her sentence.

"Onmyway!" Tyler opened a Plothole and blurred through it.


Faya, whose real name is too long to remember, gazed out over the ocean, with Ben Tennyson, hero of earth, at her side, and the Omnitrix, a wristwatch-like device that enabled the wearer to change into myriad different species of alien at her wrist. Her overly long sky-red (I know the sky isn't red but I need some weird adjective so Faya's hair won't be (gasp) plain red) hair fluttered in the nonexistent breeze, and yet somehow did not get lice. Ben gazed at her beautiful face, not even noticing his slightly less beautiful surroundings. The story behind all this? Flashback time!

Ben, his cousin Gwen, her boyfriend Kevin, and Ben's girlfriend Julie, were fighting an invasion of giant aliens that resembled mushrooms, and losing. They were just about to be overwhelmed when Faya flew to the rescue. It was quickly revealed that, like Gwen, she was half Anodite, a species of energy-manipulating aliens, although her powers were obviously more developed. Except for one thing. Faya wasn't half Anodite.

She was all Mary-Sue.

Anyway, back to this excuse for a plot. Faya raced in, singlehandedly defeated the entire mushroom army, and managed to look great in the process. However, Julie was somehow sent to the Null Void, an intergalactic prison dimension, but Faya comforted Ben at the speed of romance, and became his new girlfriend. He even gave her the Omnitrix, which she immediately unlocked, allowing herself to transform into millions of different aliens. Isn't that great? Then Tyler stepped in.

The first thing Tyler noticed was that the sun was unusually bright for twilight. Then he saw why. Faya and Ben were standing on the pier together, watching it.

"Figures," thought Tyler. "Nature has always been happy to bend to a Mary-Sue's will." He took a few steps forward, then called out. "Faya, by order of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, yada yada yada, you're under arrest!" Ben and Faya turned around. Ben spoke first.

"No! I won't let you take her away." Ben ran at Tyler and tried to punch him. Operative word, tried. Tyler blurred backward and Ben fell on his face, knocking himself out cold. Tyler raised an eyebrow.

"You know Faya," he said conversationally, "You probably shouldn't have taken his Omnitrix. He isn't much of a fighter." Faya screamed in anger and slammed her hand down onto the Omnitrix. A flash of pink light enveloped her. Tyler gasped.

"The Omnitrix is supposed to be green! HOW DARE YOU MEDDLE WITH IT!" Tyler charged forward in blind fury and began pounding on the light as it formed into a 100 foot-tall alien that somewhat resembled Elemental Hero Neos. "Way Big!" Faya roared triumphantly. Tyler continued pounding on it. He drew his staff, which glowed with magic, then slammed it down on Faya's foot. Faya roared with pain and jumped 20 feet into the air. When she landed, a shockwave blasted Tyler off his feet. He rolled backwards and came back up, running towards Faya at full speed. Faya chuckled and kicked lightly at Tyler. Tyler leapt up onto her foot, then blurred up to her face and smacked her right between the eyes with his staff. Faya growled in pain and exhaled at Tyler, sending him flying again. Tyler didn't even wait until he touched the ground before blurring towards Faya. However, this time, instead of ending up in front of her, he slammed into her face and fell back, dropping towards the ground. Tyler drove his staff into Faya's knee, then propelled himself up with an explosion, sending him back to Faya's face. Faya blew at him, sending him careening back into a small warehouse near the pier. Tyler hopped out of the wreckage, undeterred.


"What is this, your favorite fandom?"

"No, but the Omnitrix is cool."

"It's even cooler when it's pink!"

"NO IT IS NOT YOU DEPRAVED WHACKO!" screamed Tyler, charging at Faya. Faya waited until Tyler was five feet away, then stomped hard, blasting Tyler off his feet. Tyler simply got to his feet and continued running forward, viciously pounding on Faya's foot, although it admittedly had very little effect. Faya sweatdropped.

Meanwhile, back at the Library….

"Tyler seems to have gone insane," remarked Drake. He was watching the mission on a TV screen for lack of anything else to do.

"I guess he's a little touchy about fandoms he likes," replied Marcus, also watching the mission.

Meanwhile, back in the fandom…

Tyler was still pounding on Faya's foot. After five minutes, Tyler finally gave up.


"Just to prove that I'm infinitely superior to you, I will!" Faya disappeared in a flash of pink light, and Tyler shrieked and went into a fetal position. When he uncurled, Faya had changed into a smaller alien. It was still roughly the size of an adult elephant, but it was still smaller than Way Big. It looked like a bright pink hedgehog standing on his hind feet. Its nose was wide and flat, resembling a spade. It let out a roar, daring Tyler to attack. He did.

"FIX THE OMNITRIX NOW YOU FREAK OF NATURE!" Tyler jabbed Faya in the gut with his staff, then bashed her over the head. Faya registered no reaction. Tyler stepped back.

"PERISH IN FLAMES YOU PINK FIEND!" Tyler swung his staff, sending a wave of green light at Faya. Faya didn't even move. A hail of quills intercepted Tyler's blast. He charged forward. Another volley of quills rained down on him, but he parried them with a twirl of his staff and moved on. Faya reached behind her and snapped off two quills, blocking Tyler's onslaught and sending him skidding away. Tyler slammed his staff down and sent a shockwave of magic at Faya, who sent it back using her quills. Tyler flipped over it and charged. Faya swung her quill, but Tyler jumped onto it, using it as a spring and bouncing over Faya's head. Faya tried to follow him but fell over backwards, Tyler rolling away just in time to avoid being crushed. Tyler smiled, but his smile quickly faded as Faya curled into a ball and rolled after him. Tyler leapt over another warehouse, but Faya just plowed through it. Tyler almost landed on her, but propelled himself away just in time. He landed neatly and waited. Faya swung around on a dime and fired a round of quills. Tyler parried them away, but one was late in coming. It hit Tyler's staff and yanked it away. Tyler stared at his hand. Faya uncurled, laughing.

"Looks like you're unarmed. Now what?"

"How about this?" Tyler linked his fingers. "Royal Flush!" He spread his arms, and five card-like energy blades shot from his hands. Faya bellowed in pain as the blades hit her. Tyler blurred to his staff and picked it up, brandishing it at Faya. He then blurred back in front of her and kneed her in the face... then immediately regretted it. He landed hard and stood unsteadily, holding his right knee.

"You (censored), that hurt!"

"What did you expect? I have a shovel for a nose! And since when do you swear?"

Tyler responded with an extremely rude hand gesture. Faya snarled and lunged at Tyler, who had been slowly recovering from the blow to the knee. Tyler didn't move aside fast enough to avoid the attack, and tumbled to the edge of the pier (not so scary considering the water was five feet below, but whatever). Tyler rose to his feet, now fully recovered and seething. He pointed his staff and fired a ray of purple light, which Faya stopped with a rain of quills.

"Hmmm," muttered Tyler, twirling his staff, "you've improved."

"And you haven't," replied Faya sweetly. Tyler screamed with rage and rushed Faya.


Drake and Marcus were still watching the mission.

"Wow, Tyler's acting a little strangely. Usually he's the one driving the enemy insane." Drake commented

"He was right. Faya has improved, and she figured out how to tick him off." Marcus explained. Then Adrian entered the room.

"I heard screaming, so I came over. What's going on?" asked the Librarian.

"It's Tyler," replied Drake, not even looking away. Adrian's eyes widened slightly.

"Wow. I didn't even know he knew half those words."


Meanwhile, Tyler had given up on what remained of his ability to form cohesive statements and thoughts, and was simply battering Faya ferociously with his staff while screaming a string of colorful language. Tyler swung his staff, which was glowing from all the excess energy Tyler was radiating, and smashed it into Faya so hard that her body exploded in a spray of pink light, knocking Tyler back. When the light cleared, Faya was standing there in her human form. Tyler was still under the remnants of his battle rage, or, more precisely, his you-ruined-this-fandom-so-prepare-to-die rage. After several seconds, he calmed down due to the lack of pink. He swirled his staff.

"So, it looks like my attacks didn't do that much, did they?"

"No. Guess you aren't very strong."

"Actually, I think it's because blows to the head aren't very effective against you. You must have a thick skull."

"Why you…" A whip of energy appeared in Faya's hand, lashing out at Tyler. Tyler blurred backwards, avoiding the strike. His face registered surprise. "What did you expect? You walked right into that insult." He smiled as Faya roared.

"Ah, this is how I like it. I'm back in control." Tyler fired a fizz of sparks, needling Faya. The Sue went purple. Literally.

"YOU WILL NEVER CONTROL ME!" Faya stormed, charging at Tyler, purple light trailing from her hands. Tyler jumped to one side.

"Ooohhh, touchy. I like it." Tyler snapped his fingers decisively. "We could make a show 'When Sues Attack.' We'd make millions! Interested?"

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" A huge blast of purple energy shot at Tyler, and when he jumped to one side, the blast followed, slamming into him and blasting him off the end of the pier, into the water. Tyler blasted a hole through the pier, and Faya fell through. Tyler smirked as Faya flailed.

"Awwwww. Is big bad Sue afwaid of da wadah?" Faya growled and tried to charge, but found her way blocked by a heavy current.

"Seriously though, you're a Sue and you don't know how to swim?" Tyler asked incredulously. Faya's eye twitched.

"I… don't… have… to… SWIM!" Purple light exploded around Faya, carrying her into the air. Tyler, on the other hand, dropped underwater, found a good size rock, then bobbed back to the surface, swimming to the shore as Faya continued her temper tantrum. Tyler tossed the rock at Faya's head, only to have it shatter, bounce off, and fly back at him. Tyler knocked the rocks into blocks filled with lox-filled socks that carried pox. Faya, now glowing with purple light, hovered down in front of Tyler.

"So, any last words, Society Agent?"

"Yeah. You give off to much light."

"Says the person wearing a tie-dye shirt."

"I don't give off light."

"True, but since I'm a Sue, let's just say I won this argument."

"Let's not, and say we did."

"Give up! Why bother arguing with a Sue?"

"It annoys you, which is all the motivation I need."

Faya pounced at Tyler, who blurred away, then blurred back to Faya and landed a quick strike with his staff. Faya stumbled back, but quickly righted herself.

"Pathetic. I didn't even need my up-til-now-hidden ability to numb all pain."

"Numb this," Tyler whispered, detonating the small magical explosive he had planted on Faya with his staff.

By now, Ben and Shirley had joined Drake, Marcus, and Adrian. At "Numb this," Shirley gave a small, involuntary shudder.

Tyler had decided that he was hungry, and so, while Faya was recovering, he had gone over to the local fast food restaurant and ordered two large fries, an apple juice, and a Coke. He went back over to Faya, left the Coke and one box of fries by her, then went to the edge of the pier to eat. When Faya woke up, she noticed the food and happily began to eat. Tyler, noticing this, called over to her.

"By the way, no hard feelings, but I placed a few reasonably powerful magical explosives on your food."
Faya's eyes widened.



Faya went flying high into the air, creating an impressive display of fireworks. When she came down, several veins were pulsing in her head, and her green-green eyes were radiating a death glare of the highest level. Even Tyler backed away slightly. Faya gave a screech, then ran at Tyler, completely berserk "You ruined my perfect hairdo!" Faya punched Tyler in the face, sending him flying onto the roof of the restaurant. Tyler leapt down… and was pinned to the ground by a recovered Ben.

"Don't hurt Faya!"

Tyler slipped his staff between him and Ben, levering the former hero over his head and onto the ground, where he lay still. Tyler stood up and brushed himself off.

"Wow, Archimedes was right. You can lift anything if you have the right lever."

Faya was now even angrier, if possible.

"You hurt my boyfriend! Prepare to die!" Faya charged at Tyler, who stepped aside, letting Faya charge past him.

"A Sue falling in love with a canon character? Don't make me laugh," replied Tyler, already submitting to a severe case of the giggles. Faya twitched.

"Okay, maybe I didn't love him, but I liked him a lot! …Okay, a little! ...Okay, I couldn't stand him, but you can't just throw him over your head like that!"

"It was self-defense!"

"So what? You can't hurt the main character! Besides, he's cute!"

"So, you admit you have feelings for him."

"Yes! I mean no—I mean y-NO!"

"I am sorry," buzzed Tyler in a robotic voice. "Answer is not valid. Please try again."

"I have no feelings for…"

"I am sorry. Answer is not '…'"

"SHUT UP!" Faya fired a bolt of energy at Tyler, who blocked with his staff, then fired a bolt of his own. It hit Faya and knocked her off the pier. Her red-green eyes flashed and she burst out of the water, firing a hail of energy bursts at Tyler. Tyler rolled away, but several blasts connected, pushing Tyler into the ground.

Tyler stood up dizzily… just in time to be hit with another blast, size XXX large. Tyler was hurled back into a third warehouse (convenient aren't they). When he stood up, he seemed a little shaken.

"I swear officer... the piano was in the back… it was his fault…" Faya laughed and went in for the kill. Tyler didn't recover in time, and she blasted him back into the wreckage of the third warehouse. When Tyler stood up this time, he was even more shaken.

"Isn't punching me considered police brutality… I could probably sue you for that…" Faya grabbed Tyler in a energy lasso, and hurled him into the air. He came down and went through the roof of a fourth warehouse. This time, he didn't stand up, only mumbled from inside the warehouse.

"Stupid elevator… hit me from behind." Tyler hopped to his feet. "But since when are pink elephants allowed in elevators?" Tyler blinked and shook his head. "Now, what was I doing? Oh right, I was in the middle of beating Faya… she's improved… maybe I should use my last weapon? No, too dangerous."

Tyler walked to the wall and attempted to open it before he realized he was on the wrong side of the warehouse. He opened the real door and climbed out of it… wait, that doesn't sound right. What? Oh. Okay, it turns out that Tyler accidentally went out the window. Guess he was still a bit muddled. Anyway, he fell out of the window and landed on the ground. He got up, and for the first time in five minutes, he had a completely clear head. He looked around, and noticed that Faya had transformed into an oversized bat. It flew at Tyler, who rolled around the attack and batted it in the side of the head. Faya spun into the still-standing fourth warehouse, although when she slammed into it, it quickly lost that distinction. Tyler held his staff in a defensive position.

"Well Faya, it's been fun, but this fight's over now." Tyler pressed a button on his staff, and it transformed into a small object resembling a Rubik's Cube. He pressed another button on the cube and it started to glow. With a wicked grin, Tyler hurled the cube at Faya. The Sue frowned.

"How do you expect to beat me with a puzzle cube?" she asked with contempt. Then she heard a faint voice.

"Did you have a bad day-?" Faya paused.

"What the…"

Tyler smirked.



Tyler smiled happily. Then his jaw dropped as Faya, still in the form of a giant bat, stepped out of the smoke. She had Tyler's stun bomb in her hand.

"You can have this back," she sneered, tossing the still-smoking bomb back to Tyler. "Did you actually think that a stun bomb would hurt me? I just used the powers of this alien to make a wall of sound that blocked your attack. Now," she said, raising a claw. "You die." Faya flew at Tyler, claws outstretched. Tyler pulled out a small stopwatch, pressed the button, and disappeared.

When Tyler woke up, he was still lying on the pier. Obviously nobody had bothered with him. He sat up and looked around him to see if Faya was in the area, but saw nothing. Tyler sighed, opened a Plothole, and went back to the Library.


Now for the ending….

Julie came back from the Null Void and everything was happy again.

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