Friday, August 12, 2011

Insert Sharp-Eyed Gunslingers Here

Tash and Adrian were taking a walk in the corridors in the library and they enjoyed every single bit of it. It was a very peaceful and quiet day; no Ben running away from Shirley, no Drake and Tyler stealing cookies and setting off booby traps, no Aster breaking the Fourth Wall…


The only thing they saw was Doug flying through one of the doors in the corridor and embedding himself, upside down, into the wall opposite the door. The pictures on the wall around him tilted out of balance. They both looked at each other and rushed to the Agent. His face was black; his hair stood straight up at its ends and his white lab coat was printed with a large 'C' sign. Tash and Adrian had to tilt their head upside down just to talk to him.

"So THAT'S what happens when you try to melt Copyright stickers!" commented Doug, trying to wiggle out from the wall.

"What are you doing?" asked Adrian, his cat ears twitching from the sound level of the explosion.

"Oh, I was trying to condense the Copyright stickers so they could be launched like paintballs. Theoretically, it should work better than the Copyright darts," replied Doug, managing to pull out his right arm. Bits and pieces of the wall dropped to the floor. Then the Library alarm went off.

"A Sue's been found. Gotta go!" said Adrian and Tash in unison, running in the opposite direction, leaving Doug alone in the wall.

"Hey! Aren't you gonna help me first?" exclaimed Doug as he continued wiggling himself out of the wall.


"Maya Dory Juliano Taggert Mariana Lepwinsky Marilyn the 6th has been found the Black Lagoon fandom," said Valerie, her fingers running across the keyboard. The computer pulled out images of Maya wielding her custom-made pistols that were gold in colour.

"My, she loves keeping into Black List fandoms, doesn't she?" commented Adrian, rubbing his temples for the headache he was about to experience from Doug for blasting through doors to the Black List computers.
"Look, it even says that she has taken control of… Hotel Moscow? What is that?" asked Tash, scratching her head.

"Hotel Moscow is actually a name of the Russian mafia; a majority ruling in Roanapur, a fictional town in Thailand. They do what any crime syndicate would do," replied Valerie, speaking as though she knew it very well.

"Wow, since when do you watch violent anime?" asked Tash, staring at Valerie in disbelief.

"I don't. It's in Doug's thesis on the anime," replied Valerie, holding out a plain brown file with the words 'Black Lagoon' imprinted on it. Tash took the file and read the contents.

"His attitudes must be influenced by this anime," commented Tash.

"No, his attitudes are by Call of Duty, not Black Lagoon," replied Valerie, correcting Tash. Tash turned to talk to Adrian, but he was long gone.

"Why is he always in a hurry nowadays?" asked Tash. Valerie shook her head.


Adrian was running towards the Black List computer room and found Doug in his full Special Forces gear, standing by the side of the door, his thumb on the detonator.

"WAIT!" Doug paused and looked at Adrian run towards him. Adrian stood by the door, panting from all the running he had to do.

"You're not going in there alone. It's too dangerous," said Adrian between pants.

"But if she's there too long then it would be too dangerous even for the Society to enter if they have to," Doug gave an argument to the cat Librarian.

"Then let me come along. It's the only help you can get for Black Lists," replied Adrian putting out a hand. Doug looked at the Librarian's hand, looking as though he's trying to comprehend the gesture. Doug then took the hand, shaking it contently.

"Let's go then," said Adrian as he began typing in the pin code on the door. Doug began walking away.

"Hey, where are you going? Don't we have a Sue to catch?" asked Adrian. Doug turned around and talked.

"You don't EXPECT to go in there like THAT?" replied Doug, looking at Adrian's attire.

"This is what I normally wear. You have a problem?" asked Adrian. This time, Doug face palmed.

"You are attempting to enter a fandom which is possibly worse than Fate/Stay Night; a fandom full of automatic weapons and high-powered explosives without wearing a single piece of armour?" exclaimed Doug. Adrian looked confused.

"…Sorry I lost you after 'worse than Fate/Stay Night'," replied Adrian, his cat ears twitching. Doug slapped his forehead and walked to his lab.

"Come on, let's get something to fit you," said Doug, sighing. Adrian followed him in confusion.


Maya was talking on the telephone in a dark room, surrounded by her Russian bodyguards. After all, she's taken control of the biggest crime syndicate of all of Roanapur. Who could stop her now?


Well, an assassination attempt of course! There are also rival gangs and syndicates that hate the Russian Mafia, and wanted to take out their new boss because she looked too beautiful to be one. The blast destroyed the door and most of the room with the guards, but our dear Sue was still sitting calmly at her desk, her legs crossed as armed men swarmed into the room. Pointing AK-47s at her head, they spoke.

"Any last words, Maya?" said one of the armed men of Thai descent. Maya just smiled.

"Yes, you die," she replied. She pulled her golden custom-made pistols and shot them with relative ease. All sixteen of them. And not one fired back. One should at least shot her. She makes Mexican standoffs boring. A group of Russian bodyguards came in with Uzis and sweeping the room.

"Miss, are you all right?" asked the bodyguard in a gruff Russian accent. Maya yawned.

"Ah, these assassination attempts are getting boring," replied Maya, walking out of the room. The bodyguards looked at the room and began picking up the dead bodies.


Out in the distance, Hotel Moscow stuck out like a sore thumb with its billowing smoke on the top floors. Doug and Adrian were looking at the hotel while munching on a sandwich. Not just any sandwich; the one that Doug made.

"Mmm, this could rival the Oreos I tried hiding. What's this called?" asked Adrian, taking a bite on the sandwich.

"It's called a Milo sandwich. Its bread, condensed milk and Milo powder," replied Doug, taking another mouthful. The sounds of sirens could be heard in the distance. Adrian finished eating his sandwich and glanced at the hotel. He started sweating because of the humid temperatures of Roanapur.

"How did you stand these kinds of humidity in this Kevlar?" asked Adrian, venting out heat. Doug still looked fresh.

"I was from these areas," replied Doug.

"What?" asked Adrian, confirming what he heard.

"What?" asked Doug, making sure what Adrian was asking.

"Never mind. Let's get started," replied Adrian, making the Hoshikuzu appears from his pendant. Doug threw his half-eaten sandwich and pulled out a gun on his back.

"Y'know, that was a waste of a delicious meal," commented Adrian as Doug jumped down from the roof and hopped into a nearby car.


There were Russian guards standing in front of a private elevator when Doug and Adrian walked towards them.

"Restricted access," said one of the Russian guards in a monotone voice. Doug just whipped out the Copyright dart gun and shot the two guards.

"That wasn't necessary. We were close enough to put stickers on them," said Adrian, seeing the guards slumped to the floor.

"But its cooler that way," replied Doug.

"HEY! THAT'S MY LINE! NO STEALING!" yelled Adrian, pointing at Doug. Doug was shocked for a moment, but then regained composure.

"Chill out, mate," replied Doug as they both entered the elevator.


The dark room was finally cleared up and Maya was sitting behind her desk with two bodyguards flanking her. She picked up the telephone receiver, making a call. The call was to the Lagoon Company, the main focus of the anime. But ever since she came along, the anime was mainly focused on her, just like she wanted…


The blast blew up the door and took out the two bodyguards beside her. The Sue went wild.

"Oh, for god's sake! If you can't kill me, then don't bother coming to kill me! This is the third time in three hours…" The Sue stopped when she saw Special Forces dude and cat Librarian in a trench coat entering her office.

"You!" the Sue exclaimed.

"What? You don't miss me?" asked Doug, pointing a shotgun at her head. Maya just pulled out her golden pistols and fired at Doug and the Librarian. They both dodged and hid behind a sofa.

"Maya, don't they ever teach you how to use a gun?" shot Doug. Adrian stared at him.

"What's with the Texan accent?" asked Adrian.

"Nothing. I think it's funny," replied Doug.

"That is the lamest joke I've ever heard," replied Adrian before stepping out.

"Librarian Arts 5: A through Z!" chanted Adrian, and huge stacks of encyclopaedias fell through the ceiling and hit the Sue on the head. Adrian smiled.

"Librarian Arts 3: Burning Knowledge!" chanted Adrian and the encyclopaedias began to burn the Sue buried in it.

"Well, that was easy," commented Adrian, looking at the burning books.

"I wouldn't say that," replied Doug, coming out from behind the sofa and looking at the burning encyclopaedias. Then they heard Maya laughing evilly. Doug turned and saw Maya standing at the doorway.

"Mark my words, cat! I'm not as easy as you think!" growled Maya, twirling her golden pistols. Doug and Adrian looked at each other and Doug fired a slug at her, for which she dodged. They got out to the corridor and found a line of Russian guards aiming guns at them and opened fire. They went back into the room until the gunfire stopped. Adrian quickly stepped out and chanted a spell.

"Librarian Arts 1: Cutting Remark!" An invisible wave of energy went through the corridor and knocked out the guards. They rushed to the window next to the elevator and looked below. Maya was escaping through a limousine. The lift opened and Adrian went in. Doug took a few steps backwards and put on his goggles.
"Come in! What are you waiting for?" exclaimed Adrian, holding the elevator doors open.

"Go on ahead! I'll meet you downstairs!" shouted Doug before running through the windows and jumping off the building.

"Jeez! What's he been watching? Die Hard 4?" commented Adrian as the elevator door closed. The elevator music came on. Adrian sighed.

As for Doug he jumped off the building and he pulled the cord on his parachute. He glided down to the speeding limo and landed on the roof. He quickly fired a few shots at the roof and kicked a hole on it. By then, Maya fired a few shots at Doug and Doug dodged the shots. She quickly climbed on the roof.

"Looks like we have a speeding vehicle and two people fighting on the roof of the vehicle. This is what I call an action movie!" exclaimed Doug as he rushed in to headbutt Maya. Maya dodged, making Doug rush through and almost falling off the vehicle. Maya pointed her golden gun at Doug.

"Any last words, halfling?" Maya pulled the hammer on the gun.

"Yea…..TRAFFIC LIGHT!" exclaimed Doug. Maya turned and saw the traffic light turn red. The car stopped with a jerk and she flew off due to momentum.

"Thank you, Newton!" exclaimed Doug as he held on the hole on the roof, stopping himself from flying off. He got up and saw the Sue with a very bad hair day.

"DIE!" She fired bullets at Doug. He dodged and hid behind the car, keeping the shotgun and pulling out a MP5 submachine gun. He fired shots at her, all missed. He looked and made a remark.

"Just being communist doesn't mean that the bullet dodges you!" said Doug, trying to pull a leg with that 'Soviet Union reversal joke'. A vehicle comes in and picks up Maya. Doug fired a few shots, but the car sped off. Adrian soon arrived in a car.

"What took you so long?" yelled Doug. Adrian got out of the car.

"I was stuck in the elevator with the annoying elevator music so I put these earplugs in. What were you saying?" asked Adrian, removing the earplugs from his cat ears. Doug sighed and pulled out a radio.

"Location: Roanapur. Pick us up. Maya is here," said Doug on the radio.

"Dang, we lost her," commented Adrian before sounds of helicopter engines neared their location. A helicopter landed at the junction and Doug hopped in. Adrian stared at disbelief. Doug watched Adrian stunned.

"Well, hurry up if we're gonna catch her," said Doug. Adrian rushed and got into the helicopter. There were two pilots and a blonde man, the same age as Doug, holding a sniper rifle and aiming around. Once Adrian was in the helicopter, the blonde man yelled to the pilots.

"We're in! Move!" The blonde man had an American accent, which Adrian recognized immediately.

"American. Who is he?" asked Adrian.

"Terry McCormick, my brother," replied Doug. Terry smiled at them before going back to scouring the ground.

"Is he joining the Society or something?"

"Nope, he's just helping us during one of his free times."

"But he's a character. What could he be doing to keep him busy?"

"Trust me. My author wouldn't have created many characters if there were no jobs to do. There are also a lot more things than Maya, you know."

"There are more Mayas?"

"No! Don't get it wrong! I'll tell you a secret. He has…" Doug was stopped when the author yelled through the radio on the helicopter.

"One word and you're going in the cryo tube!" the author's voice echoed through the radio.

"Yes sir," replied Doug dully. The helicopter found itself hovering at a port area. They've spotted Maya getting into a PT boat.

"Weapons free," said Doug. Terry fired a few shots at the boat's engine. The engine was disabled, stopping the Sue from escaping. The ropes went down.

"I hope you're good at abseiling," said Doug as he and Terry slid down the rope and reached the ground. Adrian gripped for dear life as he abseiled down the rope. The helicopter left, leaving the three in confrontation with Maya and the Lagoon Company.

"See you get through the Lagoon Compa…" Maya stopped when Doug quickly took them out with Copyright Darts.

"Well, this leaves me. This fandom sucks!" said Maya, opening a plothole. Terry pulled out a gizmo from his back and fired the grappling hook. The hook grabbed the Sue in the neck, quickly cancelling out all her Sueish effects on the fandom and pulling her towards the three of them.

"The Grappling Prohibitor. Catches a Sue up to a range of 50 metres. Still experimental," said Doug with Adrian's mouth wide agape. Maya became the self before she became a Sue; short black hair with brown eyes.

"Give up, Maya. You lost," said Terry, reeling back the grappling hook. Then Maya did the thinkable. She pulled out her custom-made gun and fired on the wire of the hook. The wire snapped, disabling the Prohibitor and she opened a plothole to escape. There was an awkward moment there for the three stooges. Before she could disappear, Doug threw a Bookmark at Maya so they could trace her.

"Well, I'm not fielding those if a Sue can take off THAT easily," said Adrian, pointing at the broken Grappling Prohibitor.

"Which part of 'experimental' don't you understand?" said Doug. Adrian wasn't paying attention.



"Never mind, let's go home," said Adrian, opening a plothole for them to go through. Terry, however, disappeared the same way Rina did in 'Insert Ridiculous Blood Loss Here'.


Adrian was looking through the report on the Black lagoon fandom when he heard Doug yell.

"SHIRLEY! COME HERE! I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU!" Out of curiosity, he looked out and saw Doug with a chainsaw.

"What are you doing?" asked Adrian, his tail caressing his neck.

"The stick ate my wood samples. She's gonna pay!" replied Doug, looking around and revving the chainsaw.

Then Shirley appeared from the ceiling and chomped Doug in the head. There were screams, blood and wood shavings flying around, but Adrian just left, closing the door of his office and continued reading through the report.

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